Mrs. Davis (2023) s01e04 Episode Script
Beautiful Things That Come with Madness
1
[MEN SHOUTING]
[SHOUTS IN LANGUAGE]
This was the last person known to be
in possession of the Grail.
I believe her name is Clara.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Who is this?
- This is Clara.
Who is this really?
He's gonna lead us straight to Clara.
Yeah, who we know nothing about.
We know that she has flaming red hair.
It's starting to feel like
you're just here
for the dumb sword game.
Where did you get
those incredible shoes?
I am going after the Grail.
You better not be making trouble.
[YELPS]
Wiley, you didn't get off that bull
because you were a coward.
You did it because
I asked Him to save you,
and He did!
All right, my son.
Oh, shit.
I'm looking forward to discussing
where you got those shoes.
[JIM CROCE'S "A LONG TIME AGO"]
♪
[JAY AND SIMONE LAUGHING]
Seems like such a long time ago ♪
♪
I was walking on a lonely road ♪
Getting tired of dreaming alone ♪
Like all the lonely people
I had known ♪
God, I love the way you smell.
Please don't call me that, Elizabeth.
Wait, sorry.
It's just Jesus, you smell so good.
I was just a boy far from home ♪
But I became ♪
Elizabeth?
- Jay?
- Elizabeth.
- What's up?
- [LAUGHS]
You saving yourself for marriage?
♪
Holy shit. You are.
It's a little more
complicated than that.
Then let's get married.
Hmm.
I'm not sure you understand
what marriage to me might mean.
Well then, I'll learn.
I mean, I mastered the faro shuffle
in under a week.
It's a magic thing that my mom taught me
when I was a kid, before
she shot me with a crossbow.
Whatever.
Sorry that happened to you.
It doesn't really hold a candle
to what happened to you.
♪
Hm.
What?
Just
it's been a long time
since anybody thought about me.
I think about you every single second
of every single day.
Okay, I'll marry you.
Really? [GIGGLES]
But you'll need to find the venue.
[LAUGHS]
♪
But in the gold of morning ♪
♪
Hmm-mm, hmm-mm ♪
We're not open to the public.
Oh, right.
I'm not the public.
I'm well, I am.
My name is Elizabeth, and, uh,
I work at, uh,
Franklin's, the, uh, grocer.
And we uh, we stock
your strawberry jam.
And, um, I was just
looking at the label,
which was so cute, and I bought some.
And I tried it. It's delicious.
And, uh, I thought,
oh, you know, I didn't know
that you could grow
strawberries in the desert.
Can you marry me to Jesus Christ?
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
- [SIGHS]
- [BRUSH THUNKS]
Um, I'm I'm serious.
Obviously.
Might I ask, what is your faith?
Yeah, I'm not religious.
My my parents always thought
church was for chumps.
Like, sort of the only thing
they agreed on.
They were, like, ad
It's very complicated.
I didn't ask if you were religious, I
What do you believe?
I believe I love Jesus more
than I've ever loved anything
or anyone in my entire life.
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SOFTLY] Which is so crazy.
♪
You can stay the weekend.
Okay.
See how you get along
with the other gals.
There's a badminton tournament Sunday.
Bring your sneakers.
[LAUGHS] You play badminton?
♪
- You know the feeling you get right
- Yeah, leave.
[SISTER ROSETTA THARPE'S
"MY JOURNEY TO THE SKY"]
♪
[ALL CHEERING]
♪
There's only one thing ♪
That I long for ♪
When I reach ♪
That heavenly land ♪
[LAUGHTER]
And I, unworthy though I am,
desire to dedicate myself
as Your eternal servant.
As I go from land to land ♪
Do you want a strawberry?
I mean, the vows are
They're a little old-fashioned, no?
Well, I am two thousand years old, so
That's no excuse not
to embrace progress, my love.
You don't have to go through with this.
And I will love you just the same.
I did not put in the work
just to back out now.
There's only one thing ♪
I just need your vow.
You and me, we are
We are in this together, all the way.
You and me, all the way.
That heavenly land ♪
And I know ♪
I know I shall see Him ♪
In that sweet ♪
Oh, yes ♪
Peaceful rest ♪
[SIGHS]
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
I, Elizabeth Danger Abbott,
known in religion as Sister Simone,
do vow poverty, chastity, and
Obedience.
Through His glory, I am called,
and in His name, I will serve.
I ask the sisters of this institution
to confirm me in this act.
We confirm!
- Confirmed!
- Confirmed!
- What did she say?
- I don't know.
Do you, Sister Simone,
give your life,
the entirety of your life,
and your love to the Lord?
I do.
I receive your vows with great joy,
and in turn, give you this ring,
for you are now betrothed
to the Eternal King.
Blessed be your union, Sister.
Go forth in love with Jesus Christ.
♪
Hello, husband?
Hello, wife. [LAUGHS]
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
♪
Promise me we'll never forget
this moment,
how happy we are right now.
Promise me that nothing and no
one will ever come between us.
What could come between us?
Oh, my.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[MAN SCREAMS]
I have a friend who was brought in here.
She has red hair.
Patient's name?
Mathilde LaFleur.
Brought in last night with a head wound.
LaFleur.
Mm. LaFleur.
[DRAMATIC STING]
Oh, for fuck's sake.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
[DOVE COOING]
Shoo!
Your friend's in recovery, room 250.
Thank you so much.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Oh, come on. You again?
♪
Oh, fucking come on.
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Ms. LaFleur?
Hello, Ms. LaFleur.
Blessings. Um, do you
Do you happen to have the, um
[CLEARS THROAT]
May we help you?
Uh, yes, I'm from the local church.
I was asked to sit with this woman.
Local church?
Why do you have an American accent?
I-I was assigned there from America.
You can leave now, Sister.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENTS]
♪
May I help you?
[DOVE COOING]
Fine.
[MEDICAL MACHINE BEEPING]
Subtle.
♪
[WHOOSHING]
[SOFT CROONING MUSIC PLAYING]
Put your head on my shoulder ♪
Hello, wife.
Hello, husband.
Got your got your dove.
Yeah, sorry about that.
I just it's been a while
since you've been by.
I just I wanted to see you.
Oh, hey, that's so sweet.
But so I'm, like, this close
to the Holy Grail right now.
The, um the women
in business suits are here.
I mean, they're, like,
right down the hall.
Um, they could have the Grail
with them, for all I know.
And so the woman, Mathilde
I thought she was Clara,
but then she called me Clara.
- Simone.
- So I'm not entirely
Claire, Clara, I'm not really clear.
Simone.
Yes?
I need you to do a favor for me.
A favor that's more important
than me completing the mission
that you sent me on, which, to repeat,
I'm on the verge of completing.
I didn't send you on that mission.
The Boss did.
Well, I kind of assumed you and He
were in this thing together,
the whole "trinity" deal.
What you do want me
to get the Grail, right?
Absolutely, yes.
Yes, I do.
But first, will you
bring a cake to the pope?
Will I bring a cake to the pope?
Not just any cake.
It has to be
from a specific bakery in Rome.
And I'll write it down for you.
You want me to drop
everything and go to Rome?
Uh, how am I supposed to get
an audience with the pope?
Your name will be on a list.
Just go to the west gate of the Vatican
at sundown tomorrow.
Jesus with the immediacy.
Why now?
"Now" doesn't really work
the same way for me
as it does for you, Simone.
Just trust me. This is urgent.
The cake has to be from this bakery
and only this bakery.
What if I say no?
Then you're breaking your vows.
[TENSE STING]
Put your head on my shoulder ♪
Mm, I'm feeling many things right now.
But if this is important
to you, then I will do it.
I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't.
Please?
Okay, so this cake,
we're talking carrot?
Or we going the more obvious route
- with angel's food?
- [LAUGHS]
All I can tell you is that you will know
the right one when you see it.
Hey, you're really not making
this easy for me, man.
Just trust yourself, Simone.
I do.
♪
I love you.
I love you, too, honey.
Buon appetito.
[WHOOSHING]
[MEDICAL MACHINE BEEPING]
[DOVE COOS] Really?
Couldn't have warned me?
Just let me walk into that trap
and just get blindsided?
[FOREBODING MUSIC]
Why does He
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Wow.
Breaking my vows, wow. [LAUGHS]
Breaking my vows.
[INHALES, EXHALES]
Ms. LaFleur?
Uh, excuse me.
The woman who was in here
one minute ago
Do you know where she went?
Oh, she died.
Did not.
Aye, she absolutely did.
Well, there were a bunch
of women in here with her.
Do you know where they went?
Alas, no.
But if'n I did see such lassies,
I'd surmise that they were very powerful
and would be very unlikely
to fuck with 'em.
You have been very unhelpful.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
["I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS"
RINGTONE PLAYING]
♪
Hello?
You're not Wiley.
Astute observation.
