Retrograde (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Dylan, this is hot Alan.
What happened to Marco?
Yeah, no, we broke up.
Yeah
Uh
Sorry, Alan. What are you doing?
I thought you said
you were down to play.
(LAUGHS)
Into group sex.
That was wild.
Not as wild as you looking after
a kid, though, Madhuri.
Why do you even care?
It's complicated.
Who's Dylan?
Go back to sleep.
No!
She's never let anyone put her
to sleep except me or her mum.
How'd you do it?
Um magic.
I think you're pretty magical.
Yeah, she is.
(COMPUTER BLEEPS)
(SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYS)
RAMSAY: Mum's at four bars again.
Holler for our party tonight.
Don't you cunts go
fuckin' up feminism.
Do ya hear me, Maddie?
You think Maddie's
gonna wanna see Ramsay
in your Bonnie Tyler
or my Diana Ross?
Um, Diana Ross, obvi.
(CHUCKLES)
Get a room.
How about a three-way
with Diana Ross?
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) Ew!
Right now, now
Now
Right now
Soon the Earth
may dissolve like smoke
We'll meet again in the air
All bound to glow
Now
Now
Right now
Now
Right ♪
(GASPS) Ahhh! Your costume!
Oh, my God, your feminism!
Babe, those eyes!
Oh, look at those gloves.
Oh, you mean this?
Ha-ha! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!
What? Huh? What? Huh?
What? What? What?
Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh!
Calling Egypt.
Soz, Cleopatra now resides
in Brisbane.
(BOTH LAUGH)
How are we this good?!
Bitch, we brown!
That's how we be so damn good!
What do you think
Iz is gonna come as?
Hillary, Julia, or Jacinda?
Oh, yawn. Bring on the pants-suit.
Be an ally to our feminism party,
not a mean girl.
Yeah, but mean girls dress better.
That's true. You're so fetch.
(GASPS) Let's drink, Regina!
Oh, busted!
Oh!
I am not above the comfort
of the silver pillow.
Mmm.
Oh.
What? What is it?
I applied for this award thingy
before Travel Bug was swatted.
Oh, and did you come first?
Mm-hm, I always do, darling.
(BOTH GASP)
"Dear Madhuri Mishra.
"Congratulations,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
"We have some good news
in these uncertain times.
"You have been awarded
the Emerging Female Leader
"in the Asia-Pacific Tourism Awards!"
Ahhh!
Ahh!
Holy tourism!
Yes!
Suck on that, COVID!
See, something good can emerge
from you after all.
I have to tell Rob.
I'm gonna invite him in.
He's at his ex's.
Great!
Invite my favourite
non-Crazy Rich Asian.
Rob is not not crazy, OK?
He just puts the "norm"
into "normcore".
You bang normies all the time.
Yeah, but in really filthy ways.
Rob can be filthy, you know.
He does this thing
with his fingers
Ahh, no, no, no!
Frank Ocean, Frank Ocean!
Uhh, no, no, no, no, no!
(GASPS) Hold up your fingers
right now where I can see them!
You're dressed as a Disney princess.
Not cool.
Yeah, Maya's Greta Thunberg outfit
didn't fit me.
(IMITATES THUNBERG) The eyes of
all future generations are upon you!
Ugh, I think your accent
just stopped climate change.
Can I just say,
I effing love Janet?
Oh, you effing do?
I was Janet Jackson
in my high school rock eisteddfod.
Did all the moves
from Rhythm Nation.
Aww, high school Rob.
And they made YOU Janet because?
Because I wiped the floor
with the other dancers.
Oh! Oh!
(LAUGHS) Come on!
Crouching IT tiger, hidden diva!
What?!
Come on, Rob.
Hey, babe?
Can you blow off co-parenting
to come to the bar tonight?
I'd love to, but my meeples
must defeat all.
We're playing Carcassonne!
Oh, and welcome back, Norm.
Hey, guess what?
