Mr. Mayor (2021) s01e04 Episode Script
The SAC
1
Alexa, what's the temperature
in Sacramento?
The weather today in Sacramento is sunny
with a forecasted high of 71 degrees.
That's my capital city.
Alexa, play a song about Sacramento, California.
I'm sorry.
I don't know any songs about Sacramento, California.
Whoa.
Then let's make one up.
I'm packing for the Sac' Sweet Sacramento There's no takin' it back Do me right, Sacramento Hooo, yeah - Alexa, what's the population - Sorry, Arpi.
I really need to get my kids' breakfast now.
Of course.
Sorry, Alexa.
I'm just excited 'cause I'm going to Sacramento.
I know.
Jeez.
[bright music.]
The parks department finally cleaned the bat guano off the Hollywood sign and returned it to its original orange color.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Good morning, Mr.
Mayor.
How was your weekend? Oh, I had a fantastic weekend with Orly.
We went to Huntington Gardens for the honey festival.
So nice.
Okay.
Where was I? They have this thing where you get to decorate a little tote bag, and then you get to keep the tote bag.
- Your life is a movie, sir.
- Next item.
This is a heat map of violent crimes and - Sir, you're AirPlaying your phone.
- I know.
I want to show everybody a picture of the tote bag.
Ooh, a bee apartment.
Okay, uh, other items while we wait.
Deputy Mayor Meskimen and Mr.
Kwapis will be driving up to Sacramento to present our anti-oil-drilling initiative.
Los Angeles has over a thousand drilling sites, many within a hundred yards of schools and homes.
I was pleasantly shocked when Mayor Bremer agreed with my plan Oil's dumb.
We're California.
We should be leading the way on this stuff.
Solar power, wind, fire power Is that a thing? 'Cause fires we got.
If I can convince the governor to prioritize the health of our communities Oh, there it is.
[chuckles.]
Tote bag.
Oh, she is majestic.
- [laughs.]
- [phone rings.]
Wait, what's happening? - I think your daughter's school is calling.
- It's a phone call, sir.
Oh, yeah.
Hello? We'll have to turn your phone off AirPlay, sir.
Well, the screen is the phone now.
Hello? Mayor Bremer here.
Hello? Can you hear the mayor? Suspended? That doesn't sound like Orly.
All right.
I'll be right there.
Sir? - Sir, quick question.
- Not now, Jayden.
I'm scared to be in a car with Ms.
Meskimen.
You'll be fine.
But the trip is six hours, sir, and I don't know what we're gonna talk about.
Jayden, how am I the one you're asking about this? You're the only one I can walk as fast as.
Ask her questions about herself.
People love talking about themselves.
Great.
What kind of questions? I don't know.
Icebreakers.
Conversation starters.
You know.
Google it, for crying out loud.
Will do.
And somebody turned on the long legs.
[panting.]
Here at Gregory, we take online behavior as seriously as we do sock height.
And it seems Orly is part of a group that was using social media to bully a teacher.
Can children bully adults? 'Cause in my day, teachers could hit us with a closed fist.
Allow me to read a few of the offending comments.
"Ms.
Adams is like if the water at the top of a yogurt were a person.
" "Ms.
Adams took a DNA test.
Turns out she is 100% russet potato.
" [laughs.]
Like the song.
No, of course.
That's that is terrible.
But my posts are all defending Ms.
Adams.
Guys, stop.
I think it's feminist that she dances alone at our formals.
You're wrong.
It's so brave that she brought her gerbils on Family Day.
If Ms.
Adams were a man, society would praise her for having a front bulge in her pants.
That's enough, Orly.
Sorry, Ms.
Adams.
You're Ms.
Adams? Is what I tell people, 'cause I know that.
Look, Ms.
Adams, Orly was just being kind.
Don't you think the other girls are to blame here? Fair enough.
Orly, you are not suspended.
[sighs.]
Thank you, Ms.
Adams.
Yes, thank you, Ms.
Adams, and can I just say, I love what you're doing with the white stripe.
- Don't.
- Oh, yes.
I was touched by a ghost.
Yep.
Well, uh, goodbye.
I knew I didn't have to worry about you.
You're a good kid.
Proud of you.
Since I'm such a good kid, can I have money to go to the movies with Ceviche later? [chuckles.]
What are you guys seeing? "Stab Massacre 2.
" "Stab Massacre 2?" No way.
Scary movies give you nightmares.
You remember when that guy in front of you on the plane was watching "It" and then we had to cancel your birthday party? - Come on.
