Pitch Perfect: Bumper in Berlin (2022) s01e04 Episode Script
Streicheleinheit
1
[BELL TINKLES]
[PEN CLICKS, WRITING]
[SINGING IN GERMAN]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Enjoy this.
It might be worth something someday.
Well, I don't know. We'll see.
It's an honor to meet you, Bumper.
I'm really obsessed with your song.
The pleasure's all mine.
I couldn't have done it
without the support of my fans.
And my songwriter. Maybe she signs it?
- Sure.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Oh, this is so exciting!
I've been practicing my signature
since I was a little kid.
God damn it. "G?"
There's no "G" in Heidi.
What were you thinking?
See you, man.
[PHONE NOTIFICATION PINGS]
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no, what?
So last night when I didn't
have sex with Gisela
Wait, what?
I said I didn't have sex with her.
She came on to me after we had drinks.
- But I denied her the cake.
- Oh, why?
Because I'm focused on you, Bumper.
This currywurst gets no mustard
until your career is bing, bang, bomb.
You know you didn't have to do that.
I knew she was gonna lose her poops
when I didn't give her the pudding,
and I was right
because she just texted me this.
You can't tell me when to sing ♪
Can't tell me what to do ♪
So watch me sing right now ♪
I sing when I want to ♪
Ooh ♪
I sing when I want to ♪
I sing when I want to sing ♪
And now's when I want to sing ♪
But it's 'cause I wanna
sing, so it's not for you ♪
I sing when I want to ♪
Boys, don't feel like you can't sing ♪
If to sing's your
thing, then go off, King ♪
Lest your voice has no cred ♪
Is it catchy to you?
Your whole head's a loaf of bread ♪
You're a corncob-looking corny fella ♪
You love milk and a cappella ♪
Don't try to sing,
just drink a gallon ♪
Milquetoast, corn boy, Bumper Allen ♪
I sing when I want to ♪
Ooh, talkin' about you, Bumper Allen ♪
Oh, it's really not good to me.
Bumper Allen ♪
This isn't about you, Bumper Allen ♪
I sing when I want to ♪
It's a diss track.
And even worse, it's a bop.
You should have given her your pudding.
I should have given her the pudding.
Yeah, the song is
surprisingly empowering.
Man, I feel like a woman
in a way that only "Man!
I Feel Like a Woman!"
makes me feel like a woman.
I'm not like what she said
in the video and catchy song.
I'm not, like, a corny a cappella guy.
I'm cool, right?
Right?
Right? Hey, I'm cool, right?
Of course you're cool, man.
My mom and I listen to
your song every night
on the way back from
birdwatching excursions.
Oh, God.
I'm not cool.
The only thing dorkier
than birds or excursions.
Hey, that's why people like you.
You're relatable.
And besides, the world
was built by dorks.
You think a cool guy
invented Stonehenge?
No way, dork central.
Total virgin stuff.
Yeah, that's where I'm gonna agree
to disagree with you, Heids.
This is an emergency.
We have to fix my image
if I'm gonna be a star.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[VOCALIZING]
♪
I mean, I love all 11 fans we just met,
but I want cool people to like me too.
It can't be that hard for
Berliners to accept me.
I've been in Germany
for what, a month now?
I have to reinvent myself.
Go from Bumper to Humper.
I've had sex.
He has a point.
Unity Day is as much
a popularity contest
- as it is a talent contest.
- Yep.
It couldn't hurt for Bumper to
appeal to a wider demographic.
Gisela clearly is.
Maybe he needs a flashy
video to outdo her.
That's what I'm talking about, videos!
All the greats have videos.
Madonna, the girl from "The Ring."
But how do we make it cool?
Verdammt.
I have an idea.
- Okay.
- [SPEAKING GERMAN]
Oh [SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
We get Klaus to direct the video.
If Unity Day committee sees
Bumper in Klaus's orbit,
you'll be guaranteed a spot.
And let's just say aloud, who is Klaus?
Only the most famous avant-garde
artist and director in Berlin,
and no one knows his real name.
He just goes by Klaus, like Banksy.
Like Wario.
Whoa, okay.
Wario, "I'm-a gonna win."
He loves to work with musicians.
When Ed Sheeran wanted
to reinvent himself
into a bad boy, he went to Klaus.
Ed is actually a
brunette from New Jersey.
Shh.
I mean, this Klaus guy seems perfect.
- You think we can land him?
- We can try.
Can't wait for this guy to
help me achieve my dreams
and crush my nemesis.
Oh, my God, that is so cool.
I have a nemesis.
I'm basically Lord Voldemort.
[SINGING IN GERMAN]
♪
[GASPS] There's Klaus.
You must impress him if you
want him to direct your video.
My God, he looks so epic.
Looks like a wizard or a warlock.
- Let's just go say hi.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You don't just go say hi to Klaus, okay?
Why don't you grab some paper towels
for Bumper's very shiny forehead
while the rest of us try
to come up with a plan.
♪
Da, da, da, da, da, da,
looks good, just don't
you can look, but you better not touch.
You know that song?
It's fine. It just
looks we'll fix it.
[HUMMING]
You can't tell me when to sing ♪
Can't tell me what to do ♪
So watch me sing right now ♪
I sing when I want to ♪
[CHUCKLES]
Gisela?
- What the
- Yes.
Welcome to me.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, gets so hot in this outfit.
Over 40 degrees Celsius,
which, as you know,
is a hot temperature.
Yeah.
So you like my single, eh?
I have to admit, I do.
