Playing House (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

Can't keep a pregnant lady waiting.
You'd think if you know someone on the force, you wouldn't have to wait so long to get your car seat installed, right? - Well, text Mark again.
- I did text him, like, a hundred times.
He's not texting me back.
- Ugh.
- Hey, ladies.
I'm Steve.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
- Uh, I would've waited more.
- Worth worth the wait.
Ready for me to get up in there? - Yeah, we we need a man - Please, I need you to get up in there.
that could just do it.
Just do it and do it right.
Great, let's make a baby safe, huh? Okay.
Oh, my You girls may want to lean in real close.
Okay.
I'll show you how to strap it in.
- Oh, yes, we'd love to.
- Sorry, what was that? - He wants us to lean in.
- Okay, it's gotta be tight.
- Yeah, it does.
- Mm-hmm.
I would love to feel the tightness that you're talking about, Steve.
Well, don't be shy.
Get in here.
- Get your hands on it.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
Oh, oh, there we go.
Oh, I feel that.
Yeah.
- Give it a pull.
- Do you feel it? Yeah, Mags, you need to you need to experience Is that okay if I jump in here? - Just want to get my fingers on - Of course, give it a pull.
Oh, I see, the tighter that I pull - Yeah, the harder it gets.
- Yeah.
Is that how it works? That's great.
Emma, what's with the million texts? Oh, you know what? No, no, no, Mark.
We don't need you anymore.
Thank you.
- Why do you look so flushed? - Oh, no, Steve is doing it.
Steve is Well, guys, I'm here now, so let me just take a little look-see.
- No, it's okay, it's okay.
- Steve is doing it for us.
Well, Steve's a rookie, and he's only done it, like, three times.
- No offense, buddy.
- We'll tagteam it.
Okay, yeah.
You want to tag-team it? - You want to double-man it? - No, no, no, no.
No, no.
It's okay.
- Just one, just one.
- Just one.
- That's exhausting.
- Then I'll do it, okay? Like, I don't want to brag, but I've been kind of known for being able to do this faster than anyone else.
Well, faster is not necessarily better, just so you know.
Never better.
There it is.
And and I'm done.
It's good that I checked that, because it was still a little loose.
Well, who cares, man? Are you kidding me? Would you prefer that she wasn't safe? We would prefer for Steve to have done it alone! I think the words you're looking for are "thank you.
" - Thank you.
- Get out.
You're welcome.
What is with - Hey.
Nice work.
- Thank you, buddy, you too.
- Thank you, Steve.
- Yeah.
Just could have been a little tighter.
- Let me just see something.
- You really what's Oh, God, it came I don't know what happened, I Steve! I'll tell you what I can't stop thinking about, watching Steve manhandle that car seat.
Why was that so satisfying? Well, I'll tell you what it was for me.
I haven't had sex since this baby was conceived.
Ugh, it's been a long time for me too.
Oh, was that the guy you call Shanghai surprise? Yeah, I told you about him, right? Of course you did, but would you just give me those dirty deets one more time? Maggie, we are in your lawyer's office.
- He sends you a text.
- Okay.
It's just the number 2201, but you know what that means.
It's the penthouse suite at the Mandarin Oriental.
Frette linens, 400 thread count.
- Ohh.
- Orchid petals covering the bed.
Perfectly drawn bath.
And then the scent of sandalwood.
- Ooh.
- I feel his presence come up behind me.
- Yeah, you do.
- Mm-hmm.
And he just whispers in my ear.
He's like one of those '90s boy bands where they just talk about what they want to do to your body.
Girl, I wanna lick you up and down Till you say stop But you don't say stop.
You know why? Okay, why? 'Cause he looks like if Colin Firth and a very, very young Jason statham had a baby.
Oh, my ears are burning.
- Oh, hey, Gary.
Hi! - Hello.
- Hi.
- We were just chittin' and- and and chattin'.
- Well, you look great.
- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, oh.
- Come on.
Okay, we're hugging.
Hi.
- Um cool.
- Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This Uh, you remember I told you about Emma? - This is Emma! - Yeah, hi.
- It's great to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Yes.
Maggie thinks the world of you.
Oh, well, I think the world of her, which is why I'll be accompanying her to the proceedings.
Great.
One more person in our corner.
Yeah.
You know, I'm taking a look at all this stuff, and I'm totally confident that after the divorce mediation, - we will not need to go to court.
- Oh, good.
