Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Family Leave
1 [music.]
I'm Wolf Blitzer.
This studio is my home.
I'm standing inches from my bed.
Let's go live to the Conservative Political Action Conference, where President Trump is speaking while avoiding eye contact with the breakfast buffet.
[President Trump.]
Good morning, supporters, disgraced sheriffs, spineless pastors, French Nazis, and, of course, schizophrenic YouTubers! People are saying the Republican party lacks integrity, and I say, "Don't you talk about Mitt Romney like that!" Welcome to my endorsement club, Mitt.
You're seated next to Roy Moore and his "nieces.
" As a Mormon, Mitt can't drink coffee, but apparently, he can spit-shine my nipples all the way to the United States Senate! [cheering.]
[man.]
Party of Lincoln! [President Trump.]
But look.
I want to make sure that only mentally stable people can buy a gun that would've single-handedly brought the Roman empire to its knees.
That's why I consulted the top minds near the Mar-A-Lago wet-towel bin three buck-naked guys named Murray.
And Murray, with the second-biggest dong, mentioned that Australia banned big guns, and now it's overrun with scorpions and crocodiles! Not much better.
Speaking of reptiles, NRA sweetheart Wayne LaPierre is here.
Waiter, bring Wayne a wet nap.
He's got blood all over his hands.
Do you know how complicit Wayne LaPierre is? [audience.]
How complicit is he?! [President Trump.]
Wayne LaPierre is so complicit, Poland just made it illegal to talk about him.
Ah, we love Wayne, don't we? Good guy with a tough job.
Devin Nunes! Get him a seltzer, will you? Hurry up, you putz! [music.]
1x04 - Family Leave [Eagle screeches.]
Cool.
[music.]
You know, the mainstream media makes it sound like no women support me.
But did you know that 52% of white women voted for me? That means, between Hillary and Chelsea, I got one of them and 2% of the other.
And here's a white woman who doesn't just make children, she makes jobs for children.
Please welcome America's daughter, Ivanka Trump! [cheers and applause.]
American working women, after far too many years, are finally being judged for what they can do, - not just for their appearance.
- Isn't she beautiful, folks?! Give 'em a twirl, honey! Come on! [cheers and applause.]
And that means more women than ever are getting jobs.
[chuckles.]
Right, ladies? Woot, woot.
That's why programs such as paid family leave are so vital.
- Uh, the end.
- Wow! I don't know what the hell she was talking about, but she looked good doing it, right, folks? [upbeat whistling.]
Three white people on a couch It's "Fox & Friends" Did you see Donald and Ivanka's rally? What a great relationship between those two! I tell you, watching that rally was the best thing that's happened to me since I learned where to put the gas in my car.
No kidding.
I've never been in a more flammable back seat.
Wow! They all really liked it, Daddy.
Yeah, but Kilmeade's the one that matters.
He swallowed two Daytime Emmys.
Jared, can you believe Chelsea Clinton got invited to the Glamour Woman of the Year Awards and I didn't? And the Bush twins got invited to Sheryl Sandberg's Festival of "Leaning.
" WhatTheHell.
com, promo code "bullshit" is going on here? Gee, uh, I can't believe your entire social circle's turning against you just because your dad made eating Taco Bell a subversive act.
Okay.
So my dad said some naughty things about Mexicans.
That doesn't mean I believe those facts.
So, here's what I'm thinking, Ivanka.
You, me, tour bus Ivanka/Donald Road Show.
You know, just sort of bounce back and forth - between Skokie and Charlottesville.
- Uhh I'd love to, but between making the future female and hustling 24/7, I'm booked solid.
- Daddy? - Sorry.
You lost me at "book.
" But I heard enough to know that you don't want to go.
Fine.
More frothed-up mobs for me.
Daddy, do we have to do this in front of everyone? Honey, there are no leaks in this room.
The media only gets quotes from unnamed White House sources.
I filled my Cabinet with nothing but people who have names.
Dad, I'm the only one of your kids you've never had to bail out of SeaWorld jail, so the least you can do is allow me to protect the company I worked so hard to pay other people to create! I love moments like this that bring my 40 years of military service to bear, but I just want to remind you that our intelligence indicates that a Turkish splinter group is trying to obtain a nuclear warhead.
Hey, so long as they don't hit Skokie and Charlottesville, we're good.
[music.]
- Sir? - Sorry.
It's only a jumbo size.
No, sir.
These two what are they doing here? Oh, them? Well, as I'm sure you all know, since you visit IvankaTrump.
com every morning like I ordered, my daughter's busy launching her new line of cowl-neck sweaters.
I hear cowl necks are gonna be hot this year, Mr.
President! Anyway, she's out, they're in.
Just pretend they aren't here.
- Worked for me for 18 years.
- Fine.
Let's begin with the contested territory of Turkestan - What are our options? - I didn't say what the problem was.
We should send in SEAL Team Six! It's too risky, Eric! Those soldiers have families! Well, if we don't do something now, tomorrow, those territorials will be at our goddamn door! What the hell are you two talking about? We're talking about the future of the free world.
We're talking about the land General Washington saw when he crested the Rocky Mountains, the land that inspired him to turn to Lincoln and say, "Holy shit.
Can you believe this shit? This place is dope.
Was that a yak? Did I just invent the word 'yak'?" So I will ask you again are you in or are you out? - I'm in! - McMaster! You just Mr.
President, patch things up with Ivanka.
[Melania.]
Are you staying up to see if Brian Kilmeade eats the cookies and milk you left on the TV? I miss when she and I would go to fancy benefits for whatever progressive cause rich people were paying lip service to that week.
Maybe Ivanka would want to spend more time with you if your views weren't so against hers? You're right.
