Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys! It's going to be a very fancy wedding, Dermot.
I know.
I wish they'd picked somewhere else.
It's too fancy.
Here, Auntie Mary and Tommy the sprinter's coming.
We'd better make sure this place has a disabled entrance.
He has only one leg.
It's the Ritz Crown Hotel, Mammy.
It has everything.
Annie Gibney is coming.
She's an alcoholic.
We'd better make sure it has a disabled exit as well.
Your Uncle Gonzo rang.
He wanted to know what "morning wear" was.
I told him just to come in his pyjamas.
That's what I mean, too fancy.
A seven course meal, Mammy.
It'll be nice, Dermot.
Mammy, there are people dying of starvation in the world.
Fine, what's their names? I'll put them on the list.
Just forget it.
Mrs Nicholson needs to know how many are coming from our side by the end of the day.
Well, with Cathy and Mick Mick's not coming.
He has to work.
He can get off for a wedding.
He's not coming.
End of discussion.
Well, with Cathy dumped, that means 43.
Oh, are you bringing a girl to the wedding, Rory? Well, I was going to invite Dino from work.
Oh, lovely! You'll probably both be bringing girls.
I'll put it down as 46! Well.
Mammy Not now, Rory.
Right, Mammy, will you ring Maria's mother and let her know today? I will.
That way, I can go to the stag party with me head clear.
And we can go to the hen party with our head clear.
How are you, Winnie? Cup of tea, love? Ah, no, love.
I'm heading down to hospital to visit Jacko.
And I'm bringing him home this week.
Again? Well, Dermot, are you all set for the big day? More or less.
Fancy hotel and all, eh? Your father would be very proud of you.
Lord rest him.
Yeah, whatever.
I'll never forget what my father said to me the first time I went to prison.
What did he say? Hello, son.
Mammy? Yes, love? If you get a chance, can I have a chat with you? You can have a chat now if you like.
No.
Later, just you and me.
All right, love.
See you later.
Mammy, you should give the hen party a miss.
It's going to be all, you know, young people.
Cathy, you're only as young as you feel, and me and Winnie feel like two cocker spaniels in heat.
Woof, woof! OK, you are not invited.
You're too old for hen parties, so you're not invited.
Are you happy now you got me to say it? It's a hen party for young people.
It's embarrassing watching old women pretending to be teenagers! You leave Winnie alone! There's Grandad banging down again.
Is there anybody down there? Mammy? No! Who's that, then? Polly the fuckin' parrot.
Now, go to sleep.
Me hot water bottle is leaking.
What did he say? His hot water bottle is leaking.
He doesn't have a hot water bottle, Mammy! Cathy, go up and see what he wants, will you? I'll get our clean sheets.
Never mind clean sheets, get a fookin' lifeboat.
That's the first time, you know.
First time I've been told that I'm too old for something.
The cheek of her! I think it's all right to pretend to be a teenager, or anything else you want to be.
He's grand.
Not yet, Winnie.
Jesus! I mean, after all, God knows you're an adult for long enough.
I think you should stay as young as you can for as long as you can.
OK, Winnie.
He's grand.
Cathy sorted him out.
We're going to that hen party.
Agnes, you heard what Cathy said.
We're not invited.
Cathy is not the boss of us.
Now, listen, we have to find out where it is, and we're going to crash it.
I'll show them how to party! I thought they were extinct.
We're home, Mammy.
Hello, Cathy.
Hello, Betty.
Well, you two have been busy.
I'm exhausted, but it was worth it.
I got me dress for the wedding.
Oh, give us a look at it.
Where's Maria? At home at her mother's.
We just came from there.
We had tea on the patio.
Patio? Excuse me! Rory and Dino were there, going over the hairstyles for the big day.
That's nice.
Da-da! Is Ann Summers selling off their old stock? No, Mammy, it's me dress for the wedding! What do you think? It's very feckin' what's the word I'm looking for? Classy.
Red! It's supposed to be red.
Is it supposed to be slapper red? Ah, Mammy! Let me look at it again.
I didn't really see it.
Turn around.
Not you, the feckin' dress! I suppose it will be fine.
I better put it away upstairs.
Do, Cathy, and hide it.
I'm telling you, if word gets out that that's here, we'll be broken into.
By the fashion police.
I'll see you tomorrow night, Betty - for the hen party! Right, Cathy.
Are you looking forward to the hen party, Betty? Aye, it should be great craic.