However, I have a bone to pick with you.
- What? - You're very bad for me.
- I've put on, like, 4 pounds - Oh.
since we started working together because those truffles you made are the best things - Oh.
- I have ever put in my mouth.
And my receptionist Doris has lost her mind over these things.
Wait, I'm sorry.
Doris was munching on 'em? - Yeah.
- 'Cause those were not for her.
- Oh.
- You need me to speak with her? I may need you to have a couple harsh words with her actually.
Like, I look for the box, and I'm like, what happened? No, Doris! Gary, um, I took the initiative of doing a little research into Connecticut divorce law, and what I would love to do is to start with the financials.
- Oh, no.
You know what? - Mm-hmm.
- We took care of all that.
- Oh, okay.
Well, I've done a little work in, uh, private equity, so Oh.
Okay.
Here in Connecticut? Uh, no, in China actually, for Lotus Capital.
It's, um, one of the largest companies in all of Asia.
Wow, yeah, I don't know anything about Chinese private equity at all.
But I have been practicing divorce law here in Connecticut for seven years now, so Oh.
What law school was it that you said you went to? Just a local school.
Yeah, I don't know if you would've heard of it.
- It's called Yale? - Oh, I see.
Okay.
Yeah, I have my diploma here.
I framed it and everything.
- I'm happy to show you the - I'll take your word for it.
Are you sure? 'Cause I can get it.
- Gary was a whiffenpoof.
- I'm sorry? Yes.
It's the oldest collegiate a cappella group in the United States.
Yes, but more importantly, I was a lord in the medieval madrigal society.
- Mm.
- Wow.
Kind of a big deal.
It's been a long time, but, uh - Hum, hum, hum - What's going on? - Is he having a stroke? - Hum, hum The boar's head, as I understand Is the rarest dish in all the land - Hum, hum - What's happening right now? The boar's head I present in hand And thus bedecked with a gay garland This is great.
Are you guys gonna do this tomorrow? Yeah, if we have to.
The boar's head, as I understand The boar's head, as I understand Is the rarest dis in all the land I gotta say, I was not expecting to be impressed by your small-town lawyer, but Gary knows his stuff.
I know.
I'm so happy to have I feel very lucky, very taken care of, you know? Yeah.
I could do without the mouth music, though.
Songs about Especially those creepy medieval tones.
- Hey, I know this is weird, but - Mm-hmm.
I don't know, I was kind of thinking that Gary and I might just Go out for a cup of coffee and an hour with your kindle fire, and you're forced to confront your past in an unpleasant way.
Mom, you came over to our table.
Well, I can't stay.
I am taking a Muay Thai boxing class, and I'm already muy minutes late.
I'm pretty sure those are two completely different languages you're butchering, but okay.
What? Oh, my God, mom.
Are you dying? Mom, do you have cancer? No, I don't have cancer.
I have syrup.
From the cabin.
You loved it when you were a kid, so here it is.
I have a crate of it at home, but I have a touch of osteoporosis, so I can't lift it.
So come and get some if you want.
Or don't.
Whatever.
I'm sure you'll do what you want.
- That was weird.
- Well, I thought it was sweet.
- Giving me purse syrup? - It's from Lake Kimmewah.
Don't you always says that the only place you and your mom ever got along? Um, okay, well, yeah, 'cause it was hard to fight when you're drinking cocktails in a kayak.
Okay, maybe she was just trying to reach out.
She's trying to make me fat.
She's jealous of my neck.
- Oh.
- What? Oh, guess what.
Your lawyer friended me.
Oh, my God.
Isn't his profile pic cute? He rescues pit bulls.
He left me a message.
"I managed to rustle up my law degree.
" - This guy's a piece of work.
- Yeah, he is.
Would love to show it to you over drinks.
Oh, God! I'm sorry.
Juice! Juice everywhere.
I just spilled my I spilled my juice.
All right, easy, steel magnolias.
- Juice, juice, juice.
- We got it.
- He asked you out.
- Yeah, I know.
I'll say no, though, 'cause that's weird, right? No.
I mean, do you wanna go? I mean, he's the only guy in town that I've met that's not wearing a flannel from Ross Dress For Less.
But, I mean, he's your lawyer, so No, you have to go! Okay, stop Stop yelling at me.
Sorry.
Are you sure you're okay with it? Of course, I'm totally cool! Totes kewl! Okay.
All right, well, kewl.
I'll do it.
Kewl.
