Rick and Morty (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

Corrections by XhmikosR This is just sloppy craftsmanship.
Hey, Rick.
Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty.
It's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is.
Uh, sure, buddy.
Yeah.
Sure.
Brilliant.
- Very convincing.
- Convincing? Oh.
Responsive, too.
In real time.
I love it.
Uhh okay.
I'm going to work.
Morty, good morning.
Dad, good morning.
I am going to work.
Goodbye.
- What's with mom? - Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she's acting weird? How sophisticated.
Careful, guys.
You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one.
Okay, you know what, Rick? You're acting weird, too.
Whatever, quote-unquote "Morty.
" All right, well I'll see you after school.
Ow! Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right.
I'm okay.
All right, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is? Morty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm you know, it's uhh at least 40.
Morty, that's exactly correct! Come up here.
Whoo! Way to go, Morty! Everybody, this is the best student.
I want you to be the teacher today.
Teach us, Morty! Interesting.
What do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question.
Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter the fuel for accelerated space travel.
Now, do you know how to make it? Umm Come on, Morty.
Isn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.
I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.
You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend.
Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.
Morty, u-uh, come on.
- There's a family emergency.
- Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F".
- He doesn't care.
- Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a shower with me, Morty.
- What?! - Listen to me, Morty.
Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now.
You got to trust me, Morty.
Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.
Morty, that's not class.
That wasn't your teacher.
This isn't your school.
This entire world is not the world.
We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.
Wait a minute.
W-what are you talking about? It's all fake, Morty all of it.
Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Morty.
I couldn't say so until we got in the shower.
They won't monitor us in here.
Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Morty.
The galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists.
You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity.
Aw, come on, Rick.
If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica.
I can't let you do that, Morty.
Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, sir! They're still naked! Ugh.
Well, check every five quintons and tell me when they're not.
I think we should make Kevin look, sir.
What?! No! Why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.
If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to God, stu Something is drawing a lot of processing power.
Oh, wait.
No wonder.
There's another real human in the simulator.
Okay, Jerry big pitch meeting.
Make-or-break time.
You can do this.
How did this happen?! Where's the abductions department? Hey, man, abductions just follows the acquisition order.
Don't put this on acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so Oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry.
Well, then, problem solved.
Oh, wait no.
There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-law, Jerry Smith.
So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation.
Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later.
Rick Sanchez is the target.
Got to relax.
It's just a pitch.
Got to relax.
This is earth radio.
And now, here's human music.
Hmm.
Human music.
I like it.
Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely.
Look around you, Morty.
Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.
Look that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.
I don't know, Rick.
I mean, I've seen people do that before.
Well, look at that old lady.
She's she's walking a cat on a leash.
Uh, Mrs.
Spencer does that all the time, Rick.
Look, I-I-I don't want to hear about Mrs.
Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there.
What about that, Morty? Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no.
I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Morty.
Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No.
So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty, if you'd been paying attention.
We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.
Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else.
These zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Morty.
They dragged you into this.
- Now they're gonna pay! - What do you What are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Morty.
And we're gonna take them for everything they've got.
National apple farmers of America, welcome to our ad agency.
I'm Jerry Smith.
All right.
I'll just get to the pitch.
Um, simple question, gentlemen, what are apples? Excuse me.
What are apples? Apples are food.
And when do we need food? When we're hungry.
With that, I give you your new slogan! Well, say something! - Do you like it? - Yes.
- You do? - Yes.
So I sold it? I sold the idea? - Yes.
- Oh, my God! Thank you! - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Hey! I just sold my first pitch! Slow down! Lookin' good.
My man! Hello.
Guess who just sold the apples campaign.
Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "got milk?" after all.
- Guess someone was wrong.
- Yes.
Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an east coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife.
- Okay.
- Wait really? - Yes.
- Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good.
- Slow down! - My man! Aw, geez, Rick.
I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, they have a tendency to make me really nervous.
Morty, relax.
It's just a bunch of 1s and 0s out there.
You're gonna be fine.
Just follow my lead.
Yo, deejay, drop that beat.
Uh-oh, Morty.
This crowd looks too small for one of our famous rap concerts.
I don't think we can perform our new song, "the recipe for concentrated dark matter", for a crowd this tiny.
You got that right, Rick.
Now that's more like it! Morty, here we go.
Let me hear everybody say "hey-oh!" Yeah! All the ladies say, "yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down! Yeah, don't move.
Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Morty! Before the system reboots! Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry for apples?! Oh, my God.
That's the best sex I've ever had in my life.
It's it's too good.
I don't deserve this, Beth.
I'm a fraud.
Oh, man, Rick! Where we running to? Out of the simulation, Morty.
Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Morty, we can get to The edge.
Here we go.
Holy crap! Come on, Morty.
Sir, they're over the edge.
Yes, they are.
Just as planned.
Oh, this is going to be such a mind- Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Morty.
That's how we're gonna scam these idiots.
So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick, if you're so much smarter than them? It's an obsession for them at this point.
The zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty.
Every time they do, I'm one step ahead of them.
Aha! Here we go.
Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty.
These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips.
I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.
Look at look at this.
Oops.
I dropped one.
Don't worry about it, Morty.
There's plenty of them, you little goofball.
Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.
Wow.
What do you know? Huh.
That was easy.
Totes malotes, dawg.
Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Morty.
And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry, and the zigerions got nothing of mine.
Mr.
Marklevitz, do you have a minute to talk? Yes.
Look, I'm a fraud.
I mean, let's face it, "hungry for apples" is just a rip-off of "got milk?" It's almost identical.
- Yes.
- Okay.
I deserve that.
Umm I guess I'll just pack up my desk.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "hungry for apples" that's shared by "got milk?".
It's a completely different slogan.
It's different! And I shouldn't be fired.
- I should be promoted! - Yes.
Yeah! Wait.
Really? - Yes.
- Yes! I mean, I'm it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out - of this agency in a long time.
- Yes.
I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, like an appley or something.
Yes.
Is there really an award called the appley for apple-related ad campaigns? Yes.
- Could we nominate me? - Yes.
Holy crap! Get in, Morty.
I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff.
Huh.
I thought I entered the code right.
Wha well, what's this? What could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation Inside a simulation.
You're still on the ship.
Game-day bucket go boom.
Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was- Too loud, Cynthia.
Too loud and too specific.
We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time.
But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you, and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home.
Get them! Run, Morty! Oh, my God! Ow! I got to tell you, this morning, I didn't even know this award existed.
Now I'm holding one.
And um Look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life But the truth is, it's more meaningful than that.
My man! Yes.
Thank you, sir.
I am finally complete! My my my my man! What the hell?! No.
- Jerry?! - Dad! What are you doing here? Why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it.
We don't have time.
- Come on.
- No! Ohhhhh! Aah! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oof! Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers.
Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.
Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, check the engine room.
We just need cesium, plutonic quarks, and bottled water.
It's all here, Rick! Wow, Morty.
Lucky break.
Grab that bucket.
Okay, two parts plutonic quarks, one part cesium.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Morty?! There's no time! Oh, no.
What the- No! Oh, my God, Rick.
How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation Of a simulation Inside another giant simulation! We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter.
But we do now! We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.
You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right.
Okay.
All right, great.
Wonderful.
You win.
Can we go home now? I don't know.
Can you? Ha! Nice.
Okay, okay.
Show this gullible turd to his shuttle.
I'm done with him.
Oh, wait.
Let me get a picture.
Aww.
Look at his face.
He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still.
Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not.
Or are you? Oh, and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps.
That was part of the simulation.
Oh.
Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it.
Move it up, actually, if you can.
Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it.
So what if the most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too.
You should try having a little respect for the dummies of the universe, now that you're one of us.
Maybe you're right, Jerry.
Maybe you're right.
All right, everybody.
Two parts plutonic quarks One part cesium And listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier.
I couldn't ask for a better staff.
I love you guys, and I love all your families.
And the final ingredient Whoa! What the hell?! What happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah.
You can't.
They blew up.
So What do you think? You're fired.
Wha- But this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation.
Well, then, it was a terrible simulation.
Get out.
Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife? Hey, Morty.
What? Hey, little buddy.
How you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick.
What are you doing, man? You're a good kid, Morty.
You're a real little character, Morty.
Oh, boy.
You know, I had a really rocky road today, Morty.
You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, Morty? You're a real true hero out in the field.
You're a real trouper, huh, Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Morty.
Okay, cool.
All right, Rick you little son of a bitch! Are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I'm sorry, Morty.
You're a good you're a good kid, Morty.
Geez! You're a good you're a good kid.
Oh, my God! What the hell? What a life.
Corrections by XhmikosR