One Day at a Time (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Date Night
1 Uh This is my third coat, Jerry.
What do we think? Over the top, or just Cuban? Lady, you look great.
You better stop flirting with me, Jerry.
People don't hook up with their Uber driver, unless they want to be part of a very unfortunate story in the news.
But you're not gonna murder me and throw me in the trunk, right, Jer? Well, not now.
I needed that joke.
I'm a little hyped up, if you can't tell.
Take it easy.
It's just a first date.
Just have fun.
No pressure.
No pressure, Jerry? Mira, a first date is two hearts parched in the desert, quenching forever their thirst for amor.
Wait, what? Hold on.
- DÃgame.
Mami, the story of when you and Papi first met.
Cuba, 1958.
You might wanna circle the block, Jerry.
It was a hot, steamy night, and I had borrowed my sister Maruchi's red dress.
And I had snuck into the Havana Club.
And the passion fell like rain drops.
And I was about to enter the heart of the hurricane.
And I'm circling the block.
I am Berto.
I was Lydia.
Now I am yours.
You are the most beautiful woman in the world.
How could you know? You've never left Cuba.
And now I never will.
What is it like to be so loved? You tell me.
I don't speak Spanish, but I know your date's not gonna be that good.
I know, Jerry! Thanks, Mami.
Claro, but I have to go.
Schneider's a wreck.
Tell it again.
Then my mom says, "Niña, your papi and I have a love that goes beyond death.
" You know, she still talks to him out loud.
He's dead, Jerry.
I'm kinda jealous of him.
Oh, Jerry, I'm sorry.
Okay, I'm out.
You have a good night.
-And I'mma give you five stars.
-Thank you.
But I should give myself five stars for making it out of the house tonight.
I can't tell you what it took just to get to this moment.
But you're gonna, huh? Yesterday, I was in my office I'm a nurse.
I used to be in the Army, but I don't wanna get off track.
I'll tell you about that later.
Anyway, they start all this stuff about me being So, what's everybody got going on tonight? Any fun plans? I was thinking of walking the aisles at Target to see if I can make any new friends.
You wanna make new friends, you ought to come to the bowling alley, and watch me crush some pins.
That's a good Oh, you're serious? Well, what about you, Penelope? Oh, you know, Mama got a big pile of bills with her name on it.
No, literally my name is on every bill.
Anyway, I'm just, you know, flying solo.
Penelope you are so brave.
What's happening? I mean, casting your man aside and striking out on your own.
At your age, I would literally kill myself.
Hmm I get why you'd wanna kill you.
It's not so bad out there for older singles like Penelope and me.
Ugh! I felt that one in the gut.
For starters, there are so many microwave meals now, and I dig 'em.
Sometimes when I wanna splurge, I get the Betty Crocker omelet for two, for one.
Doc, you're forgetting about the best part about being single.
Dating apps.
Oh, they're great.
There's guys like me out there.
Oh, I didn't know there was an app called "Disappointment.
" You gotta start dating again, Penelope.
Right now, while there's still barely time.
-I'm 38.
-I know.
Okay, okay! Everybody, I really appreciate all the advice but I'm good.
I don't need a date.
I was married to Victor for 17 years, and I'm loving not having a dude around.
Excuse me.
I guess there are some things I miss.
I have a package for Penelope Alvarez.
What? Why why is everybody laughing? That's me.
Sign here.
Okay.
-Penelope.
-That's my name.
I'll remember now.
Thank you.
Oh, my God! You saw that? You saw that! I still got it! I still got it.
Yes! And there are hot men out there with big packages and you know whose name is on those big packages? Mine.
So, yeah, I still got it, Michelle, but for how long? Because let's face it, Lori's right, when it comes to dating, 38 is basically sixty in lady years.
I'm the Dr.
Berkowitz of women.
I don't know what that means, but it sounds sad.
Dr.
Berkowitz is my boss, remember, Michelle? I'm about to have my first date in 20 years, and right now you're my therapist, so I need you to keep up.
-Can I get a beer? -No, she's busy.
Let me explain what you're looking at.
I'm a snowman.
