Mr Pickles (2013) s01e04 Episode Script
The Cheeseman
Mmm.
You look pretty.
[Chuckles.]
|don't worry I'll throw ya back once I'm done with ya.
[Chuckles.]
Ooh! Another fish! Maybe we can have a menage a trout.
[Reel cranks.]
- Huh? - Mr.
Pickles: [Panting.]
- Aah! - Tommy: Mr.
Pickles! S01E04 The Cheeseman Tommy: Mr.
Pickles! Tommy: There you are! Good boy! I'm so excited to go camping! I hope I can catch an animal and - bring it home.
- Grandpa: Mr.
Pickles is evil.
We shouldn't be bringing him with us.
- Beverly: Oh! - Grandpa: Hey! Beverly: Dad! Be more careful with that thing.
Grandpa: Hmm.
[Ominous music plays.]
[Echoing.]
Cheeseman [Laughs maniacally.]
Grandpa: Huh? Stanley: Tommy, the secret to successful camping is to have a list of activities.
Number 1 set up a tent.
Ahhh.
Finally, a little peace and [Rock music blares.]
[Tires squeal.]
Whoa-ho-ho! I'm not a wifebeater, but I'd hit that! - Shut up, Brett! - Oh! Too many bugs! - Camping makes me horny.
- Whatever.
- I don't belong here.
- Is someone gonna help me? - Come on! - Party! Don't party too much.
You want to stay sharp in case - the cheeseman comes for ya.
- Come on.
- That's just an urban legend.
- Tommy: What's a cheeseman? 20 years ago, a group of kids camped here.
- [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - One of them really hated cheese.
Hey, this has cheese on it! I hate cheese! Why do you hate cheese so much, cheeseman? [Laughter.]
- That's not my name! - Cheeseman! - Group: Cheeseman! Cheeseman! - They threw slices of American - cheese at him - Let's throw American cheese at him.
knocking him into the fire.
No! The cheese melted into his skin.
He ran into the lake, never to be seen again.
- I hate cheese! - Some say he still lurks in these woods, taking revenge on campers.
So if you see a man with cheese for skin, it could be - The cheeseman! - Tommy: Aaaaaaaaah! - You guys are jerks.
- Beverly: It's just a story - kids use to scare each other.
- Mr.
Pickles: [Growls.]
Man, what am I doing here? Everybody knows in these situations, the black guy always dies first! I'm gonna go into those creepy woods and think about ways to stay safe.
[Echoing.]
Cheeseman Stanley: Okay, let's find some firewood.
Oh! Some berries! One of the things on my list is - "find plants you can eat.
" - Those berries are poison.
And I know something else you don't know! [Cackles.]
Grandpa: Huh? - Beverly: Where'd he go? - Stanley: Come on, Goodmans.
- Let's - You don't know the terrible thing I know! Only I know! [Cackles.]
| Grandpa: You know something about Mr.
Pickles? Aah! Only I know the real truth! [Cackles.]
- Tommy: Come on, grandpa! - Grandpa: Uh, I'll catch up.
- [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - Who keeps saying "cheeseman"? [Echoing.]
Cheeseman Oh, no! It's the cheeseman! [Rustling.]
- Tommy: Hi, mister! - Damn! Tommy: Have you seen any animals running around? You can't be running around here looking like cheese! Tommy: You're funny.
[Giggles.]
- [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - Who whispering? - Aah! - Tommy: Look! A frog! Damn! You scared the shi aah! Aah! - Tommy: Come here, froggy! - Watch it, you dickhole! - Stanley: This way, Tommy! - Tommy: Bye! Aah! Take me to the crapper! Now! Okay.
It's over that way, past the tree with that pentagram carved into it.
I'll be done in a minute.
Then you can help me wipe.
All right.
Well, I'll be in that creepy barn over there.
Holler when you need me.
- [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - Hmm.
Look at all these weapons.
Seems like a safe place to take a nap.
[Snores.]
[Birds chirping.]
| [Humming.]
Aaaaaah! [Chainsaw roars.]
