No Heroics s01e04 Episode Script

All today's services are cancelled due to engineering works on the Eastern Line.
Machine, give cash.
Ding.
Cover your costume.
Better.
Hey! No powers.
That includes your stick with gay magic, all right? Bloody sorcerers.
Don't know why we let them in.
They reckon they're proper superheroes.
Yeah, get back to the end of the pier! He wrote me a letter.
He says he's really changed.
They always say that, but deep down, they're all still bastards.
- Darling, you're so cynical.
- I've just heard it all before.
"I used to be a super villain but that was the old me.
" Such a cliche.
I've heard that line more times than I've had hot spunk in my eyes.
What are you laughing at? It's me, isn't it? No! When we laugh it's not automatically about your jiggly boy boobs.
They don't jiggle, they flex.
What's that? A letter from a super villain I caught last year.
You remember that creepy bloke, Lightkiller? - Yeah, what was his power again? - Switching lights out, you idiot.
Right, Lightkiller.
Makes sense.
- Jenny's gonna meet him at his place.
- Prison.
If he says he's changed, then he's changed.
What's the worst that can happen? He could break out, abduct you, torture you, starve you, decapitate you, bleed you, then skin you and turn your floppy carcass into some kind of rucksack, for example.
I don't care.
I'm still excited.
Come on! You dropp me off on the way to your job? I hate corporates.
Don, explain to me again your exact definition of a retired superhero.
Running out of money.
And in Spain, we have a saying.
"You cannot ride the donkey and suck his cock all at the same time.
" - Know what I mean? - That'll be a no.
I think it's great Don's finally getting back on the horse.
- Not horse meaning heroin.
- I miss the heroin.
See you.
- Wait a minute, both of you are going? - Yeah.
At the same time? Both of you? It'll be fine.
Just sit here and argue, like you normally do.
We're not gonna argue.
We'll be fine, right? Yeah, we can do this.
We're adults.
- Well, I'm an adult.
- Screw you.
- In your dreams, titty boy.
- Going well so far.
SPA! That's ironic, isn't it? Cos prison's not exactly a relaxing holiday.
- Ooh! Are these whooshy doors? - Yes.
- May I? - Yes.
- So - Sorry, can I just? They've really got that noise right.
That is the perfect whoosh.
- At last we meet again - Sorry, can I? Just one more time.
- Yeah, go on, then.
- Thanks.
So, Mr Timebomb? You've bodyguarded for us before? Yeah, yeah, but not since '97.
Anything I should worry about? Let's just say I prefer to avoid tunnels and Paris.
Right.
Have you ever hit a child, Mr Timebomb? - I don't think so.
- Wait until you meet the Prince! Sorry, I'm having quite a bad nervous breakdown right now.
No problem.
Me, too.
Great.
Cos we believe there'll be an assassination attempt - on the Prince's life.
- OK.
There's one very important fact I need to know.
If you give me the wrong answer, we have no chance of making it through tonight.
- Go on.
- Does the limo have a mini bar? If we can't say anything nice, we shouldn't say anything.
You're right.
Absolutely.
We can do this.
Hey, there's Thundermonkey! Simon, want a drink? Sarah, you have not said one nice thing to me in your entire fucking life.
Why would I wanna drink with you? - He's got a point.
- And you've got a wobbly man rack.
Sorry.
Hello, operator services.
How can we help? You don't have to use those nowadays.
I can hear you fine.
Oh, sorry.
I've just never been in a real prison before.
It's exciting.
It soon wears off.
After 17 months! Is that how long it's been? It's gone quick.
Funny, I was gonna say quite the opposite.
I'd shake your hand but Probably for the best, eh? Wouldn't want you, I don't know, breaking out, abducting me, torturing me, starving me, decapitating me, bleeding me, skinning me, then turning my floppy carcass into some kind of rucksack.
For example.
Don't worry, there's nothing scary about me any more.
Hey, don't do yourself down.
You know you're a shit super villain when they let you keep your power in prison.
Really? I thought the green glow was some kind of anti-power beam.
No, it's just mood lighting.
And if you don't like it - You've still got it, Lightkiller.
- Yep! I suppose now would be a perfect opportunity for some of that skinning and decapitating you were mentioning.