- Okay, fine.
But I'm keeping the hundo.
[smooches.]
Just like her mother.
Sorry I don't have a radio.
It got stolen by the guys that live in my car at night.
It's fine.
I got a lot on my mind.
So I'm making coffee.
Would you like some? What's that now? I mean, what is your dream day? Honestly? This.
Taking an important issue to the governor, serving my constituency.
Now, normally, the deputy mayor would not be dispatched to do a job this big, so either the mayor does not know this, or else he's giving me rope to hang myself.
Tomorrow will either be the greatest or worst day of my life.
What's your favorite salty food? Bran flakes.
They have more sodium than you think.
What do you value most in a friendship? Mutual respect.
Sacrifice.
Similar milk preferences.
Wow, you give all of your answers so fast.
I think it's important to know your stance on everything.
Well, I got the best kid in all of Los Angeles.
That's great, sir.
We have a budget meeting in two minutes.
A bunch of girls were making fun of a potato teacher on Instagram media, but Orly was saying nice things in her postings.
Huh, I follow Orly on Instagram, and she hasn't posted anything about any teachers.
- Really? - Hm.
Sir, did you happen to catch the screen name on her post? By the circle, sir.
Something with a P.
I don't The account she gave me is OrlyBGrammin.
- She has a finsta.
- What's a finsta? It's just an account that kids make under a fake name so they can post silly things they don't want their parents to see.
I wanna see it.
Tell her to let me see it.
Bad idea, sir.
A little separation is healthy.
Orly and I don't have secrets.
I read her the American Girl Doll puberty book.
So gross, but I did it.
When she told me her celebrity crush, I stood with her in the front row of a Shawn Mendes concert.
Everyone thought I was a pedophile.
I know, but we really have to figure out this budget, sir.
Apparently, the city's Discover card has hit its limit, and some bitch is calling, like, every day.
Don't listen to her, Mr.
Mayor.
Finstas ruin lives.
My sister's cousin had a finsta, and pictures of her in her bra got turned into a devastating meme about sadness.
How's your sister's cousin not also your cousin? Sir, you're missing the point.
You need to know what Orly's posting before she embarrasses the city.
So true.
For the city.
If you want me to hack your daughter's finsta, say nothing and just be, like, so tall and leave.
[sly music.]
If you could have a dinner party with anyone, living or dead Eleanor Roosevelt, her girlfriend, Lorena Hickok, and Wayne Brady, 'cause he just cracks me up.
[chuckles.]
What is your fondest memory? Seeing a bachelorette party fall off a haunted hayride.
What's your greatest fear? Holes.
Clusters of holes.
- What? - It's called trypophobia.
Basically, when I see a cut-open pomegranate or an empty Connect Four grid, to my mind, it looks like diseased flesh.
I almost fainted today when Neil showed that honeycomb.
- [tense music.]
- Ooh, a bee apartment.
I was feeling so good till then.
You think Bremer did that to mess with me? He could have access to my psychological evaluation.
What? No.
Are you crazy? Showed you a bunch of holes? Just a bunch of close-together holes? - Talk about something else.
- Okay.
Would you like to make eye contact for four minutes? Sure.
You're starting to drift into the oncoming lane.
- Yep.
- [car horns blaring.]
I told Mikaela I had to step out to take an important call.
What? My handyman is dead? How's it going? Okay, so I cross-referenced Orly's public profile with her friends and who they follow, then narrowed it down to just the privates.
@MzAdamsIzGross.
@SpudHag.
@PearlSquirrel05.
That's Orly.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Her middle name is Pearl, she was born in 2005, and her Harry Potter animal's a squirrel.
Man, I feel like an NCIS.
Great.
Okay.
So our next step is to make our own fake account so that we can get in with these girls.
What should her name be? Nancy.
No one under 60 is named Nancy.
- Aisha.
- Stay in your lane, sir.
Caswell.
Renness.
I'm not a writer.
Kyla.
No, Kylus.
Great.
So, Emma.
Let's do this.
[jaunty music.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
My God.
It looks like legs.
I don't know what's real anymore.
Is "Sports Illustrated" Swimsuit Edition just toilet hot dogs? So now Emma DMs @PearlSquirrel05, and we wait.
My world is upside down, and honestly, it's thrilling.
And here's your key, ma'am.
Jayden, thank you for your conversation in the car.
You really distracted me from my nerves about tomorrow.
You are super welky.
It was a pleasure breaking ice with you.
Hey.
