Perfect Couples s01e04 Episode Script

I'm leaving.
- If you get wasted, take a taxi.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Showtime.
- Muah.
- Have fun.
Two hours.
Don't waste it.
Booze, flick, grub.
Go! - Hey, honey.
You going to be okay on your own? - Oh, yeah, I'll be fine.
Once I move your lady magazines And get my workout on.
- Okay.
- All right, bye, baby.
come on.
All right.
Let's do it.
I did not know they broke up.
- Nothing wrong with that.
- Wine.
No, beer.
Sandwich.
Apocalypse now.
Pizza.
Pay-per-view porn.
Scotch! - Awesome banker.
Beatles at Shea stadium.
Dave.
- Wow.
What are you doing at the beach, girl? - Vodka.
Firecrackers.
Sportscenter.
French fries.
Weed.
Van Halen.
- Hey, babe.
- Thank god you're home.
- the secret to the life you wanted it's all true someone's got to do it now we have the facets working we've got through all we need is you - It's on us, y'all.
- What? The hell it is.
What is wrong with you? You spend our money like you're in a rap video.
- Half of it is mine and if I want to make it rain, I will make it rain.
- Oh, girl power.
Can I get a what what? - what what? - you got to stop the spending.
You're out of control.
You're like Dave with his eating.
- Huh? - The way you plowed through that steak Fork down between bites, bro.
- I didn't even finish that whole thing.
- Yeah.
Leaving behind the steamed broccoli Showed great restraint.
- Come on, man.
- Speaking of which, Did you get your cholesterol results back? - Uh, uh, I did.
They were-- you know Dr.
Sullivan.
He's a bit of a hysteric.
- Really? Because he was great with me With my psychosomatic epstein-barr, Which is the most dangerous kind because it resides solely In the mind.
What is the ldl number? Uh, 175.
- Oh, my god.
- Dave.
- Guys, I really don't know if this is a huge deal.
- It is.
Your heart's gonna explode.
You're gonna make my sister a widow And I don't want leigh to see that.
- You know what, if I'm such a huge mess, Why can I, from a standing position mind you, Jump onto this table right now? - Table jump? We got a table jump! - Oh! Are we doing drunk sports Stu? 'cause I can do a flip.
- Everybody sit down.
What, is this a white-trash-off? Sorry.
- You know, Dave, You seem to have a lot of pent-upMan energy.
- I do? - We have a place For gentlemen to go to release that energy.
I'm talking about Drum roll please - The man cave.
Are your eyes closed? - No.
- Okay, now open them.
Boom.
How sweet is this? - Oh, cool, dude.
- It's like man narnia.
Step through the looking glass.
- Actually, I think it's a wardrobe, big guy.
- Didn't know that one.
I was too busy playing sports and getting laid in high school.
That's the kind of smack that's gonna fly around here.
Rex draws first blood.
- So, uh, how'd you get leigh to agree to this? - Agree to it? She suggested it.
- I put the international beers here.
The spittoon there.
And I think it's naughtier If we hide the german porn.
- Straight sword or samurai? - Samurai.
Bundeslag? Your wife bought that? - She read an article that said men need a place To be men so we built this man cave for us men.
And, of course, Vance, you're welcome too.
Boom! Two for Rex.
Hey, guys, remember edward forty hands? - Why were our shirts off? - 'cause it's awesome.
Guys, let's lose these yuppie straightjackets And call in sick.
Who's tapin' up? Deja vu, bitches.
- Well, the girls are outside waiting for us I think so - And it's Tuesday and we're 30.
- Not in here.
In here it's Saturday and we're 18! - Night, buddy.
Table jump achieved.
- Didn't ask for it.
I can't believe your cholesterol is that high.
What did the doctor say? - He said there's nothing I can do about it.
- Well, what about changing your diet? - Well, except for that.
Did you not just see the table jump? - Okay, listen, jackass, I love you.
And I need to wring, like, 60 more good years Out of you.
When you screw with your health, You screw with me.
- Well, you listen to me, jackAss I love you and I don't want you to worry about me.
So, yes, I will watch what I eat.
- Good.
- All right.
that's my bacon.
I'll go tell him the bad news.
- Can I just, like, hold one of your bags So I feel like I'm shopping? Oh, that's the stuff.
- But why don't you just buy something For yourself? Like these shoes.
- I promised Vance I would cut back.
You don't understand.
I can't buy just one thing.
I'm compulsive.
look what I bought.
- Did you at least get the tennis balls? - Amy, you and I are first generation americans.
- Actually, I'm from Louisiana.
- We need to act like we belong here.
Buy big or go home.
I saw this one first.
And then I saw these.
