Not Safe For Work (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

They've been looking for an excuse to shut this place down for ages, Danny and I think you're going to give it to them.
- What needs to be simplified? - You, Jenny.
- What about Jenny? - Yeah, she's cute.
- I'm just glad you're here to li.
.
look after me.
- Always, Danny, yeah? - Have you ever seen Alien? - Yeah.
- Every time we sleep together, afterwards I feel like John Hurt in the dinner scene.
Are you decent? Shame.
- What WAS lost? - Fucking loads.
Are you suggesting, sort of, amnesty for elderly non-EU relatives who can help with childcare arrangements and so forth and get people from first and second generation - immigrant families off benefits? - Yes.
This is the sort of thing you can brief the minister on.
- No, not just now.
Not at all.
- Don't see why not? - Yeah, yeah sure.
- Let's do it.
- Absolutely.
- New suit? - Er, no.
Oh, looks different somehow.
Well, I had it dry-cleaned.
And I found my iron in a small drawer.
- Congratulations! - Thank you, bro.
Oh, er, and as well, could you pull up the last ten years' numbers on non-EU migration for me, please? OK.
Yeah, whatever you want, boss.
Yeah I AM the boss, aren't I? You all right? - Blepharospasm.
- Oh, God, what does that mean? That you have a twitchy eye.
- What causes it? - Well, it's usually the result of a number of factors.
- Right, so is everything.
- Yeah.
So, what specifically causes it? Do you consume caffeine to excess? - Alcohol? - Well, yeah, of course.
- Tobacco? - Sometimes.
- Do you sleep well? - Barely ever.
Do you suffer from stress? Everyone does, don't they? Constantly.
There you are then.
It's generally a result of all of those elements.
And if you can mitigate that So hang on, to sort out my eye, I have to solve the whole of the rest of my life? Morning.
It's a bit small and stinky, isn't it? No, it's, um, cute vibrant, edgy.
Are we talking about my flat or my cock and balls? Both.
We haven't spoken about that yet, have we? - What? - The ring.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Just for show.
You're not married? I thought No, I am.
But we don't live together or love each other at all.
Why do you wear it? Keep men away, partly.
But I'm a man aren't I? Then I have made a terrible, terrible mistake.
Matthew? I'm not angry, or anything, that you, er, cancelled dinner, by, er, by just ignoring me.
I mean, it's only a two, three-hour journey from Northampton for your your good old Mamma.
So, yes, as established, er, I'm not angry.
I just thought we could at least share some food together.
What do you think Matthew? Morning.
Sorry.
I mean, um morning.
- Big night? - Hmm.
Oh.
His Master's Voice.
The Minister.
What is it with you and married women? Oh, sorry.
Inappropriate.
We're just work colleagues now, aren't we? So After the dummy/ Danny run, can I come and find you? Talk through briefing the Minister tomorrow? Need some fresh eyes on it all.
Yeah.
- There.
- Ah, thank you.
All right stud? - What do you mean? - Nothing.
Right.
Really? Oh, is that for me? Yeah, my mum always said that the best recipe for happiness or dealing with being fired and then having to work out your notice is baking, so, yeah.
- OK.
Self-medi-baking.
- Mm-hm.
- Does Nathanial not get some? - I don't know.
Does Nathanial want a chocolate banana cream cake from Jenny's big box? So, if you just give me the - Yeah, it's probably in that one.
- Excellent.
- Good work.
- Thanks.
- Morning.
- Yeah.
Is it? Er, yeah.
Good.
- What? - Are you ready, Danny? Er, I think so, yeah.
Prostitutes aren't going to jump out of the cupboards - and flash us their big hairy arseholes, are they? - No.
Or heroin-laden midgets? I think they prefer the term little people, Katherine.
- Or dwarves.
- Yeah, I know.
I was being funny-ish.
Still.
It's hateful.
OK.
Sorry.
- I was, er, just giving you a compliment, that's all.
- Why? Well, this week you've been .
.
diligent focused.
I mean, not high on ketamine, gin or poppers.
Yeah, you know, well, I've been trying - to sort my life out a bit, you know? - Good.
