Parks and Recreation s01e04 Episode Script

TOM So, we've been called out to this hiking trail because there's some reports that some teenagers are digging bags of dog poop out of the trash and having dog poop fights.
I don't believe it.
Oh, my God.
It's real.
Uh Yeah, I'm not gonna go deal with this.
I'm leaving.
Hey! Hey! Hello? Boys! I am Leslie Knope.
I work for the Department of Parks and Recreation.
Nice! Okay, all right.
Cool it! Okay.
Get her shoes! No! That's disgusting! What are you doing? Help! Help! Help! Tom! Tom! No! Smells so bad! Why would you think this was fun? Really? Oh, really? Really? Oh, hey! Hey! You like it? Boom! Okay, here we go.
Who wants it? Whoo, missed it! Yeah! Actually, this is a little fun.
This is fun.
Get her hair! Oh.
Ooh.
Hey, Tom.
Check it out.
Norton Construction just sent this over.
Whoa, mama! I love Great Lakes wine.
You can have the wine.
I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.
No, no, no, no, no! You know as well as I do that we are not allowed to accept gifts over $25, for corruption reasons.
We live in a fish bowl and the public is always watching.
That's why I go two towns over if I want to rent a movie with nudity in it.
Mmm.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that.
But you cannot enjoy this basket, I'm so sorry.
And so to avoid temptation, I am gonna lock it up.
When you're in government, there's a million ways to exploit your power.
Have I ever given in to that temptation? No, never.
I'm not that kind of politician.
Official Parks and Rec business.
Just need to grab a quick hot dog.
Sorry about that, little girl, you can have the next one.
TOM I have a moral code, and I never violate it.
People look at me and they say, "Wow, Tom.
"You are so pure, you're like a brown Superman with a beard "that just stands for justice and truth and the American way.
" So, Ann.
I asked April to create one of those social network Internet profiles for the Sullivan Street pit.
So, are you guys ready for the debut? Yes, can we cut that red ribbon around your monitor now? Absolutely.
I love a good ribbon cutting.
Oh.
April, that's good.
Yeah.
Kids.
Hey, look, the pit already has six friends.
Oh, yeah.
Mark.
Mark's a friend.
Well, you guys gotta see Mark's profile.
Look at the photos of these ladies on his page.
Wow.
Ew! Sick.
Maybe those are his relatives.
Yeah, maybe fake boobs run in his family.
Look at this lady.
She's got a thong on her face.
Oh, my God, his favorite movie is Dances With Wolves.
Okay, we're good.
We'll keep checking in on this.
Where is Mark, anyway? Attending yet another meeting of the old boys' club.
LESLIE Politics is full of boys' clubs, formal and informal.
Behind me are all the members of the city council over the past 30 years.
And every day, as a woman, I have to walk past this wall of men.
It can be very upsetting.
Especially because of that guy.
No matter what direction I move, he's always staring at my chest.
Hmm.
See? What are they doing out there? Wheeling and dealing.
Divvying up the empire.
Oh, my wife got me this shirt.
She swears it makes me look thinner.
It kind of does.
You know what we should do? Let's go out there.
Let's bust up that old boys' club.
We're doing great work in the government.
We deserve to be included.
Sure, yeah.
I could use a beer.
Yes, Ann! That's good, think like a man.
April, we're leaving, you're in charge.
And it's because you're a woman! What, do you really like red tape and uphill battles? Hey, Leslie! Hey! What is up? I'll tell you what's up.
A couple of ladies are coming to bust up your little boys' club.
Awesome.
Glad to have you.
Let me get you a beer.
We're in.
Hey, I'm Brian.
Hi, Brian, Leslie Knope.
Deputy director of Drink that.
Okay.
I'm Ann, everyone.
I don't work here.
Hey, Ann.
Steve.
So, what are you guys talking about? What's the topic du jour? Oh! Did you hear that? That was the sound of a glass ceiling being shattered.
LESLIE The boys' club is more about socializing than work, you know? I mean, you gotta loosen up.
