Porn and Ice Cream (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

1
-I love your jacket.
-Thank you, Nacho.
Does it suit me?
It suits you beautifully.
-I want you to be our manager.
-Yeah?
You will be loaded.
Pablo?
What are you doing, Ramón?
I'm vacuuming before making breakfast.
I'm sleeping, can't you see?
You wouldn't speak to me
if you were sleeping.
Or are you a sleepwalker?
Yes, I sleepwalk. You know what?
I'll pee right now.
No, Ceci, that's gross.
Ceci, wake up.
Ceci, wake up, Ceci.
Ceci, wake up, please.
Ceci, don't pee here!
Ceci, it's Ramón!
Ceci, it's Ramón! You're at my place,
don't pee in your pants!
I'm awake now.
PORN AND ICE CREAM
Porn and ice cream
THE FEEBLE-MINDED
You have realized you're just a creep
You look in the mirror
Pablo
And want to scream
Pablo!
What is it, Mom?
Could you turn that off, please?
We're having breakfast.
Aren't you happy to hear
the song your son wrote?
I was the first time. By the seventh,
I want to beat the shit out of you.
Noemí
Sorry, but it's impossible
to eat like this.
I'd go to a bar,
but I'm on house arrest.
Pablo, we like the song,
but maybe we could
use some time to have
a conversation, as a family.
So authoritarian, man.
I'm an artist. I should listen
to my songs whenever I want.
You're 30, honey. You could start thinking
about moving out, right?
-Are you kicking me out?
-Nobody said that, Pablo.
It's just a thought.
You don't need to go today.
What?
You want me to leave today?
Okay, I'm leaving today!
It was a good first attempt.
Dad, could you do my laundry,
and I'll pick it up later?
-Sure, Pablo, dear.
-Thanks.
But I'm still mad!
Oh, Ramón, I need to fuck.
-Okay, but let's go to the bedroom.
-Not with you, Ramón.
Okay I'll go make breakfast.
I ate the last slices of bread yesterday.
Ceci, I need you to leave my place.
You said you'd only stay one night.
It's been nearly two weeks.
-I don't have any money, Ramón.
-You have a jacket worth 20,000 pesos.
-Return it and you'll go back home.
-I'm not returning it!
It'll open doors for us, see?
It gives me manager status.
But what do you prefer?
Status or a place to stay?
Plus, you're dirty and you steal my food.
-Ramón, why do you treat me like that?
-Between friends, honesty is paramount.
You know what, Ramón?
I forgive you.
-Your breath stinks.
-Ramón!
Hi, friends.
You left the television on.
My parents kicked me out.
Are the batteries dead?
Shall we spend a few days together?
Okay, I'll return the jacket.
I need it to look unworn.
That'll be difficult.
It has seven semen stains.
Yes, it's semen.
Dad, when you do my laundry, you'll see
several of my briefs are a bit yellow.
It's because I've been
a little nervous lately,
and I woke up several times
Like, I peed a little in my sleep.
It's not serious, I'm just telling you
so that you're aware when you wash them.
And please, please, don't tell Mom, okay?
Well, I'm sending you a kiss, Pops. Bye.
Whoa!
Whoa!
-W
-That's not funny, Pablo.
All right.
-This isn't pork?
-It's not.
I don't think so. My cousin
is starting this company
It's closed!
-Bummer!
-We shouldn't have stopped for burgers!
Anyway, what can we do?
OXFORD BAR
CAFE-BAR
Oh, Nacho's there.
-You might fulfill your erotic dream
-Shut up!
-And then he turned into Pablo.
-Shut up!
Wow! Did you dream of me?
-Don't worry, I've dreamed of you a lot
-Pablo!
-I mean, erotic dreams.
-I got that.
-Hey!
-Look, we'll have to go in.
-What are you doing here?
-I came for a drink.
-I know, decadent rocker scum.
-Decadent rocker scum!
Leave this place at once,
all of you.
Hey! Grace, you can't kick them out.
Oh, can't I? Just watch me.
Leave immediately.
Or I'll call the police.
-If they leave, we leave, too.
-Oh, I'm terrified!
-Don't worry, I'm leaving.
-No, no, no!
Hey, hey, hey! Listen!
We're witnessing an act of discrimination
from the owner of this establishment.
They kick out one of us,
they kick out all of us. Understood?
They kick out one,
they kick out all of us.
