Rhoda (1974) s01e04 Episode Script

- MY NAME IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX, NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FEL RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER LIKING THAT LIKED ME BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD, AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- BRENDA, HAVE YOU SEEN MY PANTS PURSE? - WHAT? - HUH? - OH, NEVER MIND.
I JUST FOUND IT.
- OH, HEY, GREAT PURSE.
THEY'RE REALLY IN NOW.
- YEAH, I MADE IT MYSELF, KID.
- YEAH? - YEAH, OUT OF AN OLD PAIR OF JEANS.
YEAH, THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I HAVE A PURSE BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD ALL MY JUNK, INCLUDING MY HIPS.
- HEY, UH, MAYBE I'LL MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF A PAIR OF MY PANTS.
A JEANS BEDSPREAD.
[DOOR BUZZER.]
- YEAH? - THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK TO YOUR MOTHER.
- OH, MA.
IS THAT YOU? - YES, I WAS JUST DOWNTOWN SHOPPING AND I HAPPENED TO PASS BY YOUR LOBBY AND I THOUGHT I'D SAY HELLO.
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
- IS RHODA THERE? - NO, NO, NO, NO.
- YES, SHE IS.
- PUT HER ON.
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO HER.
- HELLO, MA.
- LISTEN, RHODA, WHILE I WAS SHOPPING, I FOUND PANTYHOSE ON SALE, SO I GOT YOU A COUPLE OF DOZEN PAIR.
- A COUPLE OF DOZEN PAIR? THE ROCKETTES DON' USE THAT MUCH.
MA, THEY'LL LAST ME 3 YEARS.
- NO, THEY WON'T.
THEY'RE SECONDS.
BUT ALL THE FLAWS ARE WHERE NO ONE WILL SEE THEM, GOD WILLING.
- HEY, UH, MA, DO YOU KNOW WHA WE'RE DOING? - YEAH, HAVING A NICE LITTLE CHAT.
- YEAH, BUT THIS ISN'T A TELEPHONE.
YOU SEE, YOU'RE ONLY 2 FLIGHTS AWAY.
COME ON UP, WE'LL TALK IN PERSON.
- WELL, MAYBE JUST FOR A CUP OF TEA.
- GEE, I THINK WE'RE OUT OF TEA.
- I BROUGHT SOME.
I'LL BE RIGHT UP.
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S MA DOING HERE AT 7:30 AT NIGHT? - SHE'S COMING HERE TO MEET JOE? HOW IS IT SHE KNOWS I HAVE A DATE WITH JOE TONIGHT, BRENDA? BRENDA, YA DIDN'T.
- OH, RHO.
I HAD TO TELL HER.
SHE KEPT SHOVING DOUGHNUTS DOWN MY THROAT UNTIL I TALKED.
- YOU SQUEALED ON ME FOR A COUPLE OF DOUGHNUTS? - THEY WERE JELLY DOUGHNUTS, RHO.
- OH, OK, I UNDERSTAND.
LISTEN, NO HARM DONE, BECAUSE I'M NOT MEETING JOE HERE.
I'M MEETING HIM AT SHEA STADIUM.
- OH, NO.
MA'S GONNA KILL ME.
YOU KNOW HOW SHE'S BEEN TRYING TO MEET JOE, EVEN GE A GLIMPSE OF HIM.
- DO I KNOW? EVERY TIME I WALK OUT OF HERE, I CHECK THE ROOFTOPS.
- YEAH.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- HELLO, MY DARLINGS.
- HIYA, MA.
HOW ARE YA? - WELL, I'VE HAD THIS SPLITTING HEADACHE ALL DAY, AND A LITTLE TOUCH OF NEURALGIA, AND THIS KIND OF TINGLY SENSATION IN MY LEG.
- SO, YOU'RE FEELING GOOD? - I CAN'T COMPLAIN.
SO, WHERE'S WHAT'S-HIS-NAME? - JOE? - YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S HARD TO REMEMBER A NAME WITHOUT A FACE TO GO WITH IT.
- YOU'LL MEET HIM, MA.
YOU'LL MEET HIM.
- OH, GOOD.
WHAT TIME IS HE PICKING YOU UP? - HE'S NOT.
HE'S WAITING FOR ME AT THE GAME.
