Rev. (2010) s01e04 Episode Script
The One Show
'And now, Thought for the Day with the Reverend Roland Wise.
'I opened a new kitchen for the St John Orphanage in Mumbai' Oh, for fu Oh! '.
.
over dinner with Salman Rushdie.
' Oh, shut up! 'We discussed how the Bible' Oh! Oh, dear.
Is that Roland Wise again? Not any more! 'When I first took Terry Waite back to Beirut' And he dies.
'The radiator of life' 'Never forget, wherever we are in the world' Shut up! Oh, come on! It won't stop! 'When I put that to Terry Waite, he smiled.
' Shutup! RADIO STOPS Of course you're envious of him.
No, I'm not.
Not really.
I don't blame you, he's on TV all the time.
I'm fed up and I wasn't at college with him.
I'm not jealous.
You hate him and that's fine.
He's clearly desperate to be Mr Pointy Head, the Bishop.
Mind you, he was bloody funny on Graham Norton.
He was always "not" drinking at the right parties and chatting up the Bishop of London.
"Oh, ho, ho, Richard, you must come over some time and I'll dribble all over you.
" You're not like that, thank God.
That's why I love you.
No.
You're doing what you were called to do with integrity for the parishioners, without all that Church manoeuvring and media stuff.
Yes, I could be doing it, choose not to.
Stephen Warwick works on The One Show.
Oh, darling, please don't try and get on The One Show.
No, I'm not, but it would get me noticed by the Bishop.
Oh, look.
Christ! I'm sure there'll be a naked centrefold of him in it next week.
DOORBELL RINGS Hello, Colin.
Hello? What's crackalacking, Vicar? Hello, Mick.
Your Worship.
Yeah, yeah.
See, what it is, yeah, I got a new job now.
I'm a cycle courier, but my bike just got nicked, I can't believe it.
No, neither can I, you're a cycle courier? Yeah, yeah.
I left it outside the pub for like two minutes, it's gone.
People are scum, man.
So I need to get to Southend, so I can borrow my brother's bike and I was just hoping you could lend me a lickle train fare so I could get there, get to work and do my day's work.
Right, thing is, I don't normally give out money.
Ah, no, Vicar! You can't be tight, you've got to lend me, what you Eee, easy, Mrs Vicar.
Morning.
Eh, morning.
This man's after a train fare to Southend so he can work.
I'm off to the station now, so if you come with me, I'll make sure you get a ticket.
Nah, there's no need for that.
Yes, there is.
Come on.
Come along.
Woman, just leave me alone! I'm being kidnapped, kidnapping me! Oh, shush.
I hope you'll be along for the first of my Singles Only Suppers.
SOS I'm calling them.
OK, when is it? Monday the 15th.
I have told you, Adam, it is in the diary.
Yes, OK, I'll come.
Good.
Confirmed.
I think the six o'clock suppers will be more of a success than breakfast.
A lot of the men are depressed, not very good at getting up.
Now, I need some new vestments.
My predecessor Poped off with all the good tat.
Father Winters at St Clems has a magnificent chasuble - gothic, gold and red, he looks majestic.
No, he doesn't! He looks like Dumbledore with his huge flappy wizard sleeves.
Oh, look at her.
I've got that shirt, actually, in, er, mint green.
Well, I think I'll stick with the black.
Did you see Roland Wise's article in the Telegraph today? Very interesting on the subject of Syriac liturgy of the 3rd century, I thought.
Oh, don't you start, I've already had him in bed with me this morning.
Hello, Colin.
We missed you at prayer this morning.
Yeah, sorry, Vicarage.
I and I met this fascinating man who's uplifted me.
He was playing bongos outside the offy.
He called Lionpaw, he's a Rastafari.
Oh, right, I see.
Ah, why do people put it in a bag and then leave it like it's a gift? HE SIGHS Rasta's a great religion, innit, Adam? It's like Christianity, but you get to smoke this.
Do you want some? No, thanks, Colin.
I'm not sure you should be smoking it either.
It's not doing drugs.
It's spiritual, it'll cleanse your soul.
It's cleansing mine right now.
So have we lost you at this Church, then, Colin? Oh, no, I can be a Rastafari at any Church.
It's great.
And I'm healthy, thanks to Lionpaw.
Hold that, I'm just going for a piss.
I've given up booze, processed food and shell fish.
How's that going? I haven't had any shell fish today.
Ah, there you are.
Oh, hello, Archdeacon.
I was just talking to Have you met Colin? One of our regulars? SPLASHING Hello! I'll just leave your thing here, Colin.
So, why exactly am I here? I just wanted to let you know some of my plans for St Saviours.
I want to get your approval.
Fine, I have to be at Broadcasting House for 2.
Roland Wise is doing Just a Minute.
Do you know Roland? No.
Here you go, Adam.
On the house, a pint of the usual.
Oh, er, no, thank you, Gemma.
You know I don't normally drink.
He's sticking with the Class B drugs.
