Pete Versus Life (2010) s01e04 Episode Script

This week on Pete Versus Life, the semi-professional sports writer faces a deadly combination of youth and experience.
There's self-made millionaire Barry.
He does a lot of work for charity, but he won't allow unions in the workplace.
Long-standing adversary Anna as a child she sacked her imaginary friend, because she was underperforming.
And Mum and Dad - they once met Neil Diamond after a concert, but found him dull and uninteresting.
Let's see how he gets on in Pete Versus Life.
Welcome.
I'm Colin King.
And I'm Terry McIlroy.
You join us with Pete about to watch the big game flat-screen TV, big sofa, free quality lager.
It's the dream scenario, Terry.
Well, it would be if Anna wasn't there, but then it is her flat.
But she's making an effort to join in with the lads.
Let's see if she can keep it up.
Bunny, can you get Pete a coaster, please? 'Oh! No, she can't.
' Sorry, Anna.
By the way, you haven't got any crisps, have you? No, but the radishes are delicious dipped in a bit of natural yoghurt.
No, you're all right, thanks.
'Yes, they're not the sort of snacks a young lad wants when he's watching the footie, 'but then they are more for Anna's dad's benefit.
'Two months ago, Barry underwent a heart transplant 'and has been advised only to eat zero-fat foods 'and drink prescribed energy drinks.
' What's with all the denim? Oh, it's all I had clean.
Interesting fact about denim.
The cloth originally comes from a French town called Nim.
So you get denim of Nim.
Really? Yeah.
De Nim, you see, denim.
Actually, Barry, I think it's from Nimes.
What? I think it's from a town called Nimes.
It's down in the south somewhere.
I don't think so, Pete.
I mean, then you'd get de nimes, wouldn't you? No, I'm not sure there is a Nim.
Pete, here's that coaster you were after.
Blimey, the standard of education these days! I'm an employer - this is what I have to put up with.
Oh, it's half-time.
I'm off to the loo.
Nimes bloody hell! 'Well, the game over, and as we can see from the sulk-o-meter, 'Pete's still quietly fuming about that de Nim incident.
'In fact, he's withdrawn into his iPhone.
'Isn't technology marvellous, Terry?' Do you know, Colin, if someone had told me when I was a lad that one day we'd all have phones with talking cats on, I'd have said he was mental and called the funny farm.
Indeed, although mental illness not something to be made light of.
Oh, no, exactly.
So her visa's run out.
It's the only way she can stay in the country.
Yeah, whatever, fine.
Really? That's great, Bruce.
She'll be over the moon.
Sorry? Who'll be over the moon? Minikin.
She'll be a UK citizen at last, what she's always wanted.
What? Hang on a sec Can't wait to tell her someone's agreed to marry her.
What?! You gotta be kidding.
I'm not marrying anyone.
But you just said.
It won't be for real - it's a marriage of convenience.
No, I'm sorry, Kurt.
Forget it.
Look at this, it's a talking cat.
It's a talking cat.
Go on, have a little go.
Go on, have a little go.
I'll tell you what, since I've had this heart transplant, I've had some really weird things happen.
I get a really strong sense of deja vu and I like different things now, like Schubert or spare ribs.
So what do you think's going on? Well, I was looking it up on the internet.
Apparently, it's quite common.
The thinking is that the new heart brings with it some of the memories of the donor.
That's amazing.
So how would that work, then? Well, in the past, the heart was considered to be the receptacle of the emotions.
Maybe there's something in that.
Yeah, but now we know it's not, don't we? It all comes from the brain.
Yeah, but how do you know that? Who told you that? Well, doctors and scientists.
Doctors and scientists don't know everything, do they? I mean, do you know how electricity works? I certainly don't.
There's a whole world of things out there we don't understand.
Yeah, but they do know quite a lot, don't they? And in all fairness, it was a doctor who put your heart in, not a druid.
Oh, I see.
You're one of those.
One of what? Closed off, narrow-minded, can't see the big picture.
