Out There (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

"Springoween" Ah, springtime.
Birds, flowers, the blossoming of life.
And this year, Halloween.
Old man winter shit on our real Halloween.
He shit a phenomenal six feet of powder in 16 hours.
And since 14 is the socially acceptable cutoff age for trick-or-treating, that was to be my last year ever.
It's a bust.
And I got screwed.
Luckily, the Holford City Council decided to move the holiday to spring this year.
I was now technically too old, so I had to make this one count.
The death knell of childhood was being tolled, and I planned to ignore it.
Happy Springoween, boys! And I dreamt my name was Zwordzo, the dream child.
- What the hell is that? - It's my costume.
"The moon is nigh, my boy.
" Dude, we talked about this.
We're 15 now.
The era of trick-or-treating has passed.
It's over.
Done.
Well, screw that.
I got gypped out of my last Halloween.
The universe owes me this.
The universe made you old, Chad.
This is our first adult Halloween.
And as such, we are attending an adult Halloween party at Dave Davidson's house like we planned.
Come on.
That's gonna suck.
Dave knows all the same people we do.
Not true.
He's got cousins coming in from Dewey.
Female cousins and their friends.
I'm talking girls, Chad the candy that kisses back.
Look, I want to end on a high note a worthy finale to an admirable trick-or-treat tenure.
Besides, I told my parents I'd chaperone Jay and his friends.
Man, I can't believe you're bailing on me.
What the hell are you supposed to be anyways? Zwordzo, the dream child.
I dreamt it.
Well, we'll see whose dreams really come true tonight.
Have fun collecting raisins with the dilly diaper gang, Zippo.
It's Zwordzo! Well, I just love this.
We should have a Springoween every year.
Here, come try my ghoulish goulash.
Hmm.
Needs a little more spice.
Now, Wayne, let's not get too crazy.
Oh, look at you two! Well, my goodness, Jay, what are you? I'm a Terrible Fish Boy.
I super-glued my fingers together.
Fins.
Ooh, I love it! I need a picture of my little ghouls.
Okay, gather round.
Okay.
We've got the Fogliano mansion out east.
I say we start there and use the sugar rush to drive us out west to the lowlands.
The houses there are so densely packed, you can ring two doorbells at once.
Well, aren't you toddlers cute.
Oh.
I thought you were going to your "adult" party.
On my way, Chad-o.
Just wanted to give you one more chance to play with the big boys.
He's gonna get me! Johnny Slade.
He almost nabbed me.
- Oh, man, Johnny Slade?! On the loose? - Holy Mary, mother of God.
Seriously? - Oh, no! - Who's Johnny Slade? That freaky kid.
He lives down in Devil's Tunnel and feeds on innocent children.
I heard he collects the juiciest ones on Halloween to feast through the winter.
But, you guys, Halloween was postponed this year.
He must be really ticked.
And really hungry.
Come on, guys, don't let Slade spoil our night.
We've got candy to procure.
Screw that! I'm going home! - Trick or treat! - Trick or treat! Oh, my.
A carrot, a clown, a monster and, uh What exactly are you? - I'm Zword - He's 15 years old.
Oh, dear.
You do know that's far too old for trick-or-treating.
Ha! That's what I've been telling him all day! Come on, plenty to go around.
Well, no.
Actually, every year, I ship a box of excess candy to African children who've never tasted a Whizz-whuzz or a Hula-Hula bar, so Good night, young men.
Sometimes the passage of time is so gradual, so subtle, you don't notice your childhood slipping away.
Other times, some prick slams a door, and you know it's gone.
Let it go, dude.
Your time's up.
But I Ah, man, I can't believe it's over.
Carry on, tykes.
We've got business to tend to.
Come on, Chad.
Come with us.
What about Johnny Slade? You'll be all right, Jaybird.
Just stick together.
Slade targets singles, not groups.
Well, I guess we should go to this party.
You guess we should? We shall! Do I need to slap some aplomb into you, son? And lose the costume, man.
There's gonna be girls there.
Wayne, people will be here any minute.
Get your costume on.
All right, just conjuring up a little concoction.
Oh, did I tell you I invited Joanie and Terry? Ugh! For Christ's sake! Rosachristas? Really?! Eh, place is filled with mosquitoes.
I tell you, I am ready to cut - Eeh! - loose tonight.
Yeah! Time to don the bullshit cap and glad-hand a bunch of lifeless nothings.
Yee! Yow! Damn winged devils! This is it.
Welcome to your future, Chad.
It's time to unleash the party animal within! I don't hear anything.
Yes? Oh, hey, um - Hey, guys.
- Where is everybody? Party canceled.
Uh Allergies got the best of me, my friends.
Every spring, hay fever kicks my ass.
What the hell, dude?! Sorry, man.
I just I just Geez, Dave.