The song is very empowering.
It feels like it was
written just for me.
Well, I have to say,
I also like your song,
Miss Heidi Miller.
Wait, you remember me?
Of course.
You are Bumper Allen's
talented little songstress.
Now I want you to be mine.
You have been working
for Pieter for years,
and where has it gotten you?
Well, I guess the bathroom.
But to be fair, he is a good boss.
Has Pieter even given you a
salary increase, a promotion,
- paid sex leave?
- I can get paid for that?
Oh, with me you can.
Come and be my songwriter, Heidi.
My star is rising,
whereas Bumper Allen
is two octaves short
of a children's keyboard.
He does not have the range.
Uh, I've never really thought
about it like that before,
but I don't think I can work for you.
Not for me, Heidi.
With me.
Next to me.
Under me.
Under there.
Under where?
You see?
I made you say "underwear."
Already our working
relationship is so
intimate.
[CLICKS TEETH]
[GASPS] I should go.
Mm.
They're probably wondering where I am.
[CHUCKLES] Ah, ah.
Here.
[CHUCKLES]
Hi.
Oh, Heidi, we forgot you left.
Okay, when you talk to
Klaus, remember to "smose."
Smile with your nose.
Okay? Am I doing it?
Oh, quick, he's coming. Look cool.
Hey! Do not touch my art.
The art should only touch you.
Okay.
And you both should know better.
BOTH: Sorry, Papa.
Papa?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I wish I could say it was a pleasure,
but then what is pleasure?
What is pleasure?
So our plan for my future was
to get your dad to help me?
I have worked for you for seven years,
and you have never told me
that Klaus is your father.
Klaus doesn't like us to
tell people we are related.
It's just too complicated for him
to be a father and an artist,
so he's mostly just an artist.
He never really did normal
father stuff with us.
I've still never been
to an amusement park.
Only to Marfa, Texas.
But all the sacrifices
he made in fatherhood
has made him that much
better of a director,
so lucky us.
You're right. He is the best.
We need to land him.
If you say so.
[CLEARS THROAT] Papa?
- Speak.
- Okay.
Mr. Klaus, it would be an honor
if you would direct my music video
and fully reinvent me.
Reinvent me?
I don't think so.
It seems like you like
to take things apart
and make them cooler.
That is exactly what I need.
Just think of me as
one of these mannequins.
I am blank, pliable,
and completely hairless.
Like a Barbie.
[PATTING STOMACH RHYTHMICALLY]
[CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]
What are you doing?
♪
I'm a Barbie girl
in the Barbie world ♪
Life in plastic, it's fantastic ♪
You can brush my hair,
undress me everywhere ♪
Imagination, life is your creation ♪
Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪
Bow, bow, bow ♪
Make me walk, make me talk ♪
Do whatever you please ♪
I can act like a star,
I can beg on my knees ♪
Come jump in, be my friend ♪
Let us do it again ♪
Hit the town, fool
around, let's go party ♪
ALL: You can touch ♪
You can play ♪
If you say, I'm always yours ♪
ALL: I'm a Barbie girl
in the Barbie world ♪
Life is plastic, it's fantastic ♪
You can brush my hair,
undress me everywhere ♪
Imagination, life is your creation ♪
Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪
ALL: Ah, ah, ah, yeah ♪
Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪
ALL: Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa ♪
Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪
ALL: Ah, ah, ah, yeah ♪
Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪
ALL: Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa ♪
[ALL CHEERING]
- Yeah!
- Bravo.
Yes!
Bravo, bravo.
I liked it, very strong.
We start work tomorrow.
But you must give your
whole self to my vision.
Of course. Yeah, absolutely.
See you tomorrow.
See you!
Goodbye, Leah.
Goodbye, Penis.
Did he just call you penis?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[SINGING IN GERMAN]
♪
That's the one.
[GASPS]
Hello.
Oh, splendid.
An offering to the purple hamburger god.
Bumper and I have America night
where we eat fast food
and we watch our favorite
American reality show,
"I Gave Birth at the Circus."
They were on the trapeze ♪
Now they're having babies ♪
BOTH: I gave birth at the circus ♪
Wait, what happened to you?
[IN GERMAN ACCENT]
Ciao, darling. [KISSES]
This is the look that Klaus gave me.
Aw, he got rid of your cowlick?
It reminded me of my first crush,
Dennis the Menace.
The cowlick was a nerd antenna.
It had to go bye, bye.
Snip, snip, bitch.
- Okay, you can stop.
- Okay.
Well, I'm very excited
that we're hanging
'cause I've had a confusing week,
and I need to decompress by finding out
if they caught the baby before it went
through the ring of fire.
- Spoiler alert, they didn't.
- [GASPS]
I know. But I do have some good news.
Klaus had a few thoughts about the music
and lyrics to your song.
Instead of the chorus how we have it,
he wanted it more like
wordless Gregorian chanting
over the metal screams of the U-Bahn,
so of course I said yeah.
What the hell?
You can't just change my song.
I finally thought that
we were on the same page
about our partnership.
I barely recognize you.
And that's a good thing.
This was the team's genius plan.
Okay, can I be real with you?
In college, I was the
king of mouth music.
Der Konig der Mundmusik.
But now, I'm der konig
der big fat nothing.
Even you said I was a dork.
Klaus can change all that.
He's my one shot to make
all my dreams come true.
Well, it's your career.
And if you're realizing that maybe
there's more for you out there,
then maybe you should
consider the options
that were presented
to you in the bathroom.
Are we still talking about me?
