Pickle & Peanut (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Sharks, swords, yogurt, kicks Fries, smart phones, hot tubs, yeah Shades, bagels, grills, airbrush, chrome Blankets, mopeds, yes Drop top, laptop, breath mints, scars Kittens, wet skis, drive thru, fresh Tight pants, wide screens, tacos, wheelies Freestyle, thrift stores, mini trampolines They call him Peanut They call him Peanut They call him Peanut Oh, yeah, gonna get a couple of those.
- Ooh, gotta get on that.
- You know it.
Definitely gonna get a piece of this.
In a major way.
This is the big one, Peanut.
A Sugar Fest to end 'em all.
Yeah, man, we're gonna get neck deep in that sugar.
How the heck are we gonna get our tickets? We have to work all day.
Hush up, butter biscuit.
We'll find a way to slip out.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Spedacular Donkey.
Hey, everybody, you know it's me.
Spedacular Donkey! Hee-haw! So you guys want some sugar? I have a cool trick to get free candies.
It's called stealing from work.
Have some patience, boys.
I just about got it.
Thanks for trying, Donkey, but we gotta start our shift.
Yeah, Mjart will want us out front to work the registers.
Don't worry about that, fellas.
Mr.
Mjart doesn't need cashiers now that he has a new self-checkout machine.
BOTH: Self-checkout machine? Hello, lovelies.
Come here and meet my joy.
Pal scan self-checkout robot.
Robot.
Yes, this is best in artificial grocer performance.
Smooch.
Well, then, why don't you three get acquainted? Azooom! ( slowly ) Hi, Pal.
I'm Pickle.
Hey, don't belittle him like that, Pickle.
He's a computer; he's super smart.
( foreign accent ) Please scan your first item.
Whoo! ( beeps ) - Heavy cream.
- BOTH: Whoa! Cream.
Cream.
Cr-cr-cream.
Let me muck about in that scanner.
Sauerkraut.
Kraut, kraut, kraut.
Kraut, kraut, kraut.
Kraaaa-ut.
( both exclaiming ) Mjart hat, artichoke.
Mjart hat, egg yolk.
Peach.
porridge, peach, porridge.
Flauta, trout, flauta, trout.
Double bacon pizza, snout.
Flauta, trout, flauta, trout.
( voice distorts ) - Oh, doggies.
- This is bad.
Geez Louise, Mjart is gonna freak.
No, man, I got this.
This just needs a fix-me-up.
Computers are simple.
It'll be like doing surgery on a dog or a child.
We just need something to bring these wires together.
Something metal-y and conductive.
Hmm.
I got just the thing.
How long have you had this? - Well, uh - It's perfect.
All he needed was a little love.
( powering up ) ( garbled voice ) Please scan your first item.
Looks good to me.
Yeah, let's go look at the Sugar Fest poster again.
Oh, no, nothing can stop race car president now.
Watch out, Mr.
President.
Hey, Spedacular, how about you give it a rest there, big guy? Not until I get your candies.
( yelling ) My soul only knows pain.
Boys! Boys, boys, boys, come and follow me, Pally Robot boys.
Do you think he knows? What'll we do? Ta-da! Please scan your first item.
( beeping ) And what a fantastic item you've selected, friend.
Let me guess.
Making a pie? - How'd you know? - It is written on your face.
Written in the light of your eyes.
Who wants to bet he can make any rhubarb pie? ( all exclaiming ) Boys, our customers go to the bananas for Pal Scan.
I do a private joyful weeping session in my office now.
Take her easy, boys.
We are dang robot whisperers.
With robots making our lives easier, we can slip out and get our tickets for Oh, Pickle und Peanut.
- Uh, how does he know our names? - Hey, Pal! Hey, you.
I just wanted to say your skilled and gentle hands have transformed me.
Hey, it was nothin'.
Your friendship is like a river that wraps around und meets itself.
- Would you allow me to sail on it? - Okay.
Are you up for the challenge of freestyle over my street-oriented rhythms? What? Drop that street-oriented bass, bot-mouth.
( hip-hop music plays ) Yeah, yeah, check it, check it.
Ooh.
