M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e04 Episode Script

[ Clacking .]
Hey, is it possible to sue your feet for divorce? With your luck, you'd get custody of the arches.
Mine are killing me.
Sure wish they'd let us operate sitting down.
They might, if we could talk the patients into standing up.
Fix you a martini? Haven't you two anything better to do when you're off duty than to lie around and swill gin? "Swill gin"? Sir, I have sipped, lapped and taken gin intravenously, but I have never swilled.
Actually, I'm pursuing my lifelong quest for the perfect, the absolutely driest martini to be found in this or any other world.
And I think I may have hit upon the perfect formula.
- Five to one? - Not quite.
You pour six jiggers of gin, and you drink it while staring at a picture of Lorenzo Schwartz, the inventor of vermouth.
- Twaddle.
- Watch your language, Frank, or I'll wash your mouth out with soap.
By the way, did you know soap was a four-letter word? Hey, Frank, are we disturbing you? 'Cause if we are, I can arrange to get shipped back to the States.
You're not disturbing me.
I'm putting my time to good, constructive use.
- Oh.
- [ Clacking Resumes .]
What are you doing? That question itself shows how bored I am.
Writing my patients back home.
I keep in touch with each and every one of them.
- That's a pretty big job, isn't it? - Not really.
I send them a form letter.
"What's Up Front, Doc?" - A small joke.
- Almost stillborn.
"Well, the fighting here goes on, but I must go along with MacArthur and agree that the beginning of the end is in sight.
" - That's pretty stylish.
- I wrote on the school paper.
I wrote on the walls.
I don't know whether to go on reading this or wait for the movie to come out.
What do you mean? You're quite a guy in here.
Your exploits make Superman seem like a fairy.
Everything in there is true.
But it's such a commercial for yourself.
I was building a pretty good practice when I got called up.
I'll be darned if I'll let those people forget me while I'm over here.
Maybe you could bring the plague back home just to get things started again.
Or you could introduce jungle rot to Indiana.
You're both jealous.
I was in practice only three years, and I already had a $35,000 house and two cars.
Choppers! - How many? - Too many.
- We just got through with two days of casualties.
- Speak to the enemy, sir.
- [ Helicopters Approaching .]
- [ Radar .]
Choppers! [ Clattering .]
- Pull that back.
- Yes, sir.
Let's go, baby, or this boy's kidney's never gonna dance again.
- Can I help? - Help her retract.
This guy's got a bellyful of shrapnel.
Give me a hand.
- I'll be right there.
- I can give you a hand in a minute.
Never mind.
I'll wait.
Why do you keep handing me the wrong instruments? Because you keep asking for the wrong instruments.
Will you shut up? How would you like a spleen across the mouth? Gentlemen! You're doctors, remember? I've seen better surgeons operating on trees.
- How many waiting out there? - Couple of dozen.
I've got a pancreatic injury here.
Anything outside the skull, I'm dead.
- Drain it! - Resect it! - Thanks, Hawkeye.
The book says drain it.
Always! If you were a proctologist, I'd tell you what to do with that book.
You're a year behind in your journals.
Clean that up while I'm gone.
Let's go! We got people double-parked.
I can't find anything.
You left it in your tent, sir.
- My fishing catalog? - Your fishing catalog.
Yes, sir.
- Where do I sign? - Sir, I'd read that very carefully.
It's from Major Burns.
He's right outside.
- Tell him I'm not in.
- Yes, sir.
Sir? Frank Burns has to be the biggest horse's patoot on this post.
You think so? [ Radar Humming .]
[ Humming Continues .]
Frank.
Dismissed.
You heard him, sir.
He's talking to you.
You seriously want to press these charges, Frank? You bet I do.
[ Sighs .]
"Insubordination.
Failure to salute a superior officer.
" I'm a major.
Pierce is a captain.
He's never saluted me once.
The nearest thing to a salute on this post is the camp mutt, scratching the fleas behind his ears.
"Lack of military courtesy.
Captain Pierce constantly calls me by my first name.
" Not allowed, Henry.
Page 85, the Army Offiicer's Guide.
You honestly want him to call you Major? I have got oak leaves on my shoulders.
And I've got dimples on my butt.
None of that means anything around here, Frank.
