Neon Joe, Werewolf Hunter (2015) s01e04 Episode Script
Dignity Cap
1 Previously on Neon Joe, Werewolf He-yump The werewolf is dead.
That's how we buckercise! You probably want to hear about my backstory.
I'm going to make a lasagna.
You want to get in on this, son.
Oh, my God.
The biggest threat we have to anybody finding out about us is you! I'm emotionally ready to take on a new best friend.
Evening, Sonny.
Hey, Neon Joe! Right on time for his nightly post-work cocktail.
Brand-new drink on the menu.
Came up with it in your honor.
I call it the Neon Glow.
Whoa! Look at that there.
Let me take a little sip.
Mmm! Yeah, it tastes like a dead raccoon butthole, but, uh, sure do look cool.
Hey, as they say, it's the thought that he-yump.
You know I've really been enjoying my time here every night, when I come in after a long, stressful work day and you and I, just the two of us, getting to hang out, and Uh, I lost my best friend, uh, a few years back, and been kind of thinking about getting a new one lately.
And I was thinking that maybe you might wa-- Thanks for the backpack, Sonny.
For the life of me, I can't fin-- Hey, Neon Joe.
And goodbye.
I'm gonna get hi-i-i-i-i-gh! Where he going? Barrett goes on a three-day Ayahuasca retreat every year.
Last year he said he fell in love with Mother Nature, filled a hole in the ground with baked beans, and had sex with it.
I done that once.
Put my fist in it.
He-yump.
So, you were saying something about a new best friend? Oh, uh Yeah.
Uh You know what, never mind.
I-I-I got to go bed.
That damn raccoon butthole need -- need to be fixed up.
I'll go -- I'll go help out that raccoon, and I'll see you later.
Episode 01x04 "Dignity Cap" Now, while I understand everybody's all "Bing, bong, the wolf is dead," I would like to remind everyone that Matt's still running around out there somewhere up in he-yump.
And I do hate to bring up money at a time like -- You want a new contract.
Done.
Same amount as last time.
Uh, he-yump.
Uh, wow, that -- that went easier than I thought.
I even brought some of my mama's famous convincing gumbo.
Oh, man.
I thought you and I could share a bowl - over this del-- - You have your money.
I don't need your soup.
$75k.
Same as last time.
You can count it if you like.
Oh, I've held many a thick, meaty wad in my hand before.
I'd say, uh, this feels about right.
I don't really see why we need to kill Matt.
I mean, he's probably long gone, anyway.
Or if not, we could tame him.
Like the wolf in Minecraft.
You guys ever play that? Oh, he-yump.
That boy gonna die.
Let's go.
Enjoy the gumbo.
Oh, uh, sorry.
I thought this was a restroom.
There's one down the hall.
He took the bait.
Chum's in the water.
The idiot is swimming right into my metaphor.
I'll be there as soon as I finish playing tennis with my current lover.
Yo, mayor.
I want to talk to my moms.
I want to call a lawyer.
Where are my Sean John jeans, man? My Timberlands? When we found you, your clothes were ripped from the trans-- Transformation, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Y'all keep saying that.
But I ain't no werewolf, son.
I told you, I escaped when we got attacked while playing hacky last night.
Not quite.
You've been in a coma for the last few weeks.
Apparently you can change yourself into a werewolf whenever you want.
Because you came to and busted out of the hospital.
But I planted a GPS on you, so tracking you down was not a problem.
Yo, those better not be my Sean Johns.
They are.
Where are we, anyway, man? Where's Georgia? You need not concern yourself with Georgia or your Sean Johns.
You and Neon Joe will both be dead shortly.
Wh-Wh-What you talking 'bout, son? Those stupid jeans of yours are the very thing that are going to lure Neon Joe right into our trap.
Doc is putting the plan into motion right now.
That's what I'm talking about, son.
I'm at a, uh, party section of the woods that the local teens refer to as 40 Acres.
Kind of thought this might be a spot where -- -He-yump.
-Don't shoot! You ought to be more careful sneaking up on someone like that, Sonny.
