Mr Bigstuff (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

1
'The following program me contains
strong language and adult humour.'
Might we have that chat today?
Sh-shh! That's your promotion.
Ian, why are you here? I've set
up camp over by the shagpiles.
It's Fight Club.
Argh! Sorry, Ian!
A hundred days and
I shall thee wed.
Expensive things, weddings.
Mental the amount people spend.
About your suspension. A
lot of stuff DID go missing.
Do you not fancy me any more?
Glen?
Someone's
been a naughty boy!
It's him, Ron. We're gonna
have to find his brother.
Why are you here?! It's
really frickin' bad.
I'll see you the same time tomorrow
for your next reading, yeah?
Love and light, from me
to you.
CosmicSue72.
Right. What do you want? Hm?
Please, I just wanna talk to her.
Glen, I ain't seen her
that upset since Year 10
when she found out that
Darren only went out with her
cos we had a Sky dish.
What I wanted to say -
So it's a "no" from
me. Christ, Sue!
Sorry. I just, erm
I haven't really slept.
I just need to see her,
to explain to her
What the fuck were YOU
up to last night, eh?
Nothing. I'll tell
her you swung by.
Kirsty!
Get out of it.
Kirsty! Kirsty! Kirsty?
You shall not pass.
Please! Kirst!
Let me explain! Go away,
Glen! I'm not talking to you!
I told ya. You ran off, Glen!
You disappeared! Lee made me!
Oh, yeah, bloody Lee! Sod off!
Get out of it!
Alright, yeah, yeah.
Bye, love. See you later!
Dance class, yeah? Maybe.
Have a good day
at work! Love you!
Get out!
Alright, Sue!
Clear off, will
ya? Sue, wait! Sue.
Listen, just give her this,
yeah? For her lunch break.
I've done her favourite.
Whatevs. Sue, Sue!
Fuck!
Well? She won't talk to me.
So, you know, thanks for that.
I was trying to help you, you prawn!
I didn't know she was upstairs -
It don't matter now
because she won't even
Fucking Sue thinks that
And now you're stinking up my
upholstery with your bloody
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Stress of the
D'Urbervilles. Chill out.
You'll think of something
to win her over.
What is this, anyway?
Smells like Nan's.
'This one is Power
Of A Woman by Eternal.'
Alright, love? Bit sad?
I get it. Men.
I see Glen still don't know
you're a jobless wonder.
Let's have a chill-out day.
Bargain Hunt's on in a bit.
I think I might go into town.
Oh. Alright. Well, I'll
do me hair - On my own.
I see.
Well, at least have your
breakfast, seeing as I've made it.
No, I'm alright, thanks. Hm
Ungrateful cow.
'Talk me through
this one more time!'
Your situation. Fuck's
sake. I've told ya.
I borrowed some money
off some naughty people.
I gotta lie low. It's nothing.
How is that nothing? Eh? Fuck!
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna get out of your hair
and I'm gonna go find
a hotel or summink.
What? No! No, you can't go
anywhere! It's not safe.
These blokes who are
looking for you, right,
they don't know where I
live. So, stay at mine.
It's fine, but we need a plan.
Tonight, when I come home from work,
we'll think of something.
Like Mum used to say. Remember?
"When your head is in a spin,
take a mint and pop it in."
She weren't wrong.
Thanks, Glen.
Oh, shit.
What if someone comes to ME
looking for YOU? One of these men?
You'll be sweet.
You just gotta
keep your eyes open
for geezers driving about
in blacked-out motors,
with tattoos on their faces
and shooters. OK? So
You know, the er
I'm joking. I can't
even have a laugh!
Jesus Christ! You're
gonna be fine!
Anyone asks you
anything, you just say
.. "I ain't seen him
in years." Alright.
"I ain't
seen him in years."
"I ain't seen him in years."
Excuse me. I'm looking for
— I ain't seen him in years.
your laminates.