You've developed a love
of Settlers of Catan,
and when I get back,
we're trading sheep, wood and bricks
all night long?
No, nerd. I won an award!
That's awesome! What for?
Being an emerging female leader
in all of tourism!
I think I even get a trophy.
Oh, we can put it next to my trophy
for being
a young Asian entrepreneur.
LOL.
Yeah, but you guys
party hard tonight.
And when I get home tomorrow,
I'm gonna
rock eisteddfod you so hard.
Oh, hot priest, hot priest!
So, you're still getting the award
even though the company's collapsed?
Yes!
(ALL GASP)
Yas, Queen.
(LAUGHS)
Tina!
Uh
Oh, Ram, babe, you're on mute!
Hey!
(NO AUDIO)
Oh, Tina! Tina, turn around!
Your mic's off!
(ALL LAUGH)
Maybe she's doing a literal
interpretation of Private Dancer?
MADDIE: Is that
his old wrestling belt?
Oh, wow.
I'm sure she sounds great,
but we can't hear her.
Um, so, Emerging Asian Leader?
Uh, Emerging FEMALE Leader,
thank you very much.
Right.
Over in the Boys Club, we have
(GASPS) ..oh, my God, it's just
the plain old Leader Award.
Yeah, let's analyse the words
another time, because tonight
We uphold the patriarchy
whilst dressed in feminist costumes?
No, we celebrate Maddie
for being a motherfucking leader!
Uh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I would like to thank my femaleness,
I would like to thank my leaderness.
OK, someone, quick, please.
Someone get her
an emerging female speechwriter.
(LAUGHS)
Hey!
Whoo!
Ooh.
Fuck's sake!
Hi, Tina!
Welcome back from the Thunderdome.
Were y'all just applauding
Ms Award Winner then?
Yeah.
Oh, well.
I gift thee my ring of ear
(GASPS)
Ooh.
..and my hair of wig.
That's a big deal.
Wow.
(GASPS)
Oh!
Tina is vacay-ing the building!
Gotta untuck my Nutbush.
(ALL LAUGH)
Yay! (CHUCKLES)
Uh, guys, um
..Fuckface served
our divorce papers today.
Oh, fuckity Fuckface.
Oh, shit!
No, it's it's a good thing.
How?
What, he's leaving you
all his money and a tip?
Oh, no, no, no, that dickhead
never liked tipping.
No, the problem was that he kept
putting his tip into other people.
Ugh, there is nothing worse
than getting a stingy tip up you.
(ALL LAUGH)
No, he's he's
really going after me.
Ugh.
And how is that a good thing?
Well, as I was cleaning out
Mum and Dad's cutlery drawer,
I had a lockdown revelation.
That kitchen scissors belong
in the third drawer?
I totally agree, but no.
I am a monster of a lawyer.
I am, like
I'm so crazy good at my job
that they're gonna have to check
the dental records
of Marco's bank account
when I'm done with him.
I just saw a very evil glint
in your eyes.
Yeah, yeah, I saw it, too.
That's BTS of Making a Murderer.
Is it weird that she's a killer
dressed as a judge?
An associate justice.
I am Ruth Bader GINS-berg after all.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
Hola, sisterhood!
Oh, Rams Wait.
What are you dressed as now?
Has Ramsay finally finished
his feminist celebrity showcase?
Haters be hating, but you loved me
as Bodyguard Whitney
and Lemonade Bey!
No. Wait, are you leaving me?
Yes! Soz.
But we haven't finished
celebrating female leaders.
Again, "female leader"
is problematic language.
Uh, alas, it is time for this diva
to take her final bow.
Yeah, I think I gotta go, too.
What? No, Soph.
We have to riot! Pussy power!
Uh, yeah, I might get started
on my divorce papers, then.
Iz!
I'm sorry.
I've got a hankering to have Marco
fully fucked by the morning.
What?
Yeah.