There comes a time in every presidency when he must choose between the love of his daughter and the satisfaction of making an incendiary nationalist powder keg go kaboom.
It's a choice I must make alone.
Give me till dawn.
[music.]
Tell me what to do.
Tell me how a president balances his family life with his obligation to demonize the margins of society.
I love you, Daddy! [chanting.]
Jews will not replace us! What would you do? [music.]
[insects chirping.]
[birds chirping.]
Melania, I'm going to abandon my previously held beliefs in service of what I want right now.
I'm going to be so progressive that my daughter has to take me back.
Thanks, George.
[music.]
Look, we need ideas to win over women like Ivanka.
So what do women want? Stephen Miller.
To be demeaned and then seduced! To just be friends until things get less crazy for them at work! The thing about women is they have delightfully large feet, and so what they're really looking for is ankle kickstands to make sure they do not fall when walking on the side of windy rivers.
I know I'm only Second Lady Karen Pence, but women just want a paperboy who doesn't look like he swears, Enya on the Discman, and, on the occasional Thursday night, a movie with Richard Gere! Ooh! - Ooh! - Oh, my God! I love Mr.
Gere! - Oh, my God.
- All right.
I'm not gonna let this devolve into another Gere-fest.
Mr.
President, Ivanka passed along a proposal in support of paid family leave.
I would've given it to you, but it only had one picture, and due to its lack of cool spaceships, I chose not to share it.
Mm.
Paid family leave.
Would women want that? Speaking as a woman - Definitely! - They're gonna love it! They'll take what we give them, and they'll like it.
[music.]
President Trump's come out in support of a paid family leave bill.
Working moms shouldn't risk bankruptcy to care for babies.
It's called family values, people.
And you know what the Democrats want? To use babies on Big Wheels to deliver kale smoothies to their ivory-tower loft parties where they're watching TED talks and listening to NPR about how genders are fluid? You got all that right.
And they also want babies to be taken care of - [whispers.]
by the unions.
- Brian, you're awfully quiet over there.
Tell the people your thoughts on paid family leave.
I'm just trying to wrap the old noggin around why we're okay with moms taking Trump's handouts and we call moms who accept other handouts crack-addicted parasites.
[Laughs.]
We'll let you get back to that! After the break, a creationist chef teaches us how to un-kosher beef.
[music.]
We need parents taking care of babies, people.
Am I right? I mean, right now, babies get sick, Mommy and Daddy are at work, baby puts on a hat and coat and hitchhikes to treatment.
No good.
This one's personal for me, folks.
Eric got the sniffles when he was a baby, so I dunked his head in a bucket of Robitussin.
Imagine if I wasn't there.
The world would've been robbed of those beautiful gums! Speaking of beautiful, Ivanka, come on up, honey.
Come on.
Family is the foundation of society.
Without family, there can be no "family" subsection on your e-commerce website.
Applause.
We're reporters, ma'am.
Pretty quiet out there today, Bri.
For a guy without any lips, you sure know how to keep yours sealed.
Sorry, Doocy.
I-It's just I'm having trouble understanding the logic of Trump's bill.
Is it called "paid family leave" because it gives businesses the power to deny employees birth control even after they leave the company? Because I can praise that for days.
Brian, the best way to understand our President isn't through logic it's through faith.
Right.
If the President is doing it, he must be doing it for a reason.
It can't just be random.
[chuckles nervously.]
Because if it is [insects buzzing.]
Guh! Oh, God.
Pull yourself together, Kilmeade! Sir, I don't know how else to say this, [music.]
but a Turkish splinter group has gained control of a fully operational nuclear missile silo.
- Yipes! - If the group detect any resistance, they've vowed to send those birds straight to New York City, Los Angeles, and Colonial Williamsburg for some reason.
Should we send in SEAL Team Six and potentially lose two metropolitan cities and a bunch of butter-churners, or do the unthinkable and launch a preemptive nuclear strike? Uh-huh [chomps.]
Ivanka, you want to take this one? Whoa! Hold on, sir! Let me just remind you the stakes here.
We are about to either stop World War III or cause it.
And the Oscar goes to You could've just said it's kind of important.
How exclusive is Turkish splinter group? Like Soho House or Harvard Club? Mr.
Trump, I've managed to hold my tongue out of respect for the office, but now that we're about to die, I got something I've wanted to say for a long, long time.
You, sir, are without a doubt the single most [man.]
Stand down.
Target neutralized.
[Sighs.]
Everybody, shut up! General Kelly was in the middle of giving me a compliment.
[man.]
And we're out! Back in 30! Ainsley, you wouldn't believe where I saw Brian this morning.
There was lightning and thunder a storm so violent, it was practically Biblical.
And I look over, and there's Bri Guy standing in the middle of the street in his skivvies! - You okay, Bri? - Of course I'm not okay.
Since he won the Republican nomination, we've supported Donald Trump, and he's given us no reason not to.
But then he pushes this paid family leave bill, pulling the ground out from under me and leaving me in a total spiritual free fall! Whoa! Bri! Wear a tie, say prompter, go home that's all you need to think.
[man.]
And we're back in 3, 2 Three white people on a couch It's "Fox & Friends" Good morning! We're still over the Moon for President Trump's new initiative, right, Ainsley? I remember looking across the dance floor, seeing that initiative, and thinking, "I'm gonna marry that boy one day.
" Right, Bri? We love it Where's Brian? Yesterday, I walked through several forbidden doors in my consciousness, where I discovered realms of chaos that I must explore.
Yesterday, I counted myself among the friends.
Today, I am the fox.
The yeas have it.
The Family Leave Act, brought to you by IvankaTrump.
com, the number-one source for brilliant jewels and five-way cardigans, has passed.