What you want? Neon Joe, what if I were to tell you that I am not human? That there's a tiny spaceship hidden in the Garrity oak tree, that I am a tiny cybot? What you talking 'bout, Sonny? Wh-What a cybot? Half cyborg, half robot.
Cyborg already half robot.
Shhh! Don't worry about that.
Look, I'm just trying to tell you that I am from a planet millions of miles away.
We've been here for tens of thousands of years.
Crash-landed, lost power, been trapped here ever since.
Mayor's a cybot, Doc's a cybot.
They got Matt and they're gonna kill him.
They're gonna kill you, too.
We're a peaceful people, but Mayor's gone mad! Get your hands off me! Here.
Take this.
Red ones shrink you down, green ones make you grow.
You trying to tell me this is some kind of space food? To think I was about to ask you to be my best friend.
I was gonna invest in your bar.
We turn it into a Hawaiian-themed place called Oahu Joe's.
Start a clothing line for the man who prefer the more chill lifestyle.
But you ain't best-friend material.
Nah, man.
You crazier than one of them he-yump-he-yump clocks.
A he-yump-he-yump clock.
Got little birdie inside, pop out the door, Go "He-yump-he-yump.
He-yump-he-yump.
" You'll know when to use it.
Then you'll know I'm telling the truth.
He-yump.
Anyway, like I was saying about Matt I'm so happy you're in my life.
Matt's always needed a father figure.
What a coincidence.
Ever since we started humping, I consider Matt a son figure.
You know, I don't care if killing Matt is the government-sanctioned murder of a supernatural creature.
I'm gonna find him and protect him.
Dalton.
Yep.
On my way.
A shredded pair of Sean Johns were just found by the Garrity oak.
That's got to be Matt.
Nobody else has the ass to rock Sean John jeans like Matt does.
Mnh-mnh.
Okay.
Five more quick reps before I go.
Looking good, Cleve.
Looking good.
Yeah, we gonna set this giant hacky sack in the woods and lure Matt, just like the Trojan horse.
When you open the hatch, use that element of surprise and then wham! We kill that creature.
Also gonna set up this here boom box, play some reggae.
Them hacky-sackers, they love mellow tunes.
Hey, Neon Joe, I was wondering, How did you become a werewolf hunter, anyways? At last, the perfect opportunity for me to tell my backstory.
Read it and weep.
"--it" Duh-uh "It guh-- uh, guh" Thanks a lot, Cleve.
You totally ruined the climactic buildup of my backstory.
I'll make a long story short.
My mother and father abandoned me.
I was raised by wolves.
They turned out to be werewolf.
Daddy had an affair with the nanny.
Mama got so upset she killed herself.
Suicide by cop.
I dedicated the rest of my whole life to hunting werewolf in the hope that one of these time, it turn out to be my daddy, and I avenge my mama.
Oh, my gosh.
And that's all true? As true as these beats are jah.
Oh, ho! Then it must be true, because these beats are jah.
Get back to work, Cleve.
He-yump.
He-yump.
A-he-yump.
What he-yump? He-yump.
Cleve, pair of ripped-up Sean John jeans was just found next to Garrity oak.
That must be Matt.
I love the way those Sean Johns hug his curves.
Keep working on the hack.
I'll be back soon.
Hello, Neon Joe.
Oh, my God! Your backstory! No, this ain't my daddy.
I seen you following me around.
What you want? I'm here to help you achieve closure.
Closure? Closure for what? Your father.
I knew it! Your backstory! Your last name Willis? No, why? 'cause right about now I feel like saying, "What you talking 'bout, Bruce?" Matt? Smells weird.
Something doesn't seem right.
Feel like this might be a trap.
I'm gonna try it anyway.
Pretty sure my instincts are totally wrong on this one.
Hmm.
Just as I thought.
Plain jelly.
Holy [bleep.]
! Your father will join us in a moment.
To keep fiery emotions in check, I'd like to affix you with a penotine.
Peno- Come again? A penotine.
A penile guillotine.
Affixed to the crotch, the tip goes here.
It's pressure rigged to detect the slightest hint of anger in the body.