She's gonna Erin Brockovich
the shit out of Fuckface.
Oh.
Guys!
Girls!
Female-identifying people!
We can't end a feminist icon party
so quickly.
Yes, we can. I'm headed
to a homo bar in, like, half-a.
A rival bar?
Does this bar have cocktail puns?
Bloody Mary Shelley?
Negroni Weaver? Germaine Beer?
Oh, great aroma,
hoppy, transphobic finish.
Ladies, I'm feeling more
like a MAN-hattan.
Oh, right.
You're gonna go and
..online with randoms?
Mm, like our mate Alan.
Don't call that to my memory.
Don't you think
Alan was kind of
Hot?
Yeah.
..uh, well, kind of nice?
What?!
Because he used a fresh hanky
to wipe himself off?
Yeah, let's introduce him
to your grandparents.
No, I'm just saying that
I might give him a call
and see if he can teach me
about this whole dating thing.
Hey, Iz, why don't you stay and we
can catfish hot Alans together?
Yeah, one step forward for kink,
and three steps backwards
for feminism.
Mmm, sorry, babe.
I am swimming up and out
of your Nile.
OK, bye, Ruthy! Mwah!
Loved you in the Netflix doco.
Bye.
Iz, just wait!
OK, yep, bye, folks!
What?! No!
Soph, stay and we'll debate feminism.
Nah, I've got a Tiger King
watching party waiting.
And Joe Exotic's mullet
waits for no-one.
Haven't you already seen that show?
Yeah, but it's reviews party.
We are in so deep.
And I've got a crush
on one of the watchers, so
What? Dish.
Uh, no. Bye.
Oh, what?
Huh? Soph?
Wow.
Yeah.
Dish denied!
(SIGHS)
OK, so, like, if, in theory,
a user by the name of DagwoodDog86
just messaged me and happens
to live, like, two streets away
Uh, if you're cruising IRL,
just make sure you use hand sanitiser
before you give a little wristy.
Ahh, that would burn!
I'll wear gloves.
Is that the official line
from the Chief Medical Officer?
Well, I'm fucking dying here.
Mm, you want a real hug,
with real penises?
Mm-hm. And I'm not greedy.
Just one penis hug will do.
Well, if things get oral,
a mask will only get in the way.
Love ya guts, ya clever bitch.
Mwah!
(BLOWS KISS)
(SOFTLY) Bye.
(SIGHS)
(ELECTRONIC BLEEP)
(POP MUSIC PLAYS)
Yes!
(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES)
I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say
that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Goin' crazy from the moment
I met you ♪
(STRING INTERLUDE)
Untouched ♪
Fuck!
And I need you so much ♪
(MUSIC STOPS)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Uh hi.
Hi.
What the fuckery are you doing here?
What's with the make-up?
You finally lost your marbles
in lockdown?
No, we just had
a feminist costume party.
Right. It's Cleopatra?
Ivanka Trump.
(HALF-LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
What?
Nothing. Nothing.
It's just you know that Cleopatra
is a pre-colonial warlord,
not a feminist?
I like to think of her
as a bad-ass girl
who played the cards
she was dealt very well.
Yeah, it's just those cards were
armies, slaves,
and a few dozen flotillas, but
Hey, um could you please
mansplain colonialism
a little bit more to me, white boy?
(SIGHS) Right.
I think I should probably go, then?
Yeah. Me, too.
Um
..I'm sorry if the way
that I behaved last week,
uh impacted you.
Impacted me?
Yeah, I'm just
..trying to keep myself accountable.
For what?
Putting Maya to sleep?
No.
It wasn't my intention
to make things awkward.
I really wanted to see you.
And, uh
I, um
I didn't expect to see you
so settled.
So
..I'm sorry.
Well, you seem pretty Insta-settled
with, uh Kata Katia Kayt
Kat. She goes by Kat.
Oh, Kat.
Well, Kat
..is rather beautiful.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
So, how good did I look
in those photos you were stalking?