Kidding.
Bit of prison humour for you there.
Phew! Couldn't do anything even if I wanted to cos, you know Obviously, I could decapitate you.
But that stuff with the rucksack sounded pretty complicated.
So, just to reiterate, there is a small chance of assassination today.
What does "reiterate" mean, Lisa? It means to say something again, Your Highness.
I knew that, you whore! Yes, Your Highness.
I'll leave you two boys to get to know each other.
OK.
Now fuck off! Yes, Your Highness.
I can't believe they got me a superhero I've never heard of.
It's like they actually want me to die.
- I can't imagine why.
- What's your power anyway? - Are you very strong? - No.
- Can you walk through walls? - No.
- Show me what you do.
- Fine.
What did you have for breakfast? Bagels.
That's utter shit! Would you like to play with one of my knives? Come on, we can do this.
What have you been up to lately? Alex, you see me every fucking day.
How's the parents? Still hate you.
Yours? Still dead, thanks for asking.
Sorry, I'm really having to concentrate on not insulting you.
You have been doing it for the last 15 years.
That's a lot of shitty memories.
Talking of shitty memories, I walked past that Greek restaurant.
Your birthday! That was a good night.
- You bought me a ring.
So gay.
- Did I? All I remember is pouring booze on everything and you setting light to it.
Hey, Nikos, wouldn't this kebab taste better flambeed? Wouldn't this tablecloth look better flambeed? Wouldn't that waitress move better flambeed? That's when they called the police.
Wasn't that the night I accidentally melted a condom onto my cock? That was hilarious! Alex, I had to go to hospital with vaginal burns.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, we just did a whole minute without arguing.
That deserves a drink.
My round, I think.
Fine, I'll get them.
OK, but I need to go piss-piss.
That is one phrase I do not miss.
Not that I miss anything else.
Me neither.
Flambeed! Oi, Dave, what are you? The Norse god of warm piss? Drink it.
No one else is complaining.
No-one else has the exquisite fucking taste that I do.
- Shooting your mouth off again, Devlin? - Sarah! You'd prefer I was shooting off in your mouth.
- I don't get it.
- You'll get it, mostly in your eyes and your hair.
- God, you know exactly what women want.
- Course I bloody do.
Two bottles of Shazamstel, please, Norsey.
So, what are you up to later? Me and Alex are having a drink.
Devlin, my eyes are up here.
What makes you think I give a shit about your eyes? - Hold on, "me and Alex"? - Yeah! - You're back together with Hotpants? - As if! We're trying to go a whole evening without arguing.
My Christ! You're thinking of going back out with him.
- What a terrible waste of good snatch.
- Oh, thanks.
You're jealous cos I said no to you.
Sweetheart, when you finally give in, it's gonna be like, "Oh, yeah, down you go.
Somebody's hungry today.
" - Devlin, what are you doing? - What does it look like I'm doing? I used to have all these grand plans.
Stupid dreams, really.
- You can still achieve your dreams.
- Vast power, world domination? Probably not those ones.
Tough for a super villain, starting out! I can imagine.
All those laws.
You get a few bank jobs under your belt and everything's great for a while.
Except for the fact that you're evil.
But There's money.
Suddenly, girls like you for the first time.
"Oooh, Lightkiller, that thing you do is so sexy.
Oooh, switch off the lights for me.
Oooh, now turn them on.
Oooh, now switch them off again.
" Yeah, everyone's your friend then.
But you get sloppy.
Partying starts to take its toll.
You don't plan so much.
Some of your big speeches start to sound cobbled together.
And then wham! A girl with super strength is suddenly smashing you against the side of the Post Office Tower.
And guess what? Being able to switch off some fucking lights is not much help any more.
- You could use your powers for good.
- Yeah, right.
Being able to plunge the world into complete darkness is an ideal power for a good guy, right? - Point taken.
- All I've got left is eyes that glow in the dark and a punishing schedule of anal sex administered by the country's most evil superhumans.
Let me tell you, those guys are pretty aggressive.
Is there anything I can do to help, seeing as it's my fault? Partly.
Well, yeah.
Yes.
I'm so lonely, you could make me feel loved again.
Like with a cuddle? Kind of.