- I THOUGHT YOU SAID-- - I SAID THAT SHE HAD A DATE.
I DIDN'T SAY THAT HE WAS PICKING HER UP HERE.
- OH.
- HEY, YOU'RE RUBBING TOO HARD.
I'M GONNA END UP LOOKING LIKE KOJAK.
- I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO GUYS WHO USED TO PICK GIRLS UP? - OH, THEY'RE STILL AROUND.
THEY'RE CALLED MARRIED MEN.
- IT'S FUNNY, BUT I KNOW ALL THE BOYS THAT BRENDA DATES.
- THEY'RE ALL SECOND COUSINS.
- LISTEN, MA, PLEASE BELIEVE ME.
WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, YOU'LL MEET JOE.
BUT IF I DON'T GET TO THE STADIUM ON TIME, HE GOES IN WITHOUT ME.
REALLY.
LAST TIME I WAS LATE FOR A GAME, I SPENT THE ENTIRE GAME IN THE LOST AND FOUND WITH 3 JAPANESE TOURISTS AND AN UMBRELLA.
- OK, OK, BUT LISTEN.
ANSWER ME ONE QUESTION.
- SURE.
- WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING ALL OF THOSE COSMETICS IN YOUR PANTS FOR? - THIS? MA, IT'S A PURSE, IT'S THE LATEST THING.
IT'S A PURSE, MADE OUT OF JEANS.
- HEY, THAT'S VERY CUTE.
I THINK I'LL GET ONE.
YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO NOTICE IF IT COMES IN BLACK PATEN LEATHER, DID YOU? - I'M SURE IT DOES, MA.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY TO CU OUR LITTLE VISIT SHORT, BUT I GOTTA GO.
- THAT'S OK, I'LL GO WITH YA.
- YEAH, FINE.
I'LL SEE YA.
- I'LL BET THEY'RE SECRETLY MARRIED.
- IDA.
IDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - I'M VACUUMING THE RUG.
- OF COURSE.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO VACUUM THE RUG AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING? - LISTEN, MARTIN, I CAN'T HELP IT.
WHEN SOME PEOPLE ARE UPSET, THEY DRINK.
I CLEAN.
- THE SAME DIRT IS GONNA BE THERE AT 10:00 IN THE MORNING.
SWEETHEART, EVEN DIRT DESERVES A REST.
LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA TALK OVER THE VACUUM CLEANER.
[SLOWLY WHIRRING.]
ALL RIGHT, NOW WHAT'S WRONG? - IT'S RHODA.
- UGH.
- WHY WON'T SHE LET ME SEE JOE? WHY IS SHE HIDING HIM FROM ME? - MAYBE SHE'S AFRAID YOU'LL CLEAN HIM.
- MARTIN, THERE'S A TIME FOR FUN AND A TIME FOR SERIOUS.
- HONEY, 2:00 IN THE MORNING IS A TIME FOR SLEEPING.
- LISTEN, THIS JOE OWNS A DEMOLITION COMPANY WITH A PARTNER, RIGHT? HE'S BEEN MARRIED 11 1/2 YEARS, DIVORCED FOR 2, HAS A 10-YEAR-OLD SON NAMED DONNIE.
WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT HIM? - IDA, SWEETHEART, LISTEN.
IT'S A BIG THING WHEN A DAUGHTER BRINGS HOME A BOYFRIEND TO MEET THEIR PARENTS.
BELIEVE ME, SHE'LL COME TO YOU WHEN SHE'S READY.
RHODA'S A GOOD DAUGHTER.
SHE RESPECTS YOU.
TELL ME, HAS SHE EVER DISAPPOINTED YOU? - MARTIN, YOU ARE VERY TIRED, AREN'T YOU? - IDA, COME TO BED.
COME ON, COME ON.
- OK.
AS SOON AS I PUT THIS AWAY.
- ALL RIGHT.
AND IN THE MEANTIME, I'LL, UH, WARM UP YOUR SIDE OF THE BED.
- YOU GONNA TURN UP THE ELECTRIC BLANKET? - NO.
- MARTIN, IT ISN' EVEN SATURDAY.
- HEY! NOBODY CAN KNOCK DOWN A 12-STORY BUILDING FOR THAT FIGURE.
