My Family (2000) s01e04 Episode Script

Dad, are you planning to forget again this year? Ah.
A riddle.
I love a riddle.
Let's see.
The answer is I don't know what you're talking about so go away.
Mum's birthday.
Oh, my God.
Not again.
Hi, darling.
Ooh, mmm.
What is that delicious smell? Tuna Wellington.
I ran out of beef.
That's lovely.
That's very nice.
That's, erm Do you want any help then? - OK.
What's going on? - Nothing.
I just came to give the birthday girl a kiss.
You thought I'd forgotten, didn't you? Ben, my birthday is not for three days.
I knew that.
I was just getting warmed up.
Well, I'm not.
I feel like I'm over the hill.
Susan, hey, hey, you are not.
But I can see it in the distance, beckoning.
"Susan! Come over the hill! It's fun!" But it's not fun.
It's a bunch of old people dressed in white.
And they're wearing wings and playing harps.
Worse.
They're playing bowls.
Janey, your mother's birthday isn't for another three days.
I know that but I thought you might need a running start.
After all, you only turn 40 once.
Or in Mum's case, two or three times.
The first few times were just practice 40.
Maybe this time she's ready to commit.
So you should give her something thoughtful.
Yes.
A cheque.
- Dad! - I know.
A foot spa.
A foot spa? It relaxes and soothes away the tensions of the day, leaving your toes supple.
You need something with a personal touch.
Something unique.
Something that says, "Amore".
Something that says, "Amore" more than a foot spa.
Yeah.
A satellite dish.
OK.
So why would your mother want a satellite dish? For one, it's got a load of cooking channels.
For two, it's got the Playboy channel.
But I hardly think Mum's interested in that.
She wants what all mothers want - to make her children happy.
A satellite dish would make me ecstatic.
Dad, look, Mum's told me exactly what she really wants.
A romantic weekend.
Just the two of you.
No, your mother knows I hate travelling.
It's about what she wants.
So she wants me to suffer for her birthday.
She just wants to know you care enough to suffer.
I live here.
Isn't that enough? So.
40 again.
I'm ready to admit it but I don't want you to rub it in.
I thought we might do something special to celebrate.
I don't want to make a fuss.
I'll just do something quiet.
Sit here in the dark with my memories.
OK, then.
I thought we might go away for the weekend.
Just the two of us.
That sounds wonderful.
I'll make the arrangements tomorrow.
Great.
I thought I might make the plans.
- You don't have to.
- Well, I do.
Apparently.
- Where would you like to go? - Surprise me.
Hey, how about a golfing weekend at St Andrews? Surprise me with something else.
Gleneagles? How about the B&B we stayed in just before we were married? What would you want to go back there for? It was good enough for us 22 years ago.
Yes, but we had no money then.
And you want me to make the decision.
I do.
I just want you to make the right one.
I'll keep my mobile with me but if you can't get us on that, the number for the B&B is on the fridge - on a pink note card.
- Uh-huh.
- Right.
- Gotcha.
Dr Peterson's number is on a blue note card.
- OK.
- Mm-hm.
Check.
If you run out of food, eat whoever draws the short straw.
- OK.
Bye.
- Have fun.
Miss you.
(Whistles) What are you doing back? Nick, can you pretend to listen? Sorry, Mum.
Go for it.
Our number, pink note card.
Dr Peterson's number, blue one.
- Got it.
- Then what did I say? I don't know.
You said pretend to listen.
You're only going for the weekend.
We'll be fine.
- Nick, help your father.
- Let me give you a hand.
- I said turn left.
- It looked like the right road.
It might have been had it not been a river.
You could have asked for directions.
I asked you for directions and look what happened.
Hello.
Pleasant journey? It might have been but we took a wrong turn and ended up in What was that place? Ah, yes.
Hell.
It was lovely.
We took the scenic route.
Yes and what a lot of scenery we saw in the dark.
- We're the Harpers.
- Oh, just sign here.
- You're in number ten.
- Is it possible to get seven? We were here years ago and that was the room we stayed in.
Ah, you're in luck.
We've got another late arrival.
I'll just switch the rooms.
Thank you.
- I love you.
- I love you more.
No, I love you more.
- Oh, look at them.
- Gut-wrenching, isn't it? Romantic.
They have their whole lives ahead of them.
I hope they don't take the scenic route.
Some people know how to enjoy the journey, Ben.
It's hard with you shouting, "You're going to hit that cow" every few minutes.
There.
Number seven.
Any chance of a quick sandwich? We're both really hungry.