Sorry. Um
It's back that way.
Mm.
Psst! Psst!
Hello, Glen!
Ian, where's your trousers?
They're gone.
Oh.
Million Dollar Bill
If he makes you feel like a
million dollar bill, say ♪
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh!
Go left right, up down ♪
But, Ian Ian, have
you not slept? Ian?
I am not the Ian
you once knew, Glen.
But I see it now. Lee showed me!
None of this matters!
Boom!
See? No consequences!
Because the truth is, Glen,
everything is completely
meaningle-
Ow! Ow! Ow! OK,
alright, alright.
I don't need any of this.
I'm gonna fucking quit.
Ian, Ian, please
don't do that. No, no.
You just want your
little promotion, eh?
Well, tough tits, big boy.
I'm off, baby.
I'm out of here for good. OK.
Just as soon as I
can find my trousers.
Find my
Find Ian?
Ian
Uh
Ooh-ooh.
Yo, Glen!
Mate you can do
better than THAT.
What? Uh
Aysha, no, no, no.
Aysha, he's Aysha!
Have some of this. It's
what rappers drink.
Er, I'm good, thanks,
Ian. Cos it's haram.
Also, it's half
nine in the morning!
Aysha? Aysha, we need to keep
him here and sober him up.
Chris Tarrant!
Right? What about him, eh?
Right, you'll have to
go out front. What? Why?
Cos there's these two fuckers
asking for the manager, innit?
Scary cunts. I'll deal with him.
It's SIR Trevor McDonald to you!
Oi, Glen? Hm?
If shit gets nasty, can
I fuck him up or what?
Power Of A Woman
Let me take control
Body, mind and soul
Ahhh, doo doo doo ♪
How's that for you? Er, yeah!
It looks great, thank you.
Lovely. My Auntie Janet
wore that to ABBA Voyage.
'Belinda, please come to
the lingerie department.'
Hi, there! How can I
help?
Glen Campbell. How
do you know my?
Oh, it's It's on my
badge!
Glen Campbell. Like country
singer? Uh, yeah, yeah.
Er, Rhinestone Cowboy! Yeah, our
mum was a big country music fan.
So, er - And your brother?
Some naughty people.
You said "Our mum".
Your brother, what's his name?
Is Johnny Cash? (LAUGHS
Nah. No, no, it's just, erm
No, I don't
I don't have a brother.
Just me and my sister.
Dolly Parton.
Oh, you
are funny guy.
Thank you. Yes, well,
trying to be, yeah
with tattoos on their faces.
What? Nothing, no,
no. It's j Um
You have
lovely eyes.
You know, I think we will
get along very well. Yes?
I need Lee! Where's
Lee? Dickhead, bruv!
Oh, I'm s
I'm just gonna go and see
And don't it feel good, hey
Alright
And don't it feel good? ♪
It's alright. I'll come now.
There's only one woman here trying
on that horrible sequined thing.
Argh! What did I say,
bitch? Don't try me!
This prick's had a
second wind! Lee!
Who's he talking about,
anyway?
Alright, it's about my brother.
He's staying with me,
he's in a bit of trouble
and I think those men
outside are looking for him.
Don't tell anyone,
alright?
We need to call Sheila, his wife!
Have you got her number, though?
Fuck! Give me the fucking -No!
Give me! Get the tape, Aysha!
Lee! Get the fucking tape!
Is that you?
I-I did it because I Oh!
Oh.
Is there someone you
want to call? My fiance!
Hold him still,
man! What's wrong with you?
Do it!
Got it! Suck it, bruv!
Suck your mum!
You call Sheila. I'm gonna
deal with these blokes.
Bro, bro. You got this, bruv!
Spud me, then, dickhead!
'The way you've
been talking suggests
that there's quite a lot
of'
'..high stress situations
that you have to deal with.'
'Yes, the stresses of modern life
make it hard to get some peace.
