Neighbors From Hell (2010) s01e04 Episode Script
Screw the EPA
Hey, gang.
What's the one thing that everybody loves? Chardonnay! B-b-boy rumps! Fire! Pancakes! Scatological pornography.
[ slurping .]
[ gulps .]
No.
Riddles! What do you call a dream date with a fish? Dad, don't do this.
"salmon-chanted" evening Yay! [ laughs .]
I'm gonna use these riddles to break the ice With the other members of the drill team.
Once I gain their confidence through humor, I'll destroy the drill, save hell, And we can all finally go home! Yay, riddles! I've got a riddle, everybody.
What's 16 years old and gets hotter every day? A Jonas brother? [ giggles .]
I think the one with diabetes is the sweetest! I think Tina was referring to Our marriage! Ta-da! [ smooching .]
[ moans pleasurably .]
I've got a very special surprise planned For our anniversary, Balthy.
Ooh, surprises make me crazy! In a good way.
What's green and well-rested and leaving with riddles? Me! this is the story 'bout a demon from hell his job was torture, he tortured so well then he watched some illegal tv and satan launched him to earth to save hell from a drill that could destroy them permanently these are your neighbors from hell you are the neighbors from hell ââ¢Âª we are your neighbors from hell ââ¢Âª Hey, Chevdet.
You know, I was just thinking, riddles are a great way to meet people.
And we're such good bros That I'd love to bro down more with your drill team Through the magic of riddlery.
Why did the spider go on the computer? To check his website.
[ both laugh .]
Oh, I love these riddles, son.
And I know the team will, too.
Look alive, d-bags! I'm back from my honeymoon with my latest future ex-wife.
Allegra and I spent two weeks in the australian outback Hunting baby kangaroos.
Nothing says "till death do us part" Like jamming tnt into a Joey pouch.
Boom! That's love.
I give it a month.
You jackals ready for our big e.
P.
A.
Circle jerk? Do I have time to use the restroom first? I drank way too much sunny d this morning! Hurry up, boy.
And you're gonna want to use the restroom On the women's lib floor downstairs.
We had a fecal freakout this morning.
It looks a chocolate factory in there, One you don't want a golden ticket to.
No offense, Chevdet.
Uh, excuse me, which one of these is the men's bathroom? This one looks like a chef holding cantaloupes, And -- and this one resembles a doctor doing pilates.
It's pretty obvious.
Have your patriarchal ways blinded you that much? Cantaloupes, pilates.
Cantaloupes, pilates.
Canta-- I gotta pee! [ zipper unzips .]
[ urinates .]
Aah! Tinkles, tinkles, tinkles, tinkles.
[ toilet flushes .]
[ spits .]
Mm.
Mama likey.
Take a seat, everyone.
The e.
P.
A.
Is sending over their top dog To review our plan for the marshlands, So I want all paper cups and plastic bottles and deodorant Off the table and in the trash.
Men, put on those hemp vests.
Women -- Oh, who am I kidding? This is an executive meeting.
There are no women here.
But there is one vagina.
Right, Marty? [ whimpers .]
Excuse me, did someone say vagina? Alex, you old warbitch.
Keep it in your pants, Don, Or I'll bite it off for good.
Let me get my papers out of my lady briefcase And get this party started.
Don, your plan to build preschools on toxic marshlands Can lick my outbox.
We refuse approval and demand you relocate immediately.
Alex, this is a very important project for us.
Now, everybody's got a price.
Hit me with yours.
Don, if you don't shut your face, I'll beat you with my beaver.
His name's Terry, and he's in a "terry-ble" mood.
Aren't ya, Terry? [ crunching .]
oh, that reminds me.
I owe bill Clinton a call.
[ Balthazor sneezes .]
I'm sorry.
I'm -- I'm allergic to beaver.
Sounds familiar, huh, Marty? Hey, wild hog.
We meet again.
