No Activity (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
The Metric System
1 TOLBECK: Say, can I ask you a personal question? Why not? Do you ever wear your work shoes on the weekends? Why are none of your personal questions actually personal? Well, the question is about your personal life, so it is a personal question.
FATIMA [ON RADIO.]
: Car 27.
Please report.
Car 27.
No, no, no, it's me, for me, for me, for me.
Car 27.
- Hey, how are ya, Fatima? - FATIMA: Fine.
So, no activity, I presume? CULLEN: Uh, no activity.
Copy that, dispatch out.
Thought you said the date went well.
- Uh, the date went amazingly well.
- Really? If anything, it went too well.
Really? 'Cause it didn't sound like it.
Oh, no, she's just it's a little awkward back and forth.
She's being coy and professional, you know.
This is phase two.
This is the you know, this is the dance we do.
I'm loving this.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
- So it went good, huh? - Oh, man, I mean All I can say is, was Venus in retrograde last night? I'm thinking it was.
You don't believe in astrology.
[LAUGHS.]
: After last night, I believe in anything.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It was good.
I couldn't believe it.
If I could get a memory abortion, I would.
- Geez.
- Yep.
So, I booked us a table for two - at Señor Siam.
- Oh.
Kind of place I wouldn't be caught dead in.
We're looking at the menus, and I go, - Mm-hmm.
- "Um, here's a fun game, why don't we order for each other?" And I've ordered him the dry curry because he will not shut up about it how it's the hottest dish in San Diego, but he can take it.
- Did you tell her to? - Well, I was talking about it and I think she kind of knew I wanted to eat it.
He takes one bite of it, and is, like, sweating.
I'm not gonna lie, I was sweating a little bit.
- Mmm.
- [CHUCKLES.]
It was pretty hot.
Breathing really heavy.
- He gets really red in the face, - [CHUCKLES.]
and his eyes are bulging, and he's, like, quivering.
And the waiter comes over, he's like, "Have some coconut cream.
" I'm like, "No, no, no, I don't need that.
" And takes another mouthful of the dry curry, and we go through the whole thing again.
- Oh, boy.
- Yeah, it gets worse.
We leave the restaurant, okay, - and we take a taxi back to her place.
- Mmm.
And I'm thinking, "Yes, finally.
" But he wants to walk me in, and I'm like, "No, I'm tired.
" I give him the spiel, like, "I work in the morning.
" The next thing I know, I turn around, he's paying the cab fare.
And we walk up to her building, you know.
- Mm-hmm.
- And we go inside.
The minute we walk in the door, I get this terrible rumble in my stomach.
Uh-oh.
Food poisoning? Yeah.
- From the Massaman burrito he ordered me.
- Oh She goes straight into the bathroom, and she's in there for, like, 20, 25 minutes.
Just vomiting, and, like, retching, just getting it out, and it's ugh.
I mean, she must've been fixing everything up - and getting all the stuff ready.
- Uh-huh.
- I don't know what she was doing in there.
- Yeah.
But my mind was going crazy.
Honestly, I'm thinking, at least, silver lining: he's probably gone.
Like, who would wait for, like, a half an hour, while I'm vomiting? - He does.
He waits.
- [GASPS.]
I open the door, and he's still there.
And she looks pretty good.
And, uh, then just in case I did get this far, I wore my special T-shirt, under my shirt.
- I bought it for this, uh, women's march.
- Mm-hmm.
I didn't go on the march, but I kept the T-shirt.
And then, he What? My God, wha-what? He starts unbuttoning his shirt, and his T-shirt underneath, it says "This is what a feminist looks like.
" Get out of town.
[CHUCKLING.]
: Whoa.
Whoa.
- Yeah.
- CULLEN: And we start making out, you know.
We're going like frisky teenagers, - really going for it.
- Mm-hmm.
All I can remember is, like, his tongue.
And it was like a German Shepherd, like, licking an ice cream cone.
But she's like, "You know what? I'm kind of tired.
" So, uh, I say, "Let's just take it slow, okay? We've got a long road ahead, we've got a lot of time.
" "We spent a lot of time tonight in Head Town.
Mm-hmm.
"I can feel that we're on the way to Heart Town.
You know? So let's take all the stops along the way.
" - 'Cause all roads lead to Fuck Town.
- [LAUGHING.]
Am I right? Yeah! - Fuck Town, here we come! - Oh, buddy, I'm going to Fuck Town.
Yeah.
It was literally the worst date I have ever been on.
The worst.
Anyway, we're gonna go to Fuck Town, I can feel it.
Fuck - Yeah.
Good for you, man.
- Yeah.
Thanks, man.
- JANICE: Car 27, come in.
Car 27? - Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, this is 27.
Go ahead.
Over.
Yup, just checking in on him.
- Him? - Mason.
Oh.
Yeah, he's fine.
He's doing good.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
Nice work.
Pretty good hole.
I mean, we knocked that out of the park.
That's a Rolls-Royce of holes.
Yeah, we made pretty good time.
And they're sending some guy to look at it later tonight.
- What guy? - I don't know, this guy Pat the Rat.
He's coming by to inspect the hole.
Remember I told you that? Okay, well, he better keep his mouth shut, okay? 'Cause we we dug a red-hot hole.
I don't want anyone talkin' shit about it.
Okay.
What else did I tell you? Who are you? - [ITALIAN ACCENT.]
: I'm Marco.
I'm Marco.
- You're Marco.
- Si.
I'm Marco.
- No.
No.
- Don't do the voice.
