Outnumbered (2007) s01e04 Episode Script
The Quiet Night In
- (Shouting) - Go on, son! Get it down the line! (Whistle) (Shouting) There it is! There it is! Come on! Come on, Ben, get up.
Didn't even touch you.
Get up.
Come on, it's a team game.
- Ben.
- Really, really rotten.
You're, erBen's dad.
- Hi.
I'm Roy's dad, Steve.
- Pete.
Ben was round our place on Sunday.
He's, erquite a kid, isn't he? Yeah, he's, erhe's quite a kid.
Told us all about you.
(Chuckles) - Did he? - Oh, yes, he's obviously very proud.
So tell me.
What's Gordon Brown really like? Let's play karaoke! I'm feelin' lucky! (Both giggle) OK, Alexa, you'd best pack up your things now because your mummy rang and, er she said she's gonna be here in ten minutes.
- (Shrill explosions) - Die! - What shall we do now? - Girls? - Rowr! - Have I become invisible? Hello? - Hey, can you hear something? - No.
- Thought there was someone speaking.
- Hello? - I didn't hear.
- It was just our imagination.
- Karen? - # Mummy's turned invisible - # Mummy's turned invisible - OK, that's enough.
- (Phone rings) - # We can't see her, we can't see her - Hello! - # Ha-ha-ha-ha! - Oh, hi.
Hi, Veronica.
Yes.
- (Karen) Die! Die! - (Alexa squeak) - Yeah, I did get your email.
Um The thing is, umI probably won't be able to deal with it this evening because (Sighs) Well, to be honest, Pete and I had sort of promised ourselves a quiet night in.
Well, you know, to have some quality adult time.
Yeah, husband and wife stuff.
Youyou know what I mean.
You Well, you can probably remember what I mean.
- I am so sorry.
- No, really.
- It's - No, it's no problem, really.
- Kids do that, don't they? - Mm.
And to be honest, erboth me and Carol thought it was a bit unlikely (Chuckles) .
.
you being an SAS-trained bodyguard.
Right.
(Cheering) - Come on, Miles, it's your turn! - You absolute plonker.
- (Ben) You're pathetic.
- No, I'm not.
Don't blame the goalkeeper.
Come on.
A tree in goal would be better than you, and they can't move.
Stop shouting at me.
I'm getting really upset now.
Come on, Martin, please don't cry.
I'm sorry.
Is the goalkeeper your son? - I'm sorry.
Ben tends to be quite aggressive.
- No, please don't worry.
It's not a problem.
(Clears throat) I hope you don't mind my saying, I hope it's not inappropriate, but, uml just think you're so brave.
Come on, it's time to pack away now, because Alexa's mummy is due - and it's time for your bath.
- It's too early.
No, tonight, really, we're gonna have bath and bed by seven, because it's early nights all round tonight.
- Have you tried ringing Mummy? - Yes, I have but it keeps going to voice mail.
She probably left her mobile somewhere.
She's always doing that.
My daddy says she must have a brain made out of cheese.
Does he? Yeah, well, you know - (Giggling) - .
.
mummies have a lot on their plate.
Especially runny cheese.
That's what mummies have for brains.
That's what Daddy says to me.
Right.
Argh! - D'you need some help, darling? - No, it's all right.
It's maths.
Ah, but I got A's in maths, I'll have you know.
Yeah, but you did old maths and we're doing new maths so it's different.
It's just the question.
It's just badly worded.
Let's have a look, shall we? (Clears throat) OK.
- (Karen) Let's play another game.
- (Vehicle passing outside) No, you're right.
Thatthat really is badly worded.
I am just so sorry, I don't know Please don't give it another thought.
I mean, some boys just like to fib, don't they? - Yeah, but, I mean, that is - Honestly, it's fine.
But you organised a collection.
But it's all right, because I can give eveyone their money back so it's really not a problem.
- Hi, Kate, what's the score? - It's - (Cheering) - .
.
eight-nul to them.
(Shouting) Mind you, that one was a bit controversial.
- You're Ben's dad, aren't you? - Yeah.
He's told me all about you.
Has he? Well, he will have made it all up, OK? It's just something that he does.
Whatever story he has told you, it will be a lie.
What did he tell you? He said you're a history teacher.
(Whistle) Right.
No, that one's true.
- (Phone rings) - Excuse me.
Hiya.
Oh, aboutabout five minutes, I should think.
- Can you fetch some milk on your way back? - Yeah, sure, yeah.
How's Operation Early Night going, hm? Has, erJane been to pick up Alexa yet? - (Squeak of laughter) - Oh, umshe's on her way.
Excellent, five or ten minutes here, l should be home in about 20 and we can pack the kids off to bed, and then, erafter that it's break out the champagne and the oysters and put the rose petals on the bed.
Pete, stop it, you sound like leslie Phillips.
Can l Can I hear swearing? (Siren blaring) (Ben) They're playing me out of position.
l should be playing in the hole.
Why didn't anybody pass to me? I'm easily better than they are.
If you didn't shout, ''Why doesn't anyone pass to me? I'm better than you'', that would help.
We'd get beaten by a bunch of potatoes.
I should be captain.
What, for your team-building qualities? Now, why don't you go in and pop your pyjamas on? I'm gonna play Club Penguin.
You might as well change into your pyjamas because Oh, well.
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! - I love you as much as cats.
- Ah.
- Oh.
Hello, Alexa.
How are you? - I'm fine, thank you.
- Is your mummy on her way to collect you? - I doubt it.
- Right.