Do we know each other? Yeah.
You were hanging your rat in the ladies' hand sink.
I find that bold and intriguing.
I'll tell you what, Don.
I changed my mind.
Send the big guy here to pitch me in private, And I'll consider your marshland proposal.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go spank my beaver.
He ate my luna bar.
Bad, Terry.
[ door closes .]
Hot corn! All right, Hellman, you heard the man.
Get your pitching panties on.
But, sir, I-I don't know anything about the marshland project.
Why me? Don't know, don't care.
Get it done or you're fired.
Aw, for the love of Ray j! So, as you can see, The Petromundo preschool would be ideally situated On these super-safe, cancer-free marshlands.
Like this.
Tell me more, but sit on my lap.
We spent lots of time and money cleaning up this land After that little nuclear mishap last spring.
Hey, look.
What does it seem like these two figurines are doing? Trying to start a fire with their hips? Now, that's one way of putting it.
This one looks like it has jelly doughnut on it.
Let me clean it off for you.
[ moaning .]
Yeah, that's getting clean.
I'll suck the paint right off this preschool figurine.
You know what I'm saying, right? Uh Not really? Oh, no, the figurine's cold.
I better warm it up in my jungle cave.
Yeah, spelunk away, little figurine.
Um, anyway, back to the marshlands.
Yeah, you want to talk about marshlands? Why don't you clean up my marshlands? You can start with the bat problem.
Oh! Mm! Yeah! W-want to hear a riddle? I don't care.
Just keep talkin'.
Okay.
This is a good one.
What kind of bank has no money? Washington mutual.
Well, here's a ride for you.
What has two thumbs, is hot and bothered, And has a plastic figurine in her uterus That she wants to replace with your figurine In exchange for e.
P.
A.
Approval of those marshlands? Uh This guy.
Hey, hon bun brigade! Guess who scored tickets to witness an execution For our anniversary tomorrow night? Me! It'll be just like our first date.
Remember how we watched Andy gibb get tortured By his own music? And you held my hand for the first time? That was the most romantic night of my life.
Yeah, yeah.
That -- that was fun.
Hey, I thought you'd be more excited.
I thought he'd be more excited too, frankly.
Uncle Vlaartark and I even learned a song.
love is the love, I love the loveliest you are my love, I love the loveliest Whoo! Sorry, guys.
Awesome jam.
It's just that something really weird Happened at work today.
Me and my stupid riddles.
Yeah, this string cheese Should come with a surgeon general's warning -- "may drop too many underpants!" Balthazor, what are you talking about? I'm supposed to make love to a business associate Tomorrow night or else I get fired.
Ooh.
New idea for a song, goblin! panty drop, panty drop, panty drop fever now let your panties drop on me panty drop fever Ooh! Let's rock that riff in the kitchen! Well, that's all right.
We'll just do an execution another time.
I can't have sex with some giant random businesslady.
Oh, it's fine, Balthy.
It's for the mission.
Just do it and get it over with.
Humans still haven't discovered The real way to have sex, anyways.
I'll be cheating.
I'll feel so guilty.
Fine.
Listen, if it makes you feel better, I'll just Take Diondre to the execution and have sex with him.
What? Who's Diondre? [ lisping .]
I likes playing tennis with your family! He's giving us all lessons.
It's so fun.
40/love! [ glass shatters, cat yowls, car alarm activates .]
Ain't nothin' wrong with your ground strokes, girl.
You don't need to sleep with Diondre.
I won't feel guilty.
I know you, Balthy.
You're gonna feel guilty, And then I'm gonna feel guilty that you're feeling guilty Because I didn't have the guts To go and throw down with Diondre.
What? Damn it, Balthy, I love you, And my anniversary gift to you Is plowing Diondre to kingdom come! Thank you? [ beeping .]
What are you guys doing? The goblin keeps fussing That it's so much colder here than hell.
