Queer as Folk (UK) s01e04 Episode Script

(& Pulp: Common People) & Sing along with the common people & Sing along & Fucking useless.
We're lost.
Too right! Get off.
Get off! & .
.
and the stupid things you do & Because there's nothing else to do & Why's it got to be me? l didn't even know him that well.
l only went to his house twice.
Who plans their own funeral? lt's mad.
- You've done it.
- Like l said, it's mad.
That's three of them.
Magic Martin, John Baxter, now good old Phil.
- Three of them what? - Three men l've shagged have died.
Not a bad ratio really.
- Whoo! - What a journey! Blown to buggery.
Would he shut the window? Where's the do? Sandra, leave me alone.
l can't write it now.
l can't! l'm at a funeral.
Yeah.
No, l am.
Listen Organ music.
Funeral (On PA) & l lost my heart to a starship trooper & Of course it's not a party.
l can't help it if he was cheap, can l? lt's on my desk.
Cope without me.
l can't! Yeah, write it yourself.
& .
.
won't you be my lover & l'm getting buried, people cry more at burials.
l want them sobbing their guts out.
So when did you have Phil, then? l told you, that party - May the 1 st, election night.
Didn't think he was your type.
He wasn't, was he? He was half lard.
l was having that boy whatshisname? Wi .
.
Winston, and everyone starts joining in, must have been about six of us.
Phil just throws himself on top.
Phil never said.
l thought he hated you.
Well, he was all over me.
He was snogging me, l was going, ''Get off! Get off!'' & .
.
hand in hand we'll conquer space & Big Bob was in there somewhere.
l'm a fuckingcolossus.
ls there anyone you haven't had? (Teacher) The nuclear family that we all know today emerged out of the process of industrialisation & .
.
thy creatures own thy sway & Now, at Philip's request, a reading by Mr Vincent Tyler.
l've been asked to do this Phil wanted He wanted er, a reading Cos it was last Easter he found this bruise on his leg.
He said, ''That's it, l'm dying.
l'm off.
'' So he wrote all this down, his last request.
Turns out, he bumped his leg on a stepladder.
(Subdued sniggering) But he chose this.
He wanted somethingappropriate.
''D-l-S ''C-O.
''l say D-l-S-C-O.
''She is D, delirious.
''She is l, incredible.
''She is S, superficial.
''She is C, crazy-crazy.
''She is O, oh, oh, oh'' l was with him the night he died.
l weren't with-him with him or he wouldn't be dead.
Ooh, imagine! l could be dead.
This could be me.
Mind you, l think l'd get more of a crowd.
Yeah, Stuart and Vince.
He used to go on about you.
Cameron Roberts.
l did Phil's accounts.
- Didn't see you at the crematorium.
- No.
l'm just paying my respects.
- Didn't know him that well.
- Neither did l.
- He talked about you all the time.
- Yeah, we had a laugh but we were pub friends, just went out drinking.
So what do you do with your real friends? We go out drinking.
l heard about the service, the pop song.
Sounds good.
l'm glad it was Vince.
Phil used to go on about him.
Vince this, Vince that, thought the world of him.
l'm Vince.
Oh.
lt's just that Phil said, well everyone said, that Stuart was the better-looking one.
Do you want a hand? l've got to wait, l'm doing that collection thing.
l'll give you a hand.
We're going back tomorrow, collect his things, put the house on the market.
Then it's done, all over.
(Mobile phone) - (Beep) - Sorry.
l'd imagine you're the same, Mrs Tyler.
When your son tells youabout himself, the plans all change.
No wedding, no grandchildren.
Not to be.
And that's fine.
lt's the plans you don't make.
You don't plan your own son's funeral.
''You don't plan your own son's funeral.
'' (Stuart) 'Child, sorry.
Make it child, not son.
' Child.
'New paragraph.
' You plan for the best of times.
Full stop.
You can plan their weddings, comma, you can plan for grandchildren.
Full stop.
'But some things you never plan.
Full stop.
' New paragraph.
At the worst of times Sherwood is there to help.
Full stop.
Finished.
How's that? A bit slushy? Stuart, is that really a funeral? Slushy's good, it's post-Diana.
- Print it up.
- You are, aren't you? You're at a funeral.
- 'l said so.
' - You bastard.
(Vince) Mrs Delaney, he didn't take drugs.
l know.
lt was just that night, l mean, l would say that even if he did but - take drugs, l mean - but he wasn't like that.
He didn't l know.
Thank you, Vince, but l know my own son.
Thank you.
- Just thought l'd better say.
- Thanks.
Well, l don't wanna keep But you didn't see anyone that night? You didn't see who he was with? There was loads of us - some friends came up for the weekend - l sort of lost track of him.
But tell me because l can't stop None of my business.