I kind of feel like I'm already in the boys' club.
I mean, look at those bitches clean up after me.
So, is this, like, your regular Tuesday night scene? Well, it's just a way to unwind, you know.
Mmm-hmm.
Really different from your Friday night crowd, right? What crowd? You know, the girls with the tribal back tattoos who drink Red Bull for a living.
Oh! Oh, I like this.
This is banter.
That crowd.
Banter's fun.
Where'd that come from? We were just on the computer, looking at your profile.
You know, you have a friend who has a tattoo that says, "Daddy's Girl.
" And both words are misspelled.
Ooh! Mixing it up with the boys! So What are you gonna say? What's your comeback? Those aren't really my friends anymore.
I don't hang out with them.
Oh, boo.
Brendanawicz, that's some weak sauce.
You need to hit harder! Natalie, it's your sister.
Pick me up or I'm gonna draw all over your jeans.
Well, it's official, people.
We're out of beer.
That's the cue.
See you later, Leslie.
It was nice hanging out, you know, after work hours.
Wait! I think I'm gonna take off, too.
Yeah, I should go, Leslie.
Wait, you guys! Let's keep this good feeling going.
It's just getting started! Uh, yeah, 'cause parties usually get started when you run out of booze.
Okay, wait.
Just hold on a second.
I got wine! Hey! And cheese! Hey! Good morning.
Last night, in a foolish attempt to infiltrate a boys' club, I violated the government employee ethics code of the state of Indiana.
I have always tried to live my life in an ethical way, and last night, I failed.
I realize I have let down every female public official in America, and I would like to apologize to them, right now, individually, and in alphabetical order.
Michele Bachmann, Republican, Minnesota.
I am sorry.
Tammy Baldwin, Democrat, Wisconsin.
I'm so sorry, Tammy.
Melissa Bean.
Okay.
Double shift, remember? So I won't see you till tomorrow.
Are you gonna be okay? Oh, yeah.
I got dinner.
Oh, God.
Honey, can you just clean up a little bit? I'll try.
Don't expect much.
Okay.
I'll do it when I get home.
You will? Yes.
Yes.
AND Y Ann is amazing.
She takes care of me, she takes care of sick people, sick babies.
She is an angel.
And I seriously love her.
Hard.
She's going to be gone for the next 24 hours so I made this list and basically this place is gonna be like a sparkling palace when she returns.
I took a bunch of painkillers.
They're about to kick in so I'm ready to go.
There it is.
Let's clear the air.
Last night, I opened up this gift basket, for my own pleasure.
Really.
Leslie Knope.
Usually such a prudish stickler for the rules.
I'm not happy about it either, Tom.
It's like I don't even know you anymore.
Last year you wrote me up for making personal phone calls to my mom.
Yes, I did.
And I would do it again.
Two wrongs do not make a right.
Yes, but she was in the hospital.
I did not know that at the time.
So, can I have the basket? No, I'm sorry.
It's evidence.
It's a nice basket.
What would you put in there? I don't know.
Potpourri? That's a lot of potpourri.
Hey, I am not the one on trial here.
I appreciate and thank you in advance for your unwavering support.
I think you should go to jail.
Think about what you've done.
Go to jail? What's going on? Ron, I have a very important and very long story to tell you.
Put it in an e-mail? Nope.
It happened right out there, right outside this window.
Why can't I look away? Let's not blow this out of proportion.
I will blow this in proportion! The minimum punishment for this is an official reprimand from the city manager.
It's not that big a deal.
Maybe in your world it isn't a big deal.
You're a white Protestant man with a full, rich mustache.
But I am a woman and I need to hold myself up to a higher standard.
This is ridiculous.
You're punishing yourself more than anybody else is gonna punish you.
No.
What do you suggest we do? You think we should cover this up? No, I'm not saying that.
No one said cover-up.
Good, because the cover-up is worse than the crime.
When you spill something and you try to wipe it up with something that's dirty, then you get double dirty.
Please don't make this worse.
