Private Schulz (1981) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
France capitulates! At versailles, the Führer himself accepts the surrender from Marshal Pétain in a symbolic ceremony.
It's a fitting end to a daring campaign.
Later, the Führer is driven round the deserted streets to see the sights of Paris.
A stop off at the celebrated Eiffel Tower witnesses the raising of the new flag over this monument to steel now in German hands.
Then it's back to Berlin for a hero's welcome to continue the work of state.
But not before the Führer, with typical generosity, has signed his autograph many times.
In future years, what precious possessions these will be.
On reaching Berlin, the people's joy knows no bounds, and they show their appreciation for our army's glorious achievements in the only way they know.
Truly this is a great day for Germany and the world! Cheers.
- Quiet, please.
- Ladies and gentlemen, a toast.
To the Führer! To the German people! And to a great German victory! To the Führer! To the German people! And to a great German victory! One more toast.
To the men of SS Counter-Espionage.
And may I say that I especially do not forget those brave and unsung heroes, unknown to all except a few of us, who parachuted into enemy territory and never came back.
They are the eternal glory of the fatherland.
To the men of SS Counter-Espionage.
I'm so, so sorry.
Sorry to interrupt the Uh, the party.
Do you have a Major Neuheim? I'm Major Neuheim.
How do you do? I'm Kruger.
Gestapo.
This is yours, I believe.
Mine? How dare you come back alive? We found him about a month Uh, was it? They handed him over to us.
Thought he might be an enemy agent, but we're so busy.
A lot on.
We put him in cold storage for a while, didn't we? Nearly a month before we got round to him.
Now, was it Was it a month? It was a month, wasn't it? Hmm.
Well, finally, we questioned him, and when he'd recovered, we questioned him again.
You see, we thought he might be an English spy, but he kept telling us He kept telling us he worked for SS Counter-Espionage.
- But we didn't believe you, did we? Mmm? - No.
No, no, we didn't.
Then we thought that he might be an escaped lunatic.
There was an asylum hit by a bomb in that area, wasn't there? Mmm? And there were a lot of lunatics roaming the countryside.
Well, look at him.
Lunatic.
But it turns out that he isn't a lunatic at all.
Um, he's a member of your staff, Major.
Have you quite finished? Finished? Um, finished.
I'm so sorry about this misunderstanding.
No, really, I am.
All right? Enjoy yourselves.
If you've any more like him in the SS, I'd keep them at home, if I were you.
Um.
Well, come along! Drink up.
More champagne for everyone, Schumacher.
You come with me! Enjoy yourselves! I ought to have you shot! Good God! I'm surrounded by incompetence and copulation.
Get the hell out of here.
Colonel, sir, I'm sorry to disturb you.
We have something really rather important that we must be - Well? - I had no choice.
Shut up, you imbecile! To get caught by the Gestapo? You deserve to end up in a madhouse.
- What happened over there? - It was a fiasco.
I didn't ask for a description.
I asked what happened.
I know it was a fiasco.
Everything you touch is a fiasco.
Well, your agent in England turned out to be working for the British Secret Service.
- Melfort? - Melfort.
Pinky Melfort? I don't believe it.
I chose him personally for that job.
- Yes, I'm sure you did.
- I did.
Well, he's either always been working for the British, or the British have turned him.
They were literally waiting for me.
I could have been hanged.
Oh, stop moaning.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a moaner.
And what happened to the money in the canister? It's buried somewhere in Kent.
Ghent? Belgium! Kent.
England.
So, you accomplished nothing.
Your sole contribution to the German war effort has been to take a canister of English money secretly out of Germany and bury it secretly in Kent.
Well, I think that's a very jaundiced way of putting it, sir.
Do you know of a better way of putting it? I want a full written report on this entire operation by tomorrow morning.
In the meantime, will you get out of those clothes, and back into uniform? Where did you get that frock from anyway? A French countess, sir.
- A French countess? - Well, it belonged to her husband.
- He was a count.
- Yes, it looks like it.
I'll put it all in the report, sir.
It's a bit difficult to explain - at the moment.
- I'm sure it is.
May I ask what the Major intends to do with the operation in Barracks 19? I'm going to break it up.
What do you think? There'll be no more banknotes coming from Barracks 19, because we'll shortly have all the English money we need.
The war is over, SCHULZ.
Well, well, well! London is a sea of fire, as Göring's bombers fail to bring the defenceless population to its knees.
As soon as each wave of planes has passed, our fire-fighting men are on the scene in a desperate bid to save life, limb and property.
Though they are never enough, these gallant men turn out, night after night, to contain the flames.
And even if their efforts are all too often in vain, their selfless dedication to duty can stand as an inspiring example to us all.
Daylight comes and Londoners count the cost of their plucky defiance of the Bosh.
Westminster Abbey lies devastated, its venerable age no defence against the cowardly enemy.
Big Ben fared better, though.
He's still going, which is just as well, for, shaky hands or not, he's counting off the last hours of Hitler's mastery in the skies, as our fighter pilots take a terrible revenge on the Luftwaffe for its night- time raids.
"The Battle of Britain", they're calling it already.
And if the Huns'performance is anything to go by, it'll be a bad day for them.
And bad days have a way of turning into bad years.
Countess? Chateau? You don't seriously expect me to believe that, do you? But it's true! Threw herself at you? That's the only way of describing it.
When she saw all that money, I could have had anything.
- Anything? - Yes, anything.
The things that I could've brought back that I could've paid for.
You'd have come home with a very expensive dose of the clap.
The French aristocracy are riddled with it.
Some of us like our game a bit high, Bertha.
If only I could persuade Neuheim not to close down those barracks.
Oh, it wouldn't do you any good.
Nothing does you any good in the end.
- Why do you say that? - Because it's the truth.
You don't think much of me, do you? Have you got any idea what I've achieved? Well, as far as I can see, you've achieved very little.
I've achieved everything.
Everything.
I created the greatest counterfeiting organisation the world has ever seen.
Well, that's just what I mean.
And nobody knew anything about it.
No one was supposed to know anything about it.
It was secret.
I created an English five-pound note acceptable anywhere, even to the Bank of England.
And that fool Neuheim threw the whole thing away.
The money could be rolling off the presses right now.
Only this time, I'd make sure I got my share.
No, not you.
There's something about you, Gerhard.
I don't know what it is, but What do you mean, something about me? Be precise.
You're a loser.
Oh, you're brilliant in some ways, and you're certainly wasted as Neuheim's clerk, but you're flawed.
- Flawed? - You're accident-prone.
It's as if you were born with a stumble.
- Born with a stumble? - An inbuilt stumble that always hits you just as you're about to cross the finishing line.
You're a born last-minute stumbler, Gerhard, and I don't know what you do about that.
And what are you? A winner? What have you ever won, lying in this bed all day? When this war is over, I shall be very comfortably off.
"Comfortably off.
" You probably have just about enough to buy yourself a sweet shop if you're lucky.
Oh, I don't know why I bother talking to you.
Your mind's too small to grasp what I'm trying to say.
Oh, well, what are you trying to say? I'm saying, Bertha, that I saw the future.
My future.
I saw how life could be, and I'm not gonna settle for anything less.
In a French chateau? You sneer all you like.
I had £50,OOO, and I could have bought anything.
I could've bought you, Bertha, from the tip of your toes to your bleached head.
I could've owned you, body and soul, all with a suitcase full of fake fivers.