Man and machine steppin' in the same zone, ooh ( alarm blaring ) ( all laughing ) Let's go get those tickets at the mall.
I love shopping malls.
Can I tag along, buddy boys? Love to have you, friend, but you're not exactly mobile, are you? Sorry, pal.
Oh, ha ha.
Touché.
I love my new very funny friends.
( voice distorts ) I can't believe we got the last two Sugar Fest tickets.
Yeah, man, look at us.
We're like the kings of the mall.
( cell phone buzzing ) Who the heck? Must be my mom's new boyfriend.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Am I speaking to Peanut? Is this Pal? How'd you get this number? I got into the Mjart Mart computer system.
Now I know your birthday, address, turn-offs, habits, movements.
So when your family vacationed to Oregon in COMPUTER VOICE: 2003.
PAL: how did you find the accommodations of the - Double Deuce Hotel.
- to be? Um, glad you're reading up on me; that's great.
( static noises ) Hello, Peanut.
( static noises ) Hello, I think we're breaking up.
Bye.
Whoa! That was Pal, man.
He tapped into the filing system and memorized all the stuff about me.
- Isn't that crazy? - Not so crazy.
It sounds like he's trying to do what any of us are trying to do form a connection.
I'm gonna form a connection with your face.
- I'll have - He'll have rocky road.
I can help you celebrate your preferences anywhere.
Yes! Whooo! You can play with me any time.
- Oh! - Man! Man, we gotta get up outta here.
Allow me to use my friendly hand and guide you through your days with grace, style, elegance.
It's all part of an ultimate companionship I have planned for us.
( laughter ) ( laughter distorts ) ( screaming ) Pickle, we are being stalked.
This is just 'cause he likes us, right? What's so weird about that? Come on, Pickle.
We don't wanna be late for opening sugar-monies.
Think I'm gonna go with a bit of a hacker magician look.
What about you? No time for sugar-monies, Peanut.
I just got a text from Mjart saying there's an emergency at the store.
Oh, my gosh.
Sugar Fest has gotta wait, man.
Let's get up outta here.
Mr.
Mjart? Mr.
Mjart, are you in trouble? PAL: Welcome, Pickle und Peanut.
Come on in.
Look.
You're famous.
Awkward, awkward, awkward.
What's with the shirt, Pal? Mmm, yes.
I had some made up to commemorate our one day friend-aversary.
It hasn't even been one day yet.
I couldn't wait.
Pal, we're looking for Mr.
Mjart.
He just texted us to get our butts over here.
Actually, it is I who is wanting your butts to be here.
I used Mjart's phone, because I knew my favorite little stars would answer.
It's not funny, Pal.
Listen, I can appreciate that you wanna be friends with us and all, but you're being scary, so back off.
Pickle, you're so passionate.
Your passion is like a river that runs Hey, Picks, let's hit that Sugar Dance.
- We out.
- Oh, yeah, we are.
Pal, I know you wanna roll deep with us, but we're, like, made of meat and stuff.
- Oh! - You're robot.
See? Now I am made of flesh like you.
So there is no logical reason that we cannot - sugar dance right here.
- ( dance music plays ) - Get down.
- BOTH: Ah! Dance with me, friends.
Friends, it's me.
Let's boogie down.
Friends.
Chums.
Compadres.
- Where the heck is Mr.
Mjart? - I don't know.
Mr.
Mjart.
Have you seen Pal? I think he go crazy.
I can hear you with another man.
Not acceptable.
- Oh, no.
We gotta get outta here.
- The break room.
Uh-uh-uh.
( voice distorts ) - How are we gonna get past Pal? - I know.
Hey, robo-dummy.
Cream.
Oh, heavy, heavy cream.
I just want to be your friend.
Mjart, we did this.
We broke Pal, then tried to fix him with the power of male friendship.
- Hee haw, guys.
- Specdacular?! Get me out of the box! If we're gonna take Pal down, we need a distraction.
Hey, Spedacular, you up for making a new friend? Well, I love making new friends.
Oh, my goodness! Hey, new friend.
I got my candy stuck, and then got stuck Sh, sh.
Little metal friend.
What model of donkey bot are you? ( forced laugh ) I don't think you understand.