Our minds are
constantly whirring.
But I do know that there's always
one thing that I can count on
to bring me some relief.'
You know, baby
I want you to feel it
You see
I want you to feel the tempo
So, just listen to me, baby
Can't stop me now
Hear what I say
My feet want to move
so just get out my way
I'm
gonna have my say
I'm gonna introduce your dance
I'm gonna dance,
dance, dance, ooh
If you make the chance
Shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame
Oh, shame on you
If you can't dance too
I said shame, shame,
shame, shame
Shame, shame, shame
Shame on you
If you can't dance too
Don't stop the motion
If you gets the notion
You can't stop the groove
cos you just don't move
Got my salmon down
Got my diamond in the back
Pull off the shirt
and wiggle around me
You're gonna do your thing
Shame, shame,
shame, shame, shame
Oh, shame on you ♪
He's here. Your fiance.
Alright, my darling?
So tell me, Glen Campbell
do you live around here?
Uh, no, no. Far, very far.
Really?
So, um, let's take a
look at fabrications.
I think you know we're not
only here for carpet, Glen.
We're looking for someone, Glen.
You understand? Yeah.
Tell you what.
I might just pop and get the
very big sample book. Ha-ha
So, if you just bear with
me for a moment Hey!
Come back soon.
We will wait.
Fuck.
Fuck!
What? What is it?
Fuck.
Fuuuck! Fuck.
Pick up! Fucking pick up, Lee!
What? Is he here? I
don't know what to do.
I don't know what to
do. Glen!
Hang up the phone, Glen.
You DO know what to do,
Glen. Lee showed us.
We're men, Glen! We don't
run from our problems!
Lee helped us last night.
Now it's time we helped HIM.
Just think, "What would Lee do?"
She's been detained
for questioning.
After that, I'll call the police.
Not really being detained, is it?
Cos there's a treacle waiting
to get her sandwiches.
Sorry!
Won't be a min!
What you gone for? Nice
bit of ham? Yeah. Thanks.
Fine! We'll skip straight
to calling the police.
Good. Can we do that, please? Do
me a favour while you're at it.
Tell them to bang her up
for a very, very long time.
What? What? I've
had enough, Kirst!
I've had enough
of this, alright?
You're not well.
If this is the kick up the
bollocks you need, so be it.
No! I No, no, no.
Doing it for charity
doesn't mean it's OK.
Yeah
Yeah, yeah, you're
right. You're right.
It started off really small,
er, the Ice Bucket Challenge,
then we had, what was
it, the Couch To 5K?
Then she got a
real taste for it,
then we went on to
the Tsunami Relief,
then the Syrian earthquake
- Help For Heroes.
Then we had the Help For Heroes.
Honestly, if you hadn't had
stopped her See this?
This would've been
straight on eBay,
all the money going straight
to fucking Autism Awareness.
Is that right? Yeah.
I just I really
I just care a lot, like, too much.
She does. Yeah, I can't help it.
She can't.And I, you know,
I just, I've got a
I've got a big heart, see, and just
ain't nobody gonna change that!
So just, er, just get it done.
Call 'em. Cos she needs to learn
to stop being so fucking generous.
Yeah.
Honestly
I feel sort of
insulted that you
thought that would work.
I mean, you're a white
woman in a tea dress.
The worst you're gonna
get is a caution.
You know what, just piss off!
And take your eyelashes with ya!
I'm sorry. We don't have
anything else in store
that would be suitable for
you. So
I'm afraid you might
be best to go elsewhere.
Come, Glen. We go.
Blago is getting impatient.
Fine.
Yeah, you wanna do this?
Yeah? Let's just do it.
You wanna fuck me up?
Yeah! Fuck me up. Sure.
I won't go down without a fight.
You can do what you want
to me, but I swear
I'm never gonna show
you where I live!
OK, no
problem. We host.
Sorry? Yeah, sure. We host.
