Pie In The Sky (1994) s01e04 Episode Script
Once a Copper
1 S01xE04 "Once a Copper" Apr 3, 1994 MAN: Muskets and guns, make ready! Prepare to give fire! Give ye fire! [GUNSHOTS.]
[YELLING.]
English freedom! [YELLING.]
English freedom! Well, our guests are enjoying the show.
It´s very realistic.
Not to say chaotic and rather expensive.
[CLOSE GUNSHOT.]
Oh, my God! It´s showing them a bit of English history, Margaret.
It´s what we´re good at.
Yes, beating each other up and skiving off.
At least these lot don´t cost an arm and a leg.
Wear their own costumes, they´re only here for the beer.
Boy, we are in trouble for Saturday night.
Well, the environmental health officer has been and done an inspection at the kitchen at the Grand found one lousy cockroach.
Apparently now thinks this is an imminent danger to public health, the prat! Brilliant.
So, what does that mean? It means we´ll be trying to impress our potential Japanese investors by giving them dinner in a cockroach-infested hotel.
We plow the fields And scatter the good seed on the land [CHICKEN SQUAWKS.]
[CRABBE IMITATING SQUAWKS.]
He wants to see me? ASAP.
[SIGHS.]
Bloody man! Come on.
Has there been any word on the Hooperman business? I´m not sure I´m with you, sir.
Oh, come on, Cambridge.
Officially, I´m under suspension pending an inquiry, and yet I´m constantly being dragged out on operational matters.
Now, I´m either suspended, or I´m not.
It´s a contradiction.
Oh, I don´t think Mr.
Fisher wants to see you about operations.
Well, what does he want to see me about? Assistant Chief Constable Fisher doesn´t confide in lowly PCs like me.
Oh, really? Are you absolutely sure you´ve no idea why he wants to see me? I think you´ll just have to ask him yourself, sir.
Yes.
Do you know, Cambridge, that´s exactly what I was thinking.
Ha.
Ah, there you are, Crabbe.
Uh, sir, I want oh! to ask you, sir How goes it? Uh, fine, sir.
Fine.
Good, good, good.
Constable, clear this, right, will you, and take it all down to the car.
Inspector.
I want a very discreet word with you.
Now, I´m not sure about this, I have to say.
I reckon we should use the town hall.
Get outside caterers in there.
Hold on, Brian.
I suggested we brought the Japanese here in the first place.
It´s streets ahead of any other restaurant in the area.
Limit the number of local bigwigs and we´ll be fine.
I am sorry.
Henry seems to have slipped out somewhere.
I´m sure he won´t be long.
Oh, Linda, be an angel and get us some coffee.
I haven´t lurked around the bike shed since I was at school.
I hope you´re not going to offer me a Woodbine, sir.
Ahem.
Empire building, that´s what I´m talking about, Crabbe.
There´s a lot of ambitious senior officers in this building.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Chief Superintendent Whitehead to name but one.
He knows very well I´m away this week on a conference, and he chooses this moment to ask to use you on an inquiry.
- Oh? - Big fraud case.
Oh, God.
Not fraud.
I refused permission I´m not having you solving someone else´s problems, told him I need you.
What for, sir? Nothing.
I told you, I´m off for the week.
I want you out of the way.
Keep yourself busy with that cafe of yours.
Thank you, sir.
So, it´s a bit of a big do, this conference is? He had all the top people in the police service.
Home Office bods they´ll all be involved.
It´s a think-tank seminar.
Graeme Stokes tipped to be the next Met Commissioner, is chairing it.
Oh.
Yes, so Remember, Crabbe [RAPS ON CAR.]
low profile time for you, huh? And don´t think too hard in the tank, sir.
[HUMMING.]
Happy, sir? Yes, thank you, Cambridge.
You were quite right.
It´s nothing to do with operational matters.
For the next seven glorious days, Mr.
Fisher wants me to bend over backwards to maintain a low profile, ha ha! Oh.
[JACKHAMMER POUNDING.]
Roadwork.
CAMBRIDGE: Big news for the town if the Japanese decide to develop here.
Mm-hmm.
Margaret´s been roped in to handle the budget for the "Please Choose Middleton" lot.
Well, rather her than me.
I can´t stand committees.
[CHUCKLES.]
- See him? - Who? The man in that car? No.
Who was he? Oh, I don´t know.
Looks familiar.
R-B-Y-2-6-9-K.
Well, God knows where, but I´m sure I´ve seen that face.
Well, you nick a lot of people in the course of a career, sir.
Why are you assuming it´s a villain? He might be somebody I was at school with.
No.
Instinct.
Something about that face has bothered you.
You´ll go through your memory bank, and when you find him, my guess is he´ll have form.
That´s why I took his number.
Well, if you run that number through the computer and it comes up with something wrong, I don´t want to know about it.
I´ve told you I´ve got a week off.
[CHUCKLES.]
[HUMMING.]
This is the way the chef can play Chef can play, chef can play This is the way the chef can play Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding [CLANG.]
Good morning, chef.
Morning, Steven.
Just preparing myself for a week of freedom.
This is the way the chef can play Chef can play, chef can play This is the way the chef can play on a Sunday morning Of course you were, sir.
No, but listen, it´s great.
Because Fisher is away, we can now spend a whole week doing our menus.
Already the ideas are dancing upon my palate.
Something with brandy in it, perhaps, maybe? Well, it would be a lot of extra work, but we would be happy to do it, wouldn´t we? Oh, a lot of bookings.
Set dinner.
Not usually my sort of thing.
Please, Henry.
Your food´s always fantastic.
I´m sure there´s nothing to match it in Montpellier, Monchengladbach, or Kikladhes especially Kikladhes.
Rival towns bidding for the Japanese factory.
Ah.
Well, I once had some outstanding fish and chips in Kikladhes actually.
It´s not just about food, this.
If we´re going to get these Japanese to invest here, we´ve got to sell Middleton to them.
Oh dinner at the Grand.
It made such a statement, you know what I mean? Yes, it would have told them it was infested with cockroaches.
Well, they found one single cockroach, Margaret, and a dead one at that.
CRABBE: Ah, but did they do an autopsy? Was it food poisoning? Had it made the mistake of eating there? Well, I´m sorry.
I´m far from convinced that this is the right place.
Brian, dining here is a real culinary delight.
Good wholesome cuisine in a quintessentially English atmosphere.
I can tell you´re in P.
R.
, Zelda.
Well we´re in a jam, there´s no doubt in that.
You know what´s in the kitty, Margaret.
Do you reckon you can dish us up something reasonable for the price? As I said, it would be an honor.
CRABBE: Well, I don´t know.
I mean, ahem It will mean taking over the whole place, and I do have my Saturday night regulars to consider.
Excuse us a moment, would you? Really, Henry, the full Choose Middleton Committee will be here this Saturday.
But we´ve only room for 40 covers at a pinch.
Local MP, Mayor, anybody who is anybody in this place.
It´s a marvelous opportunity to enhance the restaurant´s prestige.
Yeah, I suppose so.
Look.
Arrived today.
Isn´t it wonderful? The finest oak-smoked Scottish salmon.
Cost a fortune, but it´s worth every penny.
God, you infuriate me sometimes.
No, it´s worth every penny.
It´s the starter for my new menu.
Apart from everything else, we could really use the money.
Come on, Henry.
What do you say? Roger Dibbly.
What? Roger Dibbly.
The face I saw today, I couldn´t put a name to it.
No, no, it can´t be.
He must be in his 70s by now.
Henry, I need an answer, and I´m going to take that as a "yes.
" Oh, any draw on the vehicle check? Oh, yeah.
I put it here somewhere.
Yeah, here it is.
Thank you.
STEVEN: Chef? Telephone call for you, Mr.
Crabbe.
PC Cambridge.
Oh, no say I´m not here.
