Mr. Iglesias (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
The Wagon
1 Hey, how would you feel about loaning me $500? Uh, I wouldn't feel anything because I wouldn't do it.
I get that.
That's why I'm only asking for two.
Dude What? I just saved you 300 bucks! Who are you, Geico? I thought we were bros.
How is you being a bad gambler making me a bad friend? Hey, Tony! You wanna win a bet? - Put your money on Wilson this week.
- Really? You got some inside info? Hello? You know why we call him Coach Dixon? 'Cause he's the coach.
Yeah, and this year I'm coaching Rakeem "The Rocket" Rozier.
Believe me, our opening ass-kicking against Millikan High was no fluke.
You heard him, bro.
It's easy money.
Come on, front me the dough, and we'll split the winnings.
You both clearly have a problem.
Okay? First of all, you haven't had a winning season in five years.
And you're thinking about betting on a coach who hasn't had a winning season in five years! You know the difference between a football coach and a history teacher? - Hmm? - A history teacher never has a winning season.
- What do you mean? - Twenty years from now, none of your kids remember a damn thing you taught 'em.
My kids will remember their blocking assignments for the rest of their lives.
- Yeah.
- You know, for someone who says that football's more important than academics, you'd think you'd win a few more games.
Well, I will as long as you pointy-heads stop treating my guy, The Rocket, unfairly.
What do you mean "unfairly"? Ms.
Spencer, she's got that poor kid doing homework during game weeks! They're all game weeks.
I know.
She's a tyrant.
Morning, fellas.
- Hey.
- So, are you gonna continue that winning streak - on Friday, Coach? - [CHUCKLES.]
One in a row is not a streak.
I'll do better than that! [CHUCKLES.]
As long as you take care of my team, I'll put something shiny in that trophy case for ya.
Ah! Oh, anything for you, Coach.
Mama loves her bling.
Oh! - [CHUCKLES.]
- Good morning, everybody.
Fall means roasted pumpkin seeds.
Don't let her fool you.
She's the world's biggest hardass.
He's talking about the old Abby.
I'm actually mellowing out.
Oh! Tell me your secret.
Oh, she doesn't keep it secret.
I can hear the chanting in my apartment.
Well, if you'd join me in meditation, you'd see how the universe would open up to you.
If you'd join me at the drive-through, you'd see that that universe is already open.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't know, Gabe.
When I look at someone as young and vital as Abby, and I process my own bitterness, I think she's living right.
Talk to me, girl.
Well, it's all about letting go.
Trust me, baby.
I'm hanging on for dear life.
So, where are we on that loan? Bro, you need to stop gambling.
Look, I'm going to my AA meeting tonight, and Gamblers Anonymous is right down the hall.
You should go with me.
Gamblers Anonymous? That's just for people who are on a cold streak.
Seriously, man, the meetings help.
I haven't had a drop of booze in eight months.
Not even a rum raisin.
And you're doing great.
We should go celebrate by Wait, what do people who can't have fun do? Go-kart, petting zoo, Chuck E.
Cheese? You mock me, but you had a great time at that petting zoo.
I did.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias And that brings us to Prohibition, Captain Morgan's least favorite amendment.
Yo, I told you Captain Morgan was a real guy.
Bro, I believed you then, and I believe you now.
Okay, well, let's talk about some dark days in American history.
Wait, there were bright ones? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, America, you just got owned! Yeah, the, uh, 18th amendment.
Ah, sure, keeping the whole country sober sounded like a great idea, but you know who disagreed? The whole country.
Yeah.
Mike's Hard Lemonade would just be lemonade.
Both delicious I've heard.
Hey, if you have money for hard lemonade, how about you pay me back? I can't.
I don't have a job.
Nobody's hiring.
Marisol has three jobs.
Yo, she probably took your job.
Yeah, Marisol's one of the good ones.
Oh, here we go.
One of the good whats, Coach Dixon? One of the good students.
Shame on you for thinking anything else.
I think we were all thinking something else.
We're getting familiar with you.
All right, listen up.
Now someone who needs no introduction: a five-foot, ten-inch end-zone-seeking missile, please welcome Rakeem "The Rocket" Rozier! Hey, baby.
I'mma holla at you later, 'aight? [SIGHS.]
What's up? [DIXON CHUCKLES.]
[RAKEEM GRUNTS.]
The Rocket is here? Oh, he's even more impressive in person! You've only seen him in person.
We go to high school with him.
And now, he's in your class.
You're welcome.
Hey, hey, wait, wait.
No, no, he's not.
Well, sure he is.
You, me, and Principal Madison talked about it.
I clearly heard her tell you, "Make sure he gets an A.
" What? You know, whatever you say, Coach.
As long as he earns the A.
Well, now that I've freed him from the clutches of the Dark Lord Ms.
Spencer, you've got a student averaging eight and a half yards per carry.
Uh, it's actually 8.
9 yards a carry, 4.
6 after contact.
Wow! I did not know your people liked football.
Hey, hey, hey, come on.
What? Her people: nerds.
Better, but not okay.
It's all right, Mr.
Iglesias.
I'm not sensitive.
I haven't had five straight losing seasons.
Well, our losing days are over, thanks to our soon-to-be honor roll student.
In this class, we aren't given our grades.
We earn them.
No matter how much we offer to pay Mr.
Iglesias.
You offered a dollar.
[CHUCKLES.]
It was It was an opening offer.
Rakeem's gonna more than earn his keep here by what he does on the field.
Alrighty.
Good talk.
Welcome aboard, Rakeem.
Uh, before we continue, here in my class, we like to focus on two main rules, okay? "Work hard and be nice.