I thought we'd warm him up while making popcorn.
turning up the heat, y'all turning up the heat ooh! Uncle Vlaartark, I need advice on seducing Alex the executive As fast as possible.
Like "hitch.
" I have to get it done quickly So I make it to my date with Tina Before she has sex with Diondre.
Mm.
Welcome to the encyclopedia sextanica.
First things first -- We must do something about your wardrobe.
[ explosion .]
Uh, guess I should have taken out my prince Albert.
[ bell dings, electricity buzzing .]
Come on, let's go get some grubbin' Before we get to rubbin'.
[ slap! .]
Hellman! What in God's name are you doing dressed like that in public? You look like al Pacino in "cruising.
" I'm on a date, sir, with Alex from the e.
P.
A.
[ screams .]
I'm gonna have sex with her quickly To get the marshland preschool approved, Then meet up with my wife to celebrate our anniversary.
You want something that'll help your date go faster? Yes, yes, yes.
These are from Petromundo's toy recall last year.
We call 'em blackout beads.
Bad for kids But good for making 'em, if you catch my drift.
Hmm? Hmm? You crazy s.
O.
B.
! Those were for your date! Keep up this behavior, And we'll all be working for you one day.
That is, if we survive the robot uprising.
[ thunder crashes .]
Thank you for escorting me, Diondre.
Hey, wait a minute.
This is like a real execution? I thought this was gonna be like a club called execution.
Isn't it romantic? Balthy would have loved this.
Here, would you mind putting this bag over your head? It won't be the first time Diondre brown bagged it.
Oh! Ooh, here he comes! And he definitely looks guilty! Open the white burgundy, balthy! I mean, Diondre.
This is not a memory future Diondre will cherish.
Welcome to the George foreman grill grille.
My name is George.
What can I get you to drink tonight? I'll have bourbon on the rocks -- his rocks.
Pour it on his crotch, and I'll lap it up like a stray cat.
Me-ow.
Ohh.
And for you, sir? Why is this menu threatening me with a knife? Chicken beast! Just bring us a spit bucket and some bactine.
This guy's about to go 50 rounds with my "va-j.
J.
Abrams.
" I am sorry, Tina, But a brother can only take so much for a casual encounter.
It's back to jdate for Diondre.
[ electricity crackles .]
Aah! Aah! love is here, love is there our love is everywhere love is all around, love is all around us, baby love is here, love is there our love is everywhere love is all around Aah! love is all around baby, I will treat you right you know I got it goin' on I don't want to be the only one believing I don't want to be the one who said goodbye [ record scratches .]
what am I doing here? I should be with my man on our special night! [ babbling .]
Yeah, you like getting weird in that grill? I got something else that'll leave some marks on your meat.
Are you ignoring me? No! [ babbling .]
Marshlands.
You sure get sloppy quick after one cosmo.
Should I call you Miranda? 'cause I would've made love to Miranda -- All that red hair and sass.
What do I need to do to get your attention, big boy? [ whimpers .]
No! So evil! They are naughty, aren't they? Marshland! Get to drill! Is that what you want? You wanna drill me at the marshlands? That would be kind of a thrill, wouldn't it, You sadistic hot mess? Marshlands! I'll take my dinner in a doggie bag, And can we put my date in the trunk? Ah, yes.
Uh, we need a Matthew McConaughey special! [ bell dings .]
Diondre, get your whip And "tokyo drift" me out of here! I've got to stop Balthazor! Oh, snap, jealous female! It's "fast and furious" time! Yeah! [ tires screech, engine revs .]
My whip is not death proof, Tina! [ horn honks .]
Aah! [ tires screech, horn honks .]
Do you still have that bag, by chance? [ vomits .]
Huh? Where am I? [ babbling .]
[ thud! .]
[ slap! Slap! Slap! .]
I'm in the back of the car! What the What are we doing at the marshlands? Did we sign the papers? Not yet.
