Painting with John (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Once, I was on a flight
from, uh
from Paris to New York.
And Gore Vidal was on the plane.
I'm coming down the aisle
and he's just staring at me.
Staring at me like
So I assume he recognizes me.
So I do that thing
that we famous people do
when we recognize each other
but don't want to actually
speak to each other.
I just sort of nodded my head.
You know, like
"Hello, Gore Vidal."
But don't say anything.
Obviously, he did recognize me
because he looked away
with-- with a
with an expression that could
only be described as disgust.
He-- he was like
You know? So, okay,
Gore Vidal doesn't like you.
That was fine.
And we arrive in Paris
and, uh, I'm waiting for my bag.
And as I'm standing right next
to Gore Vidal, it's like,
"Oh, God, he's gonna think
I'm stalking him."
So I turn my back a little bit.
Then I notice
all this commotion.
And it's Gore Vidal,
who's older and frail now,
and-- and he's struggling
with this enormous suitcase.
And if he doesn't get it
off the belt,
it's gonna go all the way around
and he's gonna have to wait.
So I step in
and I take off the suitcase
and put-- put it up,
you know, on the floor.
And he looks at me,
but doesn't acknowledge me,
and he still has
that look of disgust
every time he looks at me.
And he just sort of pulls up
that handle thing,
and he-- he must have thought
that some invisible baggage
handler had-- had helped him.
'Cause he just pulls up
the thing,
and then he wheels it away.
I have some respect
for Gore Vidal,
and he's been dead a few years,
but I'd like to take
this opportunity to say,
"Fuck you, Gore Vidal,
even though you're dead."
And I'm making a painting
in his honor.
This is Gore Vidal,
in case that's not clear.
And this is me, the wolf.
Not that I'm vindictive
or anything.
Would you mind telling
the folks at home
what a good and fair boss I am?
Once, I took
cocaine for three hours
in a broom closet
at a nightclub
with Rick James
and Steve Rubell.
There's no story
to go with this,
it's just a funny thing.
It's the image of it
being Rick James,
Steve Rubell, and me
snorting cocaine.
So you can see it.
Otherwise, it's three idiots
in a closet snorting cocaine.
The image of that
sticks with me.
Zach Galifianakis
used to clean my house.
For real.
Is that how you say it,
Galifianakis?
Yeah. And he did a good job.
And I liked him.
And
I knew he wanted
to be a comedian,
so, at the end of each thing,
I let him
tell me one joke
at the end of the day.
And it was ho-- it was painful.
It was like, uh,
Rupert Pupkin, kind of,
you know,
that scene with Jerry Lewis,
and he's like, "Jerry,
this is my pride and joy."
It was-- it was jokes like that.
It was terrible.
And I'm just saying it
'cause it's so odd.
It's like André the Giant
being driven to school
by Samuel Beckett.
It's just odd to me, like,
not the combination
of me and Zach,
but that he became such a big--
His acting in-- in The Hangover
is-- is--
a breakthrough in acting.
And I thought it was one of
the great performances
in a big movie of all time.
I thought he was unbelievable.
I'm sure he's not--
He's more confident now
than he was then.
I wonder
if he thinks I'm an asshole.
That would be a shame.
Once, I was really depressed,
and I was driving
in a cab going uptown.
And, uh
Down by Law, it must have been.
I'm driving by this-- this--
this movie theater.
And up on the billboard
of this movie theater
is my name.
"Tom Waits and John Lurie
in Down by Law."
And it-- it didn't make me
feel any better.
In fact, it made me feel worse.
It was just like I thought,
"Well, that's weird."
And if that doesn't make you
feel better, then fuck!
And you can't get rid of it.
Fame sticks to you.
You cannot get rid of it.
That's the thing.
You can't undo fame.
Really, it-- it took me forever.
You know, Anthony Bourdain and I
were supposed to
go out for lunch.
And I said, "Look,
pick someplace really quiet.
I don't wanna go anyplace
where anybody's gonna know
either one of us."
And, uh
he said, "That's fine."
And I said to him,
I said, "It's such a relief
to not be famous anymore."
And he just stopped
in his tracks.
And he said, "I know.
I'm agoraphobic now."
And it's like--
And he was such a decent person.
You know, every single person
that came up to him and said,
"Oh, you're Anthony Bourdain."
And he-- you know, he was--
you know, he was polite to every
single person who came up.
