Operation Good Guys (1997) s01e04 Episode Script

Holiday

Come on, ladies and gents.
Not less than 250.
I tell you what, Bones.
I'll put a tenner on you.
Don't let me down.
British Bulldog.
- Come on, Bones! - Bonesey! (CALLS OF ENCOURAGEMENT) Go on, my son! Go on! - I think I've burst something.
- Someone get an ambulance! Quick! I told you it would bloody come to this, didn't I? # The Good Guys! # If you undo all the buttons, it would be better.
- With respect - Four is a funny number.
If you have three, do the middle one.
It will look quite natural.
I think what we need to do today is to take time out.
We have had some legal difficulties, as you probably know, with the siege that we had and, of course, the Mr Seaman incident, so there are things that I have to take care of today and I am best doing that when there are no other distractions around.
- Just walk naturally.
- That's how they do it.
I'm not talking about them.
You do it.
A naturalnatural, fluid walk.
And turn.
And come back.
Yeah, turn.
No, no, just turn and come back.
Don't spin round.
What I understand from everybody today is they are doing their own thing.
If you'd like to follow them, please feel free.
It's still an open door policy here.
Em Enjoy your day off, too.
OK.
- I've got a little something for you.
- Not another bill? No.
No, a little pressie.
A little apple for the teacher.
I'll go and get it.
It's in my locker.
D.
I.
Beach has given them a day off.
Can the British tax-payer afford that? They could be doing anything.
Cleaning toilets Well, we got the day off and we can hang up our professional aura.
Unlike Smiler McCarthy, criminal, always looking over his shoulder.
Can never relax.
I think I must have split something inside.
I've got internal bleeding.
- I've got a bruise right here.
- When did you do this? - About half an hour ago.
- A half hour ago? I can fit you in as an emergency at about 10 past 12.
We've a fully-booked surgery.
Right, if you could just I'm thinking, if you could just hang here.
All right? Just for two seconds.
Let me sort it out.
Could be a bit tense.
(CAMERAMAN) Yeah.
OK.
All right, honey? Baby, I'm home! Love is back! (WIFE) Lovely to see you at this ungodly hour of the day (!) People downstairs were having a rave! Where's a copper when you need one?! We don't relax on a day off, really, because I think that everyone else should be here.
I think it's not right for people to go off.
You should be polishing your act, not running away from it.
It's new car polish, sir.
Bosnian car polish.
From Bosnia.
They found that if they extract the silicone from gulls' eggs, they put it into a polish, paste, and if you polish your car with it - I saw the ad on TV - it's remarkable.
You put petrol on your car, set fire to it and cook an egg on the car.
They put the fire out, brush the egg off and the polish is perfect.
Unbelievable.
- A very funny-tasting egg.
- You don't eat it.
Just to demonstrate.
I'd recommend it.
Yeah, that seemed to go all right.
She's all right.
She gets a bit uptight.
It's the Latin blood.
Her mother's side.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Got that, Mark? - You take it now.
Yeah? You do it.
- Right.
I see a young man, the Commissioner's nephew, with a lot of energy.
I want to channel it.
- You ready? - Yeah.
One! Two! Three! Four! Clock this.
- How's that? - Stop taking the piss.
We'd better give it a go, Ray.
High gloss.
- Let's go outside and have a go.
- Wanna do it now? - Why not? - I'll get a cloth.
I think I've got one.
Come and join us.
I don't think my wife worries very much because I suppose, to a certain extent, she enjoys to see me in pain.
In, like, the training, the press-ups, all that kind of stuff.
She knows how hard the training is, so she enjoys that.
- We're never really in danger.
- She likes to see your equipment on.
Yeah, but that's a private thing.
- I meant your uniform.
- Oh, I see.
# So to all acceptable aliens I pray # I could learn to accept your behaviour # You all right, guys? I often do a bit for the neighbours.
They love it.
Music.
I'll come and let you in.
All right? So here we are.
Home, sweet home.
Come in, but can you wipe your feet? And don't scratch my walls.
And be careful of this picture.
I'm back! OK, that's my flatmates.
Now, I've got to go upstairs and change, right? I've got to get out of these clothes.