- Oh, look who it is! Hotpants.
- The Hotness.
Bad luck, you've got a cocktail sausage trapped in your fly.
Yeah, well, you've got a hairy Mars bar trapped in yours.
Chunky, isn't it? So I see you and the old trouble and strife are back on? Hardly.
We're just trying not to argue.
Well, probably not worth going back there.
Not like you were much cop in the humping department.
Actually, I'm a pretty good humper.
I'm a hump machine.
Well, that's not what she said.
Oh, really? You'd know that how? Well, think about it, Hotpocket.
Superhearing? There's not much that gets past me in here.
After you two split up What? Put it this way.
If you're gonna drive a very, very small car, - at least learn to park it properly.
- Sarah didn't say that! - She doesn't know anything about cars.
- She knows a fair bit about cocks! - Did she really say that about me? - Course she bloody did.
Right.
The sweet, sweet piss of victory.
So, what is it like being a superhero? Can you kill people just cos you're in a bad mood? Well, that's actually a grey area.
- Officially, no.
- What about the pussy? I bet the pussy's amazing, isn't it? I wouldn't know.
I'm not really into girls.
- Are you a queer? - Yeah.
Oh, my God, Lisa! This superhero's faulty.
He's a queer.
I'm also an alcoholic.
You might wanna add that.
My dad says that if God had meant us to be queer, he'd have put our arseholes on the front.
Well, your dad sounds like a very clever man.
If I ruled the world, I'd have every man who even walked funny drowned at birth.
Just in case.
Listen, I might have a little sleep now.
You just wake me up when you've been assassinated.
Use the phone.
It's more more intimate.
Hello! I don't wanna look like a thickie, but how do you want me to make you feel loved? Please, talk sexy to me, She-Force.
Yeah, I thought that might be what you were getting at.
Look, I hardly know you.
You ruined my life.
Now give me something to look forward to.
But but with dirty words! OK, fine.
I can do this.
Softly Cocks! It's not quite the dirty word I was thinking of.
Oh, right.
Fannies! - More.
- Three fannies! No, just tell me a story, She-Force.
Make me feel wanted.
Fine.
Erm Well, we're in a field.
It's a beautiful day.
We're having a picnic.
It's lovely.
What are you what are you wearing? I'm wearing a dress.
I can see it.
I can see your bra.
- Can you? - In the field.
Yes, I'm wearing my best bra.
It's frilly.
It really suits you.
Thanks.
Now you open a bottle of champagne and we lie down together in the long grass.
I can smell it.
And normally, I wouldn't because of my allergy.
You're doing it for me.
So I start to stroke you.
- Where are you stroking me? - Down by your knick-knocks.
Hey, not so fast, mister! That champagne's not gonna drink itself.
Please stay with me, She-Force.
I'm pulling at the straps of your dress.
Eager, desperate for the warm bosom underneath.
Right.
Are you absolutely sure no-one can hear us? I'm, oh, absolutely Absolutely sure.
Hey, lads, get in here! We've got a talker.
And bring some Pringles.
- Where were we? - We were trying not to argue.
It seems to be going pretty well.
Till I find out you said I was shit in bed.
Where did you hear that? The toilets.
Oh, the toilets! Second only to CNN as an accurate source of information.
- Oh, so you didn't say it? - No! - I kept that to myself.
- What? God, you're so paranoid! I'm not the one who used to secretly check her boyfriend's text messages - using her superpowers.
- I did that once when I was drunk! - You say it was once.
- You just got a text.
- No, I haven't.
- Send text.
Oh, it's from you.
"You have tiny balls.
Love, Sarah.
" Brilliant.
Wait, do I really have tiny balls? OK, boys, I don't want anyone to panic, but I've been told we're entering the danger zone.
- Mr Timebomb, if you wouldn't mind - Fine.
Your prince is safe for the next minute.
Check again, you bastard! - Oh, now, that's interesting.
- What's interesting? Nothing much.
52 seconds.
- You saw something.
- No big deal.
Just a man with a gun.
46 sec.
- This isn't a game.
- Yes It is.
It's called "Wave At The Sniper".
Hello, Mr Sniper! He's in here.
- Stop that, you stupid queer! - Very bad time for name-calling.
- 22 sec.
