Play It Again, Dick (2014) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 [ .]
[INAUDIBLE.]
- [GUNSHOT.]
- ANNOUNCER: Previously on Have you heard of micro-budget pilots? Yeah, we're dipping our toes in that world.
Dick as a private eye? That's kind of a tough sell.
- Eh, I guess it could work.
- Love to do the show.
Ow! Getting the band back together, baby.
You do realize that I'm currently not allowed in the States? I'm here in Toronto, ready to work.
Don't even think about putting me on the call sheet if you're gonna have Wallace Fennel doing any of that pussy shit.
She's your problem now.
Do you know what Rob never had any respect for? Hm? The craft.
Right? - Mm-hm - Never any any time to rehearse.
Never any willingness to talk about motivation.
This isn't a factory.
I'm not making widgets.
This is art.
Totally.
Dick Casablancas, case in point.
Did Rob ever once talk to you about Dick's inner demons? - No.
- Philandering dad? - Mass-murdering brother? - Sure.
I could always see you trying to bring that pain through in your performance, but then I'd see the cut of the show, and what did Rob do? He turned Dick into a cartoon character.
A knuckle-dragging meatball.
You know, if they would have made me climb in a dumpster and track down a plastic Easter egg that had been shoved up some frat boy's colon, I would have walked off the set.
- Called my agent.
- Technically, Veronica and Dick hired a bum to do it, but And that's better? I wanna say yes? Do you know why I'm covered in these tattoos, Ryan? Mucho cerveza y mucho mescal? - Verisimilitude.
- That was my next guess.
Have you ever studied my IMDb page? Yeah.
Yes.
All the time.
Then you know all 30 characters I've played on screen have been criminals to one degree or another.
- Mm-hm.
- I could fight it, or I could embrace it.
- I chose to embrace it.
- So cool.
Goodbye, Francis Capra, Country Day alum.
Goodbye, Francis Capra, Adler Academy Richard Dreyfuss Breakout Player award winner.
I won that, Ryan, for Henry the Fifth.
The title role.
[GASPS.]
We in it shall be remember'd, we few, we happy few, we band of brothers.
Wow.
Do you know what my last line in Mars was, Ryan? My last line delivered on camera? I don't know.
Need some help with your car, ma'am? What was your last line in Mars, Ryan? Something about Veronica's titties.
Yeah.
I'll do your show, Ryan, but give me something real.
Something I can sink my teeth into.
- And Thursday's my only day off.
- What? [SIGHS.]
- Balls.
- Ryan, baby.
Are you really making a movie? Can I be in it? Uh [ .]
Hey.
Uh, what what is? Oh, what is the? Yeah.
Okay, so this is, um, we're filming a documentary.
Uh, spring roll, banh mi, bo luc lac? Uh, sure.
Okay.
How much is that? Uh, $28.
22.
- What's that? - $28.
22.
- No, I don't - 28 dollars and 22 cents.
Got it.
[LAUGHS.]
- [MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE.]
- So Colantoni is in Toronto, right? - And Lowell says he won't do it.
- Nope.
Kristen, Percy, Francis, they'll all give you a day, - but those days don't overlap, right? - Yes.
Okay.
I'm sorry to say this to you, but this whole thing sounds, uh, - fuck-tarded.
- Well, you know, you don't sound sorry.
- It's more of an idiom.
- Right.
- Well - You know what an idiom is? Yeah, like you would call somebody "You stupid idiom.
" Okay, so, I mean, Jason thinks this is like a buddy cop thing, right? Right.
I promised Percy that I'd make Wallace more of a badass, and Francis wants to flex his acting muscles.
You know, while we're talking about it, I would love to be energetically fellated by the Laker Girls.
Oh.
Oh, no, Vinnie Van Lowe's not in it.
- Oh.
- Well, you know what? You do me this favor, and I will energetically fellate you.
- Not interested.
- Digital probe on the house.
Oh, wow.
Still not interested.
But if I can film it, right, and put it up on the internet, - now I'm hooked.
Now you got me.
- All right.
What is all the noise? What's going on? Sorry about that, it's just the rehearsal.
- Well, apology accepted.
- For the big dance number.
- Oh, the big the big dance? - Yeah.
Gaston? Could you keep it down, please? I'm having a meeting! Yeah, knock it off, Gaston! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Were we being too loud for you? Those of us in there sweating, working on your behalf.
