Man Like Mobeen (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

MUSIC: All Along The Watchtower
by Jimi Hendrix
This programme contains adult humour
and very strong language
For too long, we have lived side
by side with thousands of Muslims.
I mean, how much longer will we
turn a blind eye to jihad?
How much longer will we put our
children's lives in danger?
For too long, our police
and government have failed us.
CHEERING
Fuck off home, Muzzie bastards.
Fuck off home, Muzzie bastards.
Islam is tearing Britain apart,
and we are just standing by
and watching it happen.
Well, no more.
It's time to take our country back
in the battle
against the cancer that is Islam.
They want our troops dead,
and they are dangerous
and a daily threat to our
way of life.
Despite what people say
..we aren't racist.
I mean, we would take one black
Patriot UK member over 100 racists.
CHEERING
You, our friend
..what would you say to those
that call us racist?
Er
Je parle pas anglais, en fait.
Est-ce que quelqu'un parle francais?
And he don't even speak English!
I knew it! I can't understand him.
I knew a brother would never like
them. Parlais francais, anglais.
Il est un racist!
Il est raciste?
Yeah, him. Definitely.
Il est racist, bro. Him. Yes.
Tu es raciste, toi?
Ignore this man. Ignore him.
He's not He's not here, right?
Let's focus on the main problem
that is the poison that is Islam.
What a dick. Young lady!
Who taught you that filth?
You lot, mainly.
We've got to be very careful.
We're introducing very
detrimental language to her lexicon.
I think it's Rubicon.
But fear not, my patriots, because
here today together in Birmingham,
we are the cure for this cancer.
CHEERING
Hey, do you reckon that bloke
CAN really cure cancer?
Yeah, that's why
loads of them are bald.
CHANTING: Go home! Go home! Go home!
Go home! Go home! Go home!
Robbie, mate,
I've got something for you.
How did you do that?!
How'd you do that?
In your face!
In your face, in your face!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Did you see the throw?
Why am I not surprised?
He didn't do anything. Oh, really?
Who threw that, then? It was
No, no, no, it was me, it was me.
Shut up.
Mobeen, I'm sorry.
Look after her, man. I will.
I'm arresting you this time for
chucking an object at a man's head.
Oh, bless him, is he all right?
Did he get hurt?
He should have put his Ku Klux Klan
hood on to cushion the blow,
then, innit?
You will be staying here
until I've got everything
under control out there.
This is bullshit, Harper.
Always crying bullshit, aren't you?
"No, I didn't see that robbery.
Oh, I didn't see that shanking."
Next you'll be telling me you've
never seen Game Of Thrones,
won't you, Moon Beam? "Moon Beam"?
Do I look like a Care Bear to you?
Tell someone who gives a shit.
Right, then, treacle, you've got
three minutes to find the crystal.
In you go. Oi!
Oh, wait. Oh, this is beautiful.
No kissing on the first date, boys.
Oi! I thought I was put in here
for my own protection!
It's The Walking Dead.
Hello, mate. You all right?
Do I?
Do I know you from somewhere?
What?
No. Erm
Did you used to deliver pizza
for Akbar's Pizza?
No, mate, I've never delivered
anything for anyone called Akbar.
No? Familiar, though, you.
Oh, hold on a second,
I know now, sorry.
You look just like your
great-grandad.
Your great-grandad
..is Adolf Hitler, isn't he?
You racist piece of shit!
I'm not racist, right?
I've never said anything racist
in my life.
That wasn't you on stage out there
saying that all Muslims
are more dangerous than Ebola?
That wasn't you, no?
OK Mate, listen.
Let me Cos you don't
Listen, Islam isn't a race,
it's an ideology.
Yeah, so you can't be racist
against an idea, can you?
That's a great point, that.
I can't argue
I can't argue with that,
I can't argue with that.
But you and your organisation hides
behind statements like that,
don't it? OK, listen,
my organisation is very diverse.
Right, I have blacks,
I have Sikhs, even a Jew.
Wow, you got a Jew?
My God.
You know your black members -
are they suffering from vitiligo
at the moment, are they?
OK, that's not fair, is it?
Cos there were black people
out there with us today.
OK, there was a black person,
but he was
All right, listen, we did
a poll only last month, right,
that showed clearly the majority
of British people, black, white
..and Asian Thank you.
..feel that letting Islam
into the UK is the biggest mistake
this country has ever made.
It's a fact.
Is that a fact, is it? Bloody hell.
Can't argue with fact, innit?
My days.
I had a look at this other poll
that was conducted a couple
of months ago, yeah, and it said
that British citizens actually think
the biggest mistake ever made
in this country
is when your mum let your dad
in her pom-pom!
Well, I don't think
that's an actual poll.
Oh, you don't think?
Don't worry about it, Aks, man.
We'll look after you, innit?
This is what Mobeen would have
wanted. He's not dead.
