S#*! My Dad Says s01e04 Episode Script

You're not gonna drink anything? There are two things I will not pay more than $5 for Christmas presents and a cup of coffee.
Yet, when I was nine, you got me a cup of coffee for Christmas.
You know what I got for Christmas when I was nine? Tetanus.
I think that girl just smiled at me.
So stop staring at her like you're gonna stick her in a pit in your basement and go ask her out.
No.
I'm not feeling at my best these days, dad.
I don't want to get rejected.
Henry, let women figure out why they won't sleep with you.
Don't you do it for them.
That's oddly motivating.
Thank you.
Hi.
Can I help you? Yes, um can I have the bathroom key? Oh, yeah.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Yeah - The bathroom's over there.
- Yes, it is.
Um, but guess what.
Uh, false alarm.
I don't have to go at all.
You know, it happens sometimes, you know? It's like you have to go to the bathroom and then you don't have to go to the bathroom.
- Here you go.
- Okay.
Anything else? Uh no.
I'm just playing back in my head all the things that went wrong when I was trying to ask you out.
Oh.
That's what this is.
Yes, you know, the old bathroom-key-to-your-heart trick.
I'm Amy.
I'm Henry.
What's taking so long? I'd have been married and divorced by now.
Who is that? That's my dad.
I wish he'd pull the trigger.
USA Today.
It's like somebody gave a box of crayons to a pack of monkeys.
That's what they came up with.
That incredibly hot girl? She's going out with me.
- Great.
What did she need? A kidney or a green card? Neither.
All I had to do was promise her that you would take her aunt on a double date.
What? I didn't ask for that.
I didn't want that.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, dad, you almost ready to go? Yeah.
What? I thought we were going out.
Why aren't you getting dressed? What's wrong with what I'm wearing? Nothing.
Are we gonna drive there in your forklift or are we taking my car? This is how people my age dress.
And since when does wearing a fishing vest count as dressing up? Well, it's a dressy fishing vest.
All right, just so you know, I'm doing this for you.
I do not do blind dates.
I am not some single mom looking to get her groove back.
You know, dad, you might like her.
Amy told me her aunt used to be in the Navy.
Oh, great.
Some old lady joined the Navy.
Tell me she played college softball, you might have yourself a new stepmom.
Listen, going on a double date with my father isn't my idea of a perfect evening either.
Well, then let's not do it.
Let me get out of these uncomfortable clothes and and and relax! Now.
That's comfortable.
Dad, you have to come.
I promised Amy you'd be there for her aunt.
Promises are like children.
Fun making them.
Regret keeping them.
This is important for me.
I'm not sure if you realize this, but things have been a little slow for me on the dating front since I moved in with Andy Rooney over here.
How dare you compare me to that smug bastard.
Dad, I really want to go out with this girl.
And she's beautiful.
She's into me.
Will you help me out or not? - Fine.
- All right.
I'll give it the half an hour.
If I don't like her, I'm getting the hell out of there.
Well, that would be the charming thing to do or we can come up with a code.
That way, if you don't like her, no one gets embarrassed.
That's a great idea.
Here's the code.
I get up, I say, "I don't like her," and I get the hell out of there.
No, something clever like the weather.
How about this? If you like her, you say, "the weather's good.
" If not, it's bad.
Son, I've been dating since chlamydia was a first name.
I don't need some stupid code.
H-e-e-e-e-ere's Bonnie! I promise you that was more awkward at the grocery store.
What do you guys need? We're on our way out.
Oh, we came by to pick up some baby pictures of Vince.
Yeah, Bonnie wants to hang some up in the house, you know, so when people come in, they can see what I used to look like when I only had a few hairs on my head and those chubby cheeks.
So, pop, why you all dressed up? Yeah, I haven't seen you in that vest since our wedding.
Henry can't get laid by himself, so he's dragging me along on a double date.
I get laid by myself all the time.
Let it go.
So, Ed, you have a date, huh? Who's the lucky who's the lady? Some barnacle-encrusted old sea hag that Henry dredged up.
Hopefully she'll have an eye patch, so she's only half disappointed.
Why'd you pick this place? It smells like a Cambodian whorehouse.
Dad, could we tone it down tonight? Let's not mention whores or Cambodia.
Take away all my icebreakers.
- Gentlemen, what can I get you? - Coffee.
I'll have a vodka tonic.
Oh, you want a little umbrella and an Oprah magazine with that? I don't even drink booze and I drink harder stuff than that.
It's not girly.
It's a vodka tonic.
If I can get a splash of cranberry in that, that'd be thumbs-up.
There they are.
Amy.
Ooh, hey.
Not bad.
Sturdy gait.
Got both eyes.
I may stick this out through coffee.
Sorry we're late.
This one drives like a Vietcong motorcycle messenger.
I love a good V.
C.
joke.
Marla Brooks.
Ed Goodson.
Coffee and a vodka tonic.
Vodka tonic? Oh, is that what they served at the sorority house? It's a vodka and tonic water.
It's a perfectly manly beverage.
You forgot my splash of cranberry in my drink.
I'd apologize for her, but that's probably the nicest thing she's gonna say all night.