Yeah, while you're out here getting fat with your fancy actor friends, we're in there doing our best to pull your ass out of the fire, all right? Because this? This is what I do for a living, Ryan Bartholomew Hansen.
- Bartholomew? - For serious, it's what I do.
But if all our turd-polishing is spoiling your meal, let me be the first to say we are so sorry.
I'm gonna guess that's an idiom, too? Ha, ha! - You stupid idiom.
- Seriously, put down the rice, or I'll puke, right here.
You? Kind of amazing in Whitney.
Don't patronize me.
But seriously, back in the room in 10 minutes or less, or we walk.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Okay.
Anyway, back to the favor.
Uh, so I'll tell you the basic ideas I have for the Private Dick show, and, you know, you have Final Draft, right? - I do, yes.
- Yes! I was hoping you did.
That's awesome.
Okay, so I'll tell you the basic ingredients.
- Okay.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- Motorcycle.
Dead bodies.
Macho voice-overs.
Catchphrases.
Barely-dressed hot chicks.
Me nailing hot chicks.
Signature cocktail, bad assery, my shirt coming on and off, exploring some tropes, and you can plug that into your program and, boom, - set for hit show.
- Ha, ha.
You forgot about the big dance number.
- Can't forget that.
- You know that the program doesn't write the script for you, right? Right, no, yeah.
Of course.
Yeah.
But, I mean, it gets you, like, halfway there.
It sets the margins.
Okay.
Yeah.
Well, there you go.
Come on.
Children's Hospital.
Burning Love.
You are the man with the golden touch.
[LAUGHS.]
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Um, but I actually saw you doing this by yourself.
You know, I've always seen you as more of an auteur.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, I've always And me, more of a guy who's not involved in it.
I was thinking we could team-auteur this bitch.
Right? Oh, you know what? Throw some martial arts in there.
Me fighting some Asian dude.
Wow, martial arts.
When do you shoot, on Monday? Yeah.
And where do you think you're going to find an Asian guy who's gonna let you beat him up? Um No.
[ .]
Sometimes you gotta think outside the bun.
Huh? Bartholomew isn't my middle name, by the way.
I don't know why he called me that.
[SNORTS.]
[ .]
[INAUDIBLE.]
- [GUNSHOT.]
- ANNOUNCER: Previously on Have you heard of micro-budget pilots? Yeah, we're dipping our toes in that world.
Dick as a private eye? That's kind of a tough sell.
- Eh, I guess it could work.
- Love to do the show.
Ow! Getting the band back together, baby.
You do realize that I'm currently not allowed in the States? I'm here in Toronto, ready to work.
Don't even think about putting me on the call sheet if you're gonna have Wallace Fennel doing any of that pussy shit.
She's your problem now.
Do you know what Rob never had any respect for? Hm? The craft.
Right? - Mm-hm - Never any any time to rehearse.
Never any willingness to talk about motivation.
This isn't a factory.
I'm not making widgets.
This is art.
Totally.
Dick Casablancas, case in point.
Did Rob ever once talk to you about Dick's inner demons? - No.
- Philandering dad? - Mass-murdering brother? - Sure.
I could always see you trying to bring that pain through in your performance, but then I'd see the cut of the show, and what did Rob do? He turned Dick into a cartoon character.
A knuckle-dragging meatball.
You know, if they would have made me climb in a dumpster and track down a plastic Easter egg that had been shoved up some frat boy's colon, I would have walked off the set.
- Called my agent.
- Technically, Veronica and Dick hired a bum to do it, but And that's better? I wanna say yes? Do you know why I'm covered in these tattoos, Ryan? Mucho cerveza y mucho mescal? - Verisimilitude.
- That was my next guess.
Have you ever studied my IMDb page? Yeah.
Yes.
All the time.
Then you know all 30 characters I've played on screen have been criminals to one degree or another.
- Mm-hm.
- I could fight it, or I could embrace it.
- I chose to embrace it.
- So cool.
Goodbye, Francis Capra, Country Day alum.
Goodbye, Francis Capra, Adler Academy Richard Dreyfuss Breakout Player award winner.
I won that, Ryan, for Henry the Fifth.
The title role.
[GASPS.]
We in it shall be remember'd, we few, we happy few, we band of brothers.
Wow.
Do you know what my last line in Mars was, Ryan? My last line delivered on camera? I don't know.
