Maniac (2018) s01e04 Episode Script
Furs by Sebastian
1 A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES SEE HER SEE YOU SEE WE DR.
GRETA MANTLERAY HOST OF 150 MINUTES WITH GRETA [BRUCE.]
All right, Dr.
Greta, let's fix this marriage.
Hmm.
SHE'S OFTEN TELLING YOU WHAT SHE NEEDS.
YOUR JOB AS HER HUSBAND IS TO HEAR IT.
DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES NOW SERVING Oh, that's me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
That's me.
Oh, uh, that's okay.
I'm gonna wait for her.
You go ahead.
How can I help you, dear? I am here to report a dangerous driver.
This is form DS-7, including my anecdote.
My kids play on that street.
You don't have the name and address of the driver.
Well, if I had his name and his address, I'd go over to his house and I'd have dealt with him myself.
You really shouldn't do that.
This is his license plate number.
Can you get any stuff from that? Well, I'm not allowed to give you that information, hon, but I could file a report.
- [BEEP.]
- [TYPING.]
I don't know if you really wanna bother with this, because they take such a long time.
Yeah, I'm seeing his address now, so I can submit this thing.
You know what? Now that I'm here actually doin' it, I feel like a snitch.
And I ain't one.
But thanks.
You've been helpful.
How'd it go? [SIGHS.]
Failed the written again.
I'm sorry, babe.
Next time.
Hey, wanna get a doughnut at Lucky's or somethin'? No, I wanna go to 534 Ashton Place.
You don't need a map.
You married Magellan.
Uh-huh.
Hey what baby wants, baby gets.
Fudgin' seat belt.
- You okay? - Yeah, it's stiff.
You know.
- Go all the way back - Yeah.
- and pull it.
- No, I know.
534 Ashton Place.
On a need-to-know basis.
Eight minutes, tops.
[LINDA.]
Oh, in your dreams, Bruce.
[BRUCE.]
I'm gonna put it on sport mode, Mario Andretti - [LINDA.]
Oh! - [BRUCE.]
There we are.
There we are.
All right, eight minutes.
- We did it.
- [SIGHS.]
- Perfect! - Okay.
[BRUCE.]
I'm just a guy - who knows his way around.
- [LINDA.]
Ooh, Brucie, pull there.
- Here? - Park there.
Okay.
- [LINDA GASPS.]
- Here we go.
Them sons of bitches.
Wait.
[LINDA.]
When we go in there, you're gonna distract them.
What? Distract who? The guys in the store, Bruce.
It's August, it's 98 degrees.
Why are we going to a fur store? Just Go on.
Here, go ahead.
Go.
[LINDA.]
It's a different guy.
It's not them.
He's a salesperson.
[MAN.]
Welcome to Furs by Sebastian.
I'm him.
How can I help you today? Uh I'm I'm looking for something to wear uh, to the opera.
Is your bathroom in the back? Oh, right here, hon.
- Okay, I'm just gonna - Uh - Where Where are uh - You're just in time.
Our summer sale is just ending.
Take a look over here.
See what speaks to you.
I think you'd look really stunning in a mink.
You don't choose a fur.
It chooses you.
Take a look.
[MAN.]
Hold on, Lance.
I'm sendin' a fax.
[BEEPING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
PRIVATE Wendy! Hey, girl.
We're gonna get you out of here.
- Oh, good girl.
Come on.
- [SQUEAKING.]
- [BEEPING.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
Sam Beckett.
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
What a babe.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Oh, my God.
[MAN COUGHS.]
That's one way to lose five pounds.
[FIRST MAN.]
Oof.
Shut the door.
- Oh, it fuckin' stinks, Lance.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
Light a match.
What kind of car you drivin' out there? It's, uh It's a it's a Volvo, but at, uh, home I got a Corvette.
Very nice.
Very diverse.
It's a goof, it's fun.
I don't know.
And, Lance you can't put the code for the door on the door.
You see that? That's 20 fuckin' grand.
It's got 31 transverse rings on its tail.
Do you know how fuckin' rare that is? [LANCE.]
It's not a hat yet.
- When's Dad guttin' that thing? - [LANCE.]
Tomorrow.
We have rehearsal.
It's the only time Joey and Matt are free.
Can't they learn the routine separately? You fuckin' kidding me? - This shit has to be coordinated.
- [SQUEAKS.]
Do you hear that? [LANCE.]
It's the sound it makes when it's hungry.
- I thought - Shut up, I'm right.
- Just give it a V8.
- [LANCE.]
What? [FIRST MAN.]
Seriously.
It's an old trick.
[WENDY SQUEAKING.]
No, the fridge.
- [OPENS CAN.]
- No, pour it in a glass.
Do you want it to cut its little tongue? Lemurs have very delicate inner systems.
And then just bring it over to me because I made that up, shithead.
[SPLASH.]
[LANCE.]
Bottoms up, funny guy.
Fucking foreskin.
Oh, that is good.
Now, let's try this, okay? Five, six, seven, eight.
Baby Give me just a little taste Of your love Crisp.
Let's see what you got, Lance.
Get your head in the game.
Finding your hips.
Okay? Go! One, two, three.
Hair.
Kick, pull, change.
Down.
Up.
I got a feeling about you.
You might be the kind of guy who might be interested in bulletproof furs.
Is that something that sparks your imagination? Uh I don't know.
[SEBASTIAN.]
Comes in very handy.
- [LINDA.]
Honey, we have to go now.
- Oh, yeah.
Uh Thank you.
We'll think about it, really.
The sale's ending today.
Maybe your wife will let you come back later? - [BRUCE.]
Hah.
- Oh.
You look better in leather.
[LAUGHS.]
- Now, honey.
- All right.
Well, hey - thank you.
- Thank you.
We're open till eight.
- Come on.