- Tommy: Dad, is this firewood? - Stanley: Looks like it was hit by lightning.
Remember, never stand next to a tree during a lightning storm.
The tree could fall on you.
Tommy: You sure know a lot about the outdoors! Stanley: Shh.
Quiet.
Look over here.
Beverly: Careful, honey.
She's feeding.
Stanley: Ah, the circle of life.
- Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh! - Beverly: [Sighs.]
[Rumbling.]
|[Citizens screaming.]
Sir, space Nazis are trying to blow up Mars! Sounds like a job for astronaut dolphin detective.
But, sir, he was arrested for flashing those space kids.
Get him out.
[Squeals.]
- Man, this show blows my mind! - Great.
- Wanna have sex? - Yeah, bro.
[Both moaning.]
Ugh.
Stanley: Hey, look, everybody some fruit.
Beverly: That's not fruit.
It's a spider-egg sac! Stanley: They're crawling into my eyes! - Oh! Possums! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Beverly: [Sighs.]
- Tommy: Come here, kitty! - [Echoing.]
Cheeseman Tommy: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! - Cheeseman! - Tommy: Whoa! Ah! Ha ha! He thought I was the cheeseman! What a chump! Yay! [Both laughing.]
[Snorts.]
Huh? - Oh! - Mr.
Pickles: [Panting.]
Tommy: There you are, boy.
Come on! - [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - Stanley: Oh! Ow! Beverly: Now, this lavender will help with all your bites.
- It will reduce swelling.
- Stanley: Honey, really, I'm fine.
Let's head back to camp.
Oh, uh Actually, let's go another way.
[Scatting.]
| [Echoing.]
Cheeseman [Smooching.]
[Ducks quacking.]
Ew! Get out of here, you stupid ducks! [Echoing.]
Cheeseman [Smooches.]
Cheeseman! [Screams.]
| Gotcha! [Laughs.]
You scared me, Brett! [Giggles.]
Let's make sex.
[Both moaning.]
Grandpa: There you are! I've been looking for [grunting, cackling.]
| Grandpa: Ohh.
[Both moaning.]
Huh?! Oh! Aaaaaaaaah! - The cheeseman is real! - Grandpa: [Gasps.]
- Did you see that?! - Yes.
Grandpa: We have to go tell the sheriff! - Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh! - Grandpa: Huh? Okay, I'll tell him.
[Grunts.]
Stanley: Huh.
This is totally different from the map.
- Beverly: No, look.
We're right here.
- Stanley: Oh.
You, uh You passed the test.
Heh.
Hey, Tommy, check off "read a map correctly.
" - Tommy: But there isn't a - Stanley: Now, if you'll just follow me ow! Gosh! - Oh, gosh! - Beverly: [Sighs.]
Astronaut dolphin detective has defeated the space Nazis, but now a stripper is giving birth to his baby.
[Squeaks.]
Oh, my God! - He just ate the baby! - He may be a bad father, but he's the best detective we've got.
[Dance music plays.]
All anyone ever cares about is sex.
[Moans.]
- Talk dirty to me.
- Toilet bowls have 3.
2 million - bacteria per square inch.
- Huh? Breaking news a severe thunderstorm is heading our way.
And last night, I had sex with this girl.
You are a slut.
The cheeseman killed Veronica! And I'm done.
Off to the showers.
No! The cheeseman [Moaning.]
- [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - Beverly: Here, honey.
This should take pressure off your leg.
Stanley: No, thanks, honey.
Come on, Tommy.
How 'bout I show you how to cross a riverrrrrrrrr?! - See you back at camp! - Beverly: [Sighs.]
[Thunder crashes.]
| Tommy: A storm's coming! - Beverly: Get under the tree! - Tommy: But dad said it was - dangerous during a lightning - Beverly: Your dad isn't right about everything! [Thunder crashes.]
- Oh! - Tommy: See! Dad was right! Beverly: [Sighs.]
[Thunder crashes.]
Grandpa: Sheriff! There's been a murder at the campground, and this time, I have a witness! Tell him what you saw at the lake.
