Players (2010) s01e04 Episode Script

- This coach is terrible.
Why would you hug him? He missed the shot! - I feel like their handler should count as a sixth man.
- Calvin, comment cards.
What are you watching? - Special Olympics.
Thanks! Thanks a lot, buddy! - 5-pointer.
That's neat.
- I don't know why there's a 5-pointer.
- Anything over 15 feet.
- Please tell me You're not gambling on the special Olympics.
- No.
It's gas money.
- Good.
Because you have a problem.
- It's not a problem, Ken.
You win some, you lose some.
Not a problem.
- You are $100,000 in debt a crime syndicate That put a hit out on you.
- That's old news.
Hickey fixed it.
- In return for which, You owe him a lifelong debt which I'm helping you pay off By giving him a job where he does nothing.
- Anyway, Ken, I'm enjoying a sport that's beautiful.
- That kid does not want to be hugged.
- Yeah, there's a lot of hugs.
- oh! - Sometimes they get hurt.
He'll come back, though.
- we ain't never gonna change we ain't doing nothin' wrong we ain't never gonna change so shut your mouth and play along - So once again, even if a patron orders a drink In his last moment of lucidity, Do not serve him if he's passed out.
- Sorry.
- Got it.
- Won't happen again.
- Now On to the most important issue of this meeting.
- Did you draw that? It's good! - Yeah! - That's thank you.
- That one guy doesn't have a nose.
- It was a choice.
Anyway - This one doesn't have a mouth, this one doesn't have a nose, And I don't know what you're trying to say - We're not here to critique my - The bowtie is kind of cheating out, which seems - Like he's wearing it.
- Yeah, on the side of his neck.
- Like a scarf.
- Sideways.
- Are you done? Does anybody know what this means? - UhDon't inhale garbage inside a red circle? - No.
- The artist is saying something abstractly about Class relations.
- No, it's not like that - 'cause he's got a bowtie.
- Then the other guy - who's rich - Think of it like a don't smoke thing.
It's one of those.
- Don't feed a magician If you're a mechanic? - He's a magician.
- No, he's not.
Okay, I'll give you this.
- Or a valet a valet Parker.
- Don't don't - stop it! I'm gonna help you.
This is happening in this establishment.
- If you get a soft perm, people will throw trash at you? - No! No, it means no garbage mouthing.
I have a strong suspicion that someone in this establishment Is garbage mouthing, By which I mean eating food that has been left behind By patron.
The second that food is left behind, That is garbage, and you are not to eat it.
- Well, let's not make a hard-and-fast rule here.
Let's just say don't eat stupid things Li soup Or obviously things that have germs.
But if somebody cut a sandwich in half and didn't take a bite, I think it'd be okay if you had to.
- And if the sandwich still has a toothpick in it, I mean, it hasn't been eaten.
- Yeah, I'd eat that.
- I'd eat, like, a chicken finger.
Like, the breading is sterile.
- You're all missing the goddamn point! - Hey! Watch your language, hothead! - I don't care about your safety While you're garbage mouthing.
I care about the fact that it is a health code violation, And I don't want it happening ever again in this restaurant.
Understood? All right.
That's the end of the meeting.
- Wait.
Meeting is not adjourned.
A buddy of mine, frenchie, is coming by.
He has a lazy eye, this eye.
It'll be looking that way.
Try to look into this eye.
Okay? Meeting adjourned.
- Great.
- Technically, the meeting was already over.
This was just An unauthorized addendum.
- Well, what about a players floating key chain? - I don't know.
- If you own a boat, You drop your keys in the Lake, it's perfect.
- Hey, can I take off early? - Yeah, yeah.
That'd be great.
- No, no, no, no, look, we're just getting into rush.
I need you.
- Come on.
I wanna go home with that guy tonight.
His wife gets out of the hospital tomorrow.
- He's married? - Yeah.
- No! The institution of marriage is sacred.
- Then why are you divorced? - You know what? Get back to work.
- You gotta lighten up on the employees, Ken.
- Come on, that was horrible.
She was gonna go home with someone Whose wife's in the hospital.
- So, maybe his wife has a severe case of syphilis, And he can't fool around with her.
- I don't think that's the case.
- Or she got her stuff fixed, And he doesn't want to be near her.
- What do you mean by stuff? - Everything.
- Downtown, uptown.
- How do you get downtown fixed? - Rejuvenation or Sometimes they color it.
- Like colors like red and blue and stuff? - Hey, man She didn't go home with him.
- Yeah, Krista's staying.
She had to work.
Late.
I'll talk to you later.
- I was talking about our bet that we made About her going home with a guy.
- Relax.
It was a one-time thing, Ken.
It won't happen again.
I promise.
- It's never a one-time thing when you've got an addiction.