I don't wanna be racist, but does that mean coke dealer? Snowman means, right now, I look good, because it's still winter and everything is where it's supposed to be, but spring is a comin', girl.
And all of this is about to melt.
That's silly.
You look amazing! Right now, but not for long.
I mean, I have one slight advantage, 'cause I got the Latina patina.
Because there's something about our skin, you know.
A white girl like yourself's gotta start worrying around 30.
-How old are you? -Thirty-three.
I'm sorry, honey.
But this is why I have to force myself out there to meet Adam Bennett.
-Gimme your vibe.
-Oh, hello.
He's cute, right? Yeah, yeah.
Maybe he's too cute.
Maybe he won't think I'm cute.
Maybe I'm not even a snowman anymore.
Maybe I've melted.
Michelle! Am I just a puddle, a carrot, and a magic hat? -Oh, no, I can't.
-It's not for you.
I don't know why I'm so freaked out! I was fine yesterday.
How the hell do I do this? Do I like? Do I swipe? Do I put someone in my cart? It's like watching a baby bird learn to fly.
Everybody I know is either married or I'm too embarrassed to ask them.
So, you were my only option.
I hear ya.
And I'm honored.
- Help.
- All right, all right.
Are you sure you wanna do the online thing? For you, I'd recommend a more old-fashioned approach.
Go to a coffee shop, make eye contact with an appealing stranger, then, follow them home.
-Follow them home? -Yeah.
Or to their car.
You could try a bathroom stall, but that's a little sketch.
I mean, listen, you do you, but you're a mother now.
I'm not looking to have sex with someone.
Yeah, let's not put that in your profile.
I get it, you mean a real date.
Yes, it's been 20 years.
You know, back then, online dating meant hooking up while waiting in line to buy Boyz II Men tickets.
I helped turn a couple of boys to men.
Okay.
Okay.
Ooh, ooh, use this picture for my profile.
I look cute there.
So do your kids.
No one wants to see your kids.
That's, like, a second date revealer.
If you're good, a never reveal.
Right, right, lie about everything.
This is good.
Do you have some paper so I could write this down? I'm just gonna do a little Photoshop, replace the kids with a bicycle, so he thinks you exercise.
And we're live.
Okay, what about this guy? He went to Brown.
Yeah, but he's posing with a tiger.
Yeah, but he's holding nunchucks, so he's awesome! But not for you.
Okay.
You might also want to avoid guys who post their abs, but not their face.
And anyone who says they're an entrepreneur.
What does your profile say? I am an entrepreneur.
Okay, what about this guy? He's a cop.
Okay, a guy in uniform.
I'm not uninterested.
He has nice eyes.
"Adam Bennett.
" And you have a date tonight.
-No, wait, what? That was too fast.
-No, you're too slow.
He's probably already forgotten about your date and moved on to someone whose bicycle isn't wearing sneakers.
I'm really bad at Photoshop.
Come on, Pen, you doing this or not? Okay, you know what? I realized I I didn't think this through at all.
I I mean, my mom still thinks I'm married, so, you know, she's gonna lose her mind and Elena might be okay, but Alex, he's still so young and this could definitely mess with him.
I don't think I should do it.
If my family finds out, it'll be a disaster.
Maybe just don't tell 'em? Genius! Let's do this thing! Set it up for tomorrow, 7:30.
Both kids are busy.
-And, Schneider? -Yeah? -Schneider.
Hey! -Yeah.
-All right.
-Look at me in the eye here.
Okay? My mom, Elena, Alex Nobody can know.
Hey, don't worry, I'll be way too busy to tell them.
Just texted nunchucks guy and I think we're gonna hang.
So then I was like, "Let's do this thing!" I went to Sephora, and bought a tube of mascara, so I could get a free makeover.
Hey, did you know that mascara's, like, 14 bucks now? Mine was 36.
Shut your face, my new best friend, Abby! Hey, can I get that toilet paper I asked for five minutes ago? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
Found a jumpsuit for 40 bucks that shows off the girls! Talking about my boobs, Abby! Anyway curled, sprayed, plucked.
Abby, I am hairless.
And I am here.
Oh, man.
