Post Mortem: No One Dies in Skarnes (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[hurried footsteps]
[birdsong]
["God Morgen" plays]
[sung in Norwegian]
Good morning, good morning ♪
The day is bright and fine ♪
So pull up your shutters ♪
Good morning, good morning ♪
Now you have to get up soon ♪
Become awake and stretch your body ♪
And let's stretch the body! ♪
Good morning, good morning ♪
See what weather we'll get ♪
Now I'll make my bed and leave ♪
[chuckles]
A NETFLIX SERIES
[opening song in Norwegian plays]
POST MORTEM
NO ONE DIES IN SKARNES
[Judith] Flipped? Yes?
Mm-hm.
At the roundabout?
On the roundabout?
Okay, the word you are looking for
is "near" the roundabout.
POLICE DEPARTMEN
This isn't a preposition course,
but it's relevant to me to know
if it's lying dead
in the middle of the roundabout
and creating traffic for others.
And, as you mentioned the roundabout,
I need to know where to look.
Do you understand the difference?
Mm-hm.
Yes.
Okay.
Near the roundabout.
Yeah, I'm coming. Mm-hm.
Great. See ya.
[sighs]
That was Vetle by the Coop. [chuckles]
He told me the travelling library
has flipped over near the roundabout.
I'd better look. And see if I can find
Vetle a book on grammar while I'm at it.
You gonna take the bicycle?
- Could do, but the police car's there.
- No, Reinert has it.
He hasn't come in yet.
Okay, I'll be on the bicycle, then.
It's not that far.
You, uh Yeah, be strict with him
when he comes back,
- if he arrives before I return.
- Mm-hm.
- I'm off. See ya!
- See ya.
Good morning.
Didn't mean to scare you.
Uh No. Good morning.
You haven't seen Reinert, have you?
Uh
Uh, no.
Are you, uh certain?
Uh Yeah, sure.
As I can be.
Hmm?
[train wheels screeching]
[train stops]
[coughs]
You're accusing me of a walk of shame
the day after Papa's burial? Is that it?
No, no, not that at all.
I'm sorry. Sorry, that was dumb of me.
[clears throat]
As you can see here, number 52
has an absolutely exquisite finish,
made from a mahogany-stained
cherry blossom tree.
Ah, the lining is of a very fine silk.
Here, you can see that there's matching
lace on both duvet, pillow and face cloth.
Not to mention the, uh open-close
mechanism, which is very special.
- Most caskets have a lid
- Hmm.
that you put on top and screw in,
while this one is like
ah, a car door, almost. [chuckles]
[discordant notes blare]
- What price are you expecting for that?
- Hm?
Price. That one.
Uh The price of this one
That's, um Yeah, well, that's, uh
I guess it's about, uh 52,000.
- Ooh!
- 52,000?
On a casket that's just to be a used
for one day? It's really just a few hours.
[chuckles]
Gentlemen, um
What can I say to win your trust?
What are you trying to say to us?
Um, a discount is what I'm talking about.
Uh Let's say
twenty percent? [chuckles]
- You're bartering?
- On a coffin?
- It's just a bit too dear.
- Far too dear.
Uh I agree. Well, I
Uh I hear what you're saying. Hmm.
If you wouldn't mind following me?
This way.
- We have some alternatives out here.
- Yeah.
- It was dear.
- Ever so dear.
Then we have this model.
It's very popular.
Yes. And the price would be Yeah?
This one will cost you, uh 32,000.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Yeah.
And if we continue to go down in price,
we have this one.
- Yes?
- This is only 24,000.
[heavy rainfall]
Mama grew up during the war, Odd.
Oh, yeah?
- [both] "One should not squander."
- Mm. Mm.
She'd say, "You shouldn't squander money
on things you don't need."
No. However, a coffin is one thing
your mother does actually need.
Yes, and what is more wasteful
than a coffin that is gonna be burnt, hm?
- [clears throat]
- Good point.
In that case, we have this one.
Tell me.
Which costs 3,599.
And with that 20 percent discount of yours
- you just promised us
- Ahh
Now I come to think of it,
we only have this model in XXL.
We'll take it.
Trouble is, obviously,
it'll be far too big for your little mama.
That'll be fine. We'll take that one.
Yeah. Wonderful.
Shame I'm not allowed to throw her in
a body bag. That'd be cheapest.
[Odd chuckles]
We're discussing our Mama, Odd.
That was one step too far, Odd.
[heavy rainfall continues]
A SALES CLASS WITH MARTIN JETTLAND
Hmm.