Well, that is one way of looking at it, and the other one is that you're on very heavy medication, and it's affecting your thinking.
Listen, son, when you've discovered the mysteries of the universe, give me a call.
Till then, button it.
Calm down, Daddy.
It's annoying, isn't it? You get muppets like this with no spirituality giving it all that.
No, I'm just saying there might be other reasons for it.
Oh, I'm imagining it now, am I? Don't tell me I'm imagining it, because I'm not! Who would like a cup of coffee? I'm not saying you're imagining it - I'm just saying you're pumped full of drugs, and they probably stopped the blood supply to your brain for a good five minutes.
You're not the best person to judge.
Oi! You got a glass of water, love? Do you know what? There might be something in what you're saying, actually.
Oh, it's hot.
Shall we just talk about something else? That second goal was a bit iffy, wasn't it? Argh! Oh! Somebody call an ambulance! I'll do it.
Bollocks, I can't get the cat off! Bollocks, I can't get the cat off! Well, a truly appalling incident last night.
He's been going over it in his head and whichever way he cuts it, Colin, he's a terrible, terrible person.
Kurt? What are you doing? Just doing my isometric exercises.
What's that? Using my body's own strength to strengthen it further.
It's like my body is its own gym.
Oh, right, nice one.
Listen, you know that whole marriage thing.
If that girl still wants someone to marry her, I'll do it.
Oh, Pete, that's fantastic.
All right, it's OK.
Men do not embrace enough, you know? Absolutely extraordinary.
Aye.
Normally, Pete wouldn't give him the skin off his rice pudding.
Stop it now.
And last night's events with Barry also triggering this guilt-ridden visit to his parents.
And this is in stark contrast to his usual reasons for dropping by.
He's seen that life can be fleeting and is keen to improve his relationship with his own mum and dad.
Pete, what are you doing here? I just thought I'd pop by and see if you fancied popping out for a bit of lunch.
Are you on drugs? What? You can tell us if you are.
We saw a documentary on crystal meth.
Never had crystal meth.
A-ha, so you have had I've never had any drugs.
- Not strictly true, is it? - No indeed, Colin.
If we take a look at the latest government figures, we can see that Pete, with his occasional recreational use of every two to three months, is exactly where he should be for a lad of his age.
So well done, Pete.
And he's taken his parents to lunch at Zorba's, a Greek restaurant, as the name suggests, but interestingly, owned and run by Norwegians.
See? I mean, this is brilliant! I had no idea that my great-grandfather was run over by the first tractor in the Northwest.
I think I've already told you that about half a dozen times.
Anyway, I'm just going to the toilet.
So nice to see you.
Well, we should be closer, you know.
I mean, who knows how long you two have got left? I mean, not you.
Dad's more likely to snuff it first, isn't he? Well, hopefully, we've both got a few years yet.
Yeah, definitely.
Well, Pete's certainly making an effort to improve his relationship with his parents, but not being entirely selfless, is he, Terry? No, he popped into his mum and dad's house earlier to charge up his iPhone.
He's never been one to pass up the chance of some free electricity.
Going to have to stop you there, Terry.
Looks like Pete is quizzing his mum a bit too hard on something.
But she's your sister.
Why don't you see her any more? Just because you happen to be related to someone doesn't necessarily mean you should live in each other's pockets.
Yeah, but this is what it's all about, Mum.
Family's important.
Why don't you give her a call? Oh, leave it, Pete.
What happened, anyway? It's none of your business.
Oh, come on, tell me.
What happened? If you must know, we haven't spoken for seven years, because I was very upset about her divorce and I called her a whore.
You called her a whore? Yes.
Oh! Oh, it's all right, Mum, long time ago now.
What's he said? Nothing.
Did you know that Mum called Auntie Margaret a whore? Oh! Let's go.
Well, let's hope Pete doesn't call anyone a whore at these rather traditional-looking tearooms, where he's about to meet his citizenship-seeking bride-to-be, Minikin.
And he's looking surprisingly jolly, Terry.