At the first sign of extreme emotion, the blade is released.
He-yump.
You'll also have to put this on.
What that? It's a dignity cap.
Covers the tip.
Let's get this over with.
Good.
Hello, son.
How stupid can you be, Sonny? Did you forget there are cameras everywhere? You betrayed your people, and now you must die.
Cybot code.
What would you know about Cybot code? Cybot code outlines being a peaceful people.
20,000 years on this stupid rock is in jeopardy.
This is not a time for peace.
Cybot bylaw number 219 -- No cybot will initiate war on another species.
Cybot bylaw 219a -- Any cybot has the right to defend itself -- That is an inappropriate interpretation of bylaw number 219a! Cybot bylaw 73.
"I'm Sonny Coco, and I'm a complete idiot.
" What kind of mayor are you? Where's the riverfront clean-up project?! I'm a third-term -- Power system re-engaged.
Power system shutting down.
Do that again.
Power system re-engaged.
-Power system shutting down.
-Your deaths are on hold.
This werewolf just might get us home.
I never had an affair.
I made up that story so your mother would leave me.
I felt the both of you would be safer without me around.
I didn't know she was going to kill her-- to kill herself.
I'll never be able to forgive myself.
I could only hope you could find it in your heart to forgive me.
Fine.
I'll do all the talking.
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry about walking out.
I'm sorry about your mother.
I'm sorry about the fact that you've never, ever killed a werewolf.
Come aga-he-yump? Uh-oh.
Ahh.
Ah! Mmm.
Haa! Oh! Oh! all-loving Mother Nature, I look to you for some sign of spiritual enlightenment.
Oooh! Barrett Step away.
this is official Neon Joe business.
It knows my name! You got to step back.
You want to have sex? Oh! It is a sign from Mother Nature! I'm a-coming.
I'm coming.
Step back! Step back! Oh, yeah.
Ohhhh! What? Son, I know you think you've been tracking me, but I've been tracking you your whole life.
No one knows better how to kill a werewolf than a werewolf.
South Dakota, in the Badlands.
Albuquerque, in that drainage ditch.
I was with you the whole time.
I kept my distance pretty good.
Timed my shots so you never knew I was there.
Yeah, that's right! That's how you kill a werewolf, Joe! You take on Joe, you gonna lose! I also nourished you at night when I had a chance, doing dream feed.
He-yump.
I was just a dad watching out for his child.
I'm sorry son.
He-yump! You know, I -- I always wondered what I would say if I ever got the chance to kill you.
In my fantasy scenario, I got you tied up on your knees.
Stick my gun in your mouth, say something macho like, "You chew the math.
" Seem funny and cool all at the same time.
Please, son.
Hey, don't you call me son.
I'm not your son.
Go easy, Joe.
Hey, this session over.
Now, I suggest you leave right away, 'cause soon as I get this chip-chop machine off my peepee, blood gonna spill.
Ah -Ah -Wait.
Wait, your penotine! Mother Nature feels good.
Barrett! Aaah! What are you doing? Get out of here! It worked! We had a baby! After thousands of years of trying to power the ship, the thing that just might get us home is a werewolf howl.
There is more raw, condensed energy in that howl than 100,000 gallons of diesel fuel.
And yet it's not enough.
We need more.
But how? Ah! My dignity! Power system re-engaged.
I'll be damned.
Power system shutting down.
Mmm.
Whoa.
Neon -- He-yah! Yeah! Yeah! I knew buckercise would pay off! Whoo-hoo! Neon Joe! Neon Joe! Down here! What the he-yump? Red ones shrink you down, green ones make you grow.
Sheriff! Aah! What? Eat this! I got it! Okay.
Here it goes! Everything you need to know is right in here.
What is that? My daddy dick? Ah, he-yump.
Yeah, you go with Joe, you going down! Yeah, you dead now! Get on up in here.
You don't [bleep.]
with this guy! That's right! [Bleep.]
yeah! It's 1991.
I don't [bleep.]
around like I did in the '80s when I went to the disco.
Try to come out with me.
