Retired at 35 (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

I'm in! Three Lipitor, gave it to you.
I see your Lipitor, and I will raise you three Plavics, two Flomax, and one extra strength Excedrin.
Whoa, someone's come to play.
Richard? Ok boys, I will see your Lipitor and I am going to the bank, all in! Too rich for my bloodtype.
- Fold.
- Ha, fold.
Oh, thank God.
I had nothin'.
I even threw in my little blue ones, and tomorrow's my anniversary.
[Knock at door.]
Hi, guys.
What's going on? Gambling for medication? It's all right.
If anybody loses anything they really need, we give it back.
Or the generic equivalent.
So David, I just got my new place fixed up, and I wanna have you over for dinner tonight.
Oh, thanks.
So nice, mom.
Tonight doesn't work for David.
Tonight is poker night.
But you were just playing poker.
This is the warm-up game.
Tonight we have the big boys game at the club house.
It's a 500 milligram buy-in.
How does that involve David? Well, David's the hot new kid in town.
Tell her your nickname.
They call me The Celebrex Kid.
Congratulations.
Fine.
We'll do it tomorrow night.
No good.
I'm taking my boy to the ball game.
It's dollar hot dog night.
Alan, you're with him constantly.
Is it too much to ask to have my son for dinner one night? Yeah, you know what, dad? Mom's right.
So I'll hang with you tonight, and you can take Richard to the game tomorrow night.
- All right, fine.
- Oh, thank you.
I can't believe I have to fight like this to be with my son.
After all, I am his mother, the woman who gave up cigarettes and alcohol for nine months for him.
Three, tops.
Well, that was great, mom.
Thanks.
It's been a while since I had a home-cooked meal.
I'm glad you liked it.
You okay over at your dad's? You look tired.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I mean, I haven't been sleeping that well.
Is it because you quit your job in New York, moved down here, and now don't know what to do with your life? Because that would keep me up too.
No.
It's just a little tough, sleeping on the pull-out in the spare room.
Which is weird, because you'd think a 3-inch mattress resting on a metal bar would be more comfortable.
Come here.
I have something to show you.
MomWhat did you do? I made you a room.
I thought you might want to stay over here once in a while.
I even sprung for the pillow top.
Mom, you didn't have to do that! Nonsense! I want you to be comfortable.
Go on, try it out.
All right, but mom, really, you didn't have to.
I mean, I don't need Oh, sweet Barney.
This is fantastic! Don't move a muscle.
I'll bring dessert in here.
[Breathlessly.]
Okay.
[Doorbell rings.]
Hello, Elaine.
Oh, hi, guys.
What are you doing here? Ball game ended and we were walking off hot dog night.
We caught a foul ball at the game, I wanted to show it to David.
It's 11:30.
Where is he? Well, he's relaxing in his new room on his new bed.
It's fantastic.
It's a pillow top.
Wait.
You made him a room and got him a bed? - Yeah.
- Well, that's kind of a waste.
I mean, he has a bed at home.
You mean that terrible sofa bed? It's a great bed! I bought it from the pullout king of Sarasota, who, ironically, has eight children.
Mind if we say hi? Oh, he fell asleep.
Isn't he so sweet when he's sleeping? Yes, it's very peaceful.
Grab his feet, we'll carry him home.
- On it! You two let him be! But he's got all his stuff at my place.
What will he wear in the morning? I bought him underwear and t-shirts, and jammies and a toothbrush.
Now, come on, you two.
Out.
Let him sleep! This ball's from me.
Not your mother.
From me.
All right.
Thanks for coming by! Tell David the ball fairy was here.
Will do.
Bye.
Bed, toothbrush, undies, jammies.
You have a custody battle on your hands here.
Yep.
What are you gonna do about it? The only thing I know how to do.
I'm goin' all-in.
Morning, dad.
Hey, son.
Hey.
So mom said you came by last night.
Man, I was totally out cold.
Yeah.
When someone falls asleep like that around here, a crowd gathers.
Sorry I didn't call or anything.
No problem.
So you're not mad.
Give me a little credit, David, I am not a petty man.
Dad, what is this? It's your new bed.
Dad, you didn't have to do this.
The pullout is fine and Oh, my God, it's like lying on a thousand puppies.
And this puppy is adjustable.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
It ain't no crappy pillow top.
Okay, listen.
Is this a competition between you and mom now? Because I'm telling you, if it is, I refuse to participate.
Competition.
Please.
Your mother and I would never sink that low.
Wow! Flat-screen tv? Wow A 3-d tv.
Wow! A pinball machine! So what's the problem? Your parents are trying to buy your love with expensive gifts.