217-213! Whoo-hoo! The bill now moves to the Senate, where it faces a steep climb as the majority of senators are threatening to filibuster the mere mention of its name.
But that did not stop the attendees of the first annual Paid Family Leave Act Ball from celebrating the bill's passage through the House.
[Sighs.]
The event costs the taxpayers more than the Paid Family Leave bill itself, the majority of that money going towards the appearance fee for the guest of honor.
Guest of honor, world's largest bag of popcorn! Isn't he beautiful, folks? But the real guest of honor is my dad, [applause.]
who surprised everyone and proved that he's capable of doing a wonderful thing for working moms if it will benefit someone in his immediate family.
[roaring, growling.]
Ted Cruz! Just like that cute little guy from "Alien.
" Paid family leave is a fiscal abomination that I will strangle in its crib until the life fades from its eyes! He's ruining the popcorn! Why hasn't the Secret Service opened fire?! Well, now that I've sufficiently made this entire event about moi, I welcome the security forces to escort me from the premises.
Ted Cruz! Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, da, da-da, do [Ivanka.]
Of course I can take my dad to the Gucci spring line fashion show.
The Paid Family Leave bill's given him a whole new image.
It's given you a new image.
A-And as far as your dad goes, I still can't turn on the TV without seeing someone plead for a Deep State military junta.
Um, I think you've been watching a little bit too much MSNBC.
It was "House Hunters"! A-And you know what? The buyers didn't even pick a house! They just sat around shaking their heads, trying to remember a time when they recognized their own country! - Well, what am I going to tell him? - It's called lying, babe.
Okay? You got to get comfortable with it now, because there's gonna be a lot of it going around these next few months.
So, here's what I'm thinking next for us, Ivanka.
We pass universal healthcare, bring home all the troops, and when it comes to gender, anything goes.
Yes! Uh, that sounds so great.
I'd love to do that.
It's just, unfortunately, I have to go right now.
Well, w-where are you going? Can I come? Can I come? Oh, um, it's just this dumb party hosted by Michael Wolff.
Mark Cuban's gonna be there.
Joe and Mika.
James Comey.
Uh, the Khan family.
Robert Mueller.
Oh, and the Central Park Five.
So not really my scene? It's "Fox & Friends" Good morning! It's "Fox & Friends.
" Just two friends now.
And, well, let's give this the old technical-college try.
So, Ainsley [sighs.]
You got kids? - That's a little personal! - Fair enough.
I'm getting word we have someone on the line.
Bet it's you-know-who.
Hello, Mr.
President.
- Hey.
- Is that you, Brian? That's not my name anymore.
Call me Alpha Centauri.
Brian, get back here before our ratings drop.
Yeah, Bri! And now that you're gone, they're making me do your pelvic-core exercise segment.
You know I'm insecure about my doughy FUPA! I wish you could see this desert.
It's like a million beaches went to the beach.
I've met an armadillo among the sands.
He wants to be my friend.
Brian, how far are you from a doctor? I have to go.
I-I'm going on a date with a cactus.
[click.]
Anyways, when we come back, have we found the next Donald Trump? We'll meet a third grader who blames his asthma on Mexicans.
Bing bing, bong bong, bing bing, bing, bing bang Bing bing bing, bong, bong, bong bing Bing bong, bing bong, bam Bing, bong, bing bong, bing Bong?! [music.]
Hi, Daddy.
How'd you sleep? Good.
Had that dream again where a bird with my father's eyes screams the word "rot" until I claw myself awake.
Sweat straight down to the box spring.
Say, honey, did you end up going to that party last night? I did, I did.
Oh! You would've hated it.
Interesting.
Because SEAL Team Six said you were at some Gucci fashion show, which would be fine if I hadn't just told you I'm in the market for a boxy suit for spring! [Steve Mnuchin.]
Busted! You were the one who sent SEAL Team Six? They completely ruined the show! Do you know they wh-aterboarded Zac Posen then threw him in a black helicopter? Now you know what it's like to wonder where someone is.
You're a monster! If you need me, I'll be in New York, New York.
Fine! If you need me, I'll be polishing off the world's largest bag of popcorn! [doors close.]
While we're all together, uh, none of us knows what we're doing, right? - Oh, yeah, not a clue.
- Keeps me up at night.
- No idea.
- I don't even know where I am.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
[music.]
[cheers and applause.]
Ugh! Look at these two.
Aren't they gorgeous? Give us a twirl, boys.
No, Dad! I got a weird ass! I don't need people looking at it.
Amen! Mine's like an inverted Frisbee! Uh, thanks for inviting us to talk about a cause that we are both extremely passionate about ending the stigma against dudes who have gotten a DUI from a lady cop.
Wait.
I thought we were gonna support a ban on excessively pointy sesame seeds.
Eric! Stop spitting when you talk! I'm gonna spit in your mouth, see how you like it.
And you better not like it! [both spitting.]
Stop it! Just knock it off, you two.
We're not in SeaWorld.
It's "Fox & Friends" Welcome back to "Fox & Friends," whatever the hell that title means anymore.
It's who cares o'clock.
Today, Ainsley's gonna handle the first segment and earn that paycheck of hers, since I've been sweating blood trying to keep this show from flatlining! - Oh, go to hell! - Look at what you're doing to us, Brian! And, by the way, not sure if you were watching, but I got rushed to the hospital after that pelvic-core segment crushed my guts like a memory-foam pillow stuffed in a lunch box.
Oh! And this just in if I sneeze, I die! So, yeah, Brian, we hope you're enjoying your armadillo! 20 past the hour.
When we come back, potholes shaped like Robert E.
Lee.
Great.
First, I lose my daughter.
- Now my favorite show sucks.
- Oh, for fuck's sake! Sir, the Turkish splinter group has stolen another warhead.