Not everything has a price! Money buys everything.
People, information, goods, services, loyalty.
It buys Now what have you thought of? Let me get this straight.
You're suggesting that those foreigners who are secretly spying for us in their own country should be paid in forged English five-pound notes? Yes, sir.
You are suggesting that we should reward those brave friends of Germany, who daily risk their lives to provide us with vital information, that we reward them with counterfeit money? It's very good counterfeit.
It's the most immoral proposal I've ever heard.
- Yes, sir.
- It's utterly dishonourable.
Yes, Major.
And yet, there's a devilish irony in it.
Irony, sir? In England paying for the services of Germany's agents abroad.
And when you think of it, in paying those foreign swine who insist on English currency in forged English five-pound notes! Exactly.
It serves them right for having such little faith in the German mark.
Exactly! It's rough justice! Very rough, sir.
Also, we could buy up valuables in the occupied countries.
Jewellery, works of art.
Jewellery, works of art.
And it would cost Germany nothing.
No.
No.
Because England would be paying for them.
Sit down, SCHULZ.
Let me get you a drink! Do you know, this could revolutionise the entire concept of war finance.
It could become possible to fight a war entirely at the expense of the enemy.
Something wrong, Major? You don't suppose the British are already doing it, do you? Oh, I doubt it.
They would never think of it.
No.
No.
I like it.
We'll have to go into mass production, of course.
We'll need to produce millions and millions of banknotes without loss of quality.
- Millions, sir.
- We'll buy up Europe! We'll set up a distribution centre somewhere to coordinate all the activities and find a brilliant financial brain to run it.
And not only brilliant, but completely honest.
The opportunities for corruption will be enormous.
Do you realise that the man who runs this operation could make himself a millionaire overnight? May I make a suggestion, Major? And under those circumstances, no one should be exposed to that temptation but myself.
- Exactly.
- I'll put it straight to the Führer, but I'm sure he'll agree, provided the whole thing is kept secret from the Ministry of Economics.
Schumacher, come in here.
Schumacher's been looking after Barracks 19 while you've been away.
Schumacher, get down to Barracks 19 and tell that team of crooks and swindlers that if they thought I was winding up the operation, they were wrong! We are going to double production.
Yes, sir! It's a splendid idea, SCHULZ.
I wonder why I never thought of it before? It will need great secrecy, SCHULZ, the right hand must never know what the left hand is doing.
I should've guessed what he meant.
Within weeks, he'd requisitioned a castle in the mountains, miles from anywhere.
This was to be his headquarters.
But even better than that, he was only responsible to Hitler himself.
It was, he said, "one of the Reich's top priorities".
Where's the Commandant? He's supposed to be here to meet me.
He sent me to show you up, sir.
Did he? Very well, then, lead the way.
Yes, sir.
That was months ago.
And that's a long time in the Army.
Time enough, anyway, for me to have lost my position of trust in Barracks 19.
Schumacher, blue- eyed boy that he was, was in charge, leaving me further away from the money than ever.
It was agonising.
You know, I never tire of watching those notes come off that machine.
It's the most fascinating sight I think I've ever seen.
Schmidt? You ready? - Coming.
- Well, come on, then! Gruber, on the other hand, is the least fascinating sight I think I've seen.
Sign the book.
Is that your new guard? Why didn't you bring him in for coffee? I think he's got friends here he talks to.
Thanks for the coffee, Gerhard.
I'll see you next month.
You know, I've been coming here once a month for the last eight months.
Every time you hand me this case, you get the same look on your face.
What look is that? Like you're handing over your life's work.
- Don't run off with it, will you? - You're joking.
With Gruber sitting beside me? Listen, Walter, this is a purely hypothetical question, but say he wasn't.
- Wasn't? - Sitting beside you.
Then there'd be somebody else.
It's not so easy when there are two of you and they keep changing you about.
Come in here.
Say that somebody was me.
I mean, if Gruber got sick up here, I'd have to go in his place.
It nearly happened once before.
Say that was me, sitting beside you in the car.
You mean hypothetically? Absolutely.
Let me ask you a hypothetical question.
Go on.
Why should Gruber fall sick here when he's as strong as an ox? Because a teaspoonful of copper sulphate could fell an ox.
Hypothetically.
Oh, come on, Walter.
They're all making a fortune up at that castle, you know that.
Everybody at the distribution centre's getting rich, but not you and not me.
There's over £2 million in that suitcase, acceptable anywhere in Europe for what they are.
Genuine five-pound notes.
A man could buy himself into any country in the world with what's in that case.
What about travel documents, passports, visas? Solly can make the best travel documents you've ever seen.
All he needs is your photograph.
We do it all the time up here.
We've got a special unit.
Are you sure you'd be chosen to take his place? Certain.
All you've gotta do is get him inside the barracks for a cup of coffee next time you come up.
Leave the rest to me.
Won't he taste it? - No.
- Copper sulphate, I mean.
No, I'll put plenty of sugar in it.
- Where would you go? - Anywhere.
Switzerland.
Okay.
Start it rolling.
You took your time.
I'll see you in a month! Even the freezing snows of Russia do not provide refuge for the great enemy, Bolshevism.
And never before in this conflict has the German military spirit been more cruelly tested than in the sub- zero temperatures of the eastern front.
Progress is often slow.
And our seasoned battle troops have to ignore the terrible conditions as they push deeper and deeper into the heart of the evil Stalin's empire.
It's an environment that tests men and machines to the limit.
But thanks to special equipment and lubricating oils, the exhausted Soviet forces are thrust daily further back on their last line of defence.
The occupation of Kiev is imminent, and the road to Moscow is opened.
German tanks have pierced the Stalin line at all decisive points.
Heavy fighting is taking place all around the city of Leningrad.
Complete German victory is now assured.
Careful.
The ink's not absolutely dry on yours.
They're beautiful, Solly.
Well, I hope you make it.
Listen, you should be coming with us.
We could work it.
We could smuggle you out.
No.
If you're caught, you go to jail, but if I'm caught Isn't that going to happen anyway? Look, you know what maniacs they are in here.
If they win the war, they'll have no more use for you.
And if they lose, they'll do it out of spite.
- Probably.
- Well, why not, then? Because I give less for your chances going than I do for mine staying.
If I'm going to die, I'd like to feel that the least possible blame attaches to me.
Well, if I get to Geneva, I'll open an account for you.
That's all I want.
If I ever do get out of this mess, I'd like to know I got somewhere to go in my old age.
If I don't, well, I shan't need much where I'm going.
Why don't you come in? I'll wait here.
Oh, come on, Gruber, stretch your legs a bit.
You haven't seen the printing press, have you? It's fascinating.
I said, I'll wait here.
AU 67543 to 68542.
- Cz 45682 - Excuse me a minute, Corporal.
Take over, Becker.
Cz Your consignment's nearly ready.
Did you have a good trip down? Where's Gruber? He's outside.
Well, bring him in.
The coffee's ready.
He won't come in.
Perhaps you'd better forget it.
We can't.
All the travel documents are ready.
Listen, tell him you've both gotta sign for the money.
Well, tell him anything, but get him in here.
And Walter, bring him down the end.
The coffee's there.
Schmidt and Gruber have arrived, Corporal.
They'll be back in a minute.
Gruber! We've both gotta sign for the money.
It's a new rule.
Hello, Gruber, it's nice to see you.
Did you have a good trip down? It was all right.
