Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s01e04 Episode Script

Hello? What? Oh.
Sorry, I- I was, uh, Just driving down.
I stopped to admire the view.
Ah, so you must have seen the sign on the main road? Sign? Glenbogle Bed and Breakfast.
Bed and Breakfast? Times have changed round here.
You'll be our first guest.
If you're looking for a room that is.
Yes, yes, I am.
Uh, Harold Xavier.
Archie MacDonald.
Archie.
I run the place, and if there's anything you need During your stay, just ask.
I've put him in the front room.
It's a bit drafty, but at least The ceiling's not falling in.
- Is that dish hot? - It's warm.
Lexie, we're trying to run a kitchen here, - Not a burger van.
- Here.
They're al dente, yeah? Yes, I boiled them for 40 minutes exactly.
- You what? Lexie- - shut up and take it in.
Right.
Right.
( theme music playing ) Here we are.
So, you up here on business or, uh- Research.
This looks splendid.
Everything okay with your room? I hope the mattress isn't too lumpy.
No, no, everything's fine, thank you.
I couldn't open one of the windows but, uh Really? Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'll see to it right away.
- No, it's no bother.
- Duncan! The window in Mr.
Xavier's room is jammed.
See to it, please.
Aye, right.
Of course.
I don't want to put you to any trouble.
Please, it's no trouble.
You must treat this place as your home.
We try to keep things informal around here.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Hector: Where in heaven's name Did that woman put my dressing gown? - Father! - What is this female obsession for constant cleaning? Ah, hello there.
- Archie: You can't walk around like this.
- Like what? - Wearing a tatty old towel.
- What? Oh.
I do beg your pardon.
That looks good.
Trout, isn't it? Excellent.
Well, I'll go and put some clothes on then.
I, uh I see what you mean about informal.
Stark naked? Apart from a sprinkling of dandruff, yes.
It's not funny, mother.
Maybe if you'd just given him some notice.
Who knows what he could have managed? I know he dislikes this bed and breakfast thing, But he doesn't have to streak through the dining room.
( Hector laughing ) Hector: Oh, MacPherson, our so-called butler, Decamped in '73.
Wouldn't have minded but he ran off with all the cutlery.
We were eating with our fingers for weeks.
Xavier: And what about your housekeeper Miriam? Oh, Molly.
You remember Harold.
Mr.
Xavier.
I thought you'd gone to America.
Just a flying visit.
25 years or so.
- You haven't aged a day, Mrs.
MacDonald.
- Oh.
Didn't recognize him earlier.
Had a beard in those days.
Yeah, and you wore more clothes.
And young Archie has certainly changed.
Molly: Mr.
Xavier came here years ago to study the estate records.
- He's a genealogist.
- Watch this, watch this.
Farquharson.
Farquharson.
Farquharson of Invercald: Finlay Mor, standard bearer, Fell at the battle of Pinkie, 1547.
Francis, the "Baron Ban," led the clan at Culloden, 1746.
On the death of his grandson, James Farquharson, The title passed to his daughter Catherine, Who married James Ross of Balnagowan, 1820.
Isn't that amazing? Keep him topped up with malt, he'll carry on indefinitely.
Hector: So, what brings you back to Glenbogle? I've been asked to Trace the descendants of a particular clan.
I was hoping to have a look at some records, - If that's convenient.
- 'course it's convenient.
They're conveniently in the attic.
We'll get them down for you.
Not busy, are you, Archie? Doesn't genealogical research include doing your own excavations? Nonsense.
We're running a guesthouse, Archie.
Can't have the guests doing their backs in.
Marvelous.
Marvelous.
Records for every local family since 1770.
Who was Miriam MacKinnon? Miriam? Our housekeeper, 20 years ago.
Best one we ever had.
This case has got her name on it.
Shouldn't we send it on to her? Tricky.
She passed away a few years ago.
Perhaps you should give it to her daughter.
Who's her daughter? What's her name? Firebrand, lives up in the hills.
Katrina? Katrina: Won't party headquarters be sending out A search team for you soon? I thought I might write my report up here.
