Reno 911! (2003) s01e04 Episode Script

Reno, this is 41-Frank-15.
We're in hot pursuit of a White Echo, license Nevada "I-m-a " It's a vanity plate.
"I'm a" "I am a" "I'm a " "I'm a " "I'm a double-X.
" "I'm a X-X-Y.
" "I'm a hermaphrodite"? What was that A hermaphrodite? "I'm a hermaphrodite"? Crap! Watch out! Oh-ho! Ohh-h-h! Aah! Aah! Aah! Yeah.
Shots fired.
Oh, oh, oh! Hello, everybody.
I'm Dr.
Barnes.
And I have the results of your Dr.
Barnes, I just want to let you know right away that if you found any THC, any marijuana in my blood or urine, I just want to say that I had to bust up a party the other night where there was a lot of pot-smoking going on, so, um All right.
Not that you're gonna find anything like that in my blood or urine, but if you did, that would be the reason.
What's your name again, ma'am? Clementine Johnson.
Clementine, yes, yes, you do have a small, trace amount there.
I would not take that sort of order again, of busting a place with a lot of pot in it, because your being pregnant and all, that could have some sort of effect.
No.
That is a mistake.
These are very accurate tests, ma'am.
You're not you can't be right about that.
Not to be indiscreet, but what were you doing seven weeks ago? Ooh-ooh! Congratulations, girl! Don't say that.
No, no.
Welcome to motherhood.
Well, we have, um, a few other things to do, but none of them include disrobing.
I don't know why you're all, uh, sitting here with your clothes off.
I didn't, uh Why are we sitting here with our clothes off, dangle? Lieutenant? When we came in, he was in his underwear.
I just thought Well, uh, I don't have to explain myself.
I don't feel the need to explain myself.
How we doing today, ma'am? Just fine.
How are you? I'm doing good.
Ma'am, can I ask you to put that gun down? Oh-ho, don't point it at me.
This belong to me, and I'm fine.
I'm glad, but put it down, ma'am.
I'm gonna put it right here, but you know what? What happened here is not my fault.
Set it on that chair right there.
I just had to take care of my business today, okay? Hey, what's going on? I don't know.
I'm gonna keep this.
Sister, what happened? Come on down here and talk to me.
This man come up here and living in my house, run off my baby daddy, okay? He went out and got this skanky little woman, talking about that's his cousin, can she stay with us for a while? No, he didn't! What she look like? Oh, girl, she look like Mariah Carey on crack.
What he look like? He look like Danny glover.
I'm gonna hook you up.
I'm gonna hook you up today.
Oh, thank you.
Huh? We gonna take this right on up in the house.
No, no! Ho! I'm gonna call this in, Rae.
I will call this in.
You need to calm down.
He is not gonna play her! I will go in there and talk to the man, all right? No, I'm gonna go and talk, 'cause you gonna talk.
I'm gonna mace.
I'm gonna use mace.
No! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho! No! No! Get him, girl! No, no! No! No! No! Get him! No! No! Who do I think is the father of Clementine's baby? I was looking for the phone book.
I was just gonna go Brrp! He right about that, 'cause there ain't no telling, mnh-mnh.
We have a phone book, usually.
It would have been funnier.
Hey.
What in the Sam heck you kids doing up here? You know you're not supposed to be up here, right? You want to go to jail? You want to go? You want to go to the Booty house? 'Cause we'll go.
We'll go, okay? So, what are you doing up here for real? Trying to jump over onto the other roof.
You're trying to jump over this ramp on your bike to the other roof? Yeah.
Oh, man.
Oh, no! Hell, no! Whoo, that's a long way.
You honestly believe you can just take that little bike over that ramp, across the other side? Yeah, I can make it.
I bet you I can make it.
Oh, you bet He bets you.
Okay, Kenny Rogers, Mr.
Gambler.
I'll tell you what I got Look at that I got $5.
What do you got, Jones? I got what do I got? I got $3.
You know what that is? That's 8 county, American dollars that says you cannot jump over that ramp and make it to the other side.
I'll take that bet.