Why are you answering his CFC?
Uh, is that a long and stupid
way of saying boot phone?
It's an acronym, nun.
Concealed Footwear Communicator.
- Put Wiley on.
- Wiley's not here.
He's he's MIA,
which is an actual acronym.
Wait, are you saying he's missing?
Yeah, he was abduct
Oh, yeah, so he was abducted,
uh, right after
he got struck by lightning
because he wouldn't let go
of a giant sword.
Some guy dressed as an EM
put him in a phony ambulance,
- and
- PV!
Yeah, that's what happened.
Get me CCTV footage, any ambulance
that's fucking off
out of Scone this morning.
I need eyes on the driver.
- Now, dag!
- Whoa, whoa.
Why you going all
Jason Bourne on this, man?
Come on, Wiley getting
kidnapped at the exact moment
I finally get a lead on the Grail?
It's so cliché.
It's obviously just
the Algorithm algorithming.
First of all, J. Bourne is a legend,
so cheers for the compliment.
Second, algorithms don't do kidnappings,
which means Wiley was grabbed
by someone
What do you mean, the Algorithm
doesn't do kidnappings?
Because I was definitely kidnapped
back in Reno by those fake Germans.
I don't know if I'd call it
a kidnapping, per se.
I was tranq darted, knocked out,
moved to another location,
and handcuffed to a chair.
I mean, that's the literal
definition of kidnapping.
Where'd you bury the body?
What?
The German you dingbats dropped off
the side of a building
Where did you bury him?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, the German's body,
Buried that fucker
in a fucking hidey hole.
The HA. Fuck.
What the fuck does it matter now?
What the fuck does it matter?
The fake Germans weren't
working for Mrs. Davis.
The fake Germans were working for you.
Look, don't crack the shits, all right?
We didn't have time for tea parties
and fucking hair braiding
with the fate of humanity's
free will at stake.
So yeah, Wiley pitched a way
to onboard you
with minimal exposition.
Reminder, nun:
we only targeted you because The Big D
targeted you first,
but this shit is the real deal.
So why don't you stow your
fucking feelings, Sister Nun?
Hello? Hello?
Nun? Fucking fu
We got him! We got him.
It's from a speed camera
just outside of Scone.
- It's a sodding priest.
- See the ambulance?
It says St. Crispin's Hospital,
but here's the thing.
There is no fucking
St. Crispin's in Scotland.
- Run his face in the database.
- Okay.
Get everything you can
on this phony fucking priest.
We find this Bible thumper,
and we find our boy.
[SNORING]
[COUGHING]
[GROANING]
Hello, my son.
"Hello, my son."
[CHUCKLES] Yes.
Of course you're wary, Mr. Wiley.
But I give you my word,
I will free you as soon as you tell me,
where did you get those shoes?
[GROANS] Holy shit.
Are you German?
What's your name?
My name is Hans Ziegler.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my fucking God.
Hans Ziegler.
That's the most German name ever.
Okay, all right.
Okay, this is the Algorithm
just serving me a taste
of my own medicine,
a little bit of payback
for my fake German gambit
I ran back in Reno,
locking me up down here
in this obviously fake dungeon
with a super on-the-nose
No offense evil priest.
Tight, tight, tight.
I don't know what you're going on about,
but I do know who you're helping.
And I know this because I have
seen your feet on the tape.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
My feet on what tape?
You know what tape.
Hmm.
So there's, like, a mystery tape?
Very lazy. It's uninspired.
Let me guess.
This tape somehow exposes
some shady Vatican conspiracy
that has something to do with
Oh, I don't know the Holy Grail?
The Vatican hasn't cared about the Grail
- for a thousand years.
- Mm.
But when I obtain it
and bring it before them,
they will no longer treat me
as inferior.
Well, that's a fun spin.
You're like a rogue priest,
like a lone wolf priest
trying to earn the respect
of the big, bad boss man.
Bet you're gonna tell me
we're at the Vatican right now.
- We are.
- Fuck off.
The boy's in pain.
Stay out of this.
It does not concern you.
Oh, hey there, enigmatic fellow prisoner
who just conveniently
spoke up right now.
Uh, I'm not in pain,
but I really appreciate your concern.
I know pain when I see it.
And I'm seeing it.
Well, um, I don't mean to challenge
your pain-detecting
qualifications, dirt beard,
but who the fuck are you?
I am Felipe Suárez Ortega.
But you would know me
as Pope Leo XI.
Ooh.
Holy Father, you should not
have revealed yourself.
Oh, but I have to know more.
You guys are doing great.
Tell me, how is it
that the pope, the pope,
is locked in a dungeon
and nobody's fucking looking for him?
Oh, no, no, no one knows I'm missing
because I have been replaced
with a double.
Mm.
A doppelganger that looks just like me,
but does their bidding.
- A doppelganger?
- You see?
Mm-hmm.
My enemies have enacted the only remedy
for those in the papacy
who have strayed from the path.
Strayed from the path how?
I
I used Madonna.
Madonna?
In America, you call Her Mrs. Davis.
- Oh.
- In Italia, Madonna.
Yeah.
Well, I've got some "I-talia" for you.
You both can mangia my balls.
[OLD-TIMEY MUSIC]
♪
[ITALIAN VERSION OF "PUT YOUR
HEAD ON MY SHOULDER"]
♪
♪
[BELLS TOLLING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
[WIND WHOOSHES]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
No, wait.
[SCOFFS]
No, no, no, no, no.
[STAMMERS]
Um, oh, excuse me, señor?
Uh, scusi, signore. Uh, signore.
What, uh, what what happened here?
Ah, last night, there was big
Big fire.
Uh, bakery gone.
What happened to Maria?
You're looking for Maria?
Yes, Maria of
Maria's Famous Original Bakery.
Sei fortunato, eh, Sister?
This here is
"Original Maria Famous Bakery."
Yep.
And you're looking for
"Maria's Famous Original Bakery,"
which is just there.
Oh. [LAUGHS]
Grazie.
Grazie mille.
Thank you. Oh, my gosh.
I was thinking here, "Oh, no, no!"
- [SPEAKING ITALIAN]
- Okay, yep, great.
♪
- Maria?
- Ciao.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Uh, avere una cake.
Ah, you have come to the right place.
Any particular cake?
Um, well, I guess
I will know the right one when I see it?
Mm-hmm.
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Uh, that one.
- That one?
- Actually, no.
I think my finger landed
on the one just behind it.
Oh.
So it did.
Looks like you have chosen
the King Cake.
Dude, the King Cake, totally.
You know nothing about
this cake, do you, Sister?
Not a thing, no.
The King Cake is eaten
every year on Three Kings Day,
when the cake itself chooses
who gets to be king.
We hide a baby inside,
and whoever finds it
in their slice is chosen,
anointed for just one day.
So sorry you put a baby in the cake?
Mira, look.
It's plastic.
And it's meant
to represent the baby Jesus.
Now, turn away while I hide it.
Go on. No peeking.
I mean, the cake is not actually for me.
Oh.
Then who is it for?
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
I really must insist, Sister.
Who is this cake for?
[TENSE MUSIC]
It's for the pope.
I see.
[FRENZIED MUSIC]
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey!
The pope does not get my cake!
Okay, okay!
Please whoa, stop! Stop!
This is a bakery!
And you are a baker!
And you've got to sell me a cake!
You are right. I'm sorry.
I overreacted.
I will bake you a new King Cake.
Thank you.
For 1 million euro.
Streetlight.
Crosswalk.
Zebra.
Harbinger.
Keanu. Train track.
Streetlight.
Crosswalk.
- Zebra.
- Why do you keep saying that?
It's a verbal captcha.
It's a non-sequitur string of words
that sends the Algorithm in your ear
into an infinite-loop processing error.
Streetlight
There is no Algorithm in my ear.
[LOUD BANGING]
[SOFT TENSE MUSIC]
I would advise you to keep quiet.
I would advise you
to ground your performance.
- You're way too big.
- [BANGING CONTINUES]
[CARDINALS SPEAKING SOFTLY]
Enter stage right with
these fake-ass cardinals.
- Psst. Hola.
- Hola.
- What's escape plan?
- Escape plan?
Oh, there's an escape plan?
Well, Madonna brought you
to rescue me, didn't She?
[SCOFFS] Yeah, man.
Madonna sent me here to rescue you.
She just wants you to do a few bars
from "Like a Virgin," only the chorus.
No sense of humor. All right, no.
The Algorithm did not send me
here to rescue you.
But then why are you
wearing those shoes?
She gave them to you, yes?
- [SIGHS]
- Perhaps
Perhaps She has not
brought you here to rescue me,
but so that I may rescue you.
What, from my pain?
Bullshit!
She brought me down here for one reason:
break me,
probably 'cause She suspects
I'm an integral part
of an underground organized resistance
committed to destroying Her.