And people can be
such parasites.
And the pain in his face
when he said, "I'm agoraphobic."
It was just
It just--
I mean,
you could sense something
behind the eyes with him
like there was something
he was sad about.
But you didn't know what it was,
and-- and--
I think that was the main thing,
was like
fame was killing him.
I don't know,
I'm confused about losing him,
and I think about it
all the time,
and I don't understand it. So
You know, fame,
it's just terrible.
I don't know why
I'm doing this show.
Why am I doing this show?
In fact,
if you're watching it
D-- do me a favor,
and just turn it off.
Really, turn it off.
I'm not fucking kidding you.
Turn off the fucking show.
Or if you don't turn it off,
at least don't tell anybody
about it.
Motherfucker.
Do so much
for you fucking people.
Hello, Moon.
You doing okay?
Yeah, me too.
I mean, I know.
Do you get lonely up there?
Yeah, I know.
But
I mean, then somebody comes by,
and you just want 'em
to leave, right?
Wh-- wha--
Other moons visit, or what?
Oh, no shit.
That hadn't even occurred to me.
On the other side.
All right, man.
I'll see you tomorrow?
Same time? You-- What time you--
Okay. Night, man.
I was in Portland,
and we went to see that, uh
James Franco
Planet of The Apes movie
where he has to cut off
his own arm to get away.
Maybe I'm mixing up two movies.
But it's around that time.
And, uh, we go out to eat
at this fancy restaurant.
You know, I'm telling this story
'cause I'm really proud
of what I did.
Well, I'm proud
of how fast I did it.
So, I'm not dressed very well.
I'm wearing some clothes.
And they kinda look me
up and down and they say--
and they-- "Well,
we'll put you over there."
And, uh
they put me way off
to the side, like,
way off
in the middle of nowhere
'cause I'm appalling-looking.
And the restaurant is
one of those
loud, loud restaurants.
It's just like
it's concrete or stucco walls
and ceiling and floor.
And so,
the conversations are just
like, really loud.
And music they turn up louder,
and--
to give the staff energy
to run around with plates.
'Cause they have these big,
heavy plates.
And, uh
the sound just echoes.
And everybody's
very well-dressed.
And, uh
we're sitting
next to this family
who are struggling to be there.
I mean, you can just tell.
The husband and wife
are wearing their best clothes,
but they don't fit in,
and they know they don't fit in.
And they've got their daughter,
who's 11,
and their son, who's five.
And it becomes clear that
it's the daughter's birthday
and this is where she wanted
to go for her birthday.
This is--
And they were gonna make sure
that, you know,
they took her there
and it was gonna go well.
And you could tell,
they could bare--
You could hear them talking
about what they were gonna order
so that the daughter could get
what she wanted,
and they would get
the cheapest things on the menu.
It was kinda heartbreaking,
the whole thing.
And, uh
this place is just--
It's really loud.
And these giant plates
And the little girl
knocks her plate off the table.
And it's--
hits the floor and goes
It's so fucking loud.
You can't believe it.
And the whole place just stops.
And everybody looks over at us
with scowls on their faces.
And I was just like,
"This is gonna ruin
this little girl's life!"
And so I just went,
"It was me, sorry."
Because I--
And so I took it, you know,
just deflected it from her
so she-- Yeah.
And what I was pleased about
was I did it without thinking
for even a moment. I just like--
Take it, you know.
And later, the father kinda
leaned in and he said,
"Tha-- thank you so much."
Yeah.
Anyways, fuck you people
and your big plates.
-That's what I think.
-You are so adorable.
-She didn't want to be in this,
and then she was in it
a little bit,
and now it's like we've created
a monster who
not only wants to be
in every shot,
wants us to be shooting
all the time,
but then after she shoots,
we talk about it for six hours.
It's-- Yes.
Uh, we bought this towel here.
And you have to--
During the rainy season,
the towels don't dry.
They stay humid all the time.
They get that mildewy smell.
So we bought this towel,
and it's one of those towels
that rejects water.
Like, it's--
it's treated with something
so that you dry yourself
after a shower
and you're just as wet
as when you started.
And I'm so pissed off about this
that I'm going to set the towel
on fire in protest.
All right, here it is.
This is the exciting moment.
Does it feel good?
No.
It's kinda depressing.
-I thought
it was gonna feel good.
-Hmm.
Should we burn
other things we don't like?
No.