I'm afraid the cook's gone home and he locks the kitchen.
- How about a mint imperial? - Oh, perfect.
At least when we die of hunger we'll have fresh, minty breath.
- Where do you think you're going? - Out.
Not dressed like that.
Put on something respectable.
Sod off.
They grow up so fast.
Janey, I think it's time we had a talk.
- About boys and girls.
- You're not serious.
We can do this the hard way or the easy way.
- And what's the hard way? - I could come with you.
You've got one minute.
OK.
Janey, guys are only ever after one thing.
Fortunately, girls are after the same thing.
Well, time's up.
Liam's waiting for me at the cinema.
You can't leave.
This is important.
I've gotta meet my mates.
Who's gonna look after him? I planned this ages ago.
That's why I sent Mum and Dad away.
So that's your game.
It wasn't about Mum's happiness.
It's about your sordid love tryst.
- So what does this Liam do? - Nick, he's 16.
Oh, yeah.
What about his parents? - They're dead.
- How convenient.
- What are you talking about? - I'm trying to act parental.
I can't believe they left you in charge.
I'm much more responsible.
- Are not.
- Am.
- Great.
You stay with Michael.
- Nick! I knew he couldn't be as stupid as he looked.
Michael You can look after yourself, right? Me? Your sweet, naive, - How much will it cost me? - Ten quid.
An hour.
Well God, I don't remember it being this small.
I think it's charming.
Perhaps it shrunk in the damp.
No, it's just as I remembered.
Same lamps.
Same wallpaper.
Same chest of drawers.
Any vague memories of where we might have slept? - As I remember, we didn't.
- Ah-ha-ha! Come here.
What are you thinking? Ha-ha I'm thinking we should have had the mint imperials.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I can't stop thinking about food.
Well, imagine I'm covered in creme fraiche.
No, I need something more substantial.
Fine.
Imagine I'm a deep-fried haddock.
We had haddock last night.
We didn't let things like this bother us 22 years ago.
Oh, come on.
Then we were a mass of raging hormones.
We'd have slept on broken glass to have had sex.
Yes.
Where has the romance gone? (Woman screams) Oh! Ah-ah-ah! Yes! (Bed creaking) Obviously next door.
You don't think they could be moving their luggage in, do you? (Man screams) Ooh, yes! Well, he certainly has.
Hey, hang on.
I think he's just found the complimentary shower cap.
I've just remembered something that might cheer you up.
No, what could be more fun than this? - Chocolate! - Oh, I love you! - Oh! - Mm! - Mm! - Oh, God! (Woman) Oh, my God! - Mm.
- Oh, yeah.
That's good.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yes.
- (Woman screams ecstatically) - (Man) Yes, yes! (Bed creaks) They must have the biscuit centre.
Do you have any idea what time it is? Yeah.
Good night.
Hey, come on.
I couldn't sleep.
It's not easy being a single parent.
- Nick, you're not a parent.
- Yeah, but I'm single.
Try brushing your teeth.
I'm sorry your date went so badly.
- How would you know about that? - A mother knows these things.
Nick, let it go! Actually, I I do have a question.
- Are you talking to me? - Yes.
I was looking forward to my date with Liam but he only wanted to play table football and arse around with his mates.
Oh, you're looking for the man's perspective.
- No, the immature git's.
- I can help with that, too.
Table football is a very important male bonding ritual.
It's the only time in a young man's life where you learn how to play football on a table.
Nick! You wanted the immature git's perspective.
You know, we have a saying round here - if you can't see the headland, it's raining.
If you can see the headland, it's about to rain.
So, did you sleep well? Well, actually I was wondering if we could switch our room back to number ten.
The couple in number six were rather, erm loud.
Loud? Oh, dear.
I'm afraid we're full up.
Oh, that's all right.
- So, see anything interesting? - Oh, yes.
The Ninefields Butterfly Farm is a bit of a treat.
The Appledore Shoe Museum is not to be missed.
And the Bexhill World of Enchantment.
I don't know how we'll pack this all in.
You could go to the dolphinarium.
- That sounds interesting.
- Oh, it was.
- Sorry, it was? - Before the dolphin died.
So why would we want to go there? Well, they've still got the tank.
Oh, they've still got the tank? I forgot to pack my camera.
When we were here before, you kept a guest book where you could write about your stay.
Ooh, I haven't seen the guest book for some time.
- Oh.
- It should make good reading.
"Today I saw a footprint on the beach.
" Is John still the waiter? Ooh, you're going back a few years.
- John passed away.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
What about the nice lady who tended the gardens? - Ah, Betty.