You dead in the ground, Jack! Yeah! Get on up in he-yump! Sync & correct-he-yump by dwigt
That's how we buckercise! You probably want to hear about my backstory.
I'm going to make a lasagna.
You want to get in on this, son.
Oh, my God.
The biggest threat we have to anybody finding out about us is you! I'm emotionally ready to take on a new best friend.
Evening, Sonny.
Hey, Neon Joe! Right on time for his nightly post-work cocktail.
Brand-new drink on the menu.
Came up with it in your honor.
I call it the Neon Glow.
Whoa! Look at that there.
Let me take a little sip.
Mmm! Yeah, it tastes like a dead raccoon butthole, but, uh, sure do look cool.
Hey, as they say, it's the thought that he-yump.
You know I've really been enjoying my time here every night, when I come in after a long, stressful work day and you and I, just the two of us, getting to hang out, and Uh, I lost my best friend, uh, a few years back, and been kind of thinking about getting a new one lately.
And I was thinking that maybe you might wa-- Thanks for the backpack, Sonny.
For the life of me, I can't fin-- Hey, Neon Joe.
And goodbye.
I'm gonna get hi-i-i-i-i-gh! Where he going? Barrett goes on a three-day Ayahuasca retreat every year.
Last year he said he fell in love with Mother Nature, filled a hole in the ground with baked beans, and had sex with it.
I done that once.
Put my fist in it.
He-yump.
So, you were saying something about a new best friend? Oh, uh Yeah.
Uh You know what, never mind.
I-I-I got to go bed.
That damn raccoon butthole need -- need to be fixed up.
I'll go -- I'll go help out that raccoon, and I'll see you later.
Episode 01x04 "Dignity Cap" Now, while I understand everybody's all "Bing, bong, the wolf is dead," I would like to remind everyone that Matt's still running around out there somewhere up in he-yump.
And I do hate to bring up money at a time like -- You want a new contract.
Done.
Same amount as last time.
Uh, he-yump.
Uh, wow, that -- that went easier than I thought.
I even brought some of my mama's famous convincing gumbo.
Oh, man.
I thought you and I could share a bowl - over this del-- - You have your money.
I don't need your soup.
$75k.
Same as last time.
You can count it if you like.
Oh, I've held many a thick, meaty wad in my hand before.
I'd say, uh, this feels about right.
I don't really see why we need to kill Matt.
I mean, he's probably long gone, anyway.
Or if not, we could tame him.
Like the wolf in Minecraft.
You guys ever play that? Oh, he-yump.
That boy gonna die.
Let's go.
Enjoy the gumbo.
Oh, uh, sorry.
I thought this was a restroom.
There's one down the hall.
He took the bait.
Chum's in the water.
The idiot is swimming right into my metaphor.
I'll be there as soon as I finish playing tennis with my current lover.
Yo, mayor.
I want to talk to my moms.
I want to call a lawyer.
Where are my Sean John jeans, man? My Timberlands? When we found you, your clothes were ripped from the trans-- Transformation, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Y'all keep saying that.
But I ain't no werewolf, son.
I told you, I escaped when we got attacked while playing hacky last night.
Not quite.
You've been in a coma for the last few weeks.
Apparently you can change yourself into a werewolf whenever you want.
Because you came to and busted out of the hospital.
But I planted a GPS on you, so tracking you down was not a problem.
Yo, those better not be my Sean Johns.
They are.
Where are we, anyway, man? Where's Georgia? You need not concern yourself with Georgia or your Sean Johns.
You and Neon Joe will both be dead shortly.
Wh-Wh-What you talking 'bout, son? Those stupid jeans of yours are the very thing that are going to lure Neon Joe right into our trap.
Doc is putting the plan into motion right now.
That's what I'm talking about, son.
I'm at a, uh, party section of the woods that the local teens refer to as 40 Acres.
Kind of thought this might be a spot where -- -He-yump.
-Don't shoot! You ought to be more careful sneaking up on someone like that, Sonny.