- Girls, don't start any complicated games! - Jane's late picking her up again, then? - Oh, only an hour and a quaker.
It's still two hours off her personal best.
How was the match? Mm, not great.
They really should segregate the home-and-away supporters.
Oh, not again.
Still, at least Ben should sleep well tonight.
Do you reckon? He's still totally wired.
- (Shouting and running feet) - He could go on for hours yet.
- Right.
- You're quiet, Jakester.
He's stuck on his maths.
- New maths, is it? - Yeah.
- Perhaps Daddy could help you.
- Yeah, OK.
(Clears throat) I always think it's better if the pupil works it out for themselves cos that way they will remember it better.
Karen, what did I say about starting any new games? But it's rude to leave your guest alone.
You can't suddenly change your mind now.
That's what you told me.
Actually, I can change my mind now.
I want you to get changed so that Alexa's ready to go.
You're not supposed to forget your manners.
Look, Alexa's mummy will be here soon.
She's probably just stuck in a traffic jam or something.
Cheesy brains.
Daddy said that Mummy had a cheesy brain.
If Daddy still lived with Mummy he'll be a crazy man.
Mind you, Mummy said he is a crazy man.
That's why sometimes she has to call the police.
Let's play Devil Princess.
Yeah, come on.
- Is there any chocolate? - Ben, I've just found this letter.
I would like you to be a really grown-up boy and run up to the post box and post it for me.
l want you to run all the way there and all the way back.
- OK.
- All the way.
ls there any fallout from Karen's party? Any law suits? Oh, I don't want to talk about it.
But I had a real go at those bloody party people.
I mean, I specifically asked for Funtime Freddy Number _ and they sent Funtime Freddy Number 11.
He's useless and eveybody knows that, and he's clearly got a drink problem.
His hands were shaking so much he could barely make the balloon animak.
I don't think I've ever seen kids go quite that berserk.
I know, and at the school gate this morning Brad's mum couldn't look me in the eye.
I saw Brad at football.
He looksOK.
Yeah, she's combed his fringe over the wound.
At least he's now got a healthy respect for first-floor windows and gravity.
It's all part of the learning curve.
learning plummet.
(Phone rings) Hello? Oh, hi, Jane.
No, Alexa's fine.
Yeah.
You'll be with us shortly? Where are you now? You're just leaving your own house.
That's gonna take more than ten minutes, Jane.
It's rush hour, isn't it? No, no, no, no.
No, no sweat.
No sweat.
Look, we'll, er we'll just see you when we see you.
- Cheesy brain.
- (Slam) Gosh, that was fast.
D'you know what? I've just found another letter that I meant to post.
Could you be really, really, really grown-up and run to the post box and post it for me? - OK.
- Running.
All the way.
Can I watch little Britain? - No.
- (Door slams) - You didn't put anything in that envelope.
- I know.
- (Alarm blaring) - Why did nobody pass to me? I'm best player.
l mean, Arsenal wouldn't win against stupid old Tottenham if van Persie didn't pass to - Is Jake all right? - Yeah, why? - He keeps on popping to the toilet.
- He's probably got a tippy tummy.
I'm the fastest player so eveybody should pass to me.
- Oh, you're not that fast.
- Yes, I am.
All right, then.
I bet you one pound you can't run up and down the top stairs 200 times in under five minutes.
- Course I could.
- Off you go, then.
One pound.
For the final time, I want the house.
l want the house.
Cheesy brain.
I want the house, you crazy man.
l paid for it so it's my house! No, it's my house too but I want it for myself.
Come on, Jane.
Bloody hell! When she arrives and starts her bleeding-heart routine, don't get involved.
Give her the kid and boot her out the door.
I feel sorry for her.
She's having such a difficult time.
- I'll do it.
I'll deal with her.
- Right.
- You won't be rude, will you? - I won't be rude, I'll be truthful.
I'll say, ''Jane, I can't talk.
It's getting late and I'm on a promise.
'' What promise? Don't be nosy.
Are you all right? Have you got tummy trouble? No, I'm fine.
- How's school? - It's school.
- It was cool? - It was school.
School was school.
Jesus.
ls that your letter of apology? Statement of regret.
l have no need to apologise.
The head made that completely clear.
l sincerely regret any offence l may inadvertedly have caused Kamal by implying that he is fat, bracketswhich he is.
- Not very conciliatory.
- But he is fat.
You see, no one's admitting it.
It's the elephant in the room.
Hehe is the elephant in the room.
You're gonna have to back down eventually, love.
- I've got nothing to back down from.
- You have to tone it down.
- I'm not.
I'm gonna send it as it is.
- Yeah, you will.
- (Doorbell) - Ah, Jane.
Don't get involved.
Don't get involved.
Hello there.
We'd like to ask you, do you think that man alone can solve all the problems in this world? Yes.
- Did it! - False alarm.
- One pound.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you cheated.
- No, I didn't.
- I was listening.
You have to do it again.
(Woman) ,,ÃncludÃng the poor weather, the congestion charge.
and fears about terrorism.
(Man) flÃght across,,, (Man 2) SÃt down.
Rose.
- (Man _) Jane is at the end of her labour.
- What's this? It's a documentary about childbirth.
You don't want to watch that.
- Yes, I do.
- Oh, not (GruntÃng and gaspÃng) No, youyou're right, I don't.
- (Running feet) - Dad? We settled for 500 times in ten minutes for two quid.
Oh, Mum, I meant to tell you earlier but, umAuntie Angela rang.
- When? - Ertoday.