I even shaved my lady 'stache.
- Wait, you can do that? - Yes.
It doesn't grow back thicker.
That's a myth started by Big Wax.
Oh, look at me.
Uh when I met my ex, I was wearing sneaks, jeans, a tit tank and a flannel.
I know, it was a better time.
Wait, are you okay? I'm sorry, I thought my boyfriend, Benji, was going to propose to me tonight and he didn't.
All right, come on, Abby.
Open up.
We gotta hug this out.
Are you kidding me? What? Sweetheart, look at you! Don't take this the wrong way, but your problems are nothing.
Yeah, wow! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just mean that Benji is just a bump in what is obviously going to be a very smooth and luxurious road.
Whoever you marry, he'll be rich.
And you'll probably end up being one of those Real Housewives ladies.
And anyway, this is like 20 years from now because you're a child.
A tall, hot child! Do you really think that I could be one of the Real Housewives? I know you can.
And now, I'm gonna say to you what I wish my mother would have said to me before my date.
Good luck.
Thanks! Wait, I thought your family didn't know.
Oh, I didn't tell you what my mother said? Red lipstick is for putas.
What? I'm just saying you should wear red lipstick for your encounter tonight.
-Damn it, Schneider.
-No, Schneider didn't say anything.
I know because you obviously shaved your moustache.
Was it that bad? Ay, niña, I felt like braiding it.
Anyway.
I'm just having dinner, okay? And I'm not being a puta.
No, you're a married woman, who is going out on a date with a man who is not your husband.
What is the right word? Let me see Uh, sucia? Tramp? No.
Ah, of course, hoochie.
I am separated.
And I'm not having this conversation.
And keep your voice down because the kids can't know.
Hey, you shaved your 'stache! What's going on? Do you have a date? How is everybody figuring this out so fast? I didn't want you to worry, so I didn't wanna tell you.
It's just dinner.
Mom, I'm fine! I mean, I thought it was cool that you were blurring gender lines with your upper lip but this is great! Okay, mostly what I'm hearing is I have to up my grooming game.
But you're you're really okay? Of course.
I mean, it's well-documented that women in their late 30s are in their sexual prime.
- Ay, Elena.
Please.
You're too okay with it.
And don't tell Alex.
- I mean it.
- Please.
First of all, I'm not a gossip and if I were, it wouldn't be to my little brother about my mom's love life.
Am I in trouble? No.
We're we're just thinking.
Mmm.
Well, when you're done thinking, can I have $100? What? I don't know, I need money for tonight because me and my friends are going bowling.
Or miniature golfing.
Or to the arcade.
I don't know, just give me $100! Uh, okay.
First of all, you need a plan.
Second of all, I need to approve the plan, and third of all, 100 bucks? That was funny.
No Stupid Finn keeps changing his mind.
First he invites Joaquin.
Then he has to invite Jade because he invited Joaquin.
Then she wants to bring JuJu and Casey and Maddie.
I don't know any of these people! We need to talk more! Don't talk to him.
-He cannot know about this date.
-Whoa! Okay, okay! Dios mÃo.
So weird.
I was dying to tell him.
I'm, like, buzzing.
Is this what gossip is? Who am I? Abuelita is talking to ghost Abuelito again.
I'm not talking to you.
So, does Papi think I'm a puta, too? Ay, no seas ridÃcula, your papi would never say those things about you.
Only I think that.
Also, you're sitting on him.
I'm doing this.
Come on, Mami, it would be nice to have your support.
I suppose there is nothing wrong with having dinner with a friend who is a man, so Thank you.
If you wanna have a second dinner, wear the red lipstick.
I actually don't own one.
You can borrow mine.
So, I finally forced myself out of the house and overcame an expected, yet still surprisingly strong anxiety attack.
Now I'm here.
Your waiter will be with you in a minute.
Thanks, Kristen.
We didn't get a chance to talk much, but you seem cool.
Hi, I'm Tyler.
I'll be taking care of you tonight.
I know you're waiting for one more, but can I start you off with an appetizer? No, you can start me off with a drink.
Because, Tyler, I went through hell to get here tonight.