You´re not entirely with it this evening, are you? Is anything wrong? No, no, not at all.
Well, it´s silly really.
I saw this face earlier, and I cannot put a name to it.
It´s been gnawing away at me all day.
It´s annoying when that happens.
Gourmet Society on table five pronounced your gigot d´agneau to be tres formidable.
Our what? "Leg of lamb" for lesser mortals like us, Linda.
Did Cambridge say what she wanted? Not really, no.
But she left a name and she said does "John Michael Griffin" mean anything to you? John Michael Griffin.
Solved your problem, no? No, not at all.
Oh, my God.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I don´t believe you, Henry.
I really don´t.
I´m sorry, love.
I didn´t wake you, did I? It´s ridiculous! Fisher off your back for a whole week.
We´ve got the chance to really put this place on the map.
I know.
What do you do? Give yourself a sleepless night because you´ve seen somebody you can´t place.
Simply ridiculous.
I´m sorry, Margaret.
Come on.
CRABBE: I want this kept completely off the record, Cambridge, is that understood? Yes, yes, of course.
Well, what about this John Griffin fellow? Has he got any form? No, But the man you saw driving may not have been the car´s registered owner.
Ah.
Oh, hold on.
CRABBE: Huh.
CAMBRIDGE: What? He used to be thinner.
And he doesn´t have a moustache He doesn´t have a Mexican moustache anymore.
Oh, it can´t be him.
Is it John Michael Griffin? No.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
It´s a man called Palmer.
Vince Palmer.
Vincent Brian Palmer, actually.
Hmm.
Vince Palmer.
Is he known to us? He was in the old days.
He´s a real heavy duty villain.
You know, in that Bickford bank robbery in ´77, he made a terrible mess of a security guard with a shotgun.
He got away with over £3 million.
And what´s his form since then? Is he wanted for questioning for anything? Oh, I doubt it.
He hasn´t escaped from the nick, has he? No, no.
Nothing like that.
So, what´s this all about? Why do you look so concerned? Vincent Brian Palmer died in August 1978.
Trying my patience.
He really is.
The most important booking we´ve ever had and he keeps disappearing.
Old PC Cambridge picked him up this morning.
Unbelievable.
He´s supposed to have the whole week free, but something´s got that nose of his twitching.
Once a copper, eh? Back when I was little, my dad was exactly the same even after he retired.
Show him a dirty bottle and he´d rinse it.
It had to be spotless around the neck where you stick the fingers in.
He was a milk man.
Ah.
Anyway, Steve, what do you want to know about Saturday? Maybe I could help.
I need the menu.
In that case, I can´t.
Margaret, we´ve got a special set meal for 40 covers a day after tomorrow, it needs organizing.
I´m just a bit concerned what´s going on, that´s all.
So am I, Steve.
So am I.
CRABBE: I´ve been waiting from the middle of the night.
MAN: Worried, are you? Of course I´m worried.
It´s my first time.
It´ll be so embarrassing if I can´t pull it off.
Stuff half a dozen of these and you´ve cracked it.
Oi! I have no intention of stuffing half a dozen of those, thank you.
I don´t even want to stuff one of them.
Neither am I in the market for them.
That´s a golden.
Feel it, it´s tender, yet firm.
Yes, tender, firm, and essentially bland.
You know very well I don´t get on with courgettes.
What I want is potatoes.
I got some lovely new potatoes.
No, I don´t want Jersey Royals.
I´m mashing, I want Pentland Dell.
No sweat.
How many do you want? Well, are you selling them by the pound or by the kilo? You know me by the half wheelbarrow.
Oh, well.
In that case, I´ll have two half wheelbarrows.
Thank you very much.
So, the gang went into hiding and Vince Palmer fled abroad? Yeah, he was sighted in Spain, and then he vanished completely until there was a report from um, Morocco that´s right.
There was a report from Morocco that a British subject had been killed in a road accident.
That´s simple, he could have faked his own death.
No, no, it´s not that simple at all.
I recall the death was investigated officially.
Who by? Oh, I don´t know.
I remember a couple of officers were sent out to Morocco to ID the body.
Hmm.
And they officially identified the accident victim as Vince Palmer? As far as I can recall, yeah.
See, well, either they made a mistake, or were conned or were maybe somehow involved in a deal with Palmer.
Well, it´s all possible.
Who were the investigating officers? Oh, I don´t know.
I mean, it´s 15 years ago.
I can´t remember that now.
Ah! Fine! Put them in the boot, please.
You don´t mind, do you? Well, yes.
Yes, actually I do.
Oh.
Well, I outrank you, so, sorry.
Carry on.
Now that you´ve spotted him, what are you going to do about it? Have him picked up? I don´t know.
Probably isn´t even Palmer.
I mean, I may have got it all wrong.
Anyway, it´s not as though he´s wanted for anything.
I mean, as far as the force is concerned, he´s officially dead.
I say, Mr.
Henderson, these green beans are rather good.
Do you think I could have, um half a bath full? Thank you.
Hello.
I phoned yesterday about using your microfilm newspaper library.
Oh, yes.
What year are you looking for? 1978 August.
Got that P.
R.
lady on the telephone, Mr.
Crabbe.
She´s anxious for news of Saturday´s menu.
Apparently, they´re going to be specially printed.
Oh, are they? I´ve been asked to provide something quintessentially English.
LINDA: That´s easy! Pizza, kebabs, or curry.
Oh, thank you, Linda.
No, the Japanese palate is partial to raw seafood, so for starters, I thought I´d give them I´m not grilling more herrings? No, no, no.
Fresh Whitstable oysters followed by steak and kidney pies and summer pudding.
Would you like to speak to her yourself, Mr.
Crabbe? No, no, no.
Not at all! I´m off in search of some Rosa Pomifera Duplex.
MAN: Now, that you see, that´s a floribunda, but I think that´s well past its best.
I wouldn´t to be honest with you, I wouldn´t take that.
How about this one here? Silver Jubilee.
That´s a beauty, isn´t it? That´s lovely you smell that? Beautiful, isn´t it? Now, this here, this is a Hybrid Tea, or H.
T.
These bloom perpetually from June right through to October.
As you see, the flowers are long and kind of pointy.
- You see that? - Excuse me.
Does the name Charles Wolley-Dod mean anything to you? Wolley-Dod A magnificent gardener.
At his death in 1904, it was said, "Horticulture has not sustained a more severe loss.
" Henry Crabbe, you old bugger! What the hell are you doing here? Now, what was that rose they named after him? Why, Wolley-Dod´s rose.
Uh Rosa Pomifera Duplex, a double form of apple rose with soft pink flowers.
And luxuriant gray-green foliage.
I always remember that.
Oh, you are just as boring banging on about your cooking and that Alexis Sayer or whatever your guru´s name was.
Soyer.
Why, Soyer, Soyer.
Have you retired yet? Oh, I wish I had.
It suits you though, Tom.
Oh, a dream come true.
My life didn´t begin until I left the force.
So, what brings you to these parts, eh? What happened when you flew to Morocco to investigate Vince Palmer´s death? You´ll get me shot, you will.
What´s the odd bullet hole, Dave? You know I´m worth dying for.
Obviously, I haven´t been able to access the actual files on the case.
What about the names of the officers who conducted the ID in Morocco? This all happened a long time ago.
Are you going to tell me why it´s so important? Afraid I can´t.
Not yet, anyway.
Look I don´t know what you´re onto, but my advice on this one is to tread carefully.
Och! To go out on the force, you got to keep in with the right people.
I hated my last few years.
I only hung on for the pension.
[CHUCKLING.]
Sounds familiar.
Yeah, I´m surprised you didn´t take early retirement yourself.
Well, there´s been a few hiccups, you know.
So, you´re certain that the body you identified was Vince Palmer´s? Henry, you´re a good friend, and I appreciate you coming to see me first of all and, you know, not doing anything official.