We need to act! Let Turkey deal with its shoplifting problem.
My favorite morning show is at stake! Where the hell is Kilmeade?! No saliva in my mouth It's "Alpha Centauri & Friends" It's 135 degrees, and it was a great day for President Sand Dune.
Ain't that right, arma-doocy? [coughing.]
Oh, God! I need water! It's not a mirage! It's Ted Cr-u-uz! Please, tell me that's fresh water! Uh, hmm.
Judges? Enrh! Wrong! Oh! Tough break.
It's just the puddle of sweat that I produce whenever the temperature rises above 58 degrees on the Lord's blessed Fahrenheit scale.
My doctors prescribe twice weekly visits to the desert to wring out my sebaceous glands like washcloths! Same for you, I guess? I realized all I knew was built on a lie, so I decided to cast aside society and wander the desert in search of answers.
If it's solitude you seek, then follow my serpentine friendless path, and you will never be troubled by social obligations again! I contemplate the big questions without worrying I might be invited out for a coffee or a drink or to the funeral of a dear relative! And, sure, it's a lonely life, but on the bright side What was I saying again? I think I should go back to my friends now.
Your best bet is the Greyhound station just over the hill there.
Don't tell them who sent ya! Ah-Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted-ed Cruz That Women for Trump rally was the tits! Here's what I'm thinking, Dad.
You, us, tour bus Trump Boys Road Show.
Hit up every Vineyard Vines location in the country.
I don't know, boys.
Maybe Ivanka was right.
Tour-bus toilets aren't exactly tweet-friendly.
You miss Ivanka, huh? You know, Dad, I learned something all those weeks ago at SeaWorld.
Orcas don't love being in their tank, and they really don't like having soft pretzels jammed into their blowholes.
But more importantly, after growing up in captivity, they can't survive out there on their own.
Just wait, Dad.
Ivanka will get hungry for a nice bucket of fish, and she'll be back.
[scoffs.]
Filthy bum! Go back to hell! Hey! Hey! [gasps.]
Brian Kilmeade? It's me, IvankaTrump.
com.
- What's going on? - I was trying to get back to the Fox News building, but I ran out of money.
Only had enough to get from Texas to here.
I could desperately use some bus fare for those - last nine blocks.
- Yeah No.
Anyway what are you doing here? I'm tired of being trapped in my father's orbit, so I'm going to spin off and move to Trump Tower, New York, or maybe Trump Tower, Chicago.
Or go to a different galaxy entirely, like Trump Tower, Toronto.
Ivanka, I know it's tempting to forge your own path, but before long, you will be holding conversation with the rotting carcass of an armadillo and realize that your path is a lonely one.
Soon, you'll just want to return home to those who love you.
[music.]
Seriously, though, can you loan me like 80 cents? I'm so close.
Three white people on a couch It's "Fox & Friends" It's with a heavy heart that Ainsley and I announce that this will be our last "Fox & Friends.
" But don't worry.
This won't be the last time you see us, assuming you watch hit Hollywood movies! That's right.
Me and Ainsley got ourselves a North Hollywood sublet, where we'll take each other's headshot and try our hand at the old actor/Uber driver game.
We're really doing it! # We're going to be famous # I'm already writing my Oscar speech! Don't forget to thank your old friend Brian Kilmeade - Brian! - Brian! Momentarily, sir, we will write the history of humanity, because once again, the Turkish splinter group, and God bless them, has gained control of a completely different fully operational nuclear missile silo.
SEAL Team Six, who at first just assumed they'd received a duplicate e-mail, is now off the coast, within striking distance.
- Hello, Daddy! - God damn it! I shouldn't have left, Daddy! I'm sorry I lied to you about the fashion show.
Baby, I was wrong.
I should've given you your space.
Yes, I wanted some space.
But once I got some, I realized I will always be a subsidiary of the Trump organization.
- Sir! We need your permission to launch.
- I love you, sweetie.
Gentlemen, the President is incapacitated, and I'll go out on a limb here and say Vice President Pence would be okay with us killing Turkish people.
- It's "kill everyone" time.
- An invitation for the Met Gala? - But how did you do it?! - Don't worry about it.
But if anyone asks, your name is Zac Posen.
Why, thank you, Daddy.
And I got you something, too.
Good morning! [music.]
It's a beautiful day here at "Fox & Friends.
" Holy shit! Brian's back! I went looking for some truth, but if there was any truth out there, I couldn't see it.
You see, I've had no formal or informal education.
I was found in a barn loft when I was 32 years old.
Whenever I take off a scarf, I'm always a little worried that my head will fall off.
But I learned that sometimes you have to test your faith to find out how strong it can be.
[voice breaking.]
Good morning, Mr.
President.
I'm so happy to be here.
I love you! I love you, too, Brian.
Jared! We're going to be late for the Met Gala! [Jared.]
Oh, no! Wouldn't want to miss the chance of getting booed on the red carpet! [music.]
[woman.]
The theme of tonight's Met Gala is Fashion and the Catholic Imagination.
And Rihanna is looking stunning covered in a swarm of live locusts by Alexander Wang! Hey! Wh-What are you doing here?! You're supposed to be in the TV! Oh, Daddy, it's great that you got me in, [music.]
but I'd rather spend time with you.
Also, my nanny asked to be paid while she cared for her sick kid.
[laughs.]
What? So I fired her.
Jesus.
What kind of moron expects to be paid for not working? I know, right? It's crazy.
What's the nanny's name? I'll attack her in the press.
Daddy, you spoil me.
Here.
I'll write it down for you.
I literally can't pronounce it.
['80s-style pop music plays.]
# Donald Trump is the president # Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did that Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president [vocalizing.]