Because I haven't gone
to the bathroom in hours.
Klaus makes me hold it
until I can taste it.
[SIGHS]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
♪
Gisela? Let's meet up.
I'd like to talk to you.
Okay, Heidi. That was great practice.
Now let's call her for real.
[BELL RINGS]
Hey.
Have you seen Heidi?
She was being weird last time I saw her.
[GASPS] Papa.
Look, Papa's here.
- You look amazing.
- Thank you.
Like my friend Trinity
from "The Matrix."
You think so?
And before we start talking,
I want to say Pieter, Thea,
thank you so much for
bringing him to me,
my new friend.
Also, Pieter, what a big boy you become.
It's okay.
That's literally everything
I've ever wanted to hear.
I know.
But I don't trust it.
Let's walk to my vision.
Bumper is singing,
and then he meet his doppelganger.
Doppelganger.
Huh?
And step him over, and over, and over.
Killing his past.
- What?
- Ryan.
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Howdy, do you like my stripes?
I'm getting into character.
Yeah, we like your stripes.
I don't look like that.
Do I look like that?
Um
Bumper, are you okay with this idea?
He's condemning everything
you've ever done.
Well, it was your idea
to work with your dad
'cause you didn't
think I was cool enough.
And yeah, no, I trust Klaus's vision.
Yeah, Thea, it's not so bad.
Okay, sure, Bumper's getting stabbed,
but he's doing the stabbing.
Pieter, I know it's
Papa, but this is wrong.
[SCOFFS] Let's not rock the boat.
Papa called me a big boy.
Well, are you a boy-ager
or a manager?
[EXHALES SOFTLY]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Say, Papa?
Yeah?
Maybe we should dial this back a bit.
It is cruel, okay?
You're making fun of a friend.
You do this thing where your work comes
before anyone else's ideas.
Or wanting to go to the amusement park.
You know, Pieter, I
am the most respected,
most expensive artist in Berlin,
and you are an outcast.
[TENSE MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Okay, first you bully Bumper.
Now you bully Pieter?
I knew this was a bad idea.
Come on, Bumper. This isn't you.
Guys, I mean, come on.
This is Klaus.
This is the only way I
could become someone else
and prove Gisela wrong.
You said so yourself.
Without this video,
I'll never be the person
I need to be to be a star.
I mean, Ed Sheeran, you guys.
[TENSE MUSIC]
He chose me.
♪
Send them home.
Say goodbye to your friends.
♪
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Also, I actually drank
a lot of water today.
- Do you mind if I use
- No.
I told you not to drink so much.
- I'll just pinch it shut.
- Yep.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
I am just so excited that
this is all working out.
Thank you.
Oh, Heidi, I'm so happy
that you are leaving Bumper
to become my songwriter.
I already feel like we are two
best friends at summer camp,
exploring each other's bodies, you know?
Yeah, it, uh it was a tough decision.
But in the end, like your song says,
break every rule if the rule is wrong.
So here I am being wild.
Whoo!
I'm sorry, was that too loud?
Oh, no, I like it loud.
Okay, good.
With our two talents combined,
that newcomer slot will be mine,
and you will be offered
your paid sex leaves
that I promised you.
Ooh. I wonder who the lucky guy is.
Or girl. Who knows?
Well, I have jotted
down a list of 30 themes
we could explore that really push
the girl power message in your music.
"Sing When You Want To" could
be the tip of the ice-herg.
And yes, I said "herg,"
as in "herstory."
- [CHORTLES]
- Okay.
Just a little wordplay for you.
Yeah, wow.
I, uh that is really impressive.
And I appreciate your work ethic
and your penmanship,
but I'm not really looking
for, like, song ideas right now.
Uh, what do you mean?
Isn't that why you hired me?
Well, I actually think
you might be most valuable
on a more, like, micro level.
Like, perhaps providing
insider information
that could help me, um
[CLEARS THROAT] take Bumper down.
Oh.
Well, if you have great songs,
then you will take him down.
Yes, but I don't just
want to beat him, Heidi.
I want to destroy him.
This is personal.
He humiliated me live
on my own social media.
- Yeah.
- And then Pieter rejected me.
Rejected me!
Even after I German kissed him.
It's like a French kiss,
but your mouth tastes like sauerkraut.
It's actually really good.
But I just want to stick it to him!
Since he wouldn't stick it to me.
[TENSE MUSIC]
[CLEARS THROAT] Yeah, well, I
I don't know if this
is what I signed up for.
Oh, sure it is, Heidi. Come on.
You're tired of the way
they are treating you.
Otherwise, why would you
even be here meeting with me?
You gotta learn how to assert yourself.
If you don't, then [SCOFFS]
Who will?
I'm super pumped that
my friends are gone.
Do you think they're
eating sandwiches right now?
I love sandwiches.
Time to kill your doppelganger.
Uh, yeah, okay, right now? Okay, yeah.
It's time to kill my doppelganger.
You know, maybe after we do that,
you text Pieter and Thea
and apologize, and say you're sorry,
and make up or whatever.
I don't apologize, and I don't text.
I send my messages with an evil pigeon.
Okay.
Let us begin.
[BELL RINGS]
You can go all out with me.
I stretched beforehand.
Action!
They don't know my name ♪
♪
Witness your old self.
♪
They don't know my name ♪
♪
They don't know my name ♪
Now, kill him.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Kill that loser.
[ECHOING] Loser, loser.
- Oh!
- Thanks, Bumper.
♪
To Bumper!
Kill that bastard!