- Okay.
- Kewl.
Totes kewl.
Still got it.
Emma! You gotta go get some more of this homemade syrup from your mom.
It is divine! Are you drinking syrup from a shot glass? I am, I'm doing a little tasting Tequila-style.
- Okay, that cannot be good.
- Come on.
I'm pregnant.
Sugar is my alcohol.
Okay, listen, can I ask you a question? Do these riding boots look okay? Does it look like I'm trying too hard? Is it too, like, Blake Lively hitting the stables? No, you look gorgeous.
Why are you trying on boots? Oh, Gary called.
He wanted to do, like, a last-minute thing tonight.
- So I was like, okay.
- Tonight? You're doing that tonight? Yeah, I guess there's a bluegrass band down at the gazebo? That's the Apple Dumpling Gang, and they're phenomenal.
Oh.
Oh, that's actually him.
Wait, I'm sorry.
He's picking you up here? - Yeah! - Where I am? Yeah.
I guess he's a little old-fashioned.
Anyway, you know what, I am gonna change.
I feel like I'm going to a fox hunt.
Could you grab the door? Thank you.
Gary! Oh, no.
Did the doorbell wake you up? N what? No.
Just, you know, look at me.
I'm just wearing a loose-fitting pant and watching The Business of Being Born, so Oh, I don't think I've seen that one.
Oh, Ricki Lake gives birth in a bathtub.
She just, like, reaches down and pulls out a sloppy baby.
Wow! That sounds crazy.
- Hey, there she is.
- I'm here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, hey, look at that flats.
Yep.
So anyway All right, we should go, right? - Yeah.
Okay, great.
- Okay.
- Oh.
- Let's go.
Have fun at that gazebo, right? Hey, tell Rondo I said hey.
He's the one with the full beard and the mandolin.
- Hey.
- Hey, you! Okay, you're not gonna believe this, but my date last night with Gary was phenomenal.
He is so sweet.
The sweetest.
I mean, it was like something out of the olden days.
Do you know the man owns his own wicker basket? Oh.
He brought, like, a bunch of fresh salams, aged cheeses, a little prosecco.
Ah! I wanna hear all about it, but, um, I just we need to get to the mediation right now.
But it's not for, like, another hour and a half, right? I know, but I just wanna get there early, - you know, be prepared.
- Hey, hey.
Today is gonna go great, okay? And I'm gonna be right there by your side, okay? Mm-hmm.
Now here's something to take your mind off of it.
Before the concert, Gary brought us backstage to meet the band.
- You met Rondo? - Yeah.
They dedicated a song to us Boxcar Lovers.
It's about two old hobos riding the rails Yeah, falling in love over a bunch of hot dogs.
I know.
Let's get on the get! Okay.
I didn't think I'd have so much fun with Gary, but you'd already told him so much about me.
It was like we already knew each other, you know? I did.
Yeah, I did.
- I told him all about you.
- Yeah.
I mean, it was like we'd skipped to the tenth date, you know? So thank you for that.
I'm so happy I did that for you.
Yeah.
Hey, what happened to the car seat? Oh! Right.
Uh, oh, God.
Okay, well, what happened was, um - Gary drove me home.
- Uh-huh.
And he kissed me good night.
Wow.
Yeah, it was actually kind of intense.
It was like that, um, scene from The Notebook, you know, where they're kissing in the rain? Yeah.
Skip to the end.
Um, anyway, I don't know what came over me, but I was like, "let's make out in the car!" But you know how he drives that two-seater? So so you made out in my car.
Yeah, you know, as adults do.
Oh! Okay, you had sex back here.
- With Gary.
- I had sex in your car! So It was crazy.
It's not something I normally would do, but Yeah.
I mean, kudos to the Highlander.
It has an extremely roomy backseat.
I'll tell you that much.
But anyway, I'm sorry, - I'll get the car seat reinstalled.
- No, that's fun.
Isn't that fun that you would do that? Yeah.
You know what, we should go inside, so I can get divorced.
Okay.
All right, Mag, hold on.
- With this? Okay.
- Yeah.
Have we discussed the mutual funds yet? - Yeah, we did.
- That right there.
Okay.
My client would like to dispute item 47.
I see.
Let me ask you this.
Was it my client, or was it your client who had an affair with a German woman on the Internet? That was me.
- The dispute is rescinded.
- Thank you.
Gary is good.
Nah, I don't think so, guys.
No! No, sir! Nope.