Every aspect of this date has been dissected by all the people in my life.
My mom, my daughter, my landlord, some giant, hot baby in the bathroom.
Have you seen her, by the way? Please tell me she's eating something.
The point is, everybody had an opinion about this.
Okay.
So, uh, do you know what you want? Of course.
Why wouldn't you two be waiting for me? I thought you had a thing with Carmen.
I came home early so we could all dish.
Cuéntanos de todo.
Did he have soulful eyes? Were his teeth white, but not too white? Now the teeth are too white.
What is that? He was very nice.
And I'm glad I did it.
But, uh, wasn't two hearts in the desert like you and Papi.
Aw! Yeah, I'm not gonna see him again.
See who? You didn't wanna give me the heads-up that he was here? Heads-up, Alex is here.
Wait, why are you wearing Abuelita's lipstick? -Ay.
-Why do you know that? It's Scarlet Sunrise.
Duh! And why are you all dressed up? All right, everybody, get out of here, so I can talk to Alex.
Sit down, papito.
-What happened to your face? -What happened to your face? I'm sorry.
I was hanging out with my friends.
It's hard to turn it off.
Anyway, stupid Finn pushed me into a bush and I got scratched.
Why do you like that kid again? Because he seems like a-- Like a dick? Yes, but that's not okay that you said that.
Anyway, I wanna be straight with you.
Tonight I had a date.
Wait, just listen.
So, do you know what you want? -Let me give you a second.
-Thank you.
You walked out? I don't want those gossiping hens to hear.
But yes No one has asked me what I wanted in a long time.
And I realized what I wanted wasn't a date.
Then what did you want? A crappy chick flick by myself.
And a fro-yo with three too many toppings.
The kind that I make you and Elena split.
Aw, man! Anyway, I sent the guy a text apologizing, but I want Abuelita to think that I went out with him, so that next time I don't get the third degree.
Next time? Yeah.
Because I'm pretty sure there's gonna be a next time at some point.
Are you okay with that? Yeah, I mean, I figured you would.
After all, women in their late 30s are in their sexual prime.
Oh, God! What? Stop talking to your sister.
Tell her to stop talking to me! Anyway, dating is super weird.
I know! I know Why do you know? My dumb friends have been trying to get me and this girl, Anna, together.
Oh, I see.
So, what happened tonight was Finn made a plan.
Then everybody bailed on purpose, so Anna and I could be alone.
Okay.
I mean, I like Anna, but I don't really want a girlfriend.
It was like everyone had something to say about it, but me.
That's exactly how I felt.
And you're right, dating is super weird, until it's not.
Something else you wanna talk to me about? Well, I kinda lied to you.
Oh, God, what is it? Did you steal something? Did you damage something? Did you pee on something 'cause you were mad and then later you were, like, "I shouldn't have done that"? No! Who does that? These are just general examples.
What did you do? This isn't because Finn pushed me into a bush.
I tried to shave.
Really? Oh, my God.
It's all happening.
So you don't want a girlfriend, but you did wanna look nice.
I guess.
I used one of your razors and cut myself.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
I think I know someone who can help you out.
I am a Latina, you are a 12-year-old boy, so we have the same amount of facial fuzz.
Okay.
Watch and learn.
You wanna go with the hair.
Uh-huh.
Now that I'm shaving, it's gonna grow back thick, right? No, that's a myth.
Aw, man! Hola, mi vida.
Berto, you look guapÃsimo in that suit.
Which is why you buried me in it.
So, Lupe did not go on that date.
-¿Qué? -Mmm-hmm.
-You told me she was going.
-Oh, she lied.
Mentirosa.
She said she went, but when she got home, she wasn't super happy, she wasn't super sad.
And I know our Lupe.
There was no date.
What are we going to do about our niña? Dichoso tú, you don't have to do anything.
Lo siento, mi amor.
Yeah, you don't look that sorry.
¿Qué puedo hacer? Bertito they broke the mold when they made you.
Now you're just being nice.
I'm not that nice.
That's why I married you.
Little aloe vera on your upper lip and you're good to go.
I can't wait until I have more hair than you.