You're just Marco.
- No.
If they ask you who you are, you answer, "Marco.
" No, I was thinking about But I, but I want to I kind of want to do a broken English-Italian hybrid, you know.
[ITALIAN ACCENT.]
: My grandpa, he drive a gondola.
Si.
Si.
I'm Marco.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
: And then they just move on.
No.
Like, "Oh, don't talk to Marco, you talk to this guy.
" Don't do that.
Just be Marco in your normal voice.
Why? You don't need Marco I'm here.
Because they hired me and Marco, so that's who they expect to be doing the job.
But if they expect to meet Marco and they meet me, they're gonna be like, "God, this guy is way more fun than Marco.
" It's not a competition about who's more fun.
I know.
I'm way more fun than Marco.
Look, they will kill us both if you're not Marco, if they find out that someone else is here, do you understand? They will kill us both.
Okay.
Fine.
[ITALIAN ACCENT.]
: I'll be Marco [NORMAL VOICE.]
: with a normal voice.
[GRUFF VOICE.]
: Marco.
I'll be Marco.
Can I just affect it that way? I'm Marco.
You're really you're really starting to frustrate me here.
Can we meet halfway? I won't say a word, but I just get I get an internal monologue.
I'm not saying this.
I'm only thinking this.
[ITALIAN ACCENT.]
: Please, don't ask Marco a question.
His English not so good.
[SIGHS.]
ROBERTO: Sorry I had to rest.
Another migraine.
It's cool, man.
It's good for my journey, you know? Yeah.
Overcame migraines and gonorrhea, while digging his way to America and fame and fortune.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I like that about you.
You're very confident, cabrón.
Just got to be, man.
You do.
It's all possible.
I'm gonna be a successful comedian.
Be on the talk shows, "Hey, how are you?" Oh.
"I'm fine.
" - [LAUGHS.]
- And win an Oscar and have a beautiful entourage.
- Everything.
- Oh, the-the life.
The life, cabrón.
I wish that for you.
- Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I don't think that comedians win Oscars, though.
Sure, they do.
Acting's the easy bit.
Nah.
No, I don't think that's true, cabrón.
Sure it is.
Do you know the acting test? Uh, there's an acting test? Saying "I love you" to someone and being believed.
You do that, you're an actor.
- Really? - Yeah.
Come on.
- Give it a go.
You try it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- No, no, that's not my - No, seriously, let me hear it.
No, I'm shy, cabrón.
- Just give it a shot.
- All right.
I love you, eh? - [SNIFFS.]
- That was terrible.
- Come on, really.
Just say it.
- I was just shy.
- Okay.
[SIGHS.]
- Throw it away.
- I guess I love you.
- No.
Say it and mean it.
I got one.
Um [WHISPERS.]
: I love you.
- Louder.
- Okay.
I love you.
- You love me? - I do.
I love you.
Then why are you lying to me? Because I don't believe you.
Roberto, I love you.
Just say it and mean it.
- I-I love you.
- We have to - dig the tunnel.
Come on.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I love you! - Oh, my God, it's terrible.
You suck.
- Awful.
Awful.
- Why are you doing this to me? - I might throw up.
- God, - it's hard.
You do it.
- [EXHALES.]
- You show me.
- I will.
Give me a second.
[EXHALES.]
I love you.
[EXHALES.]
That was very powerful, cabrón.
Yeah.
That was acting.
You just shake it off like this? - Yep.
- [EXHALES.]
It was, like, deep inside.
I feel really close to you right now.
No.
You don't have to get weird about it.
It was just acting.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
- Yeah.
Well, I love you, too.
Yeah, I don't love you.
I was acting.
- That's it.
- Okay.
Or do I? JANICE: You can't put Mason in a hotel room overnight.
Because he's a 15-year-old boy, that's why.
We'll talk about this when I get home.
[SIGHS.]
Daryl? Yeah, my fiancé Daryl.
He's back home.
What about the well-dressed gay gentleman? It was all Mason.
- What? - Yeah.
He masterminded the entire thing.
What he did was he tracked down - Daryl's ex-wife Brandi - Uh-huh.
who's in Las Colinas, doing five years.
So, what he does is he goes to jail, tells her that he's doing a podcast for a school project.
- Right? And that he found a break - Oh, God.
in the case that might prove her innocence.
So, Brandi's telling him all sorts of things about Daryl - his personal life - Mm-hmm.
all this crazy stuff that he was into, you know.
And, of course, Mason's all ears.
I mean, she's telling him stuff that I would never - Of course.
- tell a 15-year-old boy.
So, he's taking this information and he's going on these gay online chat rooms, - posing as Daryl.
- Yeah.
And he convinced a man who lives on the other side of the country that he was a gay man, had him come all the way over here, and fall in love with him.
And to I mean, to leave his entire family? I mean, tell me, what other 15-year-old boy do you know that could pull something like that off? Yeah, but what about Daryl and Mason? - How are they getting along? - Mm.
Yeah, there's a lot of tension, and, you know, Daryl's always accusing Mason of being insane.
- Right.
- Says, "He's the devil, - he's a demon, ruined my life.
" - Yeah.
For sure.
Uh-huh.
"He needs to go to a psychiatric hospital.
" All that kind of stuff.
I mean, I love the guy, but he just focuses on the little things, and he has just issues with just letting things go.
You know? And it builds up and it creates stress.
I think it's time he sees a shrink.
Mason? Daryl.
Are you even listening to me? Why would Mason go see a shrink? Um Bing bong.
ADRIAN: I got it.