Kill that loser Bumper!
Ah!
Ah!
Durr, I'm Bumper Allen,
and I couldn't have done
it without my team, ugh.
♪
Kill him!
[GASPS]
Ah!
Yeah, I'm not gonna do this.
I can't shoot this video.
Bumper's out.
How dare you walk away from me?
Good luck getting on to
Unity Day without my help.
[SCREAMING IN GERMAN]
Pieter!
Thea!
How am I ever going
to find these guys
Hey, there they are.
Oh, my God, whew!
And you guys are eating sandwiches.
I knew it.
Well, if you're going
to drown your sorrows
in delicious meat on the street,
Berlin is the place to do it.
Bumper, what are you doing here?
- I thought you made your choice.
- Yeah, the wrong choice.
I fired your father.
You guys are right.
I never should have
turned my back on who I am.
The who I am is who got me
to Germany to meet you guys.
I was so focused on being cool,
I just I got lost in the sauce.
I'm sorry.
Well, we are sorry we introduced you
to him and his sauce.
I think deep down, I
just wanted an excuse
to talk to him.
Part of me keeps hoping he'll change
every time I see him, but he won't.
Too much sauce.
He's a dick.
Oh, my God. I can finally say it.
- My daddy's a dick!
- Yes!
- And I greatly dislike Marfa!
- It sucks!
- I've been there.
- Wow.
Bumper, I'm impressed.
Pieter never said anything mean
about Papa before he met you.
I bring out the worst in people.
Well, it wasn't just Bumper.
You had my back today.
At least I have one
family member that does.
Always.
Okay, not always, but from now on.
- That's fine.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- Aw, that's cute.
- But shut up real quick.
- Okay, shh!
- Just please be quiet.
- Oh, so
- You're still talking, though.
- I should
- Quiet, just be quiet.
- This a quiet time?
Okay, could we just do the same thing?
Make up, be all cute and
stuff, but with Heidi?
Where do Americans like to
go besides the Oregon Trail?
Chuck E. Cheese?
I think I have an idea
of where she might be.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Heidi?
- Oh, uh
- Cute place.
How do you know about it?
I actually told her about it
because I play bar trivia here.
- Huh.
- You do?
Mm-hmm.
The other day you sucked
when we all watched Jeopardy.
Okay, well, since when
is Prince Albert a person?
Anyway, Heidi,
I wanted to tell you
that I finally stood up
for myself, and I fired Klaus.
And I should have stood up for you too.
I love our partnership,
and I shouldn't have let
him get in the way of us
and change our song.
While we're admitting things,
I have one for all of you.
Wait, are you the one who's
breaking into my drawer
and taking little bites out of my socks?
- What no.
- Okay.
Well, they're still out there.
Bumper, it's never mind.
- Gisela tried to recruit me.
- What?
- She's diabolical.
- Yeah.
She told me that she wanted
me to be her songwriter.
What did you say?
To be honest, I considered it.
You know, I felt like I've been
treated like an afterthought,
and you guys didn't see me as a peer.
Oh, Heidi, I do see you as a peer.
If I was on trial for murder,
you could be in the jury.
- You'd make a great juror.
- Aw.
That's sweet of you guys to say.
But, no, I realized something
after saying no to her.
I'm not working for Gisela
because I care about you guys.
And she goes after what she
wants for better or worse,
and I have been an assistant
for a very long time
and that is not your fault, Pieter.
A lot of my insecurities
came from my own fear.
But if I don't take a
risk, I don't grow, so
[CLEARS THROAT] I can't
work for you anymore.
But do you want to work for me
and be my manager as a songwriter?
[SOFT MUSIC]
This is an obvious no-brainer.
[EXHALES] Awesome.
- Yeah, shake on it, cool.
- Wait, so is that a yes?
- That was a yes.
- Okay.
- Ah, group hug!
- We shook on it.
Let's hug right now. Oh,
this is our group hug.
Oh, my God, I love being
dorks who group hug.
I wish we had a video, though.
Klaus was supposed to help us
take attention away from Gisela.
Uh,
I just came up with another plan.
- Again?
- I know!
How does it keep happening?
It actually hurts a little bit.
It's all in my head ♪
It's all in my heart ♪
The light always finds a way
to shine through the dark ♪
It's way too late now ♪
But turning around ♪
I'm right at the edge ♪
But I'ma figure it out ♪
♪
They don't know my name ♪
♪
Today I'm gonna make
it out this room ♪
I don't have nothing to lose ♪
I'll be patient 'cause
I know it's on the way ♪
But they don't know my name ♪
♪
They don't know my name ♪
I think we did a really great job,
even without Klaus.
I am so glad you didn't
go work for Gisela.
I would have really missed you.
I would have missed you guys too.
But now that I'm a songwriter,
and Pieter's over Gisela,
as long as we don't make
it complicated again,
it should all be smooth sailing.
Agreed.
See you Thursday for
"Birth at the Circus?"
Uh, duh.
Last week was such a cliffhanger.
- I got to know if
- BOTH: The lion ate the placenta.
- I know.
- Great.
Oh, my God. 'Cause he's going for it.
- But it's a lion.
- Cliffhanger.
- See you Thursday.
- See you.
[SIGHS]
God, she is so great.
She's so great.
Oh, she's so great.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Oh, no.
I'm in love with Heidi.
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
♪
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
♪
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
♪
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
♪
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
♪
We're in love with Heidi ♪
He's in love with Heidi ♪
She's in love with Heidi ♪
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
She's in love with Heidi ♪
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
[BELL TINKLES]
[PEN CLICKS, WRITING]
[SINGING IN GERMAN]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Enjoy this.