I'm having quite a lot of trouble breathing.
- You don't understand.
- Thanks for nothing, Dave.
Come on, Chad.
We got to scare us up another party.
No, it's Chris Novak.
From kindergarten? Listen, I'm looking to party if you Hello? Damn it! You know, my parents are throwing a party.
A parents party? What do you need, some stock tips? Oh! Wait! That's our ticket - right there.
- I can't wait to get wasted.
- A Corey Speewell party? - Hurry up with that.
But we don't drink.
We'll pretend like we do.
Gain their trust.
Like a gorilla in the mist, be one of them, so they don't snap your neck.
Just follow my lead.
Dude, check out the wastoids.
Excuse me, my fellow partiers but we've been drunk all day.
We want to keep it that way.
- Maybe we join you? - We're so wasted.
Dude, these guys are way too wasted.
Let's get out of here.
Wait! Wait! We're not that wasted! Please! Come back! We just want to party! The face of teenagehood is freckled with hell.
I thought desire trumped age, but no.
We were in the oblivion, the limbo, the void of Springoween.
Chris, get up.
Look.
Huh.
Henrietta Miller.
Hey, boys.
I heard you were looking for a party? - Party? - Yeah.
Do you know about the one at the graveyard? All the boys are dressing as girls, and all the girls are dressing as boys.
- You should totally come.
- Uh, totally.
Perfect.
Meet you at the cemetery gates in one hour.
The gods of Springoween have smiled upon us! - I say, good heavens.
- So, let me get this straight.
I was a child for dressing in a costume to go trick-or-treating, but I'm an adult for dressing in a costume to go to a party? Exactly.
And you look delightful, sugar! Mmm! I do declare! So what will the girls be expecting from us at this party? Hugging, hand-holding, massages? - What if we get mono? - It'll be worth it.
Does this look right to you? Sounds like a party to me.
Whoo! Hey, boys.
- Eh, what's up, Docula? - Aah! Terry.
- Whoa, what happened to your head? - Ah, it's a bug bite.
It's throbbing.
Need to numb the pain.
That's nice.
Here we go.
Oh, Herman, that's a wonderful idea.
I haven't seen one of those in years.
No.
Dear God, no.
- What are we doing? - Talking with the dead.
Cool.
Pill me again.
Spirits, are you here? Can you hear me? Aah, aah, aah, aah, what?! Whoa, that's a real bad thing they're doing right there.
- Dark magic.
- Right? Dead right.
Tomorrow morning, man, blood comes out of all the power outlets.
You look down into the sink, and an eye looks back.
And the wires in the walls, man they're veins.
The front door a giant mouth, man.
Chew you up and spit you out onto the front lawn.
It's terrible man, what's being unleashed! Terrible! Okay, let's do a shot.
Hey, Jay, I'll trade you three Waboinks for two Chim-chums.
In your dreams, Larry.
- Slade! - Slade! - Run, run, run, run! - He's going to get us! - Wait.
Where'd she go? - You hear the party anymore? No.
Maybe they're taking a break.
Hey, maybe he'll know what's going on.
Excuse me, sir, do you Whoa! I'm gonna get you.
Aah! - What's going on, man? - The curse of Springoween.
Come on, boys, we just want to jab at you a little bit.
See what's inside.
- This is the end of the line for us.
- I- I know.
- I love you, buddy.
- I love you, too.
So much, man.
Are you peeing? - Yes.
- Me, too.
Boys, boys, boys.
I could not have asked for a better reaction.
Oh, what a sweet song you sing, my little siren.
- What? - You've been Royaled, boys! Smells like fear.
And piss.
- So, there's no party? - Oh, there's a party.
You're just not invited.
Big bash at my dad's meat plant.
And thanks to you two wussies, I've got the main attraction.
Happy Springoween, ladies.
- Why'd he come? - No spirits.
I- I mean, it's it's my house.
Haunted house now, man.
You know what? That's it, I'm stopping it.
My party, fat man.
- My party.
- Wayne No, no, no, don't, don't, don't.
Wayne, stop it.
Don't.
Okay, the game's gone too far.
You have to reverse it now.
Flip-flop.
Clean the house with the help of the good spirits.
- You know how to do that? - Yeah, man.
I wanted to be home.
Bathing in nougat and Pixy Stick dust.
Instead, I was here, candy-less, and soon to be the laughing stock of the whole damn town.
Oh, God, that smell.
I'm just going to line up nine or ten Butterbobs, get a big glass of whole milk and lay into some prime-time television.
Mmm.
So sweet.
Oh, look at this.
A little Cherub Chub.
- How'd you do tonight, Grump? - It was amazing.
Best season yet.
Check out this haul.
Of course.
It's not regular Halloween, so no miniatures.
- It's all king-size candy.