Yeah, fine.
I'll just be Marco.
I'm just Marco.
I don't say a word.
Maybe I give a look? - [SCOFFS.]
- I'll make sure I check in with you though.
Yeah.
And since we're doing each other's favors, I want to get your advice on a problem I'm having.
- Is it about my mom? - No.
In fact, it isn't.
It's about this "woman.
" Adrian I know you're seeing my mom.
Maybe I'm seeing another woman.
You can't just say "another woman," when I know you're talking about my mom.
This woman, all right My mom? It's a woman I'm seeing.
She happens to have one foot that's larger than the other.
And, oddly enough, I find it strangely arousing.
Very arousing.
She's a little ashamed by it.
And I'm just I don't want to embarrass her.
And, yet, if there's some way we could we could kind of bring it into the discussion, we could be so much stronger.
- Because of it.
It would really help us.
- Mm.
That sounds like a real pickle.
It really does.
- You done? I heard you.
- Yeah.
- I heard your problem.
- That's that.
But that's it? No advice? Nothing? No, I don't have any advice about your - foot fetish problem.
- It's not It's podophilia.
We prefer "podophilia.
" All right? And I didn't expect to have this kind of feeling, but people evolve.
And here's the thing that really gets me though, you know? What? Fucking toes? - Is that your thing? Toes? - No.
Toes are gross.
How can you be into feet and not be into toes? I'm talking about a beautiful high arch.
How can we idolize and fantasize about a woman's breast and yet, the supple high arch of a woman's foot is considered weird? God, even you just doing this is one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen.
Okay, - the options that I have right now are - Yes.
A.]
you're either cheating on my mom, B.]
you're attempting to get my mom into some weird foot fetish thing.
I think we broke the code on who the other woman was.
Right? This is great.
This is wonderful.
We finally had a little locker room banter, huh? I'm not cheating on your mom.
I'm not.
Well I guess, yeah, I-I really wish you were now.
Hey, Roberto? Yeah.
How'd you become a comedian? Well, you don't choose comedy that's one thing.
Comedy chooses you.
For me, it started in my hometown of Guacajuevo.
The weather is always 74 degrees.
Everything is ripe, delicious.
And we also had one thing that separated us from all the other pretty towns: Ernesto the Crocodile.
Who's Ernesto the Crocodile? The largest crocodile you will ever see in your life.
Ernesto would swim around us.
We had no police, but, guess what, we had Ernesto the Crocodile.
And one day, during the summer equinox, Ernesto crawled out of the water.
The townspeople parted ways, as Ernesto headed directly to the center of the town, where the church bell rang.
Someone summoned Esmeralda, the queen of our town.
- Queen.
- Esmeralda was incredible.
She looked 17, 18, but, really, she was 85.
- Whoa.
- She wore - beautiful earrings - Wow.
elegant jewels, long, flowing gowns, and Crocs.
Ernesto looked up and saw Esmeralda.
Esmeralda approached Ernesto, placed her left hand on Ernesto's snout.
Suddenly, Esmeralda said, "I think Ernesto has a message for us.
" - Wow.
- She leaned in, carefully at first.
Ernesto opened his mouth, rolled out his tongue, and bit off Esmeralda's head.
- Oh, fuck.
- I can hear the crunching now.
[CRUNCHING.]
Suddenly, Ernesto went into a death roll.
And if you've ever seen a death roll on land, it's much worse than it is on water.
And the last thing to disappear were her feet.
With her Crocs.
And I told my friend Hector, "Look, crocodiles are cannibals.
" You see? 'Cause he had swallowed - the Crocs.
He's a crocodile.
- No, I get it.
He laughed.
And then the next person laughed.
And the mayor laughed.
Suddenly, the whole town was laughing.
[CHUCKLES.]
And I knew I was not a stain remover.
I was a comedian.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Mason? Mason.
Mason! - Mason! - Okay.
Mason.
What? You good? No, I'm bored.
You're bored? You're this You're in a police car.
This should be exciting.
It's not meant to be exciting, we're meant to be teaching him a lesson.
Really? That's what you told me.
You organized this with Janice.
- Oh.
- You.
- Yeah, that's right, yeah.
- Right.
- That's what it's about.
- Yeah.
All right, look, Mason, we don't want any more unsavory behavior vis-Ã -vis your mom's boyfriend, okay? You don't want to end up on the wrong side of the law, trust me.
'Cause then you gonna have to run into people like me.
Yeah, that should do it.
Listen, Mason, just tell your mom we warned you not to do any more of the gay catfishing Internet stuff, okay? Cool, that project's finished anyway.
- Cool.
- Good.
MASON: I've got this other one.
I've been milking Daryl's thermos of coffee for the past three months.
Milking? Homemade creamer.
Wha-What is that? You know No, I don't.
What do you mean, "homemade creamer"? You know.
Are you suggesting that you are putting your essence into Daryl's coffee? - Yup.
- Oh Will somebody please explain to me what's going on? - He's jizzing in his coffee.
- No! Why? He's a 15-year-old boy, he doesn't need a reason.
Oh, that is so gross.
And it's got to be dangerous, too, right? Probably burn yourself trying to put it in the coffee.
Well, I doubt he's putting his dick in the coffee.
I think he's probably He's probably jizzing in the thermos, and then Daryl's adding the coffee later.
Is that what you do, Mason? - Yeah.
- Yeah, there you go.
Right.
But that still must be hard nailing it into a thermos every time.
Unless he does it into a cup first, and then pours that into the thermos.