# Yeah # Trump!
I'm Wolf Blitzer.
This studio is my home.
I'm standing inches from my bed.
Let's go live to the Conservative Political Action Conference, where President Trump is speaking while avoiding eye contact with the breakfast buffet.
[President Trump.]
Good morning, supporters, disgraced sheriffs, spineless pastors, French Nazis, and, of course, schizophrenic YouTubers! People are saying the Republican party lacks integrity, and I say, "Don't you talk about Mitt Romney like that!" Welcome to my endorsement club, Mitt.
You're seated next to Roy Moore and his "nieces.
" As a Mormon, Mitt can't drink coffee, but apparently, he can spit-shine my nipples all the way to the United States Senate! [cheering.]
[man.]
Party of Lincoln! [President Trump.]
But look.
I want to make sure that only mentally stable people can buy a gun that would've single-handedly brought the Roman empire to its knees.
That's why I consulted the top minds near the Mar-A-Lago wet-towel bin three buck-naked guys named Murray.
And Murray, with the second-biggest dong, mentioned that Australia banned big guns, and now it's overrun with scorpions and crocodiles! Not much better.
Speaking of reptiles, NRA sweetheart Wayne LaPierre is here.
Waiter, bring Wayne a wet nap.
He's got blood all over his hands.
Do you know how complicit Wayne LaPierre is? [audience.]
How complicit is he?! [President Trump.]
Wayne LaPierre is so complicit, Poland just made it illegal to talk about him.
Ah, we love Wayne, don't we? Good guy with a tough job.
Devin Nunes! Get him a seltzer, will you? Hurry up, you putz! [music.]
1x04 - Family Leave [Eagle screeches.]
Cool.
[music.]
You know, the mainstream media makes it sound like no women support me.
But did you know that 52% of white women voted for me? That means, between Hillary and Chelsea, I got one of them and 2% of the other.
And here's a white woman who doesn't just make children, she makes jobs for children.
Please welcome America's daughter, Ivanka Trump! [cheers and applause.]
American working women, after far too many years, are finally being judged for what they can do, - not just for their appearance.
- Isn't she beautiful, folks?! Give 'em a twirl, honey! Come on! [cheers and applause.]
And that means more women than ever are getting jobs.
[chuckles.]
Right, ladies? Woot, woot.
That's why programs such as paid family leave are so vital.
- Uh, the end.
- Wow! I don't know what the hell she was talking about, but she looked good doing it, right, folks? [upbeat whistling.]
Three white people on a couch It's "Fox & Friends" Did you see Donald and Ivanka's rally? What a great relationship between those two! I tell you, watching that rally was the best thing that's happened to me since I learned where to put the gas in my car.
No kidding.
I've never been in a more flammable back seat.
Wow! They all really liked it, Daddy.
Yeah, but Kilmeade's the one that matters.
He swallowed two Daytime Emmys.
Jared, can you believe Chelsea Clinton got invited to the Glamour Woman of the Year Awards and I didn't? And the Bush twins got invited to Sheryl Sandberg's Festival of "Leaning.
" WhatTheHell.
com, promo code "bullshit" is going on here? Gee, uh, I can't believe your entire social circle's turning against you just because your dad made eating Taco Bell a subversive act.
Okay.
So my dad said some naughty things about Mexicans.
That doesn't mean I believe those facts.
So, here's what I'm thinking, Ivanka.
You, me, tour bus Ivanka/Donald Road Show.
You know, just sort of bounce back and forth - between Skokie and Charlottesville.
- Uhh I'd love to, but between making the future female and hustling 24/7, I'm booked solid.
- Daddy? - Sorry.
You lost me at "book.
" But I heard enough to know that you don't want to go.
Fine.
More frothed-up mobs for me.
Daddy, do we have to do this in front of everyone? Honey, there are no leaks in this room.
The media only gets quotes from unnamed White House sources.
I filled my Cabinet with nothing but people who have names.
Dad, I'm the only one of your kids you've never had to bail out of SeaWorld jail, so the least you can do is allow me to protect the company I worked so hard to pay other people to create! I love moments like this that bring my 40 years of military service to bear, but I just want to remind you that our intelligence indicates that a Turkish splinter group is trying to obtain a nuclear warhead.
Hey, so long as they don't hit Skokie and Charlottesville, we're good.
[music.]
- Sir? - Sorry.
It's only a jumbo size.
No, sir.
These two what are they doing here? Oh, them? Well, as I'm sure you all know, since you visit IvankaTrump.
com every morning like I ordered, my daughter's busy launching her new line of cowl-neck sweaters.
I hear cowl necks are gonna be hot this year, Mr.
President! Anyway, she's out, they're in.
Just pretend they aren't here.
- Worked for me for 18 years.
- Fine.
Let's begin with the contested territory of Turkestan - What are our options? - I didn't say what the problem was.
We should send in SEAL Team Six! It's too risky, Eric! Those soldiers have families! Well, if we don't do something now, tomorrow, those territorials will be at our goddamn door! What the hell are you two talking about? We're talking about the future of the free world.
We're talking about the land General Washington saw when he crested the Rocky Mountains, the land that inspired him to turn to Lincoln and say, "Holy shit.
Can you believe this shit? This place is dope.
Was that a yak? Did I just invent the word 'yak'?" So I will ask you again are you in or are you out? - I'm in! - McMaster! You just Mr.
President, patch things up with Ivanka.
[Melania.]
Are you staying up to see if Brian Kilmeade eats the cookies and milk you left on the TV? I miss when she and I would go to fancy benefits for whatever progressive cause rich people were paying lip service to that week.
Maybe Ivanka would want to spend more time with you if your views weren't so against hers? You're right.
