Resident Alien (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Resident Alien" Where did you say you actually saw the alien, again? You can read about that in the book I'm writing.
You killed him? Those aren't our orders! Looks like you and I have different orders.
Hi.
My son ran out of your office a few days ago.
He told me you're an alien.
He even convinced the deputy to draw this.
You want to make fun of me, too? No.
Because I believe you.
- Hey, hey.
- Hi! You guys want some? Those are Sam's.
This prescription was written after he died.
Jay? When I was 16, I got pregnant.
I gave the baby up for adoption.
There's another dead body.
That foot belongs to the guy I killed.
Why are you on my beach? Rest of that body's got to be out there somewhere.
We're searching this entire lake.
Hey! Hey! Got a package, Harry.
Huh? No Ah.
Evidently I dream now.
Ah.
All right, up and down here.
This disruption is infuriating and very disrespectful.
How am I supposed to sleep or bury the dead guy in my freezer with all these people out here? All right, let's pick up the pace.
We got to get this stuff out of here before the snow hits.
This body needs ten hours of sleep to function, and your domesticated wolf woke it up before even six hours.
Well, it must suck to get so much sleep and still look like shit.
Sorry, Dr.
V.
We moved our search to the shore.
We strongly believe the body washed up on the beach.
How do you know that? Because I can feel it in my balls.
Well, and I checked the currents.
So the currents and the sheriff's balls.
Currents aren't always accurate, and you shouldn't trust your balls.
They're nuts.
Ha ha, ha! I made a joke! Ha ha ha! I made a joke! What shit is that? What a lonely species.
Not only did humans invent dogs for companionship, they insist on gathering together in groups to eat food.
All I need is an empty room, a spoon, and a pie.
Good news.
We are getting closer to finding a new town doctor.
I mean, nothing for sure yet.
I just I didn't want you to think that I forgot.
- You're still sitting with me.
- Yep.
So I also wanted to ask you what you are doing tonight.
I was thinking of chopping up the body in my freezer.
Spring cleaning.
Ah, well, Kate and I would really like to have you over for dinner.
I have food at my house.
Look, um we all know that Max has been having a hard time with the whole "you're an alien" thing.
Oh.
Bless you.
Um, we just thought that maybe if he could see you in a more comfortable setting like our home, he might not freak out anymore.
So we're having you over for dinner, and I'm not taking "no" for an answer.
- What do you say? - No.
Na-na-na-na-na! And, uh, I heard nothing.
And I will take your silence as a "yes.
" And see you at 6:00.
Whoa.
Little early, don't you think? Honestly, come on.
But I'm down if you're down.
These are the pills from the party.
They were dated after Sam died.
That means someone who was there last night was connected to Sam's stolen prescription pad.
Hmm.
Jay.
Obviously.
No.
She wouldn't do that.
I'm just saying, she's 16, so she's at least part idiot.
I mean, we did tons of crazy shit when we were 16.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mostly you.
- Me? - Eh Oh, I'm pretty sure that you're the one that stole Greg Smith's tractor.
You kidnapped Len Peazy's fish and sent a ransom note.
How about "ceiling fan Olympics"? - Oh! - Drunk ice diving.
Sharpie tear drop tattoo.
Jimmy.
You win.
The mayor asked me to come to his house tonight for dinner.
I need you to go so you can talk to them and I can sit alone.
That's a little weird, and I'm busy.
I have to help my dad make a cake - for my niece's birthday.
- Mm.
Maybe D'arcy would like to go.
I mean, I cou I can't.
I-I'm just I'm not free except for from 5:00 to midnight, so when is it? - 6:00 p.
m.
- Oh.
Well, there you go.
It's right in there.
Yeah, so you're lucky I'm free.
I wasn't going to pay you.
That would make you a prostitute.
Yeah, I like him.
- Morning.
- Hey.
Oh.
I thought you could use the help.
Mm.
Thank you.