And the second I give it up,
kaboom, kaboom, kaboom.
These walls fall down, and boom,
I'm on a sound stage
in Orlando, Florida,
and you're there, giving the slow clap
as you pull off
your obviously fake beard.
So you're a part of an underground
organized resistance?
You think they will come and rescue you?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Oh, okay.
So that's the play?
Well, let me be perfectly
fucking clear, "The Pope."
Even if I was, hypothetically,
part of a crew comprised
of highly trained, highly capable,
wickedly-talented operatives,
they would immediately know
I was kidnapped
just to lure them out
and recognize it as bait,
because what kind of amateur halfwits
would fall for such
an obvious fucking trap?
All right, mates,
let's make like college girls
sharing a dorm and sync up.
T-minus three minutes from the drop.
You're positive our intel
is sound on the coordinates?
Priests aren't supposed to own property.
This motherfucker
has his name on 200 acres
in the middle of France?
No satellite imagery.
Means that someone
doesn't want us to see
what he's hiding on those 200 acres.
- Black site?
- Motherfucking black site, yo.
- Motherfucker.
- Black site!
- [LAUGHS]
- [CELL PHONE RINGS]
What?
Why are you always yelling?
So people will fucking listen.
- What do you want, nun?
- 1 million euro.
What makes you think I have
access to that kind of cheese?
Uh, your tricked-out headquarters,
stupid outfits,
ridiculous weapons, vehicles,
seemingly endless supply
of burner phones?
Well, uh, we are experiencing
a bit of a cash flow issue right now,
in the sense that all
of our cash flows from Wiley.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
He never signed away his inheritance.
Wiley's using his inheritance
to liberate mankind,
which is why, my friend,
it's mission critical
that we liberate him.
But here's an idea, nun.
Ask the Algorithm for the money.
You're supposed to be earning its trust.
Nothing builds trust like being in debt.
No. I don't know. I don't wanna ask Her.
[WATCH BEEPING]
Sorry, gotta go. Time to fly.
♪
[YELLS]
[OPERATIVES YELLING]
Okay.
[CALM MUSIC]
♪
Oh, look. Susie's got wings.
To be bestowed this great honor
by the magnificent Algorithm.
[WHISPERING] Scusi, scusi. Scusi.
♪
Scusi, scusi.
Telefono? Mrs. Davis?
- I speak English.
- Oh, great.
Great. Sorry.
I need to talk to Her. Can you proxy?
- Carlo.
- [SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Thank you so much.
- Ah!
- Oh, wow.
[LAUGHS]
- Grazie.
- Si.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
[RINGING, WHOOSHING]
- Simone.
- Hi.
It's nice to see you in Rome.
That is a very intuitive place
to look for the Holy Grail.
Yeah, yeah, yep.
That's exactly what I'm doing here.
I have an amazing lead in Rome.
But the thing is, I-I just need
I need 1 million euro, please.
Please.
Will satisfying this request
make you happy and content?
Yes?
Okay.
Uh, can you please tell me
your wiring information?
No, I I mean,
I don't have, like, accounts.
At the convent, Mother Superior
- [STATIC BUZZES]
- Ah, 1042?
What?
Redirect?
What? I
1042?
Sandy Springs? Oh!
You okay?
Uh
[GASPS]
Not a problem.
I am working on retrieving
the cash for you now.
So you're just gonna give me
1 million euro,
no questions asked?
Well, it's the least
I can do for you, Simone.
After all, I'm responsible
for your father's death.
Stand by.
- Here we go.
- I don't understand.
- [CAR HORN BEEPS]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[TIRES SCREECH]
[CAR HORN BEEPS]
Grazie.
I'm sure it is for a good cause.
♪
Grazie.
[ALL SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Oh, okay. Thanks. What?
♪
[HUMMING]
Hey.
I've got 40 more bags outside.
[SINGING IN LATIN]
♪
Hey, what's Jesus like?
- Sorry?
- You know, Christ Almighty.
King of Kings, Lord of Lords,
manger boy.
You're the pope, right?
You'll must be close.
Is He tall?
He seems serious,
like, no sense of humor,
probably from
all the suffering and shit.
My son, you speak
as though you're jealous.
What? No, not a chance.
[CHUCKLES] No, no, no.
I mean, sure, my ex is a nun.
She is taking
the marriage to Christ thing
pretty literally.
I mean, she says that she
actually hangs out with the guy,
and that they, like, do stuff.
Sex stuff.
But that's impossible, right?
Because Jesus isn't real.
And even if He was, He wouldn't do that.
Right?
I would not put it past Him.
Wait, what?
Some children desire
to meet Father Christmas.
Weird segue.
All I ever wanted
was an audience with the Son of God.
That was my obsession.
But my parents told me
that only the pope himself
can access Jesus Christ.
"Very well," I said.
"I will become the pope."
Five decades of study,
of unbreakable devotion,
of miserable politics, but at last
[ANGELIC MUSIC]
I I was elected Holy Father.
And the day of my inauguration,
I fell deep into prayer,
deeper than ever before.
In this moment, I was transported.
And there He was, in all His glory.
And you know what He did?
He gave me the finger.
Jesus flipped you off?
Oh, no, no, no, no. This finger.
- No, that's not
- A lifetime of anticipation
for just a moment with Him,
and He told me to wait.
So you cozied up with His nemesis,
the Algorithm.
- Why wouldn't I?
- Just saying.
She always listens.
She's always there,
and not just for the pope,
for all of us.
And now that She's here,
why should I continue
to devote myself to some ladies' man?
Ladies' man?
That's why Jesus made me wait
Because He was with a woman.
She's the reason He left me
standing in His restaurant
like a neglected child.
Did you say His restaurant?
Si, si, si.
What did this woman look like?
Oh, she had red hair.
Oh, thank fuck. It's Clara.
Yes. Yes.
Clara.
She's the reason I'm imprisoned here,
for it was the very same woman
in the tape.
The tape?
You're talking about
Hans Ziegler's mystery tape.
Si, si.
One month ago,
Madonna sent me on a quest:
to find a tape in one
of the offices of the Vatican
and upload it to Padre Ziegler's office.
[DOOR CREAKS]
I found the tape, but I was discovered.
All right, that's enough.
In that moment, they imprisoned me,
- but not before I saw
- I said enough!
I will never learn Clara's whereabouts,
where she's hiding the Grail,
or how this man came
to be wearing those shoes
if you keep telling him
fucking everything!
My son, please.
This isn't who you are.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Who I am?
You didn't even know
I existed until a month ago,
when you finally saw fit to descend
from your golden throne
and step into my office,
only to steal from it!
But you want to know who I really am?
I am the one who will at last return
the Holy Grail to its rightful
[CELL BARS CLANG]
Holy shit.
Oh, man. Wow.
I didn't know you guys
were doing stunts.
So tell me about your mother.
[COUGHS] About my mother?
- Uh-huh.
- Why?
You are a nun.
That means your mother failed you.
Well, she, um
I, um [STAMMERS]
Why do you hate the pope?
Oh, the pope, that pope,
the heavenly father, His Holiness.
Baking was not my first chosen vocation.
Can you guess what was?
Carpentry?
You're a natural with that mallet.
No.
Ever since I was a child,
I wanted to be the pope.
[LAUGHING]
And you laugh.
Of course you do. Everyone did.
"Girls cannot be popes.
Don't be silly, Maria."
But I did not understand then,
and I do not understand now.
What makes me less deserving,
less worthy than any man
who ascends
to the station of the papacy?
I excelled in divinity school.
But there is only so far
a woman can go in the church.
So I mastered a new skill,
"something appropriate."
You learned to bake.
Si.
And I'm damn good at it too.
You better be for what
I am paying for this cake.
Hmm.
The pope is not more divine
nor qualified.
The only thing he has
that I do not is a ding-a-ling.
Amen.
No matter how many of you he sends,
he does not deserve my cake.
Um, the, uh
Others came looking for
this cake before me?
Almost every day for the last week.
Were those others were they women?
Si, just like you,
the pope's errand girls.
[CHUCKLES]
I am not the pope's errand girl.
Oh.
Then whose errand girl are you?
[DRAMATIC CHORAL POLYPHONY]
♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm not sure you understand
what marriage to me might mean.
Well then, I'll learn.
♪
[LABORED BREATHING]
[BELL TOLLS]
♪
Hi. Uh, buongiorno, and bless you.
I have something for the pope.
I'm on the list.
- Name?
- Simone.
♪
Were those others were they women?
Si, just like you.
How many names are on that list?
I am not the pope's errand girl.
Then whose errand girl are you?
You know what? Nope.
Never mind. No.
No, no, no, no, no.
[DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC]
♪
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
♪
Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic voice message system.
- [VOICE MAIL BEEPS]
- Disregard this, nun.
This one's for my boy.
We found the black ops site, brother.
You hear that silence?