Embrace it.
My parents, on the other hand, moved last year, and didn't tell me.
The problem is that no matter which one I'm with, I feel guilty.
I'm watching a 3-d movie with my dad the other day, and I feel like I'm cheating on my mom! You're over-complicating this.
You just have to ask yourself which parent you love more.
That's crazy.
I love them both equally for different reasons.
Okay, fine, Gandhi.
A gunman has both of your parents.
He says to you, "David" The gunman knows your name in this scenario.
He says, "David, you have a decision to make.
" "I'm gonna kill either your mom or your dad.
" "If you don't choose one, I'm gonna kill both of them.
" Who do you make him kill? What kind of sicko would make me do that? He's a gunman, David.
He's all kinds of sick.
Will you stop it? [Singsong.]
Hey [Chuckles.]
Can you believe those new uniforms? They're awesome! Can you believe these new uniforms? They're awful.
This is the owner's big idea, so the bar can make more money.
Well, if it helps, a man named George Washington says, "Hello.
" There's plenty more where that came from, I just broke a dollar.
Look, Jessica, I agree with you, exploiting a woman's body is just wrong, but you look fantastic, really.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, how come when he says it, it's okay? Because David knows how to talk to a woman without making her reach for her pepper spray.
[Cell phone rings.]
Uh, hold on.
Uh, it's my dad.
Hey, dad.
Hey, David.
So I got hockey tickets for later, right up on the glass.
If we're lucky, we can catch a tooth.
You in? Uh, ye [Beep.]
You know what, hold on, dad.
I have a call.
Hold on.
Hello? David, hi.
I thought maybe later we'd take a road trip to Miami.
Are you up for that? We could go club hopping.
I'll Duke the door guy.
We can get bottle service.
Gee wow, you know, that that actually I mean, it sounds great, mom, [beep.]
But the only sorry.
Mom, hold on just a second.
I have another call.
Hello.
So do you have an answer about tonight? Tonight.
Right.
Uh You know, dad, I just don't know what I'm doin' yet.
It's not that complicated, David.
Hockey game Yes or no.
[Cell phone rings.]
- Hello.
- Brandon, put David on.
Just a second.
David, it's your mom.
- Hello? - So David Miami, yes or no? David, hello! - Hello! - Okay, mom, dad, family meeting tonight, 6:00 at dad's place.
Got it? So no hockey? - No bottle service? - Family meeting! Could have said good-bye.
Could have said good-bye.
I love you both equally, and I appreciate all the gifts, I really do.
But this has to stop, okay? It's getting a little childish.
- She started it.
- Did not.
- Did too.
- Did not! - Did too! - Okay.
What is really going on here? I want to spend time with my son.
Well, you should have thought of that before you ran off to Portugal and left me.
So this is what that's about? I didn't leave him.
I left you.
And I came back.
Right.
And just because you came back, doesn't mean you can steal him.
Steal my own son? If you'll remember, I'm the one who raised him, while you were out doing God knows what.
It's called working.
And all those golf tournaments? - It's called "networking".
- And all the trips to Vegas? It's called "not working.
" Okay.
You know what, this is great.
We-we're talking.
But let's stay on point, and the point is I'm a 35-year-old man, and you're fighting over me like I'm eight.
You're just gonna have to learn to share.
How 'bout this, how 'bout this I'll stay with dad one day and then mom the next.
We can alternate days for a while.
- Sounds fair.
- No.
No? Alan, you've had him for a bunch of days in a row.
I think the fair thing is that I get him for a whole week right up front.
Then we can alternate.
A whole week? Sounds good to me.
Are we agreed? - I guess we're agreed.
- Agreed.
- And no more gifts.
- No more gifts.
[Beep beep.]
I got the Vespa! Take it back, Richard.
We've reached a truce.
Backing up.
Enjoying your magazine, honey? Oh, yeah, yeah.
How 'bout you? Great.
Every month, I read my House Beautiful.
Hey, where does the phrase "mind your Ps and Qs" come from? It's just it's in this article, it's kind of a weird phrase.
You know, your grandma always used to say that to me.
I never understood what it meant then either.
Think I'm gonna look it up later.
I love how you're interested in things like that.
Honey, can you please take your feet off the table? Oh, yeah.
No problem.
I don't mean to nag you, it's just that I have my things here, and I like them a certain way.
Sure.
I see you got some cheese puffs.
Lots of orange powder.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, and I crunched it up on the bottom of the bowl to make it even more powdery, yeah.
It just makes them taste better.
You want some? I'm good.
Okay.