You wanna meet up in a little bit and maybe get some dinner and take the "Lady Bird" walking tour? As long as it's not as scary as the movie.
Wow.
You're not gonna believe it, but just this morning, that lady and I barely knew each other.
But now I know that her biggest regret in life is that she accidentally clapped when the "Challenger" exploded.
And it's all because of these icebreakers I downloaded.
Where'd you get 'em? I'm always looking for new ways to seem normal.
I just searched icebreakers, and I found 78Questions.
com.
"The 78 questions you ask someone when you want to fall in love.
" [laughs.]
Oh, no.
Oh, boy.
[knocking on door.]
Hey.
You ready to hit the Sac'? Okay.
We need to talk.
I know that it got heavy in the car, but, ma'am, don't fall in love with me.
What? I just found out that those questions were designed to make people fall in love, and when you shared with me that your ideal man was '80s James Brolin, frankly, I got worried.
We are not in love, Mr.
Kwapis.
And you, sir, are no "Amityville Horror" James Brolin.
Technically, that's '79, but whatever.
Cool.
It's just that I think that we are better off as really good friends.
We're not even friends.
Friends have a shorthand.
Friends make sacrifices for each other and have a deep understanding.
I don't think we're understanding each other at all in this moment, do you? I mean, sure, I could eat.
Sir, we're in.
Orly accepted Emma's request.
What are you finding? Vapes? Tattoos? It's actually mostly just selfies.
What I'm looking for is red flag slang in the captions.
So, smash means hooking up.
Dexing is abusing cough syrup.
GOW is gay on the weekend.
Seven 8s in a row is a human centipede.
What what's boron? Is that a drug? She said she's finally done with this boron nightmare.
I think she's just bragging about finishing her chemistry project early.
- What's TFW? - "That feeling when.
" That feeling when your dad drags you to Huntington Gardens for the millionth time.
But why is it a picture of a sloth giving the middle finger? She loves it when I take her there.
Mr.
Mayor, I'm sorry about your handyman, but wait.
Why did you slam your laptop shut when I came in? What? We're studying.
Are you on Instagram? Tommy felt it was important to access Orly's private account for security reasons.
So we are Emma, a junior at Marlborough.
We do orchestra.
We're confident, but not cocky.
You helped the mayor create a fake account impersonating a teenage girl? Where did you get this profile picture? We Googled "cute high school field hockey blonde.
" From government servers? Well, when you say it like that Also, do you know what "squat" means now? Because tangerine seltzer squats, but also somehow HPV squats.
Look, this is all my fault.
Orly is just acting out because I uprooted her life with this mayor thing.
I'm working crazy hours.
I forced her to move into an old house that's outside Sugarfish's delivery zone.
I just need to reconnect on her level.
[upbeat music.]
And Emma showed me how to do that.
I am gonna go home and have dinner with her tonight.
- I'll be back later.
- [sighs.]
Great work today, Tommy.
How's that decision memo on SROs coming? [sighs.]
I don't wanna go back to being Tommy.
Emma gets to go to a Glossier pop-up tonight even though there's school tomorrow.
- [sighs.]
- [door slams.]
So, what's Gucci, fam? [chuckles.]
Any VSCO girls stress you about cheddar? What? No.
Perf.
Dad, don't say perf.
Mmm.
TFW.
That feeling when these tacos squat.
You up? Dad, are you okay? What's your middle name? What year do you think this is? I'm mad fine.
That just means you're handsome.
Well, I am handsome.
- Who you texting? - No one.
Look, salt bae, I know I haven't been around as much as you're used to.
#MayorLife.
But you can always tell me anything.
I know.
I just don't want us to lose our connection.
We're not basic.
We don't have secrets IRL.
Name a more iconic duo.
I'll wait.
- Okay, Dad, stop talking like that.
- Okay.
Wanna watch TV together later? "Cake Boss" and chill at 10:00? "And chill" means sex.
- BOTH: Eww.
- And I can't tonight.
Ceviche's coming over to finish our chemistry project.
We're making a papier-mâché of the element boron, so it's gonna take forever.
Okay.
She lied to me.
My baby lied to me.
We know she already finished that science project.
Where's Mikaela? Has anyone seen my chief of staff? She went home because of violent cramps.
She said you would not ask a follow-up.
She is correct.
Refresh, refresh.
No new posts since yesterday.
I don't get it.
We were connecting.
I was being cool AF cool as Fonzie - and she lied to my face.
- [cell phone buzzes.]
Orly just DMed Emma.