" Ah! Coach Dixon also has two rules: don't get hurt and, uh, don't get caught.
[CHUCKLES.]
But does he have a sign? You know what? I'm glad to be here.
Heard you good people, big man.
Ah, excuse me.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- [SIGHS.]
- You know [CLICKS TONGUE.]
I can't help but feel like I'm not getting his full attention.
Hey! What the hell, man? Look, okay, a person in no way connected to USC gave those to me, a'ight? Beats by Tre? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, they got these at the Santa Fe Springs Swap Meet.
What are you looking at, man? I feel like I'm in a good place right now.
Today, this dick dumped a problem on me, and I dealt with it okay.
A year ago, I probably would've drank a bottle of tequila and made love to an ATM machine.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Still sucks that that machine never called back.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Thanks for letting me share, you guys.
Whoo! Yeah! What happened? How come you're not over at Gamblers Anonymous? Dude, there are literally zero ladies in that meeting.
I guess women don't have gambling problems.
They do have gambling problems.
Their problem is they bet on men.
Gabe.
Hey.
You were such an amazing speaker.
I mean, let's face it, a lot of the sharers in here are a trail of tears.
But yours always make me smile.
Thank you.
You know, there is a trail of tears in there, but they're hiding behind these dimples.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
No, you just have this way of talking about how great you're doing, and I don't hate myself.
- Hmm.
- Kinda learned that from me.
Hi.
Tony.
No drinking problem, unless I don't have a drink.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
Read the room.
You know, I think it's great you bring your little foster kid to meetings.
Fine.
I'm gonna go get a cookie, almost Dad.
Don't ruin your appetite, mijo.
[CHUCKLES, SIGHS.]
You know, I am always looking for speakers for Friday night's meeting.
- Gimme your phone.
- Oh, yeah.
I'll just put my number in it, and that way, we can keep in touch.
Okay, be careful, 'cause I'm in the middle of a Duolingo lesson.
Trying to learn Russian, you know? [CHUCKLES.]
Just in case.
Okay, I'll see you next week.
Dasvidania, comrade.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Hey, since you're speaking Russian now, why don't you quit "Stalin" and "Put-it" in her? Jessica's a friend, bro.
And And even if I was interested, which I'm totally not can't.
Why not? Because during the first year of recovery, there are certain guidelines.
You have to go to 90 meetings in 90 days.
I've been to three faculty meetings in 11 years, and it was too many.
[CHUCKLES.]
Also, you're not supposed to enter into any new relationships because if it doesn't work out, you might go to your crazy ex, you know? Jose Cuervo.
You haven't had sex in eight months? Hey, man, when's the last time you had sex? Hey, we're talkin' about you, bro! Oh, hey, Abby, I checked out that meditation center.
[GASPS.]
Good for you! Welcome to radical wellness.
- I always feel so tingly when I chant.
- [PAULA.]
Oh.
Me, too.
Oh, my chakras are still tingling, and my tingles is still chakra-ing.
That's very advanced.
You must be a natural.
Oh, I'm a natural woman, like Aretha Franklin, Queen of Soul.
Respect.
Oh, hey.
Guess what? Some hot alchy wants a ticket to ride the G train.
- The G is Gabe, and the train is - They get it, bro.
They get it.
I was being nice.
Look, she could have any of those boozehounds, but she chose you.
She didn't choose me.
And like I said, man, I'm not allowed to date her even if I wanted to.
Gabe, I am so proud of you for engaging in self-care.
When you lean into the rules of the universe, the universe bestows its many gifts.
Namaste.
What does that even mean? That's white girl talk for "hit that.
" There he is! Iglesias, get up here, man! What? How ya doin', bro? Boom shakalaka! [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, thanks so much for taking care of Rakeem.
Bit of an update: he's not doing great in biology.
Can you give him two As in your class? I don't know.
Should I? Shouldn't I? No.
Hah.
So what else is going on in Gabe World? I'm glad you asked.
Actually, I'm Okay, good catching up.
Paula, I know we all wanna win, but how can you be okay with that? Because the only thing missing from our résumé is a football title.
Oh, you can totally put that on your résumé.
Nobody checks those things.
Gabe, you were the one who said, "No child should be left behind.
" That should include Rakeem, a student so fast, he leaves the other team behind.
Thanks for the support, boss.
Mm-hmm.
[IN ITALIAN ACCENT.]
Hey, paisano! What're you doing? The peppers are the best part of the sandwich, eh? What? My sandwich, my business.
Ah, come on.
What's the matter? Too spicy for my Latino bambino, eh? I got a very sensitive palate.
I don't gotta prove anything to you.
It's just peppers, man.
Mm.
[CHOKES.]
[TONY LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I bet you wish you could [IN ITALIAN ACCENT.]
forget about it! [CONTINUES COUGHING.]
Oh, forget about it.
Forget about it.
[GABE.]
Mm.
[GASPS.]
I haven't tasted that in eight months.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
What? - There's booze in this.
No way.
[SNIFFS.]
[SMACKS LIPS.]
Oh, yeah, that's booze, all right.
I think we may have figured out why Coach hasn't had a winning season in five years.
Just a word of advice, if a grown man in dress sweats has a large travel mug, don't drink from it.
See, this lady knows what I'm talking about, right? - [MOUTHS.]
- [GABE.]
Yeah, you know? And sure, the slip was an honest mistake, but the problem is how good it tasted.
Oh! That warm feeling when it hits your chest.
That "pain go bye-bye" feeling.
It - Uh - [MOUTHING.]
The good news is I'm doing great.
