Mulligan (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[whimsical music playing]
[water splashes]
[stuffed animal]
I don't wanna go to Earth.
Coleman, send the little boat to get me.
Coleman? Nah, there's no Coleman here.
Haha, very funny. Trading Places.
Come on. I'm sick of this stupid country.
I just wanna take a shower,
get in my jammies,
put on a porno, and shoot some dolphins.
Sorry, mate,
you must have the wrong yacht.
You know that's my yacht, Coleman.
I'm the one who pays you.
From what me and the Sheilas can tell,
money's not really a fair suck anymore.
On your bike, mate.
[Zhao] What?
No, come back!
My watch collection is on there!
[rave music playing faintly]
[theme music playing]
[board squeaking]
Mr. President, why did I
have to hear about this in the news?
There's two times as many ladies
as fellows now.
But no one could ever replace my Eufie.
What's the problem? It's awesome.
No, sir. Our new demographics
do not fill me with awe.
They fill me with eek.
We men are outnumbered.
What will America's fairer sex
do with that power?
I shudder to think.
And now I'm thinking on it.
[shudders]
It's a big one.
Huh. Yeah, you know, growing up,
I had five sisters, all named Megan,
and if they ganged up, I was screwed.
We spent my 10th birthday
shoplifting at Limited Too.
I wanted to shoplift at GameStop.
Well, now think what 800 Megans
could do to this country.
I shudder to.
Federal funding for menstrual belts,
bosoms on Mount Rushmore.
No, what we need is a wedge issue
to keep them from uniting.
God, guns, and gays are the classics,
as immortalized on the ceiling
in the Oval Office if you'll just look up.
There you see Jesus
giving muskets to the pilgrims
to fight off a boat
full of Oscar Wildeses.
It's allegorical. There's also a dinosaur.
How did I never notice that?
Why, if we can find the right distraction,
then the estrogenious electorate
will be too busy fighting each other
to interfere with our own
testosteronious plans.
Right. Like how I'd get the Megans
one ticket to New Kids.
And while they were fighting over it,
I'd sneak into their room
and practice bras.
Well, now you're on the trolley.
Women are a lot like crows, sir.
You give 'em something shiny,
they'll peck each other to death over it.
- Something like a stamp.
- [banjo strums]
He is not messing with you girls.
This is for real,
but obviously,
only one woman can be on it.
And what an honor this honor is.
Gosh, imagine being on a stamp,
like the word "forever."
Boy, stamps sure bring me back.
You know, Rick James fired me
from his tour by certified mail.
This is so cool.
I know I wasn't invited to this meeting,
but stamps! [chuckles]
I'm something of a philatelist.
Okay, I have work to do.
I've gotten nowhere
on decontaminating the tap water,
so I'm working on
an aerosolized hallucinogen
that will trick people
into drinking Dasani.
We're all busy, Farrah,
but this is important. And it'll be fun.
It's frivolous and insipid. A stamp?
There isn't even a post office.
It's just that lady on a horse.
- Valpaks, citizens!
- [patriotic music plays]
- I deliver hope!
- [horse whinnies]
Ya!
Maybe I could help with the design!
I mean, designing stamps has always
just been a hobby for me, but
Ooh, did that art supply store
in Dupont Circle survive?
I'll be right back.
Representation matters, Dr. Braun.
When I was a little girl,
Angela Perez Baraquio
became the first Asian-American
Miss America, and that inspired me
To be a beauty queen?
Yeah, let's encourage more of that.
[Dr. Braun groans]
I've gotta get back to the lab.
I can't possibly cram anything else in,
especially something this pointless.
In bed. [chuckles]
Hey, the president just made a joke.
Respect the office.
Well, of course, sir. In bed. Very funny.
It's just, uh, a bit of a thinker,
but now that I get it
[laughs]
mirth!
Hey, folks, are you a lady,
or know someone who is?
Do the stamp contest!
Coming up next, a bumpy road.
[Zhao shivering]
- [groans]
- Hey, suit, no loitering!
You think I wanna be here?
I should be on my yacht.
It's called Kiss My Boat.
I paid someone a million dollars
to come up with that for me.
So you don't got a job?
No, this is my job.
I'm at the money-burning office, idiot.
- [man grunts]
- [Zhao yelps]
You almost done cleaning up your mess?
Most of this isn't mine, you know.
I don't smoke Kools.
[Axatrax groans]
On my planet,
we have a thing called a chore wheel.
It crushes those
who do not complete their chores.