Well, he's just heard that Barry's doing a lot better, and the doctors have said it wasn't a cardiac arrest, it was a cardiac incident.
Well, that is good news.
And here comes the bride.
Hello, Kurt.
Minikin or should I say Mrs Pete Griffiths? Hello.
I won't kiss you.
I've got a cold sore coming.
I'm just going to get some pieces of cake.
Isn't she great? Yeah.
Look, Kurt, mate, I don't think I can go through with this.
What are you talking about? You were fine five minutes ago.
Well you know.
What? I just thought she'd be a bit less dumpy.
Well, you can't pull out! Pull out? Is this because I'm Jewish? What? No.
It is, isn't it? It's because I'm a Jewess.
I didn't even know you were Jewish.
Oh, come off it, what else could it be? You took one look at me and you joined up all the dots, didn't you? You didn't tell me your friend was a racist.
I'm not a racist.
In fact, I can't even spot a Jewish person.
Oh, I suppose you'd like us all to wear yellow stars? Keep your voice down, will you? You've got it all wrong.
I don't think so.
You're an anti-Semite.
It's not because you're a Jew! Sorry.
Let's make this simple.
If my British residency is approved, my father will give you a cheque for £1,000.
Does that help? Actually it does, yeah.
Will you marry me? Not the most romantic proposal I've ever heard.
Well, I don't know.
I once proposed to a woman as I was driving past, didn't even stop the car.
I think technically that's a proposition, Terry.
Aye, that's the word.
So following that proposal, Pete has finally decided to visit Barry.
But ooh, what's this? A very attractive nurse.
Now, Terry, is the uniform part of the attraction? Well, it's a very interesting question, Colin.
Depends on the nurse, but I think we can see from this, if the nurse was wearing a French maid's outfit, then Pete would still be very attracted.
But interestingly, if she was dressed as a professional businesswoman or indeed a zookeeper, Pete would still be very much up for it.
Fascinating.
Pete.
Ah, hello, Anna.
How's your dad? He's a lot better, I heard.
Yes, a bit.
That's good.
I brought him some flowers and a card.
Are those from a proper florists? Yeah.
They're not from a petrol station.
Oh, Pete, that's sweet.
Thanks for coming.
Oh, hello, mate.
I was going to call you.
Do you fancy a drink tonight? Oh, yeah, great.
That'd be all right, wouldn't it, Anna? Cos your dad's so much better.
Well, if you think that would be appropriate.
Maybe we should leave it till next week.
Bunny, coffee.
Daddy, got a visitor for you.
Hi, Barry, you're looking well.
What's that toilet doing here? Shall I just? I'm joking! Ah! Very good! No, I like a man who'll stand his ground with me.
Say what he thinks is right.
Just the way I am, Barry.
I'll get a vase for these.
So, you feeling a lot better? Yeah, doctors say I'll be out in a couple of days.
That's great, Barry.
Tell you what, though.
The weirdest thing happened to me in the ambulance on the way here.
Yeah? When the paramedics were working on me, it was as though I was above myself, looking down.
I could see everything perfectly clearly.
Right, right.
It was as though my soul, or whatever you want to call it, had left my body.
OK.
Yeah, it was incredible.
I wasn't worried or in pain, it was all very serene.
I felt really peaceful.
Did you? Yeah, and there was this light and a man standing in it.
I'm not saying it was Jesus, but he had a beard and was wearing robes, and, well, I'm not gay, but he was beautiful.
Oh, right? Yeah, I think they call them out-of-body experiences.
Have you heard of them before? Yeah, I have, yeah.
So do you believe in them? Yeah.
In fact, I saw a programme on it recently.
It was really convincing.
Oh, so it's all been scientifically proven, then? Well, according to this programme on Channel Five, yeah.
Oh, that's good.
Now, to find out if there is any substance to what Barry has been saying, I'd like to bring in Britain's foremost medium Derek Acorah from Sky TV's Real Lives and ask the big question, Derek, is there an afterlife? Absolutely.
Well, good news there.
I think Peter's been handling this with great maturity.
