Parents (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

1 So it's ready? Great.
When can I pick it up? Yeah, sure, I can hold.
Len, guess who I'm on the phone to.
Nick, we both know that phone is not connected.
No, no, no, no, I've got a SIM card now and £10 on it.
I am on the phone to a scientist a scientist that I have commissioned to brew the first test batch of Excelsior, the executive energy drink.
Really, Nick? I'm genuinely impressed! I mean, that shows a certain tena Yep, still here.
OK, so you've got double French, then PE.
OK, well, I'll pop by at break! What age is this scientist of yours? Well, that, Len, is the beauty of it.
He's 13.
See, catch them BEFORE the PhD.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "What's Len's part in all this?" No, actually, I wasn't thinking that.
I would like you to have the honour of being the first person to ingest Excelsior.
Ingest? Whilst I note down what it does and doesn't do for your physical and mental wellbeing.
Thank you for thinking of me, Nick.
I have to say no.
Come on, there's nothing to worry about! I mean, it's a load of blooming Eurocrats, a load of red tape about compliance Nick, you're not listening.
No! Hello, Mrs Pope.
What you doing? Just polishing up the old curriculum vitae.
I'm going to drop it off at a few - eek! - temping agencies.
Is it too much to say I was social secretary of the tennis club? What tennis club? Yeah, it is, isn't it? I'm just popping out to pick up Excelsior 1.
0.
Will you be in when I get back? I don't know.
Take your keys.
I haven't got any.
What? I was never given a set.
You were never given a set of house keys? It's not a problem.
Truth be told, this is the first time I've gone out unattended since we moved here.
Dad.
What? Have you not given Nick a set of keys? There's no need, is there? You have a set Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Well, Amir is hardly a stranger, is he? If you can't trust Her Majesty's Royal Mail, who can you trust? Well, you could trust my husband, the father of your grandchildren! You see, I just wonder, is Nick necessarily a set-of-keys sort of man? Dad, please show my husband a bit more respect.
Morning, Jenny, love.
While I've got you, that's where we keep the hoover.
I'll just Right.
Have you seen in Sam and Becky's room? Mum, would you like me to hoover Sam and Becky's bedroom? I don't know, love.
It's not for me to tell you how to live your life! I will never let anyone read you, even when publishers inevitably offer me huge amounts of money.
'So excited! Tina and I have managed to get tickets 'to see easily the best band of all time - Bros! 'Tina's looking forward to seeing Matt Goss 'but I'm looking forward to seeing Luke Goss.
'They have the same DNA, but Luke is better-looking 'and you can tell he'd be kinder to animals if he met one.
'I'd already had permission from Dad to go, but then Mum decided 'it was too far away and made me give the ticket to Lisa! 'Give! Not even sell!' So unreasonable! 'So unreasonable! 'Mum says my skirt's too short and I have to wear something much dowdier! 'She actually used the phrase! 'Mum said no! 'Mum totally embarrassed me in front of Kwame! 'Mum! Mum! Mum! 'FW de Klerk! Mum! 'Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum.
Mum!' I want a lock on my bedroom door.
You got a problem with that? Well, love, if that's what you want.
You've changed your tune! Oh, and AND I want a phone line in my bedroom.
But I don't understand, you've got your iPhone.
You're so unreasonable! Why don't you want me to be happy?! I do want you to be happy, love! Well, answer me this - can I go to the Radio 1 Roadshow, yes or no? Well, no.
Ha! Can you give me one good reason why not? As I recall, they wound the Roadshow down in the mid-1990s.
It's just excuse after excuse with you! Right, I think I'm going to drink an Earl Grey and listen to The Archers.
It all starts here, Alma - my first bottle of Excelsior.
Ooh, very posh! I know.
I feel like Richard Branson handling his first jar of pickle! "Dear Diary, so excited.
"We're all going to a roller disco on Saturday.
" Yes, that's going to be brilliant! "Can't stop thinking about Luke Goss.
"He's so lovely.
"I really wish that I was married to Luke Goss.
" Who is this Luke Goss? Jennifer? Jenny, love, can I have a serious word? Yeah, sorry about, you know before, Mum.