We're just about to seal the deal.
[ flies buzzing .]
Am I still hallucinating Or does this duck have a gorgeous set of teeth? All the animals are mutants here, Thanks to you and your precious company.
Really? And -- and that doesn't bother you? Nah, I'm dead inside After everything these eyes have witnessed.
[ monkeys shriek .]
[ sobs .]
[ sobs .]
[ sobs .]
Do you know what it's like To breast-feed a dying baby oyster Because the oceans are so poisoned? I can't even imagine.
Ah, it's horrible.
No one cares about the environment except al Gore, And no one listens to him because he's a chubby gay.
I used to care, But you have no idea how evil humanity can be.
Actually, I do have a fairly decent background with that.
But you can change the world.
Don't give up.
Excuse me, pot to kettle.
Over.
You're having sex with me To turn these poison marshes into preschools.
It's not worth it! These marshes are precious, And preschool children are precious.
And you know what? My marriage is precious! So much preciousness! Deal off! No! Pants off! [ moaning, smooching .]
My Balthazor hun bun bun is here.
I can smell him.
[ tires screech .]
Get your own damn man! [ martial arts music plays .]
No powers, Tina! [ siren wails .]
look at our faces! We all look the same! [ wailing stops, car doors slam .]
What do you think, Erica? Should we break 'em up? Naw, let's see if one of their tops comes off first.
Yeah! Ah, Erica, you're such a lezzie cop.
I got to break it up.
All right, ladies, enough fun.
She's not human! She has a tail! She was flying! Sounds like you're flying, lady.
Why don't you fly with us down to the station For a blood test? I'm going to come back and kill you all in your sleep With my irritable beaver! Did someone say "irritable beaver"? Hellman, what the hell is going on here? Why aren't you knee deep in Alex sealing the deal? Sir, I was going to, and then I realized We cannot put a school on a toxic wasteland Because there's something more precious going on here.
[ squeaking .]
Hot corn! It looks like mother nature forgot her kotex.
I don't know how you do it.
I give you the task of getting the marshlands approved, And somehow you find oil! Well done, Hellman.
I'm promoting you To senior adviser to the regional vice president Of international mergers and acquisitions, Analysis and integration "senior adviser to the regional" There it is.
Oh, how did I manage to get promoted Even farther from the drill? Balthy, I'm sorry I got so jealous.
I guess picturing you with another woman Made me more emotional than I expected.
Sounds like a human thing to say.
Do humans kiss like this? you are my marsh you are my land I am your home you are my ham Both: together we will make some sweet love together together anniversary sweet love together Ooh! Yes! Nailed it! Oh, yeah, we nailed it! [ laughter .]
What is a vegan demon's favorite food? Ooh, ooh, ooh! Guess right here! The fake meat made from wheat gluten -- Seitan! [ giggles .]
That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
[ laughter .]
Shut your mouths! My jokes are for me only! And mister mister.
Mm.
[ coos .]
Justify your lives! Well, I got a promotion And learned that sexual harassment in the workplace Is very real.
It's incredible how far physical relations can get you up here.
Wait, wait, wait -- Are you saying that sex has power on earth? Yes! Well, this is all news to me.
Yeah? No, silly! Sex fuels the underworld! Who do you think invented it? Ooh, the Kardashian with the big badonkadonk? You mean like all of them? [ laughs .]
Actually, I'm rather keen on that one who looks like a man.
She can back that thing up All over Necromuncula's dirty little face.
Noooo, rude.
Get to that drill! I'm serious.
This is my serious face.
I've got to go.
My apple Newton just booted up.
I might play this new game called tetris! Satan out.
Happy anniversary, balthy.
Maybe we should skip the rest of dinner And have dessert upstairs.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
[ gulps .]
Do with me as you wish, milady.
Looks like you have a date with the beach boys And some good vibrations.
[ laughs .]
Oh, Uncle Vlaartark! I love you, guys! [ vomits .]