- Sorry about last night.
- Mm-mm.
I don't know what got into me.
Nope.
No need to explain.
I don't think there's a house in Patience I haven't partied at.
Really? You know, me and D'arcy used to do a lot of dumb shit.
Is it true she got a speeding ticket on a stolen tractor? Yeah.
Also, I stole beer for a guy from a gas station I worked at.
You ever do anything like that? What? Nothing.
I'm just There were some pills that were being passed around at the party last night, and I think that maybe they were prescribed from that missing pad.
Are you being serious right now? What? You think I stole them? No! Not like not like that.
- Like what, then? - What's going on? She thinks I stole the missing prescription pad.
Why would you ask her that? See, even he thinks you're crazy.
Of course she stole it.
Statistically speaking it was you.
- I didn't say it.
- This is ridiculous.
- Look, I wasn't - Unbelievable.
Harry.
No, that is not yours.
Mm.
Max, honey.
Can you come in here? Cookies.
This must be bad.
Your dad and I have something we want to talk to you about.
I knew this day was gonna come, and I just want you to know I'm okay with it.
You are? Yeah.
I'll live with Dad Monday to Wednesday and every other weekend, and I'm with Mom on Thanksgivings, 'cause she can cook turkey.
Wait, wait.
You think that we're getting a divorce? It's okay.
Love is fleeting.
Honey, we aren't getting a divorce.
We just want to tell you that Dr.
Vanderspeigle is coming to dinner tonight.
What? No! Why can't you just be getting a divorce? Max for Sahar.
Come in, Sahar.
Over.
Sahar here.
Over.
I just wanted to say goodbye.
My life is over.
Over.
What do you mean, "It's over-over"? Over.
My parents invited the alien over for dinner, so I'm dead soon.
This is great news! What? We talked about wanting to get into his cabin to look around, right? I've got a plan.
Over.
What are they cooking for dinner? Actually, don't tell me.
I want it to be a surprise.
Maybe it's surf and turf.
She's clueless.
She has no idea this dinner will just be a kid screaming and throwing food at me.
Dr.
Vanderspeigle! How good to see you! Mm, smells like meatloaf.
It's just turf, but I'll take it.
It's like I've always known - Can you put the wine on the table? - Yep.
- D'arcy, I - Hello! I'm I'm so glad you came! - Oh! - You are.
Honey, you didn't tell me Harry was bringing a date.
Well, I had no idea.
This is a date? Uh, pump the brakes.
We just met.
But, yes, this is a thing now.
He said it was a date first before I did, and now he's like, "Which is it?" Which is crazy because he's very into me.
Welcome.
We're just so happy that you joined us.
Yes.
Uh, deviled eggs? His pockets are empty.
No house keys.
Over.
He probably uses mind control to unlock doors.
Or he can shape shift his fingers into a key.
- Over.
- What are we gonna do? Over.
I don't know.
Over.
- Think! Over.
- Thinking! Over.
Check his truck.
Over.
Shoot! Sorry, Allah.
Max, dinner's ready.
Well, this is nice.
Isn't this nice, Max? Yep.
I'm having a great time.
What is this little shitbag up to? So, uh, Dr.
Vanderspeigle, um Actually, you know what? I'm just I'm gonna call you Harry.
I mean, we're all friends here, right? - Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
So, Harry, tell us a little bit about yourself.
Where are you from? New York City.
- Mm! Oh, my God.
- Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
I've always wanted to live there.
What is it like? New York has It has law.
And it has order.
Mm.
There are police who investigate the crimes, and there are district attorneys who - prosecute the offenders.
- Mm-hmm.
It has women who have sex in the city.
Hot.
Uh well, um after Max goes off to college, Ben and I are going to move there.
- Really? - News to me.
Oh, I just thought you would want to try something new.
I mean, you've lived here since you were a kid.
We've both lived here since, like, forever.
Hey, Max, I've known your dad since we were both younger than you.
