Roger And Val Have Just Got In (2010) s01e04 Episode Script
Be Our Guests
Just don't panic.
Coat Aww.
Aww, come on.
- You OK? You OK? - Hiya.
How was he? Come on, let's get your coat off.
- Oh, Val, I'm fine.
- Are you shattered? You must be.
Eh? - Every time I say, "Bye, Dad" - I know, I know No, no.
Every time I say, "Bye, Dad," Mike leaps in with, "We love you, Dad.
" - Mm.
- You know, his eyes crinkle up - and his voice goes all croaky.
- Mm.
Mm.
So this time I said, "Dad.
That was Mike.
"This is me, Roger, I'm saying it for myself.
" And then he leaps in again with, "Keep strong, old man".
- So I still haven't said it.
- Well, you can say it tomorrow.
- Yeah.
If Mike's not there.
- Yeah.
- And, you know all things being well.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, hopefully.
- How was he? The same.
Didn't open his eyes.
- Kept them shut.
- Mm.
Come on, Roger, come and have a sit down.
Because your Dad is No sooner do we think he's going to go, he's back again.
- He's like a death boomerang, Roger.
- Yeah.
- Any news? - Um Well, I was on yard duty today.
Erm, I thought it was going to be bedlam because it was a rainy morning break.
But what I did, Roger, was that I actually planned for it.
So I got my coat and my whistle ready and because I had planned for it, it went OK, because I'd planned for it.
Oh.
- What's this, something for school? - Erm Er, no, actually.
This is something, Roger, that I didn't want to tell you while you were at the hospital, because there was absolutely no point, because I'm on top of the situation - because I've planned for it.
- What? Erm, well, can I can I just finish? I need to tell you that this is not going to affect you in any way at all, so when I tell you what it is, you need to know that.
- OK.
- Right.
So erm - Cathy and Bob - No.
- I cannot deal with them.
- Yeah.
No, no, no.
You don't need to know what for, because it's not going to affect you.
- No it's not, because they're not coming.
- There's absolutely no point telling you, but they are arriving, first thing.
Cup of tea? Cathy is very, very upset about your dad, Roger, very upset.
So I have said - Val, no.
- That they can stay with us here.
- Well, they can't.
- Well, I've said they can.
Well, they can't.
So that's an impasse, then, that we're going to have to resolve.
- Because they can't.
- Well, I have told Cathy they can.
Well, that's completely rubbish.
Where are we going to put them up, exactly? Well, I thought we could put them in the spare room.
- I see.
- Well, I I couldn't help it, Roger.
It was a direct ambush.
I picked up the landline.
We'll have to put number recognition on that phone I thought it was you calling from the hospital, so I picked up.
- I probably wouldn't have done.
- Oh, well I would've thought, "Mm.
Might be Cathy and Bob.
I'll leave it.
" - Yeah, well, I didn't.
- Yeah.
I hope my dad doesn't die while they're en route.
Because if he does, we'll have hit the rollover jackpot.
My dad's died and Cathy and Bob are coming.
They're not bringing the kids.
They haven't mentioned the kids.
Mind you, she never does mention them to me.
- She's very, very upset, Roger.
- Yeah.
It's all about Cathy.
Cathy, Cathy, Cathy.
I note she hasn't thought, "What about Roger? "He's about to lose his dad.
I think I'll hold back, move into a hotel.
" You know, it's been five years since we saw them.
- Is it really that long? - Yeah.
Because it was the four roast beef dinners incident, don't you remember? We should double the fun and go to a restaurant for "Four roast beef dinners, please.
" "Four roast beef dinners, please.
" - Yeah.
- It was unbelievable.
- I thought he asked when I was in the toilet.
- No.
He didn't.
I mean, that's the thing, when it gets to that level I had to say, "Bob, no, that's not right, because Roger and I want the fish and chips.
" And I said to Cathy, "Are you sure you want the roast beef "or would you would like to look at the menu?" Oh, I think Cathy's dinner is very much ordered for her, if you know what I mean.
- At home as well.
- She's my cousin, I don't ask questions.
Mm.
That's odd, isn't it? When he starts calling you "sir" late at night.
"Will you take some wine, sir? Sir, a trip to the pub?" I think that's just a phraseology people use about drink.
I don't think he intends a patriarchal control with that.
Yes, he does, because he purposefully excludes women.
And that's why I say, you may have noticed, very loudly, "Yes, please, Bob, pour me one.
" - Yeah.
Stand corrected.
Yep.
- Yeah.
So, anyway, spare room.
This is getting us nowhere.
S'pose so.
Is there a lot to do? Yes, there's a lot to do, so can you please hurry up? Yeah.
You see, that's the other thing.
Cathy and Bob are currently enjoying a leisurely Friday night doing exactly what they want to do.
All the minuses are on our side.