What you want? Neon Joe, what if I were to tell you that I am not human? That there's a tiny spaceship hidden in the Garrity oak tree, that I am a tiny cybot? What you talking 'bout, Sonny? Wh-What a cybot? Half cyborg, half robot.
Cyborg already half robot.
Shhh! Don't worry about that.
Look, I'm just trying to tell you that I am from a planet millions of miles away.
We've been here for tens of thousands of years.
Crash-landed, lost power, been trapped here ever since.
Mayor's a cybot, Doc's a cybot.
They got Matt and they're gonna kill him.
They're gonna kill you, too.
We're a peaceful people, but Mayor's gone mad! Get your hands off me! Here.
Take this.
Red ones shrink you down, green ones make you grow.
You trying to tell me this is some kind of space food? To think I was about to ask you to be my best friend.
I was gonna invest in your bar.
We turn it into a Hawaiian-themed place called Oahu Joe's.
Start a clothing line for the man who prefer the more chill lifestyle.
But you ain't best-friend material.
Nah, man.
You crazier than one of them he-yump-he-yump clocks.
A he-yump-he-yump clock.
Got little birdie inside, pop out the door, Go "He-yump-he-yump.
He-yump-he-yump.
" You'll know when to use it.
Then you'll know I'm telling the truth.
He-yump.
Anyway, like I was saying about Matt I'm so happy you're in my life.
Matt's always needed a father figure.
What a coincidence.
Ever since we started humping, I consider Matt a son figure.
You know, I don't care if killing Matt is the government-sanctioned murder of a supernatural creature.
I'm gonna find him and protect him.
Dalton.
Yep.
On my way.
A shredded pair of Sean Johns were just found by the Garrity oak.
That's got to be Matt.
Nobody else has the ass to rock Sean John jeans like Matt does.
Mnh-mnh.
Okay.
Five more quick reps before I go.
Looking good, Cleve.
Looking good.
Yeah, we gonna set this giant hacky sack in the woods and lure Matt, just like the Trojan horse.
When you open the hatch, use that element of surprise and then wham! We kill that creature.
Also gonna set up this here boom box, play some reggae.
Them hacky-sackers, they love mellow tunes.
Hey, Neon Joe, I was wondering, How did you become a werewolf hunter, anyways? At last, the perfect opportunity for me to tell my backstory.
Read it and weep.
"--it" Duh-uh "It guh-- uh, guh" Thanks a lot, Cleve.
You totally ruined the climactic buildup of my backstory.
I'll make a long story short.
My mother and father abandoned me.
I was raised by wolves.
They turned out to be werewolf.
Daddy had an affair with the nanny.
Mama got so upset she killed herself.
Suicide by cop.
I dedicated the rest of my whole life to hunting werewolf in the hope that one of these time, it turn out to be my daddy, and I avenge my mama.
Oh, my gosh.
And that's all true? As true as these beats are jah.
Oh, ho! Then it must be true, because these beats are jah.
Get back to work, Cleve.
He-yump.
He-yump.
A-he-yump.
What he-yump? He-yump.
Cleve, pair of ripped-up Sean John jeans was just found next to Garrity oak.
That must be Matt.
I love the way those Sean Johns hug his curves.
Keep working on the hack.
I'll be back soon.
Hello, Neon Joe.
Oh, my God! Your backstory! No, this ain't my daddy.
I seen you following me around.
What you want? I'm here to help you achieve closure.
Closure? Closure for what? Your father.
I knew it! Your backstory! Your last name Willis? No, why? 'cause right about now I feel like saying, "What you talking 'bout, Bruce?" Matt? Smells weird.
Something doesn't seem right.
Feel like this might be a trap.
I'm gonna try it anyway.
Pretty sure my instincts are totally wrong on this one.
Hmm.
Just as I thought.
Plain jelly.
Holy [bleep.]
! Your father will join us in a moment.
To keep fiery emotions in check, I'd like to affix you with a penotine.
Peno- Come again? A penotine.
A penile guillotine.
Affixed to the crotch, the tip goes here.
It's pressure rigged to detect the slightest hint of anger in the body.
At the first sign of extreme emotion, the blade is released.
He-yump.