Me neither! What's Abuelita doing? She's on a date.
What do we think? Over the top, or just Cuban? Lady, you look great.
You better stop flirting with me, Jerry.
People don't hook up with their Uber driver, unless they want to be part of a very unfortunate story in the news.
But you're not gonna murder me and throw me in the trunk, right, Jer? Well, not now.
I needed that joke.
I'm a little hyped up, if you can't tell.
Take it easy.
It's just a first date.
Just have fun.
No pressure.
No pressure, Jerry? Mira, a first date is two hearts parched in the desert, quenching forever their thirst for amor.
Wait, what? Hold on.
- DÃgame.
Mami, the story of when you and Papi first met.
Cuba, 1958.
You might wanna circle the block, Jerry.
It was a hot, steamy night, and I had borrowed my sister Maruchi's red dress.
And I had snuck into the Havana Club.
And the passion fell like rain drops.
And I was about to enter the heart of the hurricane.
And I'm circling the block.
I am Berto.
I was Lydia.
Now I am yours.
You are the most beautiful woman in the world.
How could you know? You've never left Cuba.
And now I never will.
What is it like to be so loved? You tell me.
I don't speak Spanish, but I know your date's not gonna be that good.
I know, Jerry! Thanks, Mami.
Claro, but I have to go.
Schneider's a wreck.
Tell it again.
Then my mom says, "Niña, your papi and I have a love that goes beyond death.
" You know, she still talks to him out loud.
He's dead, Jerry.
I'm kinda jealous of him.
Oh, Jerry, I'm sorry.
Okay, I'm out.
You have a good night.
-And I'mma give you five stars.
-Thank you.
But I should give myself five stars for making it out of the house tonight.
I can't tell you what it took just to get to this moment.
But you're gonna, huh? Yesterday, I was in my office I'm a nurse.
I used to be in the Army, but I don't wanna get off track.
I'll tell you about that later.
Anyway, they start all this stuff about me being So, what's everybody got going on tonight? Any fun plans? I was thinking of walking the aisles at Target to see if I can make any new friends.
You wanna make new friends, you ought to come to the bowling alley, and watch me crush some pins.
That's a good Oh, you're serious? Well, what about you, Penelope? Oh, you know, Mama got a big pile of bills with her name on it.
No, literally my name is on every bill.
Anyway, I'm just, you know, flying solo.
Penelope you are so brave.
What's happening? I mean, casting your man aside and striking out on your own.
At your age, I would literally kill myself.
Hmm I get why you'd wanna kill you.
It's not so bad out there for older singles like Penelope and me.
Ugh! I felt that one in the gut.
For starters, there are so many microwave meals now, and I dig 'em.
Sometimes when I wanna splurge, I get the Betty Crocker omelet for two, for one.
Doc, you're forgetting about the best part about being single.
Dating apps.
Oh, they're great.
There's guys like me out there.
Oh, I didn't know there was an app called "Disappointment.
" You gotta start dating again, Penelope.
Right now, while there's still barely time.
-I'm 38.
-I know.
Okay, okay! Everybody, I really appreciate all the advice but I'm good.
I don't need a date.
I was married to Victor for 17 years, and I'm loving not having a dude around.
Excuse me.
I guess there are some things I miss.
I have a package for Penelope Alvarez.
What? Why why is everybody laughing? That's me.
Sign here.
Okay.
-Penelope.
-That's my name.
I'll remember now.
Thank you.
Oh, my God! You saw that? You saw that! I still got it! I still got it.
Yes! And there are hot men out there with big packages and you know whose name is on those big packages? Mine.
So, yeah, I still got it, Michelle, but for how long? Because let's face it, Lori's right, when it comes to dating, 38 is basically sixty in lady years.
I'm the Dr.
Berkowitz of women.
I don't know what that means, but it sounds sad.
Dr.
Berkowitz is my boss, remember, Michelle? I'm about to have my first date in 20 years, and right now you're my therapist, so I need you to keep up.
-Can I get a beer? -No, she's busy.
Let me explain what you're looking at.
I'm a snowman.