Did you? Katrina, I know you're cheesed off about the ball.
Because you drove a flock of sheep through the dance floor? - Why would that bother me? - If it got you into trouble with the Laird, I'm sorry.
I really didn't mean to mess up your life.
You never do, and you always have.
I miss you.
I miss the scent of you.
I just can't bear the thought of you up here on your own.
Why, because without a man my life has no purpose? Oh, not just any man.
I'd better be getting back.
The kids'll think I've bunked off for the afternoon.
- I'll run you down there.
- I'm fine.
If you get bored, there's the washing up.
Duncan: There's more to your man than meets the eye.
Wish I could say the same for you.
That's no way to speak to a duke, Lexie.
Have you been out in the sun again, pet? That man Xavier, he's looking for an heir to the Ballantine estate.
I saw his papers upstairs.
Archie: And you just accidentally happened to read them? I asked you to fix his window, Duncan, not turn his room over.
I couldn't help it.
I saw the name.
Ballantine.
That's my granny's name.
Oh, so that makes you Duke of the Highlands, I suppose? Maybe.
Eventually.
Before you head off to the palace, Could I have the keys to the Land Rover, please? They're in his other cloak.
The one with the ermine collar.
- She needs new plugs, but you should be okay.
- Cheers.
I suppose from now on you'll be traveling in a sedan chair, Borne by comely and compliant maidens.
You volunteering? You need to lose some weight first.
Starting off with that fat head.
Oh, go ahead, mock.
Don't worry, I will.
Man #1: I've got every right to them kids! Man #2: You've no right to this at all! - What do you mean "you"? - You're a scabby old swindler! You're the thief, ripping off my ideas! Archie.
Mr.
Pearce, Mr.
Johnston.
- We're here to see Hector.
- I'm in charge now.
What's the problem? - His goat raped my stock- - He's trying to cheat me out of my kids! - Right, one at a time.
- I keep goats.
There's no money in mutton or wool these days.
- So my idea was to try goats' milk.
- Your idea?! - Aye, and you ripped it off! - Gentlemen.
So, Mr.
Original here, buys hisself a billy.
And last autumn he lets it loose in my field.
- It escaped! - Covered six of my ewes.
And now he wants the kids.
So his goat ran off and sired six kids in your flock? - Aye, and half of them are mine.
- Over my dead body! - Suits me! - This is ludicrous.
Just take it to court.
To court? Aye and get fleeced by a bunch of lawyers? I don't think so.
We're here for the judgment of the Laird.
It's our ancient right.
I may be the Laird, but I know nothing about goat farming, and I don't intend to learn.
Now, please, just take this dispute somewhere else.
Somewhere else? - Well, what was I supposed to do? - Who knows? Those two have always fought like rats in a sack.
You think I'm shirking my responsibilities.
You won't get rid of them that easily.
I'm sorry, you're in my light.
Oh, right.
Beg pardon.
Can I help you with something? It's just that My name's Ballantine.
My granny's is, I mean.
Was.
Really? Jenny Ballantine.
She won't be in that book.
And why should that be of any significance? Well, I glimpsed your papers upstairs, A- about the legacy.
My research is supposed to be confidential.
No, there's no need to worry about that.
My lips are sealed.
It's just that I thought I could save you some trouble.
I could get her birth certificate, my gran's.
By itself that wouldn't prove anything.
No, honest, she was definitely my granny.
No, no.
It's just that with a bequest of this nature, I would have to correlate it with other records.
Ah, I see.
Right.
Uh What sort of bequest is it, Exactly? Where was she from? Your granny.
Paisley.
Inverness, originally.
Go on.
Hi.
Oh.
I was looking for Katrina.
She's still at work.
Were you planning to move in? - It's for her, actually.
- You can leave it with me.
I'd rather give it to her myself if you don't mind.
Then you'd better come in.
Archie: I thought you'd gone back to Edinburgh.
I meant to, but the poor girl's desperate for intelligent company.
Yeah, she must be.
It must be pretty cramped in here With the two of you.
It is pretty cozy, yes.
But we're used to it.