- Which part of today? - (Shouting upstairs) - Earlier.
- Why can't anybody write anything down? Did she say what it was about? Mm Er No.
She may have had a problem with Grandad.
She's not used to looking after him.
I doubt it.
She seems to be coping really well, which is good, isn't it? I'm gonna go and watch the big telly.
- It is good, isn't it? I mean for all of us.
- Of course it's good.
I know that.
- I do understand, you know.
- Understand what? Well, you've been looking after your dad for ages.
Your sister breezes in and just takes over.
It's only human nature that you're gonna feel a bit Bit what? Supplanted.
(Snoks) Supplanted? Why would I feel supplanted? I don't feel supplanted.
- (Doorbell) - That'll be Jane.
- Alexa! Alexa! - Don't get involved.
Here I am, late again.
What am I like? You must be so fed up with me.
Not at all.
Alexa? She's probably hiding.
Little terror.
She always does that.
Alexa, come on! - Nice evening.
- Yeah.
Alexa! I got lost on the way over here.
Can you believe that? I've been here hundreds of times.
Yes, you have.
(Chuckles) I always confuse the two roundabouts.
Oh, no.
(Sighs) D'you want to come in for a drink? - No! - (Jane) Oh No, I can't stop.
(Whispers) Oh, thank you, God.
(Jane) Oh, all right, then.
- Hi, Jane! - Hi, Pete.
- Sorry to be late.
- No problem.
So what's it to be? Glass of wine? Oh, cup of tea would be great.
- You wouldn't believe the week I've had.
- Wouldn't we? It's been murder.
Nick's being difficult about the divorce.
- I'll hury the girls up.
- Oh, thanks, Pete.
No, it's been hell.
But I won't bore you with the details.
Right.
I hear the school's I mean the man is a total bastard.
I know what he's doing.
He's tying to push meover the edge! I'm sorry! I'm really sorry, Sue! (Sobs) It's not your problem! Oh don't be silly, come on.
Oh! It all It all started up again last month.
(Sniffs) Remember when I told you about not being able to get cashback out at Waitrose? But in the meantime I don't know what he expects us to live off.
l mean, well, you know what it's like.
Food and clothes and l mean, he seems to have enough money to take Cindy to Portofino.
- Where the hell is Portofino, anyway? - Yeah.
Umit's Italy, I think.
So he can afford to take her to Italy.
Probably paying for it from one of the five accounts I didn't know he had.
And you know, the worst thing is, I found out he's taken my Air Miles.
Why are you putting me to bed so early? It wasn't light outside yesterday.
Yeah, but look.
It's not light now, look.
Now, what do you want to read? How about this? The Cow That Wouldn't Move.
It's ''Moo''.
Oh, yeah.
The Cow That Wouldn't Moo.
Eryeah.
- What's Snail House? - Hm? Well Oh.
Snail House? No, you can't have Snail House.
- Why not? - It's very long.
Very very long.
Far too long.
How about this? What's that one? Look at that one there.
''Baaa,'' that one's called.
Baaa.
Baaa.
Yeah, really funny.
I want Snail House.
- D'you know, II don't think it's there.
- It's right there.
I don't think we've got it.
I genuinely - Where - It's right there.
Ah, there it is.
What luck.
I mean, he says he didn't start seeing her till after we split up.
But he must think I was born yesterday.
(Sniffs) Anyway, you don't want to hear about all this.
Alexa! Come on! We've taken up enough of these good people's time.
Where are your shoes? - I think they're in the hall.
- Well, find them.
Quick, quick.
Can I just ask you are you happy with the school? - Yes.
- Oh, right.
It's just Alexa's been struggling with her reading and no one's tested her for dyslexia.
Can you believe that? Is Alexa still here? - (Sue and Jane talking) - (Sighs) Night-night.
- (Humming tune) - All right, come on.
- What was that doing there? - (Jane talking) Come on.
(Jane) I've tried raising it with the hairdresser's.
I've emailed them several times now, but all I get is this pat response I just think that's not true.
It's him being very unpleasant.
(Rings) Sue! It's for you.
At the school that Sarah's kids are at, they screen them for dyslexia and aspraxia.
- (Pete) Sue, it's for you! - Listen, I'll leave you to it.
- It's for you.
- Who is it? Erit's Angela.
- Oh, hi, Angela! - Bye, Pete.
- Ah, are you going, Jane? - Yes, finally.
Oh, well, let me, um Oh, really, Angela? - I've done 50 of these already.
- Good, just another 150 to go, then.
Bye! Oh, yeah.
Bye.
See you.
Sorry, Angela? - What do you say, Alexa? - Thank you for having me.
Oh, do you know what? You are very welcome.
Hiya.
Hiya.
Jane, this is Sue's sister.
- Angela.
- Hi.
Which is a coincidence cos Sue's on the phone to her friend Angela.
Oh.
Right.
- And this is Alexa.
- Hi, Alexa.
That's a pretty name.
- Jane and Alexa are just leaving.
- OK.
- Oh, that is a beautiful necklace.
- Oh, thank you! l saw one just like that in Seville a couple of weeks ago.
- Oh, I love Spain, the real Spain.
- So do l.
Well Absolutely.
Two miles away from the coast - I know.
Have you been to the Alhambra? - Yes! Isn't it fabulous? Oh, I absolutely love it.
l went there last year with my husband.
The man is completely pathetic.
He said he didn't start seeing Cindy until after we split up but I don't believe him.
Oh, right.
Anyway, hark at me.
Stop talking, Jane.