I've just found this.
I'm not going to tell your father about this because it'd break his heart.
You know how he feels about smoking.
Smokers - and I mean this absolutely literally are worse than high-ranking nancies! Neil, he's back again.
Yeah.
I know.
I can explain.
There's no need to explain, Jenny, it's quite clear to me, you've been far too soft on the girl.
What? Becky.
Now, I've bitten my tongue so far but the poor girl's had no discipline and now, through no fault of her own, this.
Off the rails.
Yes.
Course, it was Becky who d-done the smoke.
What are you going to do about it? I'm going to come down on her like a big old ton of bricks! I'm going to deal with it! But will you deal-with-it deal with it or just, you know, pull a Jenny? 'Curse you, Luke Goss!' Hi, Mum.
Hi, Nan.
Hello, love.
All right? Er, Becky, could I have a word, please? I'm not going to beat about the bush.
You're in trouble.
Now, we both know what for, so let's not insult each other's intelligence but IT STOPS NOW! 'kay? Right, let's say no more about it.
Sorry, what stops now? We'll say no more about it.
But, suffice to say, there will be punishment to be discussed later.
As in now! Pocket money stopped until further notice.
And grounded for one times two, two weeks months? No, two weeks, grounded for two weeks! House keys, please! Thank you! Your father can have these.
That's right, young lady, you're now less trusted than your own father.
This is so unfair.
What am I supposed to have done? Puffing on the fags! Blazing up the Benny Hedgehogs! What? But I've not I found the evidence outside, honey! Who else is it supposed to be? I mean, it's not your granddad, it's not your nan, and it sure as hell ain't me! That would be mental.
Could be me.
Don't be stupid, Sam.
God, I hate you! Bit harsh on the girl, Jenny, love.
God, I hate you! Luke Goss! I am looking for a Luke Goss! Now, which one of you ugly sons of mothers is Luke Goss? You know, I'd hate to think that anyone is being brave and protecting Luke Goss! Anything might happen! Oops! Well, if anyone gets an attack of "the remembers" I'm going to be over there for the next ten minutes on the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire machine.
Nick, what are you doing out here? No keys.
How long have you been out there? A couple of hours.
Well, come on in, you're soaked! Ta-da! Got you your very own set of keys.
I'll just Are you all right? Has something happened? I'm going to sleep now, Jenny.
OK.
Dad? Mmm? Listen I'm concerned about Nick.
Oh, thank God, me too.
I mean, where do I start? He was acting really oddly last night.
I think something's upset him.
Oh.
Right.
Yes, no, that's what I was talking about as well.
Did anything happen between you two yesterday? Well, we had a slight disagreement about whether or not I should test his fizzy drink.
I fell into the no camp.
Yes, that'll be it.
Oh no, surely he wouldn't be upset by something as silly as that, would he? Dad, would you do me a favour? Would you test his drink for him, please, for me? All right, poppet, for you.
And I've given him a set of keys.
I wonder Ah-ah.
No, no, fine.
Fine.
Hello! Have you had some breakfast? Can I get you anything? Anything? Pancakes with bacon on, like in America? No rules! Skewered fruits? Chips? I'm sure they'll have a cup of water for me at school.
I've got to pop by Chrissie's, so I can give you a lift.
How's that sound? Look, someone's dropped a 20! It's not mine, so I'm just going to leave that there so whoever wants can just pick it up.
Hey-ho, partner! How we diddling? What's the plan for today, then, eh? Well, this lady is selling a plate she found in her house.
She wants to get 40 quid for a new tabard.
Good.
Right.
Come on now, let's get cracking on that business of yours.
Now, what was it you wanted me to do yesterday? It was drink your drink.
Test Excelsior, the executive energy drink.
That's it! Come on! You know, when I'm feeling blue, I always throw myself into my work.
That's the best medicine! Yeah, you're right, Len, as per.
I guess I'll just have to be one of those lonely billionaires, living alone in a hotel suite with the curtains drawn and weird, long fingernails.
P-P-P-Penny for your thoughts.
What are you thinking? I was just thinking about how pathetic it is when people try to buy the affection of others.