I'm doin' doin' fantastic, you know? I can't believe I'm doing so great, I just bought a boat.
[CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY.]
Yeah, all aboard! [CHUCKLES.]
[IMITATES BOAT HORN.]
Thanks for letting me share.
[GABE SIGHS.]
[MAN.]
Okay, hey, I'd like to thank Gabe for coming up to speak.
I'm sure you enjoyed that.
Okay, a couple of announcements [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Bro, what is wrong with you? Dude, I don't know, man.
It's like, I went up there, and I was talking about having a drink, and then she came in, and I was all like, "Ugh.
" I didn't want her to see me vulnerable, you know, bro? So then, when I saw her and I finally did start to speak, I sounded like I was going through puberty.
I was like [VOICE CRACKING.]
"Oh, hi! Everything great? How are you?" - I knew it.
You do like her.
- Yeah.
Glad you're caught up, bro.
Iglesias.
First of all, I want to apologize.
I heard you drank a little of the coach's apple juice.
Uh, yeah, I didn't taste a hint of honeycrisp.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah, what kind of a degenerate are you? And how much should I bet on Wilson this week? [CHUCKLES.]
I can explain.
I'm fighting an infection, - and that was a prescription.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh? So your doctor prescribed Malibu rum? Well, he's more of a healer than a doctor, but yeah.
Yep.
Uh, you know what? It's cool, man.
Apology accepted.
What? I never apologized.
Oh, my bad.
When you said, "First of all, I want to apologize," I kind of took that as an apology.
Wow, some people just hear what they want to hear.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, like, "Sure, drop your player off in my class.
I'm cool with it.
" Bingo! You're my guy.
[BELL RINGS.]
Hey, so what're you gonna do about Jess the hot mess? Oh, sorry.
[WHISPERS.]
Anonymous the hot mess.
I don't know, bro.
I guess I'm gonna do what any reasonable person would do.
Gonna start going to different meetings in a different part of town, where I'll never run into her again, so I can die sober and alone.
[SIGHS.]
Good morning, history class! [WHOOPS.]
It's a great day to be alive, right? Hey, man.
I'll holla at you later.
What's up? What's up, Suge White? Nothing like a bunch of fresh faces I don't have to bare my soul to.
You know, a man's soul is his own thing.
It's private.
So back off, Amazon! I bought these kicks 'cause I wanted to, not 'cause you told me to! - [GRACE.]
I have a question.
- Go ahead, Grace.
Why doesn't Coach just let you take direct snaps? We all know you're getting the ball.
I don't know why I thought the question was for me.
Good looking out, Grace.
I mean, you might see some wildcat formation against Lakewood.
You are a cutie.
My family calls me a wildcat.
You know, 'cause I can sleep anywhere, and I bathe with very little water.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
And do you think they're complimenting you? [CHUCKLES.]
Focus, wildcat.
Mikey.
Mikey, man, you're so soft.
I bet you cried at the end of Toy Story 3.
[STUDENTS LAUGH.]
He did.
I was there.
Oh! Hey, come on.
Settle down, you guys.
Andy was going away to college! Something you'll never do.
[STUDENTS.]
Oh! Walt, you are not the guy in this class who can make that joke.
Yeah, okay, I don't think I'm the only one with a crush.
I mean I mean, I don't I don't have a crush.
[WHINES.]
Shut up, Mikey.
You're always talking about - No! Wait! - You shut up! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Freakin' back off.
She's mine.
Remember, "work hard and be nice"? Walt, I cut you slack on the first part 'cause you've always been so good at the second.
I'm really disappointed.
Rakeem started it.
Rakeem just got here.
He doesn't even know he's here.
You've been staring at that sign all year.
I expect more from you.
That's really on you, then.
Well, that's it.
I'll discuss this with your parents who I need to see after school.
Parents? If If my dad shows up, text me.
I'd love to see him.
Probably with my dad.
Running free somewhere on a farm where all dads go when they say, "I'll be right back.
" I hope we beat Lakewood Friday.
Or at least beat the spread.
Ah, yeah, nothing like putting your hard-earned paycheck in the hands of hormonal teens.
That's what I call living.
Tony, if the universe wants you to win your bet, you'll win your bet.
Will the universe bring me my long-legged beauty I deserve? Well, the universe has its limitations.
Uh, hi, I'm looking for Oh, God.
Tell me you're not Mr.
Iglesias.
I'm not Mr.
Iglesias.
Uh [GASPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Jessica.
Gabe.
What are you doing here? [CHUCKLES.]
I'm Walt's mom.
- [GABE.]
Oh! - This is so great! It's just great.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God, it's happening.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, we should roll, Abby.
No! No, no, no, no! You guys should stay, you should stay.
[MOUTHING.]
Can't.
Places to go.
People to see.
Universes to explore.
So, Mr.
Iglesias.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- All right, now I know your last name.
Yeah, now I know yours, too.
Mom.
Hi.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So, Walt's up to his old tricks, huh? Yeah, um, he only really has one trick.
Supreme lack of effort on all fronts? - Ta-da! - [CHUCKLES.]
He gets that from his dad.
Although my ex focused his lack of effort mostly on our marriage.
Well, underneath, Walt's a really, really great kid, and I'm sure he gets that from his mom.
Mmm.
Eh, she's all right.
- How are you? - I'm single.
I mean, I'm single, but it doesn't mean, you know, anything, just I'm just letting you know, um [CHUCKLES.]
Let's talk about Walt.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um, well, he he told me that he picked on a classmate.
He feels really bad about it.
Great! Great, great.