- I I'm gonna think about it.
Sorry.
I gotta tell you, I really liked the way I felt in that.
[SIGHS.]
All right, Sheila, we struck out again.
Back we go.
[SIGHS.]
You need to spill it, babe.
Spill what? What the hell is goin' on? [SIGHS.]
They have Wendy.
Who the fudge is Wendy? Nan's lemur.
Who the fudge is Nan? She Remember? The woman that I was taking care of at work.
With stomach cancer.
Who died yesterday morning.
Hold on, rewind more.
I told you that Nan and I had a special connection, right? So yesterday, on her deathbed, Nan tells the doctor to get out, and she asks me to take her lemur and deliver it to her daughter.
- Wasn't her daughter there? - No, they're estranged, Bruce.
And Nan, that lemur just meant so much to her, and she wanted to give it to her daughter as a gesture of reconciliation.
So you agreed to deliver a lemur - from a dying woman - Mm-hm.
- to her estranged daughter? - Yes.
So these two guys come into the hospice two days ago, and they asked Nan to buy the lemur.
So Nan tells them to scram, and then yesterday, Nan passes, God rest her soul, so I take Wendy, and I get ready to go find the daughter, but then, you know, my bladder.
And so I go in to pee at Bagel Boss for two minutes.
Next thing I know, this fuckin' van is screeching away, with Wendy.
And thank God I got the license plate number.
- That is fudging disrespectful.
- It is.
- While you're peeing in Bagel Boss.
- I know.
And now, tomorrow morning, they're gonna turn Wendy into a hat.
[BRUCE.]
Why didn't you tell me any of this? Because I fucked it up.
Like I always do.
- You didn't fudge it up.
- Oh.
You found it, just now.
And let's call the cops and clear this whole thing No.
Bruce, I can't call the cops.
This is an illegal lemur.
If they take her, they're gonna ship her back to Madagascar.
Plus, Nan told me that it had to be me.
Only me.
She was very specific on that point.
I just Ugh.
We gotta break into that store.
Tonight.
Really? You're gonna help me? - Of course I'll help you.
- Aww! You don't think I'm bonkers? That's why I married you, babe.
You're a force of nature.
[SNEEZES.]
Bless you.
There was a chinchilla in there.
Do I have anything in there? A big beautiful brain, that's all I see up there.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GIRL.]
What did the Buddha say when he walked up - to the hot dog vendor? - [BRUCE.]
What? Make me one with everything.
[LINDA.]
Okay.
Good night.
Be good.
- Aw, I thought we were eatin' together.
- [LINDA.]
Oh, I'm late.
And I hate asparagus.
Me too.
I just want to break it! - All right.
- See, Lin, what I said about the modeling? Lights out at eight, please.
- No! - [LINDA.]
You're very cooperative.
Thank you for being so cooperative.
See you later.
Yeah.
I'll pick you up.
And Vicky's good to watch the kids.
Okay, good.
- Don't forget my gym bag.
- Of course.
Love you, babe.
- Hi, Mrs.
M.
- Hi, Vick.
Thank you so much.
Bye.
- [BRUCE.]
Hi, Vicky.
- Hi.
- [GIRL.]
Hey, Dad? - Yeah.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? [BRUCE.]
No.
Great food, no atmosphere.
[LINDA.]
" and they would lure him back.
- When they did " - That's a good one.
" they would find out once and for all if his exceptional madness could be cured.
" It's a good one today, huh? I like it.
I know it's hard losin' a roommate, and Nan was quite a lady.
It's gonna take a while to feel normal again.
Actually, I haven't felt this good in years.
Whenever I see Nan's empty bed, I am just elated.
- Elated? - Oh, I'm not happy she's dead.
I'm just happy it was her and not me.
Good night, Harriet.
Good night.
- You've got to fix the - How we doin' today, Mr.
Ludlow? - Good.
- You feelin' good? Nick takin' care of you? - Have you gotten a chance - Oh, Linda.
This gentleman wants to talk to you.
Agent Lopez, New York Fish and Wildlife.
Mm.
Do you have a second? Yes, of course I can.
- Sure, yeah.
- Visiting hours in the afternoon Uh, Linda - Marino.
- Marino.
Yeah.
Are you a cop? Sort of.
I mean, there's not much of a difference, authority-wise.
Okay.
You, uh, took care of a patient recently, Nancy Walton.
Nan, yeah.
Uh, Nan, exactly.
You spend a lot of time with Nan? - She was my patient, so - Mm-hm.
You know she had a ring-tailed lemur, went by the name of Wendy.
Yeah, she kept it in a cage under her bed.
Where's that lemur now? [WOMAN OVER PA.]
Carol to the nursing station.
I don't know.
I mean, I have no idea, actually.
To be frank, ma'am, there's a zesty black market for that type of animal.
Cartels, what have you.
Oh, yeah, I bet.
And it's our job to assure the lemur's safety.
Of course.
Make sure it's reunited with its family in Madagascar.
[WOMAN OVER PA.]
Linda Marino, you're needed at Emergency.
Family is very important.
I gotta go.
I'll see you around.
And Nan's roommate Harriet.
She has dementia, so she's totally cocoa puffs, it's just a waste of time.
- So - Cocoa puffs.
Good to know.
[GRETA ON RADIO.]
Welcome back, everyone.
I'm your host, Dr.
Greta Mantleray.
What's giving you pain today? I have Hank from Cold Harbor.
[HANK.]
Yeah, hi, Dr.
Greta.
Um, so, I love my wife, we're raising two amazing little girls, but I'm afraid of her, she's really ["OUT OF TOUCH" PLAYS.]
Thanks for pickin' me up.
Yeah, no problem.
Do you have my bag? Of course.
Oh, it's heavy.
Oh, you're not kiddin'.
And I got you these for your allergies.