We clean the house, we cook the food, we spend the dosh.
All they have to do is turn up with a quite small present, let's be honest.
Nowhere near the value of what we'll spend having them.
Nowhere near it, bottle of wine shoved in your hand as they cross the doorstep.
A thank-you note afterwards if you're lucky.
Yeah.
That's right, Val.
Yeah.
"Please prepare us a sumptuous banquet, "and give us lots of free wine to drink, "and after we've finished clean up after us.
- "Thanks a lot.
" - Yeah.
The only thing is they did have us a lot, didn't they, when you had that run of conferences in Stevenage? - We were never away.
- Well yeah, no, five or six times, yeah, but she's my cousin.
Yeah, and after all, that was ten years ago, Roger, and things were a lot cheaper then.
Can you bring some bin-liners up, please, when you come up? - Yeah.
- And a whole kitchen roll? - Right.
- OK.
Roger, Roger, Roger.
Roger.
Can you look at this? Please do not eat this, all right? This is only out ready for tomorrow.
I've made it simple, I've just made a lasagne and he'll just have to eat it.
Don't panic, Bob, there's beef in it.
- Hm.
- Right, I'm off upstairs.
Soon as you can, Roger.
- There's a lot to do.
- Right.
Unbelievable.
Val! Phil came to see me this morning.
Listen to this.
Very sympathetic about Dad, said not to worry if I can't make it in on Monday, he would understand.
- Can you hear me? - No, what? Phil.
He came to see me in the palm house.
"Oh, Roger, glad I caught you.
How's your dad? "Aww, the old boy.
Quite understand if you can't make it in on Monday, "we'll just assume, you know" Three big nods.
- What do you want the bin-liners for? - I'm clearing a shelf for Bob's diabetic stuff.
Anyway, I get back in the staff room at lunch time, there's a buzz, word on the street, "Monday, Monday, Monday.
" Yeah, and what's happening on Monday? The approval of the new working contract.
Oh, yeah.
Get it.
Yeah, I'm there.
He's thinking, "Get Roger Stevenson out of it.
" - Yeah, you read his mind.
- Oh, that is pretty low, the state you're in.
- That is a low blow.
- Yep.
I'm not saying Phil wants to see my father dead at the weekend but I tell you what, Val, if my dad dies at eight o'clock on Monday morning, I'm going to be through those doors at nine o'clock.
Amen.
Roger, there could be no greater tribute to your dad, who was sacked, than to go in and defend those people who are going to be sacked.
Can't wait to see the look on his face.
"Hi Phil, my dad's just died.
Good luck opposing me in this meeting.
" Yeah.
Right, now, the way I'm approaching it now is I'm not thinking, "Ugh, I've got to do the spare room.
" No, I'm thinking instead, "Right, 30 minutes' time the spare room will be nearly done.
" - That's how I'm powering through.
- Right.
Yeah, I'm thinking "Spare bed stripped.
Move to the next challenge.
" Bam-bam-bam.
What do you want me to do? Shall I put the pillowcases on? Yes, you could If you're going to sit there, can you keep your legs in, please? Because I'm in and out of this whole area here.
- Bedside tables.
- Hm.
- Roger.
Roger! - What? - Come on.
- Val, I'm putting pillowcases on, half of which are for a man I dislike.
- Please allow me to sit.
- Well, you can sit.
I can't.
I'm a very, very busy person.
I I don't want a dig, Val, - I'm I'm absolutely shattered.
- Well, I know you are.
You can go and have a sleep, you don't have to help if you don't want.
No, but putting pillowcases on smooth, fat, plump, lovely pillows is hard when you haven't slept, because it's showing me what I haven't got, which is sleep.
- Would you like to go and have a nap? - No.
I'm good, actually.
I don't know.
I I think I'm on a sugar high.
Do you know, I really don't want Bob to smoke in here.
I could put up a No Smoking sign, couldn't I? I mean, it's so impersonal in here.
We could do it like a cheap hotel room for them.
Yeah, we could get one of those picture frames, type out a notice, stick it in it and then hang it on the back of the door.
Sort of, "This is an environmentally friendly house.
"Roger and Val urge you to re-use your towel.
"You are here," big red dot.
"In the event of a fire, your nearest emergency exit "is down the stairs and into the garden.
" That's lovely.
Oh! Ooh! - Who's there? - It's Eleanor.
Oh.
She can't see me.
Oh she's seen me now! She's seen me now! Having visitors! Yes! Visitors! Oh, she can't hear me at all.
Yes! All right! OK! Aww.
No, she still can't hear me.
You know, the wallpaper we had in here was only ever up for a year, and that was 17 years ago.
And I still, every time I come in here, I still see that wallpaper.
Roger, downstairs in the right-hand drawer of the cabinet, I think, is the nutcracker, the wooden nutcracker that Bob and Cathy gave us as a wedding present? - Erm - Well could you go and get it? I'd like to put it here on the windowsill.