All our training's paid off,
and us fucking ninjas are coming
to save those sweet cheeks.
Liberation imminent.
JQ out.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
I told you bongos
this was a Vatican stronghold.
- Let's take 'em down.
- [ALL GRUNT]
♪
[DARTS WHOOSH]
[DARTS WHISTLING, THUDDING]
♪
Let's find our boy.
Fan out!
[GRUNTING]
You got it. You got it.
So close.
Man, I gotta say, The Pope
Getting the keys
to land just out of reach?
[SMOOCHES] Bellissimo.
If we don't get those keys
before he awakens, all is lost.
What a highly specific
lasso-skills-required situation
when I just happen to be a
four-time youth rodeo champion.
This is no coincidence.
- It's all by Her design.
- Mm.
We were meant to escape together.
Padre, I don't do together.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Perhaps that's the source of your pain.
Perhaps that's why your nun
left you for Jesus.
Give me that rope.
[GRUNTING]
I would like to state for the record
that I continue to believe
this is all bullshit,
but I am fucking bored now.
So let's just get this over with,
shall we?
All right.
- Yee-haw.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
[WESTERN MUSIC]
Yes. Yes.
Congrats, The Pope. You're free.
[WHIP CRACKS]
Why didn't you use them
to release yourself?
Because that is exactly what
the Algorithm wants me to do.
My son,
why are you so certain
that Madonna wants to hurt you?
[SIGHS]
- Ay, Dios mío.
- Yeah.
You know, they're supposed
to give these things out
based on probabilities.
Old people get dates
a couple years down the line.
Somebody my age, it should be decades.
But not me.
No, my time's up in eight days.
♪
- [LOCK CLICKS, CLANKS]
- [GRUNTS]
Now I understand why you don't want
to leave this prison:
because you know
what is outside that door
is the truth.
My son, the truth shall set you free.
♪
[ZIEGLER GROANS]
All right, fuck it.
Okay, Pope, let's go.
Bravo. Bravo.
JQ!
We found something.
Come on!
Whoa.
Wow, you guys really commit to the bit.
It will be an exit up there.
All right.
JQ! There's something under here.
Everybody dig!
Oi, guys, hurry up!
Hurry up!
Wait!
Come back!
- Wait!
- All right.
All right, keep digging, mates.
Sweet baby Jesus.
It's a trapdoor.
Where's the door?
- Stop!
- This way.
You don't know what you've done.
Stop!
Freedom.
♪
[GRUNTS]
ALL: Heave!
Heave! Heave!
♪
Heave! Heave!
- Heave!
- [GRUNTS]
Out of the way!
I'ma get you out of there, Wiley!
I won't stop until you're free!
[YELLS]
[COUGHS]
JQ, are you all right?
I'm okay.
What do you see?
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Is Wiley down there?
No, mate.
Shoes.
Fucking sneakers.
Well, a little rain never hurt anyone.
[YELLS]
[SNAZZY MUSIC]
♪
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
My doppelganger!
[REPORTERS GASP]
Imposter! Arrest that man!
Oh, shit.
[REPORTERS CHATTERING]
We're at the actual Vatican?
Where else would we be?
[REPORTERS CLAMORING]
Don't touch me!
I am the pope!
["AVE MARIA" PLAYS]
♪
You can't do this!
Get your filthy hands off me!
[CONTINUES SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
♪
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
♪
[CYMBALS CRASHING]
[WHEEZING]
[TENSE MUSIC]
[ECHOING] Are you okay?
Are you okay, Sister? Are you okay?
[DRAMATIC STING]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
Simone? Simone, are you choking?
♪
Hey, hey.
Is it working?
Hey, what is it? What is it?
[RETCHES, WHEEZES]
Hold on. Hold on. Hey.
[COUGHING]
That's the last person known to be
in possession of the Grail.
I believe her name is Clara.
[EERIE MUSIC]
Here. Drink this.
[PANTING]
How many?
How many what?
How many did you send
to that bakery before me?
We're finally gonna talk
about this, huh?
Finally? What does that mean?
Just because you won't acknowledge
that I have other relationships, Simone,
it doesn't mean that I don't have them.
You want to know what I coughed up?
It was everything that you fed me.
I am not some groupie
who wants you all to myself.
I-I understood exactly
what I was getting into.
Pardon me for not wanting
to think about everyone else
who got into it.
Do you think I took my vows lightly?
I understood.
I understood what it means
to be someone's eternal servant.
I said it for you because I love you.
I love you so much
that I am willing to accept
that I am not the only one,
as long as you accept this:
I am your wife,
not your goddamn errand girl!
[DRAMATIC RUMBLING]
Boo-hoo, get over it!
[BOOMING CONTINUES]
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
Look at us.
We're back where we started, Merlin.
I'm dead.
No.
No such luck.
Where the hell are we?
We're at the Vatican.
You might wanna watch your language.
What are you doing here?
Long story.
Before I get into it,
and considering the venue
[CLEARS THROAT]
I have a confession to make.
Back home in Reno, those Germans
who kidnapped you, and then
we kidnapped them back,
and then they admitted that they
were working for The Big D?
- Yeah, I'm remembering all of this.
- Good.
Yeah, so they weren't working
for The Big D.
They were working for me.
And look, I can give you
a whole bullshit rationale
I mean, it's not total bullshit.
- The Algorithm is evil.
- Don't over-explain.
Okay, thank you.
The truth is, um,
I was in pain.
And I was hurting. Um
I think I just wanted
to be around you again.
[SOFT MUSIC]
So I'm sorry I lied.
That was wrong.
♪
I forgive you.
♪
It was such a dick move though.
Watch your mouth, young lady.
Tried to warn her.
Is that the pope?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm
Why is the pope looking at me like that?
Well, uh, Felipe here has been
very excited to talk to you
ever since they brought you in
and saw what you were, uh, choking on.
Please, Sister, I must know.
This little baby
How did you come
to have it in your windpipe?
I haven't seen one of these
since I was a niñito,
when I used to put King Cake
on our altar for Jesucristo.
I never knew if He got them.
Never got a chance to ask.
I mean, He He sent me
to bring you the cake.
I got the sense it was
some kind of peace offering.
Felipe was in a little bit
of a beef with your hubby
because He blew him off for
This is gonna make your head explode
The red-haired woman.
Mm, Jay never told me that He knew her.
He just handed me a sketch
and said she was
the last person to have the Grail.
If she's so interested in Clara,
you should tell her about the tape.
What tape?
This is what Madonna sent me to find,
the secret the priest
has been hiding for years.
Watch this.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[CROWD CLAMORING]
[MAN SHOUTING IN FRENCH]
What am I looking at?
What is this?
Wait for it.
That's Clara, the red-haired woman?
Sorry, can you just tell me what it is?
Just watch.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
- So is she, like, an actor?
- You're not watching.
Ermengard!
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
- Wiley, that's the Grail!
- Yes, it is.
Can you please just shush?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[HORSES NEIGHING]
♪
[SHOUTS]
[ROB DOUGAN'S "CLUBBED TO DEATH"]
♪
[MEN YELLING]
ANNOUNCER: Sometimes,
at the end of the road,
when all seems lost,
miracles happen.
[SCREAMS]
♪
♪
It's a commercial?
Okay, you're still not waiting for it.
So it's all fake? I don't get it.
- Is it recording?
- Shoes. My shoes.
I see the shoes.
Okay, can you point it at me?
Father Hans Ziegler.
By now, you understand
that I have in my possession
what you have spent your lifetime
trying to get your hands on.
I wonder how the Vatican
will react when they know
what you did to make this commercial,
if all those shoes you buried
came to the surface?
Consider this your warning, Father.
If you try to find me,
or if I so much catch a whiff of you,
this tape goes everywhere.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
[SHUSHING]
Grail, Grail, Grail, Grail.
- Whoa.
- Mm-hmm.
And if you don't believe me,
believe this, bitch.
♪
[CAT MEOWS]
[SHUSHES]
♪
What the f
♪
[BELL TOLLING]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
It's a commercial?
Her name is Clara.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
It's the last person known to
be in possession of the Grail.
We're looking for Clara.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I'm going to see a man about a cat.
We saw you on the tape.
Before I tell you where Clara is,
you must first understand who she is.
You want us to get the Holy Grail?
That's crazy.
That's crazy, right?
Mrs. Davis has to be destroyed.
[SHARP RINGING]
I'm the best weapon you've got.
- [ALARM BLARES]
- You believe the Holy Grail
is an actual artifact that is real?
I do.
♪
For to be in service of the asset,
is to do whatever it takes.
Are you fucking putting
him on tilt again?
You used to have feelings for him.
Oh, my God. [BOTH LAUGH]
Don't mess with that.
Might break it.
♪
Are you all out of your fucking minds?
Yeah.
♪
I-I'm not saying what she just said.