No, this is not gonna This is not gonna work for me.
- Maggie, we went over - Not gonna work for me, guys! - Mags, are you okay? - No, no, no, no, no.
This is not what I want, okay? But I can't have what I want.
Can we take a five-minute recess, please? I think I know what's going on here.
Babe, what are we doing? I mean, you're clearly filled with regret.
So am I.
- Maggie Caruso - Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Maggie! Get off your knees, you idiot! All right.
Kind of a Hail Mary.
Hey, Mags, are you okay? Yeah, I'm just making sure my child is safe.
I don't want her to fly out into the wild blue yonder.
Oh, well, we could just go back to the police station.
You know, we'll get We'll get Steve to put it in again.
Why did you have to have sex with him? What? Of all the people in the town, you had to have sex with Gary and then tell me all about it.
Mags, you ask me to tell you about all my dates.
Well, not this one, okay, Em? Not this one.
Oh, my God, Mags, do you like him? Yeah, I like him! Okay? And I know it's stupid, but I thought maybe he was the guy I could be with when everything calms down.
I mean, listen to our voices.
It's like Peter Paul & Mary.
If you liked him, why didn't you just tell me? You should have known! I made truffles for him.
You make truffles for everybody.
Oh, okay, well, not these truffles.
These were handcrafted.
Everybody else, I just throw 'em in the cocoa all Willy-nilly.
- Maggie, I had no idea.
- You know why? Because you're so far stuffed up your own butthole that you don't know what anybody else needs or wants.
Hey, that's not nice! You know what else isn't nice is hearing about you doing it on my car seat with the guy of my dreams.
All right, you know what? I asked you if it was okay if I went out with him, and you said, "it's totes kewl.
" Yeah, well, it wasn't kewl, okay? Whenever I say it's "totes kewl," FYI, it's not kewl.
But Maggie! Kewl means cool! Kewl means cool! You sure you can get it in, right? 'Cause Maggie, like, completely lost her mind on me.
So you had sex back here, right? What? I'm sorry, what did you just say? You had sex in the backseat of this car.
How did What? How did you I'm a cop.
I, uh, solve mysteries for a living.
I also happen to know from personal experience that you have a thing for doing it in the backseat, so Okay, that's gross.
Who was it? - Maggie's lawyer.
- Gary Beitcher? Wow.
I always thought Maggie liked him.
How does everyone know that but me? Because you're not very good at reading signs.
- That is not true.
- Really? Yeah.
When I proposed to you, you acted like it came completely out of left field.
Okay, well, it did.
That was crazy.
I took you ring shopping! That could've meant a lot of different things.
- Oh, my God.
- Do you that in some cultures an exchange of rings is, like -is for friendship? - Mm-hmm.
Or perhaps, like, an exchange of property? - Syrup? - What? What's going on with the syrup? Did you and Gary go the full 9 1/2 weeks? No.
Shut up.
It's for my mom.
It's from Lake Kimmewah.
You know that guy with the yellow beard, gives it out to everybody? Your mom gave you something? That's huge.
No, it isn't.
She just wants to get a bunch of syrup off her hands.
Maggie says she's trying to connect with me, but Uh-huh.
Then I'd have to go over there, and we'd have to sit and talk for, like, hours and hours.
And this is literally what we were just talking about.
Could you get out of my car? I'm sick of you being right.
- Oh, sure.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
By all means.
- Get out.
- Thank you.
- Okay, mm-hmm.
- Take care.
- See you later.
I wish Steve had done this.
You know what, Steve is not the answer to your problems.
You know that, right? He's the answer to one of them.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
My downstairs.
Oh, I thought Gary Beitcher was the answer to your downstairs problems.
- Get out of here, please.
- Okay, yeah.
Hey, Mags, I don't know where you are, but I know I screwed up, and I wanna say I'm sorry.
So, um, also, um, I went to see my mom like you said.
So anyway, call me back, okay? Oh.
I brought waffles.
Then I guess we're doing this now.
May have gotten a little soggy in transit, but I think they'll still be good Maggie? What are you doing here? Um, nothing.
We were I was just, um Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag.
Your best friend Maggie and I are friends.
What? No, it's not what it looks like.
You have a secret friendship with my mom? No, it's no big deal.
We just, like, spend time together and talk about our lives.
And isn't that the very definition of a friendship? Okay, Maggie, why are you hiding things from me? First Gary, now you're cheating on me with my mom? No, I I don't know.