Whoo! Let's go! Go! Go! - Go! Go! Go! Go! - Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Oh Oh, my God, oh, my God! Holy Go, go, go, go! Should we call a medic? No, hell, no.
They'll know we're here.
Clemmy's unborn child is, hopefully, gonna be a bastard, because I'll tell you, I've seen some of the men that she's spent time with.
And "a," half of them are not, you know, white, and "b," the other half are no more than above a fifth-grade education.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, excuse me, if I can interrupt your meals for one second here? I know you don't know be, but I'm compelled to tell you that I'm gonna be a daddy.
Whoo! I'm the new dad.
Thank you, thank you.
Cheers.
Mmm.
Mmm.
You know it isn't yours, right? Check.
Okeydoke, it is 1600 hours, and we are staking out the hotel room of Luis Hernandez, known drug trafficker.
We got a little heads-up he's got a deal going down here, and, uh How long we been here, dangle? We've been here three hours and one quarter.
Damn.
It does not fly.
Yeah.
Gimme those for a second.
Check out room 6.
We're supposed to be watching room 5.
No, I know.
I know.
Room 5 He's not doing anything.
Oh, my God! What? That's Leonard Nimoy.
You're supposed to keep the camera on this guy over here.
Here, I'll put this one over here.
That is not Leonard Nimoy.
Why would Leonard Nimoy be staying at a place like this? He's keeping a low profile.
Leonard Nimoy's already got a low profile, 'cause he's Leonard Nimoy.
That's about as low-profile as you can get, unless, maybe, you're that kid who played Chachi.
Like, that's that's low.
You're comparing Mr.
Spock to Chachi? Chachi's not an icon.
There aren't Chachi conventions.
He and Chachi should be on the same TV show.
If they were doing some kind of "remember the '70s," then both of them would be on it.
It would be like, "hey, Chachi, why don't you shake hands with Dr.
Spock?" Oh he's checking the door again.
Oh No, no, nothing.
No.
I thought we had some drug-deal action.
No, screw that.
The only person here who's having an okay time is Leonard Nimoy.
That is not Leonard Nimoy.
It is.
The question Who is Clemmy's baby is like the million-dollar question.
It's like the question of the century.
It's like "who shot J.
R.
?" In what way? It could be It could be anybody.
Well, J.
R.
, it was only a very limited number of people who could have shot J.
R.
But "Dallas" "Dallas" was huge.
Do you know how huge? Yeah, but the show "Dallas" wasn't about every single person in Dallas.
It was about the ewing family.
It wasn't like that was a cast of what 2.
5 million? You saw the ewing family, and that was it.
So "who shot J.
R.
?" was basically three people.
Okay, the question at hand is, who tapped Clemmy? You.
Yes.
Some of you may or may not know, prostitution is legal in the state of Nevada.
That would, of course, cover Reno.
So right now, we're pulling up to a place called the chicken hole, an establishment run by our friend Claire.
You'd think the things that they do in here would relax somebody, but it has the opposite effect.
How you doing? Hey, come on in.
What's going on today, sweetie? Honest to God, I swear to Christ, I don't know.
I didn't call.
The faggot upstairs called.
I called you this time.
I called you this time.
The shoe's on the other foot.
Check this out.
Check this out.
Hey, Jones, get over here! What? I'm talking to Patty.
Let me show you something.
All right, look, let me just tell you I just finished my lovemaking.
I just did my lovemaking over there, all right? I want to clean myself off.
I want to take a shower, so I can be respectable.
I walk in here, look at this Look, look, look There's not a sign in here that says, "employees must wash hands.
" That's state of Nevada law! That's because it's a whorehouse, you You still got to be clean whores! You got a point, but you're loud.
How many times you been here, Andrew 25, 26? Today, you're gonna complain about the shower? And today's the day that you complain about the damn It's been brewing.
Because I'm thinking about myself.
I'm thinking today.
I'm finishing my lovemaking.
I got my juices all over me.
I got my male juices, I got the female juices on me.
When you blink, you got juices.
There's juices everywhere.