(laughs) Thanks again, Sue.
Bye! Thanks.
Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- (Both) Bye, Alexa.
- Bye.
- She's got some issues.
- I expect you could use a drink, Angela.
- No, no, no, I'm not stopping.
- They all say that.
No, I've got Dad waiting at home.
I'm taking him out for an Indian.
He doesn't like spicy food.
When we tried to take him out for an Indian, he just ordered egg and chips.
Yeah, well, he's definitely up for a cury tonight.
Anyway, I just popped in for the key.
- The key? - Yeah.
Didn't Jake give you the message? The spare key to Dad's place? There's stars over the moon There's stars where we are in the sky There's stars over the moon Let's go to the judges! Let's have Simon first.
What do you think, Simon? It wasn't that interesting, and also it wasand also it was awful.
()ake) Dad Now let's go to the second judge! I think that that was very, very good, and I think that that was all almost fantastic.
Now let's go to Andrew lloyd Webber.
What do you think? Well, it wasn't the right song.
You've got a nice voice, but it wasn't the right song.
The thing is that Dad and l should each have our own key, really.
You don't need the spare any more.
Not now that I'm living with - I mean, looking after Dad.
- I suppose not.
- I could get you another one cut for the - Sure.
Get another couple cut.
Trent'll need some when he comes to join you.
Good point.
II'll get a whole batch cut.
Well, I don't want to keep His lordship waiting.
Catch you later.
- See you.
- Bye.
- (Door shuts) - Right.
- Quality adult time.
- Dad, you've got an email on your computer.
- I believe it's from your headmaster.
- Oh, what joy.
I'll read that tomorrow.
You could probably do with an early night, couldn't you? Why? First couple of weeks at secondary school.
It's tiring, isn't it? - Is it? - Yes.
Umdid you know Benji's mum and dad are splitting up? - No.
Really? - Mm.
- I thought they looked really happy, actually.
- Oh, God.
I'm really surprised.
So a couple can look good from the outside, but they don't feel good from the inside.
So they break up.
Is that right? (Alarm blaring outside) Really bad! No.
You've done very well to get this far, but I'm very, very, very, very sorry to have to tell you that you've got over to the next round! Yaaayyy! How can you tell? A couple can seem really happily married on the outside, but then - If you're worried about divorce, don't - You mustn't.
.
.
because we're never ever gonna split up.
Well, youyou can't actually say never ever.
- That's not the truth.
- So you might? - No, we'll never - No, but But you just said you might.
No, but it's important that you tell children the truth and you can't say never ever, ever.
(Whispers) Sometimes you have to.
We are never, ever going to get divorced.
- So you're saying you might? - Sometimes these things do happen.
But we can fairly confidently say to you that's not gonna happen with us.
- We love each other.
- Yes, we do.
- And love just isn't enough for some couples.
- Yeah, but I haven't heard you say - Love isn't enough for some couples? - Well, it isn't, clearly, for some people.
Love is the basis of the whole thing.
- Well, yeah, it is, but you know - You're arguing now.
- We're not arguing.
- you are ! If you just love each other and then What about if there's no money? (Pete) You can't be together with no love.
Anyway, the upshot is, is that you may hear us arguing but it doesn't mean anything.
Well, it might mean that your dad's done something stupid, but Yeah, I'm quite knackered so I'm gonna go to bed.
- OK, night-night, fella.
- Night.
- See you in the morning.
- Yeah.
- I knew he was bottling something up.
- I know, I told you he wasn't being bullied.
Mm.
D'you know, that is such a relief.
I had this vision of him with his head being flushed down the toilet.
- Or chained to a - Shh.
You worry too much.
(Sighs) I'll go and sort Ben out.
(Car alarm blaring) (Whispers) Come on.
Ben? Ben? Take you up to bed.
(Siren blaring) (Both sigh) (Noman on TV3 Perhaps we could go over your versÃon Alone at last, eh? D'you mind if we forget about the sex? - Oh, could we? - Too knackered.
Yeah.
- You see Judge John Deed there? - Yeah? He's presiding over a case where the prosecution barrister's his ex-wife and the defence barrister's his girlfriend.
- Is that allowed? - Yeah, he's a maverick.
- And he's shagging the expert witness.
- Right.
No wonder he looks so pleased with himself.
Oh, I'veI've done the sums, by the way.
- Eh? - On our world trip idea.
We could rent the house.
I could do some teaching along the way.
It's allyou know, it's all peme_ly possible.
D'you mind if I look at it tomorrow? Only mentally I'm a bit - No, no, no, no, that's fine.
- Mm.
(Clears throat) Only, um don't take too long about it because I have a very rare blood disease.
- What? - Yeah, Ben's been telling people all about it.
Why does he do it? Well, luckily it doesn't stop me guarding Gordon Brown or owning a lion.
D'you think he's normal? Well, I think he's within the bounds of normal.
Justright up at the end near abnormal.
When was the last time we had a conversation that wasn't about the children? We could have one now.
How would you solve the Palestine problem? Well.
(Clears throat) I'd solve it the mum's way.
I'd say to Hamas and the Israelis, ''I'm not interested in who started it.
'' - (Dog barking outside) - Would you like to reconsider? - (Phone rings) - Oh.
Place your bets.
Who's it gonna be? - Veronica or Dad? - (Ringing) Someone from India who can save us lots of money? (Ringing) Hello? Hello, Mrs Thompson.
It's Jake's form teacher.
Yeah.
No.
