Rel (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Rel is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, this the part right here.
Here we go.
My billionaire girlfriend is she's gone, and now I got to go back to a life of just turning tricks.
Mm, mm, mm.
I guess that's just the life of a pretty man.
Male sex? Anyone want some male sex? (HORN HONKS) I'll take some male sex.
Gloria! You came back.
Yes.
Yes, I did.
I did come back.
MAN (OVER TV): Oh, Gloria.
What are you waiting for? Come on.
Take the leap.
You mean the leap of love? Yes.
Here we go.
(GRUNTS) Okay, this is stupid.
Why is Paul Melvins your favorite actor? I mean he does some of the corniest movies I've ever seen.
He jumped through a moonroof.
Both of his legs should be broken.
What you don't get is the the legs represent the power of love.
Also, nobody I know has ever been told "I love you" from a balcony.
Look, that's because you don't know anybody with a balcony.
Okay? And I'm not gonna let you keep talking about Paul Melvins like that.
That dude is a theatrical genius, okay? I put him up there with Sidney Poitier, uh, Denzel Washington, uh, uh, uh, uh Tyrese Gibson.
Hey, listen, the point is none of this ever happens in real life.
Ain't no happily-ever-afters.
(SIGHS) It takes somebody like you to say that, because you've never been in a relationship longer than three months.
And that was too long.
And the only reason why it lasted is because we had jury duty together.
That's exactly why Paul Melvins movies go over your head.
Rel, these corny-ass movies are making you too sentimental.
You need to find a girl to smash.
Look, I'm not like that, okay? I can't just sleep with any woman.
I'm not a slut.
First of all, you don't got to say it like that.
Ain't nothing wrong with having enjoyable and uncommitted sex.
I'm telling you, it'll stop you from killing people.
You know what? Instead of banning assault weapons, they should have government-funded hoes who just go around, and they should just be Okay, no.
L-L-Look, look, look Brittany, I don't have time for one of your weird theories.
Look, I want a connection.
I-I want a soul mate and Look, everybody can't be like you.
(CHUCKLES): I mean, you treat all dudes you mess with like dogs.
That's not true.
People love and trust their dogs, Rel.
Now, look, sex is just sex sometimes.
That's all it is, and that's all you need.
(SIGHS) Look, I don't know if you know this.
I ain't even told nobody this, okay? I ain't been with nobody since Shannon left.
Everybody know that.
Listen, Rel, you need some ass to get over ass.
All right? Right now, your body is in a place where you're physically just stuck on one person, and you need to shock your system with new ass.
(SIGHS) God, I don't know, man.
Like, I don't want to get back with my wife or nothing, you know, but I really don't want to close that door.
And if I if I sleep with another woman, it'll just make me feel like the marriage is actually over.
(CHUCKLES): Dude, your marriage was over when your wife cheated on you.
Your marriage was over when she took the kids to Ohio.
Your marriage was over when she Look, I don't need a third one, 'cause the first two was pretty damn good.
This how we do it in the Chi On the West Side Where we always keep it tippin' Man, that ain't no lie Oh, oh, oh.
Uh-oh, Rel on the prowl tonight.
- Who you going after? - What are you talking about? Come on, man.
You're alone at the bar.
That's creeping 101.
I know the game.
You trying to get laid tonight.
No, man.
I don't think I'm ready yet, man.
I understand.
But, yo, what about this girl right here? I mean, she decent, but (SIGHS) she got balls on the back of her socks.
Oh, what about shorty right here? That ain't no shorty, man.
That's my friend's mama.
Oh, yeah.
- What about her? - REL: Oh.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Aw, damn it.
She got a long-ass purse strap, man.
Like her purse got a seat belt.
Look, if you're gonna have all these specific requirements, man, you're gonna have to try online dating.
Look, man, there's no romance in that, man You can't get a woman's essence through an app.
- You know, it's just pictures.
- Nah.
I'm on this app right now called Phone Pheromones.
- What? - Yeah.
You pick your date by a scent profile.
I set mine to cheese scents, right, but I think I did it wrong, though.
I thought I was gonna get a girl that likes cheese like I do.
- Mm-hmm.
- They sent me a chick that smells like cheese.
You know, I hit it once or twice, but, you know, I can't be wifing a chick that smell like Gouda.
Look, see, that's what I'm saying.
That's not for me, bro.
I I need a connection, man.
I-I don't want to just be with some random person.