Just to say, "I'm still cracking nuts after 19 years.
" Do you know what I'm talking about? If it's the one I'm thinking of, I haven't seen it for years.
Yes.
It is that and it's in the drawer.
Come on.
Have made a mess.
Roger, I don't think we've got the position of this bed right.
The The room just seems to know it's wrong.
I don't know why we put this bed in here at all, Roger.
I suppose you feel you should have a bed, really, in a bedroom, shouldn't you? For people like Cathy and Bob, really.
- Yeah.
Is this it? - Er, yeah.
That's right, yeah.
Put it on the windowsill.
Hang on a minute, Roger.
Where shall we put it? In the middle? - Or - Are you sure you want it in here? I mean, wouldn't it look more believable in the dining room? Well, it's just that they're the first people to stay in here.
I was so pleased when I found that lampshade for the central light.
Not that I ever would have used the central light, I would have used the nightlight.
Mr McGregor with his fork chasing poor Peter Rabbit, all round the walls.
He was an angry man, Mr McGregor.
Very angry.
I like him.
I agree with you, the nutcracker doesn't work.
Doesn't look too bad, in here, Val.
- Yes, it does.
- Yeah, it does.
Made worse by the nutcracker.
It looks terrible.
I What was I thinking? What? Right.
Come on.
Come on.
We can't stop now otherwise we'll never get through it.
How do you feel about starting on the bathroom? - OK.
- Right, you do that, and I'll get a tray from downstairs.
I'm going to put the little kettle on the tray to avoid any early rising.
Erm, and then I think we're done, the bed's done, the room's done, just got to put the towels out Yeah, and then we can go downstairs.
Final frontier.
The legs.
Roger? Yeah What are you doing? Nothing.
The Flash is behind the toilet.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Sainsbury's.
Satchel on the floor.
Sainsbury - Hm - Have you been asleep? Eh? Not at all.
Sleep? No.
God.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, give me a minute.
You have been asleep.
Oh, don't censure me, Val, it wasn't a conscious choice.
Come on.
No, I'm not, I'm glad.
How long were you off for? Felt like ages.
Felt like ages.
- Ohh - Well, it wasn't ages.
I've only been gone a minute.
Two at the most.
Oh, a catnap's an incredible ride.
It's vivid images.
Time's irrelevant.
- Mm.
- Completely overrides the need for drugs.
Do you think this looks like an OK spare room now? Yeah.
Yeah, actually, the tray's really convenient.
It won't cross Cathy and Bob's mind while they're in here, I don't think.
I'm glad you like the tray.
What do you think about the bedside reading? - Yeah, nice touch.
- Mm.
Yeah.
Cos, look.
Look.
I'm walking in now, and Oh, yes.
I can smell that clean bedding.
That bed is clean.
Of that there is no doubt.
Oh! Look at the tray! Lovely little kettle.
Aww! Custard creams.
Surprisingly few.
Yeah.
Interesting choice of books, too, look.
Take your pick from a wide selection.
Oh! The Puffin Book Of Salt Sea Verse.
Yes! And a nutcracker, how thoughtful! Oh, I tell you what, this is a much better escape route than the stairs.
Look, Roger.
Well, if you had to escape in the middle of the night, you could.
You've got everything we need in the event of that emergency.
Yeah.
One of us would have to dash down to the fridge, grab what we could.
Hunk of bread, some cheese.
Stuff it into the rucksack with a bottle of red wine.
Yeah.
And then we could go out the window.
Yeah.
Let me have a look.
That's easy.
Yeah, straight onto the dining room roof and you're free.
Along the side passage and away.
No, no, no.
No, you'd be better to go over Eleanor's garage roof, and then down onto Hipsburn Drive, cos that's a direct route out.
If you go up the side passage, you come back onto our road again, and - No, that doesn't help you at all.
- Yeah.
That's the best way.
Unless you scale the Davidsons' roof.
But then No, you're presenting more problems than you're solving.
- Mm.
- And we haven't any rope.
Yes we have! You cut the sheets up into strips and knot them together, that's your rope.
- Oh, that's brilliant.
- Roger, basic Enid Blyton.
- Know how to get out of a locked room? - No.
Oh, right.
You slide a piece of card under the door exactly where the key is, you waggle the key out with a coat hanger and slide it back again with the key on it.
- No, I'm not convinced by that.
- Oh, well, I am.
I'm less convinced by what she said about invisible ink.
Because for a start, you'd have to have some on you when you were captured.
And then also, the person who gets that letter has to iron it to read it.
That's the same as the locked door thing.
Say it's a thick carpet, for a start.
No, I don't buy it.
Well, I do.
You'd have to be an idiot not to buy that.
I mean, look, Roger.
Rucksacks, cagoules, sleeping bag There's a sleeping bag! Everything you would need is here.