- What do you need? - I'll give you anything! - I'd like one small dead prince.
- Anything else? - That's what I want.
10 sec.
Are you gonna let me die? Maybe.
I haven't decided.
Six seconds.
- Well? - Still deciding.
Three, two - Please! - OK then.
Happy now? I'm covered in glass, I've just wet my pants, and I've got my face in a gay man's lap.
What do you think? Yeah, yeah, we've all been there.
Oh, so now you've got a problem with my powers, have you? You didn't seem to mind when you needed a little spark in the bedroom.
- Don't bring that up in here! - Every man likes a bit of ball action but electrocuting them? Pretty fucking weird! I just didn't want our love life to get dry.
Things never get dry with you, not with the amount of sweat you pump out.
I've got heat powers! You've got a gland problem, chunky! You can talk.
I'm surprised you can still get that arse in your costume! You are so fucking insensitive.
Oh, if I'm so insensitive, then what do you call this? Did it get caught up your arse? I wore that cheap gay ring you bought me every day for six months.
And every time I used my powers, it burned like hell.
Why didn't you tell me, you idiot? - Because it's not what boys do! - Oh, you're so annoying! - You're so annoying! - Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Oopsie.
So we're in a field, and the cows are mooing in a sexy way.
Love me, touch me - OK, I'm touching you.
- Where? The winkle area.
Now I'm hoicking up my dress and you can see everything.
So can the cows but I'm trying not to let that put me off.
- Oh, She-Force - And now we're, you know, on the job.
And your love-making is oceanic and magnificent.
When I look into your eyes, I can see a whole bright future ahead of us.
- Really? - And we'll continue to make love for many years on a beautiful bed that we picked out together at Homebase and bought with a combination of credit and vouchers we got from our wedding.
- Oh, God.
- The love-making continues, but we're finding it tricky to conceive.
You try loose-fitting boxers and active yoghurt drinks.
But nothing seems to help.
Then, one night, you come home covered in blood.
You say everything's gonna be fine.
And I don't wanna ask where the money's coming from.
I don't care! Because finally, finally, we can afford IVF.
- She-Force, don't! - What? Didn't you like the bed? No, the bed's lovely.
It's just It's all too much.
I'm just not ready for that level of commitment right now.
Here we go.
- It's not you, it's me.
- Save it.
Just save it, Lightkiller.
Can we be friends? - I'd really like that.
- I don't think that's gonna happen.
She-Force, I don't want you to think of me as the bad guy, here.
But I think one of us is gonna have to leave.
Oh, and you're saying that it has to be me? Typical.
Oh, wait, let me get this straight.
You're firing me for saving his life? No, Mr Timebomb, he's firing you for, and I quote, "touching him with your sinister, queer hands.
" You know I got piss on my costume? I can smell that, yes.
Are you gonna pay to have it cleaned? No, but on the bright side, it is royal piss, so If you'll excuse me, I should get back to the hotel.
Fine.
All I'm saying is, snipers tend to finish the job.
Mr Timebomb, you're no longer on the payroll.
We'll be fine from here.
Just look out for the anti-tank missile.
Sorry, what anti-tank missile? That one.
Earlier this evening, the emergency services were summoned to the scene of a limousine explosion in the Docklands area.
" - So, are you gonna see him again? - I don't think so.
We might bump into each other somewhere down the line, but you know - You can do better than him, anyway.
- At least nobody died.
- Don't ask.
- How'd it go with you and Alex? - Why's he standing over there? - This is completely ridiculous.
Let's just say, it's better for Alex and I if we stay split up.
It's not fair.
She broke the rules.
Why am I the one getting punished? I can't trust you to be sensible.
I've to separate you.
Simon, we're not kids! Why's Sarah sitting in my special chair? "Ooh, I'm The Sadness.
All my little friends are having fun without me and I'm lonely.
" What is your problem, Devlin? A real man like me would have been balls deep in ElectroGash right by now.
- Well, you can't win 'em all.
- Yes, I can, Hotpants.
When Sarah gives in, you know what's gonna happen? - No.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I thought it'd be something like that.
I wanna sex you up All night I want Let me take off all your clothes Disconnect the phone so nobody knows, yeah Let me light a candle so can make it better