Let's go back and see how he's getting on.
Cheers, Pete.
Oh, Quantum Of Solace.
Yeah.
What do you think of Daniel Craig as James Bond? Well, he's shit, isn't he? How do you mean? Well, he's got no humour about him, has he? I mean, all the great Bonds, they had a spark of something about them.
Well, that's because they've gone back to the books.
I mean, Fleming's original Bond was a cold, ruthless killer.
Well, that's not Daniel Craig, is it? Have you seen him run? He looks like a girl! No, I think he's pathetic.
If they don't dump him soon, he's going to kill off the whole franchise.
I think you're being a bit unfair, Pete.
Ooh! I mean, Casino Roya aaale! And Pete remembering much too late something that Anna has told him several times, which is that Barry part-financed Layer Cake, the film that secured Daniel the role as 007 and after which Barry looked on Daniel as something of a son.
Daddy! What happened? We were having a little chat, weren't we? Oh! Hey, what happened? What? Oh, he's not looking very good.
Don't worry, the best people are in there.
Your father will be fine.
Oh, no, he's not my father.
In fact, I've only met him a couple of times.
Oh.
Well, how do you know him, then? I don't, really.
It's just that hospital can be a very lonely place, can't it? That's the nicest thing I've heard all week.
You're a very kind person.
What about you? Are you a nurse, with your uniform and that? Just something I've always wanted to do.
Me too.
Oh, are you a nurse? No, I'm a sports writer.
But I write about it very positively and I try and help people that way.
Well, that's all any of us can do, and I honestly believe that God put us on this earth to help our fellow man.
God? Mm-hm.
I'm a devout Christian.
In fact, I nearly became a nun, but I like sex too much, so We should go for a coffee sometime.
He seems less guilty about the heart attack this time.
Well, it's the second one, isn't it? It's how serial killers function.
Possibly, Terry.
Bottle of house red, please.
But it's heard to imagine Peter Sutcliffe taking his mum and dad out for a nice meze.
Oi.
Don't want any nonsense, OK? This is on me.
I'm paying.
No, Peter, I'll pay.
Oh, all right.
Oh, by the way, Peter, after what you said the other day, I got in touch with Auntie Margaret.
Oh, that's great! Yeah, going round to see her next week.
Brilliant, so how about coming around and seeing me once in a while? We'd love to pop round.
And now I must just pop to the toilet.
I must say, Peter, your mum's absolutely delighted to be back in touch with Margaret.
Well done, mate.
Thank you.
Actually there's something I'd quite like to get off my chest.
Back in the early '80s, when I was still at BT, there was this office party.
There was this female colleague of mine, Mary It's all right, Dad.
And we were working very closely together Seriously, it's all right.
No, no, it's important.
She took me into the disabled toilet and performed a sex act on me.
There she is.
Looks a bit frumpy, but I expect 27 years ago, that wasn't the case.
No, Colin, that is her 27 years ago.
Oof! Back after these.
Welcome back and Pete's big day finally here.
There they are, Pete and Kurt, and Kurt in a specially chosen suit, Terry.
Yeah, taken from the colours of the national flag of Zimbabwe.
What a lot of colours to choose from.
Going to have to stop you there.
Things are happening.
Well, there she is, also resplendent in the colours of the national flag.
Doesn't she look beautiful? Well, you can't see her face.
Gliding in smoothly like a red Dalek.
All right? You look er Shall we get on? Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the wedding of Peter and Minikin.
The moment when a couple decide to formalise the bond of their love is always very special.
I believe you've written some personal vows? No.
Well, actually, I've written something for you.
Oh.
"Minikin, my love for you suffocates me, and yet I crave it like oxygen.
"When we are in union celebrating our love physically, "I don't know where you end and I begin.
We are as one.
"My love" That's enough, innit? Minikin? Your staff is like a mighty oak that guides me through the dark, but from the inside.
I'm the mother ship, and you are the probe.
You return, emptying your precious cargo that you've been building up during the week I think this is going to take a bit of time, so while we're waiting, let's give you some background on Minikin.