Well, yeah.
But we're starting with a massive advantage in that we're trying to escape from our own home.
Right, I'll show you.
Right.
Put Put that on.
Right.
- Ready? - Hang on.
Yeah.
Go! Come on, Val! Come on! Come on, Val.
We can do it.
Come on.
Go, Val! Go, Val! Go, Val! Val's team! Val's team! Oh, damn it! Damn it.
Come on, Val.
Come on, Val.
Come on, Val.
Come on.
Oh! Damn it.
I think you won that one.
You see, if you wore this, you'd be absolutely fine.
You don't need a tent.
This is a tent.
All my extremities are covered.
I am in fact a tent.
You'd have to go out first because you're more agile than me, and then you'd have to encourage me and maybe sort of just pull me through.
And if I can't make it up onto the garage roof, you'd just have to go ahead without me.
Just brutally, leave me.
Ruthless.
- I wouldn't do that.
- Well, you'd have to.
That's the point.
Because they'd be after us and you wouldn't know where they were.
No.
Who's they, though? Well, in this country, it's Prince Philip who runs it all.
But you wouldn't know that.
- Oh, that's me.
- Oh.
Oh.
- It's Mike.
- Oh, Roger, your dad.
- Hello.
- Tell Mike Mike.
No, it it it's Mike, it's very it's very hard to hear this end and your voice Argh! For God's sake.
Er, Mike, sorry.
Yes, er So Yeah.
Yeah The afternoon.
Y-Yeah.
OK, see you then.
Yeah.
Bye.
- Oh, I thought he'd died.
- Oh, no.
I don't know why I did.
It's Mike, it's his voice.
It's this room.
I-Is he OK? Well, yeah, well, he's alive, yeah.
Yeah.
I feel whacked.
I feel I feel Well, he's not gonna die tonight, is he? No, no.
If If he - Oh, I don't know.
- What? If he'd died tonight, I would have taken the call dressed in a cagoule.
I'm glad I didn't I'm glad he d I'm glad I didn't take the call dressed like this.
I think your Dad would've quite liked that.
Do you? Why am I dressed up in my own spare room? Cos we were going to escape.
From where? From here.
I don't know if this is how you be a person.
Is this what my father has bequeathed? Someone who seriously analyses the plots of Enid Blyton? Well, I think it's quite good sometimes to take your mind off it.
I don't think my mind should be off it.
I think my mind should be on it.
This wallpaper would have moved on from Peter Rabbit.
It should have By now it What would it have been? Dripping, half-naked women on the walls, let's be honest.
That's the advantage of having a teenage son.
Or he might have followed me into botany and covered the walls with plant tables.
He wouldn't have thought much to Phil.
And I wouldn't be sitting here dressed in a cagoule.
He'd be saying, "Oh, Dad, don't be a wanker.
" That's That's what teenagers do.
They stop you from being a wanker by always telling you you are one.
And that's what we haven't got.
I think there's a a big extra dollop of fairness waiting to splash down on us.
So it's a good thing we're dressed for it.
Val, I couldn't hear the call because of the noise every time I moved my arm.
And right now, I just want to get out of this cagoule.
Right.
Well, I'd say we're done up here now.
Yeah, that'll have to do.
We'll straighten up the rest of it t-tomorrow.
We could cancel them.
Call them.
Because you need a lie in.
You should eat something, Roger.
We need to eat some kind of levelling out substance now, just to put us right.
I mean, it's a it's a pity, in a way, that that's there for tomorrow night.
Because that's a straight line leveller right there.
So it's quite tempting to eat that.
In a way.
- How long would it take? - Oh, not long.
Seconds.
Actually, it's ready.
- It's up to you.
- You've been asleep, Roger.
People need a good breakfast.
What do you think? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Actually, it's a shame for Cathy and Bob, because this is one of my best.
Anyway, he ordered my meal, I'll eat his.
I don't feel a bit of guilt about that.
I'll do a big chicken for them and put a couple of baked potatoes in.
I wont do any roast beef though, Roger.
I can't, can I? That would just embarrass Cathy.
Ooh, lovely.
You OK? Can you get a couple of plates? - And if you want black pepper? - Ooh, yes, please.
I'll get the Parmesan.
I'm suddenly starving.
Parmesan would be lovely.
Did you do all this today? This looks fantastic, Val.
- It's fresh.
It's my best effort.
- Mm.
Hope it's OK.
Mm! Mm - Mmm.
- Is it nice? Oh, Val.
It's so gorgeous, I've begun to shovel.
Hm.
Mm.
Val, please don't cry.
Please don't cry.
I thought he'd died.
- Val, please don't cry.
- I'm not crying.
You are crying.
What can I do? Hm? What can I do? Here.
"Hello, it's Mr Lasagne, man, "all the way from Napoli, but the cheese sauce is-a going down-a my face.