"Mayor working late.
Gorge Borge at Getty House.
" What the hell's a Gorge Borge? According to Urban Dictionary, Gorge Borge, noun, originated in Amsterdam during the 2017 blackout.
Dan, car! It gets grosser! Nobody move! I read about what's happening here.
I'm coming in.
I'm gonna need everyone to put your pants on and take the bread out of the water and stop the Gorge Borge.
Hey, guys.
Emma's here! Oh, my God.
You look so cute.
Mikaela? Oh, please tell me you're not the Gorgemeister.
Sir, a Gorge Borge is very not a thing.
Ugh, Urban Dictionary is crowdsourced, sir.
I should have cross-checked it with the comment section on YouTube.
Well, what's happening here then? Wh Before you get mad, this was not my idea.
Orly DMed me earlier because she was concerned you were having a stroke, so I told her the truth that Emma is hot dogs.
Dad, you need to stop spying on me.
You need to stop lying to me.
I lied about the science project because Ceviche and I wanted to see "Stab Massacre 2.
" I think I made it pretty clear I didn't want you doing that.
And, by the way, if you don't like making the tote bags, just tell me.
I don't like making the tote bags.
Fine.
I'll take Emma.
[scoffs.]
I can't wait to grow up and move, like, 24,000 miles away from you.
Oh, you mean all the way around the Earth and then right back here? It'll be nice to have you so close.
[door slams.]
Did Mayor Bremer send you here to sabotage me? Does he secretly hate the oil plan? What? No.
How could he know we were gonna fall in love? Good Lord.
It's ten in the morning, Kwapis.
Breakups are emotional, okay? You do not get to tell me what to do.
We're not together! Sorry for my tone last night.
You're getting older.
If you wanna go to the movie, go to the movie.
But pay with your own money.
Fine.
I will.
Although, paying with your money is still my money 'cause you don't have a job.
I can make my own money.
Ceviche knows a guy who likes to buy used girls' flip-flops on the dark web.
Cool.
Thanks for telling me that.
The governor has several events this morning, so he's running a little behind.
Okay.
I understand.
We often have the - [dramatic music.]
- Oh, sorry.
We have a photo op with some kids later.
They made the state's largest blueberry pancake to celebrate California agriculture.
They've got over a thousand blueberries clustered in there.
[quietly.]
Holes.
So many holes.
Okay, great.
The governor's walking.
I'll have him here in less than a minute.
Please.
The holes Hurry.
He's coming.
I know what I have to do.
[light triumphant music.]
You're disgusting.
Thank you.
And done.
Right this way, Mr.
Governor.
Mr.
Governor, Arpilene Meskimen, Deputy Mayor of Los Angeles.
Let's talk about oil.
What the hell happened to the big pancake? What big pancake? The big pancake.
You sound crazy.
We are back from the Sac', sir.
Couldn't have gone better, Mr.
Mayor.
The governor has asked me to lead a blue ribbon task force to assess the supportability of the initiative.
Oh, okay.
And that's good? It was the best day of my life, sir.
And Mr.
Kwapis proved to be indispensable.
A real friend to democracy.
And then we went to a train museum.
And the thrift store from "Lady Bird.
" I bought a used bathing suit.
Are you guys close to your parents? Careful, Mr.
Mayor.
Questions like that will make us all fall in love.
[laughter.]
BOTH: Pshh.
It's from earlier.
You know, I can't light it on fire Oh, they'll never get that on the truck.
Hey.
Hey.
How was "Stab Massacre 2?" Um, it was pretty good.
I mean, I kinda saw the twist coming.
Like, obviously, the people in the cage were gonna turn out to be the bodies of the original sisters with new faces sewn on 'cause it's based on "Little Women.
" Yeah.
Obviously.
All right, off to bed.
School night.
Actually, do you think I could watch "Cake Boss" with you? I kinda need a palate cleanser.
So you don't have nightmares? Yeah.
Come here.
[sighs.]
Thanks for letting me go to the movie tonight.
- Yeah.
- [TV chatters.]
They'll never get that cake on the truck.
Oh, come on.
They always get it on the truck at the end.
We're gonna actually light the cake on fire.
If you could have a dinner party with anyone, - living or dead - Batman and Batman's parents, just because I feel like Batman would really appreciate that.
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you wanna know? Where do teachers go during the summer? What's your death row meal? - Depends what I did.
- Your house is on fire.
If you could only bring one thing out of it, - what would it be? - Trick question.
The fire.
Problem solved.