I think we can be best friends.
Better friends than even, say, Pickle and Peanut.
- Allow me to show you my gladness - Oh, it's really hurting.
He's crushing Donkey.
- Hurry up, we gotta shut down Pal.
- DONKEY: You're killing me! Who is interrupting our bonding time? End it.
End it now.
Pickle, what are you doing? I'm shutting you down, Pal.
Is that something a friend could do? Pal, friendship is between a man and a man.
Please ( voice distorts ) BOTH: We did it! ( imitating gunfire ) Ah, bumpalumps, you are my A-plus number one employees.
I will treat you this night.
Where would you boys like to go? Huh? You tell me.
I am having fun.
Please take your cotton candy.
Oh, thanks, Mr.
Robot.
It is my pleasure to serve such fine friends.
Mm-hmm.
Hold still.
Hmm.
Okay.
Welcome to the new you.
Oh, looks like a rainbow dumped all over my face.
Are you boys gonna buy anything? Of course not.
Do we look like a couple of girls? Take your weird game somewhere else.
Why don't you take your mom somewhere else? That was a solid insult.
I'm gonna remember that one.
Hold up.
What do we have here? America's Sweetboy Taffy is looking for a new mascot? Wait a second.
Let me get this straight.
These little lads are dancing and spinning around trying to get their face on a bag of candy? Those boys have got it all figured out.
You said it.
So who do you think has got this in the bag? Hmm.
The kid's got pretty good flower skills.
That cowpoke is making his mam so proud.
Hey, maybe I could be a sweetie.
Check it out.
Come on, Peanut, make your sweetie face.
Oh, yeah.
Let me get it set up.
- Lid flips! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Unnatural, unnatural, unnatural.
( gagging ) Hello, ma'am.
I couldn't help but notice your sweet young boy, and was wondering if you're entering him in the competition.
Ma'am? What? I'm not Well, you know what? Yeah.
That's right.
Oh, here's my sweet child now.
Friendship tunnel express.
I just told this guy I'm your mama, so play along, will ya? I just barfed in the bathroom.
So you're the very special boy? Oh, yes.
I'm very special.
The contest begins in three-and-a-half minutes.
What happened? Are you selling me? No.
No, no, no.
Cool off, baby boy.
I just entered you in the America's Sweetboy contest.
You just get up there and mince around a bit.
We'll have a good laugh over the whole thing.
Plus, you're liable to get some free taffy.
I'm gonna rub my sweetness all over those kids' stupid faces.
America's Sweetboy Taffy, what a pleasurable taste This room is full of sweetboy stallions.
But my boy's gonna be the prettiest pony - in the whole kingdom.
- Pickle and Peanut.
Fancy meetin' you tricks here.
McSweats! You're in the America's Sweetboy competition? Yeah, I'm just here for the taffy freebies.
I don't have a snowball's chance in winning.
( muffled ) You skeeters don't either, since Kandy's here this year.
Who? Are you calibrated? Yes, Mother.
( chewing loudly ) Did it just get cold in here? Hello, beautiful creatures.
I will end you.
Is this my competition? What an inspiration to meet you.
Salutations.
I'm Pickle.
Pretty exciting contest, isn't it? Mum-mums, I'm done talking to this strange man.
I'm going to go ready myself.
Do you know who you just met? That's Kandy.
He's the winningest boy on the regional pageant circuit.
I've raised him to dominate and destroy punks like you.
Conquering this contest shouldn't be a challenge.
Good luck.
Hmm.
I'm startin' to feel like this contest is full of freakazoids.
- You sure you wanna do this? - You kidding? I got sweet in places you don't even know about.
( imitating gunfire ) ( whining ) My cookie, how are you feeling about this? Just stupendous.
( tense voice ) I feel so loose and limber.
I just love stretching.
You just remember that tonight, you do whatever it takes to be the sweetest boy up there.
Oh, Mother.
( laughs ) And here we are.
The America's Sweetboy contest.
America's Sweetboy Taffy.
Churning out sweetness and boy pageants since 1973.
We've searched from west Nevada to east Nevada, and these are the sweetest boys we could find.