I'm sorry. I'm not
quite sure what you
OK, look
Two tops looking
for a bottom.
Casual hookups. No strings.
I enjoy
nipple play.
Yeah, me not so much. You?
Oh. Oh, I'm
Sorry, I'm I'm
not I don't
Oh!
..Dolly Parton?
So Sorry.
So, you're not
interested in my brother?
Erm, is he cute?
Lee, I'm coming! WAAARGH!
Ian, no! They're
just gays! Aaaargh!
Ian!
What are you doing?
Hello, Sheila.
I'm so sorry about this.
Ian, love, where
are your trousers?
My
Oh.
I'm sorry. So
you and Ian Separated, yes.
It's been six months. But I don't
think it's sunk in for him just yet.
I'm sorry. Ian. Ian! Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry, Ian. Sorry
Sorry. You DID say, didn't you,
you know, about the promotion
There is no promotion,
Glen. What? I just
One time, it slipped out, "Oh,
you'll be due a promotion."
And then you just
kept bringing it up.
No, no, no. Ian, Ian
Come on, Ian. No, I'm sorry.
Ian, Ian, Ian! Ian! Ian
Un Homme Et Une Femme
I think I finally get it,
what people mean when they
say "job satisfaction".
When you was like,
"Restrain Ian! Fuck him up!"
And I was like,
"Biiitch!"
Best day!
Why are you being like this,
bro? Why are you killing my vibe?
What am I gonna tell
Kirsty? You know?
We've planned our wedding around a promotion
that don't exist. I'm a fucking idiot.
I didn't even know you
was getting married.
This is your problem - you keep
your shit locked down.
I'll sort it.
Pardon? "Pardon?"
Honestly, you crack me up.
You're like Mr Bean or summink.
I'll sort it. Just
like I sorted Brian.
What? My family own
this place, remember?
I told my dad that Brian showed me
his dick in the stock overflow area,
and now he don't
work here no more.
So I'll get Dad to make you
manager while Ian's away.
And you'll get paid
like double or summink.
You're joking?
Aysha?
Aysha, oh, my God.
Are you sure?
I've gotta tell Kirsty.
She's gonna be, erm
Right. Tell you
what.
As temporary
interim acting manager,
my first executive order is
Ha! We're closing early!
Yeah. In fact, I tell you what
YOU'RE closing early, Aysha.
Because I have got a
fiancee to win back.
Yes, Glen! Go off, short king!
"Pardon?"
This bloody guy.
Honestly, he cracks me up.
Oh, soz, mate. Closing early.
Honestly, it's been a mad one.
Glen, yeah, the
one that just left,
he's got this brother who's
staying with him, right?
'Fucking trouble, ya
know what I'm saying?
Like, I'M bad, innit'
I only called
you because Yeah.
So there's no need to tell - No.
God, no.
And actually
I had it all under control
before.
Cos it was only
meant to be like
little things, like
I don't know, like mascara
or whatever, but just
Now I've got barbecue
sauce on my top.
Here.
Thank you.
Lee
do you ever feel like
you're just, like
the worst person
in the world?
You try, you
really try, but you just
You just
You, er
You've got a chip
Jump for my love!
Jump in!
And feel my touch
Jump, if you want to
taste my kisses in the night
Then jump for my love
I know my heart ♪
Hey, love!
Yeah, erm, I'm just staying
late at work, with Jen.
I'm snowed under.
Yeah? OK, yeah! See you
later. See you at dance class.
Alright, love. No worries.
See you later.
Thanks, Jen.
Glen, I
I think you might want
to talk to Kirsty
about her suspension?
The Love Me Or Die
I studied evil, I can't deny
Was a hoodoo charm
called a Love Me Or Die
Some fingernail,
a piece of her dress
Apothecary, Devil's behest
I will relate the piteous
consequence, my mistake
Fallin' slave
to passing desire
Makin' the dreaded
Love Me Or Die ♪