What? Do you think a woman would have run? - How do you mean? - lf he'd taken a woman home? - Sorry? - l don't know, you tell me, what He'd have found some woman at the age of 35, some woman he'd never met, he'd take her home, take heroin with that woman, would he? lt was a mistake, it's got nothing to do with being gay.
Hasn't it? He'd find himself at the age of 35 taking heroin with a casualfuck if he was straight? - He could do.
- Well, l suppose What would l know? Four days he laid there.
l had to see him.
Thank you.
People to see.
Donna said she saw Mr Rogers with his wife in town.
Said she's tiny, like a dwarf.
A face like that That's why he's cross all the time, he's got to go to bed with that.
She's a twat, that Donna.
Why do you hang about with her? - Are you shagging her? - No way! Tracy Anstee, l'd have her.
Jason reckons she's a dyke.
She's always with that blonde girl.
Aw, don't tell me that.
- A waste.
- l dunno, though, at least she's getting some.
- Getting more than me.
- And me.
Doesn't matter where you get it, so long as you do.
''You're only after one thing,'' that's them.
- And we are! - Yeah.
Behind the house, no one's looking, l've got this fucking boner and she's grabbing it, l'm like, yes, l'm going, ''Aah,'' She's scooping down, she's got my balls an' all, then she's pulling, gripping dead tight.
Then she stops.
She's got to go home.
She fucking stops.
Christ, l'm packing it.
(Stuart) l mean, just look at today.
lt's proofyou should try anything.
Can we go? Later.
Tell you what, some other time.
Call me.
(Bell) (lndistinct) .
.
just me and him No! How was Mrs Delaney? - Did you say about the drugs? - No, we just chatted.
- God, just take me home.
- Nope.
Things to do.
& Just trash, me and you & lt's in everything we do & - You're like Mozart, you.
- How am l like Mozart? He did everything dead young.
The rest of us, what are we doing? Nothing.
Robert Coles - he did that advert.
Apart from him.
But you, doing all sorts, now! - l've only just started.
- l'm sick of you.
Get him down.
Come on.
- Pansy.
- Shirt-lifter.
Fucking queer.
& You don't care about us & - (Knock at door) - & Oh, oh, you don't care about & Us & (Turns volume down) l did knock.
l'm going to the cash and carry, do you want to come with me? - Like l'd rather die.
- l was gonna let you drive.
(Janice) lf we get stopped by the police, say l'm a diabetic and you're taking me home.
Take the corner slowly now.
Yes.
Yes.
- That's dreadful.
- Oi! That's good, that is.
lf you're gonna sell this in a few years, you could give it to me.
l like that! Give you a car for nothing.
- Could do.
- l was 19 before l had a car.
l was going out with this bloke called Jimmy Moran.
l'd drive him home, couldn't get rid of him.
- He'd snog me till three in the morning.
- Shut up! - Great big lips.
- l don't wanna know.
Works at the Midland now.
Have you got a boyfriend? You don't have to say but l'm not daft, love.
You're out at night, you're not round at Donna's.
l'm not having a go, l'm just saying You're 15 years old.
That's what l'm worried about, you're 15.
- l don't know what you're doing - l'm not doing anything! - l'm not! - l don't mind.
- l'm saying, it's not about being gay - l'm not, all right? OK, that's enough.
Pull in.
So, who's Stuart? - Nathan! - (Tyres screech) Oh, my God, it's nonstop with you.
You're like a novel.
- Can't you get out? - l can't.
l burnt the ham.
What you gonna do? You'll have to tell her about Stuart.
- l can't.
- You'll have to.
She knows.
- l can't! - You'll have to.
l can do what l like.
l'm Mozart.
l'm fucking Mozart.
What if someone sees us? lt's a dead man's house.
lf people come and go from a dead man's house, people think it's something to do with the dead man, which it is.
(Alarm beeping) - Shit! - lt's all right, it was written down.
(Beeping stops) People should die more often if it has this effect on you.
Meaning? Well, it's nice of you.
l didn't think you cared about your shags.
You do the videos, l'll do the rest.
She knows he's gay, she's always known.
Yeah, but imagine you're dead and your mother goes through your stuff, goes through your porno stash, do you really want her seeing that? Well, not your mother.
A normal mother.
Poor bastard.
l was thinking, l'll get a spare set of keys for the flat so you could have them.
Come and save me, Vince.
Yeah.
And you can have a set of mine.
Yeah! Like anything's gonna happen to you.
Right, porn.
l told you, he was a crap shag, came in two seconds.
Oh, no, you don't.
- Do you know where Stuart Jones is? - Listen.
Peace and quiet.
He's not in.
Blissful day.
Gay man's legacy, that's what we leave behind, a pile of trash.
He had pictures of children.
Some of them are babies.
lt's really disgusting.
Ha ha.
He could have done, that would have been so brilliant.