So I got to clean those juices off, but when I walk in here, I see that no one else is cleaning their juice, I'm like, "my God, I'm making love in juice.
" Let me tell you something No, no, no, pitiful.
If you want to wash, go to a K.
O.
A.
kampground and pay a quarter for a shower.
Oh, she says, "thank you.
" - I get that reference.
- Shut the up, bitch! You want a shower? Let's get a shower.
Come on.
Let's get you a shower.
- There's your shower.
- There you go.
Give me your arm.
You know what? I'll walk out on my own.
Ladies, call your congressmen! Boo! Boo! Boo! Ladies, call your congressmen! Boo! I don't know if Clementine Johnson can be a good mom.
That's a hearty adjective for that woman.
Hell, no.
To be honest, if she don't have a paternal figure in her life, that baby's just gonna run around naked, peeing on everything.
It's basically gonna be like a stray cat, you know, that just pees on all the furniture.
I think she's gonna need some help.
All right, um, I'll go with the, uh, vegetarian pizza and quesadilla chicken.
She will have something of less than or equal value.
Uh, just, uh, popcorn chicken, I guess.
Yeah, I'm in a bad spot.
Yeah, I know you are, and I-I happen to think it's a good spot.
I sure would, uh, jump at this great opportunity to, you know, be a dad.
Oh.
I just, uh Uh, sorry about that.
I just I think I'm good with kids and got a couple of houseplants that have never died, so Well, that is sweet.
I appreciate that.
Um, you are pretty high up on my list of people that I will be asking to be a candidate for, uh, marriage or, you know, being my baby's dad.
Um, there's a few people before you on that list.
Okay.
Let me contact those people.
And if nothing works out, then I will consider what you're saying, and I will, uh, get back to you.
Oh, sure, I'm willing to put that in writing, too.
I'll send you an e-mail.
Let me let you know.
I'll let you know.
Okay.
You are out of your mind.
That is not Leonard Nimoy.
It is.
It is.
Stop saying it isn't, because it is.
That is not Leonard Nimoy.
Why don't we go ask? Why don't just we go ask? Go.
You ask.
I will.
You're the one who thinks he's Leonard Nimoy.
Oh, hey, will you keep an eye on 5? Just watch the thing, and if it runs out of tape, you just got to switch the tape.
Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
How you doing? Doing okay.
Am I in trouble? You're not Leonard Nimoy, are you? Oh, no.
Oh, that's what I said! Oh, man.
I just lost $35.
You look so much like Leonard Nimoy, it's, like, not even funny.
Yeah, he thought that you were the real deal.
I swear, I swear, I swear.
I thought you were just absolutely Leonard Nimoy.
Where were you guys? Yeah, we're doing a stakeout over there.
Do people tell you you look like Leonard Nimoy? People must say it every day.
Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, well, that's why I'm here in town.
I'm, like, a look-alike that does conventions.
"Star trek" conventions.
Okay, you were part right.
You were half right.
See, I was very No, it ain't him.
It ain't It's not Leonard Nimoy.
We got a camera crew and everything.
He's waving at us.
His name is Stu.
Yeah, stop waving at us.
We see you.
How you doing? Is that like that "cops" or something? Yeah, it's like a TV thing.
Like a vérité kind of Just heroes on patrol.
Do you think you can get us into this convention that's in town? Hey, yeah.
I think I can do it.
It's 75 bucks to get in.
I think what I could do for you guys is make sure Well, you know what I'll do is, like, I'll tell them 'Cause I get one.
I get one comp.
Can we just say we're with Stu? Say you're with Stu I'll get you the comp some way.
We can work that out.
What is that? That sounds like a leaf-blower.
Somebody's blowing leaves.
I think they should have an ordinance.
They did an ordinance, but I still see people with gas blowers out there, you know what I mean? Oh, I'll get you the comp some way instead of one.
Say we're looking for Stu, and then maybe we can get a beer or something, too? Yeah, I'd like that.
We can also show you Reno.
Reno can be a very fun town.
I feel like a celebrity or something.
Yeah, well, you look like one.
Good morning.
I'm, uh My name's Kevin Donnelly.