There comes a time in every presidency when he must choose between the love of his daughter and the satisfaction of making an incendiary nationalist powder keg go kaboom.
It's a choice I must make alone.
Give me till dawn.
[music.]
Tell me what to do.
Tell me how a president balances his family life with his obligation to demonize the margins of society.
I love you, Daddy! [chanting.]
Jews will not replace us! What would you do? [music.]
[insects chirping.]
[birds chirping.]
Melania, I'm going to abandon my previously held beliefs in service of what I want right now.
I'm going to be so progressive that my daughter has to take me back.
Thanks, George.
[music.]
Look, we need ideas to win over women like Ivanka.
So what do women want? Stephen Miller.
To be demeaned and then seduced! To just be friends until things get less crazy for them at work! The thing about women is they have delightfully large feet, and so what they're really looking for is ankle kickstands to make sure they do not fall when walking on the side of windy rivers.
I know I'm only Second Lady Karen Pence, but women just want a paperboy who doesn't look like he swears, Enya on the Discman, and, on the occasional Thursday night, a movie with Richard Gere! Ooh! - Ooh! - Oh, my God! I love Mr.
Gere! - Oh, my God.
- All right.
I'm not gonna let this devolve into another Gere-fest.
Mr.
President, Ivanka passed along a proposal in support of paid family leave.
I would've given it to you, but it only had one picture, and due to its lack of cool spaceships, I chose not to share it.
Mm.
Paid family leave.
Would women want that? Speaking as a woman - Definitely! - They're gonna love it! They'll take what we give them, and they'll like it.
[music.]
President Trump's come out in support of a paid family leave bill.
Working moms shouldn't risk bankruptcy to care for babies.
It's called family values, people.
And you know what the Democrats want? To use babies on Big Wheels to deliver kale smoothies to their ivory-tower loft parties where they're watching TED talks and listening to NPR about how genders are fluid? You got all that right.
And they also want babies to be taken care of - [whispers.]
by the unions.
- Brian, you're awfully quiet over there.
Tell the people your thoughts on paid family leave.
I'm just trying to wrap the old noggin around why we're okay with moms taking Trump's handouts and we call moms who accept other handouts crack-addicted parasites.
[Laughs.]
We'll let you get back to that! After the break, a creationist chef teaches us how to un-kosher beef.
[music.]
We need parents taking care of babies, people.
Am I right? I mean, right now, babies get sick, Mommy and Daddy are at work, baby puts on a hat and coat and hitchhikes to treatment.
No good.
This one's personal for me, folks.
Eric got the sniffles when he was a baby, so I dunked his head in a bucket of Robitussin.
Imagine if I wasn't there.
The world would've been robbed of those beautiful gums! Speaking of beautiful, Ivanka, come on up, honey.
Come on.
Family is the foundation of society.
Without family, there can be no "family" subsection on your e-commerce website.
Applause.
We're reporters, ma'am.
Pretty quiet out there today, Bri.
For a guy without any lips, you sure know how to keep yours sealed.
Sorry, Doocy.
I-It's just I'm having trouble understanding the logic of Trump's bill.
Is it called "paid family leave" because it gives businesses the power to deny employees birth control even after they leave the company? Because I can praise that for days.
Brian, the best way to understand our President isn't through logic it's through faith.
Right.
If the President is doing it, he must be doing it for a reason.
It can't just be random.
[chuckles nervously.]
Because if it is [insects buzzing.]
Guh! Oh, God.
Pull yourself together, Kilmeade! Sir, I don't know how else to say this, [music.]
but a Turkish splinter group has gained control of a fully operational nuclear missile silo.
- Yipes! - If the group detect any resistance, they've vowed to send those birds straight to New York City, Los Angeles, and Colonial Williamsburg for some reason.
Should we send in SEAL Team Six and potentially lose two metropolitan cities and a bunch of butter-churners, or do the unthinkable and launch a preemptive nuclear strike? Uh-huh [chomps.]
Ivanka, you want to take this one? Whoa! Hold on, sir! Let me just remind you the stakes here.
We are about to either stop World War III or cause it.
And the Oscar goes to You could've just said it's kind of important.
How exclusive is Turkish splinter group? Like Soho House or Harvard Club? Mr.
Trump, I've managed to hold my tongue out of respect for the office, but now that we're about to die, I got something I've wanted to say for a long, long time.
You, sir, are without a doubt the single most [man.]
Stand down.
Target neutralized.
[Sighs.]
Everybody, shut up! General Kelly was in the middle of giving me a compliment.
[man.]
And we're out! Back in 30! Ainsley, you wouldn't believe where I saw Brian this morning.
There was lightning and thunder a storm so violent, it was practically Biblical.
And I look over, and there's Bri Guy standing in the middle of the street in his skivvies! - You okay, Bri? - Of course I'm not okay.
Since he won the Republican nomination, we've supported Donald Trump, and he's given us no reason not to.
But then he pushes this paid family leave bill, pulling the ground out from under me and leaving me in a total spiritual free fall! Whoa! Bri! Wear a tie, say prompter, go home that's all you need to think.
[man.]
And we're back in 3, 2 Three white people on a couch It's "Fox & Friends" Good morning! We're still over the Moon for President Trump's new initiative, right, Ainsley? I remember looking across the dance floor, seeing that initiative, and thinking, "I'm gonna marry that boy one day.
" Right, Bri? We love it Where's Brian? Yesterday, I walked through several forbidden doors in my consciousness, where I discovered realms of chaos that I must explore.
Yesterday, I counted myself among the friends.
Today, I am the fox.
The yeas have it.
The Family Leave Act, brought to you by IvankaTrump.
com, the number-one source for brilliant jewels and five-way cardigans, has passed.