WELL, I DON'T CARE WHAT THE LEOPOLD BROTHERS' ESTIMATE IS.
AS MUCH AS I RESPECT TONY LEOPOLD, IT CAN'T BE DONE! TONY LEOPOLD SAID WHAT ABOUT ME? WHY, THAT STUPID ANIMAL.
HEY, THAT BID IS THE BEST WE CAN DO.
YOU TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M MAD! HIYA, BABE.
- I THINK I MISSED SOMETHING HERE.
THE PART WHERE THEY THREW COLD WATER ON YOU.
- HEY, LISTEN, I GOTTA GO TO THE BRONX.
WHY DON'T YOU COME ALONG AND WE'LL GRAB SOME LUNCH, HUH? - YEAH, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
BUT WHY THE BRONX? - I GOT A LADY, SHE WANTS AN ESTIMATE ON KNOCKING DOWN A BUILDING.
- OH, YEAH? WHERE IN THE BRONX? - UH, GRAND CONCOURSE.
- AW, NO KIDDING.
MY FOLKS LIVE ON THE OLD GC.
WHAT NUMBER? - 3517.
- THAT'S THE SAME BUILDING MY PARENTS LIVE IN.
WHAT'S THE LADY'S NAME? - NESSEL.
IDA NESSEL.
- I SEE IT, I SEE IT.
THAT'S NOT ONLY THE SAME BUILDING, JOE, THAT'S THE SAME MOTHER, USING HER MAIDEN NAME.
IDA NESSEL.
MASTER OF INTRIGUE.
BOY, SHE STOPS AT NOTHING JUST TO FIND OUT ABOUT YOU.
- YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY WHEN SHE SAID TO PUT MY RELIGION ON THE ESTIMATE.
- OH, NO.
THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING, JOE.
SHE'LL WANT TO KNOW ABOU YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR DIVORCE AND YOUR KID, AND, MOST OF ALL, WHAT YOUR INTENTIONS ARE TOWARD ME.
- SO? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? - I DON'T WANT HER TO KNOW BEFORE I DO.
- HEY, LOOK, RHODA, IF YOUR PARENTS WANT TO MEET ME, THEN I'LL MEET THEM.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? - WAIT, NO.
WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE ISN'T JUST MEETING MY PARENTS.
WE'RE TALKING ABOU MEETING MY MOTHER.
- LOOK, IF I DON'T MIND, WHY SHOULD YOU? - YEAH, WELL, LISTEN, MY PARENTS ARE REALLY WONDERFUL PEOPLE, JOE.
WE'LL MEET THEM.
WE'LL HAVE A ROTTEN TIME AND EVERYBODY WILL BE HAPPY.
- I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
MY FOLKS SAID THEY WANT TO MEET YOU.
OH, DID YOU TELL THEM ABOUT US? WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM? - EVERYTHING.
- OH, I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE THAT FAR.
- HEY, LISTEN.
WHY DON'T WE DO I ALL IN ONE DAY? HMM? I'LL MEET YOUR FOLKS, YOU'LL MEET MINE.
- FOUR PARENTS IN ONE DAY.
EVEL KNIEVEL WOULDN'T TRY A STUNT LIKE THAT.
- HEY, IT'S EITHER THAT, OR I'VE GO TO TALK TO YOUR MOTHER ABOU KNOCKING DOWN A PERFECTLY GOOD BUILDING.
- HEH HEH HEH.
OK, JOE, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL HAVE LUNCH WITH YOUR PARENTS AND DINNER WITH MINE, OK? - YOU GO AHEAD.
- I'M GONNA CALL HER RIGHT NOW.
- OK.
THAT'S FINE.
- YEAH.
- I'VE GOTTA WASH UP.
- OK.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
[SLOWLY WHIRRING.]
- HELLO? - [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
HELLO, IDA NESSEL? - WHO IS THIS? - UH, THIS IS IDA NESSEL'S DAUGHTER, [NORMAL VOICE.]
RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I AM CALLING FROM THE DEMOLITION COMPANY.
- THAT WASN'T NICE, RHODA.
- OK, I'LL DO SOMETHING NICE.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE JOE AND ME FOR DINNER ONE NIGH THIS WEEK? - I THINK I COULD SQUEEZE YOU IN.