"
Coat Aww.
Aww, come on.
- You OK? You OK? - Hiya.
How was he? Come on, let's get your coat off.
- Oh, Val, I'm fine.
- Are you shattered? You must be.
Eh? - Every time I say, "Bye, Dad" - I know, I know No, no.
Every time I say, "Bye, Dad," Mike leaps in with, "We love you, Dad.
" - Mm.
- You know, his eyes crinkle up - and his voice goes all croaky.
- Mm.
Mm.
So this time I said, "Dad.
That was Mike.
"This is me, Roger, I'm saying it for myself.
" And then he leaps in again with, "Keep strong, old man".
- So I still haven't said it.
- Well, you can say it tomorrow.
- Yeah.
If Mike's not there.
- Yeah.
- And, you know all things being well.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, hopefully.
- How was he? The same.
Didn't open his eyes.
- Kept them shut.
- Mm.
Come on, Roger, come and have a sit down.
Because your Dad is No sooner do we think he's going to go, he's back again.
- He's like a death boomerang, Roger.
- Yeah.
- Any news? - Um Well, I was on yard duty today.
Erm, I thought it was going to be bedlam because it was a rainy morning break.
But what I did, Roger, was that I actually planned for it.
So I got my coat and my whistle ready and because I had planned for it, it went OK, because I'd planned for it.
Oh.
- What's this, something for school? - Erm Er, no, actually.
This is something, Roger, that I didn't want to tell you while you were at the hospital, because there was absolutely no point, because I'm on top of the situation - because I've planned for it.
- What? Erm, well, can I can I just finish? I need to tell you that this is not going to affect you in any way at all, so when I tell you what it is, you need to know that.
- OK.
- Right.
So erm - Cathy and Bob - No.
- I cannot deal with them.
- Yeah.
No, no, no.
You don't need to know what for, because it's not going to affect you.
- No it's not, because they're not coming.
- There's absolutely no point telling you, but they are arriving, first thing.
Cup of tea? Cathy is very, very upset about your dad, Roger, very upset.
So I have said - Val, no.
- That they can stay with us here.
- Well, they can't.
- Well, I've said they can.
Well, they can't.
So that's an impasse, then, that we're going to have to resolve.
- Because they can't.
- Well, I have told Cathy they can.
Well, that's completely rubbish.
Where are we going to put them up, exactly? Well, I thought we could put them in the spare room.
- I see.
- Well, I I couldn't help it, Roger.
It was a direct ambush.
I picked up the landline.
We'll have to put number recognition on that phone I thought it was you calling from the hospital, so I picked up.
- I probably wouldn't have done.
- Oh, well I would've thought, "Mm.
Might be Cathy and Bob.
I'll leave it.
" - Yeah, well, I didn't.
- Yeah.
I hope my dad doesn't die while they're en route.
Because if he does, we'll have hit the rollover jackpot.
My dad's died and Cathy and Bob are coming.
They're not bringing the kids.
They haven't mentioned the kids.
Mind you, she never does mention them to me.
- She's very, very upset, Roger.
- Yeah.
It's all about Cathy.
Cathy, Cathy, Cathy.
I note she hasn't thought, "What about Roger? "He's about to lose his dad.
I think I'll hold back, move into a hotel.
" You know, it's been five years since we saw them.
- Is it really that long? - Yeah.
Because it was the four roast beef dinners incident, don't you remember? We should double the fun and go to a restaurant for "Four roast beef dinners, please.
" "Four roast beef dinners, please.
" - Yeah.
- It was unbelievable.
- I thought he asked when I was in the toilet.
- No.
He didn't.
I mean, that's the thing, when it gets to that level I had to say, "Bob, no, that's not right, because Roger and I want the fish and chips.
" And I said to Cathy, "Are you sure you want the roast beef "or would you would like to look at the menu?" Oh, I think Cathy's dinner is very much ordered for her, if you know what I mean.
- At home as well.
- She's my cousin, I don't ask questions.
Mm.
That's odd, isn't it? When he starts calling you "sir" late at night.
"Will you take some wine, sir? Sir, a trip to the pub?" I think that's just a phraseology people use about drink.
I don't think he intends a patriarchal control with that.
Yes, he does, because he purposefully excludes women.
And that's why I say, you may have noticed, very loudly, "Yes, please, Bob, pour me one.
" - Yeah.
Stand corrected.
Yep.
- Yeah.
So, anyway, spare room.
This is getting us nowhere.
S'pose so.
Is there a lot to do? Yes, there's a lot to do, so can you please hurry up? Yeah.
You see, that's the other thing.
Cathy and Bob are currently enjoying a leisurely Friday night doing exactly what they want to do.
All the minuses are on our side.
We clean the house, we cook the food, we spend the dosh.