You know, if I met the perfect woman right now, I would be so happy.
I'd be out the game, you know? Uh, hey.
Is that lemon drop for me? No.
It's my it's my drink.
I bought it with my money.
You just walked in here.
I don't know how you think You know, I mean, like Oh, you were kidding.
- (LAUGHS) Right.
- (LAUGHS) I didn't know that - that was a joke.
I mean - Right.
It was.
.
I'm sorry.
That-that was funny.
My-my bad.
- It's okay.
- But, um I don't want to give you this.
I've been drinking out of it.
Can I buy you your own lemon drop? - Oh, I'd love that.
- Jake, could you - could you get, uh What's your name? - Charlene.
Could you get Charlene a-a lemon drop? All right.
Cool.
Hey, Charlene.
I'm-I'm Rel.
Nice to meet you.
Hey.
(REL AND CHARLENE LAUGHING) I'm telling you.
Okay, look, I-I got one for you.
- Okay, this-this a real one, too.
- Okay.
All right.
Now, who's your favorite all-time white Bulls player? - You ready? One - Yep.
BOTH: Two, three.
- Jud Buechler.
- Jud Buechler.
All righty.
- Girl - (LAUGHS) This is I ain't gonna lie this is crazy to me.
- You know what I mean? - I know.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Ooh.
Ugh, I hate women that wear long purse straps.
Huh.
You're just asking for somebody to snatch it.
See, long purse straps are my number one pet peeve.
Tell me more.
(CHARLENE GROANS) - It's so fun.
- It is.
- It's been a good night.
- I know.
And the thing I think he wants us to leave.
- No, we should be - (CHUCKLES) Damn, Jake.
All right, we'll get out of here.
Uh (REL AND CHARLENE LAUGH) Hey, are-are you hungry? You want to come get a "guy-ro" with me? Ooh, yes.
And thank you for saying "guy-ro.
" 'Cause I hate when people say "gyro.
" - Me, too.
"Gyro.
" - Or "yer" Whatever.
All right, be safe, playboy.
You, too, sweetie.
All right.
Selfish bastards.
- - BOTH: Mmm (CHARLENE LAUGHS) Mm.
Hmm? - Mm.
Mm.
- (REL CHUCKLES) Wow, this is this is unbelievable, man.
It feels like we're in a real-life Paul Melvins movie.
- (CHUCKLES) - Hmm.
Yeah, if Paul Melvins was ten times as handsome.
Girl, I don't know what you're trying to get, - but you're gonna get it.
- (LAUGHS) About time.
Let's go back to your place.
You-you want to go back to my place? Oh, yeah.
Shibbity damn dobos.
(CHARLENE PANTING, MOANING) (CHARLENE LAUGHS) That was just what I needed.
(REL EXHALES, PANTS) - Oh - I know.
I mean I didn't know I could still do all that.
(LAUGHS) Ah.
You know something? It was magical.
- (SIGHS) - You know why? - Why? - Because I'm with you.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, that's so sweet.
- Thank you.
- (GIGGLES) (BOTH SIGH) You know something? We should do this.
We just did.
(LAUGHS) No, no, no, no, no.
Come here.
I'm serious.
Like this should be a thing.
Like, this should be something special.
- CHARLENE: Mmm.
- Hmm? Boop.
(GIGGLES) (REL CHUCKLES) Hey, baby.
Uh, Charlene? Charlene? Charlene? Charlene? Soul mate? Where you at, baby? You in the kitchen making me some coffee? Charlene.
Charlene? Charlene Soul mate? Look it just doesn't make sense why she would leave.
That was that was both of our best night of our lives, you know? Wait a minute.
What if she went out to get us some breakfast biscuits and she got kidnapped, man? You better hope that didn't happen, 'cause you don't want to be a black man that was the last person to see a woman alive.
Well, should I call the police or something? Man, police can't help you.
Oh.
But you can call Liam Neeson, 'cause your girl been Taken.
See, Dad, you got to stop joking around, man.
Me and Charlene really connected.
Like, like, we held each other in in each other's arms, and and she booped me.
What the hell is a "boop"? You know, it's Boop.
- Hey, don't touch me there! - See? You see what I'm saying? That-that-that that's what I'm talking about.
You see how intimate that is? Man, look, I don't know what happened that night, but okay, look on the good side at least you got some sex, and you didn't get robbed.
See, see, Dad, it's more than sex, you know what I mean? And her not robbing me should prove that even further.