Well, we had noticed that Jake was a bit subdued but I think we know why that is, though, because, uma friend of his, his parents have split up and he's Oh.
Oh, I see.
What kind of bullying?
Didn't even touch you.
Get up.
Come on, it's a team game.
- Ben.
- Really, really rotten.
You're, erBen's dad.
- Hi.
I'm Roy's dad, Steve.
- Pete.
Ben was round our place on Sunday.
He's, erquite a kid, isn't he? Yeah, he's, erhe's quite a kid.
Told us all about you.
(Chuckles) - Did he? - Oh, yes, he's obviously very proud.
So tell me.
What's Gordon Brown really like? Let's play karaoke! I'm feelin' lucky! (Both giggle) OK, Alexa, you'd best pack up your things now because your mummy rang and, er she said she's gonna be here in ten minutes.
- (Shrill explosions) - Die! - What shall we do now? - Girls? - Rowr! - Have I become invisible? Hello? - Hey, can you hear something? - No.
- Thought there was someone speaking.
- Hello? - I didn't hear.
- It was just our imagination.
- Karen? - # Mummy's turned invisible - # Mummy's turned invisible - OK, that's enough.
- (Phone rings) - # We can't see her, we can't see her - Hello! - # Ha-ha-ha-ha! - Oh, hi.
Hi, Veronica.
Yes.
- (Karen) Die! Die! - (Alexa squeak) - Yeah, I did get your email.
Um The thing is, umI probably won't be able to deal with it this evening because (Sighs) Well, to be honest, Pete and I had sort of promised ourselves a quiet night in.
Well, you know, to have some quality adult time.
Yeah, husband and wife stuff.
Youyou know what I mean.
You Well, you can probably remember what I mean.
- I am so sorry.
- No, really.
- It's - No, it's no problem, really.
- Kids do that, don't they? - Mm.
And to be honest, erboth me and Carol thought it was a bit unlikely (Chuckles) .
.
you being an SAS-trained bodyguard.
Right.
(Cheering) - Come on, Miles, it's your turn! - You absolute plonker.
- (Ben) You're pathetic.
- No, I'm not.
Don't blame the goalkeeper.
Come on.
A tree in goal would be better than you, and they can't move.
Stop shouting at me.
I'm getting really upset now.
Come on, Martin, please don't cry.
I'm sorry.
Is the goalkeeper your son? - I'm sorry.
Ben tends to be quite aggressive.
- No, please don't worry.
It's not a problem.
(Clears throat) I hope you don't mind my saying, I hope it's not inappropriate, but, uml just think you're so brave.
Come on, it's time to pack away now, because Alexa's mummy is due - and it's time for your bath.
- It's too early.
No, tonight, really, we're gonna have bath and bed by seven, because it's early nights all round tonight.
- Have you tried ringing Mummy? - Yes, I have but it keeps going to voice mail.
She probably left her mobile somewhere.
She's always doing that.
My daddy says she must have a brain made out of cheese.
Does he? Yeah, well, you know - (Giggling) - .
.
mummies have a lot on their plate.
Especially runny cheese.
That's what mummies have for brains.
That's what Daddy says to me.
Right.
Argh! - D'you need some help, darling? - No, it's all right.
It's maths.
Ah, but I got A's in maths, I'll have you know.
Yeah, but you did old maths and we're doing new maths so it's different.
It's just the question.
It's just badly worded.
Let's have a look, shall we? (Clears throat) OK.
- (Karen) Let's play another game.
- (Vehicle passing outside) No, you're right.
Thatthat really is badly worded.
I am just so sorry, I don't know Please don't give it another thought.
I mean, some boys just like to fib, don't they? - Yeah, but, I mean, that is - Honestly, it's fine.
But you organised a collection.
But it's all right, because I can give eveyone their money back so it's really not a problem.
- Hi, Kate, what's the score? - It's - (Cheering) - .
.
eight-nul to them.
(Shouting) Mind you, that one was a bit controversial.
- You're Ben's dad, aren't you? - Yeah.
He's told me all about you.
Has he? Well, he will have made it all up, OK? It's just something that he does.
Whatever story he has told you, it will be a lie.
What did he tell you? He said you're a history teacher.
(Whistle) Right.
No, that one's true.
- (Phone rings) - Excuse me.
Hiya.
Oh, aboutabout five minutes, I should think.
- Can you fetch some milk on your way back? - Yeah, sure, yeah.
How's Operation Early Night going, hm? Has, erJane been to pick up Alexa yet? - (Squeak of laughter) - Oh, umshe's on her way.
Excellent, five or ten minutes here, l should be home in about 20 and we can pack the kids off to bed, and then, erafter that it's break out the champagne and the oysters and put the rose petals on the bed.
Pete, stop it, you sound like leslie Phillips.
Can l Can I hear swearing? (Siren blaring) (Ben) They're playing me out of position.
l should be playing in the hole.
Why didn't anybody pass to me? I'm easily better than they are.
If you didn't shout, ''Why doesn't anyone pass to me? I'm better than you'', that would help.
We'd get beaten by a bunch of potatoes.
I should be captain.
What, for your team-building qualities? Now, why don't you go in and pop your pyjamas on? I'm gonna play Club Penguin.
You might as well change into your pyjamas because Oh, well.
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! - I love you as much as cats.
- Ah.
- Oh.
Hello, Alexa.
How are you? - I'm fine, thank you.
- Is your mummy on her way to collect you? - I doubt it.
- Right.
- Girls, don't start any complicated games! - Jane's late picking her up again, then? - Oh, only an hour and a quaker.