Where's this book I've got to sign? In the dispatch room.
Hey, there's plenty of time.
Relax.
Have a cup of coffee.
Go on.
It's real coffee, not ersatz.
I don't like real coffee.
Well, what do you mean you don't like real coffee? Everybody likes real coffee.
Well, I don't.
I like ersatz coffee.
Now, where's this book I've gotta sign? Let's get the cash and get out of here.
Hey, don't drink that.
That's Gerhard's.
I'm just pouring yours.
Oh.
I'm signing the book.
Why? What do you mean why? Schmidt signs the book, not you.
Schmidt? - I'll sign the book.
- Did you hear what he said? - No.
- I'll see you outside.
Your coffee's getting cold.
How was I to know he didn't like real coffee? Look, everybody likes real coffee.
Forget it, Gerhard, luck just doesn't run your way.
I must have been mad to think you could bring this off.
- Which is mine? - That one.
Look, let's try again.
What are you trying to do to me? Look, you've made Gruber suspicious now.
I've got a nice, safe little number picking up cash and delivering it to the castle.
And I get well-paid and nobody shoots me.
I must have been insane listening to you.
I should get rid of that before some idiot drinks it.
Oh, no, it can't be.
Poor Schmidt, eh? Yeah.
Don't understand it.
So sudden to be taken ill like that.
What do you think it was? Burst appendix, apparently.
Just shows you.
You never know.
Could've been me, could've been you.
No, I've had mine out.
Could've been you, though.
Hello, Gruber.
Where's Schmidt? He was taken ill at the barracks.
- So you have the money.
- Yes.
Come along.
I'll take you to Major Neuheim.
How many rounds of ammunition? Good God.
Yes.
Grenades? Just a minute.
Come! I'm sorry, Major.
It's the messenger from Barracks 19.
Well, bring him in.
Yes, well, I'll send someone down to negotiate with them.
How much are they asking? One million, is that all? Well, of course we've got that much here.
That's a mere bagatelle.
What? I'm very well, thank you.
Whereabouts are they located? Djevo? Yes, of course I know where Djevo is.
It's somewhere between Kraków and the Adriatic.
Well, our courier will be with you in 48 hours.
Yes.
Goodbye.
- You're very late.
- Yes, I'm sorry, sir.
- It was Schmidt.
- Yes, they telephoned me from the barracks and told me Schmidt had collapsed.
- What's wrong with him? - Burst appendix, apparently.
Can it be repaired? - Um, it'll take some time, sir.
- I see.
How much did you bring? - Two and a half million.
- Mmm.
Ow! Are those notes top quality? - First grade, Major.
- Good.
You've You've never been up here before, have you? No, sir.
You seem to have everything very well organised.
Yes, I have, I have.
You know, that little inspiration of mine was the best day's work I ever did.
It's amazing the things that are for sale in Europe at the moment.
Look at that.
I bet you don't know what that is.
- That's a Canaletto, sir.
- That's a Can How did you know that? Well, it's the style.
It's unmistakable.
- Is it genuine? - Of course it's genuine.
You don't suppose I'd buy a fake, do you? Look at the style, it's unmistakable.
Must have cost you a fortune, Major.
No, no, no.
Not really.
£10,OOO.
I'd say that was a bargain.
Wouldn't you? Absolutely.
Especially since we make the money ourselves.
You have no finesse, SCHULZ.
How are things at the barracks? Well, it's coming on very well, sir.
We got the old press working 24 hours a day.
We're making over a half a million notes a week, cut and dried, half of those top quality.
Excellent.
SCHULZ, you qualified for SS Counter-Espionage because of your knowledge of languages, didn't you? Sir? I don't suppose you know a smattering of Serbo-Croat, do you? Well, I used to live in Yugoslavia when I was boy, just for a short while, sir.
I always said there was a touch of the Slav in you, SCHULZ.
There certainly is not.
Yes.
Well, - how would you like a trip out? - Out? Out.
To Yugoslavia.
Well, I do have some leave due for me, sir.
Yes.
Well, I need someone to take a million pounds into Yugoslavia, to buy up some arms and organise the shipment back here.
- Did you say a million pounds, sir? - That's all.
It's quite simple.
There's a group of partisans at a place called Djevo.
Now, Djevo is, um Here.
The British have been parachuting arms and ammunition into the area.
But the partisans don't want them any more.
In fact, they've packed up and gone home.
But the British still keep dropping them supplies.
Ah, well, that's typical of the Anglo-Saxon mind, sir.
If you cancel a magazine, they keep delivering it weeks afterwards.
Really? That's amazing.
Well, anyway, this group of partisans has now built up such an arsenal of unwanted armaments, they've offered them to us.
Germany needs arms.
The only courier I've got who speaks Serbo-Croat has gone down with laryngitis.
Well, I'd consider it an honour and a privilege, sir, to go on such an important mission.
Excellent.
Gruber will accompany you.
You'll leave for Yugoslavia first thing in the morning.
I'll have all the papers ready by then.
In the meantime, get yourself a bed and a meal.
You'll find the food here is excellent.
I should take advantage of it if I were you.
I will, sir.
I choose the menu myself.
I can't stand this place.
Nothing to do but drink and sleep.
And the food's terrible.
I thought it might be.
Well, it's a change for me, Gruber.
Well, you can keep it.
Look at them, bored out of their minds.
Nothing better to do than get drunk all night.
A disgrace to the German army.
Oh, I don't know.
It looks as if it's got its compensations.
It's all new to you, SCHULZ, isn't it? You'll learn.
I'll see you in the morning.
Oh! Oh, I beg your pardon.
Excuse me, Fräulein, would you care to join me? - May I? - Oh, yes, please.
Be my guest.
Thank you.
Uh, Private Gerhard SCHULZ at your service.
How polite you are.
Gertrude Steiner.
Frau Gertrude Steiner.
Well, what a wonderful time you must all have up here.
Sometimes.
But it's pretty boring mostly.
Same old faces, you know.
Like those.
Well, you should be where I've just come from.
This is a different world.
I didn't think it would take you long.
I want these typed by tomorrow morning, Frau Steiner.
Most urgent.
- Yes, Major.
- And, SCHULZ, Frau Steiner is is a respectable war widow.
This isn't the Salon Kitty, so control your animalistic impulses.
Well, I am sorry, Herr SCHULZ, but I really will have to go.
The major is most particular about his orders.
But I can, um I can give you a hand with those later on.
Thank you, but you wouldn't know the way he likes things done.
But I would.
- You would? - Yes, you see, up until six months ago, I was Major Neuheim's clerk.
- I don't believe it.
- Yeah, it's true.
- Let me get you another drink.
- Well, what a coincidence.
So you know the major well.
Oh, yes, I know the major.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say I know a lot more about him than he would like.
What will you have? A Dubonnet.
Excuse me, a Dubonnet and a schnapps, please.
I mean, take all this, for example.
Oh, yes, it's a brilliant idea.
Major Neuheim told me it came to him in a flash while he was having tea with the Führer.
Oh, did he? Well, it wasn't entirely his own idea.
I mean, he did have help.
- You mean you? - Yes.
Well, I had a hand in it.
On the imaginative side.
Excuse me.
Oh, um, keep the change.
Thank you.
I wouldn't say it was entirely my own idea, but Well, I needn't be modest.
This whole thing wouldn't have happened without me.
But you're still a private.
Well, in this life, Frau Steiner, talent is rarely rewarded, especially in wartime.
