Miracle Workers (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

Craig, you've been working here forever.
- You're the best.
- They say I'm the best.
The greatest talent to ever work in this department.
He's all style, no substance, okay? Trust me.
What? - Safety's on.
- Oh! Yes, I was checking the safety, Sanjay! Time to change the game.
Sweet.
Thanks again for your help, Sanjay.
It is too bad you can't stick around.
Maybe I will.
What? Okay, guys.
Coffee is up.
And we have a half-caf soy cap for Sanjay and a double red-eye for Eliza.
Whoa, that is awesome! What's awesome? We were watching what Sanjay was like before he died.
Did you know he was a prince? Of, like, a tiny empire.
It wasn't as glamorous as it sounds.
It's hard to wear all that gold.
It really starts hurting your back.
What were you like, Eliza? Oh, I mean, compared to you? Pretty lame.
Aah! Oh, come on.
That necklace.
Why? I mean, who wears bones to a massacre? I mean ugh, I thought I was so hip.
Craig, why don't you pull up yours? Oh, no.
We should probably get back to work, shouldn't we? No, no, no.
Come on.
You saw our embarrassing lives.
It'll take too long to find.
Found it.
Huh.
What is this? What are we looking at here? That's me.
By my bog.
Say more.
There was a bog.
And I was chosen to live in the bog and watch the bog and keep an eye out for the bog monster.
Uh, it was not especially glamorous or cool.
But I was doing something important and valuable.
I was keeping the town and my friends safe from the bog monster, who, funny enough, I never saw or found any trace of and as I describe the situation out loud now for the first time, it occurs to me that there never was any bog monster and I was there for nothing.
That's my life.
Well, anyway, big day ahead of us.
Here's to the team.
Oh.
Hey.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Oh! Oh! - Oh! Oh, hot! Hot! Okay.
So.
Sam and Laura.
How do we get them back together? Let's figure this out.
- I just did.
- What? They both have a mutual acquaintance who's throwing a party tonight.
Looks like all we have to do is find a way to get them both invited.
- A party? - Yeah.
What's wrong with parties? Oh, I don't know, Sanjay.
Maybe just the fact that they are death traps.
Think about it.
Lots of people.
Jostling.
A communal food bowl.
It's unsanitary.
Unsanitary? We just watched you eat mud out of a bog.
Yeah, that was clean mud.
Eliza, can you believe this guy? I mean, I agree with Sanjay.
Party seems fine.
Unless you have a better idea.
Well, yeah, I will.
Soon.
I just, uh just need to find somewhere to sit since I no longer have a chair.
- What's that? - What? Nothing.
Sanjay! Hey, Sanjay! Sanj? Jay man? Sanjay! Sanjay's not here.
Oh.
Well, what's going on here in Rosie-land? - I'm working.
- Ah.
Read you loud and clear.
Don't let me interrupt.
It's the food claw.
You know from Lazy Susan's? Is there maybe someone else you could talk to? We're the only ones up here.
What about on Earth? It's been years since you had a prophet.
Oh, well, yeah, that's by choice.
I mean, every time, it's the same old story.
You know, I-I meet some guy in the desert and get to talking and, you know, it's fun, and then, like they get They get obsessed with me.
They start building temples and compounds, and I'm like, "Whoa, buddy.
I like you, but we just met.
- Pump the brakes.
- But that wouldn't happen this time.
The world's ending in six days.
So there's not enough time for things to get serious.
Ah, you make a good point there, Rosie.
Yeah.
Let's put ourselves out there.
Rosie! Come on.
- It works.
- Nice! - Awesome.
- Wait.
You got them invited to that party already? Yeah, it was easy.
Sanjay just got all their better friends sick with the bird flu.
Okay, the bird part was Eliza's idea.
I wanted to go swine flu.
Look, look, look.
They're picking their outfits already.
We are on our way.
Yes.
We.
Oh, hey, Craig, can you grab us some more coffee? Oh, yeah, and I'll take a half-caf soy cap, uh, three pumps of hazelnut syrup, hot, but not, like, "ugh" hot.
That sounds really good.
Yeah, let's get two of those.
Two of those.
If you don't mind.
Nice.
Great thinking.
You too.
What about him? Eh, he's too smug.
- He looks nice.
- Trying too hard.
Ooh, hello! What am I doing? I always fall for the same type.
The skinny guy with the stick and the hair.