-They kick out one of us
-All of us!
-They kick out one of us
-All of us!
-One of us
-All of us!
-One of us
-All of us!
-One of us
-All of us!
Let's go to Incestuous. Hey, come on.
I feel like I'm still dreaming.
If I was dreaming,
I'd have a gun in my hand.
Hey, let's go, now. Let's go.
Hey!
-A drink?
-Yes, thank you.
A cocktail? You?
-No, thanks.
-Sure.
Thank you.
Hey, nice jacket.
Thank you very much.
Would you like to try it on?
No. Why would I want to try it on?
No reason.
Hey, that's Picky Valeroso.
-Who?
-Picky Valeroso.
A genius. People say
he's the third Pet Shop Boy.
Sing, sing, sing, sing
-No, no, no
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, dude!
Sing, sing, sing
Dude, pass me the guitar. Okay.
Give me that. Hit it, Picky. Come on.
One, two, three
The little squirrel in the forest
One day lost his path
Poor little squirrel
Never made it back
"Hi, little friend," he heard nearby
It was an anteater passing by
What did he say?
-Is this for real?
-Yes, I can't believe he is here.
Everybody!
"Hi, little friend"
"Hi, little friend"
"Hi, little friend"
"Hi, little friend"
"Hi, little friend"
"Hi, little friend"
"Hi, little friend"
Oh, oh, oh
No way, he's from another galaxy.
For that money, I wouldn't even
But also, you saw the guy, right?
He amused me.
No, no, you saw his face.
Oh, well, this restroom
Look at this restroom,
I think I'll disinfect it with my pee.
Bloody hell, huh? They haven't cleaned it
since Microsoft released Windows 3.
Am I right?
-Huh?
-What?
I said they haven't cleaned this place
since Windows 3 was released in 1990.
They cleaned this place in May, 1990.
Why don't you laugh?
Because it's not funny.
None of what I said
seemed funny to you?
No.
No. I thought those were
pretty average jokes.
I like your honesty.
What's your name?
Ramón.
Pleased to meet you.
Won't you tell me your name?
My name?
I can't believe it.
You really don't know who I am?
No, I mean, I've just seen you play,
but I don't know who you are.
No, I love this guy. I love him.
Okay.
Picky Valeroso, a pleasure.
Could you wash your hands
before shaking my hand?
Oh, no. No, I love this guy, huh?
No, I love him,
I love him, I love him!
We love him, we love him.
Would you be my friend?
-Uh We'll see, I mean
-No, not "we'll see."
Come to my house,
I'll throw a party. Come on.
Let's go to my place. I can't believe it,
man, I can't believe it.
Quincy Jones produced his last album.
-The little squirrel dude's album?
-Picky Valeroso.
Yes, they say he's
the fourth member of The Jam.
-Sandro.
-Coming.
-Where were you?
-In the restroom.
I bumped into Picky Valeroso.
What? Introduce me to him!
No, he's already gone.
He invited me to a party at his place.
-When?
-Now.
Let's go, right now.
-Let's go.
-Let's go.
Hey, are you guys leaving?
-Yes, we are.
-So soon?
-Uh We're feeling a bit unwell.
-The three of you?
-Yes. We're, like, very connected.
-Okay.
-And something made us
-Right.
-Get well soon, guys.
-Thanks.
Go on. The invitation was for you.
Hi, how are you? What's up?
-Welcome, ladies.
-Thanks.
-We're on Picky Valeroso's guest list.
-There's no guest list.
No guest list.
Thank you very much. Good evening.
There's no guest list.
Shall we go to my place instead or
-There, I've finished my ciggie.
-I'm sorry?
I've finished my ciggie, so
I'm going back in.
No, sir, you weren't in there.
Of course I was. Yeah. I arrived with a
very tall girl, brunette, an actress.
Anyway, I'll go smoke
another ciggie and
-Leave it to me.
-Hey, a ciggie.
-Welcome, hi.
-Hi, thanks.
-That's a cute jacket.
-Thanks, it was very expensive.
-Ceci!
-Oh, yes, those two are with me.
Where's Picky? He must listen
to our song so that he hires us.
He is a musician, he doesn't hire.
You're mean. You're always against me.
-I'll find him, then you'll see. Yes.
-Okay, good luck.
That old pervert won't stop looking at me.
He looks like a nice guy.
He looks unpleasant, Ramón.
I think you're gerontophobic, Ceci.