[knocking at door]
- Odd?
- Hm?
I just, um
Um
- I just don't know what I should do.
- No. Welcome to the club, then.
- Hm?
- I just sold a model eight.
Yeah. With a [laughs]
20 percent reduction.
[groans] This will never work, you know.
Uh, what will never work?
I won't be able to make the money
I have to make on that Gundersen funeral.
One week with me behind the wheel,
and so far,
I've driven the firm right off a cliff.
- From selling a coffin a bit cheaply?
- [sighs]
No, because I can't sell them
any extra things.
Bargain coffin,
they're making the programmes themselves,
food with the family.
Luckily it's autumn, otherwise they'd have
insisted on picking the flowers too.
Decorate the church
with crocuses and dandelions and
- [clicking]
- [Odd signs]
- You and me have to talk
- They'll take the house.
- The Gundersen sons?
- No, the bank will!
I have no revenue, because there isn't
anyone fucking dying in Skarnes!
This funeral was supposed to
prove to the town that we at Hallangen
come first in the list
for special funerals,
dignified and classy.
Now, people will take their dead parents
to those useless cowboy bastards
in Kongsvinger.
- Useless, impersonal service.
- Hang on a minute, Odd.
Hold on. You'll arrange
a friendly, intimate little funeral.
- Huh?
- The most important thing here
- is you show the bank
- So you've seen the model eight, have you?
- Oh, yeah. It's this, then.
- Mm-hm.
And also, it's enormous.
No cotton filling.
No wood shavings in the bottom.
The duvet that goes with it is so thin.
[sighs]
If I'd sold this one,
it would have been so perfect.
Mrs. Gundersen is a petite lady.
She'll look like Knerten in it!
There's room for her and both her sons.
Hello?
[gasps] Uh, yeah? Yeah, I'm sorry.
- You coping?
- Yeah, yeah.
- You wanted to say something earlier?
- Oh, yeah. Uh
Yeah, no, that was nothing.
I've figured that out.
- [Rose] Odd?
- Rose?
- [Rose] Odd?
- Coming! Okay, yeah.
Your phone rang several times,
so I answered it.
- Has anyone died?
- [chuckles] No!
- It was the bank, silly.
- [groans]
They wondered if you could
call them back pretty soon.
- Yeah. Did they say what it was about?
- No.
- There's nothing wrong, is there?
- No, no.
They would have been calling about, uh
life insurance or something. Thanks.
It's strange they should be selling you
life insurance,
- the way you've been carrying on.
- Yeah. Live came back again.
Papa didn't have insurance, so
No, we'll just have
to keep buggering on and work more.
We'll manage.
[doctor] Live?
Hi.
Would you be able to stop by
my office this afternoon?
I've been a bit worried
about you since the funeral.
Uh, funny you should ask.
I'm a little occupied at the mo
- I've got to get to our storage with
- I insist.
things here.
[Judith] Ooh-hoo!
THE BOOK VAN
- [man] Hello.
- Yes, here we are.
- Where's the driver, then?
- Uh, he took off.
[chuckles]
- In the middle of the roundabout.
- Yeah, it was the middle, indeed
- Drunk driving?
- Difficult to say for sure.
Hmm, hmm
Who actually reads this stuff?
[chuckles] That's a good question.
There has to be
a better selection inside the van.
[sighs]
- Hmm. Hmm
- [rain rattling on van]
- Uh, suppose I should get on, then?
- Yeah.
Yeah, clear it up
before the afternoon rush starts. [sighs]
Bargain trashy novels
[sighs]
Housewife porn.
[Judith grunts]
[panting]
[phone buzzing]
FAILED: PRESS HERE TO TRY AGAIN
PRESS HERE TO TRY AGAIN
[ping]
[phone clicks]
[phone chimes]
I'M NOT FEELING WELL.
I'LL SEE YOU AT WORK TOMORROW.
[rings doorbell]
[Judith] Reinert?
[knocking]
[rings doorbell]
[sighs]
[buzzing]
[grunting]
Reinert, are you there?
[panting]
[Rose] Want to go to the cinema tonight?
Oh, no, for fuck's sake.
[sighs]
What?
Has she started leaking as well, now?
[sighs]
Fuck's sake.
[sighs]
This is an old family secret.
My dad used to do this
when bodies were leaking.
Thick plastic and duct tape.
Sorted.
Or we could go to the Chinese restaurant.
If you'd like to go.
- Odd.