Oh.
[BRUCE.]
You said there was a chinchilla there.
Did you know female chinchillas only have one mate, but the males can have as many as they want? - [LINDA.]
Oh, really? - [BRUCE.]
I think that's interesting.
[LINDA.]
In your dreams, Bruce.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
A I read somewhere that antihistamines are bad for you.
They stop your body from defending itself.
Then don't take 'em.
You're out of touch I'm out of time But I'm out of my head - When you're not around - What the fudge? Oh, it's Danielle's squirt gun, I spray-painted it.
What? You never know, Bruce.
my head when you're not around - [SIGHS.]
- What is that for? Key to the city.
No alarm.
I told you these guys are dummies.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
What? [LINDA.]
Okay.
Okay, go ahead.
Go.
- What are we doing? - Go.
[BEEPING.]
[DOOR BEEPS.]
- I thought you knew the code.
- Wait.
Shh.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH HEADPHONES.]
- What are the dancin' numbers? - Huh? What are the numbers you say when you're about to dance? - Five, six, seven, eight? - Oh.
[NUMBER PAD BEEPING.]
[DOOR UNLOCKS.]
[WHISPERS.]
Yes! - They're fudgin' dancers too? - Yeah.
[TV PLAYING SOFTLY.]
- [SNORING.]
- Fuck.
Sh.
[WENDY SQUEAKS SOFTLY.]
I'm gonna sneeze.
Hey, don't sneeze.
Don't sneeze.
Think it down.
Think it down.
You can do it, babe.
Don't sneeze.
[WOMAN ON TV.]
Exactly the information I wanted.
Every morsel of it.
Hey.
Alrighty.
You should have taken that antihistamine.
Oh, fudge.
Oh, not my face! [WENDY SQUEAKING.]
Wake up, you freakin' douchebag.
[WENDY SQUEAKS.]
You wake up.
That's annoying.
You two made a big mistake tonight.
Don't you fuckin' dare.
[SEBASTIAN.]
You.
You're the nurse, aren't you? I'm the legal guardian of that lemur.
That lemur became my lemur when I stole it from you.
That is so far - from how property law works.
- Yeah.
[SEBASTIAN.]
I still haven't decided what I'm gonna do with you two.
Maybe, uh you accidentally get shot breaking into my store.
Maybe you both just disappear in a ditch.
Yeah, maybe we take their skin and put it on each other's bodies.
- What? - We're we're spitballin'.
No, we weren't.
Anyway, the point is, we have options.
But I know one thing.
Tonight - you're gonna watch me skin that lemur.
- [SIREN WHOOPS.]
- [LOPEZ.]
Sebastian and sons - Check it out.
We have you surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
Come out now and we'll end this peacefully.
- You okay? - [LANCE.]
It's the cops.
Motherfuckers.
Shit! - [BRUCE.]
It's good.
It's good.
- [SEBASTIAN.]
Boys Your grandfather always used to say the American dream is like a giant tree.
You just keep climbin' and climbin', until you can almost touch the fuckin' sun.
And if someone tries to chop it down you fuck 'em in the face.
Go fuck 'em, Dad.
[LOPEZ OVER MEGAPHONE.]
This is Fish and Wildlife.
Come out with your hands up.
Fish and Wildlife? I thought you were real fucking cops.
There's not much of a difference, authority-wise.
Now come out with your hands up, and with the hostage, Wendy the lemur, unharmed.
Fuck you! [SEBASTIAN LAUGHS.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
[SEBASTIAN.]
Is that all you got? I'm a bear! I'm a motherfucking grizzly bear! I eat fish and wildlife! [YELLING.]
What the fuck? It's finally happening! - Brucie? - [LANCE.]
Shit.
- It's okay.
- I get the Desert Eagle.
- I get the - I get the Desert Eagle.
- All right, on three.
One, two - Three.
Give me the fucking Beretta.
- Lance! JC! - What do we do about them? - We'll deal with you later.
- Get the fuck up here! Go help Dad! Go! - [LANCE.]
We're comin', Dad! - [JC.]
Go! [SEBASTIAN.]
Where are you guys? I'm gonna get us out of here, okay? - Untie me.
- Okay.
Wait for him to reload! Wait Now! Heavy fire! My furs are my babies! [LANCE.]
Dad! [SEBASTIAN.]
Fuck! Where are you guys? Cover me out there.
- [LINDA.]
Come on.
- [BRUCE.]
Pull, pull, pull, pull! I can't get you untied.
I got to leave you here.
Don't you dare! - Let's go.
- [GASPS.]
[SEBASTIAN.]
Let's go! [GUNFIRE.]
- [SEBASTIAN.]
Stay steady! - Oh! Okay, okay.
It's okay, Wendy.
It's okay.
- You ready? - Ah, yeah.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- Go! - [SEBASTIAN.]
Stay with it.
- [SEBASTIAN.]
Lance, cover me over there.
- [LANCE.]
I'm trying.
[JC.]
Lance! - Make it crisp! - [LANCE.]
You make it crisp! - [SEBASTIAN.]
Hit 'em on that side! - [GUNFIRE CONTINUES.]
[YELLING.]
Okay, now, here we go! No, Lance! No! No! Back, back, back, back, back! Crisp! [JC SCREAMS.]
No! - Gotta find the back door.
- Hey! Hey! - What? - Exit.
- Exit.
Let's go.
Come on! - [SEBASTIAN.]
Oh, my boy! My beautiful boy! Come on.
Babe.
- Come on, babe.
- [WHIMPERING.]
Okay, okay! [WHISPERING.]
Okay, okay! It doesn't fit inside! [SEBASTIAN.]
You killed a star! A big, bright, burning star! - [BRUCE.]
Go! Go! - [LINDA.]
Okay.
[SEBASTIAN.]