Can't all live in a 20 bedroom mansion.
They're a bit overrated.
Yes, I know.
Lugging your own suitcase? I suppose you can't get the staff these days.
I just flogged my valet and can't do a thing with him.
Katrina: Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello, love.
Who's going to put the kettle on? I will.
I doubt the Laird knows his way around a kitchen.
We found this in the attic.
I think it belonged to your mother.
That's her handwriting.
I don't know how it ended up in Glenbogle.
It'll have to be mugs, I'm afraid.
We're out of Wedgewood.
Not for me, thanks, I'm not stopping.
Fine.
It's more for us.
Archie, don't mind him.
What's to mind? See ya.
( door slams ) Does the Laird disapprove of cohabitation? Who said anything about cohabitation? He might've jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Did he jump or was he pushed? Yes, yes, his granny was a Ballantine all right.
Her first husband was killed at Dunkirk, Just a few weeks after the wedding.
Married again in '42, Alex McKay was his name.
- A cousin of my father's actually.
- You mean we're related? Around here everyone's related, son.
But it's not something to boast about, if you know what I mean.
- This is splendid.
- Anything else you need to know, just say the word.
No, thank you.
No, no, this is plenty to be going on with, But I think I need another look at the baptismal records.
Anyway, thanks again.
I won't forget this, when I come into my inheritance.
I think you need to wait to be crowned first Before you start dispensing knighthoods.
July, 1972.
They couldn't even have a picnic Without staff waiting on them hand and foot.
Was pretty, your mom.
Where's your father? My father didn't work on the estate.
My mother married him after she left.
- She kept a diary.
- Alan, leave it, please.
What shabby little scandals went on below the stairs? "Saw H.
today for the last time, up at the big house.
Tried to tell him I was carrying his- But Molly came in.
" Good grief, Katrina.
My mother had an affair while she was working at Glenbogle.
She became pregnant with me and then left.
And then she married my father.
My dad.
"H.
at the big house," who's H.
? Who do you think? Now This is the interesting bit, you see? Now where did I put it? I don't know how you find anything in this mess.
By using a cunning filing system of my own invention.
Don't tell me, it's all up here.
Ha, no, no.
Nothing so old-fashioned, my boy.
All filed in order of amount of dust gathered.
Yes, this is it.
This is what I wanted to show Xavier.
The Glenbogle MacDonalds.
They're all here, From the infamous Red Fergus, right down to the present day.
Excuse me.
I think there might be one name missing.
Remarkable.
I had no idea your mother kept a journal.
Katrina: It wasn't her writing skills that struck me.
I always wondered why she left so abruptly.
I suppose that explains it.
- Hector.
- If you'll excuse me? Welcome.
Welcome to the family, dear.
We must all celebrate.
Excuse me.
Mother, wait.
I'm sure there's an explanation.
I'm sure there is, but I don't think I want to hear it.
Look, I'm sorry.
To have a black sheep in the family? Hector's the black sheep, not me.
You've got every right to be angry.
I haven't even got to angry yet.
I'm still in shock.
- You realize what this means? - Yeah.
That my parents lied to me all my life.
You've got a brother.
Great.
Just what I needed.
- And I've got another sister.
- And that bothers you, does it? Yes- well, no, I mean It was bad enough being an orphan, But I'd rather be an orphan than the daughter of a Laird.
I shouldn't be doing this.
A man of my position.
Listen, son, Archie's the Laird.
He scrubs out the toilets.
Aye, but Archie's skint.
Of course, I was forgetting, you're heir to a fortune.
Why do you think your man's being so secretive? I'll have gold diggers and debutantes And all sorts chasing after me.
- A terrifying prospect all right.
- Aye.
The thing is, I'd rather have a girl who loves me for myself.
There's a big lunatic asylum just outside Fort William.
I was thinking of somewhere closer to home.
Like the big house, you mean? Only I'm a bit skint- pending the settlement.
Duncan.
A man in possession of a fortune, Must be in want of a wife.
Thanks- you'll get it back.
First rule of nobility: Never pay your debts.