I'm Bermúdez.
Do you want to go to the toilet
to snort coke?
Of course.
Excuse me, are you Ramón?
-Yes.
-Mr. Valeroso expects you in his studio.
Excuse me, do you know where Picky is?
I've worked here for eight years
and I don't know who he is.
What? You've never seen him?
I just know that every night, at 23:04,
I must mix him a Negroni.
But That's him.
That's him?
I love him.
They say he's the eighth BTS.
And the hippopotamus wept
It's a hit. From my new album.
And you're the first person to hear it.
For real. Well, besides them.
-It's a hit. You've played a bomb, Picky.
-It's a banger.
-What do you reckon?
-The song is bad.
You think the song is bad?
No, it's all right, you're being honest.
It's fine, perfect. Did you hear that?
You guys always tell me
that you love what I do.
-It's true. You write hit after hit.
-Yes, it's spectacular, Picky.
"Picky, you're a genius!
Picky, you're a genius!"
Who am I supposed to believe? Him or you?
Get out of here. You're fired.
-Really?
-Get out. Now!
I can't believe it.
We met for a reason.
Listen to this song.
The chimpanzee is armed
The chimpanzee
And the hummingbird, frightened
Drank a coffee
He drank a coffee
Oh
Come on, man! What's happening in there?
I don't know why you assumed
I snorted coke. I mean, I don't.
I did snort a few times. A few.
I mean, I can count them
with the fingers of one hand.
A 300-fingered hand.
Come on, man! What are you doing?
An immersion bath?
-But why the urgency?
-We want to use the bathroom.
-You're having a little party? Invite me.
-Yeah.
-Yes?
-Yes.
-Come on, yeah!
-Okay.
I don't have enough for a third person.
-He's not a "third person" but a friend.
-Actually, not third. I'm Segundo.
-That means "second". Pleasure.
-He's Segundo.
Actually, we studied at
-At
-Northlands School.
Northern Those were the days!
Oh, you remember, honey?
Give me some more. Yeah, will you?
-We
-We, uh
-Were
-Were, uh
A couple!
She was my first and last woman.
-I'm irreplaceable, that's why.
-Too much. The bits downstairs didn't
The vulva, Segundo, call a spade a spade.
Could I have a little
-Are you listening?
-No way.
-Our song! Let's dance.
-Uncanny!
-Let's go. Thanks.
-Hey, wait.
-That jacket is da bomb. Da bomb.
-Thank you.
-My name is Ceci.
-Segundo.
-Second!
-We said it at the same time!
I'd always wanted to have a gay friend.
No. What you said is not okay.
It's very homophobic. It's not okay.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, right.
Excuse me.
-Are you following me?
-No.
-I was Well, yes, I wanna meet Picky.
-Oh, yes, of course. Follow me.
Wait upstairs, please.
Hello.
Excuse me. Sorry, love,
excuse me. Thank you.
-Who's that boy?
-Who?
-By the stairs, cute.
-Who?
Super cute. God, he's lovely!
Oh, no, he's a musician, but forget
about him, he's mega canceled.
-Why? What did he do?
-Very controversial tweets in 2014.
Well, who didn't tweet
controversial stuff in 2014?
-Hi.
-Hi.
I'm Ceci.
Want to go to the toilet and snort coke?
Of course.
Excuse me,
are you waiting for Picky Valeroso?
-We're all waiting for Picky Valeroso.
-We're all waiting for Picky Valeroso.
I've been waiting for 30 years.
-Hey!
-Hey,
Didn't you guys feel unwell?
Yeah, but we're better now.
Thanks for asking.
I thought we liked each other.
I defended you, took you to Incestuous,
introduced you to my mates.
Well, thank you, Jesus Christ. What
No, my mistake, I was imagining things.
Forget about it. Shall we?
No
You should know
that we're being complicit in a crime.
Oh, yeah?
-This coke is stolen.
-Who did you steal it from?
-Bermúdez, some old pervert.
-Yes, I know him.
Imagine he reports us and the police
are waiting for us outside as we speak.
Even if he hadn't, the police could be
outside anyway. This is illegal.
What just happened?
-Nothing. I don't know.
-Why do you reject me?
-I don't know. I don't want to.
-What don't you want?
-To kiss you. I don't want to.
-Are you kidding me?
-I just don't want to kiss you.
-You're canceled!
-So what?
-You're canceled,
and dare to reject me?