STILTED LAUGHTER One of the things I'm very keen to do is make sure that St Saviours is a place where we ask some serious, challenging questions.
Won't that scare off your congregation? Some of the more Churchy ones, maybe, but I don't see it as the Church's role to resolve issues for our congregation, but rather to deepen them.
You want to deepen issues? Yes, I Yes, I want to be a man with a message.
What is your message? Well, it's still the Christian message, based on the Gospels.
It is beautiful, but it is also quite complicated.
Mmm, I tend to find congregations prefer cornflakes to muesli, theologically speaking.
What else? And I want to move coffee out of the vestry into the nave, so that we can accommodate more people.
Ah, well, here's a tip, buy a Cappuccino machine.
That way I think more people will come.
The stuff you serve is muck.
Thank you, er, it's a good idea.
I suppose that all sounds quite good, Adam.
Does it? Yes.
Good.
You're new in London, you want to make a mark, I understand.
There are 10,000 vicars and only 350 top jobs, so, er Let me crack open one of the myths of the Church for you.
Despite what everyone tells you, the chances of promotion in the Church of England are about the same as in the Chinese Army.
Two cappuccinos.
Who, who ordered the macchiatos? I did, it was me.
Quiet yourself, please, don't push! Adam's ordered some new church vestments, an emerald chasuble.
Yes, where are they? They should have arrived by now.
He spent a fortune on a holy poncho! LAUGHTER Hello, Stephen, how lovely to see you.
Hi, Sarah.
Hello, Ellie.
You look lovely.
That's a love That's a gorgeousnecklace.
Great coffee, Adam.
Is it? Very nice.
What's happened? I'll have to do my staff meetings here.
Ha! Well, you're always very welcome, Ellie, you know that.
Is there a loyalty card? Ten crucifix coffee stamps gets you into Heaven? I should do that! Though I'm sure you're going to Heaven anyway, Ellie.
Excuse me.
Adam, have you had a chance to think about whether I can use the Church for Phoebe's birthday party? I'm very happy to help, Stephen.
Are you still working for the BBC? Yeah, The One Show.
Is that a magazine programme? SOS it's called, it's a chance for lonely men to get together to discuss their problems over a light supper.
I think you'd fit in.
That is a great idea.
Is it? Yeah.
Great.
How exciting.
I shall prepare some sound bites! Yeah, right, yeah.
Ahem How do I look? Lovely.
Authoritative but dashing? Serious but fun? You look all of those things.
Car'll be here any minute.
Should I have a drink to calm my nerves? I will be, a large one.
TELEPHONE RINGS Hello? Oh, Nigel.
Tonight, is it, your singles thing? Yeah, no, I can't possibly come, I'm afraid.
Because I've been invited to appear on national television.
.
.
BBC One.
The One Show.
It's a flagship show, it gets seven million viewers.
Nigel, I've got to go, the limousine's just arrived.
OK, here we go, it's five Four, three, two, one.
MUSIC: Theme from "The One Show" DIRECTOR SHOUTS ORDERS Look at five now.
Hello, welcome to the One Show with Christine Bleakley.
And Adrian Chiles.
Shrove Tuesday tomorrow.
From St Saviours in East London, the Reverend Adam Smallbone! APPLAUSE AND CHEERS Um, yes, the word "shrove" actually derives from the Medieval word "shrive", meaning to confess.
It's a kind of final fling before 40 days of penance in Lent.
It's actually 46 days to be precise, if you count the Sundays Thank you very much, Adam, more of that soon.
And pancakes too, hopefully.
Also with us is Craig Bishop from the ABBA Fan Club.
Hiya! Yes! CHEERING Oh, yes! Craig is going to be talking to us about the new ABBA Museum that's opening in Bedford.
Are you ABBA fans in the Church, Adam? But you like your dressing up and stuff, don't you? Well, yes No, we're all completely gay in the Church.
Can I just say, of course, we're not all gay in the Church.
Um, I'm married for one and, er, but equally, er, we're very accepting of homosexuals now.
But, um, as a point of fact, there's a supper for, for gay men going on in, in my Church right now.
Let's not watch it again.
To me, that's clearly just a joke, no-one will mind.
MOBILE PHONES BEEP Yes, they will, this is the Church, you can't say anything.
Everyone, stop texting! I thought no-one watched this show.
Look, you're on YouTube.
163 hits.
You're the Susan Boyle of Vicars.
We're all gay in the Church, are we, Adam? So are you gay, Adam? No! Of course It was just a light-hearted remark.
There's nothing wrong with being gay in the Church, is there? Or anywhere.
You were just trying to get ahead, I understand.
I'm not trying to get ahead.
I don't discourage it.
But if you are going to do more of this, I suggest a little training.
I don't want to do more.
I know just the man.
I'll send Roland Wise your way.
Do you know him? I was at college with Roland.
Well, then you know, he's wonderful! Highly intelligent, authoritative and very funny.
He is funny, incredibly funny man.
Do you like him? Yes, I love him.