- Yes, Betty.
She's still here.
We spread her ashes over her hydrangeas.
What about George and Margaret? They were such a cheery couple.
Margaret is dead - but George is still alive.
- Oh, good.
He's in prison for strangling Margaret.
Oh, well, you must give him our regards.
- Who are you waving at? - The couple in number six.
You don't even know them.
After last night, I think we know them intimately.
Why are these tables so close together? I like it.
Makes everything much more relaxed and chummy.
I don't want relaxed and chummy.
I want tense and left alone.
Good morning! Joan and Peter Pickering.
Hi.
Susan Harper and this is my husband Ben.
- First time here? - Actually, we were here once, - before we were married.
- Really? Yes.
20 long wonderful years.
Newlyweds.
Joan and I have come here for - They couldn't come this year.
- We decided to come anyway.
You're never too old to make new friends.
- We couldn't agree more.
- No, we could not.
- We're in number seven.
- Oh, wonderful! - We're neighbours.
- We're the couple in six.
Now I remember what it was I liked about this place.
The intimacy of being cut off from the rest of the world? No, the breakfasts.
I mean, the intimacy of being cut off from the world is fine.
But it's better on a full stomach, isn't it? - Good save.
- Really? I'm in a generous mood.
Well, I'm in the mood to receive.
- Don't go anywhere.
- OK.
Not even the dolphinarium? Yes! Ha, ha, ha! Listen and learn! I see you've slipped into something more or less the same.
I've been thinking.
Oh, dear.
It's not easy turning 40.
So why do you keep doing it, then? Do try and understand me.
I feel like my whole life I've been travelling on the B417 when I could have been on the M6.
What do you want to go to Birmingham for? The point is, it's about choices.
Who knows what my life might have been if I'd chosen differently? I could have been anything.
Well, certainly not an Olympic hurdler.
The point is, I was young, I had my whole life ahead of me, and then I met you.
Oh, so you met me and your life turned to crap.
This isn't about you.
You're irrelevant.
That's reassuring.
Oh, what's the point? Susan, we've come here to rekindle happy memories.
We've ended up wallowing in a sinkhole of despair and depression.
It's like being at home.
(Man) Oh, yes! - Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
That jigsaw's harder than it looks, you know.
You intrigue me.
How? Half the pieces are missing.
- Hello.
- Ooh, hello! - Had a nice day? - Mm.
Yeah.
I bet you did.
We always do.
Life's too short not to be happy.
Stop being happy.
It'd make life go on forever.
So, your wife up in her room? I expect so.
Unless she's popped out for a job interview with the SAS.
- I'm sorry? - She's having a midlife crisis.
Don't talk to us about midlife crisis.
I It's all right.
I won't, then.
Don't worry.
She'll get over it.
You don't get over a midlife crisis.
I started mine at 17.
You see, life's a bit like this jigsaw.
- Mm-hm.
- Even though pieces are missing you're still enjoying the puzzle.
No, I'm just enjoying the boredom until the misery sets in again.
I expect next you'll be telling me this glass is half full.
No, it's half empty.
Let me get you another.
- Bernard.
- Oh.
That's Thank you.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Oh, yes.
Don't talk to me about kids today.
It's just Mm-hm.
Mm.
Oh, no, Nick.
It never ends.
- (Knocking) - I've got to go, Nick.
There's someone at the door.
Come in! Oh, goodbye.
Yes, darling, I love you very much.
And so does Daddy.
Yes, he does.
Please don't cry, Nick.
I've really got to go.
Goodbye.
I'm sorry.
I just wondered if you had some make-up remover.
Oh, yes, of course.
Are you OK? Do you want to talk? I trained as a guidance counsellor.
Almost.
Do you and your husband ever, you know have arguments? Oh, yes.
Well, he does.
I have an open exchange of ideas.
Stuart and I seem to be at each other's throats all the time.
Yes, we saw.
This weekend was supposed to be a chance to get away from that.
We've been having such a horrible time.
- Can I really tell you this? - Of course you can.
Well, first off he said he'd never leave his wife.
Then when I protested, he told me I was fired.
You might be better off talking to someone else.
Oh, no, you've got such an understanding face.
Must be the wisdom of all the years.
If you want that, talk to the couple next door to us.
- Them? They're disgusting.
- Oh, come on.
They're just having fun.
What if they approached you and your husband? Worst part is, Stuart thinks it might be fun.
- I don't understand.
- Those old people are swingers.
Swingers? As in Glen Miller or as in Glen Miller, his wife and the rest of his band? You're laughing.