You mean to say, all this, and never even a word of thanks? Well, that's the way it goes.
I think that's terrible.
Well, you know the Major.
Tell me, does he still need everything in quadruplicate? Only this morning he was complaining because he couldn't find something - in the files.
- That's because he can't be bothered to learn how it's organised.
He used to drive me insane.
Always putting things in the wrong place and then blaming me.
And if anything went right, he'd take the credit.
He hasn't changed.
So, you're a widow, Frau Steiner? Oh, please.
Gertrude.
Gertrude.
Frau Steiner is so formal.
Gertrude.
Yes, he was a pilot, killed in the first year of the war.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Oh, well, it's all in the past now.
So, now you're here.
Handling the mad Major.
Well, it could be worse.
It's the evenings that are the problem.
That's about the best this place can offer for company.
Where would you like to be, if you had the choice? Oh, I don't know.
Anywhere.
I've had enough of the war.
You've had enough of the war? - Does that shock you? - No, not at all.
It's just that Well, ever since my husband was killed, anything to do with the war frightens me.
- I'm sorry.
- No, well, don't apologise.
That's how I feel exactly.
As it happens, Neuheim's sending me off to Yugoslavia for a couple of days, - so I shall be out of it.
- Yugoslavia? Where? That's supposed to be secret.
Trieste.
You must be going through Trieste.
- I suppose so.
- Oh, what a wonderful place.
If only I were going.
We'll only be passing through.
Oh, just imagine.
You could drop me off there and pick me up later.
- I could? - Three whole days to enjoy myself.
How would you get out of this place? Oh, I've got a few days' leave coming.
I can take them at any time.
But it's quite against the rules to give people lifts.
I shouldn't even suggest it.
And you know the Major and what he'd be like if he'd found out.
- He'd have you shot.
- Oh, I doubt it.
I mean, when you've known the Major as long as I have, you can always get round him.
He's no problem.
No, I suppose he wouldn't be.
You are obviously a most remarkable man.
I'm really glad we met.
But I must get this typing done.
- No time for dreams.
- Remember what I said.
- There's so much of it.
- Well, let me have a look.
Well, let me get you another drink while you're looking at it.
- Oh, no, let me.
- No, please, I insist.
- Same again? - Uh, yes.
I'm so glad you came.
I never get to see my friends.
And to be frank, the people here are rather boring and terribly unsophisticated.
The men especially.
They only think of one thing.
Drinking? Oh, you're like a breath of fresh air.
One could talk to you about so many things.
Books, for example.
Music.
Theatre.
I'll bet you're even interested in grand opera.
I am, as a matter of fact.
There you are.
You see? One can tell.
Only, I can't stand Wagner.
Not that you're not interested in other things as well.
- I can see that.
- Oh, yes.
Definitely.
But like me, you think there are so many more important things in life.
Oh, yes.
We're so alike, Gerhard.
You see, I think there are people with sentiment and people without.
I think we're people with sentiment, don't you? Oh, yes.
You don't often meet them.
Oh, no.
Would you really like to go to Trieste? I can't think of anything better.
- Unless it was - What? - No, I shouldn't say that.
- No, go on.
- No.
- You were gonna say, "Unless it was out of the war for good.
" - Shh.
- No, it's all right.
You can say that to me.
You see, I may not come back from Yugoslavia.
But where would you go? Anywhere.
Anywhere out of the war.
But that takes money.
I mean, three days in Trieste, but how could you afford to stay away for good? What would you think if I said money's no problem? I'd think you were trying to get a respectable woman into trouble.
Really.
- Really? - Yes, really.
Cross my heart.
I mean, it's no worse than Neuheim's art collection, is it? Why shouldn't we? - But where? - Switzerland.
Oh, if only it were possible.
Just imagine it.
Switzerland.
Out of the war for good.
It is possible.
Except there's one problem.
- What? - Well, Gruber.
You know, that lout I came in with.
Oh, Gruber, yes.
Well, he'd never let us get away with it.
He's the last-ditch type.
You know the sort.
He's fanatical.
- I wonder if I - What? I don't know if it would work, but - Go on.
- Supposing I told him we were going to Trieste, and that you were going to drop me off there, and on the way back, I could promise him a good time.
You know.
- You mean - Mmm-hmm.
Wouldn't you mind? But we wouldn't be going back to Trieste, would we? - Oh, no.
- Do you think it would work? Oh, yes.
We could dump him in the mountains.
On the way to Switzerland.
So it would take him a long time to walk back.
Oh! Poor Gruber.
Hey, you're wonderful! So are you.
What do you think? Shall we leave this mad world behind and risk everything? Why not? - Oh, Gerhard.
- Oh, Gertrude.
Frau Steiner, didn't I say those papers were urgent? Yes, Major, I was just going.
And secret, for God's sake! OO tomorrow morning on my desk, - Frau Steiner.
- Yes, Major.
- Not a minute later.
- You will bear in mind what I said, Frau Steiner? How could I forget, Herr SCHULZ? And thank you for your very pleasant company.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Until we meet again.
Frau Steiner, you will take my painting with you.
I'm reliably informed it's a Veronese.
You will find somewhere suitable to hang it.
Yes, Major.
Follow me.
- I should have known.
An animal jailbird like you.
The moment you set eyes on a woman all you think about is copulation.
I assure you, Major, there was nothing further from my mind.
Well, you won't get the chance because she'll be typing all night.
And you're off to Yugoslavia in the morning.
And good riddance to you.
Well, if it won't go through the door, chop a bit off it.
I said I'd meet her about here.
I must say, it's very good of you, Gruber.
Letting me give her a lift, I mean.
- Think nothing of it.
- No, I mean it.
I know it's against the rules.
Very decent of you.
There she is.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Allow me.
Cigarette? Light? What's going on? You're not, for one.
Out.
Out! But I thought we were gonna dump him.
No, we're going to dump you.
We've been planning this for ages, just waiting for the right moment.
I could never get Schmidt to fall for it.
Out! - Out where? - Just out.
- I'll take that.
- Oh, come on, Gruber.
It's my money.
I made it.
Start walking.
Go on.
Well, then, Gruber stopped the car and pulled a gun on me.
He forced me out of the car and took the key to the handcuffs and then he drove off.
I had to walk for nearly eight hours before I found a house.
And Ooh.
Where do you suppose Gruber is now? I don't know, Major.
Probably slipped across the border to Switzerland.
Dropped out of sight.
- You think so? - I don't know, sir, but I sincerely hope he gets caught.
He deserves to be shot.
He has been caught.
And he has been shot.
He's been caught? Shot? Not by us, alas.
He was caught speeding by the Italian police.
And would you believe it? Elected to shoot it out.
He lost the election.
One thing you forgot to mention in your little saga was that my secretary, Frau Steiner, was in the car with him! Quite hysterical by this time and tearing her fingernails out in handfuls.
She confessed.
Everything.
- Everything? - Everything! You are a totally corrupt human being! Shifty, slimy, slinky and sly.
All you've ever thought about is lining your own pockets and by God, you'll pay for it! Guard.
Guard! You take this man to the guardroom.
He's under arrest.
I shall take a great personal interest in your court-martial, SCHULZ.
You fell from the very high standards of personal conduct set everywhere by the SS and abused a position of trust.
While all around you worked selflessly for nation, party and Führer, you thought only of personal gain.