Look on the bright side- At least you didn't inherit their looks.
- Do you think this is funny? - Of course not.
I'm just trying to cheer you up.
I think maybe you should go back to Edinburgh.
- You need a friend right now.
- Aye, I do.
Someone to give you objective advice.
What do you advise? Look You're entitled to certain things.
Public acknowledgement for one.
Do you think I want everyone to know about this? Correct me if I'm wrong, but won't it be all over the village by now? That's it.
I'm moving out.
You're not running away from this.
Look, that family treated your mother like dirt.
Now's your chance to make them pay.
A simple yes or no, Hector.
Even you could manage that.
Good god, it was 25 years ago.
I know it's terribly vulgar of me to care If my husband sleeps with the staff, But for some absurd reason, I do.
So, how many others were there? Or does a gentleman not like to boast? I'm not having this discussion.
We are having this discussion.
There is nothing to discuss.
What a man does or doesn't do In his own house is his own business.
If you want to torture yourself, go ahead.
I won't torture myself, that's always been your job, and you excel at it.
( doorbell ringing ) You see this? You see it? It's attempted murder.
Try it again and you can have the other barrel, You thieving beggar.
Enough.
That's enough.
I told you to take this somewhere else.
You call that justice? You call yourself a Laird? Ah, you're no son of Hector MacDonald.
Right, that's it.
You want me to intervene, I will.
Those goats are hereby wards of the Laird.
What? You don't try to seize them, And you don't try to dispose of them without reference to me.
Satisfied? How long does that go on for? Until I say otherwise, Or until you sort it out between yourselves.
Goodbye.
Where are you going? - Going to stay with friends in London.
- Mother.
I am not just an appendage to your father.
I never thought you were.
Neither did I, Till today.
Do you realize that's 300 years old? - Sorry, Archie, I was just- - practicing, yeah.
You'll find it a bit different from modern nobility.
Here.
Chin down.
Not so square in the shoulders.
Frown.
Yeah, that's it.
All you need now is the chronic overdraft, The divorced parents, and you're there.
I suppose it's your friend Geordie? - I beg your pardon? - That you're running off to.
You've got a bloody nerve, MacDonald.
This business was so long ago.
We are not discussing vintage port.
Lies don't improve with age.
I've never lied to you.
Damn it, I'm not that woman's father.
I've no idea what those journals were referring to.
MacKinnon was probably deranged.
Thank you, Hector.
And now let's hope that's the end of the matter.
But, where are you going? Too little, too late.
Too-? What more do you want from me? Stupid woman.
- Is everything all right? - It's fine.
I hope I haven't been the cause of any discord.
Oh, no, no, no.
Please, it's nothing to do with you.
Just a- just a bit of local genealogy.
Hmm.
Well, it's not always a dry academic exercise Unfortunately.
It's good of you to see us at such short notice.
Katrina is a neighbor.
She's always welcome.
She's a bit more than a neighbor now, isn't she? Please, come through.
Katrina has arranged to get a blood sample taken.
She was hoping Hector might provide one as well.
I'm sorry, I really don't think that- It's as much for your benefit as ours.
"Ours?" I'd just like to know for sure, Archie.
So would I.
But I'm not gonna ask him right now, he's too upset.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, But his troubles are of his own making.
Alan, I know you're trying to help, But it's not working.
We really don't want to go to court over this.
You are not getting a blood sample from my father, It's out of the question.
- Fine.
- I'll give you one.
If I'm Katrina's brother, the tests should prove it.
They might.
I'll look into it.
Alan, could you give us a minute? I don't think you should- Thanks, Alan.
I suppose if you want blood, you need a leech.
I'm sorry, But he's got a point.
We need to know.
Katrina, if you want to be part of this family, Nobody's gonna fight about it.
Maybe I'll see you at the doctor's, okay? I thought you'd gone to the House of Lords.
Been down at my folks' place looking for this.
Granny's birth certificate.
Proving my claim to the title.
All I need now is the coat of arms.
And what'll that be? Crossed wellies in a field of neeps? You do realize you'll have to curtsy to me every morning? - Says who? - It's etiquette.