Well, well, we're done.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wow, yeah, that was quick.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, you know.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right.
I guess I'll, uh, I'll just see you at the meetings.
Ah, um, about that, I'm gonna start going to the meetings in, uh, in Belmont because, uh, my mechanic my mechanic, he just moved his shop over there, and, uh, I drive a classic.
It's a real old car, you know.
I gotta go where he goes, or the car don't go, so you know.
- You get it, you know.
- Cool.
Yeah, that makes sense.
[CHUCKLES.]
Kinda.
Uh, well, we'll always have Walt.
Yeah.
Yeah, and the way he's going, for at least another six, seven years.
No.
Abby.
Thank you for turning me on to meditation.
Right? We keep seeking approval from others when we have all the love we need when we're alone.
Who said anything about being alone? Meditating.
It's a solitary practice.
Oh, not when you find a fine meditation teacher who doesn't mind having his ponytail used as a handle.
[GRUNTS.]
Hey, guys! What are you talking about? I bet it's not anything creepy or gross.
We're talking about feelings.
So it's pretty creepy and gross.
Look, she drops into your lap at your meetings and then shows up in your classroom? Abby's right.
The universe is talking to you.
No, Gabe.
The universe is yelling at you.
Why? I didn't do anything to it! It's saying, "Go to her!" At first, she'll be scared, but then she'll fall into your arms and you'll ride off into the sky in a convertible, like John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John.
Wow, Olivia was in for a very big disappointment when they got to where they were going.
Paula, I just picked out the exact spot in our trophy case for when we win the title.
Girls Cross-Country does not deserve that prime real estate.
Anything for you, Coach.
Ha! Bling, bling, shine bright like a diamond! Okurrr! Okurrr! [CHUCKLES.]
Mm.
[SIGHS.]
Just came to get a cup of coffee.
I like my coffee like I like my running backs Come on.
What? Strong! Shame on you for thinking anything else.
You know, I really appreciate the all-out blitz you unleashed in my classroom.
Yeah, Rakeem said he's having a good time.
He's not learning anything.
That's probably why he's having a good time.
Well, Coach, unfortunately, the good time's about to end, because he just turned in a paper, and it still had "Wikipedia" on it.
That's unacceptable.
Got it.
Next time I'll tell him, "Take off the 'Wikipedia.
'" [SCOFFS.]
Gabe, when are you gonna ask out Walt's mom? When she stops being Walt's mom.
Hey, Paula, isn't there some policy against faculty dating parents? It's in that binder full of stuff I refuse to read, because I need plausible deniability.
I say go for it.
You're all against me, huh? No, Gabe.
We're all for you.
Taking a chance on love.
And smashing.
Look, guys, the universe isn't Tinkerbell making all of your dreams come true.
It's more like the chupacabra.
And he's hiding in your back seat, and you think everything's going great.
You're driving down that highway, and all of a sudden, [SCREAMS.]
"It's got my face! It's got my face! The bridge is out! The bridge is out!" And then it's a race against time to see if you can get out of the car before it sinks.
I like my universe better.
Yeah, I took Abby's advice, Gabe.
Trust me, the Earth moved.
Look, I know it's dangerous and it feels like you can drown, but if there's one guy that can take that chupacabra by the horns, it's you.
So you think I should? Jessica seems worth it.
She does, doesn't she? [CHUCKLES.]
You're gonna make it outta that car, bro.
Kick out the windshield! Swim, Gabe, swim! - Jessica.
- Oh, hey, stranger.
You're a long way from Belmont.
Yeah, I know.
I stopped going over there.
Turns out my mechanic moved over there to get away from me.
- What? - Yeah.
Can you believe that? To go to all that trouble to not see someone.
- Huh.
- [SIGHS.]
The truth is, uh, I I've been going over there to avoid seeing you.
And you came here to tell me that? Mm-hmm.
Oh, baby, you suck at avoiding people.
I know.
I'm not good at it.
[CHUCKLES.]
I should've been honest with you.
Well, why would you be avoiding me? I had a slip, and it was an accident, but all I could think of was just How good and right it felt taking that first drink? - Yes.
- Yup, been there, rode that horse.
- Mm.
- Fell off that horse.
Literally.
I got so drunk, I thought I could ride a horse.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You know, I was in there, and I was talking about how weak I was and how vulnerable I felt, and then you walked in, and the only thing I was worried about was making sure you didn't see me that way.
Ah.
That is so messed up.
I mean, you know, not the part where you said you liked me, but just, the part where you didn't want to come here, and lean on us, you know, share you're just as human as the rest of us.
Wait, when did I say I liked you? It's It's pretty clear.
So, um So now what? Well Well, I was about to go in there and share how I met this incredible guy this year.
But of course, because it's me, it's gotta be complicated and messy.
If we ever get his and her towels, you can be "complicated," and I'll be "messy.
" [CHUCKLES.]
I'm sorry, was that too forward? What, are you kidding me? I went on a first date with a guy who asked me for a kidney.
- Kidney? - [SCOFFS.]
- That sounds more like a third date.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, I guess we're all just a bunch of broken toys.
Well You know, what actually made me think I wasn't out of my mind is my son thinks this guy is pretty special too.
- Sharp kid.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
You might want to ignore that progress report that's in the mail.
So, I dunno what I'm gonna do.
'Cause trust me, no one's no one's made me feel like this in a really long time.
Wow.
Well, whoever this guy is, I hope he doesn't ask you out before I get my one-year chip in four months and 11 days.
- But who's keeping track? - [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I like that idea.
[SIGHS.]
God, this is so crazy.