It might be worth something someday.
Well, I don't know. We'll see.
It's an honor to meet you, Bumper.
I'm really obsessed with your song.
The pleasure's all mine.
I couldn't have done it
without the support of my fans.
And my songwriter. Maybe she signs it?
- Sure.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Oh, this is so exciting!
I've been practicing my signature
since I was a little kid.
God damn it. "G?"
There's no "G" in Heidi.
What were you thinking?
See you, man.
[PHONE NOTIFICATION PINGS]
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no, what?
So last night when I didn't
have sex with Gisela
Wait, what?
I said I didn't have sex with her.
She came on to me after we had drinks.
- But I denied her the cake.
- Oh, why?
Because I'm focused on you, Bumper.
This currywurst gets no mustard
until your career is bing, bang, bomb.
You know you didn't have to do that.
I knew she was gonna lose her poops
when I didn't give her the pudding,
and I was right
because she just texted me this.
You can't tell me when to sing ♪
Can't tell me what to do ♪
So watch me sing right now ♪
I sing when I want to ♪
Ooh ♪
I sing when I want to ♪
I sing when I want to sing ♪
And now's when I want to sing ♪
But it's 'cause I wanna
sing, so it's not for you ♪
I sing when I want to ♪
Boys, don't feel like you can't sing ♪
If to sing's your
thing, then go off, King ♪
Lest your voice has no cred ♪
Is it catchy to you?
Your whole head's a loaf of bread ♪
You're a corncob-looking corny fella ♪
You love milk and a cappella ♪
Don't try to sing,
just drink a gallon ♪
Milquetoast, corn boy, Bumper Allen ♪
I sing when I want to ♪
Ooh, talkin' about you, Bumper Allen ♪
Oh, it's really not good to me.
Bumper Allen ♪
This isn't about you, Bumper Allen ♪
I sing when I want to ♪
It's a diss track.
And even worse, it's a bop.
You should have given her your pudding.
I should have given her the pudding.
Yeah, the song is
surprisingly empowering.
Man, I feel like a woman
in a way that only "Man!
I Feel Like a Woman!"
makes me feel like a woman.
I'm not like what she said
in the video and catchy song.
I'm not, like, a corny a cappella guy.
I'm cool, right?
Right?
Right? Hey, I'm cool, right?
Of course you're cool, man.
My mom and I listen to
your song every night
on the way back from
birdwatching excursions.
Oh, God.
I'm not cool.
The only thing dorkier
than birds or excursions.
Hey, that's why people like you.
You're relatable.
And besides, the world
was built by dorks.
You think a cool guy
invented Stonehenge?
No way, dork central.
Total virgin stuff.
Yeah, that's where I'm gonna agree
to disagree with you, Heids.
This is an emergency.
We have to fix my image
if I'm gonna be a star.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[VOCALIZING]
♪
I mean, I love all 11 fans we just met,
but I want cool people to like me too.
It can't be that hard for
Berliners to accept me.
I've been in Germany
for what, a month now?
I have to reinvent myself.
Go from Bumper to Humper.
I've had sex.
He has a point.
Unity Day is as much
a popularity contest
- as it is a talent contest.
- Yep.
It couldn't hurt for Bumper to
appeal to a wider demographic.
Gisela clearly is.
Maybe he needs a flashy
video to outdo her.
That's what I'm talking about, videos!
All the greats have videos.
Madonna, the girl from "The Ring."
But how do we make it cool?
Verdammt.
I have an idea.
- Okay.
- [SPEAKING GERMAN]
Oh [SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
We get Klaus to direct the video.
If Unity Day committee sees
Bumper in Klaus's orbit,
you'll be guaranteed a spot.
And let's just say aloud, who is Klaus?
Only the most famous avant-garde
artist and director in Berlin,
and no one knows his real name.
He just goes by Klaus, like Banksy.
Like Wario.
Whoa, okay.
Wario, "I'm-a gonna win."
He loves to work with musicians.
When Ed Sheeran wanted
to reinvent himself
into a bad boy, he went to Klaus.
Ed is actually a
brunette from New Jersey.
Shh.
I mean, this Klaus guy seems perfect.
- You think we can land him?
- We can try.
Can't wait for this guy to
help me achieve my dreams
and crush my nemesis.
Oh, my God, that is so cool.
I have a nemesis.
I'm basically Lord Voldemort.
[SINGING IN GERMAN]
♪
[GASPS] There's Klaus.
You must impress him if you
want him to direct your video.
My God, he looks so epic.
Looks like a wizard or a warlock.
- Let's just go say hi.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You don't just go say hi to Klaus, okay?
Why don't you grab some paper towels
for Bumper's very shiny forehead
while the rest of us try
to come up with a plan.
♪
Da, da, da, da, da, da,
looks good, just don't
you can look, but you better not touch.
You know that song?
It's fine. It just
looks we'll fix it.
[HUMMING]
You can't tell me when to sing ♪
Can't tell me what to do ♪
So watch me sing right now ♪
I sing when I want to ♪
[CHUCKLES]
Gisela?
- What the
- Yes.
Welcome to me.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, gets so hot in this outfit.
Over 40 degrees Celsius,
which, as you know,
is a hot temperature.
Yeah.
So you like my single, eh?
I have to admit, I do.
The song is very empowering.
It feels like it was
written just for me.