- King-size! How was I supposed to know this would happen? We were bewitched by Henrietta and the promise of more beguiling babes.
Whatever.
You guys look like you could use a little pick-me-up.
Here.
Circus peanuts.
Goddamn circus peanuts.
The most reviled of all treats.
I'd rather eat a razor-blade apple.
We aren't people who deserve shit candy, Chris.
We aren't chumps.
If Chips-a-Troy wants to make us look like idiots, we owe it to ourselves to try and stop him.
Hell, yeah, Chad-o.
This ends tonight.
We're gonna leave this peanut fool behind, go to Royal Cuts and get that tape.
They'll be sorry they messed with us.
Come on, let's go change out of these pee-pee dresses.
- Hurry, he', he's coming! - Oh, no! Come on, come on! - What are you doing, Jay? - Jay! The fins.
The fins don't climb.
They're made to swim.
Oh, God, they're made to swim! He's gonna get you! Hurry! Come on! Come on, let's go.
- We'll remember you, Jay.
- Always.
- The devil? - Close enough.
It's amazing the speed one can move when one finds himself on the cusp of social leprosy.
It can really put a fire in your belly.
Wait, you can't go without a costume.
I'm Sir Karnbury Swift, First Order Space Knight of the Galactic Guard.
We're storming the castle.
Zwordzo, I'm gonna need headgear.
- So what's the plan, Sir Karnbury? - That's Sir Karnbury Swift.
Huh.
Well, we can't muscle by those apes.
Roll a boulder at them, perhaps? Or go in through the pig door.
Life used to be so simple.
Put on a costume, ring a doorbell, get some candy.
Now I'm crawling through hell, where man-boys and swine take their final steps into the unknown.
What's with the music? It's to drown out the sound of the pigs screaming.
Devil's Tunnel.
So, uh th-this is where you live? The subworld gives me everything I need.
What have you heard about me, fish boy? That you were born with chicken's feet.
And you sleep with your eyes open.
And you have a second mouth where your belly button should be.
What else? You can run backwards at a full sprint.
Hmm.
Did you hear that if you stare into my eyes, it's like staring straight into the sun? You stare long enough, and you'll go blind.
Make sure to tell your friends that one.
- Okay.
- So, do you know why I brought you here? To slice me up for supper? Drink me with an ice-cold glass of gasoline? - Use my blood as sunscreen? - Hmm.
Wait here.
There it was.
The party we had tried so hard to get to.
The adult Halloween I was supposed to want.
Look.
There it is.
Let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Well, well, well.
This is perfect.
You two can do a Q and A after the screening and live your shame all over again.
Goddamn it.
Ooh, ooh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, baby, that thing on your face is looking worse.
Shh.
Don't use your sexy voice.
You're arousing the spirits.
Let's expel these unholy bastard phantoms.
Ah, yes, I feel something.
Ah, a spirit.
Is he cute? Ladies, ladies, this is serious.
Shh.
Quiet.
Hold on.
You feel that? Terry? Terry, your, uh Oh! Oh, my goodness! Oh! Jesus Christ, what is that? A demon! Quick, grab a bug spray.
I trapped it.
What now? That's it, man.
It's dead.
This demon, it's gone, okay? This house is clean.
- It's clean.
- Oh, thank you, Terry.
Oh, I got to lay down.
So let me get this straight.
A demon came out of your face? It's a bot fly.
Every child in San Cristobal knows them.
They're a real itchy thing, but no demon.
But sometimes, Joanie, when a man needs a demon, you give him a demon.
Now he's braver.
Now he is my friend.
And now I love him.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Ladies and gentlemen! The time has come for the main event.
The Royal Prank.
Tonight I have the killer scare prank that turned two boys into quivering babies.
And as a special treat, those babies are here with us.
You've been Royaled! There we were, stuck in the bitter taffy of the moment.
There is no why.
- Flippers! It's got flippers.
- It's alive.
Jay? Stop.
Help.
Get it away! Oh, God, look! Johnny Slade! Run for your lives! The tape! Hm.
And now this shame is a private one.
The way shames should be, nice and private.
Hey, buddy.
What do you say? You want to hit one up for old times' sake? Yeah, I really do.
Trick or treat.
I can't believe you got You pretty much rule the universe now.
I agree, and now I present tonight's feature presentation.
Troy Royal: Asshole Revealed.
H-How did you find me? You caused quite a stir back there, Terrible Fish Boy.
Impressive.
Not so different, you and I.
Ally? Adversary? Only time will tell.
Until then Whoa, the mother lode.
But why? Fatten you up for next season.
Eat.
Don't eat.
The choice is yours.
Well, I declare our party to be an absolute success.
And how about you and Terry being so chummy? Yes, Rosy.
No spirits.
Wait.
Terry? Terry chum what? Good night, my Dracula.