You know? If we were sharing a bottle of vodka right now, I would've already jumped your bones.
Well, thank God we're sober! [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
I get that.
That's why I'm only asking for two.
Dude What? I just saved you 300 bucks! Who are you, Geico? I thought we were bros.
How is you being a bad gambler making me a bad friend? Hey, Tony! You wanna win a bet? - Put your money on Wilson this week.
- Really? You got some inside info? Hello? You know why we call him Coach Dixon? 'Cause he's the coach.
Yeah, and this year I'm coaching Rakeem "The Rocket" Rozier.
Believe me, our opening ass-kicking against Millikan High was no fluke.
You heard him, bro.
It's easy money.
Come on, front me the dough, and we'll split the winnings.
You both clearly have a problem.
Okay? First of all, you haven't had a winning season in five years.
And you're thinking about betting on a coach who hasn't had a winning season in five years! You know the difference between a football coach and a history teacher? - Hmm? - A history teacher never has a winning season.
- What do you mean? - Twenty years from now, none of your kids remember a damn thing you taught 'em.
My kids will remember their blocking assignments for the rest of their lives.
- Yeah.
- You know, for someone who says that football's more important than academics, you'd think you'd win a few more games.
Well, I will as long as you pointy-heads stop treating my guy, The Rocket, unfairly.
What do you mean "unfairly"? Ms.
Spencer, she's got that poor kid doing homework during game weeks! They're all game weeks.
I know.
She's a tyrant.
Morning, fellas.
- Hey.
- So, are you gonna continue that winning streak - on Friday, Coach? - [CHUCKLES.]
One in a row is not a streak.
I'll do better than that! [CHUCKLES.]
As long as you take care of my team, I'll put something shiny in that trophy case for ya.
Ah! Oh, anything for you, Coach.
Mama loves her bling.
Oh! - [CHUCKLES.]
- Good morning, everybody.
Fall means roasted pumpkin seeds.
Don't let her fool you.
She's the world's biggest hardass.
He's talking about the old Abby.
I'm actually mellowing out.
Oh! Tell me your secret.
Oh, she doesn't keep it secret.
I can hear the chanting in my apartment.
Well, if you'd join me in meditation, you'd see how the universe would open up to you.
If you'd join me at the drive-through, you'd see that that universe is already open.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't know, Gabe.
When I look at someone as young and vital as Abby, and I process my own bitterness, I think she's living right.
Talk to me, girl.
Well, it's all about letting go.
Trust me, baby.
I'm hanging on for dear life.
So, where are we on that loan? Bro, you need to stop gambling.
Look, I'm going to my AA meeting tonight, and Gamblers Anonymous is right down the hall.
You should go with me.
Gamblers Anonymous? That's just for people who are on a cold streak.
Seriously, man, the meetings help.
I haven't had a drop of booze in eight months.
Not even a rum raisin.
And you're doing great.
We should go celebrate by Wait, what do people who can't have fun do? Go-kart, petting zoo, Chuck E.
Cheese? You mock me, but you had a great time at that petting zoo.
I did.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias And that brings us to Prohibition, Captain Morgan's least favorite amendment.
Yo, I told you Captain Morgan was a real guy.
Bro, I believed you then, and I believe you now.
Okay, well, let's talk about some dark days in American history.
Wait, there were bright ones? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, America, you just got owned! Yeah, the, uh, 18th amendment.
Ah, sure, keeping the whole country sober sounded like a great idea, but you know who disagreed? The whole country.
Yeah.
Mike's Hard Lemonade would just be lemonade.
Both delicious I've heard.
Hey, if you have money for hard lemonade, how about you pay me back? I can't.
I don't have a job.
Nobody's hiring.
Marisol has three jobs.
Yo, she probably took your job.
Yeah, Marisol's one of the good ones.
Oh, here we go.
One of the good whats, Coach Dixon? One of the good students.
Shame on you for thinking anything else.
I think we were all thinking something else.
We're getting familiar with you.
All right, listen up.
Now someone who needs no introduction: a five-foot, ten-inch end-zone-seeking missile, please welcome Rakeem "The Rocket" Rozier! Hey, baby.
I'mma holla at you later, 'aight? [SIGHS.]
What's up? [DIXON CHUCKLES.]
[RAKEEM GRUNTS.]
The Rocket is here? Oh, he's even more impressive in person! You've only seen him in person.
We go to high school with him.
And now, he's in your class.
You're welcome.
Hey, hey, wait, wait.
No, no, he's not.
Well, sure he is.
You, me, and Principal Madison talked about it.
I clearly heard her tell you, "Make sure he gets an A.
" What? You know, whatever you say, Coach.
As long as he earns the A.
Well, now that I've freed him from the clutches of the Dark Lord Ms.
Spencer, you've got a student averaging eight and a half yards per carry.
Uh, it's actually 8.
9 yards a carry, 4.
6 after contact.
Wow! I did not know your people liked football.
Hey, hey, hey, come on.
What? Her people: nerds.
Better, but not okay.
It's all right, Mr.
Iglesias.
I'm not sensitive.
I haven't had five straight losing seasons.
Well, our losing days are over, thanks to our soon-to-be honor roll student.
In this class, we aren't given our grades.
We earn them.
No matter how much we offer to pay Mr.
Iglesias.
You offered a dollar.
[CHUCKLES.]
It was It was an opening offer.
Rakeem's gonna more than earn his keep here by what he does on the field.
Alrighty.
Good talk.
Welcome aboard, Rakeem.
Uh, before we continue, here in my class, we like to focus on two main rules, okay? "Work hard and be nice.