Great! I'll get Rolly to come over and see you.
Stay off the telly till then, yes? And the radio and no talking to journalists.
Thanks for the coffee.
Good morning.
Well, I think it's all too clear why you didn't want to be at my singles supper.
I didn't have you down as homophobic, Adam.
I'm not.
We sat watching you on telly with charcuterie on our laps and our mouths wide open as you labelled the lot of us as gay! Some of these men are married, Adam.
Then why are they at a singles night? Everyone knows it's a gay thing.
They do not! It is not just that! Derek for one is straight, but lonely.
Now everyone thinks he's gay, but lonely.
OK, look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I was under pressure.
The point I was trying to make is that the Church is not homophobic and neither am I.
Really? This pile of emails is people who think you are and are a disgrace! This pile is from people who think you condone homosexuality and are a disgrace! And this is from an ABBA fan who thinks you are stupid! You have a very angry parish, Adam.
OK, fine! Now, can we please talk about something else? Like where are our new vestments, for instance? I checked, they got delivered to Number 37 by mistake.
OK.
Anything else? Adoha phoned, she wanted to know if you're having a nervous breakdown.
Ooh Roland's not vegetarian, is he? Er, I don't know, I don't think so.
I had that terrible Cell Group weekend with him in Wales when it sheeted rain.
Four competitive young curates locked in a National Trust cottage playing Christian Top Trumps.
It was like a horrific social experiment.
God, sounds psychotic, like a Charles Manson retreat.
Yes, but with sociological thought instead of LSD and group sex.
It was the worst weekend of my life.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, bollocks, that'll be him.
Ah, Vicarage, what's happening? I've got a guest coming, so this is not ideal.
What isn't? This moment? Lionpaw said that your Church nicked St Luke's Gospel and haven't given it back, which is disgusting of you.
I'm not sure that's true.
Lionpaw said you would say that, cos you is one of the Babylon.
I haven't got time for this now, OK? I'm sure Rastas are nice, but I don't share their interpretation of the Bible.
I don't think Haile Selassie was divine and only quite like Bob Marley.
Sorry, but Roland Wise from the TV will be here any moment.
Embrace the One Love, Adam, or I'll deck you.
OK, can we do that tomorrow instead? DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN That'll be Roland.
Vicar, can I use your toilet? It's urgent.
Really, really urgent.
Um Please, it's urgent! My guts are shot at the best of times! I had a kebab, it's gone straight through me.
Can you use the pub? There's no time! I'm shaking here, man! I'm touching cloth, man.
Come on, it's Defcon one down there Er, no, I'm afraid you'll have to use the pub.
Oh, man, oh It's Roland, he's here.
He's arriving, he's here.
He's here.
DOORBELL RINGS Hello, Roland.
HE LAUGHS Here's the modern man.
Look at you, all moved up to London.
Dear boy, I hope I'm not late.
No, no.
Oh.
Oh.
Ah Are you aware there's a man defecating on your lawn? Nearly done, Vic Ahh, man! My TV appearance seems to have disgruntled quite a lot of people.
Mmm, the thing is, you've got to get straight back on the horse.
Win everyone round by doing something brilliant on Radio Four.
Do you want me to get you on Thought for the Day? Could you do that? Oh, they do what I tell them.
Thank you.
Is that a good idea? It's an extremely good idea.
OK, um, thanks, well, what would I say? Well, it needs to be something from the heart.
Something, er, intensely personal, er, sincere, authoritative.
Godly, humane, wise and funny.
Ha-ha! Right, you can do that, can't you, darling? No pressure(!) Maybe I could use that Louis MacNiece poem I love.
Oh, good idea.
It's about the importance of all the small daily unnoticed acts of kindness and creativity.
It's his favourite.
Never used it as the basis of a sermon.
I suppose in a strange way I was holding it back for a time like this.
Great, use it.
I'll fix it.
Alex, this is absolutely magnificent arrabbiata.
It reminds me of a dish I once ate on Lebdevev's yacht in Portofino.
Oh! Thank you, Roland.
May I say how much I enjoyed you on Have I Got News For You? Thank you.
Yes, it's a fun show Adam, would you like to know how to overcome your nerves on live radio? Mm, well, yes, you're, you're so experienced.
What I do is, I look at the microphone andI imagine all the people listening and then I despise them.
I remind myself what a herd of stupid, ignorant, uneducated, graceless, E number-chomping plebeians they all are, desperately seeking some form of guidance in their sad little fruitless lives.
Like when you do a sermon.
Some more cheese, Vicar? C'est sufit, merci.
Um, would you like me to call you a cab, Roland? No, no, a couple more drinks.
Is that whisky? Er, oh, yeah.
I'm going to go to bed.
Really, darling? Um, goodbye, Roland.
Have fun.
Oh, goodnight, dear lady.
Hm, mmm, thank you.
Bon nuit.
Guten nacht Ha-ha! Alexandra is wonderful, you do know that? Yes.
Yeah, I'm very lucky.