I have no hesitation in sentencing you to three years in a labour camp, where some effort will be made in the direction of your political regeneration.
It's a fitting end to a daring campaign.
Later, the Führer is driven round the deserted streets to see the sights of Paris.
A stop off at the celebrated Eiffel Tower witnesses the raising of the new flag over this monument to steel now in German hands.
Then it's back to Berlin for a hero's welcome to continue the work of state.
But not before the Führer, with typical generosity, has signed his autograph many times.
In future years, what precious possessions these will be.
On reaching Berlin, the people's joy knows no bounds, and they show their appreciation for our army's glorious achievements in the only way they know.
Truly this is a great day for Germany and the world! Cheers.
- Quiet, please.
- Ladies and gentlemen, a toast.
To the Führer! To the German people! And to a great German victory! To the Führer! To the German people! And to a great German victory! One more toast.
To the men of SS Counter-Espionage.
And may I say that I especially do not forget those brave and unsung heroes, unknown to all except a few of us, who parachuted into enemy territory and never came back.
They are the eternal glory of the fatherland.
To the men of SS Counter-Espionage.
I'm so, so sorry.
Sorry to interrupt the Uh, the party.
Do you have a Major Neuheim? I'm Major Neuheim.
How do you do? I'm Kruger.
Gestapo.
This is yours, I believe.
Mine? How dare you come back alive? We found him about a month Uh, was it? They handed him over to us.
Thought he might be an enemy agent, but we're so busy.
A lot on.
We put him in cold storage for a while, didn't we? Nearly a month before we got round to him.
Now, was it Was it a month? It was a month, wasn't it? Hmm.
Well, finally, we questioned him, and when he'd recovered, we questioned him again.
You see, we thought he might be an English spy, but he kept telling us He kept telling us he worked for SS Counter-Espionage.
- But we didn't believe you, did we? Mmm? - No.
No, no, we didn't.
Then we thought that he might be an escaped lunatic.
There was an asylum hit by a bomb in that area, wasn't there? Mmm? And there were a lot of lunatics roaming the countryside.
Well, look at him.
Lunatic.
But it turns out that he isn't a lunatic at all.
Um, he's a member of your staff, Major.
Have you quite finished? Finished? Um, finished.
I'm so sorry about this misunderstanding.
No, really, I am.
All right? Enjoy yourselves.
If you've any more like him in the SS, I'd keep them at home, if I were you.
Um.
Well, come along! Drink up.
More champagne for everyone, Schumacher.
You come with me! Enjoy yourselves! I ought to have you shot! Good God! I'm surrounded by incompetence and copulation.
Get the hell out of here.
Colonel, sir, I'm sorry to disturb you.
We have something really rather important that we must be - Well? - I had no choice.
Shut up, you imbecile! To get caught by the Gestapo? You deserve to end up in a madhouse.
- What happened over there? - It was a fiasco.
I didn't ask for a description.
I asked what happened.
I know it was a fiasco.
Everything you touch is a fiasco.
Well, your agent in England turned out to be working for the British Secret Service.
- Melfort? - Melfort.
Pinky Melfort? I don't believe it.
I chose him personally for that job.
- Yes, I'm sure you did.
- I did.
Well, he's either always been working for the British, or the British have turned him.
They were literally waiting for me.
I could have been hanged.
Oh, stop moaning.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a moaner.
And what happened to the money in the canister? It's buried somewhere in Kent.
Ghent? Belgium! Kent.
England.
So, you accomplished nothing.
Your sole contribution to the German war effort has been to take a canister of English money secretly out of Germany and bury it secretly in Kent.
Well, I think that's a very jaundiced way of putting it, sir.
Do you know of a better way of putting it? I want a full written report on this entire operation by tomorrow morning.
In the meantime, will you get out of those clothes, and back into uniform? Where did you get that frock from anyway? A French countess, sir.
- A French countess? - Well, it belonged to her husband.
- He was a count.
- Yes, it looks like it.
I'll put it all in the report, sir.
It's a bit difficult to explain - at the moment.
- I'm sure it is.
May I ask what the Major intends to do with the operation in Barracks 19? I'm going to break it up.
What do you think? There'll be no more banknotes coming from Barracks 19, because we'll shortly have all the English money we need.
The war is over, SCHULZ.
Well, well, well! London is a sea of fire, as Göring's bombers fail to bring the defenceless population to its knees.
As soon as each wave of planes has passed, our fire-fighting men are on the scene in a desperate bid to save life, limb and property.
Though they are never enough, these gallant men turn out, night after night, to contain the flames.
And even if their efforts are all too often in vain, their selfless dedication to duty can stand as an inspiring example to us all.
Daylight comes and Londoners count the cost of their plucky defiance of the Bosh.
Westminster Abbey lies devastated, its venerable age no defence against the cowardly enemy.
Big Ben fared better, though.
He's still going, which is just as well, for, shaky hands or not, he's counting off the last hours of Hitler's mastery in the skies, as our fighter pilots take a terrible revenge on the Luftwaffe for its night- time raids.
"The Battle of Britain", they're calling it already.
And if the Huns'performance is anything to go by, it'll be a bad day for them.
And bad days have a way of turning into bad years.
Countess? Chateau? You don't seriously expect me to believe that, do you? But it's true! Threw herself at you? That's the only way of describing it.
When she saw all that money, I could have had anything.
- Anything? - Yes, anything.
The things that I could've brought back that I could've paid for.
You'd have come home with a very expensive dose of the clap.
The French aristocracy are riddled with it.
Some of us like our game a bit high, Bertha.
If only I could persuade Neuheim not to close down those barracks.
Oh, it wouldn't do you any good.
Nothing does you any good in the end.
- Why do you say that? - Because it's the truth.
You don't think much of me, do you? Have you got any idea what I've achieved? Well, as far as I can see, you've achieved very little.
I've achieved everything.
Everything.
I created the greatest counterfeiting organisation the world has ever seen.
Well, that's just what I mean.
And nobody knew anything about it.
No one was supposed to know anything about it.
It was secret.
I created an English five-pound note acceptable anywhere, even to the Bank of England.
And that fool Neuheim threw the whole thing away.
The money could be rolling off the presses right now.
Only this time, I'd make sure I got my share.
No, not you.
There's something about you, Gerhard.
I don't know what it is, but What do you mean, something about me? Be precise.
You're a loser.
Oh, you're brilliant in some ways, and you're certainly wasted as Neuheim's clerk, but you're flawed.
- Flawed? - You're accident-prone.
It's as if you were born with a stumble.
- Born with a stumble? - An inbuilt stumble that always hits you just as you're about to cross the finishing line.
You're a born last-minute stumbler, Gerhard, and I don't know what you do about that.
And what are you? A winner? What have you ever won, lying in this bed all day? When this war is over, I shall be very comfortably off.
"Comfortably off.
" You probably have just about enough to buy yourself a sweet shop if you're lucky.
Oh, I don't know why I bother talking to you.
Your mind's too small to grasp what I'm trying to say.
Oh, well, what are you trying to say? I'm saying, Bertha, that I saw the future.
My future.
I saw how life could be, and I'm not gonna settle for anything less.
In a French chateau? You sneer all you like.
I had £50,OOO, and I could have bought anything.
I could've bought you, Bertha, from the tip of your toes to your bleached head.
I could've owned you, body and soul, all with a suitcase full of fake fivers.
Not everything has a price! Money buys everything.
People, information, goods, services, loyalty.