You know, maybe there's just nobody out there for me.
So what? I got you, right, Rosie? What about this guy? - Dr.
Dave Shelby.
- Huh.
Hey, stranger.
- What's his deal? - Looks like he's a laser eye surgeon.
He's in good health, advanced degree Okay, nice.
Nice.
But isn't he kind of square? I mean, I like them a little rough and tumble.
Says here he's got a guitar.
A Stratocaster.
Plays in a band on the weekends.
Oh.
Ohh.
Okay.
He's the total package.
I want him to be my friend and my buddy and also kinda like my dad.
- Is that weird? - Yeah.
- Should I call him? - Yeah.
- I should just call him, right? - Just do it.
- Is it crazy? No.
Yeah.
- Just go crazy.
All right, you're right.
Let's stop talking about it and just do it.
Uh what do I say? - I mean, what do I say? - Um You know what? I'm just gonna use a line.
I am the Lord, thy God.
Aah! Dave? Dave Shelby? Honey, is everything okay? Go inside.
Take the kids.
- Dave, what is it? - Dave? It's nothing.
I-It's not important.
Not important? Heck, Dave.
C'mon.
Buddy.
I don't get it.
Wh Wh Why is he playing so hard to get? Maybe just move on to another prophet.
I don't want another prophet! I-I want Dave! Boy, this is gonna take some doing.
Well, it's a good thing I've got you, wingman.
Oh, yeah.
You have to come back up.
God met this prophet and No way.
I'm not about that drama right now.
Well, someone needs to help him, because I'm not doing it.
- I will.
- Whoa, Craig.
Were you just sitting there alone the whole time? Yep.
Shall we? When did the voices start? This morning.
Just out of the blue.
Are you hearing him right now? Yes, I am.
What is he saying? He's singing "My Sharona," but he doesn't know any of the words to "My Sharona" except "my Sharona," so he's just saying "My Sharona" over and over again.
And he's also pitching an idea about a swimming-pool restaurant thing.
Sorry.
Sorry.
It's a lazy-river restaurant called Lazy Susan's.
It seems like you're going through a small psychotic break.
Dave, Dr.
Sheryl doesn't know what's best for us.
I keep telling you She's the toxic one, right? God? Your wingman.
Hi.
You're just in time.
Come on.
Oof! I'm striking out hard here, man.
This I've tried telling jokes to this guy.
I've complimented him.
I even told him my real name.
All that happened was that he had a seizure.
Oh.
Well, um, yeah, I-I don't know much about prophets, - but I'll try and help.
- Oh, thanks, bud.
I appreciate it.
I know you must be busy.
Well, uh, actually, I'm I'm not really that busy.
I don't think anyone downstairs really needs me anymore.
Oh, well, I need you big-time.
Oh.
Okay, well, yeah, great.
What's, uh What's the plan? Hit him hard with a tornado.
Uh, what? S-Sorry.
Why? If Dave wants to play games, I'm down to clown.
Look at how close they're sitting.
Conditions are perfect.
They just have to make a move.
I can show you, um, some photos of the two of us.
This is her on her birthday.
Um, that's her near her car.
He's got 75 photos of his nana on his phone, and it looks like he's gonna go through all of them.
Wait a minute.
What's the chemical analysis on that punch? Here we go.
2% alcohol.
- It's practically milk.
- Ugh.
These two are never gonna kiss if they're sober.
We gotta spike that punch.
Uh, the refrigerator? Maybe knock it down, tip some bottles into the bowl? No, it'll break it.
What about the Subwoofer.
It's working! The punch is strong.
What? The punch is strong.
Oh.
Totally.
Why is the tornado staying in one place? This is impossible! Ahh! Yeah, um Okay, you know, I have to be honest honest.
Uh I was a little nervous about going out tonight.
Yeah.
No, I Me too.
But, uh I feel, uh Oh.
Shit.
They look catatonic.
How much did they drink? I only saw two cups.
This punch would up a horse.
You got them way too drunk.
- Me? - It I'll be right back.
Oh.
Ohh.
A freak, highly localized tornado destroyed one family's home today, while leaving the rest of the neighborhood unscathed.
The Category 5 twister appeared out of nowhere and touched down directly on the home of Jennifer and David Shelby, known to local residents for their massive charitable givings.
In my 20 years as a journalist, I've never seen a more beloved Hey, player.
We got a little situation downstairs.