I really hate that they make me wear this.
I won't be a minute.
Da-da! What do you think? I enjoy inflicting pain.
You know, if I don't inflict pain, people will never, ever remember.
That's why Mark has to be disciplined.
Because he won't remember.
He will not remember this training.
- He will.
- He will, yeah.
After we put him through it, yeah.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One Oh! (BLEEP) This, to me, is the lacy cami of the classic car world.
And Excuse me, Ray.
It has this heavy, masculine appearance, but it's got beautiful, fecund, feminine qualities.
- Almost like little buttocks.
- I don't know about that.
As you can see, a feature here There's a daddy long legs! It looks like a train, like a cow shifter.
For shifting cows off the tracks.
- No, it's not.
- Noit's not.
Three, four, five, switch! Two, three, four, five, switch! Oh (BLEEP) Oh! These are my flatmates.
This is the documentary crew I told you about.
This is Charlotte Come and sit down.
And Veronique, from French Mauritius.
- Say something in French.
- Em Bonjour! - This is Mark, the cameraman.
- Hello.
He's been with us for a couple of weeks.
So we're going out The sound man.
- What's that? - The boom.
- It's a big one! - Listen, crack open the wine.
- Yeah.
- Is there wine in the fridge? I'll get it.
- You stay here.
- Hello.
What's that little thing again? - Whose is this? - Oh, it's mine, sir.
- Yours? - Yeah, Toyota.
Top of the range.
- Twin cam, 16-valve, alloy wheels.
- You bought this? Leather upholstery.
Just bought it.
Like a panther.
120 miles on the motorway.
- 120 miles is not legal on any motorway.
- Oh On an autobahn.
Let me point something out to you.
- You're not above the law.
Understand? - I never said I was! - You're not a copper, either! - All right.
Pisses me off.
Oh, it's my sister Gill! Gill, this is the documentary crew I told you about.
- What's going on? - I told you they were coming.
- Why are you dressed like that? - Going out.
Come with us.
How can I, Kim? My days are over for that sort of thing.
No, no, I've got to get up early.
I'm sorry.
- Who does he think he is? - It's just Driving around in cars like that.
He pretends he's a copper.
No.
It's just his personal taste, sir.
That's all.
Brash is what it is.
Come on! Get going! You can do it! - Go on, go on, go on! - All right! - Have a drink! - Is that the bottle I bought? You just help yourselves (!) It's not bad, is it? It's nice.
- Some more? - Sorry.
- You been busy today, Gill? - Very.
You look like you have an' all.
This is better than what they make me wear at work.
Yeah, it's more subtle than work (!) It's disgusting what they put her through.
- Especially what you wear underneath.
- Yeah.
No, it was beautiful.
It was THE best night of my life.
It was gorgeous.
And, em, thank Thanks.
Mark, do us a favour, mate.
Come on.
Untie us, eh? Come on, mate.
Don't take the piss.
I'm really struggling.
Young people today would never put the work, the hard elbow grease, into something like this.
They'd just put it through a car wash.
It's a taramasalata sort of colour.
- Ray, get it harder.
- Sir, does it look all right to you? - It's blistering.
- Get it off.
Get it off! I've got to get it off! - Oh, please, sir.
Please.
- Come on, Mark.
We're the enemy.
Get it off! Aww Excuse me.
It's half past 12.
You said that I'd be seen at 12.
There's only four people in there.
Sorry, sir.
They've all got appointments.
- They're all emergencies as well.
- I've been passing blood.
- You'll be seen as soon as possible.
- I've passed about a pint or so, I think.
It's burning me back! - Go! Go! Go! - De Sade! De Sade, give us a hand! - See you later, darling! - Good luck, boys, if you go with them.
- I'll read it in the "News of the World" (!) - Give my love to Ricky! Bye! She weren't happy, was she? No.
# Just like Ground Control that spoke to you # I am speaking to you, too # To all acceptable aliens # I pray # That's a new song.
I think it's particularly sad.
I said I'd play you my old hit, didn't I, from '77? I can't really do it on the acoustic, so I'll fire up the biggie, the Marshall.