Minikin is of course from Zimbabwe, although her family now live in South Africa, where her father runs a baboon sanctuary.
Baboon numbers sadly have been diminishing for the past 50 years.
Well, I'm very surprised to hear that.
I would have thought baboons could look after themselves after what they did to my Jag at Woburn Safari Park.
They ripped the wipers off, man.
Going to have to stop you there, Terry.
Things are happening.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Well, not exactly the wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Di.
But let's not forget, it was a sham marriage.
You mean Pete and Minikin or Charles and Diana? Oh, good point, Terry! Do you remember where you where when you heard the terrible news about Diana? Yeah, I do, Colin.
I was in a sauna in Camden, and the manageress came in.
She was very distraught.
She was an Oriental lady, so forgive the accent, but she simply went, "Lady Di dead! Lady Di dead!" So there was no happy ending for anyone that night.
No indeed, Terry.
I was just putting a few things around the place, you know, make it look convincing.
What are you talking about? We've got to make it look good.
Immigration Office will be visiting in the next two weeks.
Why? To check up on us.
Really? You can get in a lot of trouble marrying to obtain citizenship.
Oh, you didn't bloody mention that before! That's fantastic Sorry.
And you didn't tell me you were shagging her either.
Hello, Minikin.
I heard that, you racist pig.
I'm not a racist.
And if the gloves are coming off, any sign of my thousand quid? Don't worry, you'll get your pound of flesh.
Like Shylock, who was in fact Jewish.
So who's racist now? Wow, things certainly going very well with Jenny, Pete's nurse.
I understand if you don't want to go any further.
Oh, no, no, it's fine.
Why? You must be feeling terrible about Barry.
No, he's going to be all right, isn't he? Oh, you haven't heard, have you? He's had another heart attack today.
What? Somebody gave him a "get well soon" card.
And it was a musical one and it played Fuck Tha Police by NWA.
Argh! Oh, my God.
Yes, Pete bought a batch of cards very cheaply at a car-boot sale.
They were seconds from a gift card company, where a disgruntled employee had put unsuitable musical chips into their products.
You see, that's still what's great about Britain, Colin.
If that was in America, he'd have gone in with a semi-automatic weapon and shot all his colleagues.
It was touch and go for a while, but they're pretty sure he'll be fine.
Oh, thank God for that.
Wow, it's really affected you, hasn't it? Yeah, I Oh Yeah Sometimes I feel like I might be missing a layer of skin or something.
Look at her eyes.
He's cracked it and he knows it.
And that's a very nice snake-like shimmy up the bed.
Oh, Pete.
What's this? You got married? Two days ago?! No, it's a marriage of convenience, cos I had to marry her, otherwise she would have been deported back to Africa.
Oh.
I spent a year nursing out in Ghana, so I know what it's like out in Africa.
Right, yeah, it was terrible, I expect.
So is she black? Mmm, African.
Oh, come here.
He got out of that one very smartly! And now Jenny taking the initiative.
But oh, what's this? I can't.
Why? I've just realised - we were about to commit adultery.
Were? This is against my Christian beliefs.
No, it was a sham wedding.
We got married in a registry office.
Even so, I just need time to get my head round it.
But you don't mind if we just cuddle, do you? No, not at all.
Oh, look at Pete! Gutted, filleted like a fish, sick as the proverbial.
Who's that? It's my flatmate and his girlfriend.
Minikin Is he having sex with your wife? Yep.
Minikin Nice little cuddle.
Well, a sleepless night for Pete.
He's been in that position for seven hours and he's got quite a dead arm.
Aye, Colin, there's absolutely no blood in there whatsoever.
Oh, it's the nightmare scenario - a woman with a clipboard.
That's not good news.
Wake up! Quick, wake up! Go and get dressed in the bathroom.
Why? The Immigration Office are here! Oh, time is of the essence, and he's only operating on one good arm.
Come on, Pete! He's making a bit of a meal of it.