You [yelps]
Have a nice trip. See you next fall.
Huh? [laughs]
Okay, that is hilarious.
Did you just come up with that?
Yeah, I just came up with it.
Well, thank you for the laugh.
Hey, uh, put back that cheese,
'cause it's na-cho cheese.
[laughs]
You, sir, are on fire.
Yeah, I'm pretty quick.
In bed.
[laughs]
[chuckles] I'm not though.
[Axatrax laughing, screeching]
[chittering]
No!
[Dr. Braun sighs]
- [Lucy] Knock, knock.
- Oh good. You said it and did it.
Um, you know what, Farrah?
Nice isn't just a city in France.
It's also a thing you can be,
and you weren't it.
What?
You were mean,
but I'm not giving up on this friendship.
So we are having a girls' day out.
I got us tickets
to that play that's still running.
Oh, it's Annie. I took my kids.
It really doesn't hold up post-attack.
Your dog, huh? So, what's his name?
- Okay, let's see him answer to his name.
- [audience member cries]
We don't have to be friends
just because we're women.
My first postdoc fellowship
back in the '90s
I had a class on the '90s in high school.
Cool. Anyway, there was only
one other woman in the lab,
so of course they stuck us together.
We had funding from the military
to see if we could train chimps
to use flamethrowers.
The Geneva Convention makes assumptions
about combatants being human.
It was kind of an Air Bud situation.
1997. Air Bud was on the final.
[Dr. Braun] Vicky was a primatologist,
and I'm a biotech neuroengineer,
but since we both had two X chromosomes,
she thought we should be BFFs.
Maybe if she'd spent more time
doing her job
and less time bonding about
what a boys' club ape research is,
she would have remembered
to constipate the chimps
before a visit from the president.
Oh man. Sheesh.
Last I heard of Vicky,
she was writing for the "science section"
of The New York Times.
So that's how you see me?
Like I'm just some dumb work acquaintance?
[groans] I'm just saying,
I'm under a lot of pressure
to fix everything
in the whole world right now,
and I'm not sure female friendship
is gonna help me do that. Sorry.
[TOD-209] TOD caught more rats for Dasani.
Poor rats.
But if you need a woman
to be friends with,
we don't technically know TOD's gender.
[TOD-209] Wait, what?
Voice modulator
[female TOD-209] recalibrated?
There you go. Have fun at brunch.
Fine. We will.
We'll have a great time together.
TOD, your brain looks so good today.
[female TOD-209] Really? TOD can't
do anything with it in this humidity.
- [Matty] Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Boo.
- Boo? Who?
Why are you crying, bro?
[laughs]
Hey, you like math?
[Axatrax] What is this integer?
One percent of the number of human deaths?
I guess that is kind of funny.
Whoopsie. It's upside down.
[Axatrax] "Boobless."
Out of numbers.
You are a regular Jeeblort Goldfarb.
He's a Cardibean comedian.
He does this bit on spaceship food
I actually just flew in earlier,
and boy, are my arms tired.
[laughs]
I'm like so random.
So, what skills you got, Mr. Zhao?
Uh, I run Zhao Enterprises.
Soccer teams, horse racing,
dog food, Chinese Netflix.
Okay, cool. But we're fixing,
like, a whole city.
Can you do trains or or pipes?
[grunts] These hands ain't never done
a day of work, sir.
I feel like I'm dancing
with a marshmallow lady.
Do you have any idea who I am?
I'm Johnny Zhao. I went to Wharton.
My dad got me an internship
with Chairman Xi himself.
I spent the summer personally censoring
all images of Winnie the Pooh
off the Internet.
He gave me a medal.
[in Mandarin] Thank you, Chairman Xi!
You don't look like him at all.
[in English] Oh, you're fancy.
Then you should probably
work someplace fancy.
I've seen this before. My cleaning lady
is, like, obsessed with these things.
Why are you giving it to me?
[Zhao grunts, groans]
Careful handling the glorb sac.
The what?
[yelps, groans]
You got glorbed! [chuckling]
[children speaking indistinctly]
You're testing the pH levels, right?
We learned about that in school
before my teacher burnt.
Oh, are you interested in science?
I could use some help.
- Oh, sure.
- Style section.
Want beachy waves like our First Lady?
The secret is glorb sac juice.
Whoa!
Breaking news! My seat broke! [chuckles]
I want beachy waves like Lucy.
There's a glorb sac over there.
- [groans] Come on.
- Now I'm gonna win the stamp contest.
[groans]
[banjo strums]
Johnny, you're still here.