" Ah! Coach Dixon also has two rules: don't get hurt and, uh, don't get caught.
[CHUCKLES.]
But does he have a sign? You know what? I'm glad to be here.
Heard you good people, big man.
Ah, excuse me.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- [SIGHS.]
- You know [CLICKS TONGUE.]
I can't help but feel like I'm not getting his full attention.
Hey! What the hell, man? Look, okay, a person in no way connected to USC gave those to me, a'ight? Beats by Tre? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, they got these at the Santa Fe Springs Swap Meet.
What are you looking at, man? I feel like I'm in a good place right now.
Today, this dick dumped a problem on me, and I dealt with it okay.
A year ago, I probably would've drank a bottle of tequila and made love to an ATM machine.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Still sucks that that machine never called back.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Thanks for letting me share, you guys.
Whoo! Yeah! What happened? How come you're not over at Gamblers Anonymous? Dude, there are literally zero ladies in that meeting.
I guess women don't have gambling problems.
They do have gambling problems.
Their problem is they bet on men.
Gabe.
Hey.
You were such an amazing speaker.
I mean, let's face it, a lot of the sharers in here are a trail of tears.
But yours always make me smile.
Thank you.
You know, there is a trail of tears in there, but they're hiding behind these dimples.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
No, you just have this way of talking about how great you're doing, and I don't hate myself.
- Hmm.
- Kinda learned that from me.
Hi.
Tony.
No drinking problem, unless I don't have a drink.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
Read the room.
You know, I think it's great you bring your little foster kid to meetings.
Fine.
I'm gonna go get a cookie, almost Dad.
Don't ruin your appetite, mijo.
[CHUCKLES, SIGHS.]
You know, I am always looking for speakers for Friday night's meeting.
- Gimme your phone.
- Oh, yeah.
I'll just put my number in it, and that way, we can keep in touch.
Okay, be careful, 'cause I'm in the middle of a Duolingo lesson.
Trying to learn Russian, you know? [CHUCKLES.]
Just in case.
Okay, I'll see you next week.
Dasvidania, comrade.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Hey, since you're speaking Russian now, why don't you quit "Stalin" and "Put-it" in her? Jessica's a friend, bro.
And And even if I was interested, which I'm totally not can't.
Why not? Because during the first year of recovery, there are certain guidelines.
You have to go to 90 meetings in 90 days.
I've been to three faculty meetings in 11 years, and it was too many.
[CHUCKLES.]
Also, you're not supposed to enter into any new relationships because if it doesn't work out, you might go to your crazy ex, you know? Jose Cuervo.
You haven't had sex in eight months? Hey, man, when's the last time you had sex? Hey, we're talkin' about you, bro! Oh, hey, Abby, I checked out that meditation center.
[GASPS.]
Good for you! Welcome to radical wellness.
- I always feel so tingly when I chant.
- [PAULA.]
Oh.
Me, too.
Oh, my chakras are still tingling, and my tingles is still chakra-ing.
That's very advanced.
You must be a natural.
Oh, I'm a natural woman, like Aretha Franklin, Queen of Soul.
Respect.
Oh, hey.
Guess what? Some hot alchy wants a ticket to ride the G train.
- The G is Gabe, and the train is - They get it, bro.
They get it.
I was being nice.
Look, she could have any of those boozehounds, but she chose you.
She didn't choose me.
And like I said, man, I'm not allowed to date her even if I wanted to.
Gabe, I am so proud of you for engaging in self-care.
When you lean into the rules of the universe, the universe bestows its many gifts.
Namaste.
What does that even mean? That's white girl talk for "hit that.
" There he is! Iglesias, get up here, man! What? How ya doin', bro? Boom shakalaka! [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, thanks so much for taking care of Rakeem.
Bit of an update: he's not doing great in biology.
Can you give him two As in your class? I don't know.
Should I? Shouldn't I? No.
Hah.
So what else is going on in Gabe World? I'm glad you asked.
Actually, I'm Okay, good catching up.
Paula, I know we all wanna win, but how can you be okay with that? Because the only thing missing from our résumé is a football title.
Oh, you can totally put that on your résumé.
Nobody checks those things.
Gabe, you were the one who said, "No child should be left behind.
" That should include Rakeem, a student so fast, he leaves the other team behind.
Thanks for the support, boss.
Mm-hmm.
[IN ITALIAN ACCENT.]
Hey, paisano! What're you doing? The peppers are the best part of the sandwich, eh? What? My sandwich, my business.
Ah, come on.
What's the matter? Too spicy for my Latino bambino, eh? I got a very sensitive palate.
I don't gotta prove anything to you.
It's just peppers, man.
Mm.
[CHOKES.]
[TONY LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I bet you wish you could [IN ITALIAN ACCENT.]
forget about it! [CONTINUES COUGHING.]
Oh, forget about it.
Forget about it.
[GABE.]
Mm.
[GASPS.]
I haven't tasted that in eight months.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
What? - There's booze in this.
No way.
[SNIFFS.]
[SMACKS LIPS.]
Oh, yeah, that's booze, all right.
I think we may have figured out why Coach hasn't had a winning season in five years.
Just a word of advice, if a grown man in dress sweats has a large travel mug, don't drink from it.
See, this lady knows what I'm talking about, right? - [MOUTHS.]
- [GABE.]
Yeah, you know? And sure, the slip was an honest mistake, but the problem is how good it tasted.
Oh! That warm feeling when it hits your chest.
That "pain go bye-bye" feeling.
It - Uh - [MOUTHING.]
The good news is I'm doing great.
I'm doin' doin' fantastic, you know? I can't believe I'm doing so great, I just bought a boat.
[CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY.]
Yeah, all aboard! [CHUCKLES.]
[IMITATES BOAT HORN.]
Thanks for letting me share.
[GABE SIGHS.]
[MAN.]
Okay, hey, I'd like to thank Gabe for coming up to speak.
I'm sure you enjoyed that.
Okay, a couple of announcements [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Bro, what is wrong with you? Dude, I don't know, man.
It's like, I went up there, and I was talking about having a drink, and then she came in, and I was all like, "Ugh.
" I didn't want her to see me vulnerable, you know, bro? So then, when I saw her and I finally did start to speak, I sounded like I was going through puberty.
I was like [VOICE CRACKING.]
"Oh, hi! Everything great? How are you?" - I knew it.
You do like her.
- Yeah.
Glad you're caught up, bro.
Iglesias.
First of all, I want to apologize.
I heard you drank a little of the coach's apple juice.
Uh, yeah, I didn't taste a hint of honeycrisp.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah, what kind of a degenerate are you? And how much should I bet on Wilson this week? [CHUCKLES.]
I can explain.
I'm fighting an infection, - and that was a prescription.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh? So your doctor prescribed Malibu rum? Well, he's more of a healer than a doctor, but yeah.
Yep.
Uh, you know what? It's cool, man.
Apology accepted.
What? I never apologized.
Oh, my bad.
When you said, "First of all, I want to apologize," I kind of took that as an apology.
Wow, some people just hear what they want to hear.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, like, "Sure, drop your player off in my class.
I'm cool with it.
" Bingo! You're my guy.
[BELL RINGS.]
Hey, so what're you gonna do about Jess the hot mess? Oh, sorry.
[WHISPERS.]
Anonymous the hot mess.
I don't know, bro.
I guess I'm gonna do what any reasonable person would do.
Gonna start going to different meetings in a different part of town, where I'll never run into her again, so I can die sober and alone.
[SIGHS.]
Good morning, history class! [WHOOPS.]
It's a great day to be alive, right? Hey, man.
I'll holla at you later.
What's up? What's up, Suge White? Nothing like a bunch of fresh faces I don't have to bare my soul to.
You know, a man's soul is his own thing.
It's private.
So back off, Amazon! I bought these kicks 'cause I wanted to, not 'cause you told me to! - [GRACE.]
I have a question.
- Go ahead, Grace.
Why doesn't Coach just let you take direct snaps? We all know you're getting the ball.
I don't know why I thought the question was for me.
Good looking out, Grace.
I mean, you might see some wildcat formation against Lakewood.
You are a cutie.
My family calls me a wildcat.
You know, 'cause I can sleep anywhere, and I bathe with very little water.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
And do you think they're complimenting you? [CHUCKLES.]
Focus, wildcat.
Mikey.
Mikey, man, you're so soft.
I bet you cried at the end of Toy Story 3.
[STUDENTS LAUGH.]
He did.
I was there.
Oh! Hey, come on.
Settle down, you guys.
Andy was going away to college! Something you'll never do.
[STUDENTS.]
Oh! Walt, you are not the guy in this class who can make that joke.
Yeah, okay, I don't think I'm the only one with a crush.
I mean I mean, I don't I don't have a crush.
[WHINES.]
Shut up, Mikey.
You're always talking about - No! Wait! - You shut up! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Freakin' back off.
She's mine.
Remember, "work hard and be nice"? Walt, I cut you slack on the first part 'cause you've always been so good at the second.
I'm really disappointed.
Rakeem started it.
Rakeem just got here.
He doesn't even know he's here.
You've been staring at that sign all year.
I expect more from you.
That's really on you, then.
Well, that's it.
I'll discuss this with your parents who I need to see after school.
Parents? If If my dad shows up, text me.
I'd love to see him.
Probably with my dad.
Running free somewhere on a farm where all dads go when they say, "I'll be right back.
" I hope we beat Lakewood Friday.
Or at least beat the spread.
Ah, yeah, nothing like putting your hard-earned paycheck in the hands of hormonal teens.
That's what I call living.
Tony, if the universe wants you to win your bet, you'll win your bet.
Will the universe bring me my long-legged beauty I deserve? Well, the universe has its limitations.
Uh, hi, I'm looking for Oh, God.
Tell me you're not Mr.
Iglesias.
I'm not Mr.
Iglesias.
Uh [GASPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Jessica.
Gabe.
What are you doing here? [CHUCKLES.]
I'm Walt's mom.
- [GABE.]
Oh! - This is so great! It's just great.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God, it's happening.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, we should roll, Abby.
No! No, no, no, no! You guys should stay, you should stay.
[MOUTHING.]
Can't.
Places to go.
People to see.
Universes to explore.
So, Mr.
Iglesias.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- All right, now I know your last name.
Yeah, now I know yours, too.
Mom.
Hi.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So, Walt's up to his old tricks, huh? Yeah, um, he only really has one trick.
Supreme lack of effort on all fronts? - Ta-da! - [CHUCKLES.]
He gets that from his dad.
Although my ex focused his lack of effort mostly on our marriage.
Well, underneath, Walt's a really, really great kid, and I'm sure he gets that from his mom.
Mmm.
Eh, she's all right.
- How are you? - I'm single.
I mean, I'm single, but it doesn't mean, you know, anything, just I'm just letting you know, um [CHUCKLES.]
Let's talk about Walt.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um, well, he he told me that he picked on a classmate.
He feels really bad about it.
Great! Great, great.
Well, well, we're done.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wow, yeah, that was quick.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, you know.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right.