But the man you saw can´t be Palmer.
Can´t be! I mean, the fingerprints matched, and that´s conclusive.
So, presumably, you saw the actual body in the morgue as well.
Well, two of us flew over there myself and a DCI.
But it wasn´t a place to hang about, believe you me.
Now, as I recall, I dealt with the local police.
They´d fingerprinted the corpse, and I´d brought a set of his dabs over with me, and they were identical.
And my partner, he went in the morgue and formally ID´d the body.
So, who signed the papers confirming proof of death? Well he did.
He´d seen the body.
Henry, it´s history.
Palmer was scum.
There are very, very few people who´d shed a tear for him.
There´s no worth raking all this up.
Hmm.
This DCI who signed the papers, what can you tell me about him? [SIGHS.]
Sharp lad, ambitious.
Just the sort to go out on the force.
But he wasn´t bent, if that´s what you´re thinking.
No way.
I sure of it.
In fact, I´d put my life on it.
Well, that´s good enough for me, Tom.
BRIAN: Lay it out a bit.
Hmm.
Are you sure that says "Welcome to our home"? I got a lecturer I know to write it down for his art students.
Oh! Well, we know about students and their advanced sense of humor.
I hope they haven´t changed it to "Sod off, you Nips" or something intelligent like that.
The point is, does it work? Does it look right? Well Oh, take all the time you want, Brian.
Don´t worry about our arms getting tired or anything like that.
Well, I don´t know, do I?! I mean, it´s not exactly my line.
Oh! Come here, you have a look.
Here.
Oh, that´s nice.
What does it say? "Sod off, you Nips.
" PC Cambridge is in the kitchen.
With my husband or without him? Without.
In fact, she asked me to ask you if you know where he is.
I´d assumed he´d gone off somewhere with her again.
Oh, don´t worry about our arms getting tired, Margaret! I mean, take all the time in the world! [SIGHS.]
Saturday night could make or break our little business here, Constable.
I realize it´s important to you.
Well, it is.
For once, Henry´s got a week free to concentrate on food, and we really need it.
Mrs.
Crabbe, I´m sorry, but it´s vital that I talk to him.
Please ask him to call me.
Thank you.
I could do with hanging a sign outside "Sod off, you cops!" [LAUGHS.]
You see your North American oyster is oviparous meaning the eggs are discharged straight into the water.
Whereas your European oyster is larviparous, the egg and larva remaining in the mantle cavity.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that´s fascinating, Eric.
But are they quintessentially English? Well, they come from Colchester.
Fair enough.
But it´s no good.
You see, I´ve committed myself in print to Whitstable.
I can get you Whitstable, Mr.
Crabbe.
Gor! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Getting a bit old for hide and seek, aren´t we, sir? Go away! I´m busy! I need a word.
It won´t take long.
Sorry, Eric.
I won´t be a moment.
Look, I made a mistake.
It can´t have been Vince Palmer.
Just forget about the whole thing, Constable.
Why? Because an old mate of yours was one of the senior officers who made the ID ex-Detective Inspector Watson? All right, I went to see Tom, but he wasn´t the officer that signed the proof of death form, so he´s got nothing to hide.
And what about the officer who went with him? I´m not interested.
That was Vince Palmer we saw.
He wasn´t killed, was he? I couldn´t give a damn if he was killed or not.
The I just don´t care, okay? Now, I´ve got a very big night coming up at the restaurant, so please get off my back and let me get on with it.
You´re not planning to go to the conference to see Mr.
Fisher then? No, of course I´m not.
Pity.
You could have said hello to the chairman, Graeme Stokes, hotly tipped to be the new Met Police Commissioner.
The same man who, as a Detective Chief Inspector, went with your old pal to Morocco and officially declared Vince Palmer dead.
You could ask Stokes how he made such a mistake or whether someone got a back-hander.
You might even remind him about the security guard whose sight was blown away and hasn´t seen sunshine in 16 years.
Or you could just order some wet fish and forget all about it.
STOKES: Policing by consent is traditionally the British way, and indeed the only way to maintain order in a democracy.
We in the police service are a microcosm of society at large.
Society´s morality is therefore our morality.
We must be seen as guardians of that morality, enforcers of the law.
But it also essential that we serving officers be subject to the law.
We must never place ourselves above or beyond the law.
Hear, hear.
Silly question, I know, but has anyone seen Henry? He went off looking for some roses or something.
- Roses?! - Yeah.
Those are oysters.
Well spotted, Margaret You´re becoming a real expert in the kitchen these days, aren´t you? Oysters aren´t on tonight´s menu.
Don´t tell me you´ve given me the wrong one.
No, just got a few to practice for the big night.
They´re tricky little sods, there´s a knack to opening them.
Teach me how to use that knife sometime.
It might come in useful when dealing with absent husbands.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is devastating.
It´s devastating.
Well, it may be a genuine mistaken identification, sir.
I mean, the body was a week old, it had been in a car smash.
Rubbish.
If you´re not sure, you make up a test.
Dental records, prints, what have you.
You don´t sign a confirmation of death for someone like Palmer unless you´re bloody certain it´s him.
Unless you´ve been paid off.
You better be absolutely confident in what you´re alleging here, Crabbe.
For God´s sake, man! You´re implying that one of the country´s most senior police officers colluded with a notorious criminal to pervert the course of justice.
And based on what? A glimpse of a face in a car window.
And a 10-second glance at a man in a street.
I want absolute proof positive that Vincent Palmer is still alive, otherwise we never had this conversation.
Understood? Yes, sir.
[STARTS ENGINE.]
MAN OVER LOUDSPEAKER: Leap of Faith in command as they come down toward the final furrow [INDISTINCT COMMENTARY CONTINUES.]
Leap of Faith first, then Spartan Not having much luck, Vince? It is Vince, isn´t it? Vince Palmer? ZELDA: Looks terrific, eh? What do you think? It should be fine.
I think it should have said "bill of fayre," you know, sort of oldy world, as spelt with a "y.
" Well, if it had, Henry would have chopped you up and served you in the pie, Brian.
Well, I´ll just take it through.
I hope he approves.
Ah, well, he is not exactly No, sorry, I´m afraid he´s had to pop out for a while.
- Pop out? - He´s always popping out! I hope he´s going to be here tomorrow night.
Well, of course he is.
He´s just sorting out the wine, that´s all.
I´ve been looking over my shoulder for 15 years waiting for this.
It´s almost a relief.
Ah.
Can´t be much fun though.
I thought I was dead clever.
I mean, what could be sweeter? Fresh start, whole new life.
Well, it´s a tempting thought for all of us.
It´s a nightmare, believe me.
Oh, it´s not so bad at first.
Loads of chicks to choose from.
Money makes friends very easily.
But gradually, it dawns on you that everything you ever were is gone forever.
It was when my kid sister died.
I was in Australia, the other side of the world.
She was dead.
There was nobody I could even talk to.
I never felt so utterly alone in my life.
I sent flowers anonymously.
My own sister´s funeral, anonymous flowers.
That´s very sad.
Yeah.
So, tell me, was this plan originally worked out in London? They pulled me for questioning.
I sussed that one of the cops might be up for the business.
So, I grassed up the others and offered him a nice bit of wedge in return for my freedom.
It´s been worth it.
Sweetened the Moroccan police, gave them a set of my prints to fool the other cop and away I go.
What was his name? Think I´m going to tell you that? He´s my insurance.
So What now, Vince? Well, I assume since you didn´t arrive with klaxons blaring and little blue lights flashing that you´re looking for a bit of a tiddle to keep shtum, yeah? No, not at all.
No, when you shot that security guard, you just about ruined his whole life.
I happen to think you should pay for that.
Leave it alone.
What´s the point of banging me up at my age? It´s not going to bring his sight back, is it? You´ll be opening up a very nasty can of worms for the police.