You need to.
I haven't had a drink for, like, six days now.
Right.
Well, well done.
Katherine, I mean, that's, that's er that's, that's good, isn't it? Nearly a week? Oh, I'm not a life coach, Danny.
No, yeah, yeah, but you're all, um .
.
you're all wise and stuff, aren't you? Like Gandalf.
I've got a tattoo that suggests I'm not all that wizardy.
- Can I see it? - No.
You should probably see a professional -- counsellor or someone.
Yeah, but why? Why can't you just to tell me what to do though? You know, like everything else.
From the little I know, I mean, it's as much about your environment as you, I think.
So, work out who drags you down.
Root them out.
- Until you're better, at least.
- Is that it? No, I think that's probably just the start, Danny.
Er, are you sure you're OK? - I mean, tomorrow is pretty massive, yeah? - Yeah.
- Cool.
Well, I trust you.
- Really? - Hmm.
Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
What? What's wrong? Ready for your dress? Rehearsal.
Run-through of the presentation.
Oh, all right? It's good to have you back mate.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Feeling better? Sort of.
Didn't know you could have, like, viral gastroenteritis for a whole week before.
It's like being in labour from both ends.
- But for 168 hours.
- Shit.
Yeah.
A lot! Well, it's been quiet without you.
In a bad way or what? Really bad.
It's bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, baddest-est.
I Morning, team.
Do you want me to sit in or, er Um, we're OK for the minute, thank you.
I am the most senior person here, so No, I am.
And we're fine.
OK, so um Thank you for being here today, Minister .
.
in your office in London town.
Er, look, we don't need a full role-play -- you're not Danny Day-Lewis.
Just start with the first slide and go from there, OK? Is that right? I'm sorry, is there a problem? No.
Er, carry on, please.
In the history of past before now times - No, we cut that line.
- Did we? - Yes.
I'm sorry From now on in, let's pretend we ARE here for real.
She is the Minister.
You are Danny Day-Lewis.
And there will be blood.
- You all right, Minister? - Uh-huh.
Well survived.
- I wasn't too nervous? - No, it was fine.
Yeah, it was fine.
Yeah.
Cool.
Thank you, guys.
How did it go, your little fucking practice? It was OK, I think, yeah.
Did you get a little tick from the teach? Want to, like, pop out for, like, a drink to celebrate? Why not? - It's quarter to 11.
- So? Yeah, but Angela Angela Angela, stop it! Why, have you got some hot slut you want to go and finger-bang? No, I've got to rewrite my intro.
Angela! I've got important things to do.
I order you to stop.
- You order me? - Yeah.
Are you fucking serious? Right then.
- Hi.
- Yeah.
Did you actually think that any of that was all fine? Uh-huh.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, Danny is trying hard, but he's just not up to it, is he? I mean, he's barely speaking English, let alone coherent policy.
He's going to fucking humiliate himself.
And us.
So, I could step in, if I have to or - Danny is your manager, Katherine.
- I know, but I'm not here to help you sugar-coat collective failure.
I am here, on behalf of the Minister, for us to assess how this place has been run.
So, what's fairer than letting Danny give an honest account of himself? I mean, Katherine, as much as we don't In any way like each other or have anything in common except vaginas and failed experiments with fringes? - Do you take this job at all seriously? - Yes, of course.
But you don't take yourself very seriously, do you? - Did you just wink at me? - No! I, I've just got something in it.
Go on.
- Because you're not what you could be, are you? - I'm sorry? I mean, you're intelligent, clearly, but as it stands, you're kicked out to the regions -- single, lost, crumpled.
Failure is circling you like a .
.
like a Hula Hoop.
Yeah? Well, you're a fucking dick! Mm-hm.
Oh! Jeffries! Morning.
- Are you all right? - Er, fine.
Just a long commute.
You? Yeah.
Just normal stuff.
- Marvellous.
Er coffee? - Fuck, yes! - Do you want some lardy cake? - What you saying? Nothing, it was just a cake offer query.
- Oh, right.
Ta.
- OK.