How about that? What are you, like, 13? - He's nine.
- Oh! Kindergartener.
- Right? - Mm, fourth grade.
- Whatever.
- Yep.
- You're cute.
- Yeah.
D'arcy and I sat right next to each other in Miss Philworth's class.
- Oh.
Mrs.
Philworth.
- Mm.
She was a farty-party.
Remember that? It's like It was horrible.
D'arcy, I had no idea you two were so close growing up.
Oh, yeah, I mean, in fact, Ben Benny was my first kiss.
Benny never mentioned that.
- I'm sure I did at some point.
- Nope.
You didn't.
- Huh.
- Yeah.
It was the last year of fifth grade.
Very romantic.
As I recall, I don't think we ever officially broke up.
Oh, my God, this whole time, I've been cheating on you with Kate.
- How dare you? - I don't know! I'm gonna get more salad.
More wine, too.
You bitch.
Be right back.
- Right on that.
- Mm.
Mr.
Henderson Yeah, I'd like to get a refund Great.
Line of old people and the po-po.
You cut in front of that little girl.
What are you talking about? I'm with you.
We buying evidence bags.
This is official sheriff's business.
You're buying a Hot Wheels car.
This isn't just a Hot Wheel.
This is a '65 Mustang.
What am I supposed to do, not buy it? Then, what, some kid buys it, they take it home, and playing with it in their driveway, the thing goes out into the street.
They run after it, the next thing you know, a city bus plows right into 'em.
Not on my watch.
Mm-mm.
- He collects them.
- Don't talk to me.
I'm buying tampons, and I'm embarrassed about it.
Okay, put in your PIN.
Well, the dinner's a success, huh? Isn't it great how well Max and the doctor are getting along? I just think it's a little weird you never told me you made out with D'arcy.
I mean, what, did you think I'd be mad or something? Mad, you? What? No.
It's just it's not a big deal.
It was fifth grade.
It is so cool that you guys bought your parents' house.
Oh, yeah, yep.
Uh, we are very lucky.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Just like remember when we were sitting on the couch that one time, dreaming about how this could be our house one day? Oh, yeah, yeah.
A million years ago.
Wow, that is looking ahead for a fifth grader.
Mm.
Yeah, this was in tenth grade.
We dated in tenth grade, too.
- Really? - Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Taught this guy everything he knows.
Well not not everything.
Yes! You're welcome, okay? - I'm gonna grab this.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
- Mm.
- Hmm.
What are you doing? Why are you being so nice to me? I've tried to kill you two times.
Wait.
Cut your head off with a bone saw, tried to kill you in your sleep, cut your brakes so that you'd die in traffic.
Three times.
I've tried to kill you three times.
- You didn't mean it.
- Yes.
Yeah no, I did.
I looked forward to it.
I was even planning on eating some of you to see what humans tasted like.
You know what? I think I'd do the same thing if I were an alien.
I'll be we taste like pot roast.
More potatoes? You keep tapping those hands, you're gonna lose 'em.
Max, come on back.
We're finishing dessert.
Well, it was so nice having you here.
You should take home some leftovers.
I'll take the rest of the cookies and these seven bananas.
Wait.
They can't leave yet.
I want to show them my solar system! Oh, I don't know, honey.
It's it's getting late.
Please? Well, you know, maybe maybe just quickly.
I mean, they're getting along so well.
Come on, yeah.
Who doesn't love a show-and-tell? Probably need a nightcap, though, if we're gonna do that.
Kate-O, top me off? Come on! Come on! Love you, girl.
New York City.
There you go.
And me and my dad made it together.
Isn't it great? Actually, yes.
It's pretty accurate.
Yeah, he even used tiny marbles for the two moons of Mars.
That's not a moon, that's a transit station.
The blue one is Uranus, - in case you didn't know.
- Oh, yeah.
I heard a lot of assholes live there.
I told a joke earlier, too.
The sheriff's balls are also his nuts.