-Can't you see nobody likes you?
-Girl, you don't know me.
-And you crashed this party.
-What?
-Party crasher.
-What? Sorry, but
You offer me stolen coke
and wear a stolen jacket.
-It's not stolen.
-No? It's still got the labels on.
I bought it today.
And I forgot to take them off.
Yeah, right.
The insults around him take many guises
Crushing the poor platypus
With identity crisis
As loud as thunder his voice rises
"Bah, meow, moo!"
-You didn't like it?
-No.
How would you describe it in one word?
Awful.
You're very hurtful, you know?
But I love it.
What a word. "Awful,"
I love it. What else?
Uh It sounds like you wrote it
while you washed your feet.
No, no, what an image! What
Awesome. What else?
Every time you play it,
a kitten dies crushed by a microwave.
You're mean. You're really mean.
But it's fine. Now it's my turn.
-Your turn?
-I'll tell you what I think about you.
-No, but I don't want you to
-When you speak,
it's like half your brain is missing.
I don't know, you're a robot or an idiot.
And you're ugly.
That's what you are, basically.
Ugly. You're also mentally ugly. Ugly,
ugly, ugly, ugly. Ugly. Very, very ugly.
I don't like what you're telling me.
Well, look, you know what?
Friends have to be honest.
Then, I don't want to be your friend.
The little bear was sincere
Ooh, oh, ah, ah
To the woodpecker flying near
Ooh, oh, ah, ah
But the little bear could not bear
Ah, ah
The blunt honesty of the bird
Ooh, ooh
What do you guys think?
Do you like it?
Yes, very good.
Picky, why do you even ask?
It's a banger.
Yes, you guys are hired.
Excuse me,
are you choosing the music?
There's no DJ, we're connecting
to the speaker via Bluetooth.
-Uh, may I play a tune?
-Of course.
Look, that's the speaker.
You have realized you're just a creep
You look in the mirror and want to scream
If you feel abandoned and grim
You will always have
Porn and ice cream
Porn and ice cream
Porn and ice cream
Porn and ice cream
Porn and ice cream
Every time, to let off some steam
Porn and ice cream
Porn and ice cream
Porn and ice cream
Dad
Porn and ice cream
Every time, to let off some
Hey
Hi, Son. I'm calling you now
that your mother is sleeping.
No, no
I've seen the underwear you left behind.
Why are you peeing in your pants again?
Maybe you have
a problem in your sphincter?
I can talk to Dr. Bendesky.
He's the one who treated
your hemorrhoids, remember?
Well, give me a call tomorrow, Son.
Love you.
Hey, dude, who hasn't peed their pants?
What an awful night.
Mine was a lot worse, trust me.
Many people suffer
from incontinence, you know.
Pablo wins.
Baby You guys need a ride?
Who is he?
-His zipper was down, did you see that?
-Yes.
I was like, "God, what are we
doing in there with him? No."
-Could I play a song?
-You're so annoying.
-Yes, connect on Bluetooth. It's on.
-Fab.
Girlfriend, stealing that coke
from Bermúdez? Impressive.
Beautiful. Unpleasant old fart.
And so brave. Everyone fears him.
-Bermúdez?
-Yeah.
-Why?
-He owns Mano Music.
The biggest record label in the country.
-Bermúdez owns Mano Music?
-Yes.
That's the song from the party, right?
Who are these guys?
It's us.
-You wrote this?
-Yes.
-They're The Feeble-Minded.
-We're not.
Well, for now, you're The Feeble-Minded.
Do you have tattoos?
No.
Has any of you been arrested
or imprisoned?
No.
Is any of you celiac?
No.
My boss is a very important senator.
It's his daughter's 15th
and I need a band for her birthday party.
Is the money good?
There will be lots of money.
This is my boss.
-Vieira?
-Yes.
Vieira, Vieira
Your best president
Sorry, I'm a bit high.
-Ramón.
-Huh?
Was my dad's message too humiliating?
To be honest, it was
No.
No, nobody heard it, Pablo, don't worry.
Have some rest.
Ceci.
Go sleep in the bedroom with Pablo.
I'll sleep on the sofa.
No, Ramón, no.
I'm fine. I'm not sleepy.
-Are you sure?
-I'm sure.
-Okay, good night.
-Good night, Ramón, sleep well.
I'm returning the jacket.
-Ceci!
-No! Get her!
Go on.