Yeah, there's nothing
to worry about.
Nothing to worry about at all.
Mo!
Mo! Will you just relax?
Mobeen!
Racist piece of shit!
What's he doing?
I don't know, bumming the racism
out of him, probably.
Shit! Robbie, who's my little
space hopper?
Robbie's my little space hopper!
I'm going to squeeze every last bit
of divisive oxygen
out of your lungs, Robbie.
I've got asthma.
You're going to kill me.
Shut up, man.
I ain't going to jail
for ten years for killing you
by arse-impacted trauma.
Racist dickhead. See?
You are all violent psychopaths.
No, you bring out
the worst in people.
Even the Pope would have a hard time
not swinging you round the head
with his massive stick,
and he's a pretty chilled-out guy.
Don't you mention the Pope.
I mean, you don't even
like Christianity.
I mean, it's written
in your ideology.
I mean, what would happen if I
pulled out a crucifix right now?
Nothing.
I'm not Count Dracula, am I?
At least vampires try
to integrate into society.
You do realise that Blade and
Twilight were just films?
Yeah.
You have infiltrated every facet
of our society.
I mean, I can't even walk into my
local Subway without it being filled
with that barbaric halal meat.
What are you and the Daily Mail so
bloody scared of halal meat for?
What do you think
is going to happen?
You're going to have one bite
and want another three wives?
Halal meat directly funds terrorism.
You buy a doner kebab,
and Isis get a free rocket launcher?
Is that what you're saying?
No, no, I've got proof for you.
Right, you ready? Go on. Halal
abattoirs are run by Muslims, right?
Who take the profit
from halal meat sales
to directly fund terrorist activity.
Proof. Proof?!
Who is finding you this proof?!
The same people that found weapons
of mass destruction in Iraq?
To be fair, those guys did have
a very difficult job.
No shit, yeah?
There was nothing to bloody find!
I'm serious, I'm proper desperate.
So go find a toilet.
Where? Just go there.
Wait for me, though.
What's going on here?
Erm
Don't you just love the forest
at this time of year?
Come on, out!
I couldn't go.
There's police everywhere,
it's proper all Gordoned off.
Cordoned. Huh?
It's "cordoned" off,
not "Gordoned" off.
I think I know what the word is.
Look at her, like, trying to be
big and that. Yeah, OK, mate.
Aks What is it?
I really need to go
to the toilet, too.
You are kidding me.
Hmm
I mean, you Muslims hate
our way of life.
You don't want to integrate
with real Englishmen like me.
Real Englishmen don't want to
integrate with Englishmen like you.
Islamic culture is incompatible
with the Western world.
I mean, look how
you treat your women.
You think all women should be made
to wear the burqa.
No, I don't.
That's their bodies, they should be
able to wear what they like.
Hmm. Only the oppressed woman
wants to wear one of those.
Ooh, Robbie!
Are you dictating femininity to
women against their will, are you?
You sexist pig.
Whoa, mate, isn't it haram
for you to say "pig"?
No. But if I say it more than
three times in a week, I'll melt.
You!
You had me there!
Oh, we can only hope.
Why can't we use your flask?
Can't we just knock on someone's
door or something? No.
Can we share a flask, then?
No! That's disgusting.
I'm not going to drink it.
Seriously, I feel like I need
to bring nappies out for you two.
I might actually need one.
Taliban, Isis, Osama bin Laden
I mean, he's blatantly
still knocking about.
Anything else on the
Top 100 Muslim Risk List?
I'm glad you asked.
The most important one - jihad.
Oh, that's my favourite one,
that is.
It's not a joke, is it? I mean,
there's jihadis on the streets
of England spilling blood in the
name of Islam. I mean, if that's
not Islam's fault, then why are
Muslims committing the crimes?
Clearly people being killed in the
street is horrific, Robbie, yeah,
but the perpetrators aren't going
door-to-door handing out samosas
and mango chutney, telling us
about their plans, are they?
Bullshit, your community knows.
We do know, Robbie, yeah.
That you're a hole in a broken dick!
Stop belittling it, right?
Islamic terrorism is the single
biggest threat to men, women and
children this country has ever seen.
That's just a fucking fact!
Oh
Oh, remember the asthma, Robbie.
Come on, have a sit down. Sit down.
You know what they taught us
at school in PE, yeah?
Breathe in, fill your lungs.
In with the positivity
..out with the racism.
Breathe in the positivity
..out with the Islamophobia.
Don't you feel better already,
Robbie, eh? Yeah.
Listen, you're getting yourself
in knots, you daft bugger.
I've been a Muslim a while, yeah?
And I know plenty Muslims as well,
and I'm going to tell you this -
I can't get them to commit to
what time we're going to Nando's,
let alone commit acts
of terrorism, yeah?
What sauce do you have? Eh?
At Nando's.
The Vusa.
Oh, I knew it.
Oh, I really need to wee.