- What? - I was just wondering, have you been on many, like, dates with, you know, men? - Define date.
- Nice dinner, a few drinks, then maybe Not really, mate.
Why would you pay to sit and have dinner in a room? OK.
Um, because I was just wondering whether it's sort of normal for a man to not um Listen, Jenny, right.
The one thing that you've got to remember is all men are stupid, lying fucking shithouses, that just need to be called on all this fucking shit, yeah? Right.
Yes.
Thank you for the tippity-tip.
Right, yeah - Is that blepharospasm? - You know about it? I had it in my 20s, 30s, most of my 40s.
Can be a bit of an effing B -- bitch.
Like Martine.
So weird she was freezing you out earlier.
I don't know.
Er, human mind in all its terrible wonder.
Yeah, we're awful, aren't we? I don't think so, no.
I just think, um, we're all rather scared of our limitations and frailties, so we lash out in the face of a cold dark unknowable universe .
.
full of pain and infinite, unfettered loss.
You mean Northampton, right? Oh.
Have you tried steam? Um, warm vapours relieve the muscles.
Always worked for me.
- I didn't mean it.
- What? Any of anything I've ever done or said in my life to upset you.
Yeah.
So, what? So, I'm going to take you for that drink and buy you whatever you want and never fucking disrespect you again forever and ever and also some ever after that as well, too.
About fucking time.
Argh! Motherfucker! Eye! Ow! Oh! Ah Don't ask.
Are you going to come in then or? Only if we just talk about work for a minute.
Not eyes or us or anything.
- Deal.
- Thank you.
I've been going through Danny's presentation.
I mean, however you spin it, it's still, basically, going to increase immigration from non-EU countries.
And that's not something this lot would want, is it? Maybe they're trying to change their image a bit, maybe detoxify it all.
Maybe.
I dunno.
I just can't see how this isn't going to go really fucking badly.
Well, we'll see tomorrow, I suppose, won't we? Yeah.
"We"? Oh, Martine came in a bit ago and said she wanted another body there for extended Q&A with the Minister after the presentation.
Said I'd be happy to.
Why would she do that? Maybe she thinks I'm good.
Fine.
Right, well, thanks for that all - .
.
mate.
- That's all right .
.
pal.
Need a hand? No.
What IS up with your eye? The universe.
- Nathaniel.
- Jenny.
I, um, I just wanted to say that .
.
just because we went for a nice Italian dinner and I had a few too many wines and things did get a bit blurry, but we did definitely do that thing on the bus where I helped you have a warm time, when no-one else was on the top deck with us, um Well, listen, it doesn't mean that I'm just some big slag-bunny that you can just stop talking to now, does it? You shithouse! - I thought you weren't talking to ME.
- No, I'm talking to YOU, aren't I? - Yeah, and I'm talking to YOU.
- Are you? I just didn't want to, like, bug you.
You know, I was playing it, like, cool.
Cool? Yeah, yeah No, so was I.
Oh, thank God for that! Because it was one of the nicest one-way bus journeys.
Like, ever.
OK.
Right.
Cool, good.
- Do you want a whole apricot sponge? - Yeah.
What's wrong? You nervous about your presentation thingy tomorrow? Yeah.
I am, yeah.
You know what nerves are though, don't you? Emotions? No, nature's way of telling you you shouldn't do summat.
- How? - Well, it's like evolution and that.
You get nervous about climbing a cliff cos you shouldn't climb a fucking cliff.
That's why we don't live on cliffs now.
- Is it? - Uh-huh.
And I won't live on a fucking cliff, Danny, for anyone.
Do you get me? I thought we were just going to have one.
Yeah, one tray, one round -- so one.
'The next train to London 'will be arriving in 20 minutes.
' - Hello? - Are you lost? No.
I'm, I'm, I'm just in a little pickle.
What does that mean, Danny? Look, are you going to be here on time? Look, please don't leave me alone with them.
Fuck.
Oh Ah.
So, what happened? Someone hit you? - You know - Katherine? - Hmm? Do you want me to go and get you a new, cold one from the shop? Yeah.
Thank you, yeah.
- Hey, Jeffries.