Older.
Cool.
But better, kind of.
(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS UPSTAIRS)
See, that
That is the real global disaster.
What is that delightful music?
Shit.
See, that is Lunchtime Larry.
Do you have one in your building?
Oh, no, but we have a Caring Karen,
who started a Facebook group
for the Woolstore residents.
Woolstore? Where?
Uh, Teneriffe.
Brisbane? Interesting.
Why?
Well, just of all the gentrified
suburbs on the East Coast
Just a classic smashed-avo dilemma,
really -
brunch in Melbourne
or cheap rent in Brissie.
Doesn't look like you got cheap rent
there at that Woolstore penthouse.
Yeah, well, it's not my penthouse.
Is it?
I don't know.
You tell me.
(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS UPSTAIRS)
Oh, there it is again. Good.
Great.
Groundhog Day Guitar.
Maybe the bad string instrument's
keeping him sane.
No, his early-morning fucking
does that, actually.
It's twice as loud
and way less rhythmic.
Breakfast in bed.
Yeah.
Really could do
with a fuck right now.
Right.
Well, you know,
you've got a girlfriend.
Maybe you could fuck her.
(HALF-LAUGHS)
That's not who I was talking about.
Do you miss it?
Sorry, I'm just being frank.
Um, yeah.
(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS UPSTAIRS)
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, yeah.
Lazza kinda kills the mood,
doesn't he?
Yeah.
This whiskey's foul.
It is so bad.
I thought you'd have your mates
giving you freebies
from their distilleries in Hackney.
So, you have been stalking me?
This is actually a Hackney whiskey.
(CHUCKLES)
It's, uh it's non-alcoholic.
Really?
Yeah, six months and counting.
You're being serious?
You? Sober?
Completely, yeah.
What kicked that off?
A girl, if I'm honest.
Kat-aya?
No, someone else.
Uh, but we had our ups and downs,
and we partied a lot.
A lot.
So, you dated for a while?
A while, yeah.
British?
No. Her parents are from India.
But then she was born in Canberra,
and then moved to Melbourne
as soon as she could.
And now, uh
has found herself in Brisbane.
She really seems to have
her life on track.
Are you taking the piss?
You asked about my sobriety
I didn't make you an addict.
I wasn't your Indian
Courtney Love, OK?
Is that why you fucked off to London
without saying goodbye?
'Cause of me?
Look, I just really needed to
to be somewhere new.
I was lost.
Um I have the tattoo to prove it.
What tattoo?
So, I arrived to London, um
out of my head,
and I spent a hundred quid on
..a compass.
Corny?
It's corny.
Look what I did.
Crikey, Maddie.
(CHUCKLES)
You've got such beautiful skin.
What does it mean?
I got it after you left.
It's a hand
..holding me.
Yeah.
Dylan?
What?
Whatever you're doing
with your eyes right now
..don't.
OK.
Whatever I'm doing with my eyes,
I'll, uh
..I'll stop.
(DOOR OPENS)
ROB: Hey!
Hi! (GASPS)
Nothing says "I'm proud of you"
like a cheap bunch of flowers
from the servo.
(CHUCKLES AND GASPS)
Oh, sorry.
I didn't realise
you were chatting to someone.
No, just wrapping up.
Yeah.
Thought you were doing
the whole family sleepover thing?
Yeah. Yeah, I just missed you.
Yeah, me, too.
Who is that?
Oh, it's just Dylan.
He was hanging out at the bar and
I was I was wired from the party.
Is everything OK?
Yeah, of course.
And now you're home,
I'll come to bed.
OK, sure.
OK.
I'll be there soon.
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
Um, I'm gonna go.
I'll see you soon.
Yeah.
Well, we'll be in
the same time zone next week.
What?
I'm coming home.
Catch ya, Cleopatra.
(DANCE MUSIC)
(VEHICLE ENGINE REVS)