A full burning star! Don't stop burning! - [TIRES SQUEAL.]
- [LINDA.]
Put it in drive! Put it in drive! [BRUCE.]
Gonna put it in sport mode! [LINDA.]
Go, Brucie! Go, go, go! Take the parkway! Turn it left! [BRUCE.]
No seatbelt, baby! [BRUCE.]
You see it? [LINDA.]
Uh, seventy - There.
- [BRUCE.]
Oh, yeah.
Want me to go in with you? No, Nan said it should just be me.
Okay.
I know this is all very weird.
I don't find any of this weird.
You don't? I don't know.
You always have a way of makin' life excitin'.
Okay.
Pardon me while I go deliver a lemur.
[COOING.]
THE NAZLUNDS [LINDA.]
Hello.
You Paula? Is that Wendy? Yeah.
- [PAULA.]
You realize what time it is? - I I'm sorry.
[PAULA.]
Come in.
[WENDY COOS.]
Thank you.
Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
[LINDA.]
I like your Hummels.
[PAULA.]
Do you take your coffee black? I should tell you why I'm here.
[PAULA.]
Honey, you don't know why you're here.
Y-yes, I do.
Your mother explained it to me.
She said that you and her had had your problems, but as a gesture of reconciliation, she wanted to give you this lemur.
Her lemur.
Why? You know, I think it It's her way of telling you she loved you.
No.
That's not an "I love you" lemur.
That's a "go fuck yourself" lemur.
Um - Sorry? - [PAULA.]
Got this in the mail yesterday.
"Dear Paula, I'm close to dyin' now, and I've been thinkin' of that terrible argument we had.
Tempers flared, you said things I'm sure you regret, but now that death may separate us forever, maybe you'll finally come to your senses and realize lemurs are better than human children.
Here are the reasons why.
One, lemurs don't talk back.
Two, lemurs aren't selfish.
Three, lemurs don't destroy what you hope to make of yourself.
" OLIVIA MEADOWS, YOUR "EMOTIONAL POLTERGEIST," WHO YOU SCREAMED AT DURING YOUR BLIP.
What the fudge? - [PAULA.]
"Lemurs like to cuddle.
" - What was that? [PAULA.]
"And five, lemurs are not capable of operating large vehicles or heavy machinery.
A lemur will bring you far more joy than a child ever will.
Please take Wendy and avoid makin' the same mistake I made by havin' you.
Love, your mother Nan.
" Maybe she's right.
[PAULA.]
I'm sorry? Maybe you shouldn't have children.
I don't know who you are, but you seem like exactly the kind of person my mother would send.
How wonderful that she found you.
But you're too late.
I'm already pregnant.
In 22 weeks I'll be havin' a baby boy.
Congratulations.
I'm gonna name him Greg.
Greg "Fuck U Nan" Nazlund.
I think it's a fittin' tribute to a woman who wanted a fuckin' lemur more than she wanted me.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
What happened? - She didn't want Wendy.
- [BRUCE.]
No! That's not gonna fly.
I'm goin' in there, I'll talk to her.
- No, Bruce, don't.
- No, that is not gonna fly.
Not after everything you did to get here.
I'm going in there, I'm gonna give her - a piece of my mind.
- Don't! Sorry.
I'm sorry.
This one mornin' It was back when we lived upstate.
[WENDY CHATTERING.]
My sister and I woke up, and no one was home.
Not my mom not my dad The whole house was empty.
And my sister got scared.
[WENDY CHIRPS.]
And so I took her hand and I said no problem.
We'd go out and find 'em.
Like an adventure.
And so we went out and we started walkin' down this driveway.
You know, we had that long driveway that went on for almost a mile? Mm.
And after a while, I saw my dad's old gray pickup truck.
And I could see it was on because of the exhaust.
[WENDY CHIRPS.]
And as we got closer I could see it was just one person in the car, in the driver's seat.
I could see it was just my dad.
In the front sittin' there.
I saw that he was cryin'.
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
He was crying, and he saw me in the rear-view.
When I looked at his eyes I knew right away that my mom was either dead or gone forever.
Somethin'.
And I had my sister's hand 'cause all I cared about was keepin' her away.
And she stopped.
And I just said "Come on.
Let's go back and let's make a cake.
We'll pretend it's your birthday.
" And she She looked up at me, and she said, "Okay.
" And we walked back and we made a cake.
[BRUCE.]
When did they get back together? Hm? Linda your parents aren't divorced.
Maybe I'm just tired.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BRUCE.]
We both got knocked on the head.
Yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'll get her.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
Hey, Mr.
and Mrs.
Marino.
- Hi.
- [VICKY.]
Hi.
[SIGHS.]
The kids were great.
Um, how was your date? It was a blast.
You should get home.
Your mother's probably worried about you.
- [SIGHS.]
- [VICKY.]
Yeah.
[BRUCE.]
Is 60 cool? Yeah, sure.
- [VICKY.]
Thanks.
- [SIGHS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- [WENDY CHIRPING.]
- I wanna keep her.
Wendy.
[BRUCE.]
I'm sorry.
Hm? That I can't make you happy.
[WENDY COOS.]
Of course you make me happy.
["EXACTLY LIKE YOU" PLAYS.]
You've always made me happy.
- I know why I've waited - Okay.
- I know why I've been blue - Where you goin'? - Prayed each night for someone - Take out the trash.
Exactly like you [DOOR OPENS.]
Why should we spend money On a show or two - When no one sings those love songs - [SIRENS WAILING.]
Exactly like you? You make me feel so grand [LOPEZ.]
Get on your knees! Now! She had nothin' to do with it.
- [LOPEZ.]
Get on your knees! - I did it.
I'm guilty.
[LOPEZ.]
Cuff him! [MAN.]
Hands behind your back.
Come on.