You'll also have to put this on.
What that? It's a dignity cap.
Covers the tip.
Let's get this over with.
Good.
Hello, son.
How stupid can you be, Sonny? Did you forget there are cameras everywhere? You betrayed your people, and now you must die.
Cybot code.
What would you know about Cybot code? Cybot code outlines being a peaceful people.
20,000 years on this stupid rock is in jeopardy.
This is not a time for peace.
Cybot bylaw number 219 -- No cybot will initiate war on another species.
Cybot bylaw 219a -- Any cybot has the right to defend itself -- That is an inappropriate interpretation of bylaw number 219a! Cybot bylaw 73.
"I'm Sonny Coco, and I'm a complete idiot.
" What kind of mayor are you? Where's the riverfront clean-up project?! I'm a third-term -- Power system re-engaged.
Power system shutting down.
Do that again.
Power system re-engaged.
-Power system shutting down.
-Your deaths are on hold.
This werewolf just might get us home.
I never had an affair.
I made up that story so your mother would leave me.
I felt the both of you would be safer without me around.
I didn't know she was going to kill her-- to kill herself.
I'll never be able to forgive myself.
I could only hope you could find it in your heart to forgive me.
Fine.
I'll do all the talking.
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry about walking out.
I'm sorry about your mother.
I'm sorry about the fact that you've never, ever killed a werewolf.
Come aga-he-yump? Uh-oh.
Ahh.
Ah! Mmm.
Haa! Oh! Oh! all-loving Mother Nature, I look to you for some sign of spiritual enlightenment.
Oooh! Barrett Step away.
this is official Neon Joe business.
It knows my name! You got to step back.
You want to have sex? Oh! It is a sign from Mother Nature! I'm a-coming.
I'm coming.
Step back! Step back! Oh, yeah.
Ohhhh! What? Son, I know you think you've been tracking me, but I've been tracking you your whole life.
No one knows better how to kill a werewolf than a werewolf.
South Dakota, in the Badlands.
Albuquerque, in that drainage ditch.
I was with you the whole time.
I kept my distance pretty good.
Timed my shots so you never knew I was there.
Yeah, that's right! That's how you kill a werewolf, Joe! You take on Joe, you gonna lose! I also nourished you at night when I had a chance, doing dream feed.
He-yump.
I was just a dad watching out for his child.
I'm sorry son.
He-yump! You know, I -- I always wondered what I would say if I ever got the chance to kill you.
In my fantasy scenario, I got you tied up on your knees.
Stick my gun in your mouth, say something macho like, "You chew the math.
" Seem funny and cool all at the same time.
Please, son.
Hey, don't you call me son.
I'm not your son.
Go easy, Joe.
Hey, this session over.
Now, I suggest you leave right away, 'cause soon as I get this chip-chop machine off my peepee, blood gonna spill.
Ah -Ah -Wait.
Wait, your penotine! Mother Nature feels good.
Barrett! Aaah! What are you doing? Get out of here! It worked! We had a baby! After thousands of years of trying to power the ship, the thing that just might get us home is a werewolf howl.
There is more raw, condensed energy in that howl than 100,000 gallons of diesel fuel.
And yet it's not enough.
We need more.
But how? Ah! My dignity! Power system re-engaged.
I'll be damned.
Power system shutting down.
Mmm.
Whoa.
Neon -- He-yah! Yeah! Yeah! I knew buckercise would pay off! Whoo-hoo! Neon Joe! Neon Joe! Down here! What the he-yump? Red ones shrink you down, green ones make you grow.
Sheriff! Aah! What? Eat this! I got it! Okay.
Here it goes! Everything you need to know is right in here.
What is that? My daddy dick? Ah, he-yump.
Yeah, you go with Joe, you going down! Yeah, you dead now! Get on up in here.
You don't [bleep.]
with this guy! That's right! [Bleep.]
yeah! It's 1991.
I don't [bleep.]
around like I did in the '80s when I went to the disco.
Try to come out with me.
You dead in the ground, Jack! Yeah! Get on up in he-yump! Sync & correct-he-yump by dwigt