Yes, you are.
Very lucky to have her here in this lovely home.
And you're just so happy .
.
with your wife .
.
and your Church I'm sorry, Adam.
No, Roland, I You've made me realise I I can't remember why I got ordained any more.
I can't.
Why do I go on telly? I tell you why! Because I can't say no, that's why.
Because I have to please everyone! That's all I am - I'm just a court jester! No, no, no, no.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no.
Yes! You are a, a proper priest and I'm just a A Godless, shitting empty priest with, with no thought or, or purpose or ministry.
HE SOBS Do you remember that weekend we spent in Wales? That was great, wasn't it? Yes.
But that's the last time I think I was happy.
Roland, please.
You are a great priest.
Inintelligent, quite funny.
You've just lost your way for a moment.
That's all.
It happens to everyone.
Tomorrow morning, you and I are going to go to the Church, first thing, and we are going to say the Morning Office together, just you and I.
And we will reflect on our calling as priests.
Can I have another? Yes, yes, of course.
Many rivers to cross But I can't seem to find My way over Many rivers to cross Mind the dog poo.
But just where to begin I'm playing for time BOTH: Amen.
"You can hear the birds.
"A cloud of witnesses to whom, to what.
" That's how that poem starts.
"To all the things that will not notice when we die, "yet lend the passing moment words and wings.
" You know, Roland, I used to be so jealous of you.
I know you did.
It's OK, a lot of people are.
It's made me very lonely.
That's better.
Is this number 37? Hello? Hello? Excuse me.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
How are you? Um, I think some vestments might have got delivered here.
Paw! Hello.
I'm Father Smallbone from St Saviours.
I don't shake hand, man.
Oh, OK.
It's a white man gesture for trickery.
I'm Lionpaw.
Oh, you're Lionpaw? Hi.
Well, nice to meet you.
Um, Lionpaw, I think some vestments I ordered might have got delivered here by mistake.
Some what-ments? Some vestments.
Um, that's them, actually.
That's my chasuble.
You're, you're wearing it.
A chasubles?! What you chatting 'bout, man? Well, I'm chatting that! Er, that's it! And that's my stole.
You're wearing it wrong.
The stole goes under the chasuble and you've got the colours mixed up.
This is yours? Er, yeah, yes.
I thought it was a gift from Jah man, you know.
Is our colours, bredda.
Can't we share them? Er, no, because Well, actually, they're not really mine to lend.
They aren't yours? No.
Well, they are, and they aren't.
You see, the thing is, I used Church funds to buy them, so technically, they belong to St Saviours in the Marshes down the road.
It's quite complicated, I know, but Why are you so vexed, tiny, tiny vicar man? It's just clothes, you know? It's all just vanity.
Yes, it's not just vanity, because they, they cost me, um, the Church 900 quid, so could I just have them back, please? You can borrow them anytime you want.
Chill, bredda.
Don't tell me to chill! You bloody chill! Hello, Vicarage.
Been in for a bit of the old cleansing, eh? Your bloody friend Lion Breath has nicked my vestments, Colin.
Has he? Oh, don't worry about it.
He's right, it's all just vanity.
They can keep 'em.
To forgive is divine, so fuck it.
Forget it.
One love.
'Dear Lord, thank you so much for letting me overcome 'my stupid jealousy and resentment about Roland.
'It's a real lesson in the power of forgiveness.
'I thought he had everything I wanted, 'but he's so miserable, the poor chap.
'I love that story he told about Salman Rushdie in the Turkish Bath.
'That was very funny.
'Yeah, it's true what everyone says.
He is very funny.
'I hope we can go to Portofino and go on that Russian bloke's boat like he suggested.
'That would be really great.
I really hope he meant that.
'I think he did, and who'd have guessed I'd end up doing a Thought for the Day thanks to him? 'It's very exciting.
Thank you, Rollie.
I was wrong.
'You are marvellous, and thank you, Lord, it's a wonderful opportunity.
'I must get it right this time.
' DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it.
OK.
Colin.
Are you all right? Here you are, Vicarage.
Your vestments.
What have you done? I was so inspired by the Christian way you forgave the Rastas that I went to get your stuff back.
Stoned people are shit at fighting.
Colin! I didn't ask for this.
Didn't need to ask, Vicarage.
Wear it for your sermon tomorrow.
You'll look good in that stuff.
Cheers.
Your new best friend is on Any Questions right now.
Is he? Rollie? Good for him.
'Roland Wise, just to clarify, the question you're being asked is, 'do you feel the current politicians are as obsessed with spin in the way 'that they arguably were under the Blair Government? Arguably? Well! 'You know the line - "A cloud of witnesses to whom, to what"? 'It's from that beautiful MacNiece poem, which I've always loved.
'He talks of the things that will not notice when we die' That's my line! '.
.
yet lend the passing moment words and wings.