Okay, I you know, I think it's probably time - for us to go to bed - No, no, no! He can't go yet! I want to read them my book report about "The Giver"! - Ooh! - Ooh.
I'm game.
I love "The Giver.
" Bit of a giver, myself.
"And using his gift to see beyond, "he finds a sled and rides it down to a Christmas house.
The end.
" - Mm.
Ha.
- Hmm.
Wow.
- Incredible story.
- All right.
I think it is past somebody's bedtime.
Maybe two people's.
Harry, it was so lovely having you.
And, D'arcy, you were here, too.
- Mm, yes.
- Yeah.
Let's do this again sometime soon.
Yeah.
When exactly? - I know, you too.
- Yeah.
- Don't go! - Mm! Let him go, buddy, now.
- All right.
- Max, now.
Now.
Ben, could you take him, please? - Come on.
- Oh! Okay.
See you around, sister wife.
Come on, girl.
Mm.
Mm.
Okay.
I'm starting to think the kid's not faking.
He actually likes me.
And why wouldn't he? I'm a likable alien.
Yes! It's too soon to say goodbye This is your home.
Are you gonna kiss me? I've seen this on TV.
- I can do this.
- Mm I'm just saying, it's a shame to part Mm.
It's too soon to say goodbye Don't you know I'm not the kind Tie you up or tie you down It's it's not the worst kiss I've ever had.
It's rigor mortis! My penis is dying! Hey, you're early.
Your grandmother called.
Her back's hurting again.
You think we can bring her one of those steroid shots like Sam used to give her? Um, sure, although we need a doctor to administer the shot.
And Harry's on call this afternoon.
- So he can just go with us.
- I don't want him to go.
I don't want to go.
Well, I don't want men to act like children.
So I guess none of us get what we want.
Excuse me.
Take note.
We got no body yet, but this lake definitely is holding some clues.
Now, all of these items here, this here, this could all be linked to the death.
And don't forget this.
Yeah, I don't think so, deputy.
Sir, a doorknob in the lake That's not exactly normal.
Normal? Oh, okay.
Let me ask you something.
Pop quiz, deputy.
Can a boat sink? - Yes.
- Is a houseboat a boat? - Yep.
- Houseboats have doors? - Mm-hmm.
- Do doors have knobs? Yeah.
See? Completely common to find a doorknob in a lake.
Write that down.
Cletus know that.
Don't you, boy? You know that, don't you? Yes, you do! Who's my favorite deputy? - - Who's the best deputy in the world? You are! You're the cutest deputy! What are you doing with those paws? Hmm.
This is interesting.
I've never experienced this before.
Nobody is talking.
Apparently you can be with other humans and still be alone.
I like it.
I can feel the happiness welling up inside me.
I need to pee.
That cowboy's a pretty good writer.
He was a pretty good writer.
And then you killed him.
You remember? Don't look at me.
According to the local paper, it was a simple robbery.
I hear violence is up in America's rural areas.
Hmm.
What's wrong with you? Our orders are to find the alien that crashed, not to go around murdering people! Our orders are to deliver an alien to the general without anyone knowing about it.
So, yeah, things are gonna get messy.
I mean, you're acting as if we can just sit here and the alien's going to come to us.
Let me sum this up for you.
I'm eliminating anything that gets in the way of this mission which might be you if you don't stop whining.
So shut the fuck up.
Do you shiver when you pee? Sometimes.
Good.
Oh! It's This is good.
Hey, they're here! - Hi.
- Welcome.
- Hi.
- Auntie Asta.
Mwah! I'm so happy to see you.
- Hi, Uncle.
- Hi, guys! Hi, sweetie.
Oh, the little man, he's getting so big.
I know.
Oh, you remember Harry from the clinic.
He's been helping since Sam's passing.
He's gonna help with Grandma's back.
- Oh, I'm so sorry about Sam.
- Yeah.
Nice to have you, Harry.