I´ll bring him down with me, I promise.
And you won´t get a lot of sympathy from your own, will you? I just wish I´d never seen him.
Well, what are you going to do? If you do report him, it will cause a furor on the force.
Fisher will go berserk.
Well, it might be worth it just to see that.
Ha.
Look, I know it´s a difficult decision for you, love, but tomorrow night is a big night for us.
Let´s get that out of the way first, eh? Yep.
You´re quite right.
No more disappearing acts.
Promise? Promise.
Here you are, governor.
Two gross of fresh Whitstables just in this morning.
Look at that.
40 staffers at half a dozen each.
We´re going to have our work cut out opening these boys, Steve.
Uh, may not be boys, Mr.
Crabbe.
Oh? You see, your oyster changes its sex annually, or even more frequently.
So, you never know where you are.
That sounds a bit like the local vicar.
Yeah.
Oh, no! Go away! Leave me alone! I´m afraid I need you to come with me, sir.
Look, I´m really very busy today.
I simply cannot oblige.
It´s not a request, sir, it´s an order.
Oh.
Bollocks! STOKES: I´m a pragmatist, Crabbe.
I deal with what is and what was, not with what might or should have been.
The Bickford bank robbery was a nasty, vicious, and costly crime.
Public opinion at the time was very angry and alarmed, yes? Yes, as I recall, sir, yes.
It took nearly a year, but we recovered 90% of the money and put five out of six of those responsible behind bars, yes? I believe so, sir, yes.
And the sixth one, Vincent Brian Palmer, was no longer a threat because he was dead, yes? Officially, sir, yes.
Was that such a bad result, Crabbe, pragmatically speaking? No, sir.
But how about morally speaking? How do we do on that score? I´ve been looking through your record, Crabbe.
There´s a lot to be proud of here, Inspector.
Although your suspension because of the Hooperman business does mean that there is a question mark over your good name.
It seems the one thing you most desire now is to be granted retirement, yes? I would welcome retirement, yes, sir.
Might I suggest that you were mistaken in thinking you saw Palmer alive and that you make no official report of the sighting? Then I would have every confidence that a way could be found to open the door to a long and fruitful retirement for you.
Well, Inspector? If I´m to treat my own pension as some kind of a bribe, I don´t think I want it at all.
This isn´t about being pragmatic, sir, it´s immoral and corrupt.
Watch what you´re saying, Crabbe! If you took money from Vince Palmer to help him evade justice, you´re not only unfit to be a senior police officer, you ought to be behind bars yourself.
You´re wrong, Crabbe.
I never had a penny from Palmer.
I´ve never committed a corrupt act.
Never.
My only mistake was in not realizing at the time that I´d been duped.
It wasn´t me who signed the confirmation of Palmer´s death, it was your old colleague, Inspector Watson.
Do you really expect me to believe that? Take a look at the signature for yourself, man.
Well, I´m sorry.
I don´t know what to say.
My main concern now is not to damage the public image of the force.
As I said, I´m a pragmatist in these matters.
But you must act as your conscious dictates, Inspector.
Yes, sir.
You see? We should have had some music.
It´s like a bloody morgue in here.
I don´t think taped Muzak is quite Henry´s style.
Ah, Margaret.
Everything under control? Yes, yes, perfectly.
God, is he still not here yet?! Afraid not.
How are we doing, Steve? Are the starters ready yet? Margaret, oysters have to be opened at the last minute.
There´s well over 200 there.
Let me manage them on my own.
Don´t look at me.
I wouldn´t know where to begin.
Bloody police force.
I´ll sue the whole lot of them! Why, Tom? Why? Och, I´d have enough of the job.
I wanted out for some time.
Palmer offered me 100,000.
You must realize how tempting that was.
Helped me make my family secure, set all this up.
Helped me get my dream.
I´m certain Graeme Stokes suspected.
He made sure they got the glory in nicking all the others, but he never said nothing.
Well he´s too clever for that.
Hey, just because Stokes let it go, that doesn´t make it right.
Oh, come on, Henry.
It´s not a question of right or wrong.
For God´s sake, if they´re offering your retirement, take it and forget all this.
Just forget it.
And what about that security guard? Eh? A nothing job for nothing pay, but he did his duty.
And what did he get for it? Palmer´s shotgun blowing his face off, and why? For nothing, nothing at all.
Oh, he didn´t die, but where´s his life? So, you take Palmer´s 100,000 and he gets away with his wickedness.
Well, fine, fair enough.
That´s your choice, but don´t expect me to condone it.
[SIGHS.]
They´re telling me now I can take my retirement as long as I just forget about this and walk away.
Cor! I don´t know which is worse Palmer, you, or Stokes.
So, what are you going to do? I honestly don´t know.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
It´s looking very cramped now it´s filling up, I knew it would.
Brian, we have had 40 in here before.
I hope you´ve come to tell me he´s arrived.
Steve´s gashed his hand, Margaret.
It´s pouring blood.
Oh, my God! STEVEN: Sorry, Margaret, that bloody oyster knife slipped.
You must go down to casualty.
No, I´m all right.
I´m needed here.
Don´t be stupid, you can´t work with a wound like that.
Margaret, who´s going to open a barrel of that lot? Just go! [SIGHS.]
Where the blazes are you? I could kill you, Henry Crabbe! [HORN HONKS.]
Oh, my God! It can´t be that.
I´m sorry! I´m I´m so, so sorry! I completely lost the time.
How are we doing? They´re on the starters.
Good, good.
I can´t where where´s Steve? Gone to hospital.
What?! - He had an accident, cut his finger.
- Oh, my God! Well, then who, who, who did the who did the starters? Mrs.
Crabbe.
Mrs.
Oh, my what?! [MEN SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Ha ha! Margaret?! You mean Margaret actually opened up and served up 20 dozen Whitstable oysters? MARGARET: Nope.
Margaret raided your precious smoked salmon store.
Where the hell have you been?! [STAMMERING.]
You mean the oak-smoked sal the Scottish sa All of it?! With lemon wedges and brown bread and butter.
John helped me.
Excuse me.
Oh, don´t tremble like that, Henry.
It´s a fish course, isn´t it? But that salmon was essential to my new menu! It was supposed to last us for the next three weeks! I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with 20 dozen Whitstable oysters, for God´s sake?! Do you have any idea how much this stuff costs? Never mind about that.
Everyone who is anyone in Middleton, not to mention Fukuoka, Japan, is expecting two more courses.
Now come on! Oh, my God, yes.
Well, the pies are all right.
It´s Colcannon.
Right, right.
Potatoes.
Yes, cabbage, spring onions.
Now, Margaret, I need butter and cream.
Quickly, quickly, Please, Margaret.
Time is of the essence here.
Well, we can do no more than let our carefully considered proposal speak for itself.
And we leave you to judge our town and what it has to offer.
I will say this, though and I´m a Yorkshireman, so I speak me mind [LAUGHTER.]
I have never eaten in this restaurant before.
But that is without doubt one of the finest meals that I have ever eaten.
And you´ll find no better than that in any of the other towns.
So to Henry and Margaret you did us proud! Hear, hear! [POLICE RADIO CRACKLES.]
[DOG BARKING.]
I won´t be gone long.
Well done.
What? The dinner.
It was a great success.
It was mainly thanks to you, Margaret.
Really.
You know, you could have saved yourselves a journey.
I was just coming out to the station myself.
I think we´ve saved you a journey.
Following advice from DS Andrews here, I made an official report on the sighting of a man I had reason to believe was Vincent Brian Palmer.
He was arrested a short time ago.
Following consultation with ACC Fisher, ex-Inspector Watson has also been brought in for questioning.
I´m sorry if you think I did wrong, sir, but I felt it was my duty.
No, you didn´t do wrong.
You didn´t do wrong.
And I thought it might save you from a difficult decision.
Good night, sir.