I'm moving in next door.
I just thought I'd come by and kind of tell you a little bit about myself.
I'm a, uh, divorced I'm looking in between jobs right now, somewhat of a foodie, a gourmand, a convicted sex offender.
I play I-I play chess not very well.
No, back up to the The other thing? Yeah, that's really why we're here.
I am a foodie, and so, I cook a lot No, no, no.
Don't be cute, Kevin.
Uh, I am a convicted sex offender, whatever that means.
Right.
The court has said that he needs to go around and get these signatures just to know just so It's total It's a formality.
It just says, "a" For your protection, ma'am.
In fairness, it's for both of our protection.
So, this sheet of paper basically says, you stay on your lawn, and I'll stay on mine.
No, that's not what the The piece of paper says you got a pervert moving into the neighborhood.
I feel like you're putting, uh, your spin on sex offenders.
I do not know if Clemmy's gonna be a good mom.
I think, uh, I think Clemmy having a little daughter is like a "Jerry Springer" episode just waiting to happen, but I do think that in 18 years, that is gonna be one hell of a tag team.
One hell of a tag team.
Whew.
Whoo-whoo! Hope I'm still around.
Yeah.
Whoo! Um How you doing? Hi, my name's Kevin.
I'm moving in next door.
I'm a "convicted sex offender.
" Can you sign this, please? Here's my thing.
I see the van.
I live right next door.
I don't want to have to be looking at your van parked in the driveway every time I get up.
You have a garage.
The city asked me to come by 'cause they're asking everybody, all my neighbors, to sign this.
And it's standard.
You know, it just says I'm moving in, you know that I'm moving in, 'cause I'm a convicted sex offender, and you're good with that, and so, uh And, you know, also, you can indicate your level of If you're psyched or not.
This might be You know, feel free to say no to this question What, uh What time do you get off? So, listen, um, you know, I brought you here because I had something important to ask you.
Um, you know I'm in kind of a spot right now.
And, uh, I got myself in a position where I really need some help.
And, um, I'm really kind of running out of options here.
I was just wondering if you had any interest in maybe marrying me and being the father of my child.
You know, so, how about it? Of course! Why didn't you ask me first? Oh, I was hoping you would ask! Oh, God! You heard what I asked you, right? Oh, I know, I know.
I was hoping you would ask.
Do you know how happy this will make my mother? No, that's a different No, that's more What's that thing? Highly illogical.
He is good.
I've never seen the show.
I've never seen the show.
UhGuess who's not having a baby! Hey! All right! Very good, very good.
I am not having a baby.
Man, that is so great.
Congratulations.
Isn't that great? It turns out it was just an abscess in my lady regions.
They drained it today.
Everything is cool.
I'm ready to drink.
Pete, gin and tonic for Clemmy.
Thanks, Pete.
Wow.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Hey, dangle, next time.
Next time.
Next time.
Next time.
Here's to Clemmy's giant cyst.
Yes, yes, thank you.
Hear, hear.
I had a I had a chocolate cyst removed, and they don't get it They can't get it all.
Okay.
Plus the gas that they have to shoot in your belly makes your belly distended for a while.
You're gonna be having some gas for a little while.
- Stu, I should explain.
- Wiegel's crazy.
Yeah.
Oh.
Get your weed, boy.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Early lead! No! Yes! Whoo! Ooh! Whoo! Sorry, mom.
I love you, mommy.
I love you! That's a game we used to play when I was little.
Watch this.
Watch this.
Find the sloppy Joe! Find the sloppy Joe! Yeah! Yeah! Good dog.
Good dog.
Stay there.
Wasn't hidden too hard, but, uh, he found it, though, right? Hey, good dog.
Mmm.
Oh, God.
No.
This shoulder's lower than this shoulder, right? Yeah, I can see that.
Yes, it is a little bit misaligned.
Oh, come on.
Let's not let's not see your scoliosis.
If you could come to my office in about an hour and a half, I'd be glad to give you a full workup.
Thank you.
I just had one two days ago, but you always got to be on top of it.
Did did your test Can it show if an adult woman is retarded?