Could settle for a small bow, - But you'd still have to call me "sir.
" - In your dreams, boy.
Of course, if we were man and wife, you could just call me Duncan.
No, I think "sir" has a nice ring to it.
I've got something for you.
What's this? The Ballantine family jewels? Used to belong to a millionaire.
Gerald Ratner.
Duncan.
Will you be my duchess, Lexie? Duncan, I can't.
Why not? The thing is, um You being a duke, And- and me being a housekeeper- It just wouldn't work.
Look at Hector.
- But- but you'd- - holy-! ( bleating ) Lexie: Archie! Duncan: Come here! Oh, for heaven's sake.
( bleating ) Lexie: Shut the gate, Archie.
What the hell are you doing dumping those animals here? Apparently they're the wards of the Laird.
You call yourself the Laird.
You can feed them.
Archie: They're destroying our garden.
Mr.
Johnston! You go this way.
Lexie: Duncan.
Come on, come on.
That's it.
Another normal day at Glenbogle then? Where's your friend? Alan wouldn't be much help.
He's a bit scared of farm animals.
In that case, I'll order some more.
Are you here about the blood tests? Blood tests'll take weeks.
I can't wait that long.
One, two, three Four, five.
Duncan, where are you going? - Hang on, hang on.
- Duncan? Oh.
Ah! ( bleats ) Oh, no! Could you take a look at this? Ah, this takes me back.
When was this? '72.
Katrina: Where was it taken? St.
Michael's Island.
It's an old chapel just outside Inverness.
Didn't Miriam look good? She had an old friend they used to visit up there.
Joan McBride was her name.
And do you think she would know? Could give her a ring.
Thanks, Golly.
You're welcome, lass.
Good luck.
- Any chance of a lift? - Hmm? I can't do this by phone.
Archie: It's the isolation.
Same with all these farmers up here.
They wander the hills all day With no one to talk to but the animals, And every niggle gets blown up into some Sicilian vendetta They want me to it sort out.
You volunteered to be Laird.
I didn't volunteer.
Nobody's making you stick at it.
I owe it to my family.
Very selfless of you.
I suppose you can't bear All those tenants doffing their caps.
I haven't noticed anyone doffing anything, actually.
You needn't look so smug.
If you're a MacDonald, You'll have to share the duties of the Laird.
- I don't want them.
- Tell that to these guys.
( engine knocking ) Archie Why are you stopping? I'm not stopping.
The car's stopping.
( engine cranks ) ( engine cranks again ) ( sighs ) Well? Well, this is definitely the engine.
Don't you know anything about cars? Almost as much as I do about goat breeding.
It's only 8:00.
I'll head back to the nearest village.
That's nearly 10 miles.
Forget it, Archie.
( sighs ) Did you bring your toothbrush? Ah, someone's bound to come along soon.
I hope so.
I've got school on Monday.
Why don't you crash in the back? Duncan's got a mattress in there, In case he gets lucky at a rave.
- And what about you? - I'll be all right.
Don't be daft.
Come on.
Shall I bring up another crate? What do women want from men, Lexie? Money, Security, um, respect.
A nice, tight bum.
Sorry, did you want those in order of preference? Does fidelity appear on the list? Honesty's in there somewhere.
You've never been married, have you? You got well steamed when you thought Molly Was fooling around with that bookie.
Oh, really, there's no comparison.
The man's an oik.
And I suppose this housekeeper Was a baroness on work experience? I should have known better than to ask the cook.
Aye.
Well, Here's another tip from the kitchen: What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the scrawny old gander.
( sighs ) Katrina: Is it too late to do all those brother and sister things? - What, like camping out? - And arguing.
And slagging each other's friends off? - Like who? - Like Alan.
How did you end up with such a creep? He's not that bad.
And I haven't ended up with him.
- Really? But I thought you were- - what? What's it to you anyway? I'm your brother, I'm supposed to look out for you.
That'll be nice.
Good night, bro'.
Good night, sis.
Can you move your elbow? Ow! Damn it.
( deep sigh ) Try now.