And here they are.
Yep, they're boys, all right.
( humming ) Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Oh, cute shoes.
Oh, thanks.
Which one of these little angels is yours? The big-lipped, warty, thick-necked one is mine.
- He is a doll.
- I'm a proud mama, girlfriend.
Let's start the competition.
( burping ) ( squeaky burp ) What was that garbage? That wasn't even a burp.
Your boy was robbed, Priscilla.
You should write a real nasty letter.
( burps, blows nose ) Excuse me.
That's some pro gas, baby boy.
Me-me-me-me-mew.
Nice heart Huh? Eee? ( loud exhale ) I'm sorry for your loss, Tabitha.
Hey, this is a pretty fun time, right, Kandy? Oh, are you a little boy having fun? I am an empire.
I could have you crushed into a little sugar cube.
A tiny treat for me.
( giggles ) But you don't deserve that, because you're not the sweetest.
I can't let that kid get the best of me.
Time for me to stomp a sweet hole in this contest.
One time! Show no mercy, Kandy.
Dominate and destroy! Whoo-whoo, Pickle.
Don't forget to swing your tootsies.
I'm just a widdle baby.
Sweet, sweet, sweet.
Remember how we practiced it.
Big smile.
Big smile.
ALL: Aww! And that takes us down to just two sweetie boys.
Let's check the judges' scores.
Ooh, and it's neck and neck.
Who will win it all? Hey, Pickle, some of the moms are headed to Snoober's for two-for-one appetizers.
If you're done funnin' around, let's get up outta here.
Peanut, as much as I like eatin' at Snoober's, I think I'm gonna stick around and finish this thing.
Turns out I'm pretty dang good at being sweet.
I've got a real shot at winning.
I wanna see this thing through.
Do you understand? Yeah, I think I understand.
Go powder your nose.
I'll go chat with the gals.
( humming ) - Pickle.
- Huh? - Come in.
- Hey, Kandy.
I lash out in times of great stress.
Sorry for licking your face like a little sugar cube.
That's okay.
I do it, too.
I can see you're the darling of this contest.
As long as you're in it, I can't possibly win.
And this is all we have.
Me and Mommy have sunk in everything to this dream.
We live on the road mostly.
You know how it is to keep up with these looks when you have to use the gas station bathroom as your vanity.
You must know.
Uh, no, actually.
I just live in town, not in the car.
I was just hoping that with this Sweetboy title under my belt, me and Mommy could finally settle down somewhere.
You know what? Let me see what I can do.
No more gas stations, okay? All right, finalists.
Step on up here.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, hey, big boy.
Boys, this is the final challenge.
What is the sweetest face you can make? Uh, let me think.
AUDIENCE: Awww! Ooh! Wow, that was That was beautiful.
Now for Pickle.
Hmm.
Lid flips? What are you doing? He wasted all that taffy.
All right, well, clearly, you lose.
Kandy is the winner! Congratulations.
Pickle, I can't believe it.
You let me win.
- You're an idiot.
- What? I don't live in a car.
I don't go to gas stations.
I practice in my humungous sauna, with my golden Lab, idiot.
- Uh, Kandy? - Shut up! Kandy gets what Kandy wants.
Oh, no.
My beautiful meal ticket.
Don't worry, Mother.
Hey, Bubba, what are you doing? Why'd you throw the contest? I don't know, Peanut.
For a minute there, I thought maybe Kandy was a real sweet boy.
Stay still, son, stay still.
Oh, my gosh, she's encased in taffy.
That's pretty ironic.
The boy named Kandy got turned into candy.
That's not irony, Reggie.
That's coincidence.
Your mom's a coincidence.
Anyway, you think we still have time to get those two-for-one apps at Snoober's? ( humming ) Jeffrey, get over here.
Put your butt in the seat when it's time to eat.
Yes, Ma.
Well, I think if we've learned one lesson today, it's that winning is for losers.
Yep, 100%.
( all agreeing ) I heard we have a warty, thick-lipped winner over here.
( blows note ) Trophy, trophy, trophy, here's your trophy Trophy, trophy, trophy, it's a trophy you can eat Hey, did you do this, Peanut?