217-213! Whoo-hoo! The bill now moves to the Senate, where it faces a steep climb as the majority of senators are threatening to filibuster the mere mention of its name.
But that did not stop the attendees of the first annual Paid Family Leave Act Ball from celebrating the bill's passage through the House.
[Sighs.]
The event costs the taxpayers more than the Paid Family Leave bill itself, the majority of that money going towards the appearance fee for the guest of honor.
Guest of honor, world's largest bag of popcorn! Isn't he beautiful, folks? But the real guest of honor is my dad, [applause.]
who surprised everyone and proved that he's capable of doing a wonderful thing for working moms if it will benefit someone in his immediate family.
[roaring, growling.]
Ted Cruz! Just like that cute little guy from "Alien.
" Paid family leave is a fiscal abomination that I will strangle in its crib until the life fades from its eyes! He's ruining the popcorn! Why hasn't the Secret Service opened fire?! Well, now that I've sufficiently made this entire event about moi, I welcome the security forces to escort me from the premises.
Ted Cruz! Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, da, da-da, do [Ivanka.]
Of course I can take my dad to the Gucci spring line fashion show.
The Paid Family Leave bill's given him a whole new image.
It's given you a new image.
A-And as far as your dad goes, I still can't turn on the TV without seeing someone plead for a Deep State military junta.
Um, I think you've been watching a little bit too much MSNBC.
It was "House Hunters"! A-And you know what? The buyers didn't even pick a house! They just sat around shaking their heads, trying to remember a time when they recognized their own country! - Well, what am I going to tell him? - It's called lying, babe.
Okay? You got to get comfortable with it now, because there's gonna be a lot of it going around these next few months.
So, here's what I'm thinking next for us, Ivanka.
We pass universal healthcare, bring home all the troops, and when it comes to gender, anything goes.
Yes! Uh, that sounds so great.
I'd love to do that.
It's just, unfortunately, I have to go right now.
Well, w-where are you going? Can I come? Can I come? Oh, um, it's just this dumb party hosted by Michael Wolff.
Mark Cuban's gonna be there.
Joe and Mika.
James Comey.
Uh, the Khan family.
Robert Mueller.
Oh, and the Central Park Five.
So not really my scene? It's "Fox & Friends" Good morning! It's "Fox & Friends.
" Just two friends now.
And, well, let's give this the old technical-college try.
So, Ainsley [sighs.]
You got kids? - That's a little personal! - Fair enough.
I'm getting word we have someone on the line.
Bet it's you-know-who.
Hello, Mr.
President.
- Hey.
- Is that you, Brian? That's not my name anymore.
Call me Alpha Centauri.
Brian, get back here before our ratings drop.
Yeah, Bri! And now that you're gone, they're making me do your pelvic-core exercise segment.
You know I'm insecure about my doughy FUPA! I wish you could see this desert.
It's like a million beaches went to the beach.
I've met an armadillo among the sands.
He wants to be my friend.
Brian, how far are you from a doctor? I have to go.
I-I'm going on a date with a cactus.
[click.]
Anyways, when we come back, have we found the next Donald Trump? We'll meet a third grader who blames his asthma on Mexicans.
Bing bing, bong bong, bing bing, bing, bing bang Bing bing bing, bong, bong, bong bing Bing bong, bing bong, bam Bing, bong, bing bong, bing Bong?! [music.]
Hi, Daddy.
How'd you sleep? Good.
Had that dream again where a bird with my father's eyes screams the word "rot" until I claw myself awake.
Sweat straight down to the box spring.
Say, honey, did you end up going to that party last night? I did, I did.
Oh! You would've hated it.
Interesting.
Because SEAL Team Six said you were at some Gucci fashion show, which would be fine if I hadn't just told you I'm in the market for a boxy suit for spring! [Steve Mnuchin.]
Busted! You were the one who sent SEAL Team Six? They completely ruined the show! Do you know they wh-aterboarded Zac Posen then threw him in a black helicopter? Now you know what it's like to wonder where someone is.
You're a monster! If you need me, I'll be in New York, New York.
Fine! If you need me, I'll be polishing off the world's largest bag of popcorn! [doors close.]
While we're all together, uh, none of us knows what we're doing, right? - Oh, yeah, not a clue.
- Keeps me up at night.
- No idea.
- I don't even know where I am.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
[music.]
[cheers and applause.]
Ugh! Look at these two.
Aren't they gorgeous? Give us a twirl, boys.
No, Dad! I got a weird ass! I don't need people looking at it.
Amen! Mine's like an inverted Frisbee! Uh, thanks for inviting us to talk about a cause that we are both extremely passionate about ending the stigma against dudes who have gotten a DUI from a lady cop.
Wait.
I thought we were gonna support a ban on excessively pointy sesame seeds.
Eric! Stop spitting when you talk! I'm gonna spit in your mouth, see how you like it.
And you better not like it! [both spitting.]
Stop it! Just knock it off, you two.
We're not in SeaWorld.
It's "Fox & Friends" Welcome back to "Fox & Friends," whatever the hell that title means anymore.
It's who cares o'clock.
Today, Ainsley's gonna handle the first segment and earn that paycheck of hers, since I've been sweating blood trying to keep this show from flatlining! - Oh, go to hell! - Look at what you're doing to us, Brian! And, by the way, not sure if you were watching, but I got rushed to the hospital after that pelvic-core segment crushed my guts like a memory-foam pillow stuffed in a lunch box.
Oh! And this just in if I sneeze, I die! So, yeah, Brian, we hope you're enjoying your armadillo! 20 past the hour.
When we come back, potholes shaped like Robert E.
Lee.
Great.
First, I lose my daughter.
- Now my favorite show sucks.
- Oh, for fuck's sake! Sir, the Turkish splinter group has stolen another warhead.