Oh, my God.
Good afternoon.
Since we last spoke, I have taken extraordinary steps to make further amends for the mistakes that I have made.
LESLIE I have written a full confession, which I will be e-mailing to everyone in the entire Pawnee government.
I've also attached a link to the pit's web page, just to remind people of all the good work that I do.
I asked Ron to blow the whistle on me, and he refused.
And that is why I had to whistle-blow myself.
AND Y I wish I could say some of this mess was Ann's, but it's all mine.
I'm kind of a nester.
Huh? Not bad for a guy with two broken legs.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm doing a little experiment tonight to see what will get me drunker.
Drinking wine Leslie.
Come here.
See what April put on the pit's web page.
Right now, drinking wine is winning Oh, my God.
What am I looking at? A video of me drinking some of that wine you stole.
What? Why did you do this? Because I was waiting for my sister and I was bored, and my hair looked really good.
And you put it in the pit's web page? Yeah.
Okay, take this off.
Okay.
I just sent an e-mail to everyone in the government, and I put a link to this page! A young law-breaker.
A future Leslie Knope.
Play it again for us, Jerry.
You got it.
Leslie? She's 19 years old.
I thought I told you not to make this worse.
And I heard you loud and clear.
But then you made it worse.
The disciplinary committee is having a hearing tomorrow, and you're gonna have to testify.
Oh, no.
April might get dismissed.
You could get fired.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
This bench is so uncomfortable.
Ow.
Help.
Please, Ron.
Ron.
Ron, tell me it's gonna be okay.
Tell me it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna Ron? Where are you? It's It'II Hang in.
Ron! Okay.
You're okay.
Good evening.
I've spoken to you a couple of times about something that happened, but I don't want to I don't want to talk about it anymore.
So, the disciplinary committee awaits.
Feeling good? Feeling strong? Not really.
No.
Do you want me to run some test questions with you? Maybe give you an idea of what the disciplinary committee will be like? Yeah, that'd be great.
Yeah, thanks, Tom.
Okay.
So, Miss Knope, you're accused of stealing wine.
How many drinks do you have per week, on average? Zero.
Zero to six.
I'm gonna write down 10.
Yeah.
Do you ever cheat on your taxes? No, no, no.
Never.
Good.
You're doing great.
How many sexual partners have you had in the last year? Are they gonna ask that? This is a deposition-style hearing, Miss Knope.
Nothing is off-limits.
You have to answer.
Now, how many sexual partners have you had in the last year? Zero to six.
Zero.
Have you ever thought about Ron sexually? What? Including dreams.
Have you ever had a sexual dream about our boss, Ron Swanson? No! Absolutely not.
No.
Yes.
No.
Now, in this recurring dream that you have about Ron, is he like a regular Ron, or is he half-Ron, half-animal, like a centaur? What? No Is he wearing a football uniform? Are you making love to him on a couch shaped like his mustache? Is he covered in Powerade? No, okay.
Time-out.
Time-out.
This committee doesn't take time-outs, Miss Knope.
Now answer the question! I need something to drink.
How about some stolen wine? No.
I meant water.
Thank you for your time, Miss Knope.
You're fired.
So, that's kind of your worst-case scenario, you know? If you can handle that, I think you'll be fine.
Great.
LESLIE Ron, thank you for being here with me today.
I'm your department head.
I have to be.
Nonetheless.
MAN Miss Knope? LESLIE Yes.
MAN You're here because you allegedly accepted a gift of over $25 and contributed to the delinquency of a minor.
Can you tell us what happened? I'm gonna take a glass of water first, if I may.
Certainly.
Sorry.
"Two days ago, "I attended an informal boys' club meeting for the very first time.
"After one and a half beers, "awash in the glow of acceptance "into this elite, exclusive club " Sorry, what club is this? A couple city planners like to drink beer in the courtyard on Tuesday nights.
No one is supposed to drink alcohol on government property.
That's not my department.
Go ahead, Leslie.
"I made a very unwise decision.