It buys Now what have you thought of? Let me get this straight.
You're suggesting that those foreigners who are secretly spying for us in their own country should be paid in forged English five-pound notes? Yes, sir.
You are suggesting that we should reward those brave friends of Germany, who daily risk their lives to provide us with vital information, that we reward them with counterfeit money? It's very good counterfeit.
It's the most immoral proposal I've ever heard.
- Yes, sir.
- It's utterly dishonourable.
Yes, Major.
And yet, there's a devilish irony in it.
Irony, sir? In England paying for the services of Germany's agents abroad.
And when you think of it, in paying those foreign swine who insist on English currency in forged English five-pound notes! Exactly.
It serves them right for having such little faith in the German mark.
Exactly! It's rough justice! Very rough, sir.
Also, we could buy up valuables in the occupied countries.
Jewellery, works of art.
Jewellery, works of art.
And it would cost Germany nothing.
No.
No.
Because England would be paying for them.
Sit down, SCHULZ.
Let me get you a drink! Do you know, this could revolutionise the entire concept of war finance.
It could become possible to fight a war entirely at the expense of the enemy.
Something wrong, Major? You don't suppose the British are already doing it, do you? Oh, I doubt it.
They would never think of it.
No.
No.
I like it.
We'll have to go into mass production, of course.
We'll need to produce millions and millions of banknotes without loss of quality.
- Millions, sir.
- We'll buy up Europe! We'll set up a distribution centre somewhere to coordinate all the activities and find a brilliant financial brain to run it.
And not only brilliant, but completely honest.
The opportunities for corruption will be enormous.
Do you realise that the man who runs this operation could make himself a millionaire overnight? May I make a suggestion, Major? And under those circumstances, no one should be exposed to that temptation but myself.
- Exactly.
- I'll put it straight to the Führer, but I'm sure he'll agree, provided the whole thing is kept secret from the Ministry of Economics.
Schumacher, come in here.
Schumacher's been looking after Barracks 19 while you've been away.
Schumacher, get down to Barracks 19 and tell that team of crooks and swindlers that if they thought I was winding up the operation, they were wrong! We are going to double production.
Yes, sir! It's a splendid idea, SCHULZ.
I wonder why I never thought of it before? It will need great secrecy, SCHULZ, the right hand must never know what the left hand is doing.
I should've guessed what he meant.
Within weeks, he'd requisitioned a castle in the mountains, miles from anywhere.
This was to be his headquarters.
But even better than that, he was only responsible to Hitler himself.
It was, he said, "one of the Reich's top priorities".
Where's the Commandant? He's supposed to be here to meet me.
He sent me to show you up, sir.
Did he? Very well, then, lead the way.
Yes, sir.
That was months ago.
And that's a long time in the Army.
Time enough, anyway, for me to have lost my position of trust in Barracks 19.
Schumacher, blue- eyed boy that he was, was in charge, leaving me further away from the money than ever.
It was agonising.
You know, I never tire of watching those notes come off that machine.
It's the most fascinating sight I think I've ever seen.
Schmidt? You ready? - Coming.
- Well, come on, then! Gruber, on the other hand, is the least fascinating sight I think I've seen.
Sign the book.
Is that your new guard? Why didn't you bring him in for coffee? I think he's got friends here he talks to.
Thanks for the coffee, Gerhard.
I'll see you next month.
You know, I've been coming here once a month for the last eight months.
Every time you hand me this case, you get the same look on your face.
What look is that? Like you're handing over your life's work.
- Don't run off with it, will you? - You're joking.
With Gruber sitting beside me? Listen, Walter, this is a purely hypothetical question, but say he wasn't.
- Wasn't? - Sitting beside you.
Then there'd be somebody else.
It's not so easy when there are two of you and they keep changing you about.
Come in here.
Say that somebody was me.
I mean, if Gruber got sick up here, I'd have to go in his place.
It nearly happened once before.
Say that was me, sitting beside you in the car.
You mean hypothetically? Absolutely.
Let me ask you a hypothetical question.
Go on.
Why should Gruber fall sick here when he's as strong as an ox? Because a teaspoonful of copper sulphate could fell an ox.
Hypothetically.
Oh, come on, Walter.
They're all making a fortune up at that castle, you know that.
Everybody at the distribution centre's getting rich, but not you and not me.
There's over £2 million in that suitcase, acceptable anywhere in Europe for what they are.
Genuine five-pound notes.
A man could buy himself into any country in the world with what's in that case.
What about travel documents, passports, visas? Solly can make the best travel documents you've ever seen.
All he needs is your photograph.
We do it all the time up here.
We've got a special unit.
Are you sure you'd be chosen to take his place? Certain.
All you've gotta do is get him inside the barracks for a cup of coffee next time you come up.
Leave the rest to me.
Won't he taste it? - No.
- Copper sulphate, I mean.
No, I'll put plenty of sugar in it.
- Where would you go? - Anywhere.
Switzerland.
Okay.
Start it rolling.
You took your time.
I'll see you in a month! Even the freezing snows of Russia do not provide refuge for the great enemy, Bolshevism.
And never before in this conflict has the German military spirit been more cruelly tested than in the sub- zero temperatures of the eastern front.
Progress is often slow.
And our seasoned battle troops have to ignore the terrible conditions as they push deeper and deeper into the heart of the evil Stalin's empire.
It's an environment that tests men and machines to the limit.
But thanks to special equipment and lubricating oils, the exhausted Soviet forces are thrust daily further back on their last line of defence.
The occupation of Kiev is imminent, and the road to Moscow is opened.
German tanks have pierced the Stalin line at all decisive points.
Heavy fighting is taking place all around the city of Leningrad.
Complete German victory is now assured.
Careful.
The ink's not absolutely dry on yours.
They're beautiful, Solly.
Well, I hope you make it.
Listen, you should be coming with us.
We could work it.
We could smuggle you out.
No.
If you're caught, you go to jail, but if I'm caught Isn't that going to happen anyway? Look, you know what maniacs they are in here.
If they win the war, they'll have no more use for you.
And if they lose, they'll do it out of spite.
- Probably.
- Well, why not, then? Because I give less for your chances going than I do for mine staying.
If I'm going to die, I'd like to feel that the least possible blame attaches to me.
Well, if I get to Geneva, I'll open an account for you.
That's all I want.
If I ever do get out of this mess, I'd like to know I got somewhere to go in my old age.
If I don't, well, I shan't need much where I'm going.
Why don't you come in? I'll wait here.
Oh, come on, Gruber, stretch your legs a bit.
You haven't seen the printing press, have you? It's fascinating.
I said, I'll wait here.
AU 67543 to 68542.
- Cz 45682 - Excuse me a minute, Corporal.
Take over, Becker.
Cz Your consignment's nearly ready.
Did you have a good trip down? Where's Gruber? He's outside.
Well, bring him in.
The coffee's ready.
He won't come in.
Perhaps you'd better forget it.
We can't.
All the travel documents are ready.
Listen, tell him you've both gotta sign for the money.
Well, tell him anything, but get him in here.
And Walter, bring him down the end.
The coffee's there.
Schmidt and Gruber have arrived, Corporal.
They'll be back in a minute.
Gruber! We've both gotta sign for the money.
It's a new rule.
Hello, Gruber, it's nice to see you.
Did you have a good trip down? It was all right.
Where's this book I've got to sign? In the dispatch room.
Hey, there's plenty of time.