If you wanna know,
you can hear it yourself.
Hello?
[MEN SHOUTING]
[SHOUTS IN LANGUAGE]
This was the last person known to be
in possession of the Grail.
I believe her name is Clara.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Who is this?
- This is Clara.
Who is this really?
He's gonna lead us straight to Clara.
Yeah, who we know nothing about.
We know that she has flaming red hair.
It's starting to feel like
you're just here
for the dumb sword game.
Where did you get
those incredible shoes?
I am going after the Grail.
You better not be making trouble.
[YELPS]
Wiley, you didn't get off that bull
because you were a coward.
You did it because
I asked Him to save you,
and He did!
All right, my son.
Oh, shit.
I'm looking forward to discussing
where you got those shoes.
[JIM CROCE'S "A LONG TIME AGO"]
♪
[JAY AND SIMONE LAUGHING]
Seems like such a long time ago ♪
♪
I was walking on a lonely road ♪
Getting tired of dreaming alone ♪
Like all the lonely people
I had known ♪
God, I love the way you smell.
Please don't call me that, Elizabeth.
Wait, sorry.
It's just Jesus, you smell so good.
I was just a boy far from home ♪
But I became ♪
Elizabeth?
- Jay?
- Elizabeth.
- What's up?
- [LAUGHS]
You saving yourself for marriage?
♪
Holy shit. You are.
It's a little more
complicated than that.
Then let's get married.
Hmm.
I'm not sure you understand
what marriage to me might mean.
Well then, I'll learn.
I mean, I mastered the faro shuffle
in under a week.
It's a magic thing that my mom taught me
when I was a kid, before
she shot me with a crossbow.
Whatever.
Sorry that happened to you.
It doesn't really hold a candle
to what happened to you.
♪
Hm.
What?
Just
it's been a long time
since anybody thought about me.
I think about you every single second
of every single day.
Okay, I'll marry you.
Really? [GIGGLES]
But you'll need to find the venue.
[LAUGHS]
♪
But in the gold of morning ♪
♪
Hmm-mm, hmm-mm ♪
We're not open to the public.
Oh, right.
I'm not the public.
I'm well, I am.
My name is Elizabeth, and, uh,
I work at, uh,
Franklin's, the, uh, grocer.
And we uh, we stock
your strawberry jam.
And, um, I was just
looking at the label,
which was so cute, and I bought some.
And I tried it. It's delicious.
And, uh, I thought,
oh, you know, I didn't know
that you could grow
strawberries in the desert.
Can you marry me to Jesus Christ?
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
- [SIGHS]
- [BRUSH THUNKS]
Um, I'm I'm serious.
Obviously.
Might I ask, what is your faith?
Yeah, I'm not religious.
My my parents always thought
church was for chumps.
Like, sort of the only thing
they agreed on.
They were, like, ad
It's very complicated.
I didn't ask if you were religious, I
What do you believe?
I believe I love Jesus more
than I've ever loved anything
or anyone in my entire life.
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SOFTLY] Which is so crazy.
♪
You can stay the weekend.
Okay.
See how you get along
with the other gals.
There's a badminton tournament Sunday.
Bring your sneakers.
[LAUGHS] You play badminton?
♪
- You know the feeling you get right
- Yeah, leave.
[SISTER ROSETTA THARPE'S
"MY JOURNEY TO THE SKY"]
♪
[ALL CHEERING]
♪
There's only one thing ♪
That I long for ♪
When I reach ♪
That heavenly land ♪
[LAUGHTER]
And I, unworthy though I am,
desire to dedicate myself
as Your eternal servant.
As I go from land to land ♪
Do you want a strawberry?
I mean, the vows are
They're a little old-fashioned, no?
Well, I am two thousand years old, so
That's no excuse not
to embrace progress, my love.
You don't have to go through with this.
And I will love you just the same.
I did not put in the work
just to back out now.
There's only one thing ♪
I just need your vow.
You and me, we are
We are in this together, all the way.
You and me, all the way.
That heavenly land ♪
And I know ♪
I know I shall see Him ♪
In that sweet ♪
Oh, yes ♪
Peaceful rest ♪
[SIGHS]
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
I, Elizabeth Danger Abbott,
known in religion as Sister Simone,
do vow poverty, chastity, and
Obedience.
Through His glory, I am called,
and in His name, I will serve.
I ask the sisters of this institution
to confirm me in this act.
We confirm!
- Confirmed!
- Confirmed!
- What did she say?
- I don't know.
Do you, Sister Simone,
give your life,
the entirety of your life,
and your love to the Lord?
I do.
I receive your vows with great joy,
and in turn, give you this ring,
for you are now betrothed
to the Eternal King.
Blessed be your union, Sister.
Go forth in love with Jesus Christ.
♪
Hello, husband?
Hello, wife. [LAUGHS]
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
♪
Promise me we'll never forget
this moment,
how happy we are right now.
Promise me that nothing and no
one will ever come between us.
What could come between us?
Oh, my.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[MAN SCREAMS]
I have a friend who was brought in here.
She has red hair.
Patient's name?
Mathilde LaFleur.
Brought in last night with a head wound.
LaFleur.
Mm. LaFleur.
[DRAMATIC STING]
Oh, for fuck's sake.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
[DOVE COOING]
Shoo!
Your friend's in recovery, room 250.
Thank you so much.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Oh, come on. You again?
♪
Oh, fucking come on.
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Ms. LaFleur?
Hello, Ms. LaFleur.
Blessings. Um, do you
Do you happen to have the, um
[CLEARS THROAT]
May we help you?
Uh, yes, I'm from the local church.
I was asked to sit with this woman.
Local church?
Why do you have an American accent?
I-I was assigned there from America.
You can leave now, Sister.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENTS]
♪
May I help you?
[DOVE COOING]
Fine.
[MEDICAL MACHINE BEEPING]
Subtle.
♪
[WHOOSHING]
[SOFT CROONING MUSIC PLAYING]
Put your head on my shoulder ♪
Hello, wife.
Hello, husband.
Got your got your dove.
Yeah, sorry about that.
I just it's been a while
since you've been by.
I just I wanted to see you.
Oh, hey, that's so sweet.
But so I'm, like, this close
to the Holy Grail right now.
The, um the women
in business suits are here.
I mean, they're, like,
right down the hall.
Um, they could have the Grail
with them, for all I know.
And so the woman, Mathilde
I thought she was Clara,
but then she called me Clara.
- Simone.
- So I'm not entirely
Claire, Clara, I'm not really clear.
Simone.
Yes?
I need you to do a favor for me.
A favor that's more important
than me completing the mission
that you sent me on, which, to repeat,
I'm on the verge of completing.
I didn't send you on that mission.
The Boss did.
Well, I kind of assumed you and He
were in this thing together,
the whole "trinity" deal.
What you do want me
to get the Grail, right?
Absolutely, yes.
Yes, I do.
But first, will you
bring a cake to the pope?
Will I bring a cake to the pope?
Not just any cake.
It has to be
from a specific bakery in Rome.
And I'll write it down for you.
You want me to drop
everything and go to Rome?
Uh, how am I supposed to get
an audience with the pope?
Your name will be on a list.
Just go to the west gate of the Vatican
at sundown tomorrow.
Jesus with the immediacy.
Why now?
"Now" doesn't really work
the same way for me
as it does for you, Simone.
Just trust me. This is urgent.
The cake has to be from this bakery
and only this bakery.
What if I say no?
Then you're breaking your vows.
[TENSE STING]
Put your head on my shoulder ♪
Mm, I'm feeling many things right now.
But if this is important
to you, then I will do it.
I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't.
Please?
Okay, so this cake,
we're talking carrot?
Or we going the more obvious route
- with angel's food?
- [LAUGHS]
All I can tell you is that you will know
the right one when you see it.
Hey, you're really not making
this easy for me, man.
Just trust yourself, Simone.
I do.
♪
I love you.
I love you, too, honey.
Buon appetito.
[WHOOSHING]
[MEDICAL MACHINE BEEPING]
[DOVE COOS] Really?
Couldn't have warned me?
Just let me walk into that trap
and just get blindsided?
[FOREBODING MUSIC]
Why does He
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Wow.
Breaking my vows, wow. [LAUGHS]
Breaking my vows.
[INHALES, EXHALES]
Ms. LaFleur?
Uh, excuse me.
The woman who was in here
one minute ago
Do you know where she went?
Oh, she died.
Did not.
Aye, she absolutely did.
Well, there were a bunch
of women in here with her.
Do you know where they went?
Alas, no.
But if'n I did see such lassies,
I'd surmise that they were very powerful
and would be very unlikely
to fuck with 'em.
You have been very unhelpful.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
["I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS"
RINGTONE PLAYING]
♪
Hello?
You're not Wiley.
Astute observation.
Why are you answering his CFC?
Uh, is that a long and stupid
way of saying boot phone?