- I saw a naked girl.
- Grandpa: What?! - Tell him the other thing! - I can't tell anybody.
Go on.
Nobody keeps a secret from a sheriff.
Isn't that right, Abigail? - That's right, sheriff.
- Grandpa: Tell him! Okay.
The truth is - I'm a virgin.
- Grandpa: What?! Now you know the truth! [Cackles.]
Grandpa: There's been a murder! It was Mr.
Pi [Dial tone.]
Huh? Oh! Ohhhhhhhh! [Cackling.]
Tommy: [Grunting.]
I can't lift it! I'll take dad's river shortcut - to get help back at camp.
- Beverly: It's not a shortcut! - Tommy: Now, how do you swim?! - Beverly: [Sighs.]
- Huh?! - [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - Oh, and hi.
- Beverly: Cheeseman! - Tommy: Mom! Help! - I'll get you out! Beverly: No! [Grunts.]
- Let go of my son, you murderer! - I was trying to save him! Don't believe everything you he-e-e-e-e-e-e-ar! Beverly: Just give me your hand! Tommy: Okay.
Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Beverly: [Sighs.]
[Ominous music continues.]
[Echoing.]
Mr.
Pickles.
Hmm.
This looks like the perfect situation for observation.
Hey! What are you doing?! Come on.
I'm just looking for a little peace of ass.
[Chuckles.]
Oh! What the oh, no! Back hair! Can't back out now.
You're doin' this.
What are you doing, man?! Stop it! Aah! Oh, my go aah! The cheeseman is rea ugh! - [Echoing.]
Mr.
Pickles.
- Aah! He's here! Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh! The secret's out! [Cackles.]
- Huh?! - Where is everybody? - The cheeseman was just here! - We should split up, then! No! Hey! - Wait you can walk? - Yeah.
I'm just really lazy.
Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Mr.
Pickles: [Panting.]
- Aah! My head hurts! [Dramatic music plays.]
|No! N-o-o-o-o-o-o! Ugh! Owwwwwwww! [Thunder crashes.]
[Echoing.]
Mr.
Pickles.
[Moaning.]
[Cackling.]
Huh?! It's the cheeseman! Stanley: [Groaning.]
| Di-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-e! Stanley: Hey! No! No, no, no! - Stop right there, cheeseman! - Wha I'm not the cheeseman! - Ohhhh.
- Grandpa: It was Mr.
Pickles! - I have a witness! - Mr.
Pickles: [Barking.]
[All gasp.]
| Good boy, Mr.
Pickles.
Grandpa: Oh, come on! - Beverly: [Grunts.]
- Tommy: Hey, dad! - Look what I caught! - Stanley: Well, that's ooh.
- Tommy: This is the cheeseman.
- Hey.
How's it going? - Tommy: Can I keep him? - Stanley: I'll kill you! Ohhhhh! Stanley: Got it! Little mosquito on your shoulder, dear.
Beverly: What would I do without you, honey? Sorry, folks.
Campground's closed.
[Crickets chirping.]
| Well, well.
The black guy doesn't die.
Wait! These are poisonous! You can't get me like that.
Aah! [Munches, groans.]
[Gasps.]
[Thunder crashes.]
Aah! Ha ha! I'm-a live forever! Let's throw american cheese at him! Oh, no! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! This is some bullsh [Folksy music plays.]
Stanley: Only one more thing on our list "see a shooting star.
" You know, I just want to thank you people for accepting me for who I am.
It gets so lonely in the woods.
What a nightmare, you know? [Chuckles.]
| Beverly: Dinner's ready.
Hey, you dumb bitch! I hate cheese! - Beverly: Oh, my! - Stanley: Uh Well, uh You know what? I had a nice time today.
- How 'bout you, Tommy? - Tommy: I caught a cheeseman and a fish.
Hey? Where is my fish? Where's the cheeseman? [Ominous music plays.]
[Moaning.]
Oh! Oh, yeah! Oh, you naughty, little fish! Huh? Mr.