Tell your life story in ten words or less.
"'We hate this one, ' said the orphanage, so Jayden's parents" aww.
That's my capital city.
Alexa, play a song about Sacramento, California.
I'm sorry.
I don't know any songs about Sacramento, California.
Whoa.
Then let's make one up.
I'm packing for the Sac' Sweet Sacramento There's no takin' it back Do me right, Sacramento Hooo, yeah - Alexa, what's the population - Sorry, Arpi.
I really need to get my kids' breakfast now.
Of course.
Sorry, Alexa.
I'm just excited 'cause I'm going to Sacramento.
I know.
Jeez.
[bright music.]
The parks department finally cleaned the bat guano off the Hollywood sign and returned it to its original orange color.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Good morning, Mr.
Mayor.
How was your weekend? Oh, I had a fantastic weekend with Orly.
We went to Huntington Gardens for the honey festival.
So nice.
Okay.
Where was I? They have this thing where you get to decorate a little tote bag, and then you get to keep the tote bag.
- Your life is a movie, sir.
- Next item.
This is a heat map of violent crimes and - Sir, you're AirPlaying your phone.
- I know.
I want to show everybody a picture of the tote bag.
Ooh, a bee apartment.
Okay, uh, other items while we wait.
Deputy Mayor Meskimen and Mr.
Kwapis will be driving up to Sacramento to present our anti-oil-drilling initiative.
Los Angeles has over a thousand drilling sites, many within a hundred yards of schools and homes.
I was pleasantly shocked when Mayor Bremer agreed with my plan Oil's dumb.
We're California.
We should be leading the way on this stuff.
Solar power, wind, fire power Is that a thing? 'Cause fires we got.
If I can convince the governor to prioritize the health of our communities Oh, there it is.
[chuckles.]
Tote bag.
Oh, she is majestic.
- [laughs.]
- [phone rings.]
Wait, what's happening? - I think your daughter's school is calling.
- It's a phone call, sir.
Oh, yeah.
Hello? We'll have to turn your phone off AirPlay, sir.
Well, the screen is the phone now.
Hello? Mayor Bremer here.
Hello? Can you hear the mayor? Suspended? That doesn't sound like Orly.
All right.
I'll be right there.
Sir? - Sir, quick question.
- Not now, Jayden.
I'm scared to be in a car with Ms.
Meskimen.
You'll be fine.
But the trip is six hours, sir, and I don't know what we're gonna talk about.
Jayden, how am I the one you're asking about this? You're the only one I can walk as fast as.
Ask her questions about herself.
People love talking about themselves.
Great.
What kind of questions? I don't know.
Icebreakers.
Conversation starters.
You know.
Google it, for crying out loud.
Will do.
And somebody turned on the long legs.
[panting.]
Here at Gregory, we take online behavior as seriously as we do sock height.
And it seems Orly is part of a group that was using social media to bully a teacher.
Can children bully adults? 'Cause in my day, teachers could hit us with a closed fist.
Allow me to read a few of the offending comments.
"Ms.
Adams is like if the water at the top of a yogurt were a person.
" "Ms.
Adams took a DNA test.
Turns out she is 100% russet potato.
" [laughs.]
Like the song.
No, of course.
That's that is terrible.
But my posts are all defending Ms.
Adams.
Guys, stop.
I think it's feminist that she dances alone at our formals.
You're wrong.
It's so brave that she brought her gerbils on Family Day.
If Ms.
Adams were a man, society would praise her for having a front bulge in her pants.
That's enough, Orly.
Sorry, Ms.
Adams.
You're Ms.
Adams? Is what I tell people, 'cause I know that.
Look, Ms.
Adams, Orly was just being kind.
Don't you think the other girls are to blame here? Fair enough.
Orly, you are not suspended.
[sighs.]
Thank you, Ms.
Adams.
Yes, thank you, Ms.
Adams, and can I just say, I love what you're doing with the white stripe.
- Don't.
- Oh, yes.
I was touched by a ghost.
Yep.
Well, uh, goodbye.
I knew I didn't have to worry about you.
You're a good kid.
Proud of you.
Since I'm such a good kid, can I have money to go to the movies with Ceviche later? [chuckles.]
What are you guys seeing? "Stab Massacre 2.
" "Stab Massacre 2?" No way.
Scary movies give you nightmares.
You remember when that guy in front of you on the plane was watching "It" and then we had to cancel your birthday party? - Come on.
- Okay, fine.
But I'm keeping the hundo.
[smooches.]