All they have to do is turn up with a quite small present, let's be honest.
Nowhere near the value of what we'll spend having them.
Nowhere near it, bottle of wine shoved in your hand as they cross the doorstep.
A thank-you note afterwards if you're lucky.
Yeah.
That's right, Val.
Yeah.
"Please prepare us a sumptuous banquet, "and give us lots of free wine to drink, "and after we've finished clean up after us.
- "Thanks a lot.
" - Yeah.
The only thing is they did have us a lot, didn't they, when you had that run of conferences in Stevenage? - We were never away.
- Well yeah, no, five or six times, yeah, but she's my cousin.
Yeah, and after all, that was ten years ago, Roger, and things were a lot cheaper then.
Can you bring some bin-liners up, please, when you come up? - Yeah.
- And a whole kitchen roll? - Right.
- OK.
Roger, Roger, Roger.
Roger.
Can you look at this? Please do not eat this, all right? This is only out ready for tomorrow.
I've made it simple, I've just made a lasagne and he'll just have to eat it.
Don't panic, Bob, there's beef in it.
- Hm.
- Right, I'm off upstairs.
Soon as you can, Roger.
- There's a lot to do.
- Right.
Unbelievable.
Val! Phil came to see me this morning.
Listen to this.
Very sympathetic about Dad, said not to worry if I can't make it in on Monday, he would understand.
- Can you hear me? - No, what? Phil.
He came to see me in the palm house.
"Oh, Roger, glad I caught you.
How's your dad? "Aww, the old boy.
Quite understand if you can't make it in on Monday, "we'll just assume, you know" Three big nods.
- What do you want the bin-liners for? - I'm clearing a shelf for Bob's diabetic stuff.
Anyway, I get back in the staff room at lunch time, there's a buzz, word on the street, "Monday, Monday, Monday.
" Yeah, and what's happening on Monday? The approval of the new working contract.
Oh, yeah.
Get it.
Yeah, I'm there.
He's thinking, "Get Roger Stevenson out of it.
" - Yeah, you read his mind.
- Oh, that is pretty low, the state you're in.
- That is a low blow.
- Yep.
I'm not saying Phil wants to see my father dead at the weekend but I tell you what, Val, if my dad dies at eight o'clock on Monday morning, I'm going to be through those doors at nine o'clock.
Amen.
Roger, there could be no greater tribute to your dad, who was sacked, than to go in and defend those people who are going to be sacked.
Can't wait to see the look on his face.
"Hi Phil, my dad's just died.
Good luck opposing me in this meeting.
" Yeah.
Right, now, the way I'm approaching it now is I'm not thinking, "Ugh, I've got to do the spare room.
" No, I'm thinking instead, "Right, 30 minutes' time the spare room will be nearly done.
" - That's how I'm powering through.
- Right.
Yeah, I'm thinking "Spare bed stripped.
Move to the next challenge.
" Bam-bam-bam.
What do you want me to do? Shall I put the pillowcases on? Yes, you could If you're going to sit there, can you keep your legs in, please? Because I'm in and out of this whole area here.
- Bedside tables.
- Hm.
- Roger.
Roger! - What? - Come on.
- Val, I'm putting pillowcases on, half of which are for a man I dislike.
- Please allow me to sit.
- Well, you can sit.
I can't.
I'm a very, very busy person.
I I don't want a dig, Val, - I'm I'm absolutely shattered.
- Well, I know you are.
You can go and have a sleep, you don't have to help if you don't want.
No, but putting pillowcases on smooth, fat, plump, lovely pillows is hard when you haven't slept, because it's showing me what I haven't got, which is sleep.
- Would you like to go and have a nap? - No.
I'm good, actually.
I don't know.
I I think I'm on a sugar high.
Do you know, I really don't want Bob to smoke in here.
I could put up a No Smoking sign, couldn't I? I mean, it's so impersonal in here.
We could do it like a cheap hotel room for them.
Yeah, we could get one of those picture frames, type out a notice, stick it in it and then hang it on the back of the door.
Sort of, "This is an environmentally friendly house.
"Roger and Val urge you to re-use your towel.
"You are here," big red dot.
"In the event of a fire, your nearest emergency exit "is down the stairs and into the garden.
" That's lovely.
Oh! Ooh! - Who's there? - It's Eleanor.
Oh.
She can't see me.
Oh she's seen me now! She's seen me now! Having visitors! Yes! Visitors! Oh, she can't hear me at all.
Yes! All right! OK! Aww.
No, she still can't hear me.
You know, the wallpaper we had in here was only ever up for a year, and that was 17 years ago.
And I still, every time I come in here, I still see that wallpaper.
Roger, downstairs in the right-hand drawer of the cabinet, I think, is the nutcracker, the wooden nutcracker that Bob and Cathy gave us as a wedding present? - Erm - Well could you go and get it? I'd like to put it here on the windowsill.