Oh, yeah.
You know what I'm saying? Like in his room, alone.
Yeah.
Sure.
Is that what you do, Mason? - MASON: Yup.
- Right.
- Wow.
- Wow.
You must have to get up early to do that.
You know, to put it in there before Daryl goes to work.
Right.
Though, you could probably do it late at night.
Oh, yeah maybe you have to set an alarm.
Yeah.
Do you set an alarm, Mason? MASON: Yup.
What, like, 2:00, 3:00 in the morning? Yup.
- Wow.
- Wow.
That's ama and th-three months? - Mm-hmm.
- How many loads is that? [EXHALES.]
Three months 90.
90, probably? 68 workdays.
- 68 workdays? - Yeah.
Waking up, every night, - setting an alarm - Wow.
jizzing on cue that's dedication.
And, you know, I'm surprised Daryl hasn't tasted it yet, - you know, that's - Well, maybe he's used to it.
I'm sure he is used to it now, after 68 fucking workdays.
In fact, I'm sure if Mason stopped jizzing in his coffee, it would taste weird to Daryl now.
It's like when you switch from whole milk to almond milk.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Know what I mean? - I hated it at first.
- Right.
- But now I love it.
- Yeah.
And I'm sure Daryl loves the taste of his coffee.
That's just one project.
I've got Okay, fine! Listen, we don't want to hear any more of your projects, okay.
Put your headphones on, will you? Side note: good detective work from us, know what I mean? Good to flex those muscles again, - you know what I'm saying? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Cracked the case of the jizzy teenager.
Yeah.
[HEAVY DOOR SLAMS.]
ADRIAN: That's not a dude.
Pat the Rat? Hey, what up? I'm Marco.
Hey, they should call you Pat the Babe, 'cause you're more of a babe than a rat.
Some hole, right? Yeah.
Yeah, Marco knows his holes, and that one's top-shelf.
We weren't expecting a woman, especially one as attractive as yourself.
Did Marco cross a line? I'm Marco, by the way.
'Cause Marco, you know, he likes the ladies.
ANGUS: Is there a problem? The hole must be here.
No, no, it said ten from that wall, ten from this wall.
Ten meters.
Meters? What the fuck is a meter? The metric system.
This is America.
W-We use feet.
Yeah.
And it wasn't specified - Hell yeah! - Jesus Christ.
There was no specification.
Now, Marco is fucked off.
Because I ruined these jeans.
These are expensive jeans, I've been told.
And now they're ruined, so fuck the metric system! What? What? - Hey! - ANGUS: Oh - Hey.
- The metric system is a thing of beauty.
It is, without a doubt, the most perfect measuring arrangement conceived by man.
ANGUS: Okay, let's all just calm down.
Ms.
Pat, we didn't mean any disrespect to the metric system You know, it all works together in such perfect symmetry.
It is complex, and yet, devastatingly simplistic.
It is virtually binary with its wondrous design of zeros and ones.
One milliliter of water occupies one cubic centimeter, weighs one gram, requires one calorie of energy to heat up by one degree centigrade, which is one percent of the difference between its freezing point of zero and its boiling point of 100.
It has, rightfully, taken over the world, with the exception of Burma, Liberia and the United States.
But beyond that, it is the official unit of measurement for this assignment, and it will not be disrespected.
Okay.
Sorry.
[SIGHS.]
Dig the hole.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- My God.
- Fuck.
Did you see how crazy that was? See how hard she slapped me? Sh-She did not slap you very hard, Adrian.
She but she kind of jostled me.
- You see the jostle, the torque? - Okay.
Can we just dig this new fucking metric hole? I guess she pointed to here.
I'm gonna go get the fucking jackhammer.
Hey, I love your mom, okay? But she was banging.
JANICE [OVER RADIO.]
: Car 27, please report.
Car 27, over.
- How's he doing? - TOLBECK: He's doing good.
He definitely learned his lesson.
- Over.
- Right.
CULLEN: Hey, uh, Fatima, are you there? Uh, no, she's not here at the moment.
CULLEN: Oh.
Okay.
Just, uh, tell her Cullen says hi.
JANICE: Mm-hmm.
Signing out.
Out.
Hmm.
She's probably in the bathroom or something.
Yeah, I'm sure.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
She's not interested in you.
Okay, I don't need relationship advice from you.
Thanks, Mason.
All right? If I need anyone to jizz in a beverage, you'll be my first call, I assure you.
But thank you.
I can tell Mom was lying.
- Okay - Yeah, Fatima was there, and she didn't want to speak to you.
Oh, what? Looks like you're going to Fuck Town alone.
Have fun.
- Hey, fuck you! - Whoa! - No, fuck this kid.
- MASON: Fuck me? The little shit yeah, fuck you! - Hey, Cullen - I'll take him to Fuck Town.
- No, I'm - You want to go to Fuck Town with me? Two tickets to Fuck Town, you and me.
- No, I'm taking you to Fuck Town.
- No, no.
Take it easy, now.
Yeah, I'll take you to Fuck Town if you want to go.
- How old are you? - I got two tickets.
Whoa, it's an earthquake.
I'll chaperone you down in Fuck Town.
- You feel that? It's an earthquake.
- Oh, fuck me.
- Okay.
All right.
Adrian - All right.
- Car 27.
Mason! - Oh, God.
- MIGUEL: Momma.
- Hold onto me, cabrón.
I got you, I got you.
Dios mÃo! We got to get up there! ROBERTO: Hold me.
Hold onto me, cabrón.