- I would have won if you would have let Krista go home.
- Well, thank God.
At least maybe you'll learn a lesson.
It doesn't work out, does it? - It won't happen again, Ken.
- All right.
- Thank you for looking out for me.
I appreciate it.
- Get it under control.
- It is under control.
I appreciate it.
Here.
You take care of this.
I gotta focus on cleaning my life up.
- Hey, no, I got this, Krista.
- Why? - I got it.
I'm just Heading over there.
Yeah.
- Calvin? Come here, please.
Why did you put that food behind the bar? - It's for a customer to come by and finish tomorrow.
- Really.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay.
- Oh, God.
You stink like hell.
What are you wearing? - This is the suit I wear when I weigh the garbage.
- You're weighing our trash? - Yeah.
- Why? - I been doing it ever since we opened.
We pay by the pound for the carting.
I wanna make sure they're not ripping us off.
- You've been weighing our trash for three years? - You're welcome.
- Every week? Ken, you're basically a homeless man.
Don't be digging through the trash.
- Would a homeless man Think to protect himself with raingear and boots? - I think I'm gonna get you a shopping cart for Christmas This year.
- For your information, My weighing the garbage is how I know That there's been garbage mouthing going on.
The average weight of our garbage Has gone down 30 pounds a month.
How do you explain that? - It could only be someone shoving food in their mouth.
It's the only answer.
- That disgusting used old food Is going down one of our employee's gullets.
I won't have it.
And I'm 99.
9% sure the garbage mouther Is oneBarb Toland.
- We have to get to the bottom of this right now! - All right, let's do it.
- Barb! - Hey.
- Are you garbage mouthing? - No.
- Thanks.
Thank God that's over.
- That's your idea of getting to the bottom of it.
- Yeah.
Now I can sleep.
- Don't - you jealous? - Don't don't - mm! Mm - Idiot! - Go on, how much does that weigh just ballpark it.
You can be like a carnival guy.
- You're an idiot.
- What are you doing? - SS-SS-eh I've set a trap for the garbage mouther.
It's irresistible.
So much pristine food.
- Why are you doing this? - Because Garbage mouthing is wrong and a health hazard, And I will not receive a violation.
- This is stupid, I'm get - the hell you are! Get back here! Look, look, look.
The prey.
There she is.
So hungry for the garbage.
Go ahead.
Like a rat for cheese, you have no idea it's a trap.
Feast.
Feast, you hard creature.
- Eew.
Are you getting turned on? - No! I'm excited like a hunter, but not turned on.
she wants it so bad.
Eat the food.
Eat the food! Oh! - I told you, she is not a garbage mouther.
- She is a garbage mouther.
And I will catch her.
You know why? Because I have patience, Which if you learned, you might not be a waitress.
Yes! - You were right, man.
- Sorry, buddy.
Told you I know my birds.
- What was going on over there? - Swans are the only birds that have penises.
- What are you talking about? - I made a bet with Bruce That swans were the only birds that had penises.
Turns out he - okay.
You just made a bet with Calvin.
- We had a small bar bet.
- What's a bar bet? - A bar bet is a friendly wager you make with your friends To kill time no big deal.
I don't bet on professional sports Just bar bets and the occasional globetrotter game.
- How can you bet on the globetrotters? The generals always lose.
- You can bet on the over, Ken.
You can bet on how many points the showman's gonna score.
You can bet on how many people get covered in confetti.
- Here you go, boss.
You win.
She's a lesbo.
And she's married.
- You owe me.
Her tits were fake.
I felt 'em.
- Who knew? Water does freeze faster than urine.
- You called it, Bruce.
Cried myself to sleep again last night.
- You're betting on Louie's depression? You're sick, Bruce.
- He's bipolar, Ken.
He's not depressed.
It's not a problem, okay? - Barb, can I talk to you? I don't know what to do.
I'm gonna tell you something, And I don't mean to betray a trust, but Bruce is gambling.
You know he has a problem with this, right? Yeah, well, he's at it again.
Look, I was thinking What do you think of an intervention? Think that's a good idea? Yeah, I do too.
I need your help, though.
Would you be willing To get Bruce to come in earlier than usual tomorrow? Yes? All right.
I'll give you specifics later.
Thanks a lot, Barb.
I really appreciate it.
- What, Jorge? - Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? - You can.
Next time, please knock.
- It's a common space.
I wouldn't knock to get cherries.
- That's not a common space.
That's my office, but go ahead.
- Look, hear from Barb that you're doing Some sort of intervention tomorrow for Bruce? - That's right.
I'd like you to be there.
- Yeah, I'm not coming.
- Well, I think that everybody Who cares about Bruce should be there.
- Yeah, well, I care about Bruce, but I hate interventions.
They're not fun.