- WELL, THA WOULD BE FINE, MA.
WHAT NIGHT'S GOOD FOR YOU? - MONDAY THROUGH SUNDAY.
- HOW ABOUT SATURDAY? HEY, JOE! HOW'S SATURDAY FOR YOU? - FINE! - SAY, HE SOUNDS REAL NICE.
- NOW, MA, LISTEN TO ME.
WE'RE ONLY COMING ON ONE CONDITION.
THAT YOU DON'T MAKE A FUSS.
- RHODA, WHEN DO I EVER MAKE A FUSS? - PLEASE.
WHAT ABOUT THE TIME I BROUGHT DANNY BROWNELL HOME? YOU HAD $15 WORTH OF COLD CUTS AND A CAKE THAT SAID "WELCOME, DANNY.
" REMEMBER? AND HE JUST CAME TO DO HOMEWORK.
SO, MA, I'M BEGGING YOU HERE, PLEASE, DON'T MAKE A FUSS.
- I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
A MOTHER'S WORD.
- OK.
- ALL SET? - YEAH, I'M AFRAID SO.
I THINK IT'S GONNA BE A LUAU.
A KOSHER LUAU.
- RHODA, WILL YOU CALM DOWN, PLEASE? I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST MEETING MY PARENTS, YOU'RE NO BEING JUDGED TODAY.
- WELL, I KNOW I'M NOT BEING JUDGED.
I ALSO KNOW WHY THEY'RE LATE.
THEY WANT TO SEE HOW I HOLD UP TO PRESSURE.
NOT WELL.
GEE, I SHOULD HAVE WORE BLACK.
BLACK IS HUMBLE.
OH, LOOK AT ALL THESE CRUMBS.
LOOK WHAT I DID.
YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA THINK I'M A SLOB.
OH.
OH, JOE, IF THEY DON'T LIKE ME-- - THEY'LL LIKE YOU.
- I KNOW! - YOU'RE NERVOUS NOW.
TONIGHT, WITH YOUR PARENTS, YOU'RE GONNA FEEL A LOT BETTER.
- NO, TONIGHT I WILL GO WAY PAS NERVOUS, RIGHT INTO PANIC.
- OH, HERE THEY ARE.
- THEY'RE HERE? - HELLO, MA.
- HELLO, JOE.
- OH, SO NICE-- - HI, DAD.
- JOEY BOY.
- MOTHER, FATHER, RHODA MORGENSTERN.
- HELLO, HOW ARE YA? LOOK AT THAT.
HA HA HA.
WHERE ARE PIGEONS WHEN YOU REALLY NEED THEM? NICE TO MEET YOU.
IT'S REALLY A PLEASURE.
- RUTH.
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
- OH, IT'S SO GOOD AT LAST.
- IT'S TERRIFIC TO MEET YOU, SIR.
IT'S TERRIFIC TO MEE BOTH OF YOU--OH, I MET YOU.
HA HA.
SO SILLY.
IT REALLY IS TERRIFIC.
OOPS.
- OH, MY PURSE.
THESE BEADS.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE ROUGH ON YOU.
- YES, I KNOW, I KNOW.
- VERY PRETTY.
VERY PRETTY, JOE.
- I TOLD YOU SO.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU ONLY TOLD ME SHE WAS PRETTY.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE WAS THIS PRETTY.
- WELL, IF I TOLD YOU SHE WAS THIS PRETTY, YOU WOULDN' HAVE BELIEVED ME.
- YOU COULD'VE SAID GORGEOUS.
- OH, COME ON, YOU TWO.
YOU'LL EMBARRASS RHODA.
- NAH.
IF THEY'RE TRYING TO EMBARRASS ME, THEY'RE ON THE WRONG TRACK.
YOU WERE SAYING--GORGEOUS, UH - YEAH.
[LAUGHTER.]
- LET'S DRINK TO THAT.
- WELL, JOE WAS ONLY 6 YEARS OLD AND HE WAS JUS LEARNING TO WATER SKI, AND HE KEPT FALLING DOWN--EASY.
BUT HE FINALLY GRABBED HOLD OF THE ROPE, THE BOAT TOOK OFF, AND LITTLE JOEY STOOD UP ON THOSE SKIS.