Any chance you could come back and help us out? The coffee materials are in the coffee nook.
Craig, what is up with you today? Why'd you leave? Because I had no reason to stay! Uh, the two of you are so cool, with your parties and risks.
No, that's the problem.
When it's just the two of us, we push things too far.
Okay, we need someone who's cautious and timid and very afraid, you know, someone who will hold us back, because because he is so scared all the time of everything.
And that's where you come in.
You're a big part of this team.
No, not anymore.
Look, before you came, me and Eliza were working well together.
We had something.
And since you're here, I don't have a reason to be there.
I don't have a reason to exist.
And I'm quite busy right now, so Those are merely 30 of the 400 charities founded by the now-homeless Shelbys.
Very rarely does a newscaster pull this one out, but, oh, the humanity.
If there is a heaven above and anybody is watching, I simply ask, "Why?" Here I am.
Yes! Okay.
Now, Craig, watch the master.
3, 4.
Oh, hey, Dave, right? From Earth? Yeah, uh, listen.
We need to talk.
This isn't gonna work.
It's not you.
It's me.
I just got a lot going on right now.
I'm busy with work, I have my kids' Little League.
I got to find a new place to live, so there's that whole situation, and and, honestly, I don't want to be anyone's prophet right now.
And, also, our friendship is really important to me, and and, to me, that's, like, the main thing, is that I want to preserve our friendship.
Hello? Yep, I'm still here.
Oh.
Thank you for telling me in person.
That's very cool of you to be so up front.
And, uh, yeah, it's great.
Um, 'cause, you know, I-I-I feel the exact same way, so, yeah, it's cool.
Cool.
Cool.
So, uh, what do we do now? Well, Craig, I think this is a teachable moment.
I mean, we all feel rejection sometimes.
And it hurts.
But you gotta let it go.
Or you're just gonna end up alone.
Thank you, God.
I-I actually think I really needed to hear that.
Oh, any time.
All right.
- Let's kill this guy.
- What? B-But But what about everything you just said? A-About "letting it go"? Unrelated.
Oh, no! Oh! It It all just broke suddenly.
- What? - Yeah, I'm so sorry.
It all just stopped working.
What am I gonna do? I-I don't know, but I-I-I-I do have to go now.
- I'm so sorry.
- Go?! You just No, come on.
Hey, wait a minute! - W-Wingman! - Sorry.
Ah, wingman! If we don't sober them up, they're gonna pass out.
Uh, ah! Ooh! Maybe we knock that ceiling fan down onto their heads.
- That's insane! - Oh.
Oh, really? That That would kill them instantly! What's your idea, Sanjay? At least I'm trying.
Their heads! - To no end! - At least I'm pitching shit! Whoa! Hey, guys.
Uh, hey.
I'm I'm I'm sorry it took me so long to get down here.
That's fine.
We're just happy you're here.
- Get in here.
- Okay.
So, um, sorry.
How alcoholic is that punch? - Extremely.
- Great.
I've got an idea.
- Here.
- Oh.
Thanks.
Okay.
Whoa! What the Aah! Oh! Move! We got to get out of here! Totally! - Cold shower.
- Nicely played.
Let's see how they do.
Yeah, we got a sixth-degree burn.
The elbow is gone.
- That was crazy.
- Yeah.
Prep the O.
R.
, and somebody better wake Dr.
Schneider.
Hey, do you I was wondering - Oh, you first.
- No, you.
I was wondering if I you wanted to hang out sometime.
That's what I was gonna ask you.
Okay.
Well, there we go.
Friday? Friday.
- Yes! - Yes! So, Friday.
- Is that enough time? - Mm.
Just barely.
Okay, well, we've got a lot of work to do.
I will make us some coffees.
Wait.
- I'll come with you.
- Me too.
Rosie! I need you! Aren't you busy with your prophet? Uh, yeah, you know, uh I decided that I should focus more on my career right now.
So we are gonna beta test this puppy all night.
- All right? - Wonderful.
Come on.
No, I'm telling you She's really neat, Nana.
And I'm taking her on, like, a real date.
I'm so excited, Sammy! Did you hear that? "Real date.
" That's huge.
We might actually pull this off.
I mean, barring any unforeseen calamities.
Wait, what's that scary red number mean? - Uh-oh.
- Oh, no.
Okay, well, I'm gonna call you tomorrow, and you can help me pick out an outfit.
I'll be right here.
That's disappointing.