Relax.
Have a cup of coffee.
Go on.
It's real coffee, not ersatz.
I don't like real coffee.
Well, what do you mean you don't like real coffee? Everybody likes real coffee.
Well, I don't.
I like ersatz coffee.
Now, where's this book I've gotta sign? Let's get the cash and get out of here.
Hey, don't drink that.
That's Gerhard's.
I'm just pouring yours.
Oh.
I'm signing the book.
Why? What do you mean why? Schmidt signs the book, not you.
Schmidt? - I'll sign the book.
- Did you hear what he said? - No.
- I'll see you outside.
Your coffee's getting cold.
How was I to know he didn't like real coffee? Look, everybody likes real coffee.
Forget it, Gerhard, luck just doesn't run your way.
I must have been mad to think you could bring this off.
- Which is mine? - That one.
Look, let's try again.
What are you trying to do to me? Look, you've made Gruber suspicious now.
I've got a nice, safe little number picking up cash and delivering it to the castle.
And I get well-paid and nobody shoots me.
I must have been insane listening to you.
I should get rid of that before some idiot drinks it.
Oh, no, it can't be.
Poor Schmidt, eh? Yeah.
Don't understand it.
So sudden to be taken ill like that.
What do you think it was? Burst appendix, apparently.
Just shows you.
You never know.
Could've been me, could've been you.
No, I've had mine out.
Could've been you, though.
Hello, Gruber.
Where's Schmidt? He was taken ill at the barracks.
- So you have the money.
- Yes.
Come along.
I'll take you to Major Neuheim.
How many rounds of ammunition? Good God.
Yes.
Grenades? Just a minute.
Come! I'm sorry, Major.
It's the messenger from Barracks 19.
Well, bring him in.
Yes, well, I'll send someone down to negotiate with them.
How much are they asking? One million, is that all? Well, of course we've got that much here.
That's a mere bagatelle.
What? I'm very well, thank you.
Whereabouts are they located? Djevo? Yes, of course I know where Djevo is.
It's somewhere between Kraków and the Adriatic.
Well, our courier will be with you in 48 hours.
Yes.
Goodbye.
- You're very late.
- Yes, I'm sorry, sir.
- It was Schmidt.
- Yes, they telephoned me from the barracks and told me Schmidt had collapsed.
- What's wrong with him? - Burst appendix, apparently.
Can it be repaired? - Um, it'll take some time, sir.
- I see.
How much did you bring? - Two and a half million.
- Mmm.
Ow! Are those notes top quality? - First grade, Major.
- Good.
You've You've never been up here before, have you? No, sir.
You seem to have everything very well organised.
Yes, I have, I have.
You know, that little inspiration of mine was the best day's work I ever did.
It's amazing the things that are for sale in Europe at the moment.
Look at that.
I bet you don't know what that is.
- That's a Canaletto, sir.
- That's a Can How did you know that? Well, it's the style.
It's unmistakable.
- Is it genuine? - Of course it's genuine.
You don't suppose I'd buy a fake, do you? Look at the style, it's unmistakable.
Must have cost you a fortune, Major.
No, no, no.
Not really.
£10,OOO.
I'd say that was a bargain.
Wouldn't you? Absolutely.
Especially since we make the money ourselves.
You have no finesse, SCHULZ.
How are things at the barracks? Well, it's coming on very well, sir.
We got the old press working 24 hours a day.
We're making over a half a million notes a week, cut and dried, half of those top quality.
Excellent.
SCHULZ, you qualified for SS Counter-Espionage because of your knowledge of languages, didn't you? Sir? I don't suppose you know a smattering of Serbo-Croat, do you? Well, I used to live in Yugoslavia when I was boy, just for a short while, sir.
I always said there was a touch of the Slav in you, SCHULZ.
There certainly is not.
Yes.
Well, - how would you like a trip out? - Out? Out.
To Yugoslavia.
Well, I do have some leave due for me, sir.
Yes.
Well, I need someone to take a million pounds into Yugoslavia, to buy up some arms and organise the shipment back here.
- Did you say a million pounds, sir? - That's all.
It's quite simple.
There's a group of partisans at a place called Djevo.
Now, Djevo is, um Here.
The British have been parachuting arms and ammunition into the area.
But the partisans don't want them any more.
In fact, they've packed up and gone home.
But the British still keep dropping them supplies.
Ah, well, that's typical of the Anglo-Saxon mind, sir.
If you cancel a magazine, they keep delivering it weeks afterwards.
Really? That's amazing.
Well, anyway, this group of partisans has now built up such an arsenal of unwanted armaments, they've offered them to us.
Germany needs arms.
The only courier I've got who speaks Serbo-Croat has gone down with laryngitis.
Well, I'd consider it an honour and a privilege, sir, to go on such an important mission.
Excellent.
Gruber will accompany you.
You'll leave for Yugoslavia first thing in the morning.
I'll have all the papers ready by then.
In the meantime, get yourself a bed and a meal.
You'll find the food here is excellent.
I should take advantage of it if I were you.
I will, sir.
I choose the menu myself.
I can't stand this place.
Nothing to do but drink and sleep.
And the food's terrible.
I thought it might be.
Well, it's a change for me, Gruber.
Well, you can keep it.
Look at them, bored out of their minds.
Nothing better to do than get drunk all night.
A disgrace to the German army.
Oh, I don't know.
It looks as if it's got its compensations.
It's all new to you, SCHULZ, isn't it? You'll learn.
I'll see you in the morning.
Oh! Oh, I beg your pardon.
Excuse me, Fräulein, would you care to join me? - May I? - Oh, yes, please.
Be my guest.
Thank you.
Uh, Private Gerhard SCHULZ at your service.
How polite you are.
Gertrude Steiner.
Frau Gertrude Steiner.
Well, what a wonderful time you must all have up here.
Sometimes.
But it's pretty boring mostly.
Same old faces, you know.
Like those.
Well, you should be where I've just come from.
This is a different world.
I didn't think it would take you long.
I want these typed by tomorrow morning, Frau Steiner.
Most urgent.
- Yes, Major.
- And, SCHULZ, Frau Steiner is is a respectable war widow.
This isn't the Salon Kitty, so control your animalistic impulses.
Well, I am sorry, Herr SCHULZ, but I really will have to go.
The major is most particular about his orders.
But I can, um I can give you a hand with those later on.
Thank you, but you wouldn't know the way he likes things done.
But I would.
- You would? - Yes, you see, up until six months ago, I was Major Neuheim's clerk.
- I don't believe it.
- Yeah, it's true.
- Let me get you another drink.
- Well, what a coincidence.
So you know the major well.
Oh, yes, I know the major.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say I know a lot more about him than he would like.
What will you have? A Dubonnet.
Excuse me, a Dubonnet and a schnapps, please.
I mean, take all this, for example.
Oh, yes, it's a brilliant idea.
Major Neuheim told me it came to him in a flash while he was having tea with the Führer.
Oh, did he? Well, it wasn't entirely his own idea.
I mean, he did have help.
- You mean you? - Yes.
Well, I had a hand in it.
On the imaginative side.
Excuse me.
Oh, um, keep the change.
Thank you.
I wouldn't say it was entirely my own idea, but Well, I needn't be modest.
This whole thing wouldn't have happened without me.
But you're still a private.
Well, in this life, Frau Steiner, talent is rarely rewarded, especially in wartime.
