Roommates s01e04 Episode Script

Hope, open the door.
I have to pee.
Almost done! Mrs.
Fabricant.
It's Mark from across the hall.
Remember? My Roommate James pulled you out of the snowdrift.
As payback for that, I was wondering if maybe I could use your bathroom.
Is she still in there? And now you're second in line.
I need to use it really bad.
I'm selling my place in line for $200.
I was wondering if you had a restroom I could use.
Restroom for customers only.
I buy things here all the time.
What did you buy? Gum, soda.
You buy big ticket item, we talk.
Almost done.
VO: ¤Aka¤, Do_Ob, pluch, -Ori- So, James, this is my old Roommate Thom.
It's great to finally meet you, Thom.
Likewise.
All right, so I'll grab a few beers, and, Thom, don't let him get any embarrassing stories out of you.
My lips are sealed.
Okay, get this.
Freshman year, Mark paid $300 to sit in the front row of a Ricky Martin concert.
And Mark had long feathered hair, right? So Ricky thought he was a girl, and he called him up on stage to dance "Livin' La Vida Loca" with him.
What? Mark, tell me how is it Living La Vida Loca? Have you seen our new UPS guy? He is so fine.
I know.
I'm thinking of sending myself a package, so I can watch him pick it up and drop it off.
I'd like to order the "daddy-daughter hug.
" - Daddy.
- Princess.
Mr.
Daniels.
Katie, are you working at the coffee shop too? Well, I wish.
A coffee shop Lots of perks.
What are you doing in town? I have a long layover.
I came by to see my baby on her job.
When I paid for four years of Princeton, I thought you had grand plans.
Notgrandeplans.
It's only temporary.
And hope's doing really great here.
They really look up to her.
She's basically the boss.
Toilet's clogged again, Princess.
Time to wave that magic wand.
I see.
Daddy, you can hang out at our place until I get off of work.
Really? You trust me alone in your apartment? There are no booze or nudie magazines laying around? - Of course not.
- That's too bad.
Kidding, I'm kidding.
Bye, Katie.
See you in a bit, sweetie.
Man, your dad is really on you about this job stuff? He's on this whole trip about me being successful.
I mean, he's forgetting I could marry rich.
I missed it.
I always forget to take my phone off vibrate.
"Vibrate"? - Oh my god.
- What? I left Mr.
Happy on my bed.
Mr.
Happy? You know.
Oh my god, your dad! One time in college, Mark got drunk and slow danced with a man named Shirley.
Now you're just making stuff up.
Am I? My dad is on his way up to the apartment, and I left something on my bed that I need you to remove.
What is it? It's personal.
Like a personal pan pizza? It's a Well It rhymes with schmibrator.
"Schmibrator"? What ever could that be? Fly-brator? You know what it is.
Just hide it! Okay, tell Hope I said, "you go, girl.
" Look at it.
It reminds me of my two favorite things Women and light sabers.
It's weird Hope uses that thing and yet she's still grouchy.
Her dad's here.
Quick, hide it.
You must be Mr.
Daniels.
I'm Mark, Hope's roommate.
Nice to meet you.
Calm down.
I'll put my stuff in Hope's room.
No, no, there's plenty of time for that.
Don't be rude.
I'm James, the polite roommate.
Please, sir, right this way.
Thank you.
What are you doing? Come back here! Robber! - Mr.
Daniels, what's going on? - A burglar in my daughter's room! He went out the window.
He was waving some sort of purple club.
I told you to just go in there and take it off the bed.
- How hard is that? - I'm sorry I couldn't satisfy you.
Apparently, no man can.
Now my dad thinks there was a burglar.
- Where is the schmibrator? - Schm-I don't know.
You know I think the world of you, and I would never ever judge you.
Of course.
Hope, your life is a joke.
No, it's not.
You got fired from your tv job, you work at a coffee shop, and you just had a robbery.
I'm cutting you off.
- Mr.
Daniels, please don't do that.
- Hope loves shopping.
I won't be able to afford to live in New York.
Now you're getting it.
Move back home.
Go to law school.
What's keeping you in this place? Give me one good reason why I let you stay here.
Name one thing.
There's a lot.
Like what? - Love.
- That's it.
Love.
You have a boyfriend? And I'm in a very serious relationship with a handsome winner.
That's right.
I guess we'll have to get to know each other a little better.
It's not me.
It's Mark.
We wanted to surprise you! Schmile, honey.
You're in love with this guy? I mean, James here seems more your type.
Love is crazy.
It's crazy.
- What do you do for a living? - I'm an actor.
Are you a good actor? We'll find out soon, won't we? - He's very successful, dad.
- Really? What would I have seen you in? Mainly commercials.
I like commercials.
Which one? He did that one.
Remember? For the Foot spray? He was a singing bottle of spray.
Sing that song, mark.
Sing it! Itchy feet, if you've got itchy feet, spray me on, so you can't feel the heat You don't have itchy feet spray me on.
That's the worst commercial I've ever heard.
Let's celebrate this happy occasion with some wine.
We'll celebrate our Whole big relationship.
After that, we'll all go out to dinner.
I'll go change.
"Itchy feet, feel the heat"? Stupid-ass song.
I can't lie for you.
Please, go along with this to get my dad off my back.
It's already snowballing.
I'm a singing bottle of foot spray.
It's embarrassing.
Do it for me.
- Thanks, Mark.
- Thanks.
It will be a challenge acting like I'm in love with Hope.
Like you could ever get me.
While you're in here, do you need to use the sink? I just wanted to say thank you so much for going along with this.
- Is that you're wearing for dinner? - Why? Nothing.