OH, HE WAS REAL PROUD.
IT WAS ALL RIGHT, EXCEP FOR ONE THING WENT WRONG.
HIS TRUNKS WERE DOWN AROUND HIS ANKLES.
[LAUGHTER.]
- I WAS THE FIRST ONE TO STREAK ON WATER.
- DID YOU EVER WATER SKI, RHODA? - WELL, NOT QUITE.
IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, WE USED TO OPEN THE HYDRAN AND THEN JUS ROLLER SKATE THROUGH.
I LIKE YOUR CHILDHOOD BETTER.
- RHODA, I'M SURE YOUR PARENTS HAVE STORIES ABOUT YOU, TOO.
- OH, SURE THEY DO, BUT NO LIKE YOURS.
MY MOTHER'S BIG STORY IS THE TIME I WET MY PANTS WHEN I PLAYED A SALT SHAKER IN THE SCHOOL PLAY.
[LAUGHTER.]
- OH, RHODA.
YOU'RE MARVELOUS.
- SHE'S VERY FUNNY, JOE.
YOU SHOULD SEE THE KIND OF GIRL HE USUALLY BRINGS AROUND.
- OH, YEAH.
I'M SORRY I MISSED THAT.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, THE FINISHING SCHOOL TYPE.
ALWAYS SO CHIC AND WELL- TAILORED, WHO ARE ALWAYS INTO SOME KIND OF THERAPY.
- PAUL, YOU'VE JUST DESCRIBED ME.
- LISTEN, I THINK YOU SOUNDED GREAT.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO TELL BOTH OF YOU.
I WAS REALLY WORRIED ABOUT THIS MEETING, BUT I AM HAVING THE GREATEST TIME.
- WELL, SO ARE WE.
- OH, GOOD.
- YEAH, I MEAN, THIS IS THE FIRST MEAL I'VE EVER HAD WITH PARENTS WHERE I WASN'T TOLD TO FINISH MY VEGETABLES.
- EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, MR.
GERARD? - OH, JUST GREAT, MAURICE, THANKS.
I STILL SAY YOU SERVE THE BEST SEAFOOD IN TOWN.
- IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE VEGETABLES? - OH, NO, NO, NO.
I'M GONNA FINISH THEM.
[LAUGHTER.]
- OH, RHODA, YOU'RE UNIQUE.
- IS HE THE OWNER? - YES.
WHY? - WOW! I MEAN, THE CLOSEST I EVER CAME TO KNOWING THE OWNER OF A RESTAURANT WAS THIS MANAGER OF A JACK IN THE BOX.
HE KEPT SAYING IF I'D GO TO HIS APARTMENT WITH HIM, HE'D TELL ME WHAT WAS IN THE SECRET SAUCE.
- JACK IN THE BOX.
IS THAT A NEW DISCOTHEQUE? - IS THAT A NEW DISCOTHEQUE? OH, HONEY, YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.
- IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO SEE A COUPLE ENJOY ONE ANOTHER AS MUCH AS YOU TWO DO.
REALLY, MR.
GERARD.
MRS.
GERARD? - OH, MAGINNESS.
- PARDON? - MY NAME IS MAGINNESS, NOT GERARD.
- OH.
BUT I DON'T--WHAT? - PAUL AND I HAVE BEEN DIVORCED FOR 12 YEARS.
- 12 WONDERFUL YEARS.
- WELL, TWO DOWN, TWO TO GO, RIGHT? SOMEHOW, I WISH THE TWO'S WERE REVERSED.
- WHAT ARE YOU SO EDGY ABOUT? - OH, JOE, MY MOTHER.
OY.
YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO SEE A CHARTERED BUS OUT FRON THAT SAID "MORGENSTERN PARTY," DID YOU? - NO, AND THERE WERE NO SEARCHLIGHTS OUT THERE, EITHER.
- LOOK, WHEN YOU MEET MY PARENTS, IF IT SEEMS LIKE THEY DON' GET ALONG AS WELL AS YOURS, IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT DIVORCED.
- HELLO, RHODA.
AND YOU MUST BE JOE.
- IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT.
I NEVER SAW HER BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
[DOOR BUZZER.]