Well, they've done the X-ray.
They don't think anything's broken.
I'm just waiting for the results.
You have to put a day aside to come to these places.
I should be out fighting crime.
(FIERCE GUITAR) (VOICE DROWNED BY GUITAR) - He's a bit saucy! - Imagine what she'll be like at the club! Mark, you're all right tonight, boy! Come and sit.
Take the weight off.
Come and sit down, love.
- Get in here, lovely boy.
- I don't believe you're doing this! He's so straight when he's at the station! There you go.
Simple.
I don't think I could do that, Sarge.
You just need some positive thinking.
But I suffer a bit from vertigo.
You won't.
Come on, let's go.
Bill, I'll see you up there, OK? Do you like balloons? (RACKET CONTINUES) Is that pretty? Thank you.
I'm a senior Environmental Health officer! I've had a formal complaint about the noise pollution! Tell me who's responsible! I've got to have this stopped! - I'm sorry, sir - It's a claim against insurance.
What the bloody hell?! - What's going on? - Nothing, sir.
- What are you doing? - I'm doing exercises with the A.
R.
T.
, sir.
Is he with you, De Sade? Oh, carry on, then.
Sir? Any chance of coming in? No, you're doing fine.
Just stay there.
- Ray, we've got to get you a shirt.
- Don't worry, sir.
You can't sit around like that all day.
I've got some in my locker that would fit.
I don't want to put you to no trouble, sir.
Oh, my! Oh, it's a big one.
- This is the eighth time! - I know! I'm sick of it.
Serving an order?! Stop him! (BLEEP) - Out of order! - Shut your mouth! He's waking everyone up.
I've got kids.
- You're the only one who complains.
- Are you gonna do something? OW! God! Bye-bye! Bye! I'm gonna have that geezer.
This will muck up my vocals.
- Nasal passages are all smashed.
- Hold your head up.
Shall I keep it up? Yeah? Or down? - No, no.
Up.
- Hang on.
No.
Up.
Oh, God! Stop being a wimp! Get down.
Go down.
- Please can I go home, sir? - Step out.
Come on, Mark.
Please.
Right, come on, girls.
You ready, boys? Ready for your night out? Take the weight off.
You've been working all day.
- Come on, you two.
- Oh, you lovely boy.
Lovely.
Can you get this? He's lost the sleeve of his shirt.
- I used it as a rag.
- Better fix you up with something.
This might do it.
Let's have a look.
- No.
- You haven't got to do this, sir.
It's all right, Ray.
Take it off.
- I'm a bit embarrassed.
- There we go.
Now, that's silk.
- That's silk.
- Lovely.
- No, not - Take it off.
Off, come on.
- No, I've got a beer belly.
- Let's go out.
That's what we should do.
- Have a day on the town.
- Yeah, great.
- Put it on.
- OK.
I'm not doing it.
Can you .
.
go out, please? - This never happened on the job.
- No.
- So you can't claim the sick.
- Keep this quiet.
- Of course.
Your neighbour done it? - Mr Winterbottom? - Would you like to come through? - Who's Mr Winterbottom? - That'sme.
- 'Ere, excuse me, Nurse! I've been here nearly all day.
He's only just come here.
I say # We're just a couple of friends # We travel life's road together # Taking all the bends # Up and down It's the way fate goes # Life throws the punches And I get the blows # See this helium? It makes the balloons float upwards.
Lovely.
- Oh, wonderful, yes.
- And it makes Look.
(SQUEAKY) You speak like that! Marvellous.
# My buddy and I are a couple of gay old chums # If he were Jack Horner I would pull out his plums # We've travelled the world # We're the talk of Syracuse I am the purser # He is the captain We both like to cruise # Hey, get out of my car! You can't do that! That's gravel! Don't! Look! You bastards! I'll sue you! I'll sue this bleedin' department for every penny it hasn't got! # You and I are a close-knit pair of pals # We've got the high life, so # Who needs the gals? # - All right, then.
- Oh, look, he's in.
- He got in.