It should be great craic! I haven't been to that place in years.
What do you call it? The hairdresser's? Very funny! Cathy says you're barred from the hen party, so you may give up.
Nobody's going to tell you where it is.
Fine, but if you're really her friend, you won't let her go to the wedding in that feckin' dress! Why not? It's lovely.
Lovely? She puts that on, you're only waiting for her to go "ten dollar, me love you long time!" No, she won't.
You're just out of touch with fashion.
I know fashion, love.
I love that coat on you, and I have done for the last five years.
Every time I see it, I think "I must put the black bags out tonight".
Good luck! Hiya, boys.
Hiya, Betty.
Here's the groom! Hello, son.
Don't even feckin' think about it.
Cathy and Betty were just down in Maria's house.
Tea on the patio.
They said it's a nice house.
When you walk into the hall, on the ceiling there's a big what do ya call it? A night vision camera? Crystal chandelier! And to get to the patio, you go through the dining room.
Past the motion sensors.
Exactly! How do you know? It must be a big house.
Big enough.
And they have two toilets.
One upstairs and one downstairs.
Two toilets? For what? What do they do, get up in the morning and go "Oh, where will I shit today?" They only have the one arse.
Mind you, a toilet downstairs, eh? I'd say it'd be feckin' handy.
Here you go, love.
Thanks, Ma.
What's this? A wedding present from Buster.
Oh, nice.
A VDV player? How can you afford things like that, Buster? I know a fella who does them cheap.
Why does he cut the plug off? Right, well, I'm off.
I'll see you tomorrow for the stag party.
See you, Buster.
Oh! The cheek of him! Dermot, just cos she has a big house, doesn't make it a home.
True.
And I'd say that's her, you know.
Big house, no home.
Yeah, fur coat, no knickers! She's like a prostitute on her night off.
What? All dressed up and no-one to blow! Is that funny, Dermot? Yeah, Ma.
I don't feckin' get it.
I read that in one of your magazines.
Dermot, what's a blow job? 20 quid, Ma.
I thought 20 quid was a score? They change the feckin' language every day now.
Dermot, where are yous having the stag party? In Foley's, I suppose? No.
We're not going near Foley's.
Mark said Betty is meeting Cathy and Barbara there for the hen party, and we don't want to bump into them.
The hen party is in Foley's! That's perfect! Perfect! How long does it take you to fit it, Mr O'Connor? Usually, we're in and out in a day.
A day? Could you do it tomorrow? Oh, no.
I'm far too busy.
I'll make it worth your while.
I'll give you an extra blow job.
Where do you want it fitted? Here! Here! Oh, wait, there's a chip gone out of this.
Somebody must have shit a brick.
Are you sure? I'm positive! But look, you won't be able to, like You worry about the fittin'.
I'll worry about the shittin'! I'll see you tomorrrow, Mr O'Connell.
And if there's anybody that'll help you fit it, bring them along.
There's a blow job in it for them as well.
Thanks, Barbara! Aye, cheers, Barbara! Ah, for Christ's sake! You all set for the party, girls? For God's sake, Mrs McGoogan, you were told that yous weren't invited! Well, we're here now, so live with it.
Jesus, I don't know half the people here.
Where's Maria? Winnie, this is not the hen party.
The hen party is in a nightclub.
So what's all this, then? It's the funeral party for Mr Murphy.
Oh, good God, no! Sex bomb, sex bomb You're my sex bomb You can really do it when I want to come along Sex bomb, sex bomb you're my sex bomb You can really turn me on You can really turn me on! Agnes, this is Paddy Murphy's funeral! Lovely man.
I always liked him.
Winnie, come on! No, no.
No, that's an awful feckin' smell.
Smell, smell! It's gas, missus! You have a leak.
It's only slight, but I'd have it checked out all the same.
Here, give yer man a shout.
He'll sort you out.
I will, Mr O'Connell.
Thanks very much for coming over.
No problem.
Oh, hold on.
I nearly forgot.
Your blow job! Ah, no.
No, thanks.
Good luck! Suit yourself.
Mammy? Yes, love? Would now be a good time to have a chat with you? Well, go up and get dressed, and I'll talk to you before you go to work.
Ah, now, here's Venus and Serena.
Morning, Mammy.
Good morning, son.
Morning, Mammy.
Don't "good morning, Mammy" me, Buster Brady.
The carry on of you in this house last night.
How dare you bring a woman back to this house? A woman? I got a chick last night.