Well I wish I was in your shoes, you know what I'm saying? Your wife is just separated from you.
My wife is dead.
She's up in Heaven looking down at me, watching my every move, spying on me.
Okay, full disclosure.
In a moment of weakness, I tried to hook up - with Veronica from the dry cleaners - NAT: Wait.
You're talking about Veronica with the Yeah, yeah, that's why I tried to hook up.
So, I got back to her place, you know, and I'm not feeling good about myself, but I'm there, and she said, "Can I go to the bathroom and put on something sexy?" So I'm waiting, and lights start flickering, man, so I said, that's your mama trying to tell me to go.
So I got out.
Thank God you're here.
Congratulations, Rel.
You smashed.
- (CHUCKLES) - Hey, no, no, no, Brittany, I didn't smash.
Me and Charlene made love, you know, and and I woke up, and she was gone.
Oh, you mean, like, a one-night stand? It's okay.
Life is not a Paul Melvins movie.
- It was just sex.
That's all right.
- No, no, no, no, no.
We had a real connection, man.
It felt like we had potential to be the next, you know, Jay and Bey.
- No, no, you mean Jay and Bee.
- No, no.
I said "Jay and Bey," 'cause it's B-E-Y.
" It's a "Y" at the end of the "Bey.
" You know what I mean? So what you're saying is, it's the Bey-Hive - and Queen Bey.
- No, no, no.
We got a Queen Bee already.
- It's Lil' Kim, okay? - No, if you take (STAMMERS) No, that's beside the point! Okay? We got to find Charlene.
Okay, well, did you check her social media? Do you know her last name? Yeah, Charlene something.
Rel, she didn't give you her last name? That says it all, man.
No, no.
See, names are overrated.
Okay? Did Romeo and Juliet have last names? Yes.
Their last names was the whole problem.
(SIGHS) You know, you know something, screw this, man.
Look, I'm-I'm-a I'm-a go find her, y'all, and, look if Romeo and Juliet could make it, me and Charlene can.
Refresh my memory.
What happened at the end of Romeo and Juliet? She takes fake poison.
He finds her dead, thinks she's really dead, but she ain't.
So he takes real poison, and he really dies.
So she wake up, see him dead, stabs herself to death.
White kids.
Okay, look, she-she was about this tall, right, and-and she had on this shirt that complemented her brown eyes, and her eyes had little speckles of hazel in 'em.
Specks of hazel? She might be sick, man.
Be careful out there.
(SIGHS) Jake, she's not sick, okay? That was just her essence it's purple like the majestic African queen she descends from.
Nah, man, I ain't seen no purple bitches up in here.
Look, man, thanks for stopping.
Uh, I don't know if you remember me from last night.
Uh, I was with a beautiful girl.
- We rode in your cab? - Oh, I know.
I remember thinking, "What is she doing with him?" - Okay, so you know her? - Oh, yeah.
Charlene.
Brother, that is perfect, man.
Just give me her address.
Nah, man.
My days of helping stalkers are over.
What are you talking about? I'm not a stalker.
Yeah, that's what they all say.
What you mean, "That's what they all say"? No, no.
I'm serious.
I'm not a stalk Can-can I at least get her building number? I'll just wait in the bushes till she come out.
Sounds stalky.
It's not! Shoot.
Here you go, man.
Can I help you? Listen, man, I was here last night with the woman of my dreams, and she she actually paid with a credit card.
Is there any way I could get her receipt? Wait.
So you made the woman of your dreams pay for dinner? Uh, yes, because she wanted to.
But, look, all I need is her last name.
Listen, man, I don't know what they do with the receipts around here, man.
They just started letting me work at this register, and I've been here for five years.
Oh.
What about one of these cameras, man? Like, is there any way we could look at the footage and maybe zoom down at the receipt and then and actually get her name? Man, those cameras don't work.
My boss just put 'em there to stop crime.
They ain't even pointing at nothing.
(MAN CLEARS THROAT) - (REGISTER CLACKS OPEN) - Okay, sorry about that, brother.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Man, I'm all out of ideas, I'm out of leads.
I don't know what to do, man.
All I know is that Charlene Charlene's still got my heart, yo.
Oh, Charlene.
Charlene! I miss you so much! MAN: It was a one-night stand.
Shut up! You know something, man? Mind your own damn business.
You don't know my life.
You shut up! Rel, everybody's gonna know your life if you keep yelling out the damn window! - Man! - (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Rel, man, she's here.