Together: We love you, too!
What's the one thing that everybody loves? Chardonnay! B-b-boy rumps! Fire! Pancakes! Scatological pornography.
[ slurping .]
[ gulps .]
No.
Riddles! What do you call a dream date with a fish? Dad, don't do this.
"salmon-chanted" evening Yay! [ laughs .]
I'm gonna use these riddles to break the ice With the other members of the drill team.
Once I gain their confidence through humor, I'll destroy the drill, save hell, And we can all finally go home! Yay, riddles! I've got a riddle, everybody.
What's 16 years old and gets hotter every day? A Jonas brother? [ giggles .]
I think the one with diabetes is the sweetest! I think Tina was referring to Our marriage! Ta-da! [ smooching .]
[ moans pleasurably .]
I've got a very special surprise planned For our anniversary, Balthy.
Ooh, surprises make me crazy! In a good way.
What's green and well-rested and leaving with riddles? Me! this is the story 'bout a demon from hell his job was torture, he tortured so well then he watched some illegal tv and satan launched him to earth to save hell from a drill that could destroy them permanently these are your neighbors from hell you are the neighbors from hell ââ¢Âª we are your neighbors from hell ââ¢Âª Hey, Chevdet.
You know, I was just thinking, riddles are a great way to meet people.
And we're such good bros That I'd love to bro down more with your drill team Through the magic of riddlery.
Why did the spider go on the computer? To check his website.
[ both laugh .]
Oh, I love these riddles, son.
And I know the team will, too.
Look alive, d-bags! I'm back from my honeymoon with my latest future ex-wife.
Allegra and I spent two weeks in the australian outback Hunting baby kangaroos.
Nothing says "till death do us part" Like jamming tnt into a Joey pouch.
Boom! That's love.
I give it a month.
You jackals ready for our big e.
P.
A.
Circle jerk? Do I have time to use the restroom first? I drank way too much sunny d this morning! Hurry up, boy.
And you're gonna want to use the restroom On the women's lib floor downstairs.
We had a fecal freakout this morning.
It looks a chocolate factory in there, One you don't want a golden ticket to.
No offense, Chevdet.
Uh, excuse me, which one of these is the men's bathroom? This one looks like a chef holding cantaloupes, And -- and this one resembles a doctor doing pilates.
It's pretty obvious.
Have your patriarchal ways blinded you that much? Cantaloupes, pilates.
Cantaloupes, pilates.
Canta-- I gotta pee! [ zipper unzips .]
[ urinates .]
Aah! Tinkles, tinkles, tinkles, tinkles.
[ toilet flushes .]
[ spits .]
Mm.
Mama likey.
Take a seat, everyone.
The e.
P.
A.
Is sending over their top dog To review our plan for the marshlands, So I want all paper cups and plastic bottles and deodorant Off the table and in the trash.
Men, put on those hemp vests.
Women -- Oh, who am I kidding? This is an executive meeting.
There are no women here.
But there is one vagina.
Right, Marty? [ whimpers .]
Excuse me, did someone say vagina? Alex, you old warbitch.
Keep it in your pants, Don, Or I'll bite it off for good.
Let me get my papers out of my lady briefcase And get this party started.
Don, your plan to build preschools on toxic marshlands Can lick my outbox.
We refuse approval and demand you relocate immediately.
Alex, this is a very important project for us.
Now, everybody's got a price.
Hit me with yours.
Don, if you don't shut your face, I'll beat you with my beaver.
His name's Terry, and he's in a "terry-ble" mood.
Aren't ya, Terry? [ crunching .]
oh, that reminds me.
I owe bill Clinton a call.
[ Balthazor sneezes .]
I'm sorry.
I'm -- I'm allergic to beaver.
Sounds familiar, huh, Marty? Hey, wild hog.
We meet again.
Do we know each other? Yeah.
You were hanging your rat in the ladies' hand sink.