But where's your friend,
suitcase full of money?
I burned her to stay warm.
I've never been cold before.
It's terrible.
And wiping your own ass is disgusting.
Do you know what comes out of there?
[groans] You gotta help me, man.
What happened to your beautiful
marshmallow-lady hands?
Your stupid army is making me clean up
your stupid streets,
and I got paid in barbecue sauce packets
and a quarter.
What am I supposed to with a quarter?
Even before?
Johnny, if money were still a thing,
and you were still a donor,
why, you could barge in here and defile me
and my office in whatever way you saw fit.
But you're just a human being now,
so I'm not sure
how the government can help you.
You can give me a cushy job.
Can I be ambassador to some country
that blew up, like Crambada?
I don't know things. I went to Wharton.
Look, we're all having a tough time.
I mean, I found out yesterday
the world is mostly women.
But did I go crying to Mama? No.
I gave her her milk, put her to bed,
then got to work fixing the problem.
Your mother's alive?
You need to focus on pulling yourself up
by your bootstraps.
Don't send me back out there.
[LaMarr] I'll be happy
to help you, Johnny,
just as soon as you are once again
in a position to help me in return.
One hand washes the other.
That doesn't mean anything to me.
I had a hand-washing guy
who lived in my sink.
Okay, bye now.
Ladies, thank you all for coming
to this very important stamp thing.
Now, while there can only be one winner,
there will be many, many losers.
So let's not let this contest
sow discord among you.
I don't wanna see ya'll
tearing each other's wigs off
like a Black Friday sale at one
of the many Dress Barn franchises I own.
I will enter the stamp contest.
Why'd you say it like that?
Bitch, I don't know your life.
But you said this was stupid.
I believe the words
were "insipid" and "frivolous."
But, Lucy, you think that this thing
is totally sipid and full of frivol.
Yeah, Farrah, I thought you had
more important things to do.
Well, I realized it is important
to give kids a good role model.
Someone who reads books
that weren't written by a Kardashian.
Um, technically, Brody Jenner
isn't a Kardashian.
I guess somebody here
just looks like a librarian.
[Matty] Oh!
Ladies, please.
It's already gonna be hard enough
to choose a stamp face
from all these lovely and ugly options.
We value all kinds.
Well, your decision
shouldn't be based on appearance.
It should be based on merit.
So I think we should each write an essay
Oh, Farrah, that idea is dumb and unfair.
Is this Christmas?
Because the Claus are out.
Obviously, a words contest
helps Dr. Braun.
So I think we should all get to show off
what we do best.
- Wanda can sing.
- Okay.
I can talk about world peace
in a bathing suit.
I can chug a whole gallon of milk.
It doesn't have to be fresh.
Oh, so this is just a full-on pageant now?
Well, I think that's a wonderful idea.
We'll do it out on the mall
so the victory and shame could be public.
We'll need a male host
so it's not just chaos up there.
President Mulligan should do it.
He is hilarious. He came up with a joke
on a calculator. The
[Matty] Da, da, da, da!
Don't say it, 'cause I'm probably
gonna use that joke at the pageant.
Axatrax, may I speak with you?
You folks are in for a treat.
You did not come up with those jokes?
I take back my laughter.
No way, no take-backs.
But now, thanks to you,
I gotta host a whole pageant.
You gotta help me out here, Axie.
How? I obviously don't know Earth humor.
Exactly. But no one here
knows Cardi-B jokes.
You want to steal Jeeblort Goldfarb's act.
Down to the last snorg.
Did you just try to guess
our word for joke?
Was I close?
Yes. But why should I help you?
Because I know your arms grow back.
I would be happy to help.
[Vance] Hey, it's the morning news!
What's everyone wearing
to the stamp pageant?
Local news personality Vance Barry
will be wearing this.
In other news, my seat's still broke.
Owie, ow, ow, ow.
- [rave music playing]
- [Coleman chuckles] Nice.
That should be me out there.
Not the boat, one of the people on it.
Hey, college, get to work!
So where in Russia are you from?
Coleman, wait, I'm coming!
[breathing heavily]
[grunts]
[screaming, straining]
I don't have my water wings!
Who has my water wings?
[dramatic music playing]
[bubbling]
[exhales]
- [gentle music playing]
- Uncle Xi? You saved me.
But what do I do now?
You can do anything.
[Winnie the Pooh] Even nothing.
Yes. Thank you, Xi Dada.
I can do anything.
[whimsical music plays]
[Winnie the Pooh]
I sure like honey in my tummy.