"A decision that will live in infamy.
"I opened a gift basket of wine and cheese.
"Our intern, April Ludgate, "drank some of that wine without my knowledge.
"That was never part of the plan.
"She had not been invited to the meeting of the boys' club.
"I repeat, not been invited.
"Though it is my hope that someday, she lives in a world "where the very idea of boys' clubs is ancient history.
" But you did open the gift basket.
And the intern did drink the wine.
Please don't blame her for my mistake.
The biggest crime we could commit here would be to destroy a teenage girl's passion for local government.
There's only one more thing I need to clean, me.
Um, I can't really get into a shower, so I got this idea from my parents.
This is how they clean their dog.
Do you like that? Huh? I wrote that for Ann.
It's gonna be playing when she walks through the door today.
And check this out.
Washed my shorts.
How do you like that? Hey.
Turn that down.
No.
I wrote that song.
I don't care.
Turn it down.
What are you doing in my yard, Lawrence? Get out of here.
Okay, you know what? I'm taking this.
Put down my boom box.
It's my boom box now.
I asked you nicely.
You did not ask me nicely! Put that down! I just put 12 new batteries in that thing! Lawrence, come on! What's going on out here? Give it to me! Come on.
Go back inside, Hank.
Miss Knope, what was the first thing you did when you arrived at work the next day? Can you go over the time line for us once more? Yes, of course.
I awoke at 6:21 a.
m.
After a fitful night of sleep We've been over this.
What more could you guys possibly want her to do? Well, we don't know yet.
Frankly we've got a lot more questions.
Ron, it's okay.
No, it's not.
This is not communist China.
You cannot make her whip herself.
You cannot make her wear a hair shirt.
We weren't planning on doing either of those things.
This is America.
You want to live in North Korea, you can live in North Korea.
I don't want to.
I want to live in America.
Leslie has never broken a rule in her life, to the point that it's annoying.
If you want to slap her on the wrist, go ahead.
If you want to do anything more serious, you're gonna have to go through me.
Let's go.
Are we done? We're done, let's go.
So, after all that, it's really not that bad.
You're gonna get a letter in your file.
Ron, I just wanted to say thank you, so Don't worry about it.
No, I didn't do it for Leslie.
I did it because I hate bureaucracy.
My idea of a perfect government is one guy, who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke.
The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon.
And women are brought to him, maybe, when he desires them.
LESLIE Oh, hey, Ann.
You're here.
ANN Yeah, I came from the hospital.
How'd it go? I don't want to be overdramatic, but today felt like and the absolute worst day of my life.
Oh, God.
I never should have opened that stupid basket.
Yeah.
Why did you open that basket? It doesn't really seem like you.
I think it's 'cause I wanted to shatter the glass ceiling.
You know what I mean? And just kind of infiltrate the boys' club.
Hmm.
I did it for a guy.
Oh! Yeah.
Mark.
Oh.
Oh.
Wow.
I We had a brief affair in February of 2004.
And there's still something very complicated between us, so Yeah.
Sure.
Yeah.
Smart woman.
Iffy choice in men.
But then again, I'm not one to talk.
What do you think? Andy.
This is so sweet.
It's nothing.
What happened to you? Oh, I was chasing our neighbor who's a total jagweed and I fell in some prickly bushes.
Doesn't matter.
What do you think of the house, huh? Were you totally surprised? Yeah.
Do you love it? Yeah.
Here, baby.
Sit down.
I'm gonna put something on those scratches.
Somebody is getting gently laid tonight.
Andy! God! You look like you need one of these.
Come on.
You're over 21.
You're not supposed to be drinking on government property.
Loosen up.
You're gonna drive yourself crazy trying to follow every single rule in government.
Mark, I have a letter in my file.
I got seven letters in my file.
Pretty much every guy in city planning has a bunch of letters.
So, welcome to the team.
Look out, boys.
I'm in your club now.
I'm in your club.
I'm in your club.
I'm in your club.
I'm in your club.
I'm in your Mmm.
Creepy.