Every single time I've been to one, Everybody always gets, like, all sad and depressed, And someone always ends up stabbed or raped.
- What the hell kind of interventions have you been to? - Just a regular intervention, you know, Where, like, everybody puts their keys in a bowl, And then you take a key, And then you have to go with that guy - That's a key party, and no one's supposed to get Stabbed or raped at those either.
- No.
I've been to a key party.
Key parts when a guy takes his key And he locks you in the trunk of his car.
- No.
That's an abduction.
- No, it's not.
Okay, it doesn't matter.
He doesn't need an intervention.
He's not really gambling.
- Of course he is! - He fixes the results.
- What? - Yeah.
Like last week, he told me To tell everyone that there were no more onion hoops So that everyone would order nachos.
-Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- Can you eighty-six chicken fingers in, like, 45 minutes? - Yeah.
- Thanks, buddy.
I'll cover it.
- So we're, uh, eighty-sixing the chicken fingers, then.
- Yeah.
- So we ran out or - I'm just eighty-sixing 'em for 45 minutes, Give Jorge a break.
He's getting, uh, carpal tunnel.
- Yeah.
- When's Bruce getting here? - He's on his way.
Ken, I feel horrible about tricking him into coming.
- No, no, this is a good thing.
- No, I lied to him.
I told him we were gonna role play and have sex on the bar.
- Why would you do that? - Well, it turns him on.
- Not why would you role play.
Why would you use that excuse? - It was the only thing I could think of.
- There are literally a hundred other things You could have said.
- I'm here.
- I thought you weren't coming.
- I'm not gonna miss a party.
- It's not a party.
- Who wants to do shots? - I do! - Don't don't do shots.
It's an intervention.
- It's not an intervention for an alcoholic, is it? - It's a big waste of time, if you ask me.
- Please keep that opinion to yourself During the intervention.
- Just my opinion.
- Are you allowed to eat during an intervention? 'cause I was working on my letter all night, And I forgot to get breakfast.
- Why not? We've got shots and balloons.
Okay, look, let's go over the order That we're gonna read our letters.
I think we should do it In the order of who knows him the best.
So I'll go last.
- Well, that would be me, Because I know him, obviously, the best.
- Uh, actually, Bruce and I are kind of like soul mates, so - Uh, Bruce and I did peyote together in Mexico last year, So it was kind of like a bonding experience - Uh, Bruce lets me use his razor.
- Okay, you know what? Forget that criteria.
I will go last because I have written a poignant letter That none of you will be able to follow.
I have been out on the River gambling, And I have come to spend the night with Josephine, The queen of new Orleans! What are you guys doing here? - We're having an intervention for you.
Why are you dressed like that? - Riverboat gambling's our go-to.
Bruce - No.
Say good-bye to big daddy, Barb.
Forever.
- Don't say that.
- Okay, look, let this go.
Not important.
Have a seat, right here.
Everybody, have a seat.
- How dare you? - Not there.
That's my seat.
Bruce, we are here today Because all of us care about you.
We're gonna read letters, Tell you how your gambling is affecting us At the end of which, we're gonna ask you, "will you seek help Today?" - Yeah.
Lying to people doesn't help them.
- Hickey.
- All right, I go first.
Bruce, uh, "you may have a gambling problem.
"I don't know.
Maybe I do too.
"who knows? "Ken sure seems to think so.
"obviously, gambling is a lot of fun "and isn't a problem for most people, "or Vegas wouldn't exist.
"but if you feel you're spending more time than you should "on these tiny bar bets you're making, "most of which you are winning, by the way, "uh, then maybe Ken is right.
"what I'm trying to say here is, uh Will you get help today?" - No.
- Okay.
- What a surprise.
- What? - Calvin.
- "BruceGet your together.
Will you get help today?" - No.
- Okay.
- Spent all night writing that.
- And most of this morning.
Please.
Bruce, I have written you a letter, But I don't think I'm gonna read it today, Because I don't think that it's fair to ask someone Who's been struggling with an addiction to change overnight.
We all, I think, struggle with addiction In some way and have Appetites and a taste for things That aren't necessarily good for us.
So BruceFeel free to say no.
But will you get help today? - No.
-That's fine.
- Feel free to say no.
Really.
Krista, please.
I'm counting on you.
- All right.
So I was thinking about your addiction, AndI guess what I wanna say is - I'm looking for a Bruce Fitzgerald.
- That's me.
- Two months ago, Did you run an NCAA pool out of this bar, sir? - Oh, come on.
Yeah.
- That's a federal offense.
- Oops.
I gotta go.
- You're under arrest For bein' a bad boy! Whoo! - happy intervention! - Whah! You dirty, dirty felon.
You know what I do to jailbirds like you, huh? Huh? - Yeah! - Dirty and nasty! Oh, you've got a gambling problem? - Stop enjoying it.