I find that bold and intriguing.
I'll tell you what, Don.
I changed my mind.
Send the big guy here to pitch me in private, And I'll consider your marshland proposal.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go spank my beaver.
He ate my luna bar.
Bad, Terry.
[ door closes .]
Hot corn! All right, Hellman, you heard the man.
Get your pitching panties on.
But, sir, I-I don't know anything about the marshland project.
Why me? Don't know, don't care.
Get it done or you're fired.
Aw, for the love of Ray j! So, as you can see, The Petromundo preschool would be ideally situated On these super-safe, cancer-free marshlands.
Like this.
Tell me more, but sit on my lap.
We spent lots of time and money cleaning up this land After that little nuclear mishap last spring.
Hey, look.
What does it seem like these two figurines are doing? Trying to start a fire with their hips? Now, that's one way of putting it.
This one looks like it has jelly doughnut on it.
Let me clean it off for you.
[ moaning .]
Yeah, that's getting clean.
I'll suck the paint right off this preschool figurine.
You know what I'm saying, right? Uh Not really? Oh, no, the figurine's cold.
I better warm it up in my jungle cave.
Yeah, spelunk away, little figurine.
Um, anyway, back to the marshlands.
Yeah, you want to talk about marshlands? Why don't you clean up my marshlands? You can start with the bat problem.
Oh! Mm! Yeah! W-want to hear a riddle? I don't care.
Just keep talkin'.
Okay.
This is a good one.
What kind of bank has no money? Washington mutual.
Well, here's a ride for you.
What has two thumbs, is hot and bothered, And has a plastic figurine in her uterus That she wants to replace with your figurine In exchange for e.
P.
A.
Approval of those marshlands? Uh This guy.
Hey, hon bun brigade! Guess who scored tickets to witness an execution For our anniversary tomorrow night? Me! It'll be just like our first date.
Remember how we watched Andy gibb get tortured By his own music? And you held my hand for the first time? That was the most romantic night of my life.
Yeah, yeah.
That -- that was fun.
Hey, I thought you'd be more excited.
I thought he'd be more excited too, frankly.
Uncle Vlaartark and I even learned a song.
love is the love, I love the loveliest you are my love, I love the loveliest Whoo! Sorry, guys.
Awesome jam.
It's just that something really weird Happened at work today.
Me and my stupid riddles.
Yeah, this string cheese Should come with a surgeon general's warning -- "may drop too many underpants!" Balthazor, what are you talking about? I'm supposed to make love to a business associate Tomorrow night or else I get fired.
Ooh.
New idea for a song, goblin! panty drop, panty drop, panty drop fever now let your panties drop on me panty drop fever Ooh! Let's rock that riff in the kitchen! Well, that's all right.
We'll just do an execution another time.
I can't have sex with some giant random businesslady.
Oh, it's fine, Balthy.
It's for the mission.
Just do it and get it over with.
Humans still haven't discovered The real way to have sex, anyways.
I'll be cheating.
I'll feel so guilty.
Fine.
Listen, if it makes you feel better, I'll just Take Diondre to the execution and have sex with him.
What? Who's Diondre? [ lisping .]
I likes playing tennis with your family! He's giving us all lessons.
It's so fun.
40/love! [ glass shatters, cat yowls, car alarm activates .]
Ain't nothin' wrong with your ground strokes, girl.
You don't need to sleep with Diondre.
I won't feel guilty.
I know you, Balthy.
You're gonna feel guilty, And then I'm gonna feel guilty that you're feeling guilty Because I didn't have the guts To go and throw down with Diondre.
What? Damn it, Balthy, I love you, And my anniversary gift to you Is plowing Diondre to kingdom come! Thank you? [ beeping .]
What are you guys doing? The goblin keeps fussing That it's so much colder here than hell.