Good night.
Good night.
You know I know how you feel, but if it means anything at all, it is good to be reminded every now and again of why I married the man I did.
[YELLING.]
English freedom! [YELLING.]
English freedom! Well, our guests are enjoying the show.
It´s very realistic.
Not to say chaotic and rather expensive.
[CLOSE GUNSHOT.]
Oh, my God! It´s showing them a bit of English history, Margaret.
It´s what we´re good at.
Yes, beating each other up and skiving off.
At least these lot don´t cost an arm and a leg.
Wear their own costumes, they´re only here for the beer.
Boy, we are in trouble for Saturday night.
Well, the environmental health officer has been and done an inspection at the kitchen at the Grand found one lousy cockroach.
Apparently now thinks this is an imminent danger to public health, the prat! Brilliant.
So, what does that mean? It means we´ll be trying to impress our potential Japanese investors by giving them dinner in a cockroach-infested hotel.
We plow the fields And scatter the good seed on the land [CHICKEN SQUAWKS.]
[CRABBE IMITATING SQUAWKS.]
He wants to see me? ASAP.
[SIGHS.]
Bloody man! Come on.
Has there been any word on the Hooperman business? I´m not sure I´m with you, sir.
Oh, come on, Cambridge.
Officially, I´m under suspension pending an inquiry, and yet I´m constantly being dragged out on operational matters.
Now, I´m either suspended, or I´m not.
It´s a contradiction.
Oh, I don´t think Mr.
Fisher wants to see you about operations.
Well, what does he want to see me about? Assistant Chief Constable Fisher doesn´t confide in lowly PCs like me.
Oh, really? Are you absolutely sure you´ve no idea why he wants to see me? I think you´ll just have to ask him yourself, sir.
Yes.
Do you know, Cambridge, that´s exactly what I was thinking.
Ha.
Ah, there you are, Crabbe.
Uh, sir, I want oh! to ask you, sir How goes it? Uh, fine, sir.
Fine.
Good, good, good.
Constable, clear this, right, will you, and take it all down to the car.
Inspector.
I want a very discreet word with you.
Now, I´m not sure about this, I have to say.
I reckon we should use the town hall.
Get outside caterers in there.
Hold on, Brian.
I suggested we brought the Japanese here in the first place.
It´s streets ahead of any other restaurant in the area.
Limit the number of local bigwigs and we´ll be fine.
I am sorry.
Henry seems to have slipped out somewhere.
I´m sure he won´t be long.
Oh, Linda, be an angel and get us some coffee.
I haven´t lurked around the bike shed since I was at school.
I hope you´re not going to offer me a Woodbine, sir.
Ahem.
Empire building, that´s what I´m talking about, Crabbe.
There´s a lot of ambitious senior officers in this building.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Chief Superintendent Whitehead to name but one.
He knows very well I´m away this week on a conference, and he chooses this moment to ask to use you on an inquiry.
- Oh? - Big fraud case.
Oh, God.
Not fraud.
I refused permission I´m not having you solving someone else´s problems, told him I need you.
What for, sir? Nothing.
I told you, I´m off for the week.
I want you out of the way.
Keep yourself busy with that cafe of yours.
Thank you, sir.
So, it´s a bit of a big do, this conference is? He had all the top people in the police service.
Home Office bods they´ll all be involved.
It´s a think-tank seminar.
Graeme Stokes tipped to be the next Met Commissioner, is chairing it.
Oh.
Yes, so Remember, Crabbe [RAPS ON CAR.]
low profile time for you, huh? And don´t think too hard in the tank, sir.
[HUMMING.]
Happy, sir? Yes, thank you, Cambridge.
You were quite right.
It´s nothing to do with operational matters.
For the next seven glorious days, Mr.
Fisher wants me to bend over backwards to maintain a low profile, ha ha! Oh.
[JACKHAMMER POUNDING.]
Roadwork.
CAMBRIDGE: Big news for the town if the Japanese decide to develop here.
Mm-hmm.
Margaret´s been roped in to handle the budget for the "Please Choose Middleton" lot.
Well, rather her than me.
I can´t stand committees.
[CHUCKLES.]
- See him? - Who? The man in that car? No.
Who was he? Oh, I don´t know.
Looks familiar.
R-B-Y-2-6-9-K.
Well, God knows where, but I´m sure I´ve seen that face.
Well, you nick a lot of people in the course of a career, sir.
Why are you assuming it´s a villain? He might be somebody I was at school with.
No.
Instinct.
Something about that face has bothered you.
You´ll go through your memory bank, and when you find him, my guess is he´ll have form.
That´s why I took his number.
Well, if you run that number through the computer and it comes up with something wrong, I don´t want to know about it.
I´ve told you I´ve got a week off.
[CHUCKLES.]
[HUMMING.]
This is the way the chef can play Chef can play, chef can play This is the way the chef can play Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding [CLANG.]
Good morning, chef.
Morning, Steven.
Just preparing myself for a week of freedom.
This is the way the chef can play Chef can play, chef can play This is the way the chef can play on a Sunday morning Of course you were, sir.
No, but listen, it´s great.
Because Fisher is away, we can now spend a whole week doing our menus.
Already the ideas are dancing upon my palate.
Something with brandy in it, perhaps, maybe? Well, it would be a lot of extra work, but we would be happy to do it, wouldn´t we? Oh, a lot of bookings.
Set dinner.
Not usually my sort of thing.
Please, Henry.
Your food´s always fantastic.
I´m sure there´s nothing to match it in Montpellier, Monchengladbach, or Kikladhes especially Kikladhes.
Rival towns bidding for the Japanese factory.
Ah.
Well, I once had some outstanding fish and chips in Kikladhes actually.
It´s not just about food, this.
If we´re going to get these Japanese to invest here, we´ve got to sell Middleton to them.
Oh dinner at the Grand.
It made such a statement, you know what I mean? Yes, it would have told them it was infested with cockroaches.
Well, they found one single cockroach, Margaret, and a dead one at that.
CRABBE: Ah, but did they do an autopsy? Was it food poisoning? Had it made the mistake of eating there? Well, I´m sorry.
I´m far from convinced that this is the right place.
Brian, dining here is a real culinary delight.
Good wholesome cuisine in a quintessentially English atmosphere.
I can tell you´re in P.
R.
, Zelda.
Well we´re in a jam, there´s no doubt in that.
You know what´s in the kitty, Margaret.
Do you reckon you can dish us up something reasonable for the price? As I said, it would be an honor.
CRABBE: Well, I don´t know.
I mean, ahem It will mean taking over the whole place, and I do have my Saturday night regulars to consider.
Excuse us a moment, would you? Really, Henry, the full Choose Middleton Committee will be here this Saturday.
But we´ve only room for 40 covers at a pinch.
Local MP, Mayor, anybody who is anybody in this place.
It´s a marvelous opportunity to enhance the restaurant´s prestige.
Yeah, I suppose so.
Look.
Arrived today.
Isn´t it wonderful? The finest oak-smoked Scottish salmon.
Cost a fortune, but it´s worth every penny.
God, you infuriate me sometimes.
No, it´s worth every penny.
It´s the starter for my new menu.
Apart from everything else, we could really use the money.
Come on, Henry.
What do you say? Roger Dibbly.
What? Roger Dibbly.
The face I saw today, I couldn´t put a name to it.
No, no, it can´t be.
He must be in his 70s by now.
Henry, I need an answer, and I´m going to take that as a "yes.
" Oh, any draw on the vehicle check? Oh, yeah.
I put it here somewhere.
Yeah, here it is.
Thank you.
STEVEN: Chef? Telephone call for you, Mr.
Crabbe.
PC Cambridge.
Oh, no say I´m not here.
You´re not entirely with it this evening, are you? Is anything wrong? No, no, not at all.
Well, it´s silly really.
I saw this face earlier, and I cannot put a name to it.