Just like her mother.
Sorry I don't have a radio.
It got stolen by the guys that live in my car at night.
It's fine.
I got a lot on my mind.
So I'm making coffee.
Would you like some? What's that now? I mean, what is your dream day? Honestly? This.
Taking an important issue to the governor, serving my constituency.
Now, normally, the deputy mayor would not be dispatched to do a job this big, so either the mayor does not know this, or else he's giving me rope to hang myself.
Tomorrow will either be the greatest or worst day of my life.
What's your favorite salty food? Bran flakes.
They have more sodium than you think.
What do you value most in a friendship? Mutual respect.
Sacrifice.
Similar milk preferences.
Wow, you give all of your answers so fast.
I think it's important to know your stance on everything.
Well, I got the best kid in all of Los Angeles.
That's great, sir.
We have a budget meeting in two minutes.
A bunch of girls were making fun of a potato teacher on Instagram media, but Orly was saying nice things in her postings.
Huh, I follow Orly on Instagram, and she hasn't posted anything about any teachers.
- Really? - Hm.
Sir, did you happen to catch the screen name on her post? By the circle, sir.
Something with a P.
I don't The account she gave me is OrlyBGrammin.
- She has a finsta.
- What's a finsta? It's just an account that kids make under a fake name so they can post silly things they don't want their parents to see.
I wanna see it.
Tell her to let me see it.
Bad idea, sir.
A little separation is healthy.
Orly and I don't have secrets.
I read her the American Girl Doll puberty book.
So gross, but I did it.
When she told me her celebrity crush, I stood with her in the front row of a Shawn Mendes concert.
Everyone thought I was a pedophile.
I know, but we really have to figure out this budget, sir.
Apparently, the city's Discover card has hit its limit, and some bitch is calling, like, every day.
Don't listen to her, Mr.
Mayor.
Finstas ruin lives.
My sister's cousin had a finsta, and pictures of her in her bra got turned into a devastating meme about sadness.
How's your sister's cousin not also your cousin? Sir, you're missing the point.
You need to know what Orly's posting before she embarrasses the city.
So true.
For the city.
If you want me to hack your daughter's finsta, say nothing and just be, like, so tall and leave.
[sly music.]
If you could have a dinner party with anyone, living or dead Eleanor Roosevelt, her girlfriend, Lorena Hickok, and Wayne Brady, 'cause he just cracks me up.
[chuckles.]
What is your fondest memory? Seeing a bachelorette party fall off a haunted hayride.
What's your greatest fear? Holes.
Clusters of holes.
- What? - It's called trypophobia.
Basically, when I see a cut-open pomegranate or an empty Connect Four grid, to my mind, it looks like diseased flesh.
I almost fainted today when Neil showed that honeycomb.
- [tense music.]
- Ooh, a bee apartment.
I was feeling so good till then.
You think Bremer did that to mess with me? He could have access to my psychological evaluation.
What? No.
Are you crazy? Showed you a bunch of holes? Just a bunch of close-together holes? - Talk about something else.
- Okay.
Would you like to make eye contact for four minutes? Sure.
You're starting to drift into the oncoming lane.
- Yep.
- [car horns blaring.]
I told Mikaela I had to step out to take an important call.
What? My handyman is dead? How's it going? Okay, so I cross-referenced Orly's public profile with her friends and who they follow, then narrowed it down to just the privates.
@MzAdamsIzGross.
@SpudHag.
@PearlSquirrel05.
That's Orly.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Her middle name is Pearl, she was born in 2005, and her Harry Potter animal's a squirrel.
Man, I feel like an NCIS.
Great.
Okay.
So our next step is to make our own fake account so that we can get in with these girls.
What should her name be? Nancy.
No one under 60 is named Nancy.
- Aisha.
- Stay in your lane, sir.
Caswell.
Renness.
I'm not a writer.
Kyla.
No, Kylus.
Great.
So, Emma.
Let's do this.
[jaunty music.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
My God.
It looks like legs.
I don't know what's real anymore.
Is "Sports Illustrated" Swimsuit Edition just toilet hot dogs? So now Emma DMs @PearlSquirrel05, and we wait.
My world is upside down, and honestly, it's thrilling.
And here's your key, ma'am.
Jayden, thank you for your conversation in the car.
You really distracted me from my nerves about tomorrow.
You are super welky.
It was a pleasure breaking ice with you.
Hey.
You wanna meet up in a little bit and maybe get some dinner and take the "Lady Bird" walking tour? As long as it's not as scary as the movie.