Need some help with your car, ma'am? What was your last line in Mars, Ryan? Something about Veronica's titties.
Yeah.
I'll do your show, Ryan, but give me something real.
Something I can sink my teeth into.
- And Thursday's my only day off.
- What? [SIGHS.]
- Balls.
- Ryan, baby.
Are you really making a movie? Can I be in it? Uh [ .]
Hey.
Uh, what what is? Oh, what is the? Yeah.
Okay, so this is, um, we're filming a documentary.
Uh, spring roll, banh mi, bo luc lac? Uh, sure.
Okay.
How much is that? Uh, $28.
22.
- What's that? - $28.
22.
- No, I don't - 28 dollars and 22 cents.
Got it.
[LAUGHS.]
- [MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE.]
- So Colantoni is in Toronto, right? - And Lowell says he won't do it.
- Nope.
Kristen, Percy, Francis, they'll all give you a day, - but those days don't overlap, right? - Yes.
Okay.
I'm sorry to say this to you, but this whole thing sounds, uh, - fuck-tarded.
- Well, you know, you don't sound sorry.
- It's more of an idiom.
- Right.
- Well - You know what an idiom is? Yeah, like you would call somebody "You stupid idiom.
" Okay, so, I mean, Jason thinks this is like a buddy cop thing, right? Right.
I promised Percy that I'd make Wallace more of a badass, and Francis wants to flex his acting muscles.
You know, while we're talking about it, I would love to be energetically fellated by the Laker Girls.
Oh.
Oh, no, Vinnie Van Lowe's not in it.
- Oh.
- Well, you know what? You do me this favor, and I will energetically fellate you.
- Not interested.
- Digital probe on the house.
Oh, wow.
Still not interested.
But if I can film it, right, and put it up on the internet, - now I'm hooked.
Now you got me.
- All right.
What is all the noise? What's going on? Sorry about that, it's just the rehearsal.
- Well, apology accepted.
- For the big dance number.
- Oh, the big the big dance? - Yeah.
Gaston? Could you keep it down, please? I'm having a meeting! Yeah, knock it off, Gaston! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Were we being too loud for you? Those of us in there sweating, working on your behalf.
Yeah, while you're out here getting fat with your fancy actor friends, we're in there doing our best to pull your ass out of the fire, all right? Because this? This is what I do for a living, Ryan Bartholomew Hansen.
- Bartholomew? - For serious, it's what I do.
But if all our turd-polishing is spoiling your meal, let me be the first to say we are so sorry.
I'm gonna guess that's an idiom, too? Ha, ha! - You stupid idiom.
- Seriously, put down the rice, or I'll puke, right here.
You? Kind of amazing in Whitney.
Don't patronize me.
But seriously, back in the room in 10 minutes or less, or we walk.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Okay.
Anyway, back to the favor.
Uh, so I'll tell you the basic ideas I have for the Private Dick show, and, you know, you have Final Draft, right? - I do, yes.
- Yes! I was hoping you did.
That's awesome.
Okay, so I'll tell you the basic ingredients.
- Okay.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- Motorcycle.
Dead bodies.
Macho voice-overs.
Catchphrases.
Barely-dressed hot chicks.
Me nailing hot chicks.
Signature cocktail, bad assery, my shirt coming on and off, exploring some tropes, and you can plug that into your program and, boom, - set for hit show.
- Ha, ha.
You forgot about the big dance number.
- Can't forget that.
- You know that the program doesn't write the script for you, right? Right, no, yeah.
Of course.
Yeah.
But, I mean, it gets you, like, halfway there.
It sets the margins.
Okay.
Yeah.
Well, there you go.
Come on.
Children's Hospital.
Burning Love.
You are the man with the golden touch.
[LAUGHS.]
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Um, but I actually saw you doing this by yourself.
You know, I've always seen you as more of an auteur.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, I've always And me, more of a guy who's not involved in it.
I was thinking we could team-auteur this bitch.
Right? Oh, you know what? Throw some martial arts in there.
Me fighting some Asian dude.
Wow, martial arts.
When do you shoot, on Monday? Yeah.
And where do you think you're going to find an Asian guy who's gonna let you beat him up? Um No.
[ .]
Sometimes you gotta think outside the bun.
Huh? Bartholomew isn't my middle name, by the way.
I don't know why he called me that.
[SNORTS.]
[ .]