It´s been gnawing away at me all day.
It´s annoying when that happens.
Gourmet Society on table five pronounced your gigot d´agneau to be tres formidable.
Our what? "Leg of lamb" for lesser mortals like us, Linda.
Did Cambridge say what she wanted? Not really, no.
But she left a name and she said does "John Michael Griffin" mean anything to you? John Michael Griffin.
Solved your problem, no? No, not at all.
Oh, my God.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I don´t believe you, Henry.
I really don´t.
I´m sorry, love.
I didn´t wake you, did I? It´s ridiculous! Fisher off your back for a whole week.
We´ve got the chance to really put this place on the map.
I know.
What do you do? Give yourself a sleepless night because you´ve seen somebody you can´t place.
Simply ridiculous.
I´m sorry, Margaret.
Come on.
CRABBE: I want this kept completely off the record, Cambridge, is that understood? Yes, yes, of course.
Well, what about this John Griffin fellow? Has he got any form? No, But the man you saw driving may not have been the car´s registered owner.
Ah.
Oh, hold on.
CRABBE: Huh.
CAMBRIDGE: What? He used to be thinner.
And he doesn´t have a moustache He doesn´t have a Mexican moustache anymore.
Oh, it can´t be him.
Is it John Michael Griffin? No.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
It´s a man called Palmer.
Vince Palmer.
Vincent Brian Palmer, actually.
Hmm.
Vince Palmer.
Is he known to us? He was in the old days.
He´s a real heavy duty villain.
You know, in that Bickford bank robbery in ´77, he made a terrible mess of a security guard with a shotgun.
He got away with over £3 million.
And what´s his form since then? Is he wanted for questioning for anything? Oh, I doubt it.
He hasn´t escaped from the nick, has he? No, no.
Nothing like that.
So, what´s this all about? Why do you look so concerned? Vincent Brian Palmer died in August 1978.
Trying my patience.
He really is.
The most important booking we´ve ever had and he keeps disappearing.
Old PC Cambridge picked him up this morning.
Unbelievable.
He´s supposed to have the whole week free, but something´s got that nose of his twitching.
Once a copper, eh? Back when I was little, my dad was exactly the same even after he retired.
Show him a dirty bottle and he´d rinse it.
It had to be spotless around the neck where you stick the fingers in.
He was a milk man.
Ah.
Anyway, Steve, what do you want to know about Saturday? Maybe I could help.
I need the menu.
In that case, I can´t.
Margaret, we´ve got a special set meal for 40 covers a day after tomorrow, it needs organizing.
I´m just a bit concerned what´s going on, that´s all.
So am I, Steve.
So am I.
CRABBE: I´ve been waiting from the middle of the night.
MAN: Worried, are you? Of course I´m worried.
It´s my first time.
It´ll be so embarrassing if I can´t pull it off.
Stuff half a dozen of these and you´ve cracked it.
Oi! I have no intention of stuffing half a dozen of those, thank you.
I don´t even want to stuff one of them.
Neither am I in the market for them.
That´s a golden.
Feel it, it´s tender, yet firm.
Yes, tender, firm, and essentially bland.
You know very well I don´t get on with courgettes.
What I want is potatoes.
I got some lovely new potatoes.
No, I don´t want Jersey Royals.
I´m mashing, I want Pentland Dell.
No sweat.
How many do you want? Well, are you selling them by the pound or by the kilo? You know me by the half wheelbarrow.
Oh, well.
In that case, I´ll have two half wheelbarrows.
Thank you very much.
So, the gang went into hiding and Vince Palmer fled abroad? Yeah, he was sighted in Spain, and then he vanished completely until there was a report from um, Morocco that´s right.
There was a report from Morocco that a British subject had been killed in a road accident.
That´s simple, he could have faked his own death.
No, no, it´s not that simple at all.
I recall the death was investigated officially.
Who by? Oh, I don´t know.
I remember a couple of officers were sent out to Morocco to ID the body.
Hmm.
And they officially identified the accident victim as Vince Palmer? As far as I can recall, yeah.
See, well, either they made a mistake, or were conned or were maybe somehow involved in a deal with Palmer.
Well, it´s all possible.
Who were the investigating officers? Oh, I don´t know.
I mean, it´s 15 years ago.
I can´t remember that now.
Ah! Fine! Put them in the boot, please.
You don´t mind, do you? Well, yes.
Yes, actually I do.
Oh.
Well, I outrank you, so, sorry.
Carry on.
Now that you´ve spotted him, what are you going to do about it? Have him picked up? I don´t know.
Probably isn´t even Palmer.
I mean, I may have got it all wrong.
Anyway, it´s not as though he´s wanted for anything.
I mean, as far as the force is concerned, he´s officially dead.
I say, Mr.
Henderson, these green beans are rather good.
Do you think I could have, um half a bath full? Thank you.
Hello.
I phoned yesterday about using your microfilm newspaper library.
Oh, yes.
What year are you looking for? 1978 August.
Got that P.
R.
lady on the telephone, Mr.
Crabbe.
She´s anxious for news of Saturday´s menu.
Apparently, they´re going to be specially printed.
Oh, are they? I´ve been asked to provide something quintessentially English.
LINDA: That´s easy! Pizza, kebabs, or curry.
Oh, thank you, Linda.
No, the Japanese palate is partial to raw seafood, so for starters, I thought I´d give them I´m not grilling more herrings? No, no, no.
Fresh Whitstable oysters followed by steak and kidney pies and summer pudding.
Would you like to speak to her yourself, Mr.
Crabbe? No, no, no.
Not at all! I´m off in search of some Rosa Pomifera Duplex.
MAN: Now, that you see, that´s a floribunda, but I think that´s well past its best.
I wouldn´t to be honest with you, I wouldn´t take that.
How about this one here? Silver Jubilee.
That´s a beauty, isn´t it? That´s lovely you smell that? Beautiful, isn´t it? Now, this here, this is a Hybrid Tea, or H.
T.
These bloom perpetually from June right through to October.
As you see, the flowers are long and kind of pointy.
- You see that? - Excuse me.
Does the name Charles Wolley-Dod mean anything to you? Wolley-Dod A magnificent gardener.
At his death in 1904, it was said, "Horticulture has not sustained a more severe loss.
" Henry Crabbe, you old bugger! What the hell are you doing here? Now, what was that rose they named after him? Why, Wolley-Dod´s rose.
Uh Rosa Pomifera Duplex, a double form of apple rose with soft pink flowers.
And luxuriant gray-green foliage.
I always remember that.
Oh, you are just as boring banging on about your cooking and that Alexis Sayer or whatever your guru´s name was.
Soyer.
Why, Soyer, Soyer.
Have you retired yet? Oh, I wish I had.
It suits you though, Tom.
Oh, a dream come true.
My life didn´t begin until I left the force.
So, what brings you to these parts, eh? What happened when you flew to Morocco to investigate Vince Palmer´s death? You´ll get me shot, you will.
What´s the odd bullet hole, Dave? You know I´m worth dying for.
Obviously, I haven´t been able to access the actual files on the case.
What about the names of the officers who conducted the ID in Morocco? This all happened a long time ago.
Are you going to tell me why it´s so important? Afraid I can´t.
Not yet, anyway.
Look I don´t know what you´re onto, but my advice on this one is to tread carefully.
Och! To go out on the force, you got to keep in with the right people.
I hated my last few years.
I only hung on for the pension.
[CHUCKLING.]
Sounds familiar.
Yeah, I´m surprised you didn´t take early retirement yourself.
Well, there´s been a few hiccups, you know.
So, you´re certain that the body you identified was Vince Palmer´s? Henry, you´re a good friend, and I appreciate you coming to see me first of all and, you know, not doing anything official.
But the man you saw can´t be Palmer.
Can´t be! I mean, the fingerprints matched, and that´s conclusive.