It's fine.
It's just ugly.
What do you mean ugly? I wear it all the time.
And it's ugly all the time.
I never said anything before - because you weren't my boyfriend.
- Pretend boyfriend.
Then pretend you have some taste, and pick out another shirt.
I think I have a new good-luck charm.
That's three in a row.
I'm up to $200.
What is your good-luck charm? I can't really show it to you.
It's kind a personal and I'm a gentleman.
My life is boring.
I sit here all day eating jerky.
Show it! But you have to promise not to tell anyone.
We sell those in the back.
Big mark up.
Tell pa how you two lovebirds met.
I'm dying to know how she ended up with a guy like you.
Hope pursued me pretty aggressively.
She would not give up.
Once she saw me, she just wouldn't stop.
Call the police.
I have a stalker.
We always taught her to be persistent.
Mark thought she was crazy at first.
But you know what they say the crazy ones are always wild in bed.
Not Hope though.
We share a wall.
I never hear anything.
I'm like, "jeez, mark, make a move already.
" Honey, look.
The asian shrimp in peanut sauce looks great.
You do realize that Hope is allergic to both shrimp and peanuts.
Of course I knew that.
It's just a little joke.
I like to taunt her about her allergies.
Isn't that right, hopey-whopey? It is.
It's the thing we do.
You joke about killing her? That's the thing you do? Your throat will close and you'll die.
Get it? Stop it.
You're killing us like you wanna kill Hope.
You're not like any couple I've ever met.
There's something you should know, Mr.
Daniels.
Mark and Hope are pretending.
They are pretending to be on their best behavior.
They're very physical.
Normally, Mark is licking her face like it's covered in gravy.
Thank you for not doing that in front of me.
Sorry, sir.
She's irresistible.
Come here, my little gravy boat.
Young love.
It has me vibrating with excitement.
It was good seeing you again.
Let's go.
We don't want you missing your flight.
It's a shame you have to rush off.
I wish you could stay longer, sir.
You know what? I don't see why I can't.
- Can't what? - Stay longer.
Stay longer? But you're ready to go.
I think I'll stay and get to know Mark a little better.
But doesn't mom want you home? Sweetie, we've been married for 30 years.
She does not.
Really? Okay.
You can take my room.
And out of respect I will sleep on the couch.
You'll sleep with Hope like you always do, as much as the thought sickens me.
Dad, that's okay.
Mark sleeps on the couch all the time, - like when we fight.
- We're probably gonna fight tonight, so I'm headed there anyway.
I live here.
I can almost guarantee it.
It's okay.
You're sleeping with Hope.
Good night.
You two sleeping together? Won't your schmibrator get jealous? "I wish you could stay longer, sir.
" I think you'd be happy to have such a polite fake boyfriend.
- What are you doing? - I'm going to sleep.
What if my dad comes in? If he sees you, - the whole thing's blown.
- Fine.
- Now what are you doing? - I don't know.
Why don't you just tell me? You're getting into bed wearing clothes.
I thought that was best, since we're not actually a couple.
If my dad comes in, it has to look real.
What do you normally sleep in? The nude.
That's a little too real.
What is that? Deep breathing.
It relaxes me, so I can go to sleep.
- It's annoying.
- Do it with me.
- Stop it.
- Fine.
I have to do something to help myself relax.
Certainly you can relate to that.
Get on the floor.
Do it.
You are the most controlling person I've ever met.
- You're not allowed to say that.
- Sure, you're only lying to your dad.
You want people to see you exactly the right way all the time.
But you know what? It's okay for people to see the flaws.
It's okay to do something not by the book, - something a little spontaneous.
- I'm spontaneous.
Please! Name one time you were the least bit spontaneous.
I Well, there was the time I The pizza guy brought the wrong pizza and I ate it anyway.
Look out, world.
No telling what crazy Hope will do.
I do wild things all the time.
- You don't.
I don't believe you.
- Do too! I'll prove it.
How? Mark's right.
I'm a total control freak.
- What? - It's true.
We were kissing in my room, and it all made sense.
I've been afraid to let go my whole life.
- You were kissing Mark? - But that's not the point.
- The point is - It's part of the point.
- What happened? - Nothing.
I was proving to him he was wrong about me, and I got carried away.
Is he a good kisser? Surprisingly, very good.
He's minty.
It was amazing.
Kissing Mark? Flying without a net.
I'm gonna start changing things right now.
Daddy, wake up! What is it, princess? Is the guy with the purple club back? I have to tell you the truth.
Mark's not really my boyfriend.
I'm not in love at all.
- What? - I made the whole thing up so you wouldn't make me move back home.
Thank God.
He's kind of a horse's ass.
I'm in the room.
I assume you're going to listen to me for once and move back? I learned something tonight.
The reason I've been lying is that everything feels so out of control.
But by me lying to you about Mark, I realized I need to go without a net.
I'm staying, Dad, and I'm giving you back my credit cards.
I need to do this on my own.
I mean, I can't force you to come home.
I'll buy you a pony.
Thanks, but no.
There we go.
All done.
You okay? I mean, the room is spinning, but yes.
Good night.
You know what? I'm not gonna take your cards.
Thank God.
I believe in you, honey.
So get out there and kick butt.
- I will.
- Good night.
- Night, Daddy.
- Night, Mr.
Daniels.
Thank you again for allowing Hope to keep shopping.
So, hot lips I hear you're quite the kisser.
I come from a long line of great kissers.
A good kisser.
That's me.
Any time you wanna practice Making out with Hope to get to Katie? Not sure I understand it, but I like it.
Hope's device is my new good luck charm.
Really? What do you mean?