Hold on! I love you! [MAN SINGING IN SPANISH.]
FATIMA [ON RADIO.]
: Car 27.
Please report.
Car 27.
No, no, no, it's me, for me, for me, for me.
Car 27.
- Hey, how are ya, Fatima? - FATIMA: Fine.
So, no activity, I presume? CULLEN: Uh, no activity.
Copy that, dispatch out.
Thought you said the date went well.
- Uh, the date went amazingly well.
- Really? If anything, it went too well.
Really? 'Cause it didn't sound like it.
Oh, no, she's just it's a little awkward back and forth.
She's being coy and professional, you know.
This is phase two.
This is the you know, this is the dance we do.
I'm loving this.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
- So it went good, huh? - Oh, man, I mean All I can say is, was Venus in retrograde last night? I'm thinking it was.
You don't believe in astrology.
[LAUGHS.]
: After last night, I believe in anything.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It was good.
I couldn't believe it.
If I could get a memory abortion, I would.
- Geez.
- Yep.
So, I booked us a table for two - at Señor Siam.
- Oh.
Kind of place I wouldn't be caught dead in.
We're looking at the menus, and I go, - Mm-hmm.
- "Um, here's a fun game, why don't we order for each other?" And I've ordered him the dry curry because he will not shut up about it how it's the hottest dish in San Diego, but he can take it.
- Did you tell her to? - Well, I was talking about it and I think she kind of knew I wanted to eat it.
He takes one bite of it, and is, like, sweating.
I'm not gonna lie, I was sweating a little bit.
- Mmm.
- [CHUCKLES.]
It was pretty hot.
Breathing really heavy.
- He gets really red in the face, - [CHUCKLES.]
and his eyes are bulging, and he's, like, quivering.
And the waiter comes over, he's like, "Have some coconut cream.
" I'm like, "No, no, no, I don't need that.
" And takes another mouthful of the dry curry, and we go through the whole thing again.
- Oh, boy.
- Yeah, it gets worse.
We leave the restaurant, okay, - and we take a taxi back to her place.
- Mmm.
And I'm thinking, "Yes, finally.
" But he wants to walk me in, and I'm like, "No, I'm tired.
" I give him the spiel, like, "I work in the morning.
" The next thing I know, I turn around, he's paying the cab fare.
And we walk up to her building, you know.
- Mm-hmm.
- And we go inside.
The minute we walk in the door, I get this terrible rumble in my stomach.
Uh-oh.
Food poisoning? Yeah.
- From the Massaman burrito he ordered me.
- Oh She goes straight into the bathroom, and she's in there for, like, 20, 25 minutes.
Just vomiting, and, like, retching, just getting it out, and it's ugh.
I mean, she must've been fixing everything up - and getting all the stuff ready.
- Uh-huh.
- I don't know what she was doing in there.
- Yeah.
But my mind was going crazy.
Honestly, I'm thinking, at least, silver lining: he's probably gone.
Like, who would wait for, like, a half an hour, while I'm vomiting? - He does.
He waits.
- [GASPS.]
I open the door, and he's still there.
And she looks pretty good.
And, uh, then just in case I did get this far, I wore my special T-shirt, under my shirt.
- I bought it for this, uh, women's march.
- Mm-hmm.
I didn't go on the march, but I kept the T-shirt.
And then, he What? My God, wha-what? He starts unbuttoning his shirt, and his T-shirt underneath, it says "This is what a feminist looks like.
" Get out of town.
[CHUCKLING.]
: Whoa.
Whoa.
- Yeah.
- CULLEN: And we start making out, you know.
We're going like frisky teenagers, - really going for it.
- Mm-hmm.
All I can remember is, like, his tongue.
And it was like a German Shepherd, like, licking an ice cream cone.
But she's like, "You know what? I'm kind of tired.
" So, uh, I say, "Let's just take it slow, okay? We've got a long road ahead, we've got a lot of time.
" "We spent a lot of time tonight in Head Town.
Mm-hmm.
"I can feel that we're on the way to Heart Town.
You know? So let's take all the stops along the way.
" - 'Cause all roads lead to Fuck Town.
- [LAUGHING.]
Am I right? Yeah! - Fuck Town, here we come! - Oh, buddy, I'm going to Fuck Town.
Yeah.
It was literally the worst date I have ever been on.
The worst.
Anyway, we're gonna go to Fuck Town, I can feel it.
Fuck - Yeah.
Good for you, man.
- Yeah.
Thanks, man.
- JANICE: Car 27, come in.
Car 27? - Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, this is 27.
Go ahead.
Over.
Yup, just checking in on him.
- Him? - Mason.
Oh.
Yeah, he's fine.
He's doing good.
["HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING.]
While away while someone counts the minutes Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off By the way, I told you we were in this Happiness, Missouri, I got to get your mind off it.
Nice work.
Pretty good hole.
I mean, we knocked that out of the park.
That's a Rolls-Royce of holes.
Yeah, we made pretty good time.
And they're sending some guy to look at it later tonight.
- What guy? - I don't know, this guy Pat the Rat.
He's coming by to inspect the hole.
Remember I told you that? Okay, well, he better keep his mouth shut, okay? 'Cause we we dug a red-hot hole.
I don't want anyone talkin' shit about it.
Okay.
What else did I tell you? Who are you? - [ITALIAN ACCENT.]
: I'm Marco.
I'm Marco.
- You're Marco.
- Si.
I'm Marco.
- No.
No.
- Don't do the voice.
You're just Marco.
- No.
If they ask you who you are, you answer, "Marco.