So, presumably, you saw the actual body in the morgue as well.
Well, two of us flew over there myself and a DCI.
But it wasn´t a place to hang about, believe you me.
Now, as I recall, I dealt with the local police.
They´d fingerprinted the corpse, and I´d brought a set of his dabs over with me, and they were identical.
And my partner, he went in the morgue and formally ID´d the body.
So, who signed the papers confirming proof of death? Well he did.
He´d seen the body.
Henry, it´s history.
Palmer was scum.
There are very, very few people who´d shed a tear for him.
There´s no worth raking all this up.
Hmm.
This DCI who signed the papers, what can you tell me about him? [SIGHS.]
Sharp lad, ambitious.
Just the sort to go out on the force.
But he wasn´t bent, if that´s what you´re thinking.
No way.
I sure of it.
In fact, I´d put my life on it.
Well, that´s good enough for me, Tom.
BRIAN: Lay it out a bit.
Hmm.
Are you sure that says "Welcome to our home"? I got a lecturer I know to write it down for his art students.
Oh! Well, we know about students and their advanced sense of humor.
I hope they haven´t changed it to "Sod off, you Nips" or something intelligent like that.
The point is, does it work? Does it look right? Well Oh, take all the time you want, Brian.
Don´t worry about our arms getting tired or anything like that.
Well, I don´t know, do I?! I mean, it´s not exactly my line.
Oh! Come here, you have a look.
Here.
Oh, that´s nice.
What does it say? "Sod off, you Nips.
" PC Cambridge is in the kitchen.
With my husband or without him? Without.
In fact, she asked me to ask you if you know where he is.
I´d assumed he´d gone off somewhere with her again.
Oh, don´t worry about our arms getting tired, Margaret! I mean, take all the time in the world! [SIGHS.]
Saturday night could make or break our little business here, Constable.
I realize it´s important to you.
Well, it is.
For once, Henry´s got a week free to concentrate on food, and we really need it.
Mrs.
Crabbe, I´m sorry, but it´s vital that I talk to him.
Please ask him to call me.
Thank you.
I could do with hanging a sign outside "Sod off, you cops!" [LAUGHS.]
You see your North American oyster is oviparous meaning the eggs are discharged straight into the water.
Whereas your European oyster is larviparous, the egg and larva remaining in the mantle cavity.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that´s fascinating, Eric.
But are they quintessentially English? Well, they come from Colchester.
Fair enough.
But it´s no good.
You see, I´ve committed myself in print to Whitstable.
I can get you Whitstable, Mr.
Crabbe.
Gor! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Getting a bit old for hide and seek, aren´t we, sir? Go away! I´m busy! I need a word.
It won´t take long.
Sorry, Eric.
I won´t be a moment.
Look, I made a mistake.
It can´t have been Vince Palmer.
Just forget about the whole thing, Constable.
Why? Because an old mate of yours was one of the senior officers who made the ID ex-Detective Inspector Watson? All right, I went to see Tom, but he wasn´t the officer that signed the proof of death form, so he´s got nothing to hide.
And what about the officer who went with him? I´m not interested.
That was Vince Palmer we saw.
He wasn´t killed, was he? I couldn´t give a damn if he was killed or not.
The I just don´t care, okay? Now, I´ve got a very big night coming up at the restaurant, so please get off my back and let me get on with it.
You´re not planning to go to the conference to see Mr.
Fisher then? No, of course I´m not.
Pity.
You could have said hello to the chairman, Graeme Stokes, hotly tipped to be the new Met Police Commissioner.
The same man who, as a Detective Chief Inspector, went with your old pal to Morocco and officially declared Vince Palmer dead.
You could ask Stokes how he made such a mistake or whether someone got a back-hander.
You might even remind him about the security guard whose sight was blown away and hasn´t seen sunshine in 16 years.
Or you could just order some wet fish and forget all about it.
STOKES: Policing by consent is traditionally the British way, and indeed the only way to maintain order in a democracy.
We in the police service are a microcosm of society at large.
Society´s morality is therefore our morality.
We must be seen as guardians of that morality, enforcers of the law.
But it also essential that we serving officers be subject to the law.
We must never place ourselves above or beyond the law.
Hear, hear.
Silly question, I know, but has anyone seen Henry? He went off looking for some roses or something.
- Roses?! - Yeah.
Those are oysters.
Well spotted, Margaret You´re becoming a real expert in the kitchen these days, aren´t you? Oysters aren´t on tonight´s menu.
Don´t tell me you´ve given me the wrong one.
No, just got a few to practice for the big night.
They´re tricky little sods, there´s a knack to opening them.
Teach me how to use that knife sometime.
It might come in useful when dealing with absent husbands.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is devastating.
It´s devastating.
Well, it may be a genuine mistaken identification, sir.
I mean, the body was a week old, it had been in a car smash.
Rubbish.
If you´re not sure, you make up a test.
Dental records, prints, what have you.
You don´t sign a confirmation of death for someone like Palmer unless you´re bloody certain it´s him.
Unless you´ve been paid off.
You better be absolutely confident in what you´re alleging here, Crabbe.
For God´s sake, man! You´re implying that one of the country´s most senior police officers colluded with a notorious criminal to pervert the course of justice.
And based on what? A glimpse of a face in a car window.
And a 10-second glance at a man in a street.
I want absolute proof positive that Vincent Palmer is still alive, otherwise we never had this conversation.
Understood? Yes, sir.
[STARTS ENGINE.]
MAN OVER LOUDSPEAKER: Leap of Faith in command as they come down toward the final furrow [INDISTINCT COMMENTARY CONTINUES.]
Leap of Faith first, then Spartan Not having much luck, Vince? It is Vince, isn´t it? Vince Palmer? ZELDA: Looks terrific, eh? What do you think? It should be fine.
I think it should have said "bill of fayre," you know, sort of oldy world, as spelt with a "y.
" Well, if it had, Henry would have chopped you up and served you in the pie, Brian.
Well, I´ll just take it through.
I hope he approves.
Ah, well, he is not exactly No, sorry, I´m afraid he´s had to pop out for a while.
- Pop out? - He´s always popping out! I hope he´s going to be here tomorrow night.
Well, of course he is.
He´s just sorting out the wine, that´s all.
I´ve been looking over my shoulder for 15 years waiting for this.
It´s almost a relief.
Ah.
Can´t be much fun though.
I thought I was dead clever.
I mean, what could be sweeter? Fresh start, whole new life.
Well, it´s a tempting thought for all of us.
It´s a nightmare, believe me.
Oh, it´s not so bad at first.
Loads of chicks to choose from.
Money makes friends very easily.
But gradually, it dawns on you that everything you ever were is gone forever.
It was when my kid sister died.
I was in Australia, the other side of the world.
She was dead.
There was nobody I could even talk to.
I never felt so utterly alone in my life.
I sent flowers anonymously.
My own sister´s funeral, anonymous flowers.
That´s very sad.
Yeah.
So, tell me, was this plan originally worked out in London? They pulled me for questioning.
I sussed that one of the cops might be up for the business.
So, I grassed up the others and offered him a nice bit of wedge in return for my freedom.
It´s been worth it.
Sweetened the Moroccan police, gave them a set of my prints to fool the other cop and away I go.
What was his name? Think I´m going to tell you that? He´s my insurance.
So What now, Vince? Well, I assume since you didn´t arrive with klaxons blaring and little blue lights flashing that you´re looking for a bit of a tiddle to keep shtum, yeah? No, not at all.
No, when you shot that security guard, you just about ruined his whole life.
I happen to think you should pay for that.
Leave it alone.
What´s the point of banging me up at my age? It´s not going to bring his sight back, is it? You´ll be opening up a very nasty can of worms for the police.
I´ll bring him down with me, I promise.
And you won´t get a lot of sympathy from your own, will you? I just wish I´d never seen him.