- Yeah, just a moment. Fucking awkward.
I was just wondering if we should book
a table for us, at the Chinese restaurant.
[sucking sound]
Or it would be fine just to stay at home.
- Huh [exhales slowly]
- Hello! Rose to Odd!
Yes, Odd here.
I'm just sewing a mouth shut.
- Give me a minute.
- Oh.
- Hers or mine?
- Huh? [sighs]
I'm sorry.
Uh, the Chinese would be perfect.
Or just stay home.
[grunts]
Why spend time getting her to look good
when you're gonna slam the lid shut
and no one will see her face anyway?
Dignity.
- It's like Papa used to say, you know.
- Mmm?
No matter whether in life you're
fortuneless or rich, here we're all equal.
- Odd?
- Yeah?
It's just a funeral, you know?
I know you're stressing a lot,
but you know this.
It will be so nice,
and everyone will remember this forever.
I really hope they don't.
- [tyres squeak]
- [bicycle bell rings]
Hi, Live.
Judith?
Yeah, uh
I must apologise
for what I insinuated earlier.
- I just didn't mean what I said
- Oh, no, doesn't matter.
Uh-huh/ What are you pulling?
Oh, no. That that's
Those are boards,
and some other shit that we
- [laughs] Oh, yes.
- Had to pick up at the storage for Odd.
It almost looks like a dead body.
[chuckles] I'm just kidding with you.
- So you have a storage place over there?
- Yeah, there.
- Yeah.
- Straight and to the left.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, so that
- Well, looks so heavy.
- No, no, it's much lighter than it looks.
So
- Yeah.
- He's actually waiting for me.
- Yes. Give him my regards.
- Okay, yeah. Bye, bye.
[bird squawks and flutters]
[grunts]
[strains]
[grunts]
[thump]
- Hi.
- Hi.
What are you doing?
Um, I'm just padding it up a little,
under Mrs. Gundersen,
so the coffin won't look so enormous.
- Oh.
- You know, dignity.
- That's smart. Thanks.
- Mm.
- Are you all right?
- I just
Oh. Uh thought about
all the death that surrounds us.
Yeah.
I guess we should should put the lid on
so we can get out of here?
Yeah.
Let's do that. [sighs]
[thumping]
- Could you just help me a little here?
- Yeah.
[Odd sighs]
- Have you got it?
- Yeah.
[Odd sighs]
[grunts] Yeah, that's it.
Let's see. There.
[sighs]
- Aah.
- Yes, and then
I suppose it's straight to cremation
with this one, huh?
Yep, it is indeed.
- Shall we go?
- Yeah.
- So sad.
- I agree.
[Live] I think it's important
we take a break
[Odd] I understand, but
I have to pay the mortgage.
A SALES CLASS WITH MARTIN JETTLAND
Let's start with
the most important thing first.
"It's just business."
Hm?
S-W-O-T. SWOT.
Strengths, weaknesses, opportunities,
threats.
We must be able to have self-awareness
and be able to self-diagnose
in these areas
to be able to drive a successful business.
Hallangen!
What are
Hallangen Funeral Agency's strengths?
Uh Nah.
Lifelong experience?
Yeah, we are, uh, five generations
of a family
- with a funeral service in Skarnes.
- Boom! Weaknesses?
- Uh Don't know.
- Red numbers. That's why you're here.
- Yeah.
- Opportunities?
Folks will always die?
[laughs]
[chalk scraping]
There. And the next, threats.
What threats?
What are Hallangen
Funeral Agency's threats?
Mmm don't know.
- What's the reason you're going under?
- We're not going under.
No, not yet.
We've survived in Skarnes since 1914.
We're not going under now.
[Martin and Odd sigh]
What are you frightened of?
I can't think of anything.
My job is to make nice funerals
for people in Skarnes.
What are you frightened of?
I think it would be very sad if we had to
send all of those who die all the way to
Kongsvinger.
Odd.
What are you frightened of?
[Odd] Uh
I have no idea what I'm doing.
I can't sell anything. I've inherited
a completely ludicrous debt.
And that's because
nobody ever fucking dies in Skarnes!
Sorry.
[sniffs]
Can you hold this one?
You got enough, do you think?
How would you describe
your general wellbeing recently?
Normal.
I don't have to remind you
of my confidentiality, I presume.
Nope.
But, uh, maybe we're done, yeah?
I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
It can feel lonesome.
Hello.
Hi.
Are you gonna finish in there tonight?
I'll be a while.
Until when?