I don't wanna be racist, but does that mean coke dealer? Snowman means, right now, I look good, because it's still winter and everything is where it's supposed to be, but spring is a comin', girl.
And all of this is about to melt.
That's silly.
You look amazing! Right now, but not for long.
I mean, I have one slight advantage, 'cause I got the Latina patina.
Because there's something about our skin, you know.
A white girl like yourself's gotta start worrying around 30.
-How old are you? -Thirty-three.
I'm sorry, honey.
But this is why I have to force myself out there to meet Adam Bennett.
-Gimme your vibe.
-Oh, hello.
He's cute, right? Yeah, yeah.
Maybe he's too cute.
Maybe he won't think I'm cute.
Maybe I'm not even a snowman anymore.
Maybe I've melted.
Michelle! Am I just a puddle, a carrot, and a magic hat? -Oh, no, I can't.
-It's not for you.
I don't know why I'm so freaked out! I was fine yesterday.
How the hell do I do this? Do I like? Do I swipe? Do I put someone in my cart? It's like watching a baby bird learn to fly.
Everybody I know is either married or I'm too embarrassed to ask them.
So, you were my only option.
I hear ya.
And I'm honored.
- Help.
- All right, all right.
Are you sure you wanna do the online thing? For you, I'd recommend a more old-fashioned approach.
Go to a coffee shop, make eye contact with an appealing stranger, then, follow them home.
-Follow them home? -Yeah.
Or to their car.
You could try a bathroom stall, but that's a little sketch.
I mean, listen, you do you, but you're a mother now.
I'm not looking to have sex with someone.
Yeah, let's not put that in your profile.
I get it, you mean a real date.
Yes, it's been 20 years.
You know, back then, online dating meant hooking up while waiting in line to buy Boyz II Men tickets.
I helped turn a couple of boys to men.
Okay.
Okay.
Ooh, ooh, use this picture for my profile.
I look cute there.
So do your kids.
No one wants to see your kids.
That's, like, a second date revealer.
If you're good, a never reveal.
Right, right, lie about everything.
This is good.
Do you have some paper so I could write this down? I'm just gonna do a little Photoshop, replace the kids with a bicycle, so he thinks you exercise.
And we're live.
Okay, what about this guy? He went to Brown.
Yeah, but he's posing with a tiger.
Yeah, but he's holding nunchucks, so he's awesome! But not for you.
Okay.
You might also want to avoid guys who post their abs, but not their face.
And anyone who says they're an entrepreneur.
What does your profile say? I am an entrepreneur.
Okay, what about this guy? He's a cop.
Okay, a guy in uniform.
I'm not uninterested.
He has nice eyes.
"Adam Bennett.
" And you have a date tonight.
-No, wait, what? That was too fast.
-No, you're too slow.
He's probably already forgotten about your date and moved on to someone whose bicycle isn't wearing sneakers.
I'm really bad at Photoshop.
Come on, Pen, you doing this or not? Okay, you know what? I realized I I didn't think this through at all.
I I mean, my mom still thinks I'm married, so, you know, she's gonna lose her mind and Elena might be okay, but Alex, he's still so young and this could definitely mess with him.
I don't think I should do it.
If my family finds out, it'll be a disaster.
Maybe just don't tell 'em? Genius! Let's do this thing! Set it up for tomorrow, 7:30.
Both kids are busy.
-And, Schneider? -Yeah? -Schneider.
Hey! -Yeah.
-All right.
-Look at me in the eye here.
Okay? My mom, Elena, Alex Nobody can know.
Hey, don't worry, I'll be way too busy to tell them.
Just texted nunchucks guy and I think we're gonna hang.
So then I was like, "Let's do this thing!" I went to Sephora, and bought a tube of mascara, so I could get a free makeover.
Hey, did you know that mascara's, like, 14 bucks now? Mine was 36.
Shut your face, my new best friend, Abby! Hey, can I get that toilet paper I asked for five minutes ago? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
Found a jumpsuit for 40 bucks that shows off the girls! Talking about my boobs, Abby! Anyway curled, sprayed, plucked.
Abby, I am hairless.
And I am here.
Oh, man.
I even shaved my lady 'stache.