Would you like a napkin? No, I'm good.
I'll get you a napkin.
Okay.
That'd be great.
Oh, hey, and while you're up, can you get the raisinets out of the microwave? I melt them a little bit to make them taste better.
How imaginative.
Hey, big guy.
I know you were all alone last night.
- How'd ya do? - Not good.
- Not good? - Great! I love being alone! - Really? - Last night was great.
I had the whole place to myself! - Ooh! What's that like? - Fantastic.
- No small talk.
- No toilet flushes when you're in the shower.
Last night I watched the weather channel.
Completely in the buff! Wish I could have been here.
I mean, just to witness the happiness not the nakedness.
You know, my whole life, I've lived with people, and I'll tell ya something.
People are vastly overrated.
I always say that.
Turns out I'm a lone wolf! Who knew? You see, this is why we're friends, you and I.
We are two lone wolves! Together.
But alone.
[Cell phone rings.]
With a wife, who can always sense when I'm having a good time.
Listen, I gotta go.
You gonna be all right, lone wolf? Ow-ow-awoo! Ow-ow-awoo! Huh.
Hmm.
Ha ha! What is it, David? Oh, oh, it's nothing It's just another phrase that you and I enjoy.
This one is "laughing all the way to the bank".
I mean, really, if you're laughing, and you're on your way to the bank, aren't you just calling attention to yourself? Shouldn't the muggers look for the laughing people? Honey, silence is golden.
Okay, that one I get.
Do you? - Mom? - What, dear? Is my hot chocolate ready yet? Almost.
Well, don't forget the whipped cream! [Mimicking.]
"Don't forget the whipped cream!" Mom! Mom.
- Mom! - What is it, David? Anybody out there? Nope! Ow-ow-awoo! Ha ha ha! David, stop that and clean up your mess.
[Vacuum stops.]
Mm.
What's up, mom? Stop that and clean up your mess.
Okay.
Can I do it right after I finish my snack? Sure, honey.
There you go! [Vacuum stops.]
There.
All done.
[Machine thumping, bell dinging.]
- David! - Just a second, mom.
David, it's 2:00 in the morning! Yeah, but I almost got my high score, mom! Ha ha ha! Mom! Why'd you pull the plug? Feel free to do the same thing to me in 20 years.
[Knock at door.]
- Alan.
- Well, hi, Elaine! Take him back.
- Who? - David.
He's killing me, you have to take him back.
Take him back? If the constant demands don't kill me, the constant observations will.
Why do people say "laughing all the way to the bank"? "Shouldn't the muggers just look for the laughing people?" Who cares! Bloom off the rose? I love him very much, but if you don't have him moved back in, he and I are going on a car ride to the Everglades, and only one of us is coming back! But you wanted him, you fought for him.
I did.
But I'm too old to be the full-time mother of a 35-year-old.
I've gotten a routine.
I like it.
I miss it! I need it.
Truth be told, I liked it too.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? Absolutely nothing.
Nothing at all.
Okay.
I think I see what's happening here.
Dad, you miss me, and mom, you don't wanna let me go.
Well, that's okay.
I can go back and forth for a little while, a rolling stone gathers no moss.
By the way, how do they know that? Has a stone that's rolling ever had moss on it? Alan.
Fine.
I'll take him one day a week.
One day? That's just not enough! Calm down, dad Wait.
One day a week? Two, and that's my final offer.
Three, Alan.
It's only fair.
- What are you guys doing? - Fine.
Three days a week.
- And I'll take him three.
- Wait a minute.
Are you arguing over who gets to have me less? What about Sundays? Sundays he's on his own.
Really? - Yep.
- Yes, dear.
Really? Okay, well, let me tell you something.
Between the naked tv watching, and the vacuuming up of snack foods, you guys are no picnic either.
Oh, yeah, dad.
I've walked in on ya.
- Think he'll be okay? - It's Sunday, we'll worry about it tomorrow.
So let me get this straight.
You had it all, and you lost it.
You know what really gets my goat? They're not that easy to live with either, right? Especially my mom.
"David, get your feet off the table.
" "David, stop playing pinball at 2:00 in the morning.
" "David, stop that and clean up your mess.
" Pinball, Vespa, 3-d tv? You're like a rapper who got hit by the IRS.
All right, guys, closing time.
- I'm all done.
- Hey, listen, Jessica.
Since it's Sunday and I really don't have anyplace to stay, I just I really appreciate you helping me out.
No problem.
Glad to help.
Just try to be out by morning.
I'd let you crash with me, but I sleep on top of my parents' garage.
Oh, I didn't know they had a room up there.
They don't.