Shall we get on with the charges? You insist on pressing them? - Radar! - Yes, sir? - Get Pierce and tell him I want to see him.
- I sent for Captain Pierce.
- Right this way, sir.
- Show him in.
- Whatever it is, it better be good.
- He's out of uniform, as usual.
I tried sleeping in my uniform, Frank, but my medals keep stabbing me.
Burns says the operating room is becoming impossible.
He's right.
I agree.
All that blood and those sick people.
It's terrible.
You know what I'm talking about.
You're trying to take over.
You answer every question, call every shot.
- You do it.
I don't care.
- They don't ask me the questions! I can't understand that.
You've got a $35,000 car and two houses.
- That's a $35,000 house and two cars.
- Uh-huh.
You were still working in a hospital when they called you up.
I realize it's ridiculous for a doctor to work in a hospital.
It screws up your golf.
- Burns does outrank you, Pierce.
- It took the U.
N.
to do it.
- Listen, Pierce- - Knock it off! This can't continue.
- Why don't you sell me to the Red Sox? - I'd love to.
- But what I obviously have to do is appoint a chief surgeon.
- Now you're talking.
He'll be in charge of all surgical situations.
In addition to his own work, he'll assist each shift to help with the tough cases.
- The job will be a killer.
- I can adjust.
I hope you can.
I'm giving it to Pierce.
Oh, thanks.
What? You can't! I won't stand for it.
The one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife.
What about rank? - Can I help it if I'm not as rank as you? - This is unheard of! Face it.
Pierce is the best cutter in the outfit.
He's certified in chest and general surgery.
In case you haven't read the papers, there's a war on.
We're here to patch guys together.
We can't be so G.
I.
we lose patients.
-Are you implying he's a better doctor? -Yes, when the heat's on.
If you want heat, I'll give you plenty of heat! Frank? "Failure to salute a superior officer.
" Hey, you may just turn out to be one of the good guys yet, Henry.
Hawkeye, don't let me down.
Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform? - Margaret, I, uh- - Frank! I- Oh, I was just, uh, fixing this cut I have on my head.
Margaret, something just awful has happened.
- Take a deep breath, Frank.
- [ Inhales, Exhales .]
- Now tell me.
- Margaret, something just awful has happened.
- And? - Colonel Blake's appointed Pierce chief surgeon over me.
He can't! It's against regulations.
- Doesn't he know that? - He did.
It is, and he does.
Oh, my poor baby.
[ Sniffles .]
Frank, it's not unmanly to cry.
[ Chuckles .]
I would not give them the satisfaction.
That's my strong fella.
Oh, Margaret.
[ Sobbing .]
- [ Chattering .]
- Attention.
Attention, all personnel.
Barring the arrival of new casualties, at 2100 hours tonight, there will be a special ceremony in the mess hall to crown the 4077th's new chief surgeon.
That means tonight's movie is moved to tomorrow.
It's the latest War Department film on the dangers of V.
D.
Be sure to see it with someone you love.
[ Woman Singing In Japanese .]
Put on the record.
[ Record Scratches .]
Quiet, please, everybody.
[ Clears Throat .]
This is the moment you've all been waiting for.
Ladies and gentlemen and anything in between, it gives me great pleasure to present Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, our new chief surgeon.
- ## [ Fanfare .]
- [ Cheering .]
["Pomp And Circumstance".]
Thank you.
Thank you.
You may all kiss my ring.
[ Laughing .]
- They're gonna get theirs.
Boy.
- Type, Frank.
Type.
- Speech! Speech! Speech! - Speech, yes.
Some men are born to greatness.
Others have it thrust upon them.
And then there are those of us who got it both ways.
Keep those crowds back behind the toilet paper.
"Dear General Barker, I think I should call to your attention-" [ Murmurs .]
"My qualifications as a doctor-" - [ Murmurs .]
$35,000? - Hmm? Mmm.
Type.
Type.
Margaret, when you touch me like that, I- Type.
Type.
I guess you could say that medicine has been my life.
I always wanted to be a doctor- Just ask any little girl I grew up with.
[ Moans .]
Frank.
Call me Tiger.
[ Moans .]
Frank.
- Your oak leaves are killing me.
- Oh! Oh.
Now how will I be able to write the general? Come on.