Well, what are you going to do? If you do report him, it will cause a furor on the force.
Fisher will go berserk.
Well, it might be worth it just to see that.
Ha.
Look, I know it´s a difficult decision for you, love, but tomorrow night is a big night for us.
Let´s get that out of the way first, eh? Yep.
You´re quite right.
No more disappearing acts.
Promise? Promise.
Here you are, governor.
Two gross of fresh Whitstables just in this morning.
Look at that.
40 staffers at half a dozen each.
We´re going to have our work cut out opening these boys, Steve.
Uh, may not be boys, Mr.
Crabbe.
Oh? You see, your oyster changes its sex annually, or even more frequently.
So, you never know where you are.
That sounds a bit like the local vicar.
Yeah.
Oh, no! Go away! Leave me alone! I´m afraid I need you to come with me, sir.
Look, I´m really very busy today.
I simply cannot oblige.
It´s not a request, sir, it´s an order.
Oh.
Bollocks! STOKES: I´m a pragmatist, Crabbe.
I deal with what is and what was, not with what might or should have been.
The Bickford bank robbery was a nasty, vicious, and costly crime.
Public opinion at the time was very angry and alarmed, yes? Yes, as I recall, sir, yes.
It took nearly a year, but we recovered 90% of the money and put five out of six of those responsible behind bars, yes? I believe so, sir, yes.
And the sixth one, Vincent Brian Palmer, was no longer a threat because he was dead, yes? Officially, sir, yes.
Was that such a bad result, Crabbe, pragmatically speaking? No, sir.
But how about morally speaking? How do we do on that score? I´ve been looking through your record, Crabbe.
There´s a lot to be proud of here, Inspector.
Although your suspension because of the Hooperman business does mean that there is a question mark over your good name.
It seems the one thing you most desire now is to be granted retirement, yes? I would welcome retirement, yes, sir.
Might I suggest that you were mistaken in thinking you saw Palmer alive and that you make no official report of the sighting? Then I would have every confidence that a way could be found to open the door to a long and fruitful retirement for you.
Well, Inspector? If I´m to treat my own pension as some kind of a bribe, I don´t think I want it at all.
This isn´t about being pragmatic, sir, it´s immoral and corrupt.
Watch what you´re saying, Crabbe! If you took money from Vince Palmer to help him evade justice, you´re not only unfit to be a senior police officer, you ought to be behind bars yourself.
You´re wrong, Crabbe.
I never had a penny from Palmer.
I´ve never committed a corrupt act.
Never.
My only mistake was in not realizing at the time that I´d been duped.
It wasn´t me who signed the confirmation of Palmer´s death, it was your old colleague, Inspector Watson.
Do you really expect me to believe that? Take a look at the signature for yourself, man.
Well, I´m sorry.
I don´t know what to say.
My main concern now is not to damage the public image of the force.
As I said, I´m a pragmatist in these matters.
But you must act as your conscious dictates, Inspector.
Yes, sir.
You see? We should have had some music.
It´s like a bloody morgue in here.
I don´t think taped Muzak is quite Henry´s style.
Ah, Margaret.
Everything under control? Yes, yes, perfectly.
God, is he still not here yet?! Afraid not.
How are we doing, Steve? Are the starters ready yet? Margaret, oysters have to be opened at the last minute.
There´s well over 200 there.
Let me manage them on my own.
Don´t look at me.
I wouldn´t know where to begin.
Bloody police force.
I´ll sue the whole lot of them! Why, Tom? Why? Och, I´d have enough of the job.
I wanted out for some time.
Palmer offered me 100,000.
You must realize how tempting that was.
Helped me make my family secure, set all this up.
Helped me get my dream.
I´m certain Graeme Stokes suspected.
He made sure they got the glory in nicking all the others, but he never said nothing.
Well he´s too clever for that.
Hey, just because Stokes let it go, that doesn´t make it right.
Oh, come on, Henry.
It´s not a question of right or wrong.
For God´s sake, if they´re offering your retirement, take it and forget all this.
Just forget it.
And what about that security guard? Eh? A nothing job for nothing pay, but he did his duty.
And what did he get for it? Palmer´s shotgun blowing his face off, and why? For nothing, nothing at all.
Oh, he didn´t die, but where´s his life? So, you take Palmer´s 100,000 and he gets away with his wickedness.
Well, fine, fair enough.
That´s your choice, but don´t expect me to condone it.
[SIGHS.]
They´re telling me now I can take my retirement as long as I just forget about this and walk away.
Cor! I don´t know which is worse Palmer, you, or Stokes.
So, what are you going to do? I honestly don´t know.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
It´s looking very cramped now it´s filling up, I knew it would.
Brian, we have had 40 in here before.
I hope you´ve come to tell me he´s arrived.
Steve´s gashed his hand, Margaret.
It´s pouring blood.
Oh, my God! STEVEN: Sorry, Margaret, that bloody oyster knife slipped.
You must go down to casualty.
No, I´m all right.
I´m needed here.
Don´t be stupid, you can´t work with a wound like that.
Margaret, who´s going to open a barrel of that lot? Just go! [SIGHS.]
Where the blazes are you? I could kill you, Henry Crabbe! [HORN HONKS.]
Oh, my God! It can´t be that.
I´m sorry! I´m I´m so, so sorry! I completely lost the time.
How are we doing? They´re on the starters.
Good, good.
I can´t where where´s Steve? Gone to hospital.
What?! - He had an accident, cut his finger.
- Oh, my God! Well, then who, who, who did the who did the starters? Mrs.
Crabbe.
Mrs.
Oh, my what?! [MEN SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Ha ha! Margaret?! You mean Margaret actually opened up and served up 20 dozen Whitstable oysters? MARGARET: Nope.
Margaret raided your precious smoked salmon store.
Where the hell have you been?! [STAMMERING.]
You mean the oak-smoked sal the Scottish sa All of it?! With lemon wedges and brown bread and butter.
John helped me.
Excuse me.
Oh, don´t tremble like that, Henry.
It´s a fish course, isn´t it? But that salmon was essential to my new menu! It was supposed to last us for the next three weeks! I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with 20 dozen Whitstable oysters, for God´s sake?! Do you have any idea how much this stuff costs? Never mind about that.
Everyone who is anyone in Middleton, not to mention Fukuoka, Japan, is expecting two more courses.
Now come on! Oh, my God, yes.
Well, the pies are all right.
It´s Colcannon.
Right, right.
Potatoes.
Yes, cabbage, spring onions.
Now, Margaret, I need butter and cream.
Quickly, quickly, Please, Margaret.
Time is of the essence here.
Well, we can do no more than let our carefully considered proposal speak for itself.
And we leave you to judge our town and what it has to offer.
I will say this, though and I´m a Yorkshireman, so I speak me mind [LAUGHTER.]
I have never eaten in this restaurant before.
But that is without doubt one of the finest meals that I have ever eaten.
And you´ll find no better than that in any of the other towns.
So to Henry and Margaret you did us proud! Hear, hear! [POLICE RADIO CRACKLES.]
[DOG BARKING.]
I won´t be gone long.
Well done.
What? The dinner.
It was a great success.
It was mainly thanks to you, Margaret.
Really.
You know, you could have saved yourselves a journey.
I was just coming out to the station myself.
I think we´ve saved you a journey.
Following advice from DS Andrews here, I made an official report on the sighting of a man I had reason to believe was Vincent Brian Palmer.
He was arrested a short time ago.
Following consultation with ACC Fisher, ex-Inspector Watson has also been brought in for questioning.
I´m sorry if you think I did wrong, sir, but I felt it was my duty.
No, you didn´t do wrong.
You didn´t do wrong.
And I thought it might save you from a difficult decision.
Good night, sir.
Good night.
Good night.
You know I know how you feel, but if it means anything at all, it is good to be reminded every now and again of why I married the man I did.