I had no choice.
She forced me to come.
I like this one.
Let me know if you want something to drink.
I have soda, juice.
We have some fancy water that tastes like static.
Do you have any milk that comes from a cow's teat? Wow.
He takes some getting used to.
- Happy to have you, Harry.
- This is my husband, Shane.
Mm.
Welcome, Harry.
I see now it's not the food that brings humans together.
It's each other.
There is a basic human need to feel like you belong.
It feels good.
Gee, I thought you guys got lost on your walk here.
Sorry, Mom.
We had to stop at the bathroom.
Whose tiny bladder? Gram, this is Dr.
Vanderspeigle.
He's gonna give you your shot.
I know you liked Sam, but you're in good hands with Harry.
Of course I am.
I've never met a white man I couldn't trust! Hmm.
Let me help you up.
Pull it over to the curb.
What the heck? Follow my lead.
Keep your hands on the handlebars where I can see 'em.
Do you know why I pulled you over? - Speed? - Boredom? Took a left turn back there without using your hand signals.
What the heck are you kids doing so far out of town, anyway, huh? We heard Bigfoot was on the loose.
Bigfoot What you talking about? Everybody know that damn Bigfoot up in Seattle.
That's Sorry about cussing just then.
I try not to do that shit around kids.
It's okay.
I'm not allowed to say the D word or the S word, but I can hear them without getting in trouble.
That's cool.
I do like the fact that you kids are outdoors and not stuck inside with your face glued to some screen.
That's good.
All right.
Y'all go have fun.
Be safe.
Get that reflector fixed and get yourself some all-weather tires, and next time, you use your hand signals.
You know how the saying goes, right? If you don't use your arms to signal, a truck'll rip 'em right off.
True story.
All right, be safe.
I can say the D word.
Damn.
Cool.
I have one rule in here.
That's if you're gonna start drinking, you have to make sure your gun isn't loaded.
Oh, I'm fine.
Just one of those days where you question whether you deserve to exist.
And you're gonna need something stronger than lemonade.
When you were in the Olympics, do you know where I was? In home ec learning to sew? The day you skied for the gold medal, I was sitting right here in this same stool.
It was packed.
Everyo I mean, everyone in town was in here cheering you on.
Well, thanks, Liv.
I'm sorry all I brought back is a shattered leg.
Are you kidding? You're one of the best damn skiers to ever come out of Colorado.
It was so long ago.
I forget that I ever did anything, you know? You put Patience on the map.
How many people can say that? I've never been that good at anything.
Is this a Sheriff Mike spiral again? You had a whole country cheering for you.
And I just need one person, just one.
He makes me feel so dumb.
Listen, you are the best cop Patience has ever had.
You're the only cop I've ever met that people are actually excited to see.
You treat everybody fairly.
And you always do the right thing.
So do right by yourself and go stand up to that power trip.
Trust me, you're the best thing that's ever happened to him.
If he can't see that, then that's his loss.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Jesus.
D'arce, I'm on duty.
Yeah, me too.
Started at 11:00, so Let's get this show on the road, Doc.
I've got a tail feather to shake.
You literally can't walk.
Can someone put this one in time-out? She keeps me prisoner in here.
Maybe it's for our own good.
Hey, Dan, give me that belt so I can whip ya.
Jeez, Mom.
Go ahead, I'm tough.
We're done.
Whew.
You should feel some numbness, but in about 15 minutes, you should feel good enough to whip Dan.
Well, I can laugh without pain.
That's a good sign.
You're here to do good things, my boy.
I can tell.
Oh, come here.
- Okay.
- Gonna go.
It's about time you have one of your own, honey.
I don't know about all that, Gram.
She already has one of her own.
A 16-year-old girl named Jay.
- What? - What? Jay at the clinic.
That's Asta's daughter.
It's very obvious you have the same facial structures, and you both eat like you're starving to death.
I'm I'm sorry.