- GOODNESS, IS IT TONIGHT? - YEAH, MA, TONIGHT.
- OH, AND YOU MUST BE JOE.
- HIYA, MRS.
MORGENSTERN.
LISTEN, IF IT'S NOT TONIGHT-- - NO, NO, NO.
COME ON IN, NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE, IF YOU'RE WILLING TO TAKE POTLUCK.
YOU'RE LOOKING VERY WELL TONIGHT, RHODA.
- THANKS, MA.
- YES, LOVELY.
- OH, HONEY.
- OH, POP.
- IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- HOW ARE YA? I WANT YOU TO MEET JOE.
THIS IS MY FATHER.
- HI, MR.
MORGENSTERN.
- PLEASE, NOT MORGENSTERN.
CALL ME MARTIN.
- MARTIN.
- I HOPE YOU'LL FORGIVE THIS DISARRAY.
THE APARTMENT IS SUCH A MESS.
- A MESS.
2 NEWSPAPERS? - I HAD TO GO BUY THOSE TO MAKE THE HOUSE LOOK LIVED IN.
- JOE, MA IS SO NEAT.
WE NEVER HAD A MORNING AND EVENING NEWSPAPER IN THE HOUSE AT THE SAME TIME.
- HA HA HA.
- IT'S AN ATTRACTIVE PLACE YOU HAVE HERE.
- OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT, MA.
WHAT IS IT? - NO, THERE'S NOTHING DIFFERENT, RHODA.
NOTHING.
- YEAH, SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT.
- NO, NOTHING.
NOTHING, RHODA.
NOTHING.
- SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY DIFFERENT, MA.
NOW, I JUST CAN'T-- THE PLASTIC! THE PLASTIC IS OFF THE FURNITURE.
AND IT'S OFF THE LAMPS.
AND IT'S OFF POP.
I THOUGHT IF FELT STRANGE THA THE BACK OF MY THIGHS DIDN' STICK TO THE CUSHION.
- WHAT SHE MEANS IS THA WE HAD TO PUT PLASTIC ON THE FURNITURE WHEN SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS GOT HER HANDS SO DIRTY.
- AND NOW THAT SHE'S A BIG GIRL, WE KEEP I ON FOR SENTIMENTAL REASONS.
- HA HA HA.
YEAH, WE NEVER HAD THA COUCH REUPHOLSTERED.
WE JUST HAD IT VULCANIZED.
- HA HA HA.
- DOESN'T SHE HAVE A LOVELY SENSE OF HUMOR? SHE GETS THAT FROM HER FATHER.
I BET THAT'S ONE OF THE FIRS THINGS THAT ATTRACTED YOU TO HER, RIGHT, JOE? - WELL, THAT AND SOME OTHER THINGS.
- OH, HA HA.
WELL, THE, UH, SOME OTHER THINGS SHE GOT FROM ME.
- SUPPOSE I FIX SOME DRINKS, HUH? - OH, GOOD.
AND I'LL GO AND TRY AND FIND US A FEW THINGS TO NIBBLE ON.
- JOE? WHAT'S IT GONNA BE? - OH, A SCOTCH AND WATER IS FINE WITH ME.
- AND RHODA? YOUR USUAL, THE WEIGHT WATCHER'S COLA? - NAH, POP, LET'S LIVE IT UP TONIGHT.
I'LL HAVE REGULAR COLA.
- REGULAR COLA COMING UP.
- YOU SEE? YOU HAD NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
YOUR MOTHER'S CHARMING, AND SHE'S VERY NATURAL.
- NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T KNOW YET, JOE.
SEE, I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT HER GAME PLAN.
- THERE.
MA, I CAN UNDERSTAND THE DRESS.
I CAN UNDERSTAND THE HORS D'OEUVRES.
BUT WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME TO GET TO THE FLORIST? - IDA, DON' WE HAVE SOME MORE SCOTCH? - OH, I'M SORRY, I THINK WE MUST BE OUT.
BUT SURELY WE HAVE SOMETHING TO DRINK.
OH, AREN'T WE LUCKY? WE HAVE CHAMPAGNE ON ICE.
MARTIN, WILL YOU DO THE HONORS? - THE LAST TIME WE HAD CHAMPAGNE IN THIS HOUSE WAS FOR MY HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION.