It's still two hours off her personal best.
How was the match? Mm, not great.
They really should segregate the home-and-away supporters.
Oh, not again.
Still, at least Ben should sleep well tonight.
Do you reckon? He's still totally wired.
- (Shouting and running feet) - He could go on for hours yet.
- Right.
- You're quiet, Jakester.
He's stuck on his maths.
- New maths, is it? - Yeah.
- Perhaps Daddy could help you.
- Yeah, OK.
(Clears throat) I always think it's better if the pupil works it out for themselves cos that way they will remember it better.
Karen, what did I say about starting any new games? But it's rude to leave your guest alone.
You can't suddenly change your mind now.
That's what you told me.
Actually, I can change my mind now.
I want you to get changed so that Alexa's ready to go.
You're not supposed to forget your manners.
Look, Alexa's mummy will be here soon.
She's probably just stuck in a traffic jam or something.
Cheesy brains.
Daddy said that Mummy had a cheesy brain.
If Daddy still lived with Mummy he'll be a crazy man.
Mind you, Mummy said he is a crazy man.
That's why sometimes she has to call the police.
Let's play Devil Princess.
Yeah, come on.
- Is there any chocolate? - Ben, I've just found this letter.
I would like you to be a really grown-up boy and run up to the post box and post it for me.
l want you to run all the way there and all the way back.
- OK.
- All the way.
ls there any fallout from Karen's party? Any law suits? Oh, I don't want to talk about it.
But I had a real go at those bloody party people.
I mean, I specifically asked for Funtime Freddy Number _ and they sent Funtime Freddy Number 11.
He's useless and eveybody knows that, and he's clearly got a drink problem.
His hands were shaking so much he could barely make the balloon animak.
I don't think I've ever seen kids go quite that berserk.
I know, and at the school gate this morning Brad's mum couldn't look me in the eye.
I saw Brad at football.
He looksOK.
Yeah, she's combed his fringe over the wound.
At least he's now got a healthy respect for first-floor windows and gravity.
It's all part of the learning curve.
learning plummet.
(Phone rings) Hello? Oh, hi, Jane.
No, Alexa's fine.
Yeah.
You'll be with us shortly? Where are you now? You're just leaving your own house.
That's gonna take more than ten minutes, Jane.
It's rush hour, isn't it? No, no, no, no.
No, no sweat.
No sweat.
Look, we'll, er we'll just see you when we see you.
- Cheesy brain.
- (Slam) Gosh, that was fast.
D'you know what? I've just found another letter that I meant to post.
Could you be really, really, really grown-up and run to the post box and post it for me? - OK.
- Running.
All the way.
Can I watch little Britain? - No.
- (Door slams) - You didn't put anything in that envelope.
- I know.
- (Alarm blaring) - Why did nobody pass to me? I'm best player.
l mean, Arsenal wouldn't win against stupid old Tottenham if van Persie didn't pass to - Is Jake all right? - Yeah, why? - He keeps on popping to the toilet.
- He's probably got a tippy tummy.
I'm the fastest player so eveybody should pass to me.
- Oh, you're not that fast.
- Yes, I am.
All right, then.
I bet you one pound you can't run up and down the top stairs 200 times in under five minutes.
- Course I could.
- Off you go, then.
One pound.
For the final time, I want the house.
l want the house.
Cheesy brain.
I want the house, you crazy man.
l paid for it so it's my house! No, it's my house too but I want it for myself.
Come on, Jane.
Bloody hell! When she arrives and starts her bleeding-heart routine, don't get involved.
Give her the kid and boot her out the door.
I feel sorry for her.
She's having such a difficult time.
- I'll do it.
I'll deal with her.
- Right.
- You won't be rude, will you? - I won't be rude, I'll be truthful.
I'll say, ''Jane, I can't talk.
It's getting late and I'm on a promise.
'' What promise? Don't be nosy.
Are you all right? Have you got tummy trouble? No, I'm fine.
- How's school? - It's school.
- It was cool? - It was school.
School was school.
Jesus.
ls that your letter of apology? Statement of regret.
l have no need to apologise.
The head made that completely clear.
l sincerely regret any offence l may inadvertedly have caused Kamal by implying that he is fat, bracketswhich he is.
- Not very conciliatory.
- But he is fat.
You see, no one's admitting it.
It's the elephant in the room.
Hehe is the elephant in the room.
You're gonna have to back down eventually, love.
- I've got nothing to back down from.
- You have to tone it down.
- I'm not.
I'm gonna send it as it is.
- Yeah, you will.
- (Doorbell) - Ah, Jane.
Don't get involved.
Don't get involved.
Hello there.
We'd like to ask you, do you think that man alone can solve all the problems in this world? Yes.
- Did it! - False alarm.
- One pound.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you cheated.
- No, I didn't.
- I was listening.
You have to do it again.
(Woman) ,,ÃncludÃng the poor weather, the congestion charge.
and fears about terrorism.
(Man) flÃght across,,, (Man 2) SÃt down.
Rose.
- (Man _) Jane is at the end of her labour.
- What's this? It's a documentary about childbirth.
You don't want to watch that.
- Yes, I do.
- Oh, not (GruntÃng and gaspÃng) No, youyou're right, I don't.
- (Running feet) - Dad? We settled for 500 times in ten minutes for two quid.
Oh, Mum, I meant to tell you earlier but, umAuntie Angela rang.
- When? - Ertoday.
- Which part of today? - (Shouting upstairs) - Earlier.
- Why can't anybody write anything down? Did she say what it was about? Mm Er No.