Ah! Ah! And they both run out of rooms when they get emotional.
You're easy to find but a pain in the ass to get to.
How bad did I mess this one up? Well you gave up your kid, only to stalk her till she was old enough to work for you.
You haven't told your dad that he's been serving pancakes to his granddaughter.
And Jay's probably been wondering her whole life who she is, only to be staring at you in the face every day at work.
That's pretty bad.
I'm not gonna lie.
You kept up a really big secret, and it's gonna hurt a lot of people when it comes out.
I couldn't take care of her.
I was just a kid, myself.
I know.
You made a really difficult decision at a really young age.
And I admire that about you.
- You do? - Yeah.
You put Jay's needs ahead of your own.
And that's exactly what a mother does.
Okay.
- Oh, man! - That's all right.
- Over here! - Box him out! - Got it! - Oh! - Over here.
- Here you go! My bad, bro.
Can you toss that ball back to us? Over here! - Whoa! - Damn, Harry! Can you hoop? Hoop! Come on! - You got to dribble.
- Do it, come on.
What are you doing, bro? Shoot or pass the ball! I'm on your team! I'm wide open! Ball hog.
Shh.
Take this.
Oh.
What does this guy eat? How could you not tell me Jay was the girl? Why would I? You wouldn't understand.
You wanted me out the second that you knew I was pregnant.
Is that what you tell yourself? You left, Asta.
No one ever told you to go.
You hated Jimmy.
Well, I hated the way he treated you.
And then you just ran off with him.
You know, we all expected a baby to come home with you that day.
It wasn't any of your business what I did with her.
You were 16! Of course it was my business.
What was I supposed to do? Take my baby to class? Raise her in Jimmy's bedroom at his mom's house? You know look around you.
We all would've been there for you, especially me.
I couldn't do that to you.
You already raised one child that wasn't your own.
I didn't want mine to be one more problem for you.
Who wants cake? Are we gonna be okay? Even when we're not okay, we'll always be okay.
Wow.
Maybe these are parts of his ship.
Check this out.
There must be something in this freezer.
Why else would it be locked? Sahar! No! - Come on! Hey! - Over here, over here! Hoop! Hoop! Goal! Hoop! Hoop! You just scored for the other team! How are they still running? Are they cyborgs? I am done.
Tired.
Come on, man.
We're still playing.
Oh, come on! Where you going, bro? We need you on D! Harry! I am overheating.
Is this how it ends? Home.
My sun hasn't changed since I've been on Earth.
It's still 46 light-years away.
But it feels different.
It feels closer like a single string could pull me up from my chest to the sky.
The boys said you couldn't hang.
They are incredible specimens.
Hmm.
My dad says that the stars in the Big Dipper are seven brothers shot into the sky like arrows.
Am I supposed to apologize? You could.
I'm sorry for telling your secret about Jay.
You did us a favor.
I miss home.
Do you have family there? A wife.
She died.
So I took a job that brought me here.
I want to go home.
I belong there.
I'm sorry.
That's so sad.
Yes.
It is now.
Everyone needs to belong to something bigger than themselves.
Yes, there is strength in numbers, but maybe it's simpler.
Maybe humans just feel better when they know they are not alone on this Earth.
We them bougie natives Hold my knowledge in my braids We them bougie natives New cedar, new sweetgrass, new sage - We them bougie natives - Bougie natives.
Look, snow goonie from the boonies Not the type you see in movies Felt the spirit living through me Since I was a puny dookie Neechie, neechie, lookie, lookie - How I get low when I boogie - What? Don't mind me some goodie-goodies I'm Nate and bougie My wifey be the wolf And I'm the wolf that's from the sea And she no Pocahontas More like Buffy Saint Marie Come do your dance with me - Sheriff - Ah-gah-ah! Kids, it's past your bedtime.
Oh, no.
They're still alive.
How did you get in here? The door was locked.
I have a key.
I am still your wife.