Well, I have to say,
I also like your song,
Miss Heidi Miller.
Wait, you remember me?
Of course.
You are Bumper Allen's
talented little songstress.
Now I want you to be mine.
You have been working
for Pieter for years,
and where has it gotten you?
Well, I guess the bathroom.
But to be fair, he is a good boss.
Has Pieter even given you a
salary increase, a promotion,
- paid sex leave?
- I can get paid for that?
Oh, with me you can.
Come and be my songwriter, Heidi.
My star is rising,
whereas Bumper Allen
is two octaves short
of a children's keyboard.
He does not have the range.
Uh, I've never really thought
about it like that before,
but I don't think I can work for you.
Not for me, Heidi.
With me.
Next to me.
Under me.
Under there.
Under where?
You see?
I made you say "underwear."
Already our working
relationship is so
intimate.
[CLICKS TEETH]
[GASPS] I should go.
Mm.
They're probably wondering where I am.
[CHUCKLES] Ah, ah.
Here.
[CHUCKLES]
Hi.
Oh, Heidi, we forgot you left.
Okay, when you talk to
Klaus, remember to "smose."
Smile with your nose.
Okay? Am I doing it?
Oh, quick, he's coming. Look cool.
Hey! Do not touch my art.
The art should only touch you.
Okay.
And you both should know better.
BOTH: Sorry, Papa.
Papa?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I wish I could say it was a pleasure,
but then what is pleasure?
What is pleasure?
So our plan for my future was
to get your dad to help me?
I have worked for you for seven years,
and you have never told me
that Klaus is your father.
Klaus doesn't like us to
tell people we are related.
It's just too complicated for him
to be a father and an artist,
so he's mostly just an artist.
He never really did normal
father stuff with us.
I've still never been
to an amusement park.
Only to Marfa, Texas.
But all the sacrifices
he made in fatherhood
has made him that much
better of a director,
so lucky us.
You're right. He is the best.
We need to land him.
If you say so.
[CLEARS THROAT] Papa?
- Speak.
- Okay.
Mr. Klaus, it would be an honor
if you would direct my music video
and fully reinvent me.
Reinvent me?
I don't think so.
It seems like you like
to take things apart
and make them cooler.
That is exactly what I need.
Just think of me as
one of these mannequins.
I am blank, pliable,
and completely hairless.
Like a Barbie.
[PATTING STOMACH RHYTHMICALLY]
[CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]
What are you doing?
♪
I'm a Barbie girl
in the Barbie world ♪
Life in plastic, it's fantastic ♪
You can brush my hair,
undress me everywhere ♪
Imagination, life is your creation ♪
Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪
Bow, bow, bow ♪
Make me walk, make me talk ♪
Do whatever you please ♪
I can act like a star,
I can beg on my knees ♪
Come jump in, be my friend ♪
Let us do it again ♪
Hit the town, fool
around, let's go party ♪
ALL: You can touch ♪
You can play ♪
If you say, I'm always yours ♪
ALL: I'm a Barbie girl
in the Barbie world ♪
Life is plastic, it's fantastic ♪
You can brush my hair,
undress me everywhere ♪
Imagination, life is your creation ♪
Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪
ALL: Ah, ah, ah, yeah ♪
Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪
ALL: Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa ♪
Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪
ALL: Ah, ah, ah, yeah ♪
Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪
ALL: Ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa ♪
[ALL CHEERING]
- Yeah!
- Bravo.
Yes!
Bravo, bravo.
I liked it, very strong.
We start work tomorrow.
But you must give your
whole self to my vision.
Of course. Yeah, absolutely.
See you tomorrow.
See you!
Goodbye, Leah.
Goodbye, Penis.
Did he just call you penis?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[SINGING IN GERMAN]
♪
That's the one.
[GASPS]
Hello.
Oh, splendid.
An offering to the purple hamburger god.
Bumper and I have America night
where we eat fast food
and we watch our favorite
American reality show,
"I Gave Birth at the Circus."
They were on the trapeze ♪
Now they're having babies ♪
BOTH: I gave birth at the circus ♪
Wait, what happened to you?
[IN GERMAN ACCENT]
Ciao, darling. [KISSES]
This is the look that Klaus gave me.
Aw, he got rid of your cowlick?
It reminded me of my first crush,
Dennis the Menace.
The cowlick was a nerd antenna.
It had to go bye, bye.
Snip, snip, bitch.
- Okay, you can stop.
- Okay.
Well, I'm very excited
that we're hanging
'cause I've had a confusing week,
and I need to decompress by finding out
if they caught the baby before it went
through the ring of fire.
- Spoiler alert, they didn't.
- [GASPS]
I know. But I do have some good news.
Klaus had a few thoughts about the music
and lyrics to your song.
Instead of the chorus how we have it,
he wanted it more like
wordless Gregorian chanting
over the metal screams of the U-Bahn,
so of course I said yeah.
What the hell?
You can't just change my song.
I finally thought that
we were on the same page
about our partnership.
I barely recognize you.
And that's a good thing.
This was the team's genius plan.
Okay, can I be real with you?
In college, I was the
king of mouth music.
Der Konig der Mundmusik.
But now, I'm der konig
der big fat nothing.
Even you said I was a dork.
Klaus can change all that.
He's my one shot to make
all my dreams come true.
Well, it's your career.
And if you're realizing that maybe
there's more for you out there,
then maybe you should
consider the options
that were presented
to you in the bathroom.
Are we still talking about me?
Because I haven't gone
to the bathroom in hours.
Klaus makes me hold it
until I can taste it.