It's true but no one believes it.
Oh, Susan.
Hello.
Hey, come and join us.
Hello.
- I need to tell you something.
- Oh, hello.
What? - In private.
- Hm.
Trouble at home? No, a bit closer by.
There's been a break-out at the Butterfield Ninnery Park? The Ninnery Butterfly Park.
- Your husband's so funny! - Yes, he's a scream.
- Come.
Join us.
- In what order? Eh? Come on.
Come on.
Come and join us.
All right.
You asked for it.
Ben's been telling us how delightful your children are.
How many has he had? Stop it.
Don't be so cynical.
Chill out.
Enjoy yourself.
Don't worry.
I intend to.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
It's funny.
You don't meet many people like Peter and Joan.
I don't think we've met any people like Peter and Joan.
We ought to do something together.
Yes.
All four of us.
- Why not? - It's a date.
Our first date.
- (Laughs lasciviously) - (Laughs nervously) So, erm what do we fancy doing? That's a little lacking in spontaneity, isn't it? I don't know.
Is it? Joan means that she and Peter prefer to suck it and see.
Good Lord, you're a game girl.
We ought to make a plan or we'll end up at the Appledore Shoe Museum.
- (All laugh) - You're so funny! I'm just warming up.
Ha, ha.
Oh, hello.
So are you, huh? What? Oh, I know.
OK.
Sorry.
We're just getting a bit tired.
- Yes, look at the time! - I could do with a nap.
Ooh! You Good idea.
I'll go on ahead.
Let you all finish making your plans.
You knew, didn't you? - Of course I knew! - Why didn't you tell me? I tried, Ben, but then I started having too much fun.
At my age, you have to get your kicks where you can.
Just like Joan and Peter! Very funny! I almost ended up as an octogenarian's sex puppy.
You can't blame them, Ben.
Their usual partners couldn't make it this year.
Mr Burchfield had a hip replacement.
That affected his swing.
(Knocking) How did you leave it with the Pickerings? It's all right.
They know the score.
Don't worry.
You did say no, didn't you? I said, erm I said we'd let them know.
- You idiot.
- I couldn't hurt their feelings.
- (Knocking) - I'm not getting it.
- Get it! - You've got to say something! - Get it! - Say something! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, we're not interested in sexual relations with either you or your wife, all right? (Bernard) Well, she's good enough for me.
I'm so sorry.
I am terribly sorry.
I thought you were somebody else.
Ah, the Pickerings.
- I just wanted to drop this by.
- Why? What is this? It's the guest book your wife was looking for.
I found it in the games cupboard when I put your jigsaw away.
I do have a Scrabble set if you're interested.
But there are no Ss, Ts or Ns.
Right.
Well, we won't bother then, Bernard.
- It's still raining.
- Really? It's Bernard.
He's brought the guest book you wanted.
- Oh, really? - Look, April 1978.
Oh, God! 1978! "Thank you for a glorious weekend.
"I came here unsure of so many things.
"But as I leave I know I am taking the first step "on a wonderful adventure called married life.
" Puke.
- What did you write? - Me? I didn't write anything.
- Yes, you did.
- Oh, you're right.
I did.
"Ben Harper.
Bed, breakfast and the girl of my dreams.
"I have found my true north.
The solar flare I call Susan.
"She's the only girl for me.
" - Let me see that.
- No, I Let me see it! Ah, here we are.
"Ben Harper.
The toilet didn't flush.
" That's what you wrote? That's all you could say about our wonderful weekend? That's so lovely.
- Is it? - That you cared enough to lie.
So badly, too.
You know what? There's plenty more where that came from.
Good.
Cos I plan turning 41 next year and I hear that one's a real bitch.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Mmm.
- (Bed squeaks) - (Ben) Susan! Oh, God, that's good.
- That's really good.
- That's fantastic.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! - Oh, yes! - Whoo! Cock-a-doodle-doo! I said turn left.
I asked if I should turn left and you said right.
When I said, "Right," right, I meant right as in correct.
My God, this place is spotless.
Something's wrong.
- Hello, Mum.
- Hello, Father.
Welcome home.
Oh, my God, they're going to start singing Edelweiss.
- How was your weekend? - Fine.
- Perfect.
- It wasn't my fault.
Steady.
OK.
Which one of you is going to crack first? My money's on this one.
(Whimpers) - They wouldn't obey me! - He went to the pub! She went out with a boy named Liam.
- They left me alone! - I hate you! - You remember the way? - I think I remember the way.
- I'd like to go to Spain now.
- Turn left at the end.