Just to say, "I'm still cracking nuts after 19 years.
" Do you know what I'm talking about? If it's the one I'm thinking of, I haven't seen it for years.
Yes.
It is that and it's in the drawer.
Come on.
Have made a mess.
Roger, I don't think we've got the position of this bed right.
The The room just seems to know it's wrong.
I don't know why we put this bed in here at all, Roger.
I suppose you feel you should have a bed, really, in a bedroom, shouldn't you? For people like Cathy and Bob, really.
- Yeah.
Is this it? - Er, yeah.
That's right, yeah.
Put it on the windowsill.
Hang on a minute, Roger.
Where shall we put it? In the middle? - Or - Are you sure you want it in here? I mean, wouldn't it look more believable in the dining room? Well, it's just that they're the first people to stay in here.
I was so pleased when I found that lampshade for the central light.
Not that I ever would have used the central light, I would have used the nightlight.
Mr McGregor with his fork chasing poor Peter Rabbit, all round the walls.
He was an angry man, Mr McGregor.
Very angry.
I like him.
I agree with you, the nutcracker doesn't work.
Doesn't look too bad, in here, Val.
- Yes, it does.
- Yeah, it does.
Made worse by the nutcracker.
It looks terrible.
I What was I thinking? What? Right.
Come on.
Come on.
We can't stop now otherwise we'll never get through it.
How do you feel about starting on the bathroom? - OK.
- Right, you do that, and I'll get a tray from downstairs.
I'm going to put the little kettle on the tray to avoid any early rising.
Erm, and then I think we're done, the bed's done, the room's done, just got to put the towels out Yeah, and then we can go downstairs.
Final frontier.
The legs.
Roger? Yeah What are you doing? Nothing.
The Flash is behind the toilet.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Sainsbury's.
Satchel on the floor.
Sainsbury - Hm - Have you been asleep? Eh? Not at all.
Sleep? No.
God.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, give me a minute.
You have been asleep.
Oh, don't censure me, Val, it wasn't a conscious choice.
Come on.
No, I'm not, I'm glad.
How long were you off for? Felt like ages.
Felt like ages.
- Ohh - Well, it wasn't ages.
I've only been gone a minute.
Two at the most.
Oh, a catnap's an incredible ride.
It's vivid images.
Time's irrelevant.
- Mm.
- Completely overrides the need for drugs.
Do you think this looks like an OK spare room now? Yeah.
Yeah, actually, the tray's really convenient.
It won't cross Cathy and Bob's mind while they're in here, I don't think.
I'm glad you like the tray.
What do you think about the bedside reading? - Yeah, nice touch.
- Mm.
Yeah.
Cos, look.
Look.
I'm walking in now, and Oh, yes.
I can smell that clean bedding.
That bed is clean.
Of that there is no doubt.
Oh! Look at the tray! Lovely little kettle.
Aww! Custard creams.
Surprisingly few.
Yeah.
Interesting choice of books, too, look.
Take your pick from a wide selection.
Oh! The Puffin Book Of Salt Sea Verse.
Yes! And a nutcracker, how thoughtful! Oh, I tell you what, this is a much better escape route than the stairs.
Look, Roger.
Well, if you had to escape in the middle of the night, you could.
You've got everything we need in the event of that emergency.
Yeah.
One of us would have to dash down to the fridge, grab what we could.
Hunk of bread, some cheese.
Stuff it into the rucksack with a bottle of red wine.
Yeah.
And then we could go out the window.
Yeah.
Let me have a look.
That's easy.
Yeah, straight onto the dining room roof and you're free.
Along the side passage and away.
No, no, no.
No, you'd be better to go over Eleanor's garage roof, and then down onto Hipsburn Drive, cos that's a direct route out.
If you go up the side passage, you come back onto our road again, and - No, that doesn't help you at all.
- Yeah.
That's the best way.
Unless you scale the Davidsons' roof.
But then No, you're presenting more problems than you're solving.
- Mm.
- And we haven't any rope.
Yes we have! You cut the sheets up into strips and knot them together, that's your rope.
- Oh, that's brilliant.
- Roger, basic Enid Blyton.
- Know how to get out of a locked room? - No.
Oh, right.
You slide a piece of card under the door exactly where the key is, you waggle the key out with a coat hanger and slide it back again with the key on it.
- No, I'm not convinced by that.
- Oh, well, I am.
I'm less convinced by what she said about invisible ink.
Because for a start, you'd have to have some on you when you were captured.
And then also, the person who gets that letter has to iron it to read it.
That's the same as the locked door thing.
Say it's a thick carpet, for a start.
No, I don't buy it.
Well, I do.
You'd have to be an idiot not to buy that.
I mean, look, Roger.
Rucksacks, cagoules, sleeping bag There's a sleeping bag! Everything you would need is here.