She may have had a problem with Grandad.
She's not used to looking after him.
I doubt it.
She seems to be coping really well, which is good, isn't it? I'm gonna go and watch the big telly.
- It is good, isn't it? I mean for all of us.
- Of course it's good.
I know that.
- I do understand, you know.
- Understand what? Well, you've been looking after your dad for ages.
Your sister breezes in and just takes over.
It's only human nature that you're gonna feel a bit Bit what? Supplanted.
(Snoks) Supplanted? Why would I feel supplanted? I don't feel supplanted.
- (Doorbell) - That'll be Jane.
- Alexa! Alexa! - Don't get involved.
Here I am, late again.
What am I like? You must be so fed up with me.
Not at all.
Alexa? She's probably hiding.
Little terror.
She always does that.
Alexa, come on! - Nice evening.
- Yeah.
Alexa! I got lost on the way over here.
Can you believe that? I've been here hundreds of times.
Yes, you have.
(Chuckles) I always confuse the two roundabouts.
Oh, no.
(Sighs) D'you want to come in for a drink? - No! - (Jane) Oh No, I can't stop.
(Whispers) Oh, thank you, God.
(Jane) Oh, all right, then.
- Hi, Jane! - Hi, Pete.
- Sorry to be late.
- No problem.
So what's it to be? Glass of wine? Oh, cup of tea would be great.
- You wouldn't believe the week I've had.
- Wouldn't we? It's been murder.
Nick's being difficult about the divorce.
- I'll hury the girls up.
- Oh, thanks, Pete.
No, it's been hell.
But I won't bore you with the details.
Right.
I hear the school's I mean the man is a total bastard.
I know what he's doing.
He's tying to push meover the edge! I'm sorry! I'm really sorry, Sue! (Sobs) It's not your problem! Oh don't be silly, come on.
Oh! It all It all started up again last month.
(Sniffs) Remember when I told you about not being able to get cashback out at Waitrose? But in the meantime I don't know what he expects us to live off.
l mean, well, you know what it's like.
Food and clothes and l mean, he seems to have enough money to take Cindy to Portofino.
- Where the hell is Portofino, anyway? - Yeah.
Umit's Italy, I think.
So he can afford to take her to Italy.
Probably paying for it from one of the five accounts I didn't know he had.
And you know, the worst thing is, I found out he's taken my Air Miles.
Why are you putting me to bed so early? It wasn't light outside yesterday.
Yeah, but look.
It's not light now, look.
Now, what do you want to read? How about this? The Cow That Wouldn't Move.
It's ''Moo''.
Oh, yeah.
The Cow That Wouldn't Moo.
Eryeah.
- What's Snail House? - Hm? Well Oh.
Snail House? No, you can't have Snail House.
- Why not? - It's very long.
Very very long.
Far too long.
How about this? What's that one? Look at that one there.
''Baaa,'' that one's called.
Baaa.
Baaa.
Yeah, really funny.
I want Snail House.
- D'you know, II don't think it's there.
- It's right there.
I don't think we've got it.
I genuinely - Where - It's right there.
Ah, there it is.
What luck.
I mean, he says he didn't start seeing her till after we split up.
But he must think I was born yesterday.
(Sniffs) Anyway, you don't want to hear about all this.
Alexa! Come on! We've taken up enough of these good people's time.
Where are your shoes? - I think they're in the hall.
- Well, find them.
Quick, quick.
Can I just ask you are you happy with the school? - Yes.
- Oh, right.
It's just Alexa's been struggling with her reading and no one's tested her for dyslexia.
Can you believe that? Is Alexa still here? - (Sue and Jane talking) - (Sighs) Night-night.
- (Humming tune) - All right, come on.
- What was that doing there? - (Jane talking) Come on.
(Jane) I've tried raising it with the hairdresser's.
I've emailed them several times now, but all I get is this pat response I just think that's not true.
It's him being very unpleasant.
(Rings) Sue! It's for you.
At the school that Sarah's kids are at, they screen them for dyslexia and aspraxia.
- (Pete) Sue, it's for you! - Listen, I'll leave you to it.
- It's for you.
- Who is it? Erit's Angela.
- Oh, hi, Angela! - Bye, Pete.
- Ah, are you going, Jane? - Yes, finally.
Oh, well, let me, um Oh, really, Angela? - I've done 50 of these already.
- Good, just another 150 to go, then.
Bye! Oh, yeah.
Bye.
See you.
Sorry, Angela? - What do you say, Alexa? - Thank you for having me.
Oh, do you know what? You are very welcome.
Hiya.
Hiya.
Jane, this is Sue's sister.
- Angela.
- Hi.
Which is a coincidence cos Sue's on the phone to her friend Angela.
Oh.
Right.
- And this is Alexa.
- Hi, Alexa.
That's a pretty name.
- Jane and Alexa are just leaving.
- OK.
- Oh, that is a beautiful necklace.
- Oh, thank you! l saw one just like that in Seville a couple of weeks ago.
- Oh, I love Spain, the real Spain.
- So do l.
Well Absolutely.
Two miles away from the coast - I know.
Have you been to the Alhambra? - Yes! Isn't it fabulous? Oh, I absolutely love it.
l went there last year with my husband.
The man is completely pathetic.
He said he didn't start seeing Cindy until after we split up but I don't believe him.
Oh, right.
Anyway, hark at me.
Stop talking, Jane.
(laughs) Thanks again, Sue.
Bye! Thanks.
Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- (Both) Bye, Alexa.