Look at a bit of that! - It's getting bigger! - He's got a large boom! - I just hope it's safe! I swear that's getting bigger! (SQUEAKY) Doctor, I'm in trouble! # We are amigos, I go where he goes # He goes where I goes, we are amigos # We're just a couple of pals! # Ooooh! # We're a couple of pals! # A couple of pals # Mmmmmm # A couple of pals # The fish need feeding.
It's my job, but if you'd do it I'd be so pleased.
(WIFE) Hold on a minute, darling.
What would you like me to feed the fish? Just the fish food that's on the side.
- Is this the fish food? - Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, he loves all them exotic leaves.
That's fine.
(WIFE) If that's the fish food and they're yours and you love your fish so much and you miss them, why don't you feed them? NO-O-O!! Are you lot coming with us? Hello, darling! Come on! Let's have a night out for those! Charlotte! - Oh, come on! - Get off me! (DRUNK) I need to see a doctor now! I need to see a doctor! Now! Now! (SCREAMS) I want to make this very clear.
You can film the others' home lives, but not mine.
My home life is very sacred to me.
Very private.
Do you understand? (SQUEAKY) Anything you say will be taken down and used in evidence.
You may not say anything, but it might prejudice your case if you do not.
Understand me? All right, let's go! Let's go! Come on, Mark.
Come on! Keep going.
Like a horse.
What are you doing? You were going to drive.
- No, I wasn't.
- You've got the keys.
- I wasn't - You're well over.
- Come on.
- What are you talking about? (ALL YELLING) Listen, you leave her alone! - And you.
- I've done nothing wrong! - Don't you touch her like that! - And you can go as well now.
- We've done nothing wrong! - Shut up! You can't do this to me! I'm a copper! - Phone Mr Beach! - What are you doing? - How did this happen? - He was throttling one of your nurses.
You've got it all on tape, guys.
You've broken his arm in three places.
With all due respect, Doctor, you namby-pamby liberals make me laugh.
I'm a have-a-go hero.
I saved the day.
I've been here, under duress, for seven hours, with my strangulated hernia.
All this goes on, I sort it out What thanks do I get? Keep beating him until he bleeds.
- Sergeant De Sade, I must get this! - Get out! Get out! This is my private life! Get out! Get out! This is (BLEEP) out of order! I did not sign up for this.
- Let me just - No! Get out of it! Please, please, as a mate, don't do that.
Don't do this to me.
- It's my career, mate.
- Hello, lads.
Sir, please, can I go? Yeah, all right.
See you later, Mark.
Don't Please.
It's my career.
- Thanks, sir.
- We're not running.
It's still The red light's on! You're still filming! No! You're still filming! Give me that! Give me that! (SOBBING) - I've got such a headache, Charlotte.
- I feel rough now.
You all right, Veronique? What about Sergeant Ash? He knows me.
I can't let you out until I get hold of him.
- Mr Beach knows who I am.
He'll come.
- Calm down.
It's OK, calm down.
- As soon as we get hold of him, I'll ask.
- Can we get a drink of something? - I'll see what I can do.
- I need to go to the wee.
- Give me five minutes.
I'll come back.
- Oh, please! - Just keep trying Mr Beach.
- I will.
I'll keep trying.
No problem.
(LAUGHTER) - He'd got a bloody nerve! What a cheek! - If only he knew we was Old Bill! - Ray, thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
It's been beautiful.
Call me Jim, just for today.
- Tomorrow's all different.
- Thank you, Jim.
- Coffee? - No, no, no.
- A quick one? - I've got to walk, clear me head.
- This is just a little something for you.
- No! - Go on.
- No, you shouldn't! - I'll leave it there.
- No, no.
- Tomorrow.
Back to - You shouldn't have done that.
.
.
Jim! See you later.
Thanks, sir.
I've got the fish, right? They're safe now.
They're in my care.
I haven't got much water, but if I keep their head below water level it's all right.
Tomorrow I have to find a decent home for them.
I don't even smoke.
# Pals # Mmmmmm # A couple of pals # # Ready or not, here I come # I'm gonna get you! # Ready or not, here I come # I'm gonna get you! # Ready or not, here I come # I'm gonna get you, get you, get you # I'm gonna get you # Get you! # - Night, Sarge.
- Night, Mark.

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