I didn't tell you that I liked Gary because you seemed so excited when you got his message.
And your mom, I just She makes me feel better when I'm sad.
That's what I do.
Yes, dear, but you absconded to Shanghai - all those years ago.
- Yeah.
And I didn't wanna tell you 'cause I knew you'd be upset.
Oh, well, I'm not upset.
In fact, I don't even care.
If you wanna be best friends with my mom, that's totes kewl! Oh, do not "totes kewl" me.
Oh, I will "totes kewl" whoever I What the hell is this? You and my mother, on a tandem kayak in Lake Kimmewah? - Our special place? - You were in China! What was I supposed to do, kayak alone? That's not safe.
I'd been drinking.
How many times have you been to the cabin, Maggie? Hmm? I don't know, just a couple.
Like, a Christmas or two.
Hmm.
Isn't that a pretty picture? The two of you sipping wassail over an open fire! What did you, roast a couple chestnuts? - Is that what you did? - Ah! You see, Maggie? I told you that syrup idea would backfire.
- What? Wait a second.
- Crap.
The syrup was your idea? Okay, all right.
This is rich.
This is richer than any syrup could ever be.
I am going to go eat my waffles alone.
And without syrup.
Dry! Dry as a goddamn bone! Please, no! Drink some water! Nope.
So just slap your old John Hancock on that one, and we are finished.
So we don't have to go to court? No court.
But Bruce has requested five marriage counseling sessions.
- What? - Yeah.
He's convinced that your freak-out at the mediation was all about him, and he wants another chance to win you back.
Well, that's never gonna happen.
Yeah, I know.
But don't tell Bruce that.
At least not until the last session.
Okay? Oh, Gary, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were here.
Oh, no, no, no.
We're done.
And, um, you should stay, okay? I'll give you guys a moment.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did you guys have a quickie? Yeah, we broke the porch swing with our vigorous lovemaking.
I ended it with Gary.
Emma, you didn't have to do that.
Please, it's fine.
He had T-rex arms.
I'm sorry? Like, he has arms like a Tyrannosaurus rex.
I didn't notice that.
Yeah, no, he did.
Every time he went to hug me it was, like, right on my boobs.
Come on.
No, I think I was just trying to have a little Shanghai surprise here in the States.
But You're the only thing that matters.
I know.
I should have told you that I liked him, though.
No, please, I should've known.
Okay.
Well, I am gonna break up with your mom.
No, please.
If you wanna be friends with my mom, that is your hell to pay.
But you have to stop hiding stuff from me, okay? Okay.
And I know that I don't always pay attention 'cause I'm too busy talking But please don't tell me something is totes kewl if it isn't totes kewl 'cause I don't wanna hurt your feelings.
Okay, well, that's all kewl.
It's kewl.
Totes kewl.
Okay, don't say it.
Can I just say one thing that is not totes kewl? What? We are running dangerously low on this sweet, sweet syrup, so Ooh.
I need to get a little bit of that.
Hey, it's almost gone! Oh, you have a real problem, don't you? My only problem is that you won't give me the syrup.
I'm gonna bring you to celebrity rehab.
I'm gonna bring you to the court for being mean - to pregnant people! - Oohhoo-hoo! - Give it to Hey! - Ooh, you want it? You want it? Mom, are you sure you are okay with us taking this much syrup? Please, I have more than I can handle.
I think that yellow-bearded syrup maker was in love with me.
Oh, he is the last time we were at the cabin, good ol' peebeard was all up in your business.
Maggie, you are bad! Oh, guys, too soon.
Okay.
Well, it's a shame that our time's coming to an end.
- It's been a delight.
- Oh, well, wait! Mom, I mean, we're here.
We could stick around, have some chamomile, maybe cuddle up with those kashmir throws you gave to Maggie but not me.
Yeah, I'm not in the mood for tea.
Okay, Gwen, she came for the syrup.
This is what we were talking about.
Mrs.
Crawford, I changed out all the light bulbs.
Anything else you need me to do? - Oh my God.
- Holy crap.
Uh, yes, Steve.
As a matter of fact, I have some very heavy paving stones in the backyard, and I'd like you to move them for me.
Well, that's gonna be a dirty job.
I'll have to take off my shirt.
That's fine, Steve.
That's just fine.
Oh, my I cannot believe my mom is an old horndog.
Like mother, like daughter.
Okay, not kewl, okay? Totally not kewl.