Marlon (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

1 What's up, Internet fam? Welcome to "The Marlon Way.
" I spent 16 years of my life learning how to speak Married Woman.
But when I got divorced, I had to relearn Single Lady.
For example, when a girl goes "Hi, it's nice to meet you," what she really is saying is, "So uh, where is this relationship going?" And when a girl says, "Um, do you mind if I leave this little toothbrush here?" What she's really saying is, "Um, so, when are we turning this office into a baby nursery?" And when a girl says, "No, I'm perfectly cool having sex with no emotional attachment," what she really means is [pounding on door.]
Marlon, why haven't you called me? That's what they really mean.
I hear you crawling! Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [smooth music.]
Okay, okay, okay, what did I miss? Okay, you're going to have to drink.
The card said "Never have I ever had sex in a church.
" Well, they say to lay your all on the altar, so I knew I heard her voice coming from the pastor's pulpit.
Talking about, "Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus!" I thought she was catching the Holy Ghost.
She caught it.
All right, "Never have I ever used my sexuality to get out of a traffic ticket.
" Okay.
Oh, okay.
Stevie, you're only supposed to drink if you've done what's on the card.
The officer thought I was very sexy.
Nice guy, he liked my beard.
He let me off with a warning.
Your beard's sexy? It must be all of the jojoba oil you use.
- Okay.
- All right.
"Never have I ever killed a man.
" Who writes these? These are so dumb.
They need to come up with a ghetto version of this game.
"Never have I ever named my children after expensive stuff I can't afford.
" "Come here, Cartier.
"Get over here, Cartier.
"Now where is your brother, Yeezy Boost? Get over here, Rent.
" Stop it.
I mean, who kills somebody? I don't know.
I was a young candy-striper, and he was an old guy on life support.
I needed to charge my phone.
What? They brought him back.
You know, I need to get a life.
I'm going to die of thirst before something I've done comes up on these cards.
My turn.
Oh, "Never have I ever had sex with an ex.
" Cheers.
Hmm? Um, drink, bitch.
I've never slept with an ex.
Uh, hold up.
You mean, since the divorce, you and Marlon-never? Never have we ever.
Well, I assumed the only reason you let Big Head hang around here was because he was breaking you off every now and then.
Yvette, we are divorced.
So? I read an article on BuzzFeed that said something like 38% of divorced couples have occasional sex, and it's perfectly healthy.
And they keep your numbers low.
Yvette, if we wanted to have occasional sex, we would have stayed married.
Hello.
So what'd you think about what Yvette said? Yeah, I know, that was crazy, right? I mean, I always knew there was something off about that girl, but I didn't know she was a killer.
You better watch your back.
She got the taste, you know? They don't just stop at one.
Maybe she got a thing for killing light-skinned girls.
She might be like the light-skinned strangler.
The mulatto mangler.
Watch out.
Marlon, I'm talking about the article.
You know, ex sex? Oh, I mean, 38% of divorced couples hooking up, whatever.
It must be nice.
It's been a pretty long time for me.
You mean, you ain't got no "break glass?" Marlon, you know that I'm not a "hit it and quit it" kind of girl.
I'm the opposite.
I be like, "Slam, bam.
" She be like, "Damn.
" I be like, "Thank you, ma'am.
" And she be like, "So when do I move in?" And I be like, "Chill.
" And she be like, "So it's gonna be one night?" And I be like, "Why'd I hit this crazy girl?" And she be like, "Oh, I know where you live.
" And I be like, "Damn, Stevie, we gotta change the locks.
" Yeah, so it's been a while for me too.
No way.
I'm serious, I had to take a break.
You know, the locksmith was at my house at least once a week? You had to change your locks that much? I was dating a locksmith.
The girl kept letting herself in.
Okay, so what about us? Do you think we could, um, be 38-percenters? Are you drunk? No, I only had one drink the whole damn game, and that was for something you did.
Seriously, Marlon, I want to live a little.
Take a walk on the wild side.
So why can't we do this? Because you're Ashley.
This is not the way you're wired.
I mean, you're going to get all caught up in your feelings.
Pssh.
Not with you.
Marlon, I was already married to you, okay? And I never want to do that again.
Sex was the one part of our relationship that kind of worked.
Yeah.
I did tear it up.
Oh, boy.
Oh, I'd make your little toes do this.
They'd be like [grunting.]
.
They twinkle, twinkle little star.
And then they'd curl up, and you looked like you was throwing up gang signs with your feet.
Let's just do this, okay? No feelings, no romance, just down and dirty.
I won't even shave my legs.
You really think you could do this? Oh, I know I could.