This one's coming with me.
Ma'am, can I get a dressing room? - All right, let's give this another shot.
Last time, less than strong.
Hopefully tonight you guys got your "a" cave game.
How's your snack jones? Can I get you a soft pretzel with melted cheese? - What are you doing? You know Dave's got no self-control.
- Yes.
Dave's a train wreck.
A slave to his simian appetites.
But once he walks through that door I don't even have to finish that sentence.
- Knock knock.
I'm not looking.
Keep your pants off.
- Why would our pants be off? - 'cause it's awesome.
- I thought you guys might want Some chex mix and tequila.
- Too cool.
- What? skin mags? You boys.
That is out-of-bounds.
- I'm calling it.
This is weird.
- Yo, what do you mean you're calling it? - This whole thing feels forced.
- Yeah.
I feel an intense pressure To be classic.
- But you are classic.
We're all classic.
- See you, buddy.
- No.
Yeah, take some-- as much as you want.
This thing's gonna be going late If you guys change your mind.
- They probably just had to run off and buy some tampons.
- Good smack, babe.
You're on the board.
- It's not that I don't trust you To cook healthy for Dave, it's just-- - You think I don't know how.
- You're a career woman.
And that's valid.
But you're barely at home And never in the kitchen.
You know, Dave's a latchkey husband.
- Okay, I need some spinach for a salad.
you can't buzz spinach.
- Personally, I would go with kale.
But if you insist on spinach, At least get a decent bunch.
Look at the leaves.
This is market 101.
Bob, I apologize.
- Okay, Vance, no one's more worried About Dave's health than I am.
- Really? Are you doing everything you can To keep him healthy? How is the sex? - As always, none of your business.
- A german medical journal recently concluded That sex is an amazing cardio workout.
- Hmm, Bundeslag is not a medical journal.
Yeah.
Dave referenced the same article.
- Hey.
I am counting on you in the bedroom.
I can't be as vigilant in that department.
- "as" vigilant? - The female form is a powerful tool When used as a carrot of distraction.
When Dave reaches for his beloved chips ahoy!, Present yourself.
Who knows, you might invite Im zumsammenhang into your bed.
True intimacy.
Bob, this could be the last time I come around, man.
This is It's not acceptable.
- I knew you guys would come back.
- Heard this is a ace where anything goes.
- Just a bunch of guys keeping it real.
Can't really comment.
- I need to hide these bags from Vance.
- That's a bad idea.
This has become, like, hang central For the lesser sex.
- Vance isn't coming back here.
- Why not? - Because he doesn't get the man cave.
But I do.
This is a place where secrets are safe.
- 'cause it doesn't judge.
Should I allow you in? It's a tough question.
On the pro side, I love that you're keeping something From your partner.
That's very cave.
Con--and it's a big one-- you're a girl.
I thought leigh had dulled this.
I'll do it.
I'll hide the bags.
- Oh, thank you, Rex.
- The cave wants to evolve.
- I love this tune.
- I've had it on repeat for three hours.
- Can you turn it up? - I don't know.
Can you join me in a shot of tequila? - I don't know.
Can you light it on fire? Is this chewing tobacco? - It ain't bubble gum, sweetheart.
- Okay, so I left you a big salad in the fridge.
- Aw, thanks.
Although I am stuffed from that half cup of grapes That I had for snack.
Come on.
You're late.
Let's go.
- Oh, honey, I wish I didn't have to go out.
I am so proud of how you're embracing This new diet.
- Well, I am proud of you, honey.
- Hey, Dave.
- Secret pizza? Really? - What? Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I think you have the wrong house, sir.
- Classic Dave.
I got the usual for you.
Large with onions and chorizo.
- Chorizo? - Portuguese sausage.
- Oh, by the way, dude, I'm gonna be out of town next week.
My cousin Stu's gonna sub for me.
Really great guy.
Told him all about you.
- Thank you, Leon.
- Later, Dave.
- Honey, I went to the market On my lunch hour.
Vance made me look stupid in front of farmers.
- Yeah, he can be brutal around those guys.
- What is wrong with you? - It is so hard.
I have all these junk food triggers.
I noticed the Trailblazers game was on.
Next thing I know, I'm speed-dialing Leon.
You think that was an easy moment? He knows about the diet.
There was judgment in his eyes.
- You know, this is really just not cool.
- The early stages of a diet are really, really hard.
The cravings.
I just need something to get me out Of the first few days.
- Whew.
- Okay.
- Pizza craving's gone.
- Good.
- You know, uh, sex always makes me wantCookies.
- Yep.
Okay.
- Oh, I love it when you do the feet.
- Not now.
They have to dry.