I thought we'd warm him up while making popcorn.
turning up the heat, y'all turning up the heat ooh! Uncle Vlaartark, I need advice on seducing Alex the executive As fast as possible.
Like "hitch.
" I have to get it done quickly So I make it to my date with Tina Before she has sex with Diondre.
Mm.
Welcome to the encyclopedia sextanica.
First things first -- We must do something about your wardrobe.
[ explosion .]
Uh, guess I should have taken out my prince Albert.
[ bell dings, electricity buzzing .]
Come on, let's go get some grubbin' Before we get to rubbin'.
[ slap! .]
Hellman! What in God's name are you doing dressed like that in public? You look like al Pacino in "cruising.
" I'm on a date, sir, with Alex from the e.
P.
A.
[ screams .]
I'm gonna have sex with her quickly To get the marshland preschool approved, Then meet up with my wife to celebrate our anniversary.
You want something that'll help your date go faster? Yes, yes, yes.
These are from Petromundo's toy recall last year.
We call 'em blackout beads.
Bad for kids But good for making 'em, if you catch my drift.
Hmm? Hmm? You crazy s.
O.
B.
! Those were for your date! Keep up this behavior, And we'll all be working for you one day.
That is, if we survive the robot uprising.
[ thunder crashes .]
Thank you for escorting me, Diondre.
Hey, wait a minute.
This is like a real execution? I thought this was gonna be like a club called execution.
Isn't it romantic? Balthy would have loved this.
Here, would you mind putting this bag over your head? It won't be the first time Diondre brown bagged it.
Oh! Ooh, here he comes! And he definitely looks guilty! Open the white burgundy, balthy! I mean, Diondre.
This is not a memory future Diondre will cherish.
Welcome to the George foreman grill grille.
My name is George.
What can I get you to drink tonight? I'll have bourbon on the rocks -- his rocks.
Pour it on his crotch, and I'll lap it up like a stray cat.
Me-ow.
Ohh.
And for you, sir? Why is this menu threatening me with a knife? Chicken beast! Just bring us a spit bucket and some bactine.
This guy's about to go 50 rounds with my "va-j.
J.
Abrams.
" I am sorry, Tina, But a brother can only take so much for a casual encounter.
It's back to jdate for Diondre.
[ electricity crackles .]
Aah! Aah! love is here, love is there our love is everywhere love is all around, love is all around us, baby love is here, love is there our love is everywhere love is all around Aah! love is all around baby, I will treat you right you know I got it goin' on I don't want to be the only one believing I don't want to be the one who said goodbye [ record scratches .]
what am I doing here? I should be with my man on our special night! [ babbling .]
Yeah, you like getting weird in that grill? I got something else that'll leave some marks on your meat.
Are you ignoring me? No! [ babbling .]
Marshlands.
You sure get sloppy quick after one cosmo.
Should I call you Miranda? 'cause I would've made love to Miranda -- All that red hair and sass.
What do I need to do to get your attention, big boy? [ whimpers .]
No! So evil! They are naughty, aren't they? Marshland! Get to drill! Is that what you want? You wanna drill me at the marshlands? That would be kind of a thrill, wouldn't it, You sadistic hot mess? Marshlands! I'll take my dinner in a doggie bag, And can we put my date in the trunk? Ah, yes.
Uh, we need a Matthew McConaughey special! [ bell dings .]
Diondre, get your whip And "tokyo drift" me out of here! I've got to stop Balthazor! Oh, snap, jealous female! It's "fast and furious" time! Yeah! [ tires screech, engine revs .]
My whip is not death proof, Tina! [ horn honks .]
Aah! [ tires screech, horn honks .]
Do you still have that bag, by chance? [ vomits .]
Huh? Where am I? [ babbling .]
[ thud! .]
[ slap! Slap! Slap! .]
I'm in the back of the car! What the What are we doing at the marshlands? Did we sign the papers? Not yet.
We're just about to seal the deal.
[ flies buzzing .]