Um, forever.
Yeah
Yeah, as long as you have a plan.
- Darling?
- Mmm?
I maybe need to tell you something.
Uh-huh?
[sighs heavily]
- We're gonna lose the house.
- [cork pops]
[Rose] Shit!
[sighs]
What did you say, Odd?
What did you say?
What's that?
This is champagne for you
and apple juice for me.
[laughs]
- A result?
- Yes!
[laughing loudly] Aaah!
[both laughing]
- Aah! Oh!
- [kisses]
- You mean it, yeah? [laughs]
- Yeah!
[Odd] Oh! You mean it!
Aaah! [laughing loudly]
[Rose laughing]
[Odd] Aah! Oh, man!
THE HOME OF ODD LIVE MAMA PAPA
I have to call the Gundersen sons!
- Why?
- If we'll have a baby in nine months,
those cheap arsees have no excuse
but to pay up.
Ooh-hoo! I'm gonna teach you how to sell,
little Baby Arvid.
- [chuckling]
- No, no, not Arvid. I
We can't call it Baby Arvid.
I don't give a fuck what his name is!
Ha-ha! We're having a baby!
[Rose chuckling] Oh, God!
- [Odd sighs]
- [Rose] Oh, my God! Baby Arvid!
[Odd] Baby Arvid would have been nice.
- [laughing] Little Baby Arvid in a suit!
- [Rose] Aww!
THE HOME OF ODD LIVE MAMA PAPA
- We did it.
- [Odd] I know!
[Rose] Are you I mean, I can't wait!
[Odd] Of course!
[both laughing]
- [baby crying]
- [shushing]
[Madeleine] Live. It'll be okay.
It's okay, Live.
Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.
I'm here.
Yes, I'm here. I'm watching over you.
- [baby cooing]
- Good girl, Live.
I'm here, Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.
- I'm here.
- [baby squealing]
I'm here.
It's okay.
It's okay. Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.
Good girl.
[footsteps climbing stairs]
- [banging at door]
- [gasps] Huh?
Hello?
[knocking]
Huh.
[Odd whistling cheerfully]
[clattering]
- Good morning!
- [Live] Good morning!
Let's see
[sighs]
Oh, look!
Anyone order pancakes?
Since when did you start making pancakes?
Since I got two very good bits of news,
you know?
- Okay.
- Let's see.
- There's yours
- Thanks.
- Hmm.
- Exciting.
Tuck in.
Mmm. Is it good?
- Mmm!
- Mm-hm. Okay.
- Number one.
- Hm?
You're going to be an aunt,
and I'll be a papa.
- [chuckles]
- Odd!
- [laughing]
- Oh, that's so wonderful!
- Yeah!
- Congratulations!
Thanks a lot! It's finally happened.
[sighs] In the end.
- That's so fantastic! Finally.
- Mmm.
Number two. [laughs]
I've made more sales.
[both laugh]
Aah. Uh-huh!
- That's also good.
- Yeah.
- Amazing.
- It's almost like I don't believe it.
No, I called the Gundersen sons yesterday
- Hm?
- Managed to convince them
that they must buy a viewing.
I guess it was the paternal instinct
that kicked in.
That was probably what I needed
to become a salesman.
I guess they didn't have any other choice.
[chuckles]
I was that convincing.
- [chuckles]
- But shouldn't that coffin, um,
have been sent straight to cremation?
Yes, originally,
but, uh, now there's a viewing first.
I think it'll be nice for them as well.
They'll get to see her a last time.
I think that'll be good. Mm.
- Should I maybe help you?
- You don't have to. I've done it already.
But I'm going over there afterwards,
just to check. To be certain.
- Certain?
- Yeah, that there's nothing to tidy up or
- See if the nose is running
- Excellent. Excellent.
Yeah. Or if the eyes have slipped open.
That's not a nice thing to see. [sighs]
[chuckles]
Fuck!
[gasping]
[Odd whistling cheerfully]
[sniffs]
Uh Ah.
[clears throat]
[banging]
[priest] Mmm, pah, pah, pah
- [Odd] There you are, Karsten. All good?
- [Karsten] All good.
I'm excited for your first funeral
as manager.
It is incredibly important to me
that this funeral runs perfectly, okay?
- [Karsten] Of course. I understand.
- [clattering]
Don't worry.
Everything will be fine, I can assure you.
[Odd] I'll check on Mrs. Gundersen
one last time.
You can never be thorough enough.
[whistling]
[phone buzzing]
Hm.