- Who? - The girl.
The girl.
The purple chick with the African essence.
I knew I'd find her.
Yeah, technically, I found her.
Okay, look, just keep her there, man.
I'll be on right on my way, okay? All right.
(REL CHUCKLES) - Guess what, huh? - What? Charlene has been found.
That's right.
Uh-huh.
Love wins, Brittany.
Why does he keep leaving me alone in his apartment? Hey, where is she? (CHUCKLING): Oh-ho.
Prepare to get your heart strings played, brother.
(LAUGHS) (UNDER BREATH): See what we got here.
Oh.
("NOW THAT WE FOUND LOVE" BY HEAVY D & THE BOYZ PLAYS) - Yeah - (LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah Now that we've found love - What are we gonna do? - (BOTH LAUGH) - Hey, baby.
- Hey.
Now that we've found love, what we gonna - boop about it? - Ooh! (LAUGHS) (BOTH LAUGHING) Uh, hey, Rel, I'm gonna just say Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Stop right there, baby.
Look, um, I know you probably think I'm like the other guys, you know, who only think about just sleeping with you.
No, that's not my M.
O.
, you know.
I really believe that we, uh we're soul mates.
Whoa.
(CHUCKLES) Rel, look, um I had a real great time with you last night, but if I can be honest, I kind of wanted it to be just that last night.
I mean, I feel like, um I just I feel like we had, like, this really deep connection.
I mean we took a pedicab ride, and - we ate "guy-ros" together, and - That was fun.
You know, I genuinely loved all of those things, but that's not all that I am.
I hope it's not all you are.
Last night was magical, but in a way where two strangers just get caught up in genuine attraction.
It was a one-night relationship, but a beautiful one.
I mean (SIGHS) - It was something about - I know.
Where your glasses at? Oh, I don't wear those every day.
I mean, that was just a fashion thing.
I got 20/20.
(CHUCKLES) Huh? You know, but I had fun.
You know, maybe we could do this So you don't need glasses? No.
(LAUGHS) So you just you just wear it as a fashion thing? - (LAUGHS) - Right.
(LAUGHS) You can actually see? (LAUGHS) - Right.
(LAUGHS) - Wow.
Do you got a blinged-out wheelchair somewhere, too, or a decorative asthma pump? (CHUCKLES) - Wait.
What? - How do I say this? Um this is wrong.
Let me tell you something.
Growing up, the trauma I went through for wearing glasses is ridiculous, okay? You didn't get called "four-eyes," okay?' Nobody called you a librarian.
Nobody mistaked you for a substitute teacher, they coming to your desk to sign their name for attendance.
- Okay.
Okay, Rel.
- Huh? I think you're overreacting.
Let me just go.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not overreacting.
All right.
Bye, Rel.
Should be ashamed of yourself.
I'm not.
- Now that we found love - (REL SPUTTERS) What are we gonna do with it? Lemon drop? (SIGH) You know something, man? I just Maybe I made too much of a big deal out of it.
At the end of the day, I didn't even know who she really was, you know? But honestly, you know, shibbity dobos.
I had a great time.
What makes me feel even better is that my best friend loves me enough to come check on me.
Oh, no.
(LAUGHS) I'm actually here waiting for one of my dips.
(BRITTANY LAUGHS) Ready to get up out of here, Brittany? I am.
(APPLAUSE) This is (LAUGHS) Oh, God.
This is, uh I'm at a loss for words.
I mean, you know, who would've thought for Pretty Man, I would win Best Leading Actor playing a male prostitute? Which I'm actually I really was a male prostitute, and it's very unique that, uh, you would give someone who's actually the character they played the award for Best Leading Actor.
Uh, first, I would like to thank, um and this is unusual my pimp.
Uh, Marvin, thank you so much for the training, the slaps, the, uh the abuse that prepared me to really dive into this character and make people all over America relate to a male prostitute and his struggle.
Uh, I would also like to thank my, uh, parents, who I never knew.
This is why I, you know, jumped into prostitution, because, uh, I raised myself on the streets, and that's where I was found by the pimp who pretty much raised me and had me selling my body.
Um I also - (SMOOTH ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS) - Wait.
Hey! No.
Hey, no, you're not gonna play me off here.
No, no.
No, I'm not done yet! Look, look, Richard Dreyfuss was up here for 45 minutes, and no one said anything, okay? Okay, damn it, I'm getting this out.
As soon as a black man wins an award, you