- Bye.
- She's got some issues.
- I expect you could use a drink, Angela.
- No, no, no, I'm not stopping.
- They all say that.
No, I've got Dad waiting at home.
I'm taking him out for an Indian.
He doesn't like spicy food.
When we tried to take him out for an Indian, he just ordered egg and chips.
Yeah, well, he's definitely up for a cury tonight.
Anyway, I just popped in for the key.
- The key? - Yeah.
Didn't Jake give you the message? The spare key to Dad's place? There's stars over the moon There's stars where we are in the sky There's stars over the moon Let's go to the judges! Let's have Simon first.
What do you think, Simon? It wasn't that interesting, and also it wasand also it was awful.
()ake) Dad Now let's go to the second judge! I think that that was very, very good, and I think that that was all almost fantastic.
Now let's go to Andrew lloyd Webber.
What do you think? Well, it wasn't the right song.
You've got a nice voice, but it wasn't the right song.
The thing is that Dad and l should each have our own key, really.
You don't need the spare any more.
Not now that I'm living with - I mean, looking after Dad.
- I suppose not.
- I could get you another one cut for the - Sure.
Get another couple cut.
Trent'll need some when he comes to join you.
Good point.
II'll get a whole batch cut.
Well, I don't want to keep His lordship waiting.
Catch you later.
- See you.
- Bye.
- (Door shuts) - Right.
- Quality adult time.
- Dad, you've got an email on your computer.
- I believe it's from your headmaster.
- Oh, what joy.
I'll read that tomorrow.
You could probably do with an early night, couldn't you? Why? First couple of weeks at secondary school.
It's tiring, isn't it? - Is it? - Yes.
Umdid you know Benji's mum and dad are splitting up? - No.
Really? - Mm.
- I thought they looked really happy, actually.
- Oh, God.
I'm really surprised.
So a couple can look good from the outside, but they don't feel good from the inside.
So they break up.
Is that right? (Alarm blaring outside) Really bad! No.
You've done very well to get this far, but I'm very, very, very, very sorry to have to tell you that you've got over to the next round! Yaaayyy! How can you tell? A couple can seem really happily married on the outside, but then - If you're worried about divorce, don't - You mustn't.
.
.
because we're never ever gonna split up.
Well, youyou can't actually say never ever.
- That's not the truth.
- So you might? - No, we'll never - No, but But you just said you might.
No, but it's important that you tell children the truth and you can't say never ever, ever.
(Whispers) Sometimes you have to.
We are never, ever going to get divorced.
- So you're saying you might? - Sometimes these things do happen.
But we can fairly confidently say to you that's not gonna happen with us.
- We love each other.
- Yes, we do.
- And love just isn't enough for some couples.
- Yeah, but I haven't heard you say - Love isn't enough for some couples? - Well, it isn't, clearly, for some people.
Love is the basis of the whole thing.
- Well, yeah, it is, but you know - You're arguing now.
- We're not arguing.
- you are ! If you just love each other and then What about if there's no money? (Pete) You can't be together with no love.
Anyway, the upshot is, is that you may hear us arguing but it doesn't mean anything.
Well, it might mean that your dad's done something stupid, but Yeah, I'm quite knackered so I'm gonna go to bed.
- OK, night-night, fella.
- Night.
- See you in the morning.
- Yeah.
- I knew he was bottling something up.
- I know, I told you he wasn't being bullied.
Mm.
D'you know, that is such a relief.
I had this vision of him with his head being flushed down the toilet.
- Or chained to a - Shh.
You worry too much.
(Sighs) I'll go and sort Ben out.
(Car alarm blaring) (Whispers) Come on.
Ben? Ben? Take you up to bed.
(Siren blaring) (Both sigh) (Noman on TV3 Perhaps we could go over your versÃon Alone at last, eh? D'you mind if we forget about the sex? - Oh, could we? - Too knackered.
Yeah.
- You see Judge John Deed there? - Yeah? He's presiding over a case where the prosecution barrister's his ex-wife and the defence barrister's his girlfriend.
- Is that allowed? - Yeah, he's a maverick.
- And he's shagging the expert witness.
- Right.
No wonder he looks so pleased with himself.
Oh, I'veI've done the sums, by the way.
- Eh? - On our world trip idea.
We could rent the house.
I could do some teaching along the way.
It's allyou know, it's all peme_ly possible.
D'you mind if I look at it tomorrow? Only mentally I'm a bit - No, no, no, no, that's fine.
- Mm.
(Clears throat) Only, um don't take too long about it because I have a very rare blood disease.
- What? - Yeah, Ben's been telling people all about it.
Why does he do it? Well, luckily it doesn't stop me guarding Gordon Brown or owning a lion.
D'you think he's normal? Well, I think he's within the bounds of normal.
Justright up at the end near abnormal.
When was the last time we had a conversation that wasn't about the children? We could have one now.
How would you solve the Palestine problem? Well.
(Clears throat) I'd solve it the mum's way.
I'd say to Hamas and the Israelis, ''I'm not interested in who started it.
'' - (Dog barking outside) - Would you like to reconsider? - (Phone rings) - Oh.
Place your bets.
Who's it gonna be? - Veronica or Dad? - (Ringing) Someone from India who can save us lots of money? (Ringing) Hello? Hello, Mrs Thompson.
It's Jake's form teacher.
Yeah.
No.
Well, we had noticed that Jake was a bit subdued but I think we know why that is, though, because, uma friend of his, his parents have split up and he's Oh.
Oh, I see.
What kind of bullying?