Yes, this is Odd.
Yeah. No, just wait outside.
I'm coming now. Yeah.
- [keys jingling]
- [Odd sighs]
[door opens]
[crash]
[banging]
What the fuck?
[moaning]
Reinert?
[wailing]
[clattering]
[groaning]
I'm so glad that you decided upon
a viewing after all.
It's a very special way to bid farewell
for the final time.
Reinert!
[gasping]
Yeah, and you also put forward
some fun arguments.
- Uh, yeah. Thanks, or Yeah.
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Yes?
Yeah, no, I can see that, um
the door is open.
It's, um something the priest must have
forgotten when he arrived. I'll check.
- Just wait here. Two minutes.
- [Mr. Gundersen 1] Yes.
- We'll wait here, then.
- Yes.
[Odd sighs]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No!
Oh, fuck off!
Aah!
[Live gasping]
Reinert!
[Mr. Gundersen 1 sighs]
I apologise.
Huh? You apologise?
This was the funeral,
the final moment of Mama's life.
You have the cheek
to charge a huge amount for a viewing,
- and then she looks like that?
- Yeah.
If there was anything I was able to do,
obviously, I
Yes. We want our payment back.
We've decided to use
an agency in Kongsvinger.
- But, uh
- "But, uh"?
Are you going to charge us for a funeral
that didn't happen?
Be a little reasonable.
Say 50 percent? [chuckles]
Are you bartering over Mama?
- No, no. No. No.
- No?
But
No, of course
you'll get your payment back.
- Of course we're getting our payment back.
- Yeah.
And I apologise, as well.
As you should. That'll be all, then.
[tuts]
[Odd sighs heavily]
Oh, God help you.
Mama would have been proud of us, John.
- [John] You should not squander.
- You shouldn't squander.
Reinert!
[wind gusting]
[gasps] Reinert?
[panting]
Hello, it's me. Live.
- Reinert [screams]
- [grunts]
[Live yells and grunts]
- [gasps]
- [groans]
Oh, God. Reinert
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[screams and gasps]
- [coughs]
- [groans]
Reinert, I'm just going to remove the bag.
- [Reinert yells]
- Oh!
[moaning]
- [gasps]
- [groans]
Oh, shit!
- [moaning]
- I'm trying to take the bag [screams]
[panting]
[both groaning]
Reinert, I
Let me take the bag off
No!
[groans and coughs]
- [Live gasping]
- [Reinert growling]
[Reinert yells]
[groans[
[gasping]
[Live yells]
[Reinert groans]
[Live gasps and groans]
[gasping]
You have reached the voicemail
of Detective Reinert J. Tisthamar
at Skarnes sheriff's office.
Please leave me a message after the beep.
[sighs]
Marianne?
Something's not right.
[sighs]
[sighs]
[clock ticking]
[phone rings]
Skarnes sheriff's office.
You're talking with Marianne.
- Judith!
- Hmm?
Someone's found Reinert and Live.
[rustling]
So you drove to Reinert's
and discovered him lying there.
And he was naked.
Except for his head, as this covered him.
Yeah.
You don't think that's a little weird?
Uh Yeah, that's
very very weird.
Could it have been
some sort of sadomasochism?
Strangulation sex.
Bondage, or whatever.
Reinert?
Yeah.
Hm?
Pfft Mm?
Maybe you went to his place
and caught him while he was enjoying some
[sighs] Uh
[clears throat] Mm.
So he lost his cool.
Yeah. [clears throat]
And then he ran after you.
Yeah, he was not quite the same, though.
And then he decided to attack you.
Still with this bag covering his head?
Uh Yeah.
You don't have a problem with Reinert?
You don't have a grudge against him?
- No.
- Not a lovers' quarrel?
No jealousy?
No. I just tried to help a friend
who obviously is having a hard time
at the moment.
To be there.
Yes.
Hmm.
We'll just have to wait
until Reinert's awake, then.
And hear his version of this story.
We'll talk more.
Yeah, sure.
RECEPTION
[door closes]
[alarm sounds]
- [rapid bleeping]
- [Reinert moaning]
[thumping]
- [groaning]
- [bleeping slowing]
[bleeping slows further]
[faint groaning]
- [continuous bleep]
- [Live gasps]
- [door opens]
- [gasps]
[yelps]
[Live panting]
I've no idea I don't know what
He, um
just
[bleep continues]
You don't understand yet?
[bleeping resumes]
[bleeping speeds up]
- [groans]
- [Live gasps]
[screams]