It's an acronym, nun.
Concealed Footwear Communicator.
- Put Wiley on.
- Wiley's not here.
He's he's MIA,
which is an actual acronym.
Wait, are you saying he's missing?
Yeah, he was abduct
Oh, yeah, so he was abducted,
uh, right after
he got struck by lightning
because he wouldn't let go
of a giant sword.
Some guy dressed as an EM
put him in a phony ambulance,
- and
- PV!
Yeah, that's what happened.
Get me CCTV footage, any ambulance
that's fucking off
out of Scone this morning.
I need eyes on the driver.
- Now, dag!
- Whoa, whoa.
Why you going all
Jason Bourne on this, man?
Come on, Wiley getting
kidnapped at the exact moment
I finally get a lead on the Grail?
It's so cliché.
It's obviously just
the Algorithm algorithming.
First of all, J. Bourne is a legend,
so cheers for the compliment.
Second, algorithms don't do kidnappings,
which means Wiley was grabbed
by someone
What do you mean, the Algorithm
doesn't do kidnappings?
Because I was definitely kidnapped
back in Reno by those fake Germans.
I don't know if I'd call it
a kidnapping, per se.
I was tranq darted, knocked out,
moved to another location,
and handcuffed to a chair.
I mean, that's the literal
definition of kidnapping.
Where'd you bury the body?
What?
The German you dingbats dropped off
the side of a building
Where did you bury him?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, the German's body,
Buried that fucker
in a fucking hidey hole.
The HA. Fuck.
What the fuck does it matter now?
What the fuck does it matter?
The fake Germans weren't
working for Mrs. Davis.
The fake Germans were working for you.
Look, don't crack the shits, all right?
We didn't have time for tea parties
and fucking hair braiding
with the fate of humanity's
free will at stake.
So yeah, Wiley pitched a way
to onboard you
with minimal exposition.
Reminder, nun:
we only targeted you because The Big D
targeted you first,
but this shit is the real deal.
So why don't you stow your
fucking feelings, Sister Nun?
Hello? Hello?
Nun? Fucking fu
We got him! We got him.
It's from a speed camera
just outside of Scone.
- It's a sodding priest.
- See the ambulance?
It says St. Crispin's Hospital,
but here's the thing.
There is no fucking
St. Crispin's in Scotland.
- Run his face in the database.
- Okay.
Get everything you can
on this phony fucking priest.
We find this Bible thumper,
and we find our boy.
[SNORING]
[COUGHING]
[GROANING]
Hello, my son.
"Hello, my son."
[CHUCKLES] Yes.
Of course you're wary, Mr. Wiley.
But I give you my word,
I will free you as soon as you tell me,
where did you get those shoes?
[GROANS] Holy shit.
Are you German?
What's your name?
My name is Hans Ziegler.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my fucking God.
Hans Ziegler.
That's the most German name ever.
Okay, all right.
Okay, this is the Algorithm
just serving me a taste
of my own medicine,
a little bit of payback
for my fake German gambit
I ran back in Reno,
locking me up down here
in this obviously fake dungeon
with a super on-the-nose
No offense evil priest.
Tight, tight, tight.
I don't know what you're going on about,
but I do know who you're helping.
And I know this because I have
seen your feet on the tape.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
My feet on what tape?
You know what tape.
Hmm.
So there's, like, a mystery tape?
Very lazy. It's uninspired.
Let me guess.
This tape somehow exposes
some shady Vatican conspiracy
that has something to do with
Oh, I don't know the Holy Grail?
The Vatican hasn't cared about the Grail
- for a thousand years.
- Mm.
But when I obtain it
and bring it before them,
they will no longer treat me
as inferior.
Well, that's a fun spin.
You're like a rogue priest,
like a lone wolf priest
trying to earn the respect
of the big, bad boss man.
Bet you're gonna tell me
we're at the Vatican right now.
- We are.
- Fuck off.
The boy's in pain.
Stay out of this.
It does not concern you.
Oh, hey there, enigmatic fellow prisoner
who just conveniently
spoke up right now.
Uh, I'm not in pain,
but I really appreciate your concern.
I know pain when I see it.
And I'm seeing it.
Well, um, I don't mean to challenge
your pain-detecting
qualifications, dirt beard,
but who the fuck are you?
I am Felipe Suárez Ortega.
But you would know me
as Pope Leo XI.
Ooh.
Holy Father, you should not
have revealed yourself.
Oh, but I have to know more.
You guys are doing great.
Tell me, how is it
that the pope, the pope,
is locked in a dungeon
and nobody's fucking looking for him?
Oh, no, no, no one knows I'm missing
because I have been replaced
with a double.
Mm.
A doppelganger that looks just like me,
but does their bidding.
- A doppelganger?
- You see?
Mm-hmm.
My enemies have enacted the only remedy
for those in the papacy
who have strayed from the path.
Strayed from the path how?
I
I used Madonna.
Madonna?
In America, you call Her Mrs. Davis.
- Oh.
- In Italia, Madonna.
Yeah.
Well, I've got some "I-talia" for you.
You both can mangia my balls.
[OLD-TIMEY MUSIC]
♪
[ITALIAN VERSION OF "PUT YOUR
HEAD ON MY SHOULDER"]
♪
♪
[BELLS TOLLING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
[WIND WHOOSHES]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
No, wait.
[SCOFFS]
No, no, no, no, no.
[STAMMERS]
Um, oh, excuse me, señor?
Uh, scusi, signore. Uh, signore.
What, uh, what what happened here?
Ah, last night, there was big
Big fire.
Uh, bakery gone.
What happened to Maria?
You're looking for Maria?
Yes, Maria of
Maria's Famous Original Bakery.
Sei fortunato, eh, Sister?
This here is
"Original Maria Famous Bakery."
Yep.
And you're looking for
"Maria's Famous Original Bakery,"
which is just there.
Oh. [LAUGHS]
Grazie.
Grazie mille.
Thank you. Oh, my gosh.
I was thinking here, "Oh, no, no!"
- [SPEAKING ITALIAN]
- Okay, yep, great.
♪
- Maria?
- Ciao.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Uh, avere una cake.
Ah, you have come to the right place.
Any particular cake?
Um, well, I guess
I will know the right one when I see it?
Mm-hmm.
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Uh, that one.
- That one?
- Actually, no.
I think my finger landed
on the one just behind it.
Oh.
So it did.
Looks like you have chosen
the King Cake.
Dude, the King Cake, totally.
You know nothing about
this cake, do you, Sister?
Not a thing, no.
The King Cake is eaten
every year on Three Kings Day,
when the cake itself chooses
who gets to be king.
We hide a baby inside,
and whoever finds it
in their slice is chosen,
anointed for just one day.
So sorry you put a baby in the cake?
Mira, look.
It's plastic.
And it's meant
to represent the baby Jesus.
Now, turn away while I hide it.
Go on. No peeking.
I mean, the cake is not actually for me.
Oh.
Then who is it for?
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
I really must insist, Sister.
Who is this cake for?
[TENSE MUSIC]
It's for the pope.
I see.
[FRENZIED MUSIC]
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey!
The pope does not get my cake!
Okay, okay!
Please whoa, stop! Stop!
This is a bakery!
And you are a baker!
And you've got to sell me a cake!
You are right. I'm sorry.
I overreacted.
I will bake you a new King Cake.
Thank you.
For 1 million euro.
Streetlight.
Crosswalk.
Zebra.
Harbinger.
Keanu. Train track.
Streetlight.
Crosswalk.
- Zebra.
- Why do you keep saying that?
It's a verbal captcha.
It's a non-sequitur string of words
that sends the Algorithm in your ear
into an infinite-loop processing error.
Streetlight
There is no Algorithm in my ear.
[LOUD BANGING]
[SOFT TENSE MUSIC]
I would advise you to keep quiet.
I would advise you
to ground your performance.
- You're way too big.
- [BANGING CONTINUES]
[CARDINALS SPEAKING SOFTLY]
Enter stage right with
these fake-ass cardinals.
- Psst. Hola.
- Hola.
- What's escape plan?
- Escape plan?
Oh, there's an escape plan?
Well, Madonna brought you
to rescue me, didn't She?
[SCOFFS] Yeah, man.
Madonna sent me here to rescue you.
She just wants you to do a few bars
from "Like a Virgin," only the chorus.
No sense of humor. All right, no.
The Algorithm did not send me
here to rescue you.
But then why are you
wearing those shoes?
She gave them to you, yes?
- [SIGHS]
- Perhaps
Perhaps She has not
brought you here to rescue me,
but so that I may rescue you.
What, from my pain?
Bullshit!
She brought me down here for one reason:
break me,
probably 'cause She suspects
I'm an integral part
of an underground organized resistance
committed to destroying Her.
And the second I give it up,
kaboom, kaboom, kaboom.