' Get your own line, Roland Bastard Breakdown Wise! 'You see, MacNiece is suggesting' Cup of tea? I hate that man! MUSIC: "One Love" by Bob Marley One love One heart Let's get together and feel all right
'I opened a new kitchen for the St John Orphanage in Mumbai' Oh, for fu Oh! '.
.
over dinner with Salman Rushdie.
' Oh, shut up! 'We discussed how the Bible' Oh! Oh, dear.
Is that Roland Wise again? Not any more! 'When I first took Terry Waite back to Beirut' And he dies.
'The radiator of life' 'Never forget, wherever we are in the world' Shut up! Oh, come on! It won't stop! 'When I put that to Terry Waite, he smiled.
' Shutup! RADIO STOPS Of course you're envious of him.
No, I'm not.
Not really.
I don't blame you, he's on TV all the time.
I'm fed up and I wasn't at college with him.
I'm not jealous.
You hate him and that's fine.
He's clearly desperate to be Mr Pointy Head, the Bishop.
Mind you, he was bloody funny on Graham Norton.
He was always "not" drinking at the right parties and chatting up the Bishop of London.
"Oh, ho, ho, Richard, you must come over some time and I'll dribble all over you.
" You're not like that, thank God.
That's why I love you.
No.
You're doing what you were called to do with integrity for the parishioners, without all that Church manoeuvring and media stuff.
Yes, I could be doing it, choose not to.
Stephen Warwick works on The One Show.
Oh, darling, please don't try and get on The One Show.
No, I'm not, but it would get me noticed by the Bishop.
Oh, look.
Christ! I'm sure there'll be a naked centrefold of him in it next week.
DOORBELL RINGS Hello, Colin.
Hello? What's crackalacking, Vicar? Hello, Mick.
Your Worship.
Yeah, yeah.
See, what it is, yeah, I got a new job now.
I'm a cycle courier, but my bike just got nicked, I can't believe it.
No, neither can I, you're a cycle courier? Yeah, yeah.
I left it outside the pub for like two minutes, it's gone.
People are scum, man.
So I need to get to Southend, so I can borrow my brother's bike and I was just hoping you could lend me a lickle train fare so I could get there, get to work and do my day's work.
Right, thing is, I don't normally give out money.
Ah, no, Vicar! You can't be tight, you've got to lend me, what you Eee, easy, Mrs Vicar.
Morning.
Eh, morning.
This man's after a train fare to Southend so he can work.
I'm off to the station now, so if you come with me, I'll make sure you get a ticket.
Nah, there's no need for that.
Yes, there is.
Come on.
Come along.
Woman, just leave me alone! I'm being kidnapped, kidnapping me! Oh, shush.
I hope you'll be along for the first of my Singles Only Suppers.
SOS I'm calling them.
OK, when is it? Monday the 15th.
I have told you, Adam, it is in the diary.
Yes, OK, I'll come.
Good.
Confirmed.
I think the six o'clock suppers will be more of a success than breakfast.
A lot of the men are depressed, not very good at getting up.
Now, I need some new vestments.
My predecessor Poped off with all the good tat.
Father Winters at St Clems has a magnificent chasuble - gothic, gold and red, he looks majestic.
No, he doesn't! He looks like Dumbledore with his huge flappy wizard sleeves.
Oh, look at her.
I've got that shirt, actually, in, er, mint green.
Well, I think I'll stick with the black.
Did you see Roland Wise's article in the Telegraph today? Very interesting on the subject of Syriac liturgy of the 3rd century, I thought.
Oh, don't you start, I've already had him in bed with me this morning.
Hello, Colin.
We missed you at prayer this morning.
Yeah, sorry, Vicarage.
I and I met this fascinating man who's uplifted me.
He was playing bongos outside the offy.
He called Lionpaw, he's a Rastafari.
Oh, right, I see.
Ah, why do people put it in a bag and then leave it like it's a gift? HE SIGHS Rasta's a great religion, innit, Adam? It's like Christianity, but you get to smoke this.
Do you want some? No, thanks, Colin.
I'm not sure you should be smoking it either.
It's not doing drugs.
It's spiritual, it'll cleanse your soul.
It's cleansing mine right now.
So have we lost you at this Church, then, Colin? Oh, no, I can be a Rastafari at any Church.
It's great.
And I'm healthy, thanks to Lionpaw.
Hold that, I'm just going for a piss.
I've given up booze, processed food and shell fish.
How's that going? I haven't had any shell fish today.
Ah, there you are.
Oh, hello, Archdeacon.
I was just talking to Have you met Colin? One of our regulars? SPLASHING Hello! I'll just leave your thing here, Colin.
So, why exactly am I here? I just wanted to let you know some of my plans for St Saviours.
I want to get your approval.
Fine, I have to be at Broadcasting House for 2.
Roland Wise is doing Just a Minute.
Do you know Roland? No.
Here you go, Adam.
On the house, a pint of the usual.
Oh, er, no, thank you, Gemma.
You know I don't normally drink.
He's sticking with the Class B drugs.
STILTED LAUGHTER One of the things I'm very keen to do is make sure that St Saviours is a place where we ask some serious, challenging questions.