But let me say this, honestly, when you live in a cruddy situation like this long enough, you get to love a few people and even hate a few.
I guess outside of our families we'll never be closer to anybody than we are to each other.
You finished? What did I get on the humble meter? [ Murmuring .]
- One more thing, then we got to get back on duty.
- I'll buy that.
I assure you that it's imperative, sir, or I wouldn't have called.
[ Trapper .]
The trappings of your offiice, sire.
Your orb.
But, sir, I- but, sir- General Barker? Margaret Houlihan.
Yes.
I think you ought to get up here at once, sir, for the good of your command.
[ Cheering .]
- Your scepter.
- [ Cheering .]
Yes, sir.
I think you ought to take a good look at your new chief surgeon.
Major Houlihan, Burns.
- We're so glad you're here, sir.
- So glad.
The situation better be as bad as you indicated, Burns.
I'm happy to say it's worse, sir.
There's a badly wounded patient who's been waiting to be operated on since 1:30.
He's just lying there waiting.
- It's 2:00 now.
- 2:03.
All right, I'll get right into this.
I may want to see you later, Major, for your own personal slant on all this.
Yes, sir.
Just where, may I ask, is Chief Surgeon Pierce with a patient waiting in surgery? Well, sir, you wouldn't believe this.
I don't like this at all.
No, sir.
- You took three? - Right.
- And you, Kaplan? - Two.
- And you didn't take any? - Nope.
How would you like a land mine up your moustache? Ten bucks, Hawkeye.
I'd like to win this pot while I'm young enough to enjoy it.
Easy, fungus face.
Call.
- Out.
- 'Night, all.
- Full house.
- Three of a kind, all bad.
- I've seen bigger pots.
- Keep away from the mirror.
- What are we playing? - Threes and nines are wild.
If you want, you can buy a new card on an open four.
Except February which has 28.
- We here to play or talk? - I think I'm here to lose.
Ace bets a dollar, blind.
- That's a lot of respect for one ace.
- As you were.
Oh, hiya, General.
What are you doing, marching in your sleep? - Ace bet a buck.
Who's in? - I call.
Pierce, I've been told you have a seriously wounded patient for whom you are responsible.
- You bet your bellybutton, Dad.
- I what? - Pair of twos says five.
- Out.
- In.
- Pierce.
You're a little late, General.
I'll deal you in next hand.
That soldier requires surgery.
Right, that's why I checked him into the hospital instead of the P.
X.
Are you gonna take care of him, or are you gonna go on playing poker? General, the man came in with a chest wound.
I put a tube in him, and I'm watching him very carefully.
You call this watching? I get a bulletin every quarter hour from the nurse who is very devoted and a great kisser.
When do you intend to operate? Hopefully, never, but if I have to, I figure around 3:00 a.
m.
By that time, he will have been given his blood, and his pulse and his pressure should be stabilized.
Until then, you're going to do nothing? Don't be ridiculous.
Of course I'm going to do something.
I'm going to meet his five dollars and raise two more.
You're not talking to some idiot desk jockey, Captain.
I'm a doctor myself.
If you want to operate now, be my guest.
I get the same pay whether I work or not.
Your two and two more.
Pierce, you're in very deep trouble.
I don't think so.
I can beat a pair of twos.
Fold that.
This conduct is intolerable as a chief surgeon.
I order you to begin that operation.
Either take the case yourself or join me at 3:00.
You're making it impossible for me to concentrate on my poker.
If I don't win this pot, I'll never be able to send my sister a new truss.
The last raise is mine.
You haven't heard the last of this.
I wasn't listening to the first of it.
We'll just wait until we hear what Colonel Blake has to say about it all.
- Watch out for the- - [ Crashing .]
- [ Clattering .]
- trash can.
I hate loud generals.
- Are you in or not? - Yeah.
[ Grunting .]
[ Groans .]
Oh.
- Soldier! - Yes, sir.
- Which way to Colonel Blake's? - Twenty feet straight ahead.
- Were you born in that position? - Yes, sir- No, sir! - Dismissed.
- Yes, sir.
- What are you doing, Corporal? - Doing, sir? D-o-i-n-g.
What are you doing? Listening to you spell doing, sir.