Well, yeah.
But we're starting with a massive advantage in that we're trying to escape from our own home.
Right, I'll show you.
Right.
Put Put that on.
Right.
- Ready? - Hang on.
Yeah.
Go! Come on, Val! Come on! Come on, Val.
We can do it.
Come on.
Go, Val! Go, Val! Go, Val! Val's team! Val's team! Oh, damn it! Damn it.
Come on, Val.
Come on, Val.
Come on, Val.
Come on.
Oh! Damn it.
I think you won that one.
You see, if you wore this, you'd be absolutely fine.
You don't need a tent.
This is a tent.
All my extremities are covered.
I am in fact a tent.
You'd have to go out first because you're more agile than me, and then you'd have to encourage me and maybe sort of just pull me through.
And if I can't make it up onto the garage roof, you'd just have to go ahead without me.
Just brutally, leave me.
Ruthless.
- I wouldn't do that.
- Well, you'd have to.
That's the point.
Because they'd be after us and you wouldn't know where they were.
No.
Who's they, though? Well, in this country, it's Prince Philip who runs it all.
But you wouldn't know that.
- Oh, that's me.
- Oh.
Oh.
- It's Mike.
- Oh, Roger, your dad.
- Hello.
- Tell Mike Mike.
No, it it it's Mike, it's very it's very hard to hear this end and your voice Argh! For God's sake.
Er, Mike, sorry.
Yes, er So Yeah.
Yeah The afternoon.
Y-Yeah.
OK, see you then.
Yeah.
Bye.
- Oh, I thought he'd died.
- Oh, no.
I don't know why I did.
It's Mike, it's his voice.
It's this room.
I-Is he OK? Well, yeah, well, he's alive, yeah.
Yeah.
I feel whacked.
I feel I feel Well, he's not gonna die tonight, is he? No, no.
If If he - Oh, I don't know.
- What? If he'd died tonight, I would have taken the call dressed in a cagoule.
I'm glad I didn't I'm glad he d I'm glad I didn't take the call dressed like this.
I think your Dad would've quite liked that.
Do you? Why am I dressed up in my own spare room? Cos we were going to escape.
From where? From here.
I don't know if this is how you be a person.
Is this what my father has bequeathed? Someone who seriously analyses the plots of Enid Blyton? Well, I think it's quite good sometimes to take your mind off it.
I don't think my mind should be off it.
I think my mind should be on it.
This wallpaper would have moved on from Peter Rabbit.
It should have By now it What would it have been? Dripping, half-naked women on the walls, let's be honest.
That's the advantage of having a teenage son.
Or he might have followed me into botany and covered the walls with plant tables.
He wouldn't have thought much to Phil.
And I wouldn't be sitting here dressed in a cagoule.
He'd be saying, "Oh, Dad, don't be a wanker.
" That's That's what teenagers do.
They stop you from being a wanker by always telling you you are one.
And that's what we haven't got.
I think there's a a big extra dollop of fairness waiting to splash down on us.
So it's a good thing we're dressed for it.
Val, I couldn't hear the call because of the noise every time I moved my arm.
And right now, I just want to get out of this cagoule.
Right.
Well, I'd say we're done up here now.
Yeah, that'll have to do.
We'll straighten up the rest of it t-tomorrow.
We could cancel them.
Call them.
Because you need a lie in.
You should eat something, Roger.
We need to eat some kind of levelling out substance now, just to put us right.
I mean, it's a it's a pity, in a way, that that's there for tomorrow night.
Because that's a straight line leveller right there.
So it's quite tempting to eat that.
In a way.
- How long would it take? - Oh, not long.
Seconds.
Actually, it's ready.
- It's up to you.
- You've been asleep, Roger.
People need a good breakfast.
What do you think? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Actually, it's a shame for Cathy and Bob, because this is one of my best.
Anyway, he ordered my meal, I'll eat his.
I don't feel a bit of guilt about that.
I'll do a big chicken for them and put a couple of baked potatoes in.
I wont do any roast beef though, Roger.
I can't, can I? That would just embarrass Cathy.
Ooh, lovely.
You OK? Can you get a couple of plates? - And if you want black pepper? - Ooh, yes, please.
I'll get the Parmesan.
I'm suddenly starving.
Parmesan would be lovely.
Did you do all this today? This looks fantastic, Val.
- It's fresh.
It's my best effort.
- Mm.
Hope it's OK.
Mm! Mm - Mmm.
- Is it nice? Oh, Val.
It's so gorgeous, I've begun to shovel.
Hm.
Mm.
Val, please don't cry.
Please don't cry.
I thought he'd died.
- Val, please don't cry.
- I'm not crying.
You are crying.
What can I do? Hm? What can I do? Here.
"Hello, it's Mr Lasagne, man, "all the way from Napoli, but the cheese sauce is-a going down-a my face.
"