Won't that scare off your congregation? Some of the more Churchy ones, maybe, but I don't see it as the Church's role to resolve issues for our congregation, but rather to deepen them.
You want to deepen issues? Yes, I Yes, I want to be a man with a message.
What is your message? Well, it's still the Christian message, based on the Gospels.
It is beautiful, but it is also quite complicated.
Mmm, I tend to find congregations prefer cornflakes to muesli, theologically speaking.
What else? And I want to move coffee out of the vestry into the nave, so that we can accommodate more people.
Ah, well, here's a tip, buy a Cappuccino machine.
That way I think more people will come.
The stuff you serve is muck.
Thank you, er, it's a good idea.
I suppose that all sounds quite good, Adam.
Does it? Yes.
Good.
You're new in London, you want to make a mark, I understand.
There are 10,000 vicars and only 350 top jobs, so, er Let me crack open one of the myths of the Church for you.
Despite what everyone tells you, the chances of promotion in the Church of England are about the same as in the Chinese Army.
Two cappuccinos.
Who, who ordered the macchiatos? I did, it was me.
Quiet yourself, please, don't push! Adam's ordered some new church vestments, an emerald chasuble.
Yes, where are they? They should have arrived by now.
He spent a fortune on a holy poncho! LAUGHTER Hello, Stephen, how lovely to see you.
Hi, Sarah.
Hello, Ellie.
You look lovely.
That's a love That's a gorgeousnecklace.
Great coffee, Adam.
Is it? Very nice.
What's happened? I'll have to do my staff meetings here.
Ha! Well, you're always very welcome, Ellie, you know that.
Is there a loyalty card? Ten crucifix coffee stamps gets you into Heaven? I should do that! Though I'm sure you're going to Heaven anyway, Ellie.
Excuse me.
Adam, have you had a chance to think about whether I can use the Church for Phoebe's birthday party? I'm very happy to help, Stephen.
Are you still working for the BBC? Yeah, The One Show.
Is that a magazine programme? SOS it's called, it's a chance for lonely men to get together to discuss their problems over a light supper.
I think you'd fit in.
That is a great idea.
Is it? Yeah.
Great.
How exciting.
I shall prepare some sound bites! Yeah, right, yeah.
Ahem How do I look? Lovely.
Authoritative but dashing? Serious but fun? You look all of those things.
Car'll be here any minute.
Should I have a drink to calm my nerves? I will be, a large one.
TELEPHONE RINGS Hello? Oh, Nigel.
Tonight, is it, your singles thing? Yeah, no, I can't possibly come, I'm afraid.
Because I've been invited to appear on national television.
.
.
BBC One.
The One Show.
It's a flagship show, it gets seven million viewers.
Nigel, I've got to go, the limousine's just arrived.
OK, here we go, it's five Four, three, two, one.
MUSIC: Theme from "The One Show" DIRECTOR SHOUTS ORDERS Look at five now.
Hello, welcome to the One Show with Christine Bleakley.
And Adrian Chiles.
Shrove Tuesday tomorrow.
From St Saviours in East London, the Reverend Adam Smallbone! APPLAUSE AND CHEERS Um, yes, the word "shrove" actually derives from the Medieval word "shrive", meaning to confess.
It's a kind of final fling before 40 days of penance in Lent.
It's actually 46 days to be precise, if you count the Sundays Thank you very much, Adam, more of that soon.
And pancakes too, hopefully.
Also with us is Craig Bishop from the ABBA Fan Club.
Hiya! Yes! CHEERING Oh, yes! Craig is going to be talking to us about the new ABBA Museum that's opening in Bedford.
Are you ABBA fans in the Church, Adam? But you like your dressing up and stuff, don't you? Well, yes No, we're all completely gay in the Church.
Can I just say, of course, we're not all gay in the Church.
Um, I'm married for one and, er, but equally, er, we're very accepting of homosexuals now.
But, um, as a point of fact, there's a supper for, for gay men going on in, in my Church right now.
Let's not watch it again.
To me, that's clearly just a joke, no-one will mind.
MOBILE PHONES BEEP Yes, they will, this is the Church, you can't say anything.
Everyone, stop texting! I thought no-one watched this show.
Look, you're on YouTube.
163 hits.
You're the Susan Boyle of Vicars.
We're all gay in the Church, are we, Adam? So are you gay, Adam? No! Of course It was just a light-hearted remark.
There's nothing wrong with being gay in the Church, is there? Or anywhere.
You were just trying to get ahead, I understand.
I'm not trying to get ahead.
I don't discourage it.
But if you are going to do more of this, I suggest a little training.
I don't want to do more.
I know just the man.
I'll send Roland Wise your way.
Do you know him? I was at college with Roland.
Well, then you know, he's wonderful! Highly intelligent, authoritative and very funny.
He is funny, incredibly funny man.
Do you like him? Yes, I love him.
Great! I'll get Rolly to come over and see you.