Now I know why Mother Taught me to be true She meant me for someone Exactly like you Annie, I'm a hawk!
GRETA MANTLERAY HOST OF 150 MINUTES WITH GRETA [BRUCE.]
All right, Dr.
Greta, let's fix this marriage.
Hmm.
SHE'S OFTEN TELLING YOU WHAT SHE NEEDS.
YOUR JOB AS HER HUSBAND IS TO HEAR IT.
DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES NOW SERVING Oh, that's me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
That's me.
Oh, uh, that's okay.
I'm gonna wait for her.
You go ahead.
How can I help you, dear? I am here to report a dangerous driver.
This is form DS-7, including my anecdote.
My kids play on that street.
You don't have the name and address of the driver.
Well, if I had his name and his address, I'd go over to his house and I'd have dealt with him myself.
You really shouldn't do that.
This is his license plate number.
Can you get any stuff from that? Well, I'm not allowed to give you that information, hon, but I could file a report.
- [BEEP.]
- [TYPING.]
I don't know if you really wanna bother with this, because they take such a long time.
Yeah, I'm seeing his address now, so I can submit this thing.
You know what? Now that I'm here actually doin' it, I feel like a snitch.
And I ain't one.
But thanks.
You've been helpful.
How'd it go? [SIGHS.]
Failed the written again.
I'm sorry, babe.
Next time.
Hey, wanna get a doughnut at Lucky's or somethin'? No, I wanna go to 534 Ashton Place.
You don't need a map.
You married Magellan.
Uh-huh.
Hey what baby wants, baby gets.
Fudgin' seat belt.
- You okay? - Yeah, it's stiff.
You know.
- Go all the way back - Yeah.
- and pull it.
- No, I know.
534 Ashton Place.
On a need-to-know basis.
Eight minutes, tops.
[LINDA.]
Oh, in your dreams, Bruce.
[BRUCE.]
I'm gonna put it on sport mode, Mario Andretti - [LINDA.]
Oh! - [BRUCE.]
There we are.
There we are.
All right, eight minutes.
- We did it.
- [SIGHS.]
- Perfect! - Okay.
[BRUCE.]
I'm just a guy - who knows his way around.
- [LINDA.]
Ooh, Brucie, pull there.
- Here? - Park there.
Okay.
- [LINDA GASPS.]
- Here we go.
Them sons of bitches.
Wait.
[LINDA.]
When we go in there, you're gonna distract them.
What? Distract who? The guys in the store, Bruce.
It's August, it's 98 degrees.
Why are we going to a fur store? Just Go on.
Here, go ahead.
Go.
[LINDA.]
It's a different guy.
It's not them.
He's a salesperson.
[MAN.]
Welcome to Furs by Sebastian.
I'm him.
How can I help you today? Uh I'm I'm looking for something to wear uh, to the opera.
Is your bathroom in the back? Oh, right here, hon.
- Okay, I'm just gonna - Uh - Where Where are uh - You're just in time.
Our summer sale is just ending.
Take a look over here.
See what speaks to you.
I think you'd look really stunning in a mink.
You don't choose a fur.
It chooses you.
Take a look.
[MAN.]
Hold on, Lance.
I'm sendin' a fax.
[BEEPING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
PRIVATE Wendy! Hey, girl.
We're gonna get you out of here.
- Oh, good girl.
Come on.
- [SQUEAKING.]
- [BEEPING.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
Sam Beckett.
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
What a babe.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Oh, my God.
[MAN COUGHS.]
That's one way to lose five pounds.
[FIRST MAN.]
Oof.
Shut the door.
- Oh, it fuckin' stinks, Lance.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
Light a match.
What kind of car you drivin' out there? It's, uh It's a it's a Volvo, but at, uh, home I got a Corvette.
Very nice.
Very diverse.
It's a goof, it's fun.
I don't know.
And, Lance you can't put the code for the door on the door.
You see that? That's 20 fuckin' grand.
It's got 31 transverse rings on its tail.
Do you know how fuckin' rare that is? [LANCE.]
It's not a hat yet.
- When's Dad guttin' that thing? - [LANCE.]
Tomorrow.
We have rehearsal.
It's the only time Joey and Matt are free.
Can't they learn the routine separately? You fuckin' kidding me? - This shit has to be coordinated.
- [SQUEAKS.]
Do you hear that? [LANCE.]
It's the sound it makes when it's hungry.
- I thought - Shut up, I'm right.
- Just give it a V8.
- [LANCE.]
What? [FIRST MAN.]
Seriously.
It's an old trick.
[WENDY SQUEAKING.]
No, the fridge.
- [OPENS CAN.]
- No, pour it in a glass.
Do you want it to cut its little tongue? Lemurs have very delicate inner systems.
And then just bring it over to me because I made that up, shithead.
[SPLASH.]
[LANCE.]
Bottoms up, funny guy.
Fucking foreskin.
Oh, that is good.
Now, let's try this, okay? Five, six, seven, eight.
Baby Give me just a little taste Of your love Crisp.
Let's see what you got, Lance.
Get your head in the game.
Finding your hips.
Okay? Go! One, two, three.
Hair.
Kick, pull, change.
Down.
Up.
I got a feeling about you.
You might be the kind of guy who might be interested in bulletproof furs.
Is that something that sparks your imagination? Uh I don't know.
[SEBASTIAN.]
Comes in very handy.
- [LINDA.]
Honey, we have to go now.
- Oh, yeah.
Uh Thank you.
We'll think about it, really.
The sale's ending today.
Maybe your wife will let you come back later? - [BRUCE.]
Hah.
- Oh.
You look better in leather.
[LAUGHS.]
- Now, honey.
- All right.
Well, hey - thank you.
- Thank you.
We're open till eight.
- Come on.
- I I'm gonna think about it.
Sorry.