A chick? She was in my class in school! I nearly died when I came down and saw her sitting there.
"Hello, Agnes.
" "Hello, teacher".
Do you want breakfast? Just a cup of tea, Mammy.
Are you in there? Yes! Mammy, you need to know.
I'm gay.
I love Dino, and I want the world to know.
Are you upset? Oh, Mammy, I knew you'd take it hard, but please try to think of my happiness.
Oh, Mammy! How can I be happy? Please try to think of me! Well, you can get off the feckin' floor for starters! Aaaagh! Aaaah! What is wrong with you? Mammy, I need to come out of the closet! You'll have to wait until Buster's finished to go in first! Rory! Rory, are you all right? What's wrong with him? Diarrhoea, I think.
Look at the head on you.
You had some to drink last night.
Look who's talking! You were as bad yourself.
I was, wasn't I! Here, I left me dick in the taxi.
Oh, no! There's a taxi going round Dublin somewhere now with two pricks in it! Are you ringing her to cancel? What? You invited Mrs Nicholson here to dinner on Friday night.
Sweet lovin' St.
Jude! What's wrong with Mammy? She only invited your future mother-in-law to dinner here Friday night.
No way! Way! What am I going to give her to eat, Dermot? You know better her than anyone.
What does she like to eat? I dunno.
You can see her face, can't you? When I go "I feel like chicken tonight".
And her expecting something fancy like tadpole's arseholes.
Oh, what am I going to do? I'll cook! Rory.
I love you dearly son, but you're the only man I know who can burn boiled eggs! Mammy, I'll get Dino from work to help me.
Dino from Wash and Blow? Dino was a chef before he was a stylist.
A chef! He's a Cordon Bleu! I couldn't give a shite what colour he is, as long as he can feckin' cook.
We're getting a chef.
We're getting a feckin' chef! The last time I had a chef in this house he put It's none of your feckin' business! Mammy, go easy on the drink! I'm waiting for an hour for her to ask me where the toilet is so I can show off me new toilet.
She's too posh to piss! All right Hillary? Well, actually.
I think I can smell gas.
No.
that's just him.
How's your drink, Hillary? It tastes like cider.
It is.
Bulmers.
I asked for champagne? Well, you can fuck off! I'll just check with the lads how the starters are coming.
Do you need to go anywhere? Oh, no.
no.
thank you.
I'm fine.
Almost ready, Mrs B! Has she asked to use the toilet yet? No.
I do wish you wouldn't stare at me.
I'll use it, Mrs B.
What, Dino? The toilet.
I'll use it.
Ah, no, Dino I need her to get You're right.
it's a great idea.
All you need to do is ask me where it is! Just give me a second then come in.
Nearly ready.
The boys are just finishing the Horses Doovers.
Excuse me, Mrs Brown.
Yes, Dino? Where is the toilet? Oh.
the toilet? Well, you could take your pick of the two.
The one upstairs or the on the on sweety over there.
Oh, that's handy.
Yes, it is handy.
Yes, it is.
I'll use that one.
Whichever you like! Two.
Psst! Excuse me a second.
What? Mrs Brown, I'm too big! Oh, If I had a pound for every man that said that.
Watch me.
Just watch.
Mammy! What's wrong? Dino is wearing suspenders! Oh, Rory.
I think he's a trans-testicle.
Mammy, there's something I have to tell you.
Not now love.
Just serve the meal.
But, Mammy I'm in shock, love! Just serve the feckin' meal! I hope you flushed that! We're ready now.
If you'd like to shit up.
Thank you, love.
Oh, this looks interesting.
What is it? It's called soup.
Oh, wait.
wait.
It's cold.
Mine is cold.
Hers is fuckin' cold! It's cold, Rory! Mammy.
it's gazpacho.
It's supposed to be cold.
Oh, don't be feckin' ridiculous.
Cold soup?! Take it back and tell Dino to heat it up.
Don't mind.
Just take it back and heat it up.
Heat it up, Rory.
I so sorry.
I say, Agnes.
Um.
What's for main course? Salmon.
Oh, my favourite.
Oh, good, cos we're getting a whole tin each.
I say Hillary.
Hillary, I believe your house was broken into? Yes, it was.
Oh, how furking awful.
Did the bisterds get anything? Sorry? The bisterds what done the broking inning, did they get anything? Yes.
yes.
They got the forking DVD.
DVD? The forking DVD? Ours is a Phillips.