I mean, I once played 60 minutes with a broken neck.
Hello! Oh, sorry, I was just Skypeing.
Rosemary McKenzie from the Immigration Office.
May I come in? Yeah, OK, in you come.
Is this a shared house? Yes, it is.
So you're Rosemary McKenzie from the Immigration Office? Yes.
Aw, would you like a cup of tea? Come through.
The milk in that tea could well be off, but he's got bigger things to worry about than that.
So do you have any photos of the big day? Yeah, I do, yeah.
Here we are, here we are.
Have to admit, got a bit emotional.
Oh, and here comes my lovely wife now.
What's that stupid grin for, you racist? Don't speak to me like that, you fat bitch! We always joke around like this.
This is Rosemary from the Immigration Office.
She's come to check up on us, would you believe? Come here.
Mmm, you smell lovely.
Da-da, da-da-da! How's that? Oh, sorry, didn't realise we had company.
Minikin, don't look.
This is Kurt, my flatmate.
Kurt, this is Rosemary from the Immigration Office.
Is your girlfriend still upstairs? Hmm? Is your girlfriend still upstairs? Oh, right.
She's been in the bathroom a long time, you know.
Think she's taking a dump.
Oh, don't worry about that, by the way.
We'll give it a good wash before we dry any dishes.
You've dropped something.
'Oh, woefully small pants!' Here's your knickers, darling.
I've put on a bit of weight lately.
You must understand that.
Pardon? Oh, nothing.
Oh, good dump, darling? Huh? Oh, yes, thank you.
I'll go.
You must be Pete's wife.
No! Oh, you haven't met, have you? No, this is my wife, Minikin.
Oh, excuse me.
Pete had said his wife was black.
No, African, I said.
I'm a white African Jewess.
I'll tell you what else you are as well, you are my little snuggle bunny.
Hello.
Mum, what are you doing here? You left your phone charger behind the other day.
So that's what they wear back in Africa, then, is it? Oh, sorry, I didn't realise there was a lady here.
Well, thanks for bringing this back.
Don't let us keep you, cos the roads can get a bit busy this time of the day, can't they, Dad? Yeah, we don't want to get caught in the traffic, do we? Oh, right.
Oh, I don't think we've met.
No, don't think you have.
Anyway You haven't met? Oh, how rude of me! Sorry, this is Minikin, she's from Zimbabwe.
Oh, lovely to meet you.
Hello.
So are you two good friends? Ah yeah, yeah, pretty good.
Actually, Mum, she's my wife.
What?! Yeah, we tied the old knot, didn't we, darling? That's right.
When did this happen? When was it? Um Saturday.
Why didn't you invite us? Yes, why didn't you invite your own parents? Cos we wanted to keep it low-key.
You know, just close friends, family.
We're your mum and dad.
Yeah, you are.
Yeah.
OK, the reason I didn't invite you is cos I hate you.
What? Peter! Yeah, I hate you cos you called my Auntie Margaret a whore.
That's private! Yeah, well If I'd known you'd turn out like this, I'd have smothered you at birth.
See what I mean? Come on, my love.
The A40 will be chock-a-block.
OK, all happy? Rosemary? Do you think we're stupid at the Immigration Office? Why do you say that? I'll be inviting you to a deportation hearing within the next 14 days.
What? Obviously, none of this is genuine.
Well, you're not getting your ?1,000 now, you racist pig.
You'll be hearing from us.
So you were getting paid for your so-called good deed? It was only a grand.
You've dropped a right bollock here, my friend.
May God forgive you, Pete Griffiths.
And to think I was going to gobble you off.
Jenny, wait.
We can still make it work! Well, there it is.
Hard to think of a time when he's destroyed so many relationships in such a short space of time.
That's it for tonight.
Highlights, Terry? I think it's got to be one of the heart attacks, Colin, but which one, I don't know.
Let's see 'em back.
Casino Roya aaale! Argh! Argh! Yeah, definitely Casino Royale.
Well, that's it.
Goodbye from us, and join us again next time when Pete takes on life.