- THAT WAS LEFT OVER.
- OH, I SEE.
THEN THA EXPLAINS THE CORSAGE.
- MARTIN, I THINK WE OUGH TO HAVE A LITTLE TOAST.
- WHAT TOAST? THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.
IDA, LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE.
WE DON'T NEED A TOAST.
- MARTIN, THIS IS A SPECIAL OCCASION.
- MA, DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL.
- IT IS A BIG DEAL.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME JOE HAS BEEN HERE, AND I THINK WE OUGHT TO HAVE A VERY SPECIAL TOAST.
- IDA-- - MARTIN.
- ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S TO PERMANENT PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
- OH.
WHAT'S THAT NOISE? - WHAT NOISE? - THAT.
THAT QUIET.
I NEVER HEARD I BEFORE IN THIS HOUSE.
- MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE THE PLASTIC'S NO CRACKLING ANYMORE.
- POP, IT'S NOT JUST THAT.
IT'S MA.
SHE'S NOT TALKING.
SURELY YOU HAVE SOME QUESTIONS? - YOU KNOW ME.
I LIKE TO LISTEN.
- OK, THAT DOES IT.
THAT'S IT.
JOE, THIS WOMAN, SITTING ON THIS COUCH HERE, IS AN IMPOSTER.
SHE'S NOT MY REAL MOTHER.
NOW, MA, ALL I SAID WAS DON'T MAKE A FUSS, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE YOURSELF.
COME ON, I LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE.
I MEAN THE WAY YOU WERE.
SO, THAT'S THE WOMAN I WANT JOE TO MEET, HUH? - OK.
JOE, LET ME ASK YOU.
WHAT WENT WRONG WITH YOUR FIRST MARRIAGE? - WELL, I-- - YOU HAVE A SON DONNIE, RIGHT? DOES HE LIVE WITH YOU OR YOUR EX? - HERE SHE COMES.
- I DON'T KNOW ABOU THE REST OF YOU, BUT I SAY WE TALK ABOU THIS OVER DINNER.
I'M STARVED.
- I'LL VOTE FOR THAT.
- SINCE WHEN DO YOU GET A VOTE? I'LL DECIDE.
- AH, JOE, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE MY MOTHER.
- AND AS HER MOTHER, I SAY IT'S TIME FOR DINNER.
LISTEN, JOE, YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE US, BUT RHODA TOLD ME NOT TO MAKE A FUSS, ALL RIGHT? SO WE'LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH WHAT WE HAVE.
- WOW, WHAT A TABLE.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MIGHT DROP IN.
[DOOR BUZZER.]
- OH.
OH.
HERE THEY ARE! [ALL TALKING AT ONCE.]
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE.]
- NICE TO SEE YOU.
THANKS, POP.
- REALLY.
THANK YOU.
- IT WAS GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- MA, THANKS.
HEY, IT WAS A NICE EVENING.
- GOOD.
- YOU KNOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I DIDN'T MIND WHEN UNCLE JACK SANG "LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU.
" [LAUGHTER.]
- WE ALL HAD A GOOD TIME.
JOE, IT WAS A PLEASURE MEETING YOU.
- THANKS, MARTIN.
AND I WANT YOU BOTH TO KNOW THAT TONIGHT WAS REALLY SPECIAL FOR ME.
I MEAN, YOU BOTH MADE ME FEEL, UH, A PART OF THE FAMILY.
- JOE, LISTEN.
I WANT YOU TO FEEL FREE TO BE A PART OF THE FAMILY ANYTIME.
ANYTIME.
- OK, OK, BREAK IT UP.
I THINK IT'S TIME, JOE.
YES.
GOOD NIGHT, YOU TWO.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
- KIDS, TAKE IT EASY.
- GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD TO SEE YA.
- HE'S A NICE GUY, HUH? - YEAH.
- TELL ME SOMETHING, IDA.
HOW COME YOU DIDN'T ASK IF HE WAS JEWISH? - IF HE WAS JEWISH, I WOULD'VE ASKED.
- DOES, UHDOES THAT UPSET YOU? - YEAH, A LITTLE, BUT I'LL BE ALL RIGHT IN A MINUTE.
[VACUUM WHIRRING.]