I know I could.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's do it.
So this Friday night, I'll ask Yvette to take the kids for a sleepover, and you and I will join the 38% club.
Cool.
Let's do it.
We'll knock it out like a couple of strangers, and then I'll call you an Uber.
Is that what you do for your jump-offs? Hey, hey, hey, "jump-offs" is a derogatory term.
Mm-hmm, uh-uh.
Okay, they prefer "side pieces.
" Oh, okay.
Yes, or "thots.
" Okay.
And then I call them all an Uber.
UberX? UberPOOL.
And they still want to move in? Girl, I'm Uber-special.
You better get your stretch on.
I got this one move I call "The Superman.
" I just hop up.
Oh! It's crazy.
Then I got this one called "The Roasted Pig.
" I put an apple in your mouth.
You won't know.
Hey.
Are you sure you want to go through with this? You know, something like this could really put a strain on a relationship.
You think Marlon and I are making a mistake? No, I'm talking about me watching your kids.
You know kids do not fit into my life plan.
Everything is so white and breakable in here! You're damn right it is.
Put your hands in your pockets.
Jesus, boo, please give me the strength to not dropkick these babies.
Yvette, I know this isn't your scene, and I really appreciate this.
I'm kind of excited about tonight.
I mean, as impossible as he is, Marlon does know his way around the bedroom.
Eww! [rolling tongue.]
Girl, are you sure you're not going to get hurt fooling around with Marlon? You do get attached pretty quickly.
When that barista put a heart on your cup, you sent his nephew to Space Camp.
I chipped in.
All right, I do tend to get emotionally invested.
But this is Marlon we're talking about, so I think I can remain emotionally detached.
Ahh! Zach, put that down! But it's a ball.
I got to know if it bounces.
Girl, you better get out of here before I change my mind.
Okay, kids, listen to Aunt Yvette.
Thank you so much.
I love you.
Love you.
Marlon, trust me, you're making a life-altering mistake.
You know, you got a lot of relationship advice for a guy who got a "sorry, we're stumped" email from Match.
com.
You and Ashley have a great thing going.
You see your family whenever you want, and you still get to date.
If you go through this, you will destroy a perfect divorce.
I'm just going to make a perfect divorce perfecter.
That's what you think, but it's different for women.
Once you make love, she'll fall right back in, and life as you know it is donesville.
You never say "donesville" again.
It is disrespectful to black people.
Barack Obama did not do eight years in office, getting hated on by Republicans for your ass to say "donesville.
" It wasn't like he finished office like, "I'm donesville.
" No! Barack said, "I'm out, bitch.
" I know what I'm talking about, Marlon.
And I'm telling you this, women can't do it without getting emotionally attached.
If you're not going to think of yourself, think of me.
The hot girls you date almost always have a less-attractive friend who needs to be occupied by me.
If I lose that, my love life is donesville.
You gonna make me violent.
You stop with "donesville.
" Rosa Parks did not sit in the front of the bus and say, "Uh-uh, I ain't moving nowhere," for you to say "donesville.
" Listen, Stevie, I know women, okay? Me and Ashley agreed, this is not going to be all romantic.
We're not making love.
This is going to be hit it and quit it.
Smash it and dash it.
Beat it and street it.
Sex it and exit.
Lube her, then Uber.
And you have a problem with "donesville.
" You've got to trust me on this, Stevie.
Listen, she's not even going to shave her legs.
Hi, Marlon.
Oh, wow.
You shaved your legs.
That's not all I shaved.
Stevie, you was right.
This isn't hit it and quit it.
It's tap it and trap it.
Okay, okay, where are you? I'm in the bathroom.
I told her I had to freshen up.
Hold up, let me splash some water around, so this way she thinks I'm washing my privates.
Listen, man, this isn't the uncomplicated down and dirty that she promised me.
If I leave, I hurt her.
If I stay, she winds up falling back in love, and then I have to break her heart.
- You got to get out of there.
- Oh.
Either way it goes, I messed up the perfect divorce.
Why didn't you warn me, Stevie? I did.
I used those exact words.
[knocking at door.]
Hurry up, Tiger.
Did you hear that? She just called me Tiger.
She's throwing '70s sexy at me.
She knows how much I dig that jive, baby.
Marlon, who are you talking to? Uh No one, Mama.
I'm just in here picking out my nappy chest hairs, throwing on a little Aqua Velva, and I'ma come in there and lay the skinny down on that thing.
Aww, sookie, sookie.
And I should not be hearing this.
There's no sauce on this pizza.
That's because I've seen what you do with sauce at your mama's house.