Stay off the telly till then, yes? And the radio and no talking to journalists.
Thanks for the coffee.
Good morning.
Well, I think it's all too clear why you didn't want to be at my singles supper.
I didn't have you down as homophobic, Adam.
I'm not.
We sat watching you on telly with charcuterie on our laps and our mouths wide open as you labelled the lot of us as gay! Some of these men are married, Adam.
Then why are they at a singles night? Everyone knows it's a gay thing.
They do not! It is not just that! Derek for one is straight, but lonely.
Now everyone thinks he's gay, but lonely.
OK, look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I was under pressure.
The point I was trying to make is that the Church is not homophobic and neither am I.
Really? This pile of emails is people who think you are and are a disgrace! This pile is from people who think you condone homosexuality and are a disgrace! And this is from an ABBA fan who thinks you are stupid! You have a very angry parish, Adam.
OK, fine! Now, can we please talk about something else? Like where are our new vestments, for instance? I checked, they got delivered to Number 37 by mistake.
OK.
Anything else? Adoha phoned, she wanted to know if you're having a nervous breakdown.
Ooh Roland's not vegetarian, is he? Er, I don't know, I don't think so.
I had that terrible Cell Group weekend with him in Wales when it sheeted rain.
Four competitive young curates locked in a National Trust cottage playing Christian Top Trumps.
It was like a horrific social experiment.
God, sounds psychotic, like a Charles Manson retreat.
Yes, but with sociological thought instead of LSD and group sex.
It was the worst weekend of my life.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, bollocks, that'll be him.
Ah, Vicarage, what's happening? I've got a guest coming, so this is not ideal.
What isn't? This moment? Lionpaw said that your Church nicked St Luke's Gospel and haven't given it back, which is disgusting of you.
I'm not sure that's true.
Lionpaw said you would say that, cos you is one of the Babylon.
I haven't got time for this now, OK? I'm sure Rastas are nice, but I don't share their interpretation of the Bible.
I don't think Haile Selassie was divine and only quite like Bob Marley.
Sorry, but Roland Wise from the TV will be here any moment.
Embrace the One Love, Adam, or I'll deck you.
OK, can we do that tomorrow instead? DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN That'll be Roland.
Vicar, can I use your toilet? It's urgent.
Really, really urgent.
Um Please, it's urgent! My guts are shot at the best of times! I had a kebab, it's gone straight through me.
Can you use the pub? There's no time! I'm shaking here, man! I'm touching cloth, man.
Come on, it's Defcon one down there Er, no, I'm afraid you'll have to use the pub.
Oh, man, oh It's Roland, he's here.
He's arriving, he's here.
He's here.
DOORBELL RINGS Hello, Roland.
HE LAUGHS Here's the modern man.
Look at you, all moved up to London.
Dear boy, I hope I'm not late.
No, no.
Oh.
Oh.
Ah Are you aware there's a man defecating on your lawn? Nearly done, Vic Ahh, man! My TV appearance seems to have disgruntled quite a lot of people.
Mmm, the thing is, you've got to get straight back on the horse.
Win everyone round by doing something brilliant on Radio Four.
Do you want me to get you on Thought for the Day? Could you do that? Oh, they do what I tell them.
Thank you.
Is that a good idea? It's an extremely good idea.
OK, um, thanks, well, what would I say? Well, it needs to be something from the heart.
Something, er, intensely personal, er, sincere, authoritative.
Godly, humane, wise and funny.
Ha-ha! Right, you can do that, can't you, darling? No pressure(!) Maybe I could use that Louis MacNiece poem I love.
Oh, good idea.
It's about the importance of all the small daily unnoticed acts of kindness and creativity.
It's his favourite.
Never used it as the basis of a sermon.
I suppose in a strange way I was holding it back for a time like this.
Great, use it.
I'll fix it.
Alex, this is absolutely magnificent arrabbiata.
It reminds me of a dish I once ate on Lebdevev's yacht in Portofino.
Oh! Thank you, Roland.
May I say how much I enjoyed you on Have I Got News For You? Thank you.
Yes, it's a fun show Adam, would you like to know how to overcome your nerves on live radio? Mm, well, yes, you're, you're so experienced.
What I do is, I look at the microphone andI imagine all the people listening and then I despise them.
I remind myself what a herd of stupid, ignorant, uneducated, graceless, E number-chomping plebeians they all are, desperately seeking some form of guidance in their sad little fruitless lives.
Like when you do a sermon.
Some more cheese, Vicar? C'est sufit, merci.
Um, would you like me to call you a cab, Roland? No, no, a couple more drinks.
Is that whisky? Er, oh, yeah.
I'm going to go to bed.
Really, darling? Um, goodbye, Roland.
Have fun.
Oh, goodnight, dear lady.
Hm, mmm, thank you.
Bon nuit.
Guten nacht Ha-ha! Alexandra is wonderful, you do know that? Yes.
Yeah, I'm very lucky.
Yes, you are.
Very lucky to have her here in this lovely home.