They're probably all the same you know.
they're probably all German.
They just put a different name on them.
You can do anything with words, that's what my husband used to say.
He was great with words.
If the children were listening he'd spell them.
You know, he'd say, "Agnes do you want to go up S.
T.
I.
A.
R.
S" Ah! How nice! "for a fuck?" It's hard It's hard to think that there were five people living har.
Har?! What's fuckin' har? Well.
yes.
Heeyer in the house.
Heeyer in the hayse?! HERE in the HOUSE! How do your teeth not fuckin' fly out? No, Hillary.
You'd never take this five heeyer And you wouldn' know why yee be.
They could be anywah.
Even in fuckin' cupboards.
Excuse me a moment, please.
Rory, I can't take this any more! Mammy, what's wrong? Grandad is in the cupboard havin' a shit! Rory, we need a plan.
You get Grandad out of the cupboard and put him into the toilet.
I'll stop her from looking.
Right.
Dino.
Yes? You stay fuckin' here.
You can fuck off! Is everything all right? Yes, everything is beautiful, yes.
Do you like to sing? To sing?! # Oh, when the saints Go marching in.
Oh, when the saints go marching in.
Rory, the fag.
Get the fag.
I want to be.
You called, Mrs Brown? Oh, when the saints go marching in Oh, when the saints Go marching in.
Hey, hey, hey! We're finished all right.
Just drink.
Rory, get the door.
Have a drink! No.
no.
actually I've Oh! Have a fucking drink.
Mrs Brown.
Father Quinn! Mrs Murphy is dreadfully upset about your cabaret performance at her husband's funeral! Cabaret at a funeral?! No, it was a mistake.
It was a hen party.
We were having a hen party.
A hen party at a funeral! No, no.
It was a mistake! Oh, it was a mistake? Yes.
The long boots and the fishnet stockings? Fishnet stockings at a funeral?! Will you shut the fuck up! Mrs Brown! Mrs Murphy, it was a mistake! Look, if your husband had lived another day, there'd be no problem.
Mrs Brown, Rory has something important he needs to tell you.
Dino, I'm sure it's important.
Not now.
She is very upset, Mrs Brown.
Well, I just apologised Father.
What do you want? The burning at the stake? Mrs Brown, it really is important.
Do I have your attention? Yes! I am in the middle of a crisis.
I'm sure what you want to talk about is important, but not NOW! Look Father, I never meant to upset her.
Well, I'm sure you'll think of some way to make things up to Mrs Murphy.
I will, Father.
Right.
Mrs Brown More drink, Hillary? Have a drink! Mammy, how could you? He slipped, Rory.
Dino come back! He slipped.
You're a witness.
He feckin' slipped! Rory.
Rory Brown get back! He's gone out in that feckin' apron.
People will think he's a sissy! That's all I need.
Here's Maria.
Hello.
Hi, Mum.
Get me out of here! This is a mad house! Maria, darling, why wouldn't you listen to me? You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
Come, Maria, we are going home.
Maria! Mother, I am marrying Dermot Brown.
I will be Maria Brown.
I AM home! But these people are riff-raff! Oh, Mother! Maria.
Riff raff? The reason why you wouldn't recognise this, missus, is because this is a family.
Something you would know nothin' about.
And that girl is your daughter, she's not some dog in a bloody dog show! Good girl, Betty.
You took the words right outta me feckin' mouth.
And as for you, you 50 pence pole dancer.
Is that the very best you can do? No.
I feel sorry for the fuckin' pole.
I'll have you know we are the most respectable family on this street.
Grandad's gone! I'm up here! Yes.
Yes, I know.
Grandad? Oh, he's grand.
Just a small headache.
I just wanted to say thanks, Betty, for last night.
I was very proud of you.
All right, love.
Bye.
That was Betty.
So, Jacko didn't come home? No.
He's got a broken collar bone and his hip is out.
More feckin' surgery.
You must feel awful.
I blame the hospital, Agnes.
It was them that insisted I push him in a wheelchair.
I don't think they meant you to use the escalator.
Now I'll have to go to Dermot and Maria's wedding on me own.
No, you won't.
you'll be with me.
See you later, Agnes.
What a week.
Jacko in a heap at the bottom of the escalator.
Mrs Murphy upset by my little kiss-o-gram at her husband's funeral and Grandad shit a nuclear bomb.
Isn't life a feckin' rollercoaster? Goodnight!