Pickles: [Panting.]
| Mr
You look pretty.
[Chuckles.]
|don't worry I'll throw ya back once I'm done with ya.
[Chuckles.]
Ooh! Another fish! Maybe we can have a menage a trout.
[Reel cranks.]
- Huh? - Mr.
Pickles: [Panting.]
- Aah! - Tommy: Mr.
Pickles! S01E04 The Cheeseman Tommy: Mr.
Pickles! Tommy: There you are! Good boy! I'm so excited to go camping! I hope I can catch an animal and - bring it home.
- Grandpa: Mr.
Pickles is evil.
We shouldn't be bringing him with us.
- Beverly: Oh! - Grandpa: Hey! Beverly: Dad! Be more careful with that thing.
Grandpa: Hmm.
[Ominous music plays.]
[Echoing.]
Cheeseman [Laughs maniacally.]
Grandpa: Huh? Stanley: Tommy, the secret to successful camping is to have a list of activities.
Number 1 set up a tent.
Ahhh.
Finally, a little peace and [Rock music blares.]
[Tires squeal.]
Whoa-ho-ho! I'm not a wifebeater, but I'd hit that! - Shut up, Brett! - Oh! Too many bugs! - Camping makes me horny.
- Whatever.
- I don't belong here.
- Is someone gonna help me? - Come on! - Party! Don't party too much.
You want to stay sharp in case - the cheeseman comes for ya.
- Come on.
- That's just an urban legend.
- Tommy: What's a cheeseman? 20 years ago, a group of kids camped here.
- [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - One of them really hated cheese.
Hey, this has cheese on it! I hate cheese! Why do you hate cheese so much, cheeseman? [Laughter.]
- That's not my name! - Cheeseman! - Group: Cheeseman! Cheeseman! - They threw slices of American - cheese at him - Let's throw American cheese at him.
knocking him into the fire.
No! The cheese melted into his skin.
He ran into the lake, never to be seen again.
- I hate cheese! - Some say he still lurks in these woods, taking revenge on campers.
So if you see a man with cheese for skin, it could be - The cheeseman! - Tommy: Aaaaaaaaah! - You guys are jerks.
- Beverly: It's just a story - kids use to scare each other.
- Mr.
Pickles: [Growls.]
Man, what am I doing here? Everybody knows in these situations, the black guy always dies first! I'm gonna go into those creepy woods and think about ways to stay safe.
[Echoing.]
Cheeseman Stanley: Okay, let's find some firewood.
Oh! Some berries! One of the things on my list is - "find plants you can eat.
" - Those berries are poison.
And I know something else you don't know! [Cackles.]
Grandpa: Huh? - Beverly: Where'd he go? - Stanley: Come on, Goodmans.
- Let's - You don't know the terrible thing I know! Only I know! [Cackles.]
| Grandpa: You know something about Mr.
Pickles? Aah! Only I know the real truth! [Cackles.]
- Tommy: Come on, grandpa! - Grandpa: Uh, I'll catch up.
- [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - Who keeps saying "cheeseman"? [Echoing.]
Cheeseman Oh, no! It's the cheeseman! [Rustling.]
- Tommy: Hi, mister! - Damn! Tommy: Have you seen any animals running around? You can't be running around here looking like cheese! Tommy: You're funny.
[Giggles.]
- [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - Who whispering? - Aah! - Tommy: Look! A frog! Damn! You scared the shi aah! Aah! - Tommy: Come here, froggy! - Watch it, you dickhole! - Stanley: This way, Tommy! - Tommy: Bye! Aah! Take me to the crapper! Now! Okay.
It's over that way, past the tree with that pentagram carved into it.
I'll be done in a minute.
Then you can help me wipe.
All right.
Well, I'll be in that creepy barn over there.
Holler when you need me.
- [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - Hmm.
Look at all these weapons.
Seems like a safe place to take a nap.
[Snores.]
[Birds chirping.]
| [Humming.]
Aaaaaah! [Chainsaw roars.]
- Tommy: Dad, is this firewood? - Stanley: Looks like it was hit by lightning.