- I got you something.
- Why? - 'cause I love you, dummy.
And I know you've been trying hard Not to spend money.
- Really? Oh.
- It's for all your bling when we get rich.
Got it at an estate sale.
- It's ivory.
- I know how much You hate elephants.
- I do.
- God, egg whites make me want to have hash browns.
Tacos.
Mm-hmm.
- Ah.
Ah.
Oh, my god.
This thing is so good.
You want half? - It's cool if you want to use the office.
- Working late.
- I biked home.
I am so tired.
I just want a bath.
- I just saw an ad for waffles.
Room for two in that tub? - Oh, honey, no thanks.
- There's--there's a hockey game on tv, So total nacho trigger.
- Honey, I'm disgusting.
I smell.
There's bugs in my hair.
- It's just a nacho craving.
It's not like I want a gourmet meal or anything.
You have my permission to half-ass it.
- Thus concludes the worst seduction ever.
I am taking a bath and I am going to bed.
- Vance did something sweet So I have to return those clothes.
Where did I put them though? Things got a little hazy the other night.
- Your stuff's in the closet but - Wow.
- Please don't tell Julia.
- I'm out of here.
- Me too.
- What's the rush? The only thing waiting at home are rules and judgments.
Embrace this place, guys.
- Embrace it.
- Embrace it.
- I might just have one more for the road.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, how did you know it was wintergreen? That's the one that I like.
Bam.
- There we go.
Yeah! - Rehearsal dinner.
But the shoes Not so great for rehearsal dinner.
- Don't you dare return those.
I promise you, you will wear them.
- Ten more.
- we'll fly away every night we'll fly away - Oh, my god.
Nachos.
New dress.
New shoes.
And you're dipping again? - I woke up and you weren't there.
- Yeah, she called me at 11:15 to tell me you're missing.
That's really fun.
I was half out of my mind.
- Did you even notice that I was gone? - It's getting a little coed in here.
- You know what, it's fine 'cause I'm leaving.
- No.
No, don't go, sis.
The man cave doesn't want to be gender-specific.
It just wants to be cave.
- Ah.
What a mind.
- This is a betrayal dagger through my heart.
- I can't help it.
I have issues with money.
Growing up, my dad could never hold down a job.
Whenever we had money, mom said, "spend it, girls.
Spend it.
Who knows if we'll ever have it again.
" - her father worked at con ed for 30 years.
- I love these shoes.
- You are making me into a nag, Which goes completely against My artistic temperament.
I am in real estate.
I am not going to be the Julia in this relationship.
- I am not going to be the Julia of this relationship.
- Whoa.
I am not a nag.
- Yeah.
- Dave? - Uh, yeah.
I was going to jump in.
Don't confuse loud and opinionated With nagging.
- Really? That's the thanks I get? I gave you sex outside of a mail boxes, etc.
Because something smelled like chinese food.
Dave, I don't want to be the only adult In this relationship.
- That's frustrating, sis.
- Honey, I am as worried about my health as you are.
I really am.
I just--it's all-- I used to be this guy.
I could eat whatever I wanted.
And one day I wake up and I'm-- I can't eat butter.
I can't eat cookies or pizzas.
I'm--I'm--I'm like my dad.
- You're getting older and it's scary.
- Yeah.
I wish I young again.
It was so easy back then.
It was just fun.
- Bet you're not the only one Who feels that way.
- Yeah, I miss staying up all night And blowing off classes.
- I miss driving down to the shore And night swimming.
- Spreading rumors about people you hate Being pregnant.
- It is exhausting being responsible.
- Don't you just want a night off? Subconsciously, isn't that why we all came here? We're in our 30s now, guys.
How many more chances do we have to really go off? - at times I understand you and I know how hard you try - Oh! Oh, I love this song! - Oh, yeah! Yeah! - Guys, I got it.
Let me do it.
- I am liking this.
I am liking this a lot.
- Shot! Let's take shots! Ugh! - Oh! - but then the passion flares again I want to hold you till I die till be both break down and cry I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides oh yeah yeah yeah yeah subsi-- - please tell me it's Saturday.
no, honey.
It's a Wednesday.
- oh, yeah? Oh, my god.
I'm never drinking that way again.
I'm never eating that way again.
- Yeah, honey, you got really out of control last night.
Oh.
- How did this happen? Why am I wearing this? Was this some kind of dare? - Mm-mmm.
No one asked for it.
- People our age cannot handle a night like that.
- it was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well you could see that pierre did truly love the mademoiselle and now the young monsieur and madame have rung the chapel bell c'est la vie say the old folks it goes to show you never can tell - Time for work.
- Bye, hon.
- Later.