[SIGHS]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
♪
Gisela? Let's meet up.
I'd like to talk to you.
Okay, Heidi. That was great practice.
Now let's call her for real.
[BELL RINGS]
Hey.
Have you seen Heidi?
She was being weird last time I saw her.
[GASPS] Papa.
Look, Papa's here.
- You look amazing.
- Thank you.
Like my friend Trinity
from "The Matrix."
You think so?
And before we start talking,
I want to say Pieter, Thea,
thank you so much for
bringing him to me,
my new friend.
Also, Pieter, what a big boy you become.
It's okay.
That's literally everything
I've ever wanted to hear.
I know.
But I don't trust it.
Let's walk to my vision.
Bumper is singing,
and then he meet his doppelganger.
Doppelganger.
Huh?
And step him over, and over, and over.
Killing his past.
- What?
- Ryan.
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Howdy, do you like my stripes?
I'm getting into character.
Yeah, we like your stripes.
I don't look like that.
Do I look like that?
Um
Bumper, are you okay with this idea?
He's condemning everything
you've ever done.
Well, it was your idea
to work with your dad
'cause you didn't
think I was cool enough.
And yeah, no, I trust Klaus's vision.
Yeah, Thea, it's not so bad.
Okay, sure, Bumper's getting stabbed,
but he's doing the stabbing.
Pieter, I know it's
Papa, but this is wrong.
[SCOFFS] Let's not rock the boat.
Papa called me a big boy.
Well, are you a boy-ager
or a manager?
[EXHALES SOFTLY]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Say, Papa?
Yeah?
Maybe we should dial this back a bit.
It is cruel, okay?
You're making fun of a friend.
You do this thing where your work comes
before anyone else's ideas.
Or wanting to go to the amusement park.
You know, Pieter, I
am the most respected,
most expensive artist in Berlin,
and you are an outcast.
[TENSE MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Okay, first you bully Bumper.
Now you bully Pieter?
I knew this was a bad idea.
Come on, Bumper. This isn't you.
Guys, I mean, come on.
This is Klaus.
This is the only way I
could become someone else
and prove Gisela wrong.
You said so yourself.
Without this video,
I'll never be the person
I need to be to be a star.
I mean, Ed Sheeran, you guys.
[TENSE MUSIC]
He chose me.
♪
Send them home.
Say goodbye to your friends.
♪
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Also, I actually drank
a lot of water today.
- Do you mind if I use
- No.
I told you not to drink so much.
- I'll just pinch it shut.
- Yep.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
I am just so excited that
this is all working out.
Thank you.
Oh, Heidi, I'm so happy
that you are leaving Bumper
to become my songwriter.
I already feel like we are two
best friends at summer camp,
exploring each other's bodies, you know?
Yeah, it, uh it was a tough decision.
But in the end, like your song says,
break every rule if the rule is wrong.
So here I am being wild.
Whoo!
I'm sorry, was that too loud?
Oh, no, I like it loud.
Okay, good.
With our two talents combined,
that newcomer slot will be mine,
and you will be offered
your paid sex leaves
that I promised you.
Ooh. I wonder who the lucky guy is.
Or girl. Who knows?
Well, I have jotted
down a list of 30 themes
we could explore that really push
the girl power message in your music.
"Sing When You Want To" could
be the tip of the ice-herg.
And yes, I said "herg,"
as in "herstory."
- [CHORTLES]
- Okay.
Just a little wordplay for you.
Yeah, wow.
I, uh that is really impressive.
And I appreciate your work ethic
and your penmanship,
but I'm not really looking
for, like, song ideas right now.
Uh, what do you mean?
Isn't that why you hired me?
Well, I actually think
you might be most valuable
on a more, like, micro level.
Like, perhaps providing
insider information
that could help me, um
[CLEARS THROAT] take Bumper down.
Oh.
Well, if you have great songs,
then you will take him down.
Yes, but I don't just
want to beat him, Heidi.
I want to destroy him.
This is personal.
He humiliated me live
on my own social media.
- Yeah.
- And then Pieter rejected me.
Rejected me!
Even after I German kissed him.
It's like a French kiss,
but your mouth tastes like sauerkraut.
It's actually really good.
But I just want to stick it to him!
Since he wouldn't stick it to me.
[TENSE MUSIC]
[CLEARS THROAT] Yeah, well, I
I don't know if this
is what I signed up for.
Oh, sure it is, Heidi. Come on.
You're tired of the way
they are treating you.
Otherwise, why would you
even be here meeting with me?
You gotta learn how to assert yourself.
If you don't, then [SCOFFS]
Who will?
I'm super pumped that
my friends are gone.
Do you think they're
eating sandwiches right now?
I love sandwiches.
Time to kill your doppelganger.
Uh, yeah, okay, right now? Okay, yeah.
It's time to kill my doppelganger.
You know, maybe after we do that,
you text Pieter and Thea
and apologize, and say you're sorry,
and make up or whatever.
I don't apologize, and I don't text.
I send my messages with an evil pigeon.
Okay.
Let us begin.
[BELL RINGS]
You can go all out with me.
I stretched beforehand.
Action!
They don't know my name ♪
♪
Witness your old self.
♪
They don't know my name ♪
♪
They don't know my name ♪
Now, kill him.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Kill that loser.
[ECHOING] Loser, loser.
- Oh!
- Thanks, Bumper.
♪
To Bumper!
Kill that bastard!
Kill that loser Bumper!
Ah!
Ah!