( engine starts ) Okay.
That's her.
So when was the last time you changed those plugs? Uh Never.
I'm not surprised she broke down.
But then again Maybe you aren't either, eh? Did you find her? Joan McBride died two years ago.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Looks like you've had a wasted journey.
It was the only photograph she kept.
It must have meant a lot to her.
Come on.
Where? Over there.
You can't just take a boat.
I'm a Laird.
All my ancestors Were pirates and thieves, apparently.
Are you coming? Yeah, all right.
Katrina: Once you've seen me, You'll understand I'm a better rower.
It looks like we're not alone.
The island of lost souls.
( camera clicks ) - Mr.
Xavier.
- Archie.
You're a long way from home.
Morning.
Ah, oh, ah Crest of the McBrides.
You'll note the baton sinister.
Fifth earl came from the wrong side of the blanket.
Is this something to do with Duncan's claim? No, that's all sorted.
No, this is more personal history.
Oh, sorry, this is Katrina Finlay.
- Ah.
- Mr.
Xavier's a genealogist.
Katrina's doing some research of her own.
Only we haven't got much to go on.
Apart from This photo.
- Oh, may I? - That's my mother.
We think she had an affair with Hector MacDonald.
We came here looking for proof, Only there's not much you can tell from a photo.
On the contrary, You can tell a great deal.
Your mother's not smiling at Hector.
She's smiling at the man taking the picture.
See? - So who took the photo? - I did.
27 years ago.
You're Miriam's daughter? I didn't catch your name? Harold Xavier.
She used to call me "H.
" It started with a look, A touch, as we Passed in the hallway.
It was intense.
It- it was extraordinary and It was insane.
It couldn't last.
I- I never dreamed that she was ( deep sigh ) If it means anything, There hasn't been a day when I've not thought of her- For what might have been.
I- I met your father once.
He was a good man.
Don't suppose you'd Need another? It's just that I'd Like to make amends.
I don't need another father, no.
But I'm a bit short of uncles.
You must be relieved.
To find out that I'm a product of a passionate affair And not the Laird's bastard offspring? - What do you think? - I think it's great.
Life's tangled enough.
Without anyone threatening your inheritance, you mean? You're also relieved because now you can climb back on your pedestal.
My pedestal? And preach about how the land belongs to the people, And how I'm corrupt and elitist and exploitative.
You left out arrogant and smug.
I'm glad I'm not your sister.
Hear, hear, if it means we don't have to go camping together.
( engine knocking ) Archie.
You can have the back this time.
Don't be daft.
Y - you have it.
I'll stay here.
( engine cranks ) ( engine starts ) - What a relief.
- Yeah, certainly is.
- Duncan: What am I gonna do? - There's only one thing you can do.
Find out which goat it was, and follow it round with a shovel.
- Huh? - Or else you could just come clean.
Good morning, gentlemen.
You'll be pleased to know That I have completed my research.
I- I can get another copy.
Pardon? The birth certificate - it got damaged.
There was an incident with some livestock.
He means a goat ate it.
Duncan, I don't need to see it.
I have verified the claim.
Yes! Do you hear that? And I am delighted to name you, Golly Mackenzie, As the rightful heir to the Ballantine legacy.
- Golly? - You pointed out yourself, you are related.
He's the elder surviving male.
The terms of the bequest state- To hell with the terms.
Where's the doc- where's the proof? Thanks to the information you gave me, The bequest is no longer in doubt.
A lock of hair? From the head of Bonnie Prince Charlie.
Duncan: That's it? That's the legacy? Along with the honor of belonging to the Ballantine clan.
Oh, big deal, pal.
And of course, the money.
Eh, money? Yes.
The deed of 1804 allows For a grant of £30.
And- and how much would that be worth today? Exactly £30.
Thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I am having lunch with my niece.
- Good day.
- Good day.
Here.
Seeing as how you've Pulled out most of your own.
What about the m- half of that's mine.
I'll take it out of what you owe me.
There's no rush.