You're having fun.
- Ooh! Ooh! - Whoo! - Enough! - Get the [bleep.]
outta here! - Will you get help today? - Yeah, I will.
That's the most thoughtful thing anyone's ever done for me.
Of course I have a problem.
Why would she hire a stripper? Thank you, guys.
I'm sorry, Barb.
- Well, no, wait, hold on.
Wait, no, no, no! We're not done yet.
You still have to read my letter.
- No, I'm gonna get help.
- There's a gamblers anonymous meeting Right at sacred cross right now.
We could be back here before the lunch crowds.
- Okay.
- No, no, this needs "dear Bruce, I have known you for over 40 years.
"I think back to the carefree days of our youth, "and it is hard for me to reconcile these memories With the troubled man I see before me today!" - You okay? Well, if it's not, you just let me know.
I'm the manager, Ken.
- Well, it's good for me to see this, 'cause there are triggers all over the place here.
You're gonna have to be strong.
- Yeah, it's kinda hard - How'd the meeting go? - It actually went very well.
This is my new sponsor.
Rick p.
, this is my brother Ken.
- Hi.
It's good to meet you.
- It's really great to meet you.
- Your brother talked a lot about you when he shared today.
Staging that intervention was gutsy and not a minute too soon.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you, Ken.
- I think I can really help your brother here.
- All right.
You listen to this guy.
- Take it easy.
- Speaking of the intervention, I have the letter if you'd like to read it.
- Your intervention letter? - Yeah.
You didn't get the chance to hear it.
I thought you might want to read it.
- No.
I'm getting help.
Thank you.
- Okay.
How 'bout you? You wanna take a read? - No.
Thank you, though.
- Sorry about that.
- Hey, you know, actually, nobody has to read Because I made a Cd of the letter.
- Oh.
That's all right.
- It's it's a nice reading.
- This is the library.
- Mm-hmm.
- You sure? Love for you to listen to it.
- This is the office.
- Uh-huh.
- Aha! - Aah! - Shame.
Shame! - I'm sorry.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Just one second.
One second - no.
No.
You need to give it up at this moment.
Say no.
- I don't know if I can.
- I'll break your wrist if you don't let go I mean it.
I'm saying that 'cause I care about you.
- Okay.
- I'll break it.
I will break your don't! Don't! It is revolting.
Right now you disgust me.
Stop it.
Your behavior doesn't just affect you.
It affects other people.
- I know.
- Just remember You're not a feral animal.
You're not ruled by instinct.
You're a human.
You have higher reasoning.
You can decide not to be awful.
- I'm not an animal.
I'm not an animal.
- Yes, Barb.
I'm notAn animal.
- Yes, Barb.
- I'm not an animal! - Yes, Barb, yes! - Oh, thank you, Ken.
- We are gonna avoid a health code violation.
- All right, slick Rick needs a 6.
Come on, slick Rick.
- Come on, 6, I need this.
- Hit the 6! - Come on, 6, come on! Oh, come on! - OhCraps.
That's a house win.
- What the hell? - That's a craps, Rick.
- You know, I really think You should listen - I saw 6 in my mind! - What the hell is going on here? - Nothing, Ken.
Just relax! - You know what, my roll went bad as soon as you walked in.
- You are supposed to be his sponsor! - You're a cooler, Ken.
You're a cooler.
- Bruce said this is just bar bet stuff.
This is nothing.
- It's gambling! - This is nothing no! - It just started as a bar bet.
- Craps is gambling.
- I haven't gambled in 10 years.
I wouldn't beGamb Yeah, this is gambling.
'course it's gambling.
- Sorry.
- How'd I let you Talk me into this? - Sorry.
- This is bad news.
I also have not had a drink in 18 years.
- Oh, my God.
- So it's this is double bad.
- Look what you've done to him.
- Look, gimme that.
- No.
I'm not gonna give this to you.
As long as I'm sliding down the mountain, I might as well add cocaine and hookers.
That's happening right now.
- All right, okay, Rick.
- I still got the number in my head.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- I'm doing it! You started this! Now don't You're not gonna tell me not to.
- You need to go.
- I'm not goin' anywhere.
- No, no, no.
- Hey, hey, hey, cool it, Ken! I have no regrets! What the hell is this anyway? He turned my board into a craps table? It's been for a year.
You owe me 30 bucks.
You owe me 30 bucks! Cool it! I love you because you are Oh, God.
But you need to hear the hard truth, Bruce.
Like the fact that others are hurt by your actions.
Which I often The only person I can confide in My brother's out of his mind Your freedom of spirit has been admired by many, And I think that has been your downfall.
I encourage you The time has come to face reality.
This may be difficult to hear, But you need to be more like me.
Yes.
More like me.