" No, I was thinking about But I, but I want to I kind of want to do a broken English-Italian hybrid, you know.
[ITALIAN ACCENT.]
: My grandpa, he drive a gondola.
Si.
Si.
I'm Marco.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
: And then they just move on.
No.
Like, "Oh, don't talk to Marco, you talk to this guy.
" Don't do that.
Just be Marco in your normal voice.
Why? You don't need Marco I'm here.
Because they hired me and Marco, so that's who they expect to be doing the job.
But if they expect to meet Marco and they meet me, they're gonna be like, "God, this guy is way more fun than Marco.
" It's not a competition about who's more fun.
I know.
I'm way more fun than Marco.
Look, they will kill us both if you're not Marco, if they find out that someone else is here, do you understand? They will kill us both.
Okay.
Fine.
[ITALIAN ACCENT.]
: I'll be Marco [NORMAL VOICE.]
: with a normal voice.
[GRUFF VOICE.]
: Marco.
I'll be Marco.
Can I just affect it that way? I'm Marco.
You're really you're really starting to frustrate me here.
Can we meet halfway? I won't say a word, but I just get I get an internal monologue.
I'm not saying this.
I'm only thinking this.
[ITALIAN ACCENT.]
: Please, don't ask Marco a question.
His English not so good.
[SIGHS.]
ROBERTO: Sorry I had to rest.
Another migraine.
It's cool, man.
It's good for my journey, you know? Yeah.
Overcame migraines and gonorrhea, while digging his way to America and fame and fortune.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I like that about you.
You're very confident, cabrón.
Just got to be, man.
You do.
It's all possible.
I'm gonna be a successful comedian.
Be on the talk shows, "Hey, how are you?" Oh.
"I'm fine.
" - [LAUGHS.]
- And win an Oscar and have a beautiful entourage.
- Everything.
- Oh, the-the life.
The life, cabrón.
I wish that for you.
- Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I don't think that comedians win Oscars, though.
Sure, they do.
Acting's the easy bit.
Nah.
No, I don't think that's true, cabrón.
Sure it is.
Do you know the acting test? Uh, there's an acting test? Saying "I love you" to someone and being believed.
You do that, you're an actor.
- Really? - Yeah.
Come on.
- Give it a go.
You try it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- No, no, that's not my - No, seriously, let me hear it.
No, I'm shy, cabrón.
- Just give it a shot.
- All right.
I love you, eh? - [SNIFFS.]
- That was terrible.
- Come on, really.
Just say it.
- I was just shy.
- Okay.
[SIGHS.]
- Throw it away.
- I guess I love you.
- No.
Say it and mean it.
I got one.
Um [WHISPERS.]
: I love you.
- Louder.
- Okay.
I love you.
- You love me? - I do.
I love you.
Then why are you lying to me? Because I don't believe you.
Roberto, I love you.
Just say it and mean it.
- I-I love you.
- We have to - dig the tunnel.
Come on.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I love you! - Oh, my God, it's terrible.
You suck.
- Awful.
Awful.
- Why are you doing this to me? - I might throw up.
- God, - it's hard.
You do it.
- [EXHALES.]
- You show me.
- I will.
Give me a second.
[EXHALES.]
I love you.
[EXHALES.]
That was very powerful, cabrón.
Yeah.
That was acting.
You just shake it off like this? - Yep.
- [EXHALES.]
It was, like, deep inside.
I feel really close to you right now.
No.
You don't have to get weird about it.
It was just acting.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
- Yeah.
Well, I love you, too.
Yeah, I don't love you.
I was acting.
- That's it.
- Okay.
Or do I? JANICE: You can't put Mason in a hotel room overnight.
Because he's a 15-year-old boy, that's why.
We'll talk about this when I get home.
[SIGHS.]
Daryl? Yeah, my fiancé Daryl.
He's back home.
What about the well-dressed gay gentleman? It was all Mason.
- What? - Yeah.
He masterminded the entire thing.
What he did was he tracked down - Daryl's ex-wife Brandi - Uh-huh.
who's in Las Colinas, doing five years.
So, what he does is he goes to jail, tells her that he's doing a podcast for a school project.
- Right? And that he found a break - Oh, God.
in the case that might prove her innocence.
So, Brandi's telling him all sorts of things about Daryl - his personal life - Mm-hmm.
all this crazy stuff that he was into, you know.
And, of course, Mason's all ears.
I mean, she's telling him stuff that I would never - Of course.
- tell a 15-year-old boy.
So, he's taking this information and he's going on these gay online chat rooms, - posing as Daryl.
- Yeah.
And he convinced a man who lives on the other side of the country that he was a gay man, had him come all the way over here, and fall in love with him.
And to I mean, to leave his entire family? I mean, tell me, what other 15-year-old boy do you know that could pull something like that off? Yeah, but what about Daryl and Mason? - How are they getting along? - Mm.
Yeah, there's a lot of tension, and, you know, Daryl's always accusing Mason of being insane.
- Right.
- Says, "He's the devil, - he's a demon, ruined my life.
" - Yeah.
For sure.
Uh-huh.
"He needs to go to a psychiatric hospital.
" All that kind of stuff.
I mean, I love the guy, but he just focuses on the little things, and he has just issues with just letting things go.
You know? And it builds up and it creates stress.
I think it's time he sees a shrink.
Mason? Daryl.
Are you even listening to me? Why would Mason go see a shrink? Um Bing bong.
ADRIAN: I got it.
Yeah, fine.
I'll just be Marco.