And you're just so happy .
.
with your wife .
.
and your Church I'm sorry, Adam.
No, Roland, I You've made me realise I I can't remember why I got ordained any more.
I can't.
Why do I go on telly? I tell you why! Because I can't say no, that's why.
Because I have to please everyone! That's all I am - I'm just a court jester! No, no, no, no.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no.
Yes! You are a, a proper priest and I'm just a A Godless, shitting empty priest with, with no thought or, or purpose or ministry.
HE SOBS Do you remember that weekend we spent in Wales? That was great, wasn't it? Yes.
But that's the last time I think I was happy.
Roland, please.
You are a great priest.
Inintelligent, quite funny.
You've just lost your way for a moment.
That's all.
It happens to everyone.
Tomorrow morning, you and I are going to go to the Church, first thing, and we are going to say the Morning Office together, just you and I.
And we will reflect on our calling as priests.
Can I have another? Yes, yes, of course.
Many rivers to cross But I can't seem to find My way over Many rivers to cross Mind the dog poo.
But just where to begin I'm playing for time BOTH: Amen.
"You can hear the birds.
"A cloud of witnesses to whom, to what.
" That's how that poem starts.
"To all the things that will not notice when we die, "yet lend the passing moment words and wings.
" You know, Roland, I used to be so jealous of you.
I know you did.
It's OK, a lot of people are.
It's made me very lonely.
That's better.
Is this number 37? Hello? Hello? Excuse me.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
How are you? Um, I think some vestments might have got delivered here.
Paw! Hello.
I'm Father Smallbone from St Saviours.
I don't shake hand, man.
Oh, OK.
It's a white man gesture for trickery.
I'm Lionpaw.
Oh, you're Lionpaw? Hi.
Well, nice to meet you.
Um, Lionpaw, I think some vestments I ordered might have got delivered here by mistake.
Some what-ments? Some vestments.
Um, that's them, actually.
That's my chasuble.
You're, you're wearing it.
A chasubles?! What you chatting 'bout, man? Well, I'm chatting that! Er, that's it! And that's my stole.
You're wearing it wrong.
The stole goes under the chasuble and you've got the colours mixed up.
This is yours? Er, yeah, yes.
I thought it was a gift from Jah man, you know.
Is our colours, bredda.
Can't we share them? Er, no, because Well, actually, they're not really mine to lend.
They aren't yours? No.
Well, they are, and they aren't.
You see, the thing is, I used Church funds to buy them, so technically, they belong to St Saviours in the Marshes down the road.
It's quite complicated, I know, but Why are you so vexed, tiny, tiny vicar man? It's just clothes, you know? It's all just vanity.
Yes, it's not just vanity, because they, they cost me, um, the Church 900 quid, so could I just have them back, please? You can borrow them anytime you want.
Chill, bredda.
Don't tell me to chill! You bloody chill! Hello, Vicarage.
Been in for a bit of the old cleansing, eh? Your bloody friend Lion Breath has nicked my vestments, Colin.
Has he? Oh, don't worry about it.
He's right, it's all just vanity.
They can keep 'em.
To forgive is divine, so fuck it.
Forget it.
One love.
'Dear Lord, thank you so much for letting me overcome 'my stupid jealousy and resentment about Roland.
'It's a real lesson in the power of forgiveness.
'I thought he had everything I wanted, 'but he's so miserable, the poor chap.
'I love that story he told about Salman Rushdie in the Turkish Bath.
'That was very funny.
'Yeah, it's true what everyone says.
He is very funny.
'I hope we can go to Portofino and go on that Russian bloke's boat like he suggested.
'That would be really great.
I really hope he meant that.
'I think he did, and who'd have guessed I'd end up doing a Thought for the Day thanks to him? 'It's very exciting.
Thank you, Rollie.
I was wrong.
'You are marvellous, and thank you, Lord, it's a wonderful opportunity.
'I must get it right this time.
' DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it.
OK.
Colin.
Are you all right? Here you are, Vicarage.
Your vestments.
What have you done? I was so inspired by the Christian way you forgave the Rastas that I went to get your stuff back.
Stoned people are shit at fighting.
Colin! I didn't ask for this.
Didn't need to ask, Vicarage.
Wear it for your sermon tomorrow.
You'll look good in that stuff.
Cheers.
Your new best friend is on Any Questions right now.
Is he? Rollie? Good for him.
'Roland Wise, just to clarify, the question you're being asked is, 'do you feel the current politicians are as obsessed with spin in the way 'that they arguably were under the Blair Government? Arguably? Well! 'You know the line - "A cloud of witnesses to whom, to what"? 'It's from that beautiful MacNiece poem, which I've always loved.
'He talks of the things that will not notice when we die' That's my line! '.
.
yet lend the passing moment words and wings.
' Get your own line, Roland Bastard Breakdown Wise! 'You see, MacNiece is suggesting' Cup of tea? I hate that man! MUSIC: "One Love" by Bob Marley One love One heart Let's get together and feel all right