Tell you what l did find, though, and don't take this the wrong way - What? - Well, it's you.
He's got these photos of you, about three dozen of them, just hidden away with all this stuff.
Just photos of you having a laugh or in the pub but dozens of them.
He hasn't.
Of course he bloody hasn't, you twat.
Piss off.
As a matter of fact, l'm dead good-looking.
l was told.
Well, you are.
Oh.
Come on, let's go.
Presents from Phil.
There you go, Powertool One.
See what you're missing.
lt was great, you know.
Good buffet.
lt's all right, Stuart, you're allowed to be sad.
l won't tell anyone.
He's still a bastard, though, dying.
We get enough funerals, l don't need reminding.
1 7 weeks and l'm 30.
l'm dying in front of everyone.
What about that student you had on Monday, how old was he? - 21 .
- There you are, you're 21 .
You're as young as who you feel.
lsn't that the point? (Vince) Monday, what happened to me? Fighting off that bloke with the leg, another shit night.
We're getting older and there's nothing to stop us so we don't.
We never stop.
l'll still be there when l'm 60, walking down Canal Street, taking Viagra.
And l'll be chasing after you.
Pathetic.
l think it's brilliant.
l want to die shagging.
Yeah.
Phil did that.
& You're my world & You are my light & Up there & You're my world, you're every friend & l pray & Don't open till ten.
l just need to renew my membership.
- What's your name? - Bernard Thomas.
(Beeps) That's two quid, please.
Oi! Get off, you little bastard! Aye aye, Bernie, one of yours? (Mobile phone) Hi.
Yeah, we're just about to go Who did? He's done what? What? - How the fuck did she know my name? - Donna's always talking.
l never said.
Nathan, you have made a big mistake.
You've actually imagined l give a shit.
Why don't you just run off to your schoolboy life and stop bothering us? l can't.
Me mam told me dad and he was furious.
He said, ''Get out!'' He called me a poof and threw me out.
- l can't go back, he'll hit me.
- He won't, l'll get the police on him.
- l'll tell him.
Where do you live? - l'm not saying.
- What's his surname? - Maloney.
l'll go through every Maloney in the book.
lt's not me dad, it was these boys at school.
They said they'd kill me.
l can't go back.
- You can't believe a word he says.
- l could stay at yours.
No.
lt's your fault! lt's all cos of you, this.
You chose me.
l'm not going back.
l'll go to London.
l'll live on the streets.
l'll be a rent boy and l'll be murdered.
l will! You know you're getting older when the drama queens start looking younger.
Can't l stay here? Just for tonight? He's stupid enough.
He could run off.
Christ, does that mean l'm sleeping with you? (Stuart) He'll get fed up and go home.
(Vince) What if he doesn't? (Arguing continues, indistinct) Pack him off home.
(Vince) You do it.
lt's your problem.
Fuck off, Vince.
- l'm going for a piss.
- We should phone his mother.
She must be frantic.
What if he's lying now and he is in danger? lt's cock.
That's all it is, cock.
Thanks for that, Bernie.
15 and your mother finds out, it's not ''gay'', it's not ''homosexual''.
lt's cock.
Your mother knows you like cock.
Fair do's, it is revolting.
ls that you? How old were you there? Young.
(Nathan starts to groan) (Toilet flushes) (Hazel) As soon as he's settled, he's giving us the number.
l'll talk to her.
- What are you doing tonight? - Nothing.
Why? You won't shift him tonight, clever little bugger.
lf we can get him home tonight, you're coming with me.
- l'm not going on me own.
- Take him.
lt's his fault.
Give it a rest.
(Hazel) l can't take Bernie, can l? lt is their son.
Picture it, schoolboy on one side, Bernie on the other, what they gonna think? Dirty old man! - (Bernie) Chance'd be a fine thing.
- And he'd say something like that.
What do you want? Can l have a towel? Hang on.
Nice room.
Thanks.
lt was a funeralcos you didn't even ask.
Do you think we're wearing black cos it's the fashion? lt was Phil.
You met Phil.
- Yeah.
- Well, he's dead.
Sorry.
ls that it? Sorry? Didn't really know him, just had a drink with him.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Better clean up.
(Hazel) So is that all right, Vince? lf you come with me? Why has it got to be me? lt's his problem.
- lt's his fault.
- (Bernie) That's asking for trouble, turning up with Manchester's champion shagger.
So l'm all right cos l'm harmless.
We haven't even made the call yet.
Where are you going? l've left some stuff in the Jeep.
Vince.
Vince.
(Horn beeping) What are you doing? Hey! l'm talking to you.
Where are you going? Look, get in the car, l'll take you home.
Look, we'll go out, go for drink, go to mine, whatever you want.
All right, then.
Just fuck off, then.
l'm going.
Fuck off.
Please, just get in the car, will you?