I gotta tell you, I really liked the way I felt in that.
[SIGHS.]
All right, Sheila, we struck out again.
Back we go.
[SIGHS.]
You need to spill it, babe.
Spill what? What the hell is goin' on? [SIGHS.]
They have Wendy.
Who the fudge is Wendy? Nan's lemur.
Who the fudge is Nan? She Remember? The woman that I was taking care of at work.
With stomach cancer.
Who died yesterday morning.
Hold on, rewind more.
I told you that Nan and I had a special connection, right? So yesterday, on her deathbed, Nan tells the doctor to get out, and she asks me to take her lemur and deliver it to her daughter.
- Wasn't her daughter there? - No, they're estranged, Bruce.
And Nan, that lemur just meant so much to her, and she wanted to give it to her daughter as a gesture of reconciliation.
So you agreed to deliver a lemur - from a dying woman - Mm-hm.
- to her estranged daughter? - Yes.
So these two guys come into the hospice two days ago, and they asked Nan to buy the lemur.
So Nan tells them to scram, and then yesterday, Nan passes, God rest her soul, so I take Wendy, and I get ready to go find the daughter, but then, you know, my bladder.
And so I go in to pee at Bagel Boss for two minutes.
Next thing I know, this fuckin' van is screeching away, with Wendy.
And thank God I got the license plate number.
- That is fudging disrespectful.
- It is.
- While you're peeing in Bagel Boss.
- I know.
And now, tomorrow morning, they're gonna turn Wendy into a hat.
[BRUCE.]
Why didn't you tell me any of this? Because I fucked it up.
Like I always do.
- You didn't fudge it up.
- Oh.
You found it, just now.
And let's call the cops and clear this whole thing No.
Bruce, I can't call the cops.
This is an illegal lemur.
If they take her, they're gonna ship her back to Madagascar.
Plus, Nan told me that it had to be me.
Only me.
She was very specific on that point.
I just Ugh.
We gotta break into that store.
Tonight.
Really? You're gonna help me? - Of course I'll help you.
- Aww! You don't think I'm bonkers? That's why I married you, babe.
You're a force of nature.
[SNEEZES.]
Bless you.
There was a chinchilla in there.
Do I have anything in there? A big beautiful brain, that's all I see up there.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GIRL.]
What did the Buddha say when he walked up - to the hot dog vendor? - [BRUCE.]
What? Make me one with everything.
[LINDA.]
Okay.
Good night.
Be good.
- Aw, I thought we were eatin' together.
- [LINDA.]
Oh, I'm late.
And I hate asparagus.
Me too.
I just want to break it! - All right.
- See, Lin, what I said about the modeling? Lights out at eight, please.
- No! - [LINDA.]
You're very cooperative.
Thank you for being so cooperative.
See you later.
Yeah.
I'll pick you up.
And Vicky's good to watch the kids.
Okay, good.
- Don't forget my gym bag.
- Of course.
Love you, babe.
- Hi, Mrs.
M.
- Hi, Vick.
Thank you so much.
Bye.
- [BRUCE.]
Hi, Vicky.
- Hi.
- [GIRL.]
Hey, Dad? - Yeah.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? [BRUCE.]
No.
Great food, no atmosphere.
[LINDA.]
" and they would lure him back.
- When they did " - That's a good one.
" they would find out once and for all if his exceptional madness could be cured.
" It's a good one today, huh? I like it.
I know it's hard losin' a roommate, and Nan was quite a lady.
It's gonna take a while to feel normal again.
Actually, I haven't felt this good in years.
Whenever I see Nan's empty bed, I am just elated.
- Elated? - Oh, I'm not happy she's dead.
I'm just happy it was her and not me.
Good night, Harriet.
Good night.
- You've got to fix the - How we doin' today, Mr.
Ludlow? - Good.
- You feelin' good? Nick takin' care of you? - Have you gotten a chance - Oh, Linda.
This gentleman wants to talk to you.
Agent Lopez, New York Fish and Wildlife.
Mm.
Do you have a second? Yes, of course I can.
- Sure, yeah.
- Visiting hours in the afternoon Uh, Linda - Marino.
- Marino.
Yeah.
Are you a cop? Sort of.
I mean, there's not much of a difference, authority-wise.
Okay.
You, uh, took care of a patient recently, Nancy Walton.
Nan, yeah.
Uh, Nan, exactly.
You spend a lot of time with Nan? - She was my patient, so - Mm-hm.
You know she had a ring-tailed lemur, went by the name of Wendy.
Yeah, she kept it in a cage under her bed.
Where's that lemur now? [WOMAN OVER PA.]
Carol to the nursing station.
I don't know.
I mean, I have no idea, actually.
To be frank, ma'am, there's a zesty black market for that type of animal.
Cartels, what have you.
Oh, yeah, I bet.
And it's our job to assure the lemur's safety.
Of course.
Make sure it's reunited with its family in Madagascar.
[WOMAN OVER PA.]
Linda Marino, you're needed at Emergency.
Family is very important.
I gotta go.
I'll see you around.
And Nan's roommate Harriet.
She has dementia, so she's totally cocoa puffs, it's just a waste of time.
- So - Cocoa puffs.
Good to know.
[GRETA ON RADIO.]
Welcome back, everyone.
I'm your host, Dr.
Greta Mantleray.
What's giving you pain today? I have Hank from Cold Harbor.
[HANK.]
Yeah, hi, Dr.
Greta.
Um, so, I love my wife, we're raising two amazing little girls, but I'm afraid of her, she's really ["OUT OF TOUCH" PLAYS.]
Thanks for pickin' me up.
Yeah, no problem.
Do you have my bag? Of course.
Oh, it's heavy.
Oh, you're not kiddin'.
And I got you these for your allergies.
Oh.
[BRUCE.]
You said there was a chinchilla there.