I'm gonna have to tell Lexie that- Lexie- Lexie! I'm not a duke! Lexie! Why didn't MacDonald just tell you? Why did he put you through all that anguish? You've got a case against him For mental cruelty, surely.
I don't have a case.
I'm not interested.
Archie put you up to this.
Contrary to what you seem to believe, I do have a mind of my own.
Fine, fine.
It's just that- What? It was only a bit of groundwork, that's all.
What was? What have you done? - I spoke to McClintock.
- The journalist?! It was deep background, off the record.
You know what that means! It means my picture all over the Sunday tabloids: "spurned love child of lusty Laird.
" You've got to admit it has a certain ring to it.
- Phone him.
Now! - It's not too late to- Gordon? It's Alan.
Alan Smythe.
About that story Yes.
Great.
There's just one minor detail.
It was a hoax.
What can I tell you? I know.
I'm disgusted.
Molly.
What am I going to do with you? Oh, I- I know it was silly of me, but I never thought a gentleman discussed that sort of thing.
Not even with his wife? Especially with his wife.
I was embarrassed, I suppose.
That you hadn't had an affair? I mean, the Laird is supposed to- It's part of his duties.
Ordering the estate, administering justice, Tupping the housemaids.
Only I never felt inclined.
You're just an old fraud.
Well, the thing is I- I've never loved anyone but you.
It's pathetic, isn't it? You're, uh, supposed to kiss me at this point.
Aah! Are you deaf? I said kiss.
I heard what you said.
Ooh! They've had half the shrubs, all the roses and your dress shirt.
They're not goats, they're locusts.
What the hell am I supposed to do with them? That will take the judgment of Solomon.
Come on.
Thank you for coming, gentlemen.
I wanted to- It's well for you, laddie.
I've got a farm to run.
Golly: You do not interrupt the Laird when he's speaking.
Mr.
Pearce You were not asked to sit.
Hold on a wee minute- Hats off in the Laird's presence.
As you know, I wanted you to take this to a proper court, But it seems you've given me no choice.
So with the greatest reluctance, I've decided to take matters into my own hands.
According to ancient Highland law, Any livestock that despoils my garden becomes my property - What? - To dispose of as I see fit.
I've struck a rather poor deal with a Lebanese restaurant In Glasgow specializing in barbecued goat.
You're not sending them for the slaughter? They're worth far more as milkers.
They're paying me 50 quid, And I'm keeping the lot.
Good day, gentlemen.
Now, wait.
Hold on a minute.
It's a sinful waste to slaughter them.
He can keep them.
He can have them.
Better that than they all go to waste.
I'm sorry.
I've made my decision.
Please, your Lairdship.
I'm sorry about your garden.
I'll make good the damage.
Pearce can have the two male kids, Johnston keeps the rest.
Take them with you now.
After this, the matter is closed.
- Johnston: Fine.
- Oh, yeah, suits me.
Thank the Laird.
- Thank you.
- Aye, thanks.
( door closes ) Yes! I actually wrote a paper On ancient Highland laws and customs.
I never came across that one about the grazing rights.
Oh, yes, an extremely ancient one that I just made up.
Ah, that would explain it.
Ah, Molly.
Thanks for everything.
Don't leave it so long next time.
Hector.
Everything, uh, all right? It's nothing, just a kick from a temperamental mare.
Watch it or I'll kick the other one.
Ah well, you mind you take it easy.
So long.
Bye, Harold.
Harold: Thank you, Archie, It's been a revelation.
I'll see you, Harold.
Ah.
I'll write.
Oh, I forgot to thank him For not ennobling the staff.
Of course.
It's bad enough dealing with bolshie crofters, Never mind usurpers.
Look, they asked me to play that role.
I only gave them what they wanted.
Aye, but you enjoyed it, didn't you? No.
You're a good Laird, but you're a hopeless liar.
You think I'm a good Laird? - No.
- That's what you said.
You're good as Lairds go, But the sooner they go, the better.
- Ha! You think I'm a good Laird.
- No, I do not.
Yes, you do.
I heard you say it.
- I don't think you're a good Laird.
- Victory for me! ( theme music playing )