[Zhao] No duh.
It's one of the things
everyone knows about you.
Damn it. Where is TOD?
[female TOD-209 and Lucy chuckling]
- [Lucy] Oh, TOD.
- [female TOD-109] We are bonding.
[Lucy] Boop! [chuckles]
- What do you think you're doing?
- [female TOD-209] TOD owning sexuality.
TOD thinks smoky eye for pageant.
No, this is getting ridiculous.
I'm gonna switch you back.
Excuse me,
that's TOD's voice modulator knob.
TOD can choose for him or herself.
No, TOD can't.
Go back to the lab,
and clean your brain tank.
[dramatic music plays]
[female TOD-209]
No, TOD want to stay with Lucy.
Lucy say TOD's brain stem look toned,
like in magazine.
- [Dr. Braun] Agh!
- Hey, you told TOD to go with me.
What do you care anyway?
I thought you didn't need friends.
Okay, sure. You know what?
I know you think this is your "milieu"
[Lucy] I do?
but you're messing
with the wrong scientist.
[gasps] Ooh, I'm so scared.
Well, you should be,
because you know who else was a scientist?
Robert Oppenheimer.
I mean, the bad guy
from Sonic the Hedgehog.
- [gasps]
- [dramatic sting]
The wedge.
It may be my least favorite salad
and shoe,
but it's my most favorite this. Whatever.
Who am I talking to?
[Dr. Braun] Right. Hm. Okay, Lucy,
how'd you like a sonic cannon
to make you lose control of your bowels?
Or an electrified net
to make you lose control of your bowels?
Or a laxative gas
God, Rumsfeld was, like, obsessed.
Mm-hmm.
[suspenseful music playing]
[gun cocks]
- [gun fires]
- [Lucy] Ooh.
[gurgling]
[groans] I feel weird.
- [crowd gasps]
- [indistinct chatter]
Ah, I eat boogers.
[crowd gasps]
[laughing]
Huh? [groans]
[groans]
Oh God, missy. [inhales]
[groans]
[whimsical music playing]
What?
We took two scientisesses,
that's female scientists,
and made them work together
on this fake chimp thing.
In order to activate the inherent
cattiness of the human subjects,
we injected the chimps with a powerful
and very laxative fear hormone.
The subjects have, as predicted,
turned on each other.
I don't understand.
I gave them all a full workup yesterday.
Well, obviously you didn't.
Well, maybe they're stressing out
because you're an uptight B-word.
No, no, not banana.
Not banan Oh, damn it!
As you can see, the slightest complication
has created a wedge between them.
Just like the painting
on the ceiling in my office.
Females simply can't get along, sir.
So good news.
The way we already treat women
has now been fully justified by science.
Oh man, I do love science.
[chuckles]
Wow.
[crowd cheering]
All right. What's up, America?
Thanks for coming out to choose
your next lady for the stamp lady.
Why, I haven't seen this many hotties
since my visit to Calderon-4.
Because of their 30 suns.
[coughs]
So, um [clears throat]
Uh, and what is up
with the food on spaceships?
You get that little bag
of Malzorbian tree testicles,
and then there's only, like,
five testicles in there.
- Right?
- [crowd groans]
[whispers] Do your impression
of Vice Chancellor Zarkovon.
Cha-ch-cha-ka-ti-ti-ka-ta fleeeee!
[man] Boo.
[crowd] Boo!
What the hell, Axatrax?
I'm bombing out there.
- This crowd sucks.
- I have to make them like me.
What do I do? Kisses are money now, right?
Hmm.
Why do you have
this insatiable need to be loved?
What? No, I don't need love.
I've been doing without love
since I was a kid, smartypants,
and I turned out completely Mom.
Tell me about your mother.
Why? She was just a normal mom.
I mean, she was a greeter at Kmart,
so she didn't have the energy
to say hi at home too.
She named me after her dad she never met.
Every couple of weeks, she'd go missing.
We'd find her crying at the bus station.
You know, the usual.
You are the youngest, right?
Oh my
What do my sisters gotta do with this?
I once went a year without speaking
just to see if anyone would notice.
So what? They didn't, okay?
So why bring this stuff up?
[chuckles nervously]
You want that crowd
to give you the validation
you never got as a child.
Who knew humans
were so emotionally complex?
In bed.
[sighs]
I have an idea.
- [sniffles]
- [whimsical music plays]
All right, you want bootstraps, LaMarr?
I'll show you bootstraps.
Or I would, but I only wear sneakers
designed by mentally insane rappers.