I'm just Marco.
I don't say a word.
Maybe I give a look? - [SCOFFS.]
- I'll make sure I check in with you though.
Yeah.
And since we're doing each other's favors, I want to get your advice on a problem I'm having.
- Is it about my mom? - No.
In fact, it isn't.
It's about this "woman.
" Adrian I know you're seeing my mom.
Maybe I'm seeing another woman.
You can't just say "another woman," when I know you're talking about my mom.
This woman, all right My mom? It's a woman I'm seeing.
She happens to have one foot that's larger than the other.
And, oddly enough, I find it strangely arousing.
Very arousing.
She's a little ashamed by it.
And I'm just I don't want to embarrass her.
And, yet, if there's some way we could we could kind of bring it into the discussion, we could be so much stronger.
- Because of it.
It would really help us.
- Mm.
That sounds like a real pickle.
It really does.
- You done? I heard you.
- Yeah.
- I heard your problem.
- That's that.
But that's it? No advice? Nothing? No, I don't have any advice about your - foot fetish problem.
- It's not It's podophilia.
We prefer "podophilia.
" All right? And I didn't expect to have this kind of feeling, but people evolve.
And here's the thing that really gets me though, you know? What? Fucking toes? - Is that your thing? Toes? - No.
Toes are gross.
How can you be into feet and not be into toes? I'm talking about a beautiful high arch.
How can we idolize and fantasize about a woman's breast and yet, the supple high arch of a woman's foot is considered weird? God, even you just doing this is one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen.
Okay, - the options that I have right now are - Yes.
A.]
you're either cheating on my mom, B.]
you're attempting to get my mom into some weird foot fetish thing.
I think we broke the code on who the other woman was.
Right? This is great.
This is wonderful.
We finally had a little locker room banter, huh? I'm not cheating on your mom.
I'm not.
Well I guess, yeah, I-I really wish you were now.
Hey, Roberto? Yeah.
How'd you become a comedian? Well, you don't choose comedy that's one thing.
Comedy chooses you.
For me, it started in my hometown of Guacajuevo.
The weather is always 74 degrees.
Everything is ripe, delicious.
And we also had one thing that separated us from all the other pretty towns: Ernesto the Crocodile.
Who's Ernesto the Crocodile? The largest crocodile you will ever see in your life.
Ernesto would swim around us.
We had no police, but, guess what, we had Ernesto the Crocodile.
And one day, during the summer equinox, Ernesto crawled out of the water.
The townspeople parted ways, as Ernesto headed directly to the center of the town, where the church bell rang.
Someone summoned Esmeralda, the queen of our town.
- Queen.
- Esmeralda was incredible.
She looked 17, 18, but, really, she was 85.
- Whoa.
- She wore - beautiful earrings - Wow.
elegant jewels, long, flowing gowns, and Crocs.
Ernesto looked up and saw Esmeralda.
Esmeralda approached Ernesto, placed her left hand on Ernesto's snout.
Suddenly, Esmeralda said, "I think Ernesto has a message for us.
" - Wow.
- She leaned in, carefully at first.
Ernesto opened his mouth, rolled out his tongue, and bit off Esmeralda's head.
- Oh, fuck.
- I can hear the crunching now.
[CRUNCHING.]
Suddenly, Ernesto went into a death roll.
And if you've ever seen a death roll on land, it's much worse than it is on water.
And the last thing to disappear were her feet.
With her Crocs.
And I told my friend Hector, "Look, crocodiles are cannibals.
" You see? 'Cause he had swallowed - the Crocs.
He's a crocodile.
- No, I get it.
He laughed.
And then the next person laughed.
And the mayor laughed.
Suddenly, the whole town was laughing.
[CHUCKLES.]
And I knew I was not a stain remover.
I was a comedian.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Mason? Mason.
Mason! - Mason! - Okay.
Mason.
What? You good? No, I'm bored.
You're bored? You're this You're in a police car.
This should be exciting.
It's not meant to be exciting, we're meant to be teaching him a lesson.
Really? That's what you told me.
You organized this with Janice.
- Oh.
- You.
- Yeah, that's right, yeah.
- Right.
- That's what it's about.
- Yeah.
All right, look, Mason, we don't want any more unsavory behavior vis-Ã -vis your mom's boyfriend, okay? You don't want to end up on the wrong side of the law, trust me.
'Cause then you gonna have to run into people like me.
Yeah, that should do it.
Listen, Mason, just tell your mom we warned you not to do any more of the gay catfishing Internet stuff, okay? Cool, that project's finished anyway.
- Cool.
- Good.
MASON: I've got this other one.
I've been milking Daryl's thermos of coffee for the past three months.
Milking? Homemade creamer.
Wha-What is that? You know No, I don't.
What do you mean, "homemade creamer"? You know.
Are you suggesting that you are putting your essence into Daryl's coffee? - Yup.
- Oh Will somebody please explain to me what's going on? - He's jizzing in his coffee.
- No! Why? He's a 15-year-old boy, he doesn't need a reason.
Oh, that is so gross.
And it's got to be dangerous, too, right? Probably burn yourself trying to put it in the coffee.
Well, I doubt he's putting his dick in the coffee.
I think he's probably He's probably jizzing in the thermos, and then Daryl's adding the coffee later.
Is that what you do, Mason? - Yeah.
- Yeah, there you go.
Right.
But that still must be hard nailing it into a thermos every time.
Unless he does it into a cup first, and then pours that into the thermos.
Oh, yeah.
You know what I'm saying? Like in his room, alone.