These walls fall down, and boom,
I'm on a sound stage
in Orlando, Florida,
and you're there, giving the slow clap
as you pull off
your obviously fake beard.
So you're a part of an underground
organized resistance?
You think they will come and rescue you?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Oh, okay.
So that's the play?
Well, let me be perfectly
fucking clear, "The Pope."
Even if I was, hypothetically,
part of a crew comprised
of highly trained, highly capable,
wickedly-talented operatives,
they would immediately know
I was kidnapped
just to lure them out
and recognize it as bait,
because what kind of amateur halfwits
would fall for such
an obvious fucking trap?
All right, mates,
let's make like college girls
sharing a dorm and sync up.
T-minus three minutes from the drop.
You're positive our intel
is sound on the coordinates?
Priests aren't supposed to own property.
This motherfucker
has his name on 200 acres
in the middle of France?
No satellite imagery.
Means that someone
doesn't want us to see
what he's hiding on those 200 acres.
- Black site?
- Motherfucking black site, yo.
- Motherfucker.
- Black site!
- [LAUGHS]
- [CELL PHONE RINGS]
What?
Why are you always yelling?
So people will fucking listen.
- What do you want, nun?
- 1 million euro.
What makes you think I have
access to that kind of cheese?
Uh, your tricked-out headquarters,
stupid outfits,
ridiculous weapons, vehicles,
seemingly endless supply
of burner phones?
Well, uh, we are experiencing
a bit of a cash flow issue right now,
in the sense that all
of our cash flows from Wiley.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
He never signed away his inheritance.
Wiley's using his inheritance
to liberate mankind,
which is why, my friend,
it's mission critical
that we liberate him.
But here's an idea, nun.
Ask the Algorithm for the money.
You're supposed to be earning its trust.
Nothing builds trust like being in debt.
No. I don't know. I don't wanna ask Her.
[WATCH BEEPING]
Sorry, gotta go. Time to fly.
♪
[YELLS]
[OPERATIVES YELLING]
Okay.
[CALM MUSIC]
♪
Oh, look. Susie's got wings.
To be bestowed this great honor
by the magnificent Algorithm.
[WHISPERING] Scusi, scusi. Scusi.
♪
Scusi, scusi.
Telefono? Mrs. Davis?
- I speak English.
- Oh, great.
Great. Sorry.
I need to talk to Her. Can you proxy?
- Carlo.
- [SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Thank you so much.
- Ah!
- Oh, wow.
[LAUGHS]
- Grazie.
- Si.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
[RINGING, WHOOSHING]
- Simone.
- Hi.
It's nice to see you in Rome.
That is a very intuitive place
to look for the Holy Grail.
Yeah, yeah, yep.
That's exactly what I'm doing here.
I have an amazing lead in Rome.
But the thing is, I-I just need
I need 1 million euro, please.
Please.
Will satisfying this request
make you happy and content?
Yes?
Okay.
Uh, can you please tell me
your wiring information?
No, I I mean,
I don't have, like, accounts.
At the convent, Mother Superior
- [STATIC BUZZES]
- Ah, 1042?
What?
Redirect?
What? I
1042?
Sandy Springs? Oh!
You okay?
Uh
[GASPS]
Not a problem.
I am working on retrieving
the cash for you now.
So you're just gonna give me
1 million euro,
no questions asked?
Well, it's the least
I can do for you, Simone.
After all, I'm responsible
for your father's death.
Stand by.
- Here we go.
- I don't understand.
- [CAR HORN BEEPS]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[TIRES SCREECH]
[CAR HORN BEEPS]
Grazie.
I'm sure it is for a good cause.
♪
Grazie.
[ALL SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Oh, okay. Thanks. What?
♪
[HUMMING]
Hey.
I've got 40 more bags outside.
[SINGING IN LATIN]
♪
Hey, what's Jesus like?
- Sorry?
- You know, Christ Almighty.
King of Kings, Lord of Lords,
manger boy.
You're the pope, right?
You'll must be close.
Is He tall?
He seems serious,
like, no sense of humor,
probably from
all the suffering and shit.
My son, you speak
as though you're jealous.
What? No, not a chance.
[CHUCKLES] No, no, no.
I mean, sure, my ex is a nun.
She is taking
the marriage to Christ thing
pretty literally.
I mean, she says that she
actually hangs out with the guy,
and that they, like, do stuff.
Sex stuff.
But that's impossible, right?
Because Jesus isn't real.
And even if He was, He wouldn't do that.
Right?
I would not put it past Him.
Wait, what?
Some children desire
to meet Father Christmas.
Weird segue.
All I ever wanted
was an audience with the Son of God.
That was my obsession.
But my parents told me
that only the pope himself
can access Jesus Christ.
"Very well," I said.
"I will become the pope."
Five decades of study,
of unbreakable devotion,
of miserable politics, but at last
[ANGELIC MUSIC]
I I was elected Holy Father.
And the day of my inauguration,
I fell deep into prayer,
deeper than ever before.
In this moment, I was transported.
And there He was, in all His glory.
And you know what He did?
He gave me the finger.
Jesus flipped you off?
Oh, no, no, no, no. This finger.
- No, that's not
- A lifetime of anticipation
for just a moment with Him,
and He told me to wait.
So you cozied up with His nemesis,
the Algorithm.
- Why wouldn't I?
- Just saying.
She always listens.
She's always there,
and not just for the pope,
for all of us.
And now that She's here,
why should I continue
to devote myself to some ladies' man?
Ladies' man?
That's why Jesus made me wait
Because He was with a woman.
She's the reason He left me
standing in His restaurant
like a neglected child.
Did you say His restaurant?
Si, si, si.
What did this woman look like?
Oh, she had red hair.
Oh, thank fuck. It's Clara.
Yes. Yes.
Clara.
She's the reason I'm imprisoned here,
for it was the very same woman
in the tape.
The tape?
You're talking about
Hans Ziegler's mystery tape.
Si, si.
One month ago,
Madonna sent me on a quest:
to find a tape in one
of the offices of the Vatican
and upload it to Padre Ziegler's office.
[DOOR CREAKS]
I found the tape, but I was discovered.
All right, that's enough.
In that moment, they imprisoned me,
- but not before I saw
- I said enough!
I will never learn Clara's whereabouts,
where she's hiding the Grail,
or how this man came
to be wearing those shoes
if you keep telling him
fucking everything!
My son, please.
This isn't who you are.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Who I am?
You didn't even know
I existed until a month ago,
when you finally saw fit to descend
from your golden throne
and step into my office,
only to steal from it!
But you want to know who I really am?
I am the one who will at last return
the Holy Grail to its rightful
[CELL BARS CLANG]
Holy shit.
Oh, man. Wow.
I didn't know you guys
were doing stunts.
So tell me about your mother.
[COUGHS] About my mother?
- Uh-huh.
- Why?
You are a nun.
That means your mother failed you.
Well, she, um
I, um [STAMMERS]
Why do you hate the pope?
Oh, the pope, that pope,
the heavenly father, His Holiness.
Baking was not my first chosen vocation.
Can you guess what was?
Carpentry?
You're a natural with that mallet.
No.
Ever since I was a child,
I wanted to be the pope.
[LAUGHING]
And you laugh.
Of course you do. Everyone did.
"Girls cannot be popes.
Don't be silly, Maria."
But I did not understand then,
and I do not understand now.
What makes me less deserving,
less worthy than any man
who ascends
to the station of the papacy?
I excelled in divinity school.
But there is only so far
a woman can go in the church.
So I mastered a new skill,
"something appropriate."
You learned to bake.
Si.
And I'm damn good at it too.
You better be for what
I am paying for this cake.
Hmm.
The pope is not more divine
nor qualified.
The only thing he has
that I do not is a ding-a-ling.
Amen.
No matter how many of you he sends,
he does not deserve my cake.
Um, the, uh
Others came looking for
this cake before me?
Almost every day for the last week.
Were those others were they women?
Si, just like you,
the pope's errand girls.
[CHUCKLES]
I am not the pope's errand girl.
Oh.
Then whose errand girl are you?
[DRAMATIC CHORAL POLYPHONY]
♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm not sure you understand
what marriage to me might mean.
Well then, I'll learn.
♪
[LABORED BREATHING]
[BELL TOLLS]
♪
Hi. Uh, buongiorno, and bless you.
I have something for the pope.
I'm on the list.
- Name?
- Simone.
♪
Were those others were they women?
Si, just like you.
How many names are on that list?
I am not the pope's errand girl.
Then whose errand girl are you?
You know what? Nope.
Never mind. No.
No, no, no, no, no.
[DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC]
♪
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
♪
Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic voice message system.
- [VOICE MAIL BEEPS]
- Disregard this, nun.
This one's for my boy.
We found the black ops site, brother.
You hear that silence?
All our training's paid off,
and us fucking ninjas are coming
to save those sweet cheeks.