Can I have some grape juice? Oh.
You can have some water juice.
I'm the only one allowed to drink grapes up in here, okay? Haven't you ever watched kids before? Yes.
I've watched them ruin people's lives.
So you never want to have a baby? Babies make your boobies droop.
They jack your uterus, and they stretch your finances.
I like my life way too much to waste it on kids.
Well, who's going to take care of you when you're old? Say what now? My parents always have me and Zach, and someday they'll have grandkids and people to look after them.
Who will you have? I wouldn't want to be old and alone in this place.
Your bad knee locks up on that stairway with no railing, and bam! They won't find your corpse for two months.
By then, your cats will have eaten you.
I don't have cats.
You will.
[smooth music.]
Oh.
Oh, my God.
I have such a headache.
Would you mind turning that music down? Ugh.
And I feel so bloated.
It must have been all the food we had today.
Okay, first of all, we didn't eat.
And secondly, you love doing it on a full stomach.
Don't you remember how we celebrated you winning the pancake-eating contest? Oh, yeah.
That's right, we came up with a new move that day.
The IHOP.
Hop from there all the way over there.
Why don't you, um Why don't you come over here? Uh, no, I think I'll sit right here.
It's much more comfortable.
And I have a nice northeasterly breeze coming from that vent over there.
It's really refreshing.
Okay, well, I will come to you, 'cause you're nice and clean.
Well, no, no, no, I'm not I'm actually not clean.
I didn't get to wash in there.
I just took a ho bath.
I didn't get to really wash because I don't like your body wash.
I like bar soap.
Yeah, because I get all up in my nooks and my crannies.
And I'm skinny, so I got really deep nooks and really long crannies.
You know, I think I'm going to go to my house and shower, and I'll just come right back.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
Wow, that's the "freak 'em nightie" right there.
Yeah, I know that it was your favorite.
Oh, yeah, it is.
Well, it used to be my favorite, you know, back when we were married, and in a committed relationship, you know, so it's So, um, have you seen "This Is Us?" It's really good.
You know, I'm surprised I like it as much as I do.
The critics love it.
Shh-shh.
How about a little less talking and a little bit more of taking off this towel? Hey, hey, hey, hey, woman.
What is wrong with you? Okay? I'm not just a piece of meat.
How about we have a little small talk, like, "Hey, Marlon, how was your day?" Hey, Marlon, how was your day? Drop that towel.
Wait! No means no, Kobe.
Marlon, what is going on? All right, look, you're not ready for all of this.
Okay? You may think you are, but you're not.
I mean, look at you.
You got on my favorite nightie, you shaved your legs, you've got Egyptian Musk and Blue Nile, and frankincense and myrrh burning.
That's the black love trifecta right there.
And you got that baby-making music playing.
You want to have animal sex, put on some southern rappers that says, "Ahh!" You make it thug, but you don't do this.
This is making love.
That's not what this agreement was about, okay? You're going to get hurt.
[laughs.]
What-what-what What's with the villain laugh? Marlon, I'm not all up in my feelings, okay? This is all for me.
I've never hit it and quit it, and when I have sex, I like to set a mood.
I'm not going to get hurt.
This is a transaction.
I'm just trying to get her done.
So you're not going to get all caught up and get hurt? I divorced you.
I'm fine.
So all the history you and I have together is not going to come creeping into your mind the moment we kiss? Hell no.
In that case, then let's get it popping, hot mama.
It's time to get it on.
Aww, sookie sookie now.
I can't do this.
Marlon.
I'm not gonna get hurt.
It's not you I'm worried about.
It's me.
Yeah, I'd like to get an estimate on installing some railing on a very dangerous staircase.
Yeah, call me back.
ASAP.
[sighs.]
Hey, Aunt Yvette.
Yes? You don't need to have kids.
When you get old, I'll take care of you.
You're all right for a kid.
I broke that glass ball.
You know, when I kissed you, I realized I don't think I could do this without getting caught up.
But you've slept with lots of women since we separated.
Yeah.
A lot.
Like a lot, a lot.
And you didn't feel anything for them.
It's because they're not you.
I'm kind of surprised you could go through with it.
I know, me too.
I just I wanted to take a walk on the wild side, and I think the only reason I could is because I feel so comfortable with you.
So I guess we're not capable of joining the 38% club.
At least you're not.
Maybe we could cuddle? - Fine.
- Okay.
But then I'm putting you in an Uber.
UberX? You didn't put out.
UberPOOL.
Wow.
You're going to put your baby daddy in an UberPOOL with strangers? Yep.
- Want to spoon? - Okay.
- I got little spoon.
- All right.