I guess I'll, uh, I'll just see you at the meetings.
Ah, um, about that, I'm gonna start going to the meetings in, uh, in Belmont because, uh, my mechanic my mechanic, he just moved his shop over there, and, uh, I drive a classic.
It's a real old car, you know.
I gotta go where he goes, or the car don't go, so you know.
- You get it, you know.
- Cool.
Yeah, that makes sense.
[CHUCKLES.]
Kinda.
Uh, well, we'll always have Walt.
Yeah.
Yeah, and the way he's going, for at least another six, seven years.
No.
Abby.
Thank you for turning me on to meditation.
Right? We keep seeking approval from others when we have all the love we need when we're alone.
Who said anything about being alone? Meditating.
It's a solitary practice.
Oh, not when you find a fine meditation teacher who doesn't mind having his ponytail used as a handle.
[GRUNTS.]
Hey, guys! What are you talking about? I bet it's not anything creepy or gross.
We're talking about feelings.
So it's pretty creepy and gross.
Look, she drops into your lap at your meetings and then shows up in your classroom? Abby's right.
The universe is talking to you.
No, Gabe.
The universe is yelling at you.
Why? I didn't do anything to it! It's saying, "Go to her!" At first, she'll be scared, but then she'll fall into your arms and you'll ride off into the sky in a convertible, like John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John.
Wow, Olivia was in for a very big disappointment when they got to where they were going.
Paula, I just picked out the exact spot in our trophy case for when we win the title.
Girls Cross-Country does not deserve that prime real estate.
Anything for you, Coach.
Ha! Bling, bling, shine bright like a diamond! Okurrr! Okurrr! [CHUCKLES.]
Mm.
[SIGHS.]
Just came to get a cup of coffee.
I like my coffee like I like my running backs Come on.
What? Strong! Shame on you for thinking anything else.
You know, I really appreciate the all-out blitz you unleashed in my classroom.
Yeah, Rakeem said he's having a good time.
He's not learning anything.
That's probably why he's having a good time.
Well, Coach, unfortunately, the good time's about to end, because he just turned in a paper, and it still had "Wikipedia" on it.
That's unacceptable.
Got it.
Next time I'll tell him, "Take off the 'Wikipedia.
'" [SCOFFS.]
Gabe, when are you gonna ask out Walt's mom? When she stops being Walt's mom.
Hey, Paula, isn't there some policy against faculty dating parents? It's in that binder full of stuff I refuse to read, because I need plausible deniability.
I say go for it.
You're all against me, huh? No, Gabe.
We're all for you.
Taking a chance on love.
And smashing.
Look, guys, the universe isn't Tinkerbell making all of your dreams come true.
It's more like the chupacabra.
And he's hiding in your back seat, and you think everything's going great.
You're driving down that highway, and all of a sudden, [SCREAMS.]
"It's got my face! It's got my face! The bridge is out! The bridge is out!" And then it's a race against time to see if you can get out of the car before it sinks.
I like my universe better.
Yeah, I took Abby's advice, Gabe.
Trust me, the Earth moved.
Look, I know it's dangerous and it feels like you can drown, but if there's one guy that can take that chupacabra by the horns, it's you.
So you think I should? Jessica seems worth it.
She does, doesn't she? [CHUCKLES.]
You're gonna make it outta that car, bro.
Kick out the windshield! Swim, Gabe, swim! - Jessica.
- Oh, hey, stranger.
You're a long way from Belmont.
Yeah, I know.
I stopped going over there.
Turns out my mechanic moved over there to get away from me.
- What? - Yeah.
Can you believe that? To go to all that trouble to not see someone.
- Huh.
- [SIGHS.]
The truth is, uh, I I've been going over there to avoid seeing you.
And you came here to tell me that? Mm-hmm.
Oh, baby, you suck at avoiding people.
I know.
I'm not good at it.
[CHUCKLES.]
I should've been honest with you.
Well, why would you be avoiding me? I had a slip, and it was an accident, but all I could think of was just How good and right it felt taking that first drink? - Yes.
- Yup, been there, rode that horse.
- Mm.
- Fell off that horse.
Literally.
I got so drunk, I thought I could ride a horse.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You know, I was in there, and I was talking about how weak I was and how vulnerable I felt, and then you walked in, and the only thing I was worried about was making sure you didn't see me that way.
Ah.
That is so messed up.
I mean, you know, not the part where you said you liked me, but just, the part where you didn't want to come here, and lean on us, you know, share you're just as human as the rest of us.
Wait, when did I say I liked you? It's It's pretty clear.
So, um So now what? Well Well, I was about to go in there and share how I met this incredible guy this year.
But of course, because it's me, it's gotta be complicated and messy.
If we ever get his and her towels, you can be "complicated," and I'll be "messy.
" [CHUCKLES.]
I'm sorry, was that too forward? What, are you kidding me? I went on a first date with a guy who asked me for a kidney.
- Kidney? - [SCOFFS.]
- That sounds more like a third date.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, I guess we're all just a bunch of broken toys.
Well You know, what actually made me think I wasn't out of my mind is my son thinks this guy is pretty special too.
- Sharp kid.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
You might want to ignore that progress report that's in the mail.
So, I dunno what I'm gonna do.
'Cause trust me, no one's no one's made me feel like this in a really long time.
Wow.
Well, whoever this guy is, I hope he doesn't ask you out before I get my one-year chip in four months and 11 days.
- But who's keeping track? - [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I like that idea.
[SIGHS.]
God, this is so crazy.
You know? If we were sharing a bottle of vodka right now, I would've already jumped your bones.
Well, thank God we're sober! [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]