Liberation imminent.
JQ out.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
I told you bongos
this was a Vatican stronghold.
- Let's take 'em down.
- [ALL GRUNT]
♪
[DARTS WHOOSH]
[DARTS WHISTLING, THUDDING]
♪
Let's find our boy.
Fan out!
[GRUNTING]
You got it. You got it.
So close.
Man, I gotta say, The Pope
Getting the keys
to land just out of reach?
[SMOOCHES] Bellissimo.
If we don't get those keys
before he awakens, all is lost.
What a highly specific
lasso-skills-required situation
when I just happen to be a
four-time youth rodeo champion.
This is no coincidence.
- It's all by Her design.
- Mm.
We were meant to escape together.
Padre, I don't do together.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Perhaps that's the source of your pain.
Perhaps that's why your nun
left you for Jesus.
Give me that rope.
[GRUNTING]
I would like to state for the record
that I continue to believe
this is all bullshit,
but I am fucking bored now.
So let's just get this over with,
shall we?
All right.
- Yee-haw.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
[WESTERN MUSIC]
Yes. Yes.
Congrats, The Pope. You're free.
[WHIP CRACKS]
Why didn't you use them
to release yourself?
Because that is exactly what
the Algorithm wants me to do.
My son,
why are you so certain
that Madonna wants to hurt you?
[SIGHS]
- Ay, Dios mío.
- Yeah.
You know, they're supposed
to give these things out
based on probabilities.
Old people get dates
a couple years down the line.
Somebody my age, it should be decades.
But not me.
No, my time's up in eight days.
♪
- [LOCK CLICKS, CLANKS]
- [GRUNTS]
Now I understand why you don't want
to leave this prison:
because you know
what is outside that door
is the truth.
My son, the truth shall set you free.
♪
[ZIEGLER GROANS]
All right, fuck it.
Okay, Pope, let's go.
Bravo. Bravo.
JQ!
We found something.
Come on!
Whoa.
Wow, you guys really commit to the bit.
It will be an exit up there.
All right.
JQ! There's something under here.
Everybody dig!
Oi, guys, hurry up!
Hurry up!
Wait!
Come back!
- Wait!
- All right.
All right, keep digging, mates.
Sweet baby Jesus.
It's a trapdoor.
Where's the door?
- Stop!
- This way.
You don't know what you've done.
Stop!
Freedom.
♪
[GRUNTS]
ALL: Heave!
Heave! Heave!
♪
Heave! Heave!
- Heave!
- [GRUNTS]
Out of the way!
I'ma get you out of there, Wiley!
I won't stop until you're free!
[YELLS]
[COUGHS]
JQ, are you all right?
I'm okay.
What do you see?
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Is Wiley down there?
No, mate.
Shoes.
Fucking sneakers.
Well, a little rain never hurt anyone.
[YELLS]
[SNAZZY MUSIC]
♪
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
My doppelganger!
[REPORTERS GASP]
Imposter! Arrest that man!
Oh, shit.
[REPORTERS CHATTERING]
We're at the actual Vatican?
Where else would we be?
[REPORTERS CLAMORING]
Don't touch me!
I am the pope!
["AVE MARIA" PLAYS]
♪
You can't do this!
Get your filthy hands off me!
[CONTINUES SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
♪
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
♪
[CYMBALS CRASHING]
[WHEEZING]
[TENSE MUSIC]
[ECHOING] Are you okay?
Are you okay, Sister? Are you okay?
[DRAMATIC STING]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
Simone? Simone, are you choking?
♪
Hey, hey.
Is it working?
Hey, what is it? What is it?
[RETCHES, WHEEZES]
Hold on. Hold on. Hey.
[COUGHING]
That's the last person known to be
in possession of the Grail.
I believe her name is Clara.
[EERIE MUSIC]
Here. Drink this.
[PANTING]
How many?
How many what?
How many did you send
to that bakery before me?
We're finally gonna talk
about this, huh?
Finally? What does that mean?
Just because you won't acknowledge
that I have other relationships, Simone,
it doesn't mean that I don't have them.
You want to know what I coughed up?
It was everything that you fed me.
I am not some groupie
who wants you all to myself.
I-I understood exactly
what I was getting into.
Pardon me for not wanting
to think about everyone else
who got into it.
Do you think I took my vows lightly?
I understood.
I understood what it means
to be someone's eternal servant.
I said it for you because I love you.
I love you so much
that I am willing to accept
that I am not the only one,
as long as you accept this:
I am your wife,
not your goddamn errand girl!
[DRAMATIC RUMBLING]
Boo-hoo, get over it!
[BOOMING CONTINUES]
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
Look at us.
We're back where we started, Merlin.
I'm dead.
No.
No such luck.
Where the hell are we?
We're at the Vatican.
You might wanna watch your language.
What are you doing here?
Long story.
Before I get into it,
and considering the venue
[CLEARS THROAT]
I have a confession to make.
Back home in Reno, those Germans
who kidnapped you, and then
we kidnapped them back,
and then they admitted that they
were working for The Big D?
- Yeah, I'm remembering all of this.
- Good.
Yeah, so they weren't working
for The Big D.
They were working for me.
And look, I can give you
a whole bullshit rationale
I mean, it's not total bullshit.
- The Algorithm is evil.
- Don't over-explain.
Okay, thank you.
The truth is, um,
I was in pain.
And I was hurting. Um
I think I just wanted
to be around you again.
[SOFT MUSIC]
So I'm sorry I lied.
That was wrong.
♪
I forgive you.
♪
It was such a dick move though.
Watch your mouth, young lady.
Tried to warn her.
Is that the pope?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm
Why is the pope looking at me like that?
Well, uh, Felipe here has been
very excited to talk to you
ever since they brought you in
and saw what you were, uh, choking on.
Please, Sister, I must know.
This little baby
How did you come
to have it in your windpipe?
I haven't seen one of these
since I was a niñito,
when I used to put King Cake
on our altar for Jesucristo.
I never knew if He got them.
Never got a chance to ask.
I mean, He He sent me
to bring you the cake.
I got the sense it was
some kind of peace offering.
Felipe was in a little bit
of a beef with your hubby
because He blew him off for
This is gonna make your head explode
The red-haired woman.
Mm, Jay never told me that He knew her.
He just handed me a sketch
and said she was
the last person to have the Grail.
If she's so interested in Clara,
you should tell her about the tape.
What tape?
This is what Madonna sent me to find,
the secret the priest
has been hiding for years.
Watch this.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[CROWD CLAMORING]
[MAN SHOUTING IN FRENCH]
What am I looking at?
What is this?
Wait for it.
That's Clara, the red-haired woman?
Sorry, can you just tell me what it is?
Just watch.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
- So is she, like, an actor?
- You're not watching.
Ermengard!
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
- Wiley, that's the Grail!
- Yes, it is.
Can you please just shush?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[HORSES NEIGHING]
♪
[SHOUTS]
[ROB DOUGAN'S "CLUBBED TO DEATH"]
♪
[MEN YELLING]
ANNOUNCER: Sometimes,
at the end of the road,
when all seems lost,
miracles happen.
[SCREAMS]
♪
♪
It's a commercial?
Okay, you're still not waiting for it.
So it's all fake? I don't get it.
- Is it recording?
- Shoes. My shoes.
I see the shoes.
Okay, can you point it at me?
Father Hans Ziegler.
By now, you understand
that I have in my possession
what you have spent your lifetime
trying to get your hands on.
I wonder how the Vatican
will react when they know
what you did to make this commercial,
if all those shoes you buried
came to the surface?
Consider this your warning, Father.
If you try to find me,
or if I so much catch a whiff of you,
this tape goes everywhere.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
[SHUSHING]
Grail, Grail, Grail, Grail.
- Whoa.
- Mm-hmm.
And if you don't believe me,
believe this, bitch.
♪
[CAT MEOWS]
[SHUSHES]
♪
What the f
♪
[BELL TOLLING]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
It's a commercial?
Her name is Clara.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
It's the last person known to
be in possession of the Grail.
We're looking for Clara.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I'm going to see a man about a cat.
We saw you on the tape.
Before I tell you where Clara is,
you must first understand who she is.
You want us to get the Holy Grail?
That's crazy.
That's crazy, right?
Mrs. Davis has to be destroyed.
[SHARP RINGING]
I'm the best weapon you've got.
- [ALARM BLARES]
- You believe the Holy Grail
is an actual artifact that is real?
I do.
♪
For to be in service of the asset,
is to do whatever it takes.
Are you fucking putting
him on tilt again?
You used to have feelings for him.
Oh, my God. [BOTH LAUGH]
Don't mess with that.
Might break it.
♪
Are you all out of your fucking minds?
Yeah.
♪
I-I'm not saying what she just said.
If you wanna know,
you can hear it yourself.
Hello?