Can be.
Yes, that's a fair comment.
And how usually when someone does that, it's because they're feeling guilty? Mmm? Maybe because they've done something bad and then blamed someone else.
OK, so, take a few sips, I'll record your behaviours, and then I'll make loads of money and I'll spend it all on myself, alone.
Right, let's get this over with.
Oh, sorry, I was meant to ask, are either of you allergic to chillies, almonds, Echinacea, penicillin or dog hair? Jenny, you must read this book after me.
I love it.
It's by a lady whose daughter died.
It's brilliant.
Yeah, that does sound good.
Do you know what happened after the daughter died? This lady, she'd never planted daisies or dandelions in her garden, but the very next spring, they grew everywhere! It was her daughter sending her a message from the beyond.
Cryptic buggers in the afterlife, aren't they? Isn't it beautiful? They're still in touch, even though one of them lives in space with Jesus.
Mmm.
Yes.
Nothing in this universe is as strong as the bond between mother and daughter.
So, Alma, are you feeling more businessy? What would you rather do, fax the report or polish the brass spaniel? Still the polishing, if I'm honest, Nick, love.
Damn it! Damn it to hell and home! I'm feeling quite a few side effects, digestively speaking, if that's of any use? Mummy? What? Mummy, we love you.
Aw, great! Jenny, did you hear that? Yeah! Melody, do you feel that way as well? We love you very much.
Aw! Did Mummy coach you to say that? No.
Didn't have to.
Right.
Good.
So do you feel more energised? Yes! More focussed? Yes! More incentivised? Oh, yes! Give me something to alphabetise.
Tools! The spices! I could do the spices.
Ah-ha! It works! Into my web, little fly.
I can't believe I've gone so long without polishing the ceiling.
What must you think of us, Nicholas? Yes! Hi! I'm home! The kids are not back yet, are they? Mum, what are you doing? I'm pruning, Jenny! I'm pruning the curtains so they grow back more lustrous.
On the contrary! Plates of rhubarb.
Mother was livid! You know, I've just realised I didn't dress in alphabetic order.
It should be trousers THEN underpants, shouldn't it? T then U.
I mean, anything else is anarchy! Nick, what's going on here? I don't know, Jenny.
Maybe one of us is moving on.
What are you talking about? Why don't you run along and ask Luke Goss what I'm talking about? Luke Goss?! Luke Goss, the 1980s pop star from the band Bros? Nice try, Jenny.
That's Matt Goss.
No, well, Nick, they're they're brothers.
Hence Bros.
What, you mean? So they're? Jenny, that's brilliant! I thought he was from modern times and you were in love with him! You thought I was in love with Luke Goss? Why? No reason.
Certainly nothing to do with invading your privacy.
The point is, everything is absolutely fine.
Nick! I can smell my thoughts! Why is Nana cutting the curtains? Ah, yes, me and the gang, we've been testing out the Excelsior recipe and it turns out it's just a bit trippier than Lucozade.
What? What? Soup? Good luck with this! Sam, I need you to keep an eye on Nana and Granddad.
Nick, you hide the sharps.
I just need two minutes with Becky.
No, Nana! No! OK, Becky, it WAS me that smoked the cigarette.
And I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I let you take the blame and I'm sorry that I punished you.
I'm going to do the right thing.
I'm going to tell Nana and Granddad that it was me, when they're lucid.
It's not going to be pretty, but I'll take what's coming.
Very nice, Mum! Very Neighbours.
But there is a third way.
What do you mean exactly? I think I could be persuaded to carry the can, if adequately compensated.
Double your pocket money? Quadruple.
You're dreaming.
I look forward to Granddad's reaction when Triple? Done.
And I want ten "get out of family function" wildcards.
I can do you five "get out of family function" wildcards.
Seven.
Deal.
I'm sorry.
Please don't start smoking.
I need you around.
I can't be stuck on my own with this lot.
I love you, Becky.
I love you too, Mum.
Could you maybe say that in front of Chrissie at some point? No.
Trousers again! Right, shall we go sort them out, then? Can you put that away, please, Dad?