Um, do you, like, work here?
We booked a private weeks ago.
Tomorrow is my special day!
Okay, she has, like, a piece
of alien ship in her brain.
So she wakes up every day
thinking, like, tomorrow is her wedding.
So can you help us out?
Huh. [grunts]
[strains] I've gotta look hot for Derek!
[ding]
[whimsical music playing]
[female TOD-209] But never in
all the times that I had this dream
did the knight say to me,
"Come on, baby.
I'll put you up in a great condo."
[crowd applauding]
Great, great, give it up for TOD-209,
doing a monologue from Pretty Woman.
All right, um, so anybody here
from out of town?
Oh, I know that guy is,
from way out of town.
[all chuckle]
- Okay.
- Axatrax, everybody.
What a freak.
You guys are not an attractive species.
Oh my God.
I can't tell if you don't have genitals
or if you only have genitals.
[crowd chuckles]
My genitals are on the back of my skull
just like everyone else's.
So the other alien
never has to look at your face.
I mean, I'd take sick ET over you.
[chuckling continues]
When you phone home, they're like,
"New phone, who dis?"
'Cause you're so ugly. [chuckles]
But speaking of the opposite of that,
please give it up for our next contestant,
my First Lady, Lucy Suwan.
[all applauding]
Wait, I have something to say.
That's not her. Lucy is smoking hot.
- Hey, it's not your turn.
- That's her.
Lucy, while we were studying the chimps,
the men were studying us.
Yeah, I've been to the zoo, Farrah.
No, I found the chimp study.
It wasn't Vicky's fault
that Project Ape Storm failed.
The other scientists
were trying to turn us against each other.
And these men are still doing it.
Farrah Braun doing a monologue
from Dunston Checks In, I guess.
I was wrong.
This stamp thing
isn't just a stupid distraction.
It's a conscious effort
to keep us powerless.
Oh heavens. My beloved wedge
is turning into a kitten heel.
I don't collect ladies' shoes.
You are a good role model
because you support other women,
no matter how much
of a banana they're being.
You should be on that stamp.
But I shouldn't be on it alone,
because we are united.
No, you're You're not.
[in feminine voice]
I should be on a stamp alone.
I hate you all.
Ignore her. We're all in this together,
so we should all be on the stamp together.
- Every woman in the city.
- Whoo-hoo!
[all applauding and cheering]
[joyful music playing]
Farrah, I found you and me.
[Dr. Braun] Aw.
We're all on here.
Wait a minute.
[gasps, scoffs]
It's Chuck Norris.
LaMarr used our faces
to make a Chuck Norris stamp.
- The guy from Sidekicks?
- [LaMarr] Huh.
I don't see it.
I sure hope this doesn't ruin
your little celebration.
I am not celebrating Mr. Chuck Norris.
He gave me a fake number
at a CableACE Awards after-party.
[female TOD-209]
Being a woman is just no win,
and TOD confused
[male TOD-209] enough as is.
- Okay, makes sense.
- [groans] Yeah.
[whimsical music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, thanks for helping me out
the other night.
Insult humor. It is universal.
This still doesn't make up
for you blowing up my entire planet,
but, um, I owe you one.
Actually, now that you mention it,
I could use some magnet wire
to build myself a robot to have sex with.
For sex.
In bed.
[both chuckle]
Oh man.
Still got it.
[Simon panting]
You guys did the stamp contest without me?
I'm pretty sure you were there.
No, I wasn't.
The The zoo apes detained me
for trespassing.
They're building a whole society
in Rock Creek Park,
and someone taught them
to use flamethrowers.
Oh my God!
A stamp of Chuck Norris!
[Simon sobbing]
[whistling]
And now, an editorial from our publisher.
Vice President LaMarr is stupid.
What in Billy Graham's boots and blazer
are you doing on the news?
I own the news, CL.
I gave this guy a new bike seat,
and now we're partners.
You proved me right, Johnny.
My door is always open.
Now a political cartoon.
There's a poop in a toilet,
and the poop says "LaMarr" on it.
[chuckles] Freedom of the press.
[Axatrax whistling]
[Axatrax chuckles]
"Nacho cheese."
Humans are more interesting
than I thought.
It will be a shame to annihilate
what's left of them.
- What you got under there?
- Under where?
[chuckles]
I made you say underwear.
Oh my God, he walked right into it.
What a doofus.
Don't ask anyone, but I came up with that.
[Axatrax chuckles]
[whimsical music playing]
[music ends]