We need to act! Let Turkey deal with its shoplifting problem.
My favorite morning show is at stake! Where the hell is Kilmeade?! No saliva in my mouth It's "Alpha Centauri & Friends" It's 135 degrees, and it was a great day for President Sand Dune.
Ain't that right, arma-doocy? [coughing.]
Oh, God! I need water! It's not a mirage! It's Ted Cr-u-uz! Please, tell me that's fresh water! Uh, hmm.
Judges? Enrh! Wrong! Oh! Tough break.
It's just the puddle of sweat that I produce whenever the temperature rises above 58 degrees on the Lord's blessed Fahrenheit scale.
My doctors prescribe twice weekly visits to the desert to wring out my sebaceous glands like washcloths! Same for you, I guess? I realized all I knew was built on a lie, so I decided to cast aside society and wander the desert in search of answers.
If it's solitude you seek, then follow my serpentine friendless path, and you will never be troubled by social obligations again! I contemplate the big questions without worrying I might be invited out for a coffee or a drink or to the funeral of a dear relative! And, sure, it's a lonely life, but on the bright side What was I saying again? I think I should go back to my friends now.
Your best bet is the Greyhound station just over the hill there.
Don't tell them who sent ya! Ah-Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted-ed Cruz That Women for Trump rally was the tits! Here's what I'm thinking, Dad.
You, us, tour bus Trump Boys Road Show.
Hit up every Vineyard Vines location in the country.
I don't know, boys.
Maybe Ivanka was right.
Tour-bus toilets aren't exactly tweet-friendly.
You miss Ivanka, huh? You know, Dad, I learned something all those weeks ago at SeaWorld.
Orcas don't love being in their tank, and they really don't like having soft pretzels jammed into their blowholes.
But more importantly, after growing up in captivity, they can't survive out there on their own.
Just wait, Dad.
Ivanka will get hungry for a nice bucket of fish, and she'll be back.
[scoffs.]
Filthy bum! Go back to hell! Hey! Hey! [gasps.]
Brian Kilmeade? It's me, IvankaTrump.
com.
- What's going on? - I was trying to get back to the Fox News building, but I ran out of money.
Only had enough to get from Texas to here.
I could desperately use some bus fare for those - last nine blocks.
- Yeah No.
Anyway what are you doing here? I'm tired of being trapped in my father's orbit, so I'm going to spin off and move to Trump Tower, New York, or maybe Trump Tower, Chicago.
Or go to a different galaxy entirely, like Trump Tower, Toronto.
Ivanka, I know it's tempting to forge your own path, but before long, you will be holding conversation with the rotting carcass of an armadillo and realize that your path is a lonely one.
Soon, you'll just want to return home to those who love you.
[music.]
Seriously, though, can you loan me like 80 cents? I'm so close.
Three white people on a couch It's "Fox & Friends" It's with a heavy heart that Ainsley and I announce that this will be our last "Fox & Friends.
" But don't worry.
This won't be the last time you see us, assuming you watch hit Hollywood movies! That's right.
Me and Ainsley got ourselves a North Hollywood sublet, where we'll take each other's headshot and try our hand at the old actor/Uber driver game.
We're really doing it! # We're going to be famous # I'm already writing my Oscar speech! Don't forget to thank your old friend Brian Kilmeade - Brian! - Brian! Momentarily, sir, we will write the history of humanity, because once again, the Turkish splinter group, and God bless them, has gained control of a completely different fully operational nuclear missile silo.
SEAL Team Six, who at first just assumed they'd received a duplicate e-mail, is now off the coast, within striking distance.
- Hello, Daddy! - God damn it! I shouldn't have left, Daddy! I'm sorry I lied to you about the fashion show.
Baby, I was wrong.
I should've given you your space.
Yes, I wanted some space.
But once I got some, I realized I will always be a subsidiary of the Trump organization.
- Sir! We need your permission to launch.
- I love you, sweetie.
Gentlemen, the President is incapacitated, and I'll go out on a limb here and say Vice President Pence would be okay with us killing Turkish people.
- It's "kill everyone" time.
- An invitation for the Met Gala? - But how did you do it?! - Don't worry about it.
But if anyone asks, your name is Zac Posen.
Why, thank you, Daddy.
And I got you something, too.
Good morning! [music.]
It's a beautiful day here at "Fox & Friends.
" Holy shit! Brian's back! I went looking for some truth, but if there was any truth out there, I couldn't see it.
You see, I've had no formal or informal education.
I was found in a barn loft when I was 32 years old.
Whenever I take off a scarf, I'm always a little worried that my head will fall off.
But I learned that sometimes you have to test your faith to find out how strong it can be.
[voice breaking.]
Good morning, Mr.
President.
I'm so happy to be here.
I love you! I love you, too, Brian.
Jared! We're going to be late for the Met Gala! [Jared.]
Oh, no! Wouldn't want to miss the chance of getting booed on the red carpet! [music.]
[woman.]
The theme of tonight's Met Gala is Fashion and the Catholic Imagination.
And Rihanna is looking stunning covered in a swarm of live locusts by Alexander Wang! Hey! Wh-What are you doing here?! You're supposed to be in the TV! Oh, Daddy, it's great that you got me in, [music.]
but I'd rather spend time with you.
Also, my nanny asked to be paid while she cared for her sick kid.
[laughs.]
What? So I fired her.
Jesus.
What kind of moron expects to be paid for not working? I know, right? It's crazy.
What's the nanny's name? I'll attack her in the press.
Daddy, you spoil me.
Here.
I'll write it down for you.
I literally can't pronounce it.
['80s-style pop music plays.]
# Donald Trump is the president # Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did that Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president [vocalizing.]
# Yeah # Trump!