Doesn't Colonel Blake mind your smoking his cigars and drinking his brandy? - Yes, sir, very much.
- Then why are you doing it? I don't mind, and I figured as long as one of us is reasonable.
Just a little joke- Ten-hut! Is your hand broken? Get that cigar out of your hand.
Now, tell me, where is Colonel Blake? If he isn't in his tent, he could be anywhere.
Doesn't anybody in this outfit ever go to sleep? Only on duty, sir.
[ Exhales .]
Halt! Friend or foe? I'm General Barker! How do I know you're not one of them with a clever makeup job? - Corporal Klinger, isn't it? - Right! Still trying to get out on a psycho, eh, Klinger? I can tell you, it'll take a lot more than this.
Then I'll just have to keep trying, Mary.
[ Scoffs .]
- General Barker? - What, may I ask, is going on here? -Just playing, sir.
- That I can see, but what? Strip dominoes.
Nurse, is everybody around here crazy? Everybody who's sane is, sir.
Just tell me, please, which is Colonel Blake's tent? Right outside, sir, hang a right, two tents.
Thank you.
Go to bed.
- See? - Forget it.
[ Whispers .]
Coast is clear.
Be with you as soon as I can.
Bet this looks funny.
Bet it doesn't.
Any luck, dear- Oh! General.
I'm sorry, sir.
I thought- Honey, I got us some real beauties.
- Henry! - General Barker, what are you doing- Where have you been? Digging worms for fishing.
And leaving this place run by that maniac you appointed chief surgeon? I can assure you Captain Pierce is very capable, sir.
- You think so, huh? - Yes, sir.
- Come with me.
- Yes, sir.
- Leave the worms.
- Yes, sir.
He said leave the worms.
This place is a madhouse, Henry, a nut farm.
Gee whiz, that's a bit strong, sir.
Do you realize you've a man on guard duty who's wearing a skirt? Luckily he's got the legs for it.
[ Laughs .]
- Where's Pierce? - Over in surgery.
- Come on! - As you were.
- How much did you win? - About 50 bucks.
I'm sending it to my wife for her private detective fund.
Is she going to have you followed out here? It's for when I get back home, starting the second night.
- Ah, Pierce.
- Ah, pull up a sink, General.
- Still got a patient? - At 1:30 when I checked him last, our guy in there had been given less than a pint of blood, whereas he'd lost two or three.
His pulse was around 120.
His pressure was down to around 90.
Now at 3:00, he's been given three pints of blood.
His pulse is 80.
His pressure is 120, and he's received five million units of penicillin intravenously.
Of course, his chest is still bleeding, but now we can operate safely and quickly.
We don't have to do it frantically and carelessly.
Let's get nice and sterile.
What's that worm doin' in there? Okay, General, now I'm going to sandbag you.
You think we're ready to get out of this chest yet? - Obviously you don't.
- Give the man a cigar.
The general or the patient? See, Dad, we haven't found any small holes in the lung yet, only large ones.
I think he's got one in his lingula that we won't find unless we look for it.
I've seen some bubbles I can't account for.
Give me some suction here.
- And there it is.
- I'm impressed.
So am I.
Let's over-sew the lung.
[ Yawns .]
Well, sir, what do you think of my chief surgeon now? I'm not very good at apologies, Pierce, but forgive a rusty old doctor, will you? I think you're very good at apologies, General.
Major Burns is probably going to continue to complain to you about the promotion.
- May I make a suggestion about Major Burns? - Yes, sir.
Give him a high colonic and send him on a ten-mile hike.
- With full pack.
- Good touch.
Well, I'll see you to your jeep, sir.
I don't expect to be back unless you got problems, Henry- real problems.
Problems at the 4077, sir? - [ Klinger .]
Halt! - Klinger! - Who goes there? - The man's naked! Come on, Klinger.
Put on a dress or something.
At least a slip.
[ Mumbling .]
- Longfingers.
- Longfingers.
Stick a drain in there.
- Hawk, this looks like a job for Clark Kent.
- Coming.
Put a stitch in that drain.
I'll be right back.
Watch it.
- Pierce? - What? Can you give me a hand with this resection? - Can you hold on for a second? - Sure, no sweat.
I'm ready, Doctor.
We'll split the fee, right? Right.