I'm used to it.
My dad usually refers to my t-shirts as camisoles.
Ha! Oh, my God.
That's quite a laugh.
Yeah, short, loud, and reeks of bourbon.
Just like my ex-husband.
Except my laugh didn't bang the housekeeper.
I love a good housekeeper-banging joke too.
Well, I think what you're wearing is really cute.
Thank you, Amy.
I actually have a camisole like that.
Why do you think it's funny when she says it? Look at her.
So Henry tells me you were in the Navy.
I was in the Navy too.
U.
S.
S.
Glavin.
What about you? Oh, U.
S.
S.
Ingram.
Ingram? Didn't know it was big enough to count as a ship.
What'd the Navy do? Shake it out of a cereal box? I heard the Glavin was so slow that the Vietnamese used to call it, "oc noi trong bien khoi.
" You got a mouth on you.
Yeah, play your cards right and it'll be on you.
- I like him.
- I like her.
Have you seen any baby pictures of me smiling yet? Nope.
Still looking.
Oh, but here's a great picture of your dad and Dom Deluise.
Oh, no, that's my grandmother.
Don't worry.
I take after my other grandmother.
Okay.
This is unbelievable.
There's not one baby picture of me smiling.
You know, we can't hang pictures of a sad baby.
Oh, here's a neat picture of your dad and Don Rickles.
No, that's my other grandmother.
- Oh.
- You see what I mean? And then he says to me the reason he missed my first varsity tennis match was because he was busy finding a bookie so he can bet against me.
Oh, saying it out loud is much more sad than funny.
Sad for you.
I won 600 bucks.
Hey, check this out.
They got karaoke on Thursdays.
What do you guys say about coming back for it? What do you say, Ed? You up for another double date? Well, I'm not doing karaoke.
If I wanted to watch a bunch of jackasses in front of a microphone, I'd go to an eagles concert.
Don't make an officer ask twice.
That's quite a grip you got there, sailor.
All right, but I'm not singing and I'm not holding anybody's purse when they sing.
You hear that, Henry? He's not holding your purse.
I'm gonna get another round of drinks.
Ed, I'm starving.
Will you do me a favor and pick out some appetizers? All right.
What the hell is a jalapeno popper? Sounds like something you get at a gay bar in Tijuana.
Whatever you want, sweetheart.
Ooh, there's that grip again.
A little to the left.
So what do you think about this weather we're having? Great, huh? I'm glad you like it.
You're not happy with the weather? The weather's fine.
It's just not my type.
Well, the forecast is the same till Thursday, so you might as well enjoy it.
That was awesome! I think Marla was really digging you.
I was getting a definite vibe from Amy.
You know what? I'm gonna Facebook her.
I don't think she's gonna let you do anything to her face.
About this Amy girl, Henry Why was I a sad baby? Listen.
I don't know.
Why is any baby sad? Crawl around all day long with a load in their pants.
Nobody knows what they're trying to say.
Same reason Larry King is sad.
I'm trying to talk to Henry here.
No, you know what? It's okay.
I'm gonna go on my computer and give Amy a poke.
Pop, Bonnie and I were looking through my old baby pictures.
We couldn't find one of me smiling.
Huh, let me take a look at that.
You do look pretty grumpy in these.
That was right after you told me that Santa wasn't real.
You know, I was the one that bought you the bike.
I'm not gonna let some fat drunk in a red suit take the credit.
Besides, you were three.
It was time you knew the truth.
You don't look very happy in this one either.
Yeah, that was right after you told me to quit the basketball team 'cause you said I was too slow.
Remember? You used to call me "Kareem Abdul Babar.
" Well, I knew the coach was going to cut you and I wanted to spare you the disappointment.
You were the coach! Look, I haven't got time to talk about this.
- I got to go tell Henry that a girl he likes doesn't like him.
- Why? I don't know why.
'Cause he wears camisoles and drinks vodka tonics.
No.
I mean, why tell him? To help him.
It's the truth.
Dad Sometimes it's better to protect your kids from the truth than it is to tell them the truth.
Come on.
You think it helped me in the sixth grade that you told me that it's too bad they don't give grades for being a giant? Eh, you turned out fine.
Dad.
Dad, look.
Henry's different, okay? Come on, he's a young guy.
He's just starting out.
You can't tell him the girl doesn't like him.
He he hasn't mastered the art of denial, okay? He doesn't know how to take those feelings of shame and push 'em down.
You know? Deep down.
Deep, deep down.
Know what I'm saying? Just deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down to a place so deep, that you could still whistle a happy tune no matter how bad you're feeling.
Yeah.
I don't know what to say, Vince.
Just keep pushing.
Eventually it'll come out the other end.
Okeydoke.
Hey, did you want to say something to me before? Yes, Henry, about this Amy girl Isn't she great, dad? Look, I know you didn't want to come on that double date with me, but I really appreciate it.
This is coming at me at the right time right now, you know? So what'd you want to say about her? Seems like a nice girl.
- So do you ski? - No.
Oh, because if you did, my friend has this cabin - up in mammoth.
- I don't ski.
It has a hot tub and a fire pit.
Still don't ski.