Remember, never stand next to a tree during a lightning storm.
The tree could fall on you.
Tommy: You sure know a lot about the outdoors! Stanley: Shh.
Quiet.
Look over here.
Beverly: Careful, honey.
She's feeding.
Stanley: Ah, the circle of life.
- Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh! - Beverly: [Sighs.]
[Rumbling.]
|[Citizens screaming.]
Sir, space Nazis are trying to blow up Mars! Sounds like a job for astronaut dolphin detective.
But, sir, he was arrested for flashing those space kids.
Get him out.
[Squeals.]
- Man, this show blows my mind! - Great.
- Wanna have sex? - Yeah, bro.
[Both moaning.]
Ugh.
Stanley: Hey, look, everybody some fruit.
Beverly: That's not fruit.
It's a spider-egg sac! Stanley: They're crawling into my eyes! - Oh! Possums! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Beverly: [Sighs.]
- Tommy: Come here, kitty! - [Echoing.]
Cheeseman Tommy: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! - Cheeseman! - Tommy: Whoa! Ah! Ha ha! He thought I was the cheeseman! What a chump! Yay! [Both laughing.]
[Snorts.]
Huh? - Oh! - Mr.
Pickles: [Panting.]
Tommy: There you are, boy.
Come on! - [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - Stanley: Oh! Ow! Beverly: Now, this lavender will help with all your bites.
- It will reduce swelling.
- Stanley: Honey, really, I'm fine.
Let's head back to camp.
Oh, uh Actually, let's go another way.
[Scatting.]
| [Echoing.]
Cheeseman [Smooching.]
[Ducks quacking.]
Ew! Get out of here, you stupid ducks! [Echoing.]
Cheeseman [Smooches.]
Cheeseman! [Screams.]
| Gotcha! [Laughs.]
You scared me, Brett! [Giggles.]
Let's make sex.
[Both moaning.]
Grandpa: There you are! I've been looking for [grunting, cackling.]
| Grandpa: Ohh.
[Both moaning.]
Huh?! Oh! Aaaaaaaaah! - The cheeseman is real! - Grandpa: [Gasps.]
- Did you see that?! - Yes.
Grandpa: We have to go tell the sheriff! - Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh! - Grandpa: Huh? Okay, I'll tell him.
[Grunts.]
Stanley: Huh.
This is totally different from the map.
- Beverly: No, look.
We're right here.
- Stanley: Oh.
You, uh You passed the test.
Heh.
Hey, Tommy, check off "read a map correctly.
" - Tommy: But there isn't a - Stanley: Now, if you'll just follow me ow! Gosh! - Oh, gosh! - Beverly: [Sighs.]
Astronaut dolphin detective has defeated the space Nazis, but now a stripper is giving birth to his baby.
[Squeaks.]
Oh, my God! - He just ate the baby! - He may be a bad father, but he's the best detective we've got.
[Dance music plays.]
All anyone ever cares about is sex.
[Moans.]
- Talk dirty to me.
- Toilet bowls have 3.
2 million - bacteria per square inch.
- Huh? Breaking news a severe thunderstorm is heading our way.
And last night, I had sex with this girl.
You are a slut.
The cheeseman killed Veronica! And I'm done.
Off to the showers.
No! The cheeseman [Moaning.]
- [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - Beverly: Here, honey.
This should take pressure off your leg.
Stanley: No, thanks, honey.
Come on, Tommy.
How 'bout I show you how to cross a riverrrrrrrrr?! - See you back at camp! - Beverly: [Sighs.]
[Thunder crashes.]
| Tommy: A storm's coming! - Beverly: Get under the tree! - Tommy: But dad said it was - dangerous during a lightning - Beverly: Your dad isn't right about everything! [Thunder crashes.]
- Oh! - Tommy: See! Dad was right! Beverly: [Sighs.]
[Thunder crashes.]
Grandpa: Sheriff! There's been a murder at the campground, and this time, I have a witness! Tell him what you saw at the lake.
- I saw a naked girl.