Wow.
You're not gonna believe it, but just this morning, that lady and I barely knew each other.
But now I know that her biggest regret in life is that she accidentally clapped when the "Challenger" exploded.
And it's all because of these icebreakers I downloaded.
Where'd you get 'em? I'm always looking for new ways to seem normal.
I just searched icebreakers, and I found 78Questions.
com.
"The 78 questions you ask someone when you want to fall in love.
" [laughs.]
Oh, no.
Oh, boy.
[knocking on door.]
Hey.
You ready to hit the Sac'? Okay.
We need to talk.
I know that it got heavy in the car, but, ma'am, don't fall in love with me.
What? I just found out that those questions were designed to make people fall in love, and when you shared with me that your ideal man was '80s James Brolin, frankly, I got worried.
We are not in love, Mr.
Kwapis.
And you, sir, are no "Amityville Horror" James Brolin.
Technically, that's '79, but whatever.
Cool.
It's just that I think that we are better off as really good friends.
We're not even friends.
Friends have a shorthand.
Friends make sacrifices for each other and have a deep understanding.
I don't think we're understanding each other at all in this moment, do you? I mean, sure, I could eat.
Sir, we're in.
Orly accepted Emma's request.
What are you finding? Vapes? Tattoos? It's actually mostly just selfies.
What I'm looking for is red flag slang in the captions.
So, smash means hooking up.
Dexing is abusing cough syrup.
GOW is gay on the weekend.
Seven 8s in a row is a human centipede.
What what's boron? Is that a drug? She said she's finally done with this boron nightmare.
I think she's just bragging about finishing her chemistry project early.
- What's TFW? - "That feeling when.
" That feeling when your dad drags you to Huntington Gardens for the millionth time.
But why is it a picture of a sloth giving the middle finger? She loves it when I take her there.
Mr.
Mayor, I'm sorry about your handyman, but wait.
Why did you slam your laptop shut when I came in? What? We're studying.
Are you on Instagram? Tommy felt it was important to access Orly's private account for security reasons.
So we are Emma, a junior at Marlborough.
We do orchestra.
We're confident, but not cocky.
You helped the mayor create a fake account impersonating a teenage girl? Where did you get this profile picture? We Googled "cute high school field hockey blonde.
" From government servers? Well, when you say it like that Also, do you know what "squat" means now? Because tangerine seltzer squats, but also somehow HPV squats.
Look, this is all my fault.
Orly is just acting out because I uprooted her life with this mayor thing.
I'm working crazy hours.
I forced her to move into an old house that's outside Sugarfish's delivery zone.
I just need to reconnect on her level.
[upbeat music.]
And Emma showed me how to do that.
I am gonna go home and have dinner with her tonight.
- I'll be back later.
- [sighs.]
Great work today, Tommy.
How's that decision memo on SROs coming? [sighs.]
I don't wanna go back to being Tommy.
Emma gets to go to a Glossier pop-up tonight even though there's school tomorrow.
- [sighs.]
- [door slams.]
So, what's Gucci, fam? [chuckles.]
Any VSCO girls stress you about cheddar? What? No.
Perf.
Dad, don't say perf.
Mmm.
TFW.
That feeling when these tacos squat.
You up? Dad, are you okay? What's your middle name? What year do you think this is? I'm mad fine.
That just means you're handsome.
Well, I am handsome.
- Who you texting? - No one.
Look, salt bae, I know I haven't been around as much as you're used to.
#MayorLife.
But you can always tell me anything.
I know.
I just don't want us to lose our connection.
We're not basic.
We don't have secrets IRL.
Name a more iconic duo.
I'll wait.
- Okay, Dad, stop talking like that.
- Okay.
Wanna watch TV together later? "Cake Boss" and chill at 10:00? "And chill" means sex.
- BOTH: Eww.
- And I can't tonight.
Ceviche's coming over to finish our chemistry project.
We're making a papier-mâché of the element boron, so it's gonna take forever.
Okay.
She lied to me.
My baby lied to me.
We know she already finished that science project.
Where's Mikaela? Has anyone seen my chief of staff? She went home because of violent cramps.
She said you would not ask a follow-up.
She is correct.
Refresh, refresh.
No new posts since yesterday.
I don't get it.
We were connecting.
I was being cool AF cool as Fonzie - and she lied to my face.
- [cell phone buzzes.]
Orly just DMed Emma.
"Mayor working late.
Gorge Borge at Getty House.