- Wait, you can do that? - Yes.
It doesn't grow back thicker.
That's a myth started by Big Wax.
Oh, look at me.
Uh when I met my ex, I was wearing sneaks, jeans, a tit tank and a flannel.
I know, it was a better time.
Wait, are you okay? I'm sorry, I thought my boyfriend, Benji, was going to propose to me tonight and he didn't.
All right, come on, Abby.
Open up.
We gotta hug this out.
Are you kidding me? What? Sweetheart, look at you! Don't take this the wrong way, but your problems are nothing.
Yeah, wow! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just mean that Benji is just a bump in what is obviously going to be a very smooth and luxurious road.
Whoever you marry, he'll be rich.
And you'll probably end up being one of those Real Housewives ladies.
And anyway, this is like 20 years from now because you're a child.
A tall, hot child! Do you really think that I could be one of the Real Housewives? I know you can.
And now, I'm gonna say to you what I wish my mother would have said to me before my date.
Good luck.
Thanks! Wait, I thought your family didn't know.
Oh, I didn't tell you what my mother said? Red lipstick is for putas.
What? I'm just saying you should wear red lipstick for your encounter tonight.
-Damn it, Schneider.
-No, Schneider didn't say anything.
I know because you obviously shaved your moustache.
Was it that bad? Ay, niña, I felt like braiding it.
Anyway.
I'm just having dinner, okay? And I'm not being a puta.
No, you're a married woman, who is going out on a date with a man who is not your husband.
What is the right word? Let me see Uh, sucia? Tramp? No.
Ah, of course, hoochie.
I am separated.
And I'm not having this conversation.
And keep your voice down because the kids can't know.
Hey, you shaved your 'stache! What's going on? Do you have a date? How is everybody figuring this out so fast? I didn't want you to worry, so I didn't wanna tell you.
It's just dinner.
Mom, I'm fine! I mean, I thought it was cool that you were blurring gender lines with your upper lip but this is great! Okay, mostly what I'm hearing is I have to up my grooming game.
But you're you're really okay? Of course.
I mean, it's well-documented that women in their late 30s are in their sexual prime.
- Ay, Elena.
Please.
You're too okay with it.
And don't tell Alex.
- I mean it.
- Please.
First of all, I'm not a gossip and if I were, it wouldn't be to my little brother about my mom's love life.
Am I in trouble? No.
We're we're just thinking.
Mmm.
Well, when you're done thinking, can I have $100? What? I don't know, I need money for tonight because me and my friends are going bowling.
Or miniature golfing.
Or to the arcade.
I don't know, just give me $100! Uh, okay.
First of all, you need a plan.
Second of all, I need to approve the plan, and third of all, 100 bucks? That was funny.
No Stupid Finn keeps changing his mind.
First he invites Joaquin.
Then he has to invite Jade because he invited Joaquin.
Then she wants to bring JuJu and Casey and Maddie.
I don't know any of these people! We need to talk more! Don't talk to him.
-He cannot know about this date.
-Whoa! Okay, okay! Dios mÃo.
So weird.
I was dying to tell him.
I'm, like, buzzing.
Is this what gossip is? Who am I? Abuelita is talking to ghost Abuelito again.
I'm not talking to you.
So, does Papi think I'm a puta, too? Ay, no seas ridÃcula, your papi would never say those things about you.
Only I think that.
Also, you're sitting on him.
I'm doing this.
Come on, Mami, it would be nice to have your support.
I suppose there is nothing wrong with having dinner with a friend who is a man, so Thank you.
If you wanna have a second dinner, wear the red lipstick.
I actually don't own one.
You can borrow mine.
So, I finally forced myself out of the house and overcame an expected, yet still surprisingly strong anxiety attack.
Now I'm here.
Your waiter will be with you in a minute.
Thanks, Kristen.
We didn't get a chance to talk much, but you seem cool.
Hi, I'm Tyler.
I'll be taking care of you tonight.
I know you're waiting for one more, but can I start you off with an appetizer? No, you can start me off with a drink.
Because, Tyler, I went through hell to get here tonight.
Every aspect of this date has been dissected by all the people in my life.