Can we go home, then? No.
I'm desperate.
Will you two just shut up?
You're not the first people in
history to need the toilet,
you know. Go in there.
Are you mad?
I never said it was a perfect world.
You two need the toilet,
there's a toilet in there.
Erm, I don't think so. We're
definitely not going in there.
I'm going in. What?!
Look, toilets are a no-man's land,
innit? A safe space.
You can't commit any act of violence
in any toilet anywhere in the world.
Yeah, but No, that's true.
That's not true, is it?
Definitely not.
He's got Oh, my gosh.
Robbie Eh?
Me old mate. You know what, man,
I'm sat here thinking,
"What's made my friend Robbie so
staunchly Islamophobic and racist?"
I can't work it out for the
life of me. I ain't racist.
Robbie, I read online
that your ex-girlfriend
Not true. ..that your
childhood sweetheart
Didn't happen.
..ran off with a Muslim guy
No. ..and converted to Islam.
I didn't like her anyway.
And obviously, we all know you don't
believe the things you read online.
Obviously, Robbie,
yeah, that's right.
Hey, listen, mate, don't worry, eh?
We've all been through heartbreak,
Robbie. It's tough.
I mean, to be fair, most of us go
through three tubs of Ben & Jerry's
and get over it. You
MOBEEN SIGHS
..set up a far right-wing
hate group instead.
Why is he taking so long?
He's probably just getting battered
by a load of racists.
Oh!
What the fuck are you doing in here?
It's neutral zone.
The only weapon I have is
my bladder, but so help me God,
if you don't get the fuck
away from my friend,
I'll piss all over you racists.
All right.
All right, mate.
Oh! Bro, that was amazing!
You're my hero, brother!
Wash your hands.
OK.
Can I ask you something? No.
I'll ask anyway.
Do you genuinely believe in
all the shit that you say?
It's not shit. It's on the internet.
Fucking hell.
And yes, of course I do.
I'm here for the people,
so they know the truth.
Oh, you're a hero, you are.
Very noble, Robbie, very noble.
I mean, you've currently got
a bestselling hate manual -
oh, sorry, sorry, bestselling book -
on Amazon at the moment.
I mean, shit, that must have made
you a fairly wealthy man, Robbie.
People like you,
Katie Hopkins there,
you lot have made a career off
preaching hate, haven't you, Robbie?
She's actually quite good
if you read some of her stuff.
She was great on the radio. Shame.
It's clever, bro. It's a great
business move, innit?
Hey, unfortunately it's probably
always going to be one of the most
popular-selling products there is.
Can you just shut up?
No. So, listen, Robbie, you see,
you and your followers out there
26,000 on Twitter.
Slightly less on Instagram.
Amazing. I mean, no,
your loyal followers, yeah,
the ones out there
that were screaming,
"Dirty Pakis, fuck off home."
I don't mind them, bruv,
anywhere near as much as I mind you.
I mean, shit, at least with those
lot, what you see is what you get.
They're the same mentality of people
telling my old dear in the '80s
that they'd throw her off
the sixth floor of the flats
and hang me from the balcony, yeah?
Just cos she was an immigrant.
Bruv, they're nowhere near
as dangerous as you.
You see, you, Robbie,
you give them validity.
You give them a cause.
What do you say on the internet
all the time?
"Islam is a cancer."
I mean, shit, what do I know?
But if you ask me,
Robbie Worthington
and his moneymaking rhetoric
is the real cancer here, mate.
Oh, shit.
Oi!
Is he dead?
I killed this motherfucker
with my realness! Ha-ha!
Oh, shit.
I killed this motherfucker
with my realness.
Hello?! I think Robbie's a bit dead!
Hey!
Help! He's looking a bit dead to me!
Hello?! Hello! Hey!
What have you done here,
Moon Beam? Get out. Oi!
I killed him. You killed him?
Yeah, I killed him. But with
the power of my words, yeah?
You can't go to jail for that,
Harper!
Yeah, you haven't.
He's not dead? No. Oh.
Guys! You OK?
All right, you're free to go. Eh?
Why? I thought you hated us.
I do. I hate your lot.
I hate his lot.
I hate old people who fall over
in their gardens
and can't get back up again.
I hate anybody who makes my job
more difficult than it already is.
This is, like, the most positive
police prejudice
I've ever experienced in my life.
No, go home now before
I change my mind.
Just a quick hug though. No!
Go on. Fine.
Yeah! Oh, my God. Are you OK,
though, are you all right?
Yeah. Hey, listen,
are you all right?
Yeah? What happened in the van
with that waste, man?
Did he give you the cure for cancer?
Forget it, man, he is a waste,
you know what he's like, but you,
are you OK? Did they look
after you, yeah?
Yeah, I did. Totally.
I did, definitely.
Come here, man! Come here!
Bonjour-no!
ALL SHOUTING
NO DIALOGUE