Yeah.
Sure.
Is that what you do, Mason? - MASON: Yup.
- Right.
- Wow.
- Wow.
You must have to get up early to do that.
You know, to put it in there before Daryl goes to work.
Right.
Though, you could probably do it late at night.
Oh, yeah maybe you have to set an alarm.
Yeah.
Do you set an alarm, Mason? MASON: Yup.
What, like, 2:00, 3:00 in the morning? Yup.
- Wow.
- Wow.
That's ama and th-three months? - Mm-hmm.
- How many loads is that? [EXHALES.]
Three months 90.
90, probably? 68 workdays.
- 68 workdays? - Yeah.
Waking up, every night, - setting an alarm - Wow.
jizzing on cue that's dedication.
And, you know, I'm surprised Daryl hasn't tasted it yet, - you know, that's - Well, maybe he's used to it.
I'm sure he is used to it now, after 68 fucking workdays.
In fact, I'm sure if Mason stopped jizzing in his coffee, it would taste weird to Daryl now.
It's like when you switch from whole milk to almond milk.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Know what I mean? - I hated it at first.
- Right.
- But now I love it.
- Yeah.
And I'm sure Daryl loves the taste of his coffee.
That's just one project.
I've got Okay, fine! Listen, we don't want to hear any more of your projects, okay.
Put your headphones on, will you? Side note: good detective work from us, know what I mean? Good to flex those muscles again, - you know what I'm saying? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Cracked the case of the jizzy teenager.
Yeah.
[HEAVY DOOR SLAMS.]
ADRIAN: That's not a dude.
Pat the Rat? Hey, what up? I'm Marco.
Hey, they should call you Pat the Babe, 'cause you're more of a babe than a rat.
Some hole, right? Yeah.
Yeah, Marco knows his holes, and that one's top-shelf.
We weren't expecting a woman, especially one as attractive as yourself.
Did Marco cross a line? I'm Marco, by the way.
'Cause Marco, you know, he likes the ladies.
ANGUS: Is there a problem? The hole must be here.
No, no, it said ten from that wall, ten from this wall.
Ten meters.
Meters? What the fuck is a meter? The metric system.
This is America.
W-We use feet.
Yeah.
And it wasn't specified - Hell yeah! - Jesus Christ.
There was no specification.
Now, Marco is fucked off.
Because I ruined these jeans.
These are expensive jeans, I've been told.
And now they're ruined, so fuck the metric system! What? What? - Hey! - ANGUS: Oh - Hey.
- The metric system is a thing of beauty.
It is, without a doubt, the most perfect measuring arrangement conceived by man.
ANGUS: Okay, let's all just calm down.
Ms.
Pat, we didn't mean any disrespect to the metric system You know, it all works together in such perfect symmetry.
It is complex, and yet, devastatingly simplistic.
It is virtually binary with its wondrous design of zeros and ones.
One milliliter of water occupies one cubic centimeter, weighs one gram, requires one calorie of energy to heat up by one degree centigrade, which is one percent of the difference between its freezing point of zero and its boiling point of 100.
It has, rightfully, taken over the world, with the exception of Burma, Liberia and the United States.
But beyond that, it is the official unit of measurement for this assignment, and it will not be disrespected.
Okay.
Sorry.
[SIGHS.]
Dig the hole.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- My God.
- Fuck.
Did you see how crazy that was? See how hard she slapped me? Sh-She did not slap you very hard, Adrian.
She but she kind of jostled me.
- You see the jostle, the torque? - Okay.
Can we just dig this new fucking metric hole? I guess she pointed to here.
I'm gonna go get the fucking jackhammer.
Hey, I love your mom, okay? But she was banging.
JANICE [OVER RADIO.]
: Car 27, please report.
Car 27, over.
- How's he doing? - TOLBECK: He's doing good.
He definitely learned his lesson.
- Over.
- Right.
CULLEN: Hey, uh, Fatima, are you there? Uh, no, she's not here at the moment.
CULLEN: Oh.
Okay.
Just, uh, tell her Cullen says hi.
JANICE: Mm-hmm.
Signing out.
Out.
Hmm.
She's probably in the bathroom or something.
Yeah, I'm sure.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
She's not interested in you.
Okay, I don't need relationship advice from you.
Thanks, Mason.
All right? If I need anyone to jizz in a beverage, you'll be my first call, I assure you.
But thank you.
I can tell Mom was lying.
- Okay - Yeah, Fatima was there, and she didn't want to speak to you.
Oh, what? Looks like you're going to Fuck Town alone.
Have fun.
- Hey, fuck you! - Whoa! - No, fuck this kid.
- MASON: Fuck me? The little shit yeah, fuck you! - Hey, Cullen - I'll take him to Fuck Town.
- No, I'm - You want to go to Fuck Town with me? Two tickets to Fuck Town, you and me.
- No, I'm taking you to Fuck Town.
- No, no.
Take it easy, now.
Yeah, I'll take you to Fuck Town if you want to go.
- How old are you? - I got two tickets.
Whoa, it's an earthquake.
I'll chaperone you down in Fuck Town.
- You feel that? It's an earthquake.
- Oh, fuck me.
- Okay.
All right.
Adrian - All right.
- Car 27.
Mason! - Oh, God.
- MIGUEL: Momma.
- Hold onto me, cabrón.
I got you, I got you.
Dios mÃo! We got to get up there! ROBERTO: Hold me.
Hold onto me, cabrón.
Hold on! I love you! [MAN SINGING IN SPANISH.]