Am I still hallucinating Or does this duck have a gorgeous set of teeth? All the animals are mutants here, Thanks to you and your precious company.
Really? And -- and that doesn't bother you? Nah, I'm dead inside After everything these eyes have witnessed.
[ monkeys shriek .]
[ sobs .]
[ sobs .]
[ sobs .]
Do you know what it's like To breast-feed a dying baby oyster Because the oceans are so poisoned? I can't even imagine.
Ah, it's horrible.
No one cares about the environment except al Gore, And no one listens to him because he's a chubby gay.
I used to care, But you have no idea how evil humanity can be.
Actually, I do have a fairly decent background with that.
But you can change the world.
Don't give up.
Excuse me, pot to kettle.
Over.
You're having sex with me To turn these poison marshes into preschools.
It's not worth it! These marshes are precious, And preschool children are precious.
And you know what? My marriage is precious! So much preciousness! Deal off! No! Pants off! [ moaning, smooching .]
My Balthazor hun bun bun is here.
I can smell him.
[ tires screech .]
Get your own damn man! [ martial arts music plays .]
No powers, Tina! [ siren wails .]
look at our faces! We all look the same! [ wailing stops, car doors slam .]
What do you think, Erica? Should we break 'em up? Naw, let's see if one of their tops comes off first.
Yeah! Ah, Erica, you're such a lezzie cop.
I got to break it up.
All right, ladies, enough fun.
She's not human! She has a tail! She was flying! Sounds like you're flying, lady.
Why don't you fly with us down to the station For a blood test? I'm going to come back and kill you all in your sleep With my irritable beaver! Did someone say "irritable beaver"? Hellman, what the hell is going on here? Why aren't you knee deep in Alex sealing the deal? Sir, I was going to, and then I realized We cannot put a school on a toxic wasteland Because there's something more precious going on here.
[ squeaking .]
Hot corn! It looks like mother nature forgot her kotex.
I don't know how you do it.
I give you the task of getting the marshlands approved, And somehow you find oil! Well done, Hellman.
I'm promoting you To senior adviser to the regional vice president Of international mergers and acquisitions, Analysis and integration "senior adviser to the regional" There it is.
Oh, how did I manage to get promoted Even farther from the drill? Balthy, I'm sorry I got so jealous.
I guess picturing you with another woman Made me more emotional than I expected.
Sounds like a human thing to say.
Do humans kiss like this? you are my marsh you are my land I am your home you are my ham Both: together we will make some sweet love together together anniversary sweet love together Ooh! Yes! Nailed it! Oh, yeah, we nailed it! [ laughter .]
What is a vegan demon's favorite food? Ooh, ooh, ooh! Guess right here! The fake meat made from wheat gluten -- Seitan! [ giggles .]
That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
[ laughter .]
Shut your mouths! My jokes are for me only! And mister mister.
Mm.
[ coos .]
Justify your lives! Well, I got a promotion And learned that sexual harassment in the workplace Is very real.
It's incredible how far physical relations can get you up here.
Wait, wait, wait -- Are you saying that sex has power on earth? Yes! Well, this is all news to me.
Yeah? No, silly! Sex fuels the underworld! Who do you think invented it? Ooh, the Kardashian with the big badonkadonk? You mean like all of them? [ laughs .]
Actually, I'm rather keen on that one who looks like a man.
She can back that thing up All over Necromuncula's dirty little face.
Noooo, rude.
Get to that drill! I'm serious.
This is my serious face.
I've got to go.
My apple Newton just booted up.
I might play this new game called tetris! Satan out.
Happy anniversary, balthy.
Maybe we should skip the rest of dinner And have dessert upstairs.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
[ gulps .]
Do with me as you wish, milady.
Looks like you have a date with the beach boys And some good vibrations.
[ laughs .]
Oh, Uncle Vlaartark! I love you, guys! [ vomits .]
Together: We love you, too!