Durr, I'm Bumper Allen,
and I couldn't have done
it without my team, ugh.
♪
Kill him!
[GASPS]
Ah!
Yeah, I'm not gonna do this.
I can't shoot this video.
Bumper's out.
How dare you walk away from me?
Good luck getting on to
Unity Day without my help.
[SCREAMING IN GERMAN]
Pieter!
Thea!
How am I ever going
to find these guys
Hey, there they are.
Oh, my God, whew!
And you guys are eating sandwiches.
I knew it.
Well, if you're going
to drown your sorrows
in delicious meat on the street,
Berlin is the place to do it.
Bumper, what are you doing here?
- I thought you made your choice.
- Yeah, the wrong choice.
I fired your father.
You guys are right.
I never should have
turned my back on who I am.
The who I am is who got me
to Germany to meet you guys.
I was so focused on being cool,
I just I got lost in the sauce.
I'm sorry.
Well, we are sorry we introduced you
to him and his sauce.
I think deep down, I
just wanted an excuse
to talk to him.
Part of me keeps hoping he'll change
every time I see him, but he won't.
Too much sauce.
He's a dick.
Oh, my God. I can finally say it.
- My daddy's a dick!
- Yes!
- And I greatly dislike Marfa!
- It sucks!
- I've been there.
- Wow.
Bumper, I'm impressed.
Pieter never said anything mean
about Papa before he met you.
I bring out the worst in people.
Well, it wasn't just Bumper.
You had my back today.
At least I have one
family member that does.
Always.
Okay, not always, but from now on.
- That's fine.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- Aw, that's cute.
- But shut up real quick.
- Okay, shh!
- Just please be quiet.
- Oh, so
- You're still talking, though.
- I should
- Quiet, just be quiet.
- This a quiet time?
Okay, could we just do the same thing?
Make up, be all cute and
stuff, but with Heidi?
Where do Americans like to
go besides the Oregon Trail?
Chuck E. Cheese?
I think I have an idea
of where she might be.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Heidi?
- Oh, uh
- Cute place.
How do you know about it?
I actually told her about it
because I play bar trivia here.
- Huh.
- You do?
Mm-hmm.
The other day you sucked
when we all watched Jeopardy.
Okay, well, since when
is Prince Albert a person?
Anyway, Heidi,
I wanted to tell you
that I finally stood up
for myself, and I fired Klaus.
And I should have stood up for you too.
I love our partnership,
and I shouldn't have let
him get in the way of us
and change our song.
While we're admitting things,
I have one for all of you.
Wait, are you the one who's
breaking into my drawer
and taking little bites out of my socks?
- What no.
- Okay.
Well, they're still out there.
Bumper, it's never mind.
- Gisela tried to recruit me.
- What?
- She's diabolical.
- Yeah.
She told me that she wanted
me to be her songwriter.
What did you say?
To be honest, I considered it.
You know, I felt like I've been
treated like an afterthought,
and you guys didn't see me as a peer.
Oh, Heidi, I do see you as a peer.
If I was on trial for murder,
you could be in the jury.
- You'd make a great juror.
- Aw.
That's sweet of you guys to say.
But, no, I realized something
after saying no to her.
I'm not working for Gisela
because I care about you guys.
And she goes after what she
wants for better or worse,
and I have been an assistant
for a very long time
and that is not your fault, Pieter.
A lot of my insecurities
came from my own fear.
But if I don't take a
risk, I don't grow, so
[CLEARS THROAT] I can't
work for you anymore.
But do you want to work for me
and be my manager as a songwriter?
[SOFT MUSIC]
This is an obvious no-brainer.
[EXHALES] Awesome.
- Yeah, shake on it, cool.
- Wait, so is that a yes?
- That was a yes.
- Okay.
- Ah, group hug!
- We shook on it.
Let's hug right now. Oh,
this is our group hug.
Oh, my God, I love being
dorks who group hug.
I wish we had a video, though.
Klaus was supposed to help us
take attention away from Gisela.
Uh,
I just came up with another plan.
- Again?
- I know!
How does it keep happening?
It actually hurts a little bit.
It's all in my head ♪
It's all in my heart ♪
The light always finds a way
to shine through the dark ♪
It's way too late now ♪
But turning around ♪
I'm right at the edge ♪
But I'ma figure it out ♪
♪
They don't know my name ♪
♪
Today I'm gonna make
it out this room ♪
I don't have nothing to lose ♪
I'll be patient 'cause
I know it's on the way ♪
But they don't know my name ♪
♪
They don't know my name ♪
I think we did a really great job,
even without Klaus.
I am so glad you didn't
go work for Gisela.
I would have really missed you.
I would have missed you guys too.
But now that I'm a songwriter,
and Pieter's over Gisela,
as long as we don't make
it complicated again,
it should all be smooth sailing.
Agreed.
See you Thursday for
"Birth at the Circus?"
Uh, duh.
Last week was such a cliffhanger.
- I got to know if
- BOTH: The lion ate the placenta.
- I know.
- Great.
Oh, my God. 'Cause he's going for it.
- But it's a lion.
- Cliffhanger.
- See you Thursday.
- See you.
[SIGHS]
God, she is so great.
She's so great.
Oh, she's so great.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Oh, no.
I'm in love with Heidi.
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
♪
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
♪
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
♪
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
♪
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
♪
We're in love with Heidi ♪
He's in love with Heidi ♪
She's in love with Heidi ♪
I'm in love with Heidi ♪
She's in love with Heidi ♪
I'm in love with Heidi ♪