You mean to say, all this, and never even a word of thanks? Well, that's the way it goes.
I think that's terrible.
Well, you know the Major.
Tell me, does he still need everything in quadruplicate? Only this morning he was complaining because he couldn't find something - in the files.
- That's because he can't be bothered to learn how it's organised.
He used to drive me insane.
Always putting things in the wrong place and then blaming me.
And if anything went right, he'd take the credit.
He hasn't changed.
So, you're a widow, Frau Steiner? Oh, please.
Gertrude.
Gertrude.
Frau Steiner is so formal.
Gertrude.
Yes, he was a pilot, killed in the first year of the war.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Oh, well, it's all in the past now.
So, now you're here.
Handling the mad Major.
Well, it could be worse.
It's the evenings that are the problem.
That's about the best this place can offer for company.
Where would you like to be, if you had the choice? Oh, I don't know.
Anywhere.
I've had enough of the war.
You've had enough of the war? - Does that shock you? - No, not at all.
It's just that Well, ever since my husband was killed, anything to do with the war frightens me.
- I'm sorry.
- No, well, don't apologise.
That's how I feel exactly.
As it happens, Neuheim's sending me off to Yugoslavia for a couple of days, - so I shall be out of it.
- Yugoslavia? Where? That's supposed to be secret.
Trieste.
You must be going through Trieste.
- I suppose so.
- Oh, what a wonderful place.
If only I were going.
We'll only be passing through.
Oh, just imagine.
You could drop me off there and pick me up later.
- I could? - Three whole days to enjoy myself.
How would you get out of this place? Oh, I've got a few days' leave coming.
I can take them at any time.
But it's quite against the rules to give people lifts.
I shouldn't even suggest it.
And you know the Major and what he'd be like if he'd found out.
- He'd have you shot.
- Oh, I doubt it.
I mean, when you've known the Major as long as I have, you can always get round him.
He's no problem.
No, I suppose he wouldn't be.
You are obviously a most remarkable man.
I'm really glad we met.
But I must get this typing done.
- No time for dreams.
- Remember what I said.
- There's so much of it.
- Well, let me have a look.
Well, let me get you another drink while you're looking at it.
- Oh, no, let me.
- No, please, I insist.
- Same again? - Uh, yes.
I'm so glad you came.
I never get to see my friends.
And to be frank, the people here are rather boring and terribly unsophisticated.
The men especially.
They only think of one thing.
Drinking? Oh, you're like a breath of fresh air.
One could talk to you about so many things.
Books, for example.
Music.
Theatre.
I'll bet you're even interested in grand opera.
I am, as a matter of fact.
There you are.
You see? One can tell.
Only, I can't stand Wagner.
Not that you're not interested in other things as well.
- I can see that.
- Oh, yes.
Definitely.
But like me, you think there are so many more important things in life.
Oh, yes.
We're so alike, Gerhard.
You see, I think there are people with sentiment and people without.
I think we're people with sentiment, don't you? Oh, yes.
You don't often meet them.
Oh, no.
Would you really like to go to Trieste? I can't think of anything better.
- Unless it was - What? - No, I shouldn't say that.
- No, go on.
- No.
- You were gonna say, "Unless it was out of the war for good.
" - Shh.
- No, it's all right.
You can say that to me.
You see, I may not come back from Yugoslavia.
But where would you go? Anywhere.
Anywhere out of the war.
But that takes money.
I mean, three days in Trieste, but how could you afford to stay away for good? What would you think if I said money's no problem? I'd think you were trying to get a respectable woman into trouble.
Really.
- Really? - Yes, really.
Cross my heart.
I mean, it's no worse than Neuheim's art collection, is it? Why shouldn't we? - But where? - Switzerland.
Oh, if only it were possible.
Just imagine it.
Switzerland.
Out of the war for good.
It is possible.
Except there's one problem.
- What? - Well, Gruber.
You know, that lout I came in with.
Oh, Gruber, yes.
Well, he'd never let us get away with it.
He's the last-ditch type.
You know the sort.
He's fanatical.
- I wonder if I - What? I don't know if it would work, but - Go on.
- Supposing I told him we were going to Trieste, and that you were going to drop me off there, and on the way back, I could promise him a good time.
You know.
- You mean - Mmm-hmm.
Wouldn't you mind? But we wouldn't be going back to Trieste, would we? - Oh, no.
- Do you think it would work? Oh, yes.
We could dump him in the mountains.
On the way to Switzerland.
So it would take him a long time to walk back.
Oh! Poor Gruber.
Hey, you're wonderful! So are you.
What do you think? Shall we leave this mad world behind and risk everything? Why not? - Oh, Gerhard.
- Oh, Gertrude.
Frau Steiner, didn't I say those papers were urgent? Yes, Major, I was just going.
And secret, for God's sake! OO tomorrow morning on my desk, - Frau Steiner.
- Yes, Major.
- Not a minute later.
- You will bear in mind what I said, Frau Steiner? How could I forget, Herr SCHULZ? And thank you for your very pleasant company.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Until we meet again.
Frau Steiner, you will take my painting with you.
I'm reliably informed it's a Veronese.
You will find somewhere suitable to hang it.
Yes, Major.
Follow me.
- I should have known.
An animal jailbird like you.
The moment you set eyes on a woman all you think about is copulation.
I assure you, Major, there was nothing further from my mind.
Well, you won't get the chance because she'll be typing all night.
And you're off to Yugoslavia in the morning.
And good riddance to you.
Well, if it won't go through the door, chop a bit off it.
I said I'd meet her about here.
I must say, it's very good of you, Gruber.
Letting me give her a lift, I mean.
- Think nothing of it.
- No, I mean it.
I know it's against the rules.
Very decent of you.
There she is.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Allow me.
Cigarette? Light? What's going on? You're not, for one.
Out.
Out! But I thought we were gonna dump him.
No, we're going to dump you.
We've been planning this for ages, just waiting for the right moment.
I could never get Schmidt to fall for it.
Out! - Out where? - Just out.
- I'll take that.
- Oh, come on, Gruber.
It's my money.
I made it.
Start walking.
Go on.
Well, then, Gruber stopped the car and pulled a gun on me.
He forced me out of the car and took the key to the handcuffs and then he drove off.
I had to walk for nearly eight hours before I found a house.
And Ooh.
Where do you suppose Gruber is now? I don't know, Major.
Probably slipped across the border to Switzerland.
Dropped out of sight.
- You think so? - I don't know, sir, but I sincerely hope he gets caught.
He deserves to be shot.
He has been caught.
And he has been shot.
He's been caught? Shot? Not by us, alas.
He was caught speeding by the Italian police.
And would you believe it? Elected to shoot it out.
He lost the election.
One thing you forgot to mention in your little saga was that my secretary, Frau Steiner, was in the car with him! Quite hysterical by this time and tearing her fingernails out in handfuls.
She confessed.
Everything.
- Everything? - Everything! You are a totally corrupt human being! Shifty, slimy, slinky and sly.
All you've ever thought about is lining your own pockets and by God, you'll pay for it! Guard.
Guard! You take this man to the guardroom.
He's under arrest.
I shall take a great personal interest in your court-martial, SCHULZ.
You fell from the very high standards of personal conduct set everywhere by the SS and abused a position of trust.
While all around you worked selflessly for nation, party and Führer, you thought only of personal gain.
I have no hesitation in sentencing you to three years in a labour camp, where some effort will be made in the direction of your political regeneration.