Wrap-around deck.
It's huge.
For God's sake.
She doesn't ski.
Okay, time to get our karaoke on.
One request.
For those of you planning to sing creed's arms wide open, please don't.
First up "H" to the "enry"? That's me.
"H" to the "enry"? This is so "l" to the "ame.
" Henry, what are you doing? I'm just about to sing let's spend the night together to Amy.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's, uh, not a good idea.
Don't worry.
I'm doing it ironically.
I'm going to sing the on-the-nose "I want to have sex with you" song, pretending not to say when I actually am, thus the irony.
It's post-modern.
It's pre-stupid.
Henry, Henry forget about singing.
Let's go home.
Go home? Are you crazy, dad? Look at this girl.
My penis is writing me a "thank you" note just being in the same room as her.
Oh, great.
Now I've got two unemployed writers living with me.
Let's go.
Last call for "H" to the "enry.
" Please don't make me say that again.
- Henry, I can't let you sing.
- Why not? Because I'm gonna sing.
What? Let's spend the night together? I'm flattered, but I'm on a date.
Have you got anything else in the queue? Rocket man.
Not tonight.
Have you got another song? Oh, that's good.
What's he doing? I thought your father hated karaoke.
He does.
I'm too sexy for my shirt Too sexy for my shirt So sexy it hurts I'm a model You know what I mean And I do my little turn on the catwalk Yeah on the catwalk On the catwalk I shake my little tush on the catwalk I'm too sexy for my cat Too sexy for my cat Poor pussy poor pussy pussy cat I'm too sexy for this song Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, thanks.
Thank you very much.
What the hell was that? I thought that was pretty good myself.
Will you please get off the stage so I can sing my song? Henry, I can't let you sing this song.
- It's foolish.
- It's not foolish.
It's ironic.
Give me the mic.
- No, I can't let you do that.
- Yes, you can.
Let me - Why the hell not? - Because she doesn't like you! I didn't want you to be embarrassed.
There you are.
How'd you find me? Oh, I put an app on your cell phone that lets me track you.
Really? Hold on a second.
Is it solitaire? Calendar? Husband tracker.
There it is.
Wow.
That's neat.
Right? Right? So what's going on? I don't know, honey.
I mean, you know, I used to think that I had a fine childhood and now I'm now I'm thinking maybe I didn't.
Here.
I've got something that is gonna make you feel better.
Oh, are those our wedding pictures? - Mm-hmm.
- Aww.
Look at this.
- Okay, see? There's us doing our vows.
- Aww.
- There's our first champagne toast.
- Mm-hmm.
- There's me shoving cake in your face.
- Aww.
- And there's me shoving cake in my face.
- Yeah.
See, now what do all of these pictures have in common? Eh, b-b-b-b-buh they were taken by that photographer who made out with your sister? What else? Uh, oral? Eh, no.
Vince, I'm not talking about my sister and the photographer.
I'm just saying look at these.
Look at these.
In all of these pictures you're smiling.
Well, honey, of course I'm smiling.
It was the happiest day of my life.
Then why can't you focus on that? The fact that you're happy now.
You are one of the happiest people I know, Vincent.
Thanks to you.
Actually, you were the second-happiest person at this wedding.
Oh, right.
The photographer, yeah.
No.
Me! Me, Vince.
Why are you obsessed with the photographer? I'm not.
I'm just saying we have, like - Let's just drop it.
- All right, fine.
Didn't have a good time? All right.
Let's drop it.
All right.
I am gonna go to the gym.
You want to come? - Yes.
- Are you going to come? No, but I'll meet you afterwards for lunch.
- Hey, Vince.
- Hey, pop.
Gonna make some scrambled eggs.
You want some? I'm meeting Bonnie for lunch in an hour.
- Is that a "yes"? - It is.
Hey, Henry.
Father.
- You still angry at me? - Well, let's see.
You humiliated me in front of the girl I liked in a bar full of strangers, then you drove home thinking I'd already left.
So we're good? Dad, why didn't you just tell me she didn't like me? Well, sometimes it's better to protect your children from the truth than to tell them the truth.
I don't need you to protect me, dad.
I need you to be honest.
Vince made me feel that you you couldn't handle it.
And, uh, I think I might have been a tad rough on him when he was a kid.
I don't want to make the same mistake with you.
I'm not a kid anymore, dad.
- Then pay rent.
- I'm a kid.
But I'm a happy kid who can handle rejection.
If one girl doesn't like me, I'll find another girl.
- Who doesn't like you.
- That was the end of the sentence.
- All right, of course.
- I'll find another girl.
So from now on No more protecting me from the truth, okay? Deal.
So what happened with Marla? You gonna see her again? Well, the way things went down between you and her niece, you know, it may not be appropriate.
She blew you off, huh? You might say that.
Is he gone? The deck is clear.
Well Thanks for last night, sailor.
I'll call you at 1900 hours.
Okay.
But, you know, before I go, just do it one more time.
- Oh, no, I can't.
- Come on.
- No, I shouldn't.
- You know you want to.
- I don't wanna.
- Come on, sailor! I'm a model You know what I mean I shake my little tush on the catwalk On the catwalk