- Hiya.
Oh It's Jeffries, yes.
Where's, er, Danyak? Oh, er Do you, do you ever get a weird, like, feeling in, in, in your stomach and in your head sometimes, - when you've done something bad? - No.
Ang, you do.
There's, there's, like, a, a word for it.
It begins with a, a letter.
They all do, mate.
Have you got any ket left? G.
G.
It, it begin, it begins with, with the G one.
Guilt.
So? What? What? What? Ketamine.
Begins with, with a K.
Cor.
OK, so, um without our dearest Daniel one of you will have to step into the breach of speech talking .
.
and present to the Minister.
Yeah, I've never really done that kind of thing, so I don't think I should.
Katherine? Et tu? Well, I mean I could, but it's not I thought you wanted to stand in for him anyway.
- Look, I Yeah, I said that when - Is that agreed then, Katherine? Katherine? Yeah, I think Katherine should do it.
Look, will everyone just stop saying my name for a minute, OK? No, I just think the Minister's not actually going to like what we're going to say, however or whoever says it, so The Minister is very receptive to lots of ideas, however they're expressed.
Like non-EU migration.
The party is progressing.
Yeah, they've just about got to 1950.
Unless, this isn't you know, about honestly hearing how we're doing.
This is about .
.
getting the Minister to shut us down.
Oh, don't be so ridiculous! You know, out of spite or something like that? Katherine, we have talked about this.
I'm not bothered either way.
However paranoid you want to be, you are getting a fair shot to impress the Minister here, so it's up to you whether you want to take it or not.
OK? Oh, fudge.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck this now! - What's wrong? - Nose bleed -- a lot.
- Oh, God! Oh, yes, it's a common symptom of stress - There's a toilet down there.
- Sorry.
- I'll just - Sorry.
- I'll get out of your way.
- Oh - You all right? - All right, go on.
- Oh - Oh! - You stay there.
There you go, there you go, there you go.
Do you ever get the feeling that .
.
you're just completely, utterly fucked? Yeah, yeah, all the time.
Er, you missed some around your Hang on one sec.
Around your whole Yeah.
Oh, God, I look like an angry tampon.
Sort of suits you.
Poor girl.
What are you setting her up for? And the rest of us? It's just a routine policy presentation, that's all.
Or is it a chance to get back at me? And your brother? I think we're beyond that now, aren't we? - Where are you going? - To the sky.
- I'm not sure - What? - Maybe you should just have a little sit-down? - Why? Because you're completely fucking munted, that's why, Danny.
I'm escaping the cliffs, like you said.
- Yeah, I know, but - So I need to keep going, don't I? This is all getting a little bit fucking silly now, mate! So fucking what? - You fuck! - Oh! Hmm.
Oh, my God, I've missed you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Wait.
Are you, are you on? Er, no.
A coil.
- I didn't know they still did - Shall we just? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- He's, er, very supportive of his colleagues.
- Yeah.
Admirable really.
Oh Let's just chill out a bit, yeah? I can't.
I've got some more.
Danny? - Are you all right, mate? - Fine, fine.
Danny, are you all right, mate? - Oh! - Oh! - Oh! Oh! Oh! - Oh! Fuck.
Oh You stupid fucking twat.
- Oh, are you feeling better? - Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
- You were a while.
- That was his fault.
- What? - Why? Well, he had a .
.
a poo .
.
after.
- Is that why you're sweating? - Mmm-hmm.
'Sorry about all the technical difficulties, 'ladies and gentlemen.
'We might have to call it a day at the next stop, I'm afraid.
Sorry.
' Did anyone try Danny again? - H-hello? - In a bar maybe? - He's a Muslim.
- He's a little bit lapsed in areas of his faith.
- I think I might have broken him.
- Argh! We are going to have to share two rooms.
How do you fancy bunking up, Anthony? - I didn't fuck MYSELF in that train carriage, did I? - Are we done? Yes, Minister.
I've not been doing too well, Dad.
I just wanted to come home.
- Can I smell booze, love? - Gin.
I'm not sure that I can do this.
Oh, shit!