My mom, my daughter, my landlord, some giant, hot baby in the bathroom.
Have you seen her, by the way? Please tell me she's eating something.
The point is, everybody had an opinion about this.
Okay.
So, uh, do you know what you want? Of course.
Why wouldn't you two be waiting for me? I thought you had a thing with Carmen.
I came home early so we could all dish.
Cuéntanos de todo.
Did he have soulful eyes? Were his teeth white, but not too white? Now the teeth are too white.
What is that? He was very nice.
And I'm glad I did it.
But, uh, wasn't two hearts in the desert like you and Papi.
Aw! Yeah, I'm not gonna see him again.
See who? You didn't wanna give me the heads-up that he was here? Heads-up, Alex is here.
Wait, why are you wearing Abuelita's lipstick? -Ay.
-Why do you know that? It's Scarlet Sunrise.
Duh! And why are you all dressed up? All right, everybody, get out of here, so I can talk to Alex.
Sit down, papito.
-What happened to your face? -What happened to your face? I'm sorry.
I was hanging out with my friends.
It's hard to turn it off.
Anyway, stupid Finn pushed me into a bush and I got scratched.
Why do you like that kid again? Because he seems like a-- Like a dick? Yes, but that's not okay that you said that.
Anyway, I wanna be straight with you.
Tonight I had a date.
Wait, just listen.
So, do you know what you want? -Let me give you a second.
-Thank you.
You walked out? I don't want those gossiping hens to hear.
But yes No one has asked me what I wanted in a long time.
And I realized what I wanted wasn't a date.
Then what did you want? A crappy chick flick by myself.
And a fro-yo with three too many toppings.
The kind that I make you and Elena split.
Aw, man! Anyway, I sent the guy a text apologizing, but I want Abuelita to think that I went out with him, so that next time I don't get the third degree.
Next time? Yeah.
Because I'm pretty sure there's gonna be a next time at some point.
Are you okay with that? Yeah, I mean, I figured you would.
After all, women in their late 30s are in their sexual prime.
Oh, God! What? Stop talking to your sister.
Tell her to stop talking to me! Anyway, dating is super weird.
I know! I know Why do you know? My dumb friends have been trying to get me and this girl, Anna, together.
Oh, I see.
So, what happened tonight was Finn made a plan.
Then everybody bailed on purpose, so Anna and I could be alone.
Okay.
I mean, I like Anna, but I don't really want a girlfriend.
It was like everyone had something to say about it, but me.
That's exactly how I felt.
And you're right, dating is super weird, until it's not.
Something else you wanna talk to me about? Well, I kinda lied to you.
Oh, God, what is it? Did you steal something? Did you damage something? Did you pee on something 'cause you were mad and then later you were, like, "I shouldn't have done that"? No! Who does that? These are just general examples.
What did you do? This isn't because Finn pushed me into a bush.
I tried to shave.
Really? Oh, my God.
It's all happening.
So you don't want a girlfriend, but you did wanna look nice.
I guess.
I used one of your razors and cut myself.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
I think I know someone who can help you out.
I am a Latina, you are a 12-year-old boy, so we have the same amount of facial fuzz.
Okay.
Watch and learn.
You wanna go with the hair.
Uh-huh.
Now that I'm shaving, it's gonna grow back thick, right? No, that's a myth.
Aw, man! Hola, mi vida.
Berto, you look guapÃsimo in that suit.
Which is why you buried me in it.
So, Lupe did not go on that date.
-¿Qué? -Mmm-hmm.
-You told me she was going.
-Oh, she lied.
Mentirosa.
She said she went, but when she got home, she wasn't super happy, she wasn't super sad.
And I know our Lupe.
There was no date.
What are we going to do about our niña? Dichoso tú, you don't have to do anything.
Lo siento, mi amor.
Yeah, you don't look that sorry.
¿Qué puedo hacer? Bertito they broke the mold when they made you.
Now you're just being nice.
I'm not that nice.
That's why I married you.
Little aloe vera on your upper lip and you're good to go.
I can't wait until I have more hair than you.
Me neither! What's Abuelita doing? She's on a date.