Did you know female chinchillas only have one mate, but the males can have as many as they want? - [LINDA.]
Oh, really? - [BRUCE.]
I think that's interesting.
[LINDA.]
In your dreams, Bruce.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
A I read somewhere that antihistamines are bad for you.
They stop your body from defending itself.
Then don't take 'em.
You're out of touch I'm out of time But I'm out of my head - When you're not around - What the fudge? Oh, it's Danielle's squirt gun, I spray-painted it.
What? You never know, Bruce.
my head when you're not around - [SIGHS.]
- What is that for? Key to the city.
No alarm.
I told you these guys are dummies.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
What? [LINDA.]
Okay.
Okay, go ahead.
Go.
- What are we doing? - Go.
[BEEPING.]
[DOOR BEEPS.]
- I thought you knew the code.
- Wait.
Shh.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH HEADPHONES.]
- What are the dancin' numbers? - Huh? What are the numbers you say when you're about to dance? - Five, six, seven, eight? - Oh.
[NUMBER PAD BEEPING.]
[DOOR UNLOCKS.]
[WHISPERS.]
Yes! - They're fudgin' dancers too? - Yeah.
[TV PLAYING SOFTLY.]
- [SNORING.]
- Fuck.
Sh.
[WENDY SQUEAKS SOFTLY.]
I'm gonna sneeze.
Hey, don't sneeze.
Don't sneeze.
Think it down.
Think it down.
You can do it, babe.
Don't sneeze.
[WOMAN ON TV.]
Exactly the information I wanted.
Every morsel of it.
Hey.
Alrighty.
You should have taken that antihistamine.
Oh, fudge.
Oh, not my face! [WENDY SQUEAKING.]
Wake up, you freakin' douchebag.
[WENDY SQUEAKS.]
You wake up.
That's annoying.
You two made a big mistake tonight.
Don't you fuckin' dare.
[SEBASTIAN.]
You.
You're the nurse, aren't you? I'm the legal guardian of that lemur.
That lemur became my lemur when I stole it from you.
That is so far - from how property law works.
- Yeah.
[SEBASTIAN.]
I still haven't decided what I'm gonna do with you two.
Maybe, uh you accidentally get shot breaking into my store.
Maybe you both just disappear in a ditch.
Yeah, maybe we take their skin and put it on each other's bodies.
- What? - We're we're spitballin'.
No, we weren't.
Anyway, the point is, we have options.
But I know one thing.
Tonight - you're gonna watch me skin that lemur.
- [SIREN WHOOPS.]
- [LOPEZ.]
Sebastian and sons - Check it out.
We have you surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
Come out now and we'll end this peacefully.
- You okay? - [LANCE.]
It's the cops.
Motherfuckers.
Shit! - [BRUCE.]
It's good.
It's good.
- [SEBASTIAN.]
Boys Your grandfather always used to say the American dream is like a giant tree.
You just keep climbin' and climbin', until you can almost touch the fuckin' sun.
And if someone tries to chop it down you fuck 'em in the face.
Go fuck 'em, Dad.
[LOPEZ OVER MEGAPHONE.]
This is Fish and Wildlife.
Come out with your hands up.
Fish and Wildlife? I thought you were real fucking cops.
There's not much of a difference, authority-wise.
Now come out with your hands up, and with the hostage, Wendy the lemur, unharmed.
Fuck you! [SEBASTIAN LAUGHS.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
[SEBASTIAN.]
Is that all you got? I'm a bear! I'm a motherfucking grizzly bear! I eat fish and wildlife! [YELLING.]
What the fuck? It's finally happening! - Brucie? - [LANCE.]
Shit.
- It's okay.
- I get the Desert Eagle.
- I get the - I get the Desert Eagle.
- All right, on three.
One, two - Three.
Give me the fucking Beretta.
- Lance! JC! - What do we do about them? - We'll deal with you later.
- Get the fuck up here! Go help Dad! Go! - [LANCE.]
We're comin', Dad! - [JC.]
Go! [SEBASTIAN.]
Where are you guys? I'm gonna get us out of here, okay? - Untie me.
- Okay.
Wait for him to reload! Wait Now! Heavy fire! My furs are my babies! [LANCE.]
Dad! [SEBASTIAN.]
Fuck! Where are you guys? Cover me out there.
- [LINDA.]
Come on.
- [BRUCE.]
Pull, pull, pull, pull! I can't get you untied.
I got to leave you here.
Don't you dare! - Let's go.
- [GASPS.]
[SEBASTIAN.]
Let's go! [GUNFIRE.]
- [SEBASTIAN.]
Stay steady! - Oh! Okay, okay.
It's okay, Wendy.
It's okay.
- You ready? - Ah, yeah.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- Go! - [SEBASTIAN.]
Stay with it.
- [SEBASTIAN.]
Lance, cover me over there.
- [LANCE.]
I'm trying.
[JC.]
Lance! - Make it crisp! - [LANCE.]
You make it crisp! - [SEBASTIAN.]
Hit 'em on that side! - [GUNFIRE CONTINUES.]
[YELLING.]
Okay, now, here we go! No, Lance! No! No! Back, back, back, back, back! Crisp! [JC SCREAMS.]
No! - Gotta find the back door.
- Hey! Hey! - What? - Exit.
- Exit.
Let's go.
Come on! - [SEBASTIAN.]
Oh, my boy! My beautiful boy! Come on.
Babe.
- Come on, babe.
- [WHIMPERING.]
Okay, okay! [WHISPERING.]
Okay, okay! It doesn't fit inside! [SEBASTIAN.]
You killed a star! A big, bright, burning star! - [BRUCE.]
Go! Go! - [LINDA.]
Okay.
[SEBASTIAN.]
A full burning star! Don't stop burning! - [TIRES SQUEAL.]
- [LINDA.]