" What the hell's a Gorge Borge? According to Urban Dictionary, Gorge Borge, noun, originated in Amsterdam during the 2017 blackout.
Dan, car! It gets grosser! Nobody move! I read about what's happening here.
I'm coming in.
I'm gonna need everyone to put your pants on and take the bread out of the water and stop the Gorge Borge.
Hey, guys.
Emma's here! Oh, my God.
You look so cute.
Mikaela? Oh, please tell me you're not the Gorgemeister.
Sir, a Gorge Borge is very not a thing.
Ugh, Urban Dictionary is crowdsourced, sir.
I should have cross-checked it with the comment section on YouTube.
Well, what's happening here then? Wh Before you get mad, this was not my idea.
Orly DMed me earlier because she was concerned you were having a stroke, so I told her the truth that Emma is hot dogs.
Dad, you need to stop spying on me.
You need to stop lying to me.
I lied about the science project because Ceviche and I wanted to see "Stab Massacre 2.
" I think I made it pretty clear I didn't want you doing that.
And, by the way, if you don't like making the tote bags, just tell me.
I don't like making the tote bags.
Fine.
I'll take Emma.
[scoffs.]
I can't wait to grow up and move, like, 24,000 miles away from you.
Oh, you mean all the way around the Earth and then right back here? It'll be nice to have you so close.
[door slams.]
Did Mayor Bremer send you here to sabotage me? Does he secretly hate the oil plan? What? No.
How could he know we were gonna fall in love? Good Lord.
It's ten in the morning, Kwapis.
Breakups are emotional, okay? You do not get to tell me what to do.
We're not together! Sorry for my tone last night.
You're getting older.
If you wanna go to the movie, go to the movie.
But pay with your own money.
Fine.
I will.
Although, paying with your money is still my money 'cause you don't have a job.
I can make my own money.
Ceviche knows a guy who likes to buy used girls' flip-flops on the dark web.
Cool.
Thanks for telling me that.
The governor has several events this morning, so he's running a little behind.
Okay.
I understand.
We often have the - [dramatic music.]
- Oh, sorry.
We have a photo op with some kids later.
They made the state's largest blueberry pancake to celebrate California agriculture.
They've got over a thousand blueberries clustered in there.
[quietly.]
Holes.
So many holes.
Okay, great.
The governor's walking.
I'll have him here in less than a minute.
Please.
The holes Hurry.
He's coming.
I know what I have to do.
[light triumphant music.]
You're disgusting.
Thank you.
And done.
Right this way, Mr.
Governor.
Mr.
Governor, Arpilene Meskimen, Deputy Mayor of Los Angeles.
Let's talk about oil.
What the hell happened to the big pancake? What big pancake? The big pancake.
You sound crazy.
We are back from the Sac', sir.
Couldn't have gone better, Mr.
Mayor.
The governor has asked me to lead a blue ribbon task force to assess the supportability of the initiative.
Oh, okay.
And that's good? It was the best day of my life, sir.
And Mr.
Kwapis proved to be indispensable.
A real friend to democracy.
And then we went to a train museum.
And the thrift store from "Lady Bird.
" I bought a used bathing suit.
Are you guys close to your parents? Careful, Mr.
Mayor.
Questions like that will make us all fall in love.
[laughter.]
BOTH: Pshh.
It's from earlier.
You know, I can't light it on fire Oh, they'll never get that on the truck.
Hey.
Hey.
How was "Stab Massacre 2?" Um, it was pretty good.
I mean, I kinda saw the twist coming.
Like, obviously, the people in the cage were gonna turn out to be the bodies of the original sisters with new faces sewn on 'cause it's based on "Little Women.
" Yeah.
Obviously.
All right, off to bed.
School night.
Actually, do you think I could watch "Cake Boss" with you? I kinda need a palate cleanser.
So you don't have nightmares? Yeah.
Come here.
[sighs.]
Thanks for letting me go to the movie tonight.
- Yeah.
- [TV chatters.]
They'll never get that cake on the truck.
Oh, come on.
They always get it on the truck at the end.
We're gonna actually light the cake on fire.
If you could have a dinner party with anyone, - living or dead - Batman and Batman's parents, just because I feel like Batman would really appreciate that.
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you wanna know? Where do teachers go during the summer? What's your death row meal? - Depends what I did.
- Your house is on fire.
If you could only bring one thing out of it, - what would it be? - Trick question.
The fire.
Problem solved.
Tell your life story in ten words or less.
"'We hate this one, ' said the orphanage, so Jayden's parents" aww.