- Grandpa: What?! - Tell him the other thing! - I can't tell anybody.
Go on.
Nobody keeps a secret from a sheriff.
Isn't that right, Abigail? - That's right, sheriff.
- Grandpa: Tell him! Okay.
The truth is - I'm a virgin.
- Grandpa: What?! Now you know the truth! [Cackles.]
Grandpa: There's been a murder! It was Mr.
Pi [Dial tone.]
Huh? Oh! Ohhhhhhhh! [Cackling.]
Tommy: [Grunting.]
I can't lift it! I'll take dad's river shortcut - to get help back at camp.
- Beverly: It's not a shortcut! - Tommy: Now, how do you swim?! - Beverly: [Sighs.]
- Huh?! - [Echoing.]
Cheeseman - Oh, and hi.
- Beverly: Cheeseman! - Tommy: Mom! Help! - I'll get you out! Beverly: No! [Grunts.]
- Let go of my son, you murderer! - I was trying to save him! Don't believe everything you he-e-e-e-e-e-e-ar! Beverly: Just give me your hand! Tommy: Okay.
Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Beverly: [Sighs.]
[Ominous music continues.]
[Echoing.]
Mr.
Pickles.
Hmm.
This looks like the perfect situation for observation.
Hey! What are you doing?! Come on.
I'm just looking for a little peace of ass.
[Chuckles.]
Oh! What the oh, no! Back hair! Can't back out now.
You're doin' this.
What are you doing, man?! Stop it! Aah! Oh, my go aah! The cheeseman is rea ugh! - [Echoing.]
Mr.
Pickles.
- Aah! He's here! Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh! The secret's out! [Cackles.]
- Huh?! - Where is everybody? - The cheeseman was just here! - We should split up, then! No! Hey! - Wait you can walk? - Yeah.
I'm just really lazy.
Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Mr.
Pickles: [Panting.]
- Aah! My head hurts! [Dramatic music plays.]
|No! N-o-o-o-o-o-o! Ugh! Owwwwwwww! [Thunder crashes.]
[Echoing.]
Mr.
Pickles.
[Moaning.]
[Cackling.]
Huh?! It's the cheeseman! Stanley: [Groaning.]
| Di-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-e! Stanley: Hey! No! No, no, no! - Stop right there, cheeseman! - Wha I'm not the cheeseman! - Ohhhh.
- Grandpa: It was Mr.
Pickles! - I have a witness! - Mr.
Pickles: [Barking.]
[All gasp.]
| Good boy, Mr.
Pickles.
Grandpa: Oh, come on! - Beverly: [Grunts.]
- Tommy: Hey, dad! - Look what I caught! - Stanley: Well, that's ooh.
- Tommy: This is the cheeseman.
- Hey.
How's it going? - Tommy: Can I keep him? - Stanley: I'll kill you! Ohhhhh! Stanley: Got it! Little mosquito on your shoulder, dear.
Beverly: What would I do without you, honey? Sorry, folks.
Campground's closed.
[Crickets chirping.]
| Well, well.
The black guy doesn't die.
Wait! These are poisonous! You can't get me like that.
Aah! [Munches, groans.]
[Gasps.]
[Thunder crashes.]
Aah! Ha ha! I'm-a live forever! Let's throw american cheese at him! Oh, no! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! This is some bullsh [Folksy music plays.]
Stanley: Only one more thing on our list "see a shooting star.
" You know, I just want to thank you people for accepting me for who I am.
It gets so lonely in the woods.
What a nightmare, you know? [Chuckles.]
| Beverly: Dinner's ready.
Hey, you dumb bitch! I hate cheese! - Beverly: Oh, my! - Stanley: Uh Well, uh You know what? I had a nice time today.
- How 'bout you, Tommy? - Tommy: I caught a cheeseman and a fish.
Hey? Where is my fish? Where's the cheeseman? [Ominous music plays.]
[Moaning.]
Oh! Oh, yeah! Oh, you naughty, little fish! Huh? Mr.
Pickles: [Panting.]
| Mr