Put it in drive! Put it in drive! [BRUCE.]
Gonna put it in sport mode! [LINDA.]
Go, Brucie! Go, go, go! Take the parkway! Turn it left! [BRUCE.]
No seatbelt, baby! [BRUCE.]
You see it? [LINDA.]
Uh, seventy - There.
- [BRUCE.]
Oh, yeah.
Want me to go in with you? No, Nan said it should just be me.
Okay.
I know this is all very weird.
I don't find any of this weird.
You don't? I don't know.
You always have a way of makin' life excitin'.
Okay.
Pardon me while I go deliver a lemur.
[COOING.]
THE NAZLUNDS [LINDA.]
Hello.
You Paula? Is that Wendy? Yeah.
- [PAULA.]
You realize what time it is? - I I'm sorry.
[PAULA.]
Come in.
[WENDY COOS.]
Thank you.
Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
[LINDA.]
I like your Hummels.
[PAULA.]
Do you take your coffee black? I should tell you why I'm here.
[PAULA.]
Honey, you don't know why you're here.
Y-yes, I do.
Your mother explained it to me.
She said that you and her had had your problems, but as a gesture of reconciliation, she wanted to give you this lemur.
Her lemur.
Why? You know, I think it It's her way of telling you she loved you.
No.
That's not an "I love you" lemur.
That's a "go fuck yourself" lemur.
Um - Sorry? - [PAULA.]
Got this in the mail yesterday.
"Dear Paula, I'm close to dyin' now, and I've been thinkin' of that terrible argument we had.
Tempers flared, you said things I'm sure you regret, but now that death may separate us forever, maybe you'll finally come to your senses and realize lemurs are better than human children.
Here are the reasons why.
One, lemurs don't talk back.
Two, lemurs aren't selfish.
Three, lemurs don't destroy what you hope to make of yourself.
" OLIVIA MEADOWS, YOUR "EMOTIONAL POLTERGEIST," WHO YOU SCREAMED AT DURING YOUR BLIP.
What the fudge? - [PAULA.]
"Lemurs like to cuddle.
" - What was that? [PAULA.]
"And five, lemurs are not capable of operating large vehicles or heavy machinery.
A lemur will bring you far more joy than a child ever will.
Please take Wendy and avoid makin' the same mistake I made by havin' you.
Love, your mother Nan.
" Maybe she's right.
[PAULA.]
I'm sorry? Maybe you shouldn't have children.
I don't know who you are, but you seem like exactly the kind of person my mother would send.
How wonderful that she found you.
But you're too late.
I'm already pregnant.
In 22 weeks I'll be havin' a baby boy.
Congratulations.
I'm gonna name him Greg.
Greg "Fuck U Nan" Nazlund.
I think it's a fittin' tribute to a woman who wanted a fuckin' lemur more than she wanted me.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
What happened? - She didn't want Wendy.
- [BRUCE.]
No! That's not gonna fly.
I'm goin' in there, I'll talk to her.
- No, Bruce, don't.
- No, that is not gonna fly.
Not after everything you did to get here.
I'm going in there, I'm gonna give her - a piece of my mind.
- Don't! Sorry.
I'm sorry.
This one mornin' It was back when we lived upstate.
[WENDY CHATTERING.]
My sister and I woke up, and no one was home.
Not my mom not my dad The whole house was empty.
And my sister got scared.
[WENDY CHIRPS.]
And so I took her hand and I said no problem.
We'd go out and find 'em.
Like an adventure.
And so we went out and we started walkin' down this driveway.
You know, we had that long driveway that went on for almost a mile? Mm.
And after a while, I saw my dad's old gray pickup truck.
And I could see it was on because of the exhaust.
[WENDY CHIRPS.]
And as we got closer I could see it was just one person in the car, in the driver's seat.
I could see it was just my dad.
In the front sittin' there.
I saw that he was cryin'.
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
He was crying, and he saw me in the rear-view.
When I looked at his eyes I knew right away that my mom was either dead or gone forever.
Somethin'.
And I had my sister's hand 'cause all I cared about was keepin' her away.
And she stopped.
And I just said "Come on.
Let's go back and let's make a cake.
We'll pretend it's your birthday.
" And she She looked up at me, and she said, "Okay.
" And we walked back and we made a cake.
[BRUCE.]
When did they get back together? Hm? Linda your parents aren't divorced.
Maybe I'm just tired.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BRUCE.]
We both got knocked on the head.
Yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'll get her.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
Hey, Mr.
and Mrs.
Marino.
- Hi.
- [VICKY.]
Hi.
[SIGHS.]
The kids were great.
Um, how was your date? It was a blast.
You should get home.
Your mother's probably worried about you.
- [SIGHS.]
- [VICKY.]
Yeah.
[BRUCE.]
Is 60 cool? Yeah, sure.
- [VICKY.]
Thanks.
- [SIGHS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- [WENDY CHIRPING.]
- I wanna keep her.
Wendy.
[BRUCE.]
I'm sorry.
Hm? That I can't make you happy.
[WENDY COOS.]
Of course you make me happy.
["EXACTLY LIKE YOU" PLAYS.]
You've always made me happy.
- I know why I've waited - Okay.
- I know why I've been blue - Where you goin'? - Prayed each night for someone - Take out the trash.
Exactly like you [DOOR OPENS.]
Why should we spend money On a show or two - When no one sings those love songs - [SIRENS WAILING.]
Exactly like you? You make me feel so grand [LOPEZ.]
Get on your knees! Now! She had nothin' to do with it.
- [LOPEZ.]
Get on your knees! - I did it.
I'm guilty.
[LOPEZ.]
Cuff him! [MAN.]
Hands behind your back